Managing Conflict Leading Beyond the Obstacle. Reaching The Opportunity

October 12, 2012

Presented By Kamilah Collins

TOPICS•Communication: My Message / My Intent

•Where Things Fall Apart: Understanding Them

•Hidden Feelings

•Wrong Turn: The Escalation Point

•Emotional Intelligence

•Ladder of Inference

•Let’s Try Again

•Solutions

•Opportunity to Develop

•Addressing Conflict

•Taking the Tools & Resolving the Problem

Communication: My Message, My Intentions

What I Say

What I Think (My Facts)

What I Want you to Hear

How I Feel (About You/ This

situation/Something Totally Unrelated)

Understanding The Other Person

What was Said

What I Thought

What I Heard

Planning My Response

How I Felt

Hidden Feelings• Unexpressed Feelings Leak into Conversations– Make it hard to listen – Make it difficult to Convey your actual thoughts

• We Translate Our Feelings– Judgments “ If you were a good ___ u would…”– Attributions “Why were you trying to hurt me…”– Characterizations “ You’re so inconsiderate.”– Problem-Solving “The answer is for you to do __ …”

Wrong Turn: The Point of Escalation

• Your response matters! – Analysis Paralysis vs.. Bubble Gum Dispenser

• Don’t make assumptions about silence.• Questioning is okay. Please be Socially Aware!• Leaders aren’t afraid to embrace differences in

others. The challenge is understanding how those difference impact communication & team dynamics.

Emotional Intelligence

Self Awareness Self Management

Social Awareness

Relationship Management

What Contributed to the Conflict?

• What and How did I contribute to this issue?(mood that day, other events, attention on other things,

priorities…)

• What did they contribute? (Emotional State, Tone, Nonverbal, Past Interactions, Poor

Word Choice)

• Contribution of Others Elements(People, Circumstances, Timing, Place)

Let’s Try this Again

Facts

•What Has Occurred

•What Action Do You Want

Thoughts

•What information does the other person have?

•Are you sharing the information that brought you to your conclusion?

Select Communicati

on

•Repeat What You Heard

•Say What You Mean

•Allow the Other Person to Repeat Their Understanding

Solutions you can use.

5 Tips for Giving Feedback1. Be specific. Give examples.2. Be as specific with positive feedback as you are

w/ negative. Remember 2:1 ratio3. Be clear about consequences & expectations.

(Suggestion vs.. Instruction)4. Be clear about what is and is not negotiable.5. You don’t have to persuade, just be clear. They

can disagree.

Solutions you can use.

5 Tips for Receiving Feedback1. Listen. Don’t assume you know what they’re going to

say.2. Know that you are competent but have room for

improvement.3. Be engaged in the conversation. Inquire when open

questions are presented.4. Be willing to learn something, you already know

you’re not perfect.5. Do NOT assume malicious intent.

Opportunity To Develop

Building Relationships & Respect

Boosting Morale

Being seen as a Leader

Tailoring Your Message

Making Authentic Connections

Practicing Your Leadership Skills

Supporting a Strong Team

Addressing Conflict

• Define the concern that can be resolved.• Acknowledge Contributing Factors (feelings,

experience, intent, need to find fault, )• Stick to the Facts• Be culpable… Own your contribution.• Be flexible with your intended outcome.

Now Give It a Try

• Ask the person to get together outside of the routine environment.

• Something brief but casual (15-30mins)• Have a non-YP discussion

– Ask if they’ve done anything fun recently– Any recent successes, accomplishments, good news– Genuinely find something of interest and listen to them for at least

five minutes– Repeat back something you found interesting, provide a

compliment, note something that impressed you• This may open an opportunity to develop a better

relationship. If it doesn’t at least you made the effort.

Take What You’ve Learned. Go Lead.

My name is Kamilah Collins

NULYP Communications Chair

Tweet @NULYP #WeDevelopMe

Owner & Lead Consultant

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