Letting God Lead

By Amanda Brown

“Letting God Lead”

It is said all marriages have that year or two where you feel like

you have hit rock bottom. It happens to even the best of

Christians. A strong marriage is not an easy accomplishment and

I would soon learn why my mother-in-law always said put God

first in your marriage and everything else would follow.

In February 2007 our marriage was coming off that rough patch

when we decided it was time to start planning and trying for our

second child. Our oldest and only son, would be 2 in April and

that sounded like a good age difference to me. I mean doesn’t

everyone think pregnancy and family will just unfold like a book

and you can just plan and expect for it to happen according to

your desires? After the first year of trying I was frustrated but

just thought maybe we are trying too hard. Many people often

say if you stop trying it will happen. As we would realize over

the following months and years, that statement is far from the

truth.

The third year in to trying with no success I decided maybe it was

time for me to talk to my OBGYN about our issue. I told her

about a doctor in Louisville, Kentucky who I had heard about

from some of my friends. She gave me a referral and

appointments were made for us to have our consultation. I

begged God to please just let this work. I promised him I would

be a better Christian, begin putting him first in my life, and I will

make sure to attend church every Sunday for the rest of my life.

I tried to include all of the right promises to cover myself

considering my request. We went to our appointment and my

husband I and both went through a series of tests. As

embarrassing and humbling as this was, we were excited to learn

the doctors thought they had the problem pinpointed. They were

even reassuring in their belief of IUI being successful for us!

However, four IUI procedures later (which lasts a few months)

we were still in the same boat we were the first day we stepped

in to the doctor’s office. I was heartbroken but yet when I think

back, I still hadn’t changed my life spiritually like I had promised

God I would.

At times I was angry with God. I am in the education business

and I see so many families with numerous amachildren they can’t

even take care of. To make matters worse, it seems they just keep

getting pregnant. To say I was envious would be an

understatement. I would ask God daily “Why me? Why can’t

this happen for me just one more time?” Infertility is such an

emotional rollercoaster and until you have been in that situation,

you have no idea the emotions your body can go through. It was

definitely time for a break. My mind needed it and my heart as

well. So many times I would say to myself “I’m done . . . I can’t

do it any longer. I will just be content with what the Lord has

given me.” Yet day after day my mind would go crazy and

having a baby would consume my every thought. I am the type

of person that when I set my mind to doing something or

achieving a goal I will not rest until the task is complete. I would

spend countless hours online at night reading infertility pages,

blogs with women talking back and forth about what was

working for them or just where they were in this journey. It was

nice to read night after night how these women felt because I had

the same feelings and thoughts. Needless to say my thoughts of

pity and feeling sorry for myself actually helped my immediate

emotions yet it did not satisfy what I wanted for my family.

I decided to talk to my husband about IVF and what his thoughts

were on us giving that a try. It didn’t take him long to go along

with what I had already decided because that’s what he did

throughout this whole process. No matter what I wanted, he

wanted it that much more. He wanted to give me anything and

everything to heal my pain. I love him so much for that. After

talking with my doctor she insisted if I really wanted to proceed

with IVF, she would prefer for me go to a highly successful clinic

in Cincinnati. Even though it would mean endless commute

times of 3 hours each way, we made a commitment to give this

endeavor every effort we could. I’ll never forget our first

appointment and how I felt walking in and how I felt when we

walked out. Walking in, we were nervous, scared and guarded.

However, when we left after that first consultation, my fear had

subsided. I was filled with joy, hope, and excitement for the first

time since this journey started. They even took our picture

together right before we left. The staff said they do that for all

couples so if they are successful they could put our picture up on

the wall. This wall was filled with wonderful success stories of

many couples in the same situation as us. As silly as it sounds, I

could not wait for my picture to be up on that wall because I just

knew this would work.

After numerous trips to Cincinnati over the next few months

(some even back to back days), our excitement had not weakened

yet we were just anxious to have our story unfold. Yet, our story

did not have the ending we wanted. We never even made it to

the egg retrieval process. After 3 attempts of giving myself shots

every day and going for ultrasounds and routine blood work my

body just could not make more than one egg at a time. After

almost a year of experiments, trials and tests, we found ourselves

wondering which direction we were headed in next. The

optimism by the doctor was still high and that always had us

feeling hopeful.

One day, after yet another ultrasound, the doctor asked if he could

see us in his office. My stomach hit the floor because that was

not routine or normal for our visits. I did not want to go in that

office. As we sat there, we heard these words, “It’s not going to

work.” I was not ready for those words. Even as the doctor was

talking, I could not hold the tears in. I wept as I sat there and I

immediately felt so empty inside. Looking back, I cannot

imagine how hard that must have been for the doctor. Chris and

I left the office and like we had been doing for months, we

decided to go eat lunch before we made the three hour drive

home. After we both ordered, we just sat there with tears rolling

down both our cheeks. We ate maybe two bites of our food in

what seemed like total silence. What do you say in that moment

to make it better or make the hurt go away? You don’t. You sit

there together and understand the silence because you know

exactly what the other person is feeling. You realize no words at

that moment will make it better.

After getting back home, the hurt and disappointment were real

and still ever present. One would think I could just let it go and

be satisfied knowing I did all I could and I just be so thankful to

God for the chance to try IVF considering most families are not

that fortunate to have the opportunity. A few months passed and

I still could not keep it off my mind. I would ask myself “What’s

next? What can I do now to make this happen?” My every

thought was about how bad I wanted this and I would find a way.

I called the doctor and talked to him about what my options were

now if any. He told me egg donation would be my next step. He

discussed with me how most women who have sisters use their

eggs and it works out better than using the egg bank. I did not

even hesitate . . . here was another opportunity! I came home that

day and talked to my sister about what the doctor and I discussed.

I told her this wasn’t a decision she needed to make immediately

and to take some time to think it through and talk to her husband.

In the meantime, Chris and I decided if they did agree to do this,

we thought it best to never tell anyone it was her egg. We would

just tell everyone that we tried the process one more time and it

worked for us. Once again, I got so excited about the thought of

this finally working. Following the same path as before, I begged

God to please let her say yes and for it to work this time. I

repeatedly begged for what I wanted yet continued to give

nothing in return. About a month after talking with my sister, the

four of us had dinner together one night. Right before they left,

they informed us of their decision to go ahead with the process.

She wanted so badly to help us and she knew my hurt.

The next day I called the office and set up all of our appointments.

In these situations, you must go through counseling together to

make sure everyone is ok with the process, to review the

medications to be taken and what the feeling will be if it does

work. There are many different factors which weigh on your

mind when making such a huge decision as this. My sister had a

nine month old baby at the time and she wanted to ensure her

ovaries would not be damaged in this process. She wanted to

make sure she would be able to have more children in years to

come. All of our concerns and worries were put to ease by the

doctor and we were ready to proceed yet again.

One afternoon I came home and was killing time before going to

church for a seniors dinner we were helping with. I love to sit on

my back porch in the late afternoon and that’s where my sister

found me as she came busting through the door. She was crying

so hard that I could not even understand what she was trying to

tell me. As I stood there it suddenly made sense and hit me like

a ton of bricks. My sister was pregnant. She had no plans of

having another baby at that time since her first child was only

nine months old. I found myself consoling her to keep from

breaking down. I could tell she felt horrible and she kept

apologizing for letting me down. Understanding her emotions, I

assured her it was fine and it just wasn’t meant to be. I was just

hoping someone would help me actually believe those words.

That night I found myself yet again in that place of comforting

silence sitting in the chair with Chris. That place we both knew

all too well. With tears of heartbreak, he told me it evidently just

wasn’t in Gods plans for it to happen this way. At this very point

in my life everything changed after turning to God’s word for

answers. Over and over I would read 2 Corinthians 12:8-10.

8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it

away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is

sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in

weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more

gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s

power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s

sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in

hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For

when I am weak, then I am strong.

Every time I would read “three times I pleaded with the Lord to

take it away from me”, my mind went back to the IUI procedures,

the IVF procedures, and then to the egg donation plan which

failed before it began. Even though I begged him three different

times, each time he was saying to me “My grace is sufficient for

you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” How powerful

and true this! Realizing how I had not been paying attention to

those words, my prayers changed to simply asking for peace.

It took a while but I finally accepted the fact our journey and

efforts were over. Once the Lord gave me the peace I was

seeking in my situation, I found myself always telling him he was

in control and I believed and accepted that. Even though a piece

of my heart was still missing, every night I would ask him to just

lead me in the right direction. To lead me to that piece so

hopefully someday I could be whole. I would lay there and have

conversations with him explaining how my heart felt like a

puzzle missing that one little tiny piece.

Over the next year and a half I would find that my heart was in a

different place spiritually. My marriage was going in such a

positive direction and we were enjoying time with our son. My

life was good and I was content. The Lord was finally finding

his way to the top of my life where he needed to be all along.

Life had finally gotten back to normal and I had learned to thank

God every single day for what I had because there is always

someone out there who has it worse.

It was almost Christmas time and 2013 was coming to a close.

We were in our last week of school before leaving for holiday

break when my son’s teacher came to me with a letter. It was a

letter he had written to Santa Claus but for some reason he had

wadded it up and thrown in the garbage. As I read the first two

lines, my emotions got the best of me . . .

Dear Santa,

Do you have any babies? If you do, could you

bring me one? I don’t know what it feels like to be a big

brother!

Throughout this entire journey, I had worried about mine and

Chris’s feelings. I had never considered how my son felt. I knew

a couple of times he had gotten upset when someone’s mom got

pregnant or when one of his aunts was pregnant. I knew of times

he would blow out the candles on his birthday cake wishing for

a brother or sister. I knew he would sometimes question why his

friends could have a baby brother or sister but not him. Yet we

had abandoned his feelings unintentionally when trying to heal

our own hurt and pain. At times we had tried to answer his

questions but only in passing. We would tell him it was always

God’s decision and never our own. It was never a “discussion”

because we honestly did not want to bring this situation in to his

life. We tried to guard him and protect him yet he was hurting in

his own way. Our 9 year old boy should have been asking Santa

Claus for toys and games yet he was asking for a baby brother or

sister. I felt so helpless and ashamed not being able to give my

son his wish.

A couple of nights later, Chris said he was going to take our son

for a drive to talk about the letter to Santa. Finding an empty

parking lot, Chris pulled in, put the car in park and turned to him

and said “Buddy, we need to talk.” Immediately he jumped in to

Chris’ lap and starting bawling, apologizing for the letter to

Santa, saying he knew Santa could not bring him a baby and for

Mommy and Daddy to not be upset with him. With tears rolling

down his face, Chris promised that little boy he would never stop

trying to fulfill his wish for a baby brother or sister.

That night Chris decided to get online and research adoption. We

had looked many times before yet after incurring the cost of IVF,

there was no way we could afford the cost of adoption through

another country or even an agency. A few nights later, Chris

came to me and said I know this sounds crazy but I’ve been

reading where some families are getting connected on social

media. Even though I was not totally convinced of the idea, Chris

did what he normally does and pursued the idea since he was so

curious. On December 27th he posted an ad to Craig’s List stating

we were a family looking to adopt. At first, he did not tell me he

posted this online. Throughout this journey, he was so cautious

to protect my heart. However, after receiving so many inquiries

from people looking for money or other motives, he shared with

me what he had posted. Even though the correspondence led to

dead ends, he continued to pursue this avenue. On December

29th, Chris literally sat online and posted to every board, forum

and blog he could find just hoping there was a glimmer of hope

somewhere out there. The next few days he would open each

email with anticipation hoping he could finally surprise his wife

with this wonderful news! Yet each email was followed by

hitting the delete button. However, everything changed on

December 31st. His ad was answered by a family in West

Virginia.

I will never forget that moment: we were driving back from a

week in Gulf Shores when we stopped in Franklin, KY to eat

dinner at McDonalds. As we were walking in, Chris handed me

his phone and said “You need to read this . . . for some reason I

think this is real.” As I read it, I just knew this was all too good

to be true! I just kept reading it over and over. I kept telling

myself to just put the phone down and stop reading it. There was

no chance of this being real. Yet something in our hearts and

minds kept telling us this was different.

Even though it was New Year’s Eve, Chris sat up all night and

talked with this expectant mother for hours. They exchanged

stories and information. Chris shared our journey with this

complete stranger who was sitting at a computer in West

Virginia. I later read all of the emails from that night yet had I

known he was sharing all of this . . . I probably would have been

upset with him. We had kept all of this so private and here he

was sharing the past few years of our life with this lady who

replied to an ad on Craigslist.

The next day, Chris went to the hospital to see his grandmother

and his parents were there visiting as well. Even though we had

not discussed this with anyone, he actually told them to read the

emails (evidently he could not stop smiling). While they were

reading, Chris looked at both of them and said “As crazy as this

sounds . . . I believe this is 100% real.” I’m sure they thought we

had lost our minds.

I wanted to be as excited and confident as Chris but I just wasn’t.

My fear of disappointment outweighed everything else. I did not

want to be hurt again. As much as I could not totally accept the

fact this might be true and really happening, with Chris being all

in and telling his parents, I needed to tell my family.

I remember sitting in my sister’s basement with her, my brother-

in-law and my mom. I began telling them this story and showing

them email after email. Hesitant to even tell them, I was

reluctantly wondering what their reaction would be. I knew this

was absolutely unheard of in our small town world. However,

my mom and sister’s smiles grew with each email they read. In

a moment when the unknown is all I had, I found comfort in

knowing I had their support. There was still one person I needed

to tell and that is a memory I will never forget.

I opened the door, walked in and knelt down by my Dad, taking

his hand. “Dad” I said, “Chris and I have met a family online

who wants us to adopt their child.” He looked at me with tears

flowing down his face and proclaimed how happy he was for me.

You see a daddy doesn’t like to see his baby girl hurt and even

though I had not cried to him over my situation, or shared every

little detail, he knew my heart.

With the support from our families, Chris was evidently ready to

ask the most important question. He was hesitant but sent an

email with just one question: “So before we get too emotionally

involved, when will you be making your decision regarding who

will be adopting the baby?” This might be a good time to fill you

in on something I did not know initially either . . . Chris spent all

of that New Year’s Eve emailing her back and forth in hopes of

convincing her we were the best candidates. Could this unlikely

story actually take any more turns and twists? Is my husband

actually have to use a “sales pitch” for our adoption process?

Should Chris even be talking to this lady? Finally, she replied

back . . . “After talking with my husband, we have chosen you to

be the adoptive family.”

The only thing Chris wanted was for me to be happy. For years

he had seen my hurt and he would later tell me how he felt guilty

and ashamed. In his mind he was supposed to be the provider for

our family. He was always supposed to give me everything I

wanted or needed. He wanted to heal my pain and see me smiling

instead of crying. He wanted to see joy instead of sadness. I

guess he was excited because he thought he may have found a

solution.

He would often try to talk to me about this possibility and I would

just listen to appease him. I wanted to believe him and be excited

with him. Yet I thought after all we have been through there is

no way it is this easy. This has to be a scam for someone to just

get money. Within the next two weeks we made plans to go meet

with this family in their hometown of Beckley, West Virginia.

We also arranged to meet with a lawyer to share this bizarre story.

We obviously were hesitant but always referred back to the

promise we made our 9 year old son . . . we would not stop trying.

Making the trip to Beckley, West Virginia, we had no idea how

to feel about what would transpire during that trip. Chris had

even told his Dad the schedule and when he would contact him.

He even told him if he did not hear from him by a certain time,

to call the police in Beckley, West Virginia. We were both scared

but pressed forward because we really had no choice.

I remember sitting on that bed in our hotel room. We would be

leaving soon to go meet with the expectant mother and her

husband. I had so many emotions and feelings going through my

mind and my heart. The only thing I wanted to do is pray. I

asked Chris to please hold my hands and pray with me. As I sat

there and listened to what I thought was the most beautiful prayer

I had ever heard, I had a peace come over me that is

unexplainable. It was that very moment that I thought: This is

real, this is going to happen, and this is the missing piece of my

heart I have searched for in all the wrong places. God is leading

me here just like I had asked. He was actually just waiting on me

to fulfill the promises I had made to him. I had been faithful to

him, accepting what obstacles he had put in my life throughout

this journey.

We left the hotel ready to face the day before us. The meeting

with the lawyer went better than expected. She didn’t tell us we

were officially crazy. She did say she hoped it worked out for us

and of course her fee and the information she would need. It all

seemed fairly simple and straight forward. Was this too easy so

far? Leaving to meet the couple, we really had nothing to say or

any agenda for the approaching lunch conversation. We arrived

at the restaurant and waited patiently for the couple to arrive. As

a car would pull in, we would be looking out the window with

anticipation. Finally, we saw a car pull in and knew immediately

it was them. I’m not sure why yet we knew instantly. We sat

down with the family and instantly fell in love with the sweet

baby boy inside her tummy and I loved them unexplainably for

what they were doing for us.

I still remember leaving that restaurant, sitting down in the car

and crying tears of joy while Chris wrapped me in his arms. I

think I was holding him as much as he was holding me. We both

agreed on talking to our son about this and discussed how we

would tell him. We wanted him to enjoy the journey and have

the months of anticipation which is part of all pregnancies. We

left there and went to buy our baby boy his first outfit. We

wrapped it up and bought a card and left for our home in

Kentucky. The drive home seemed like days. We were so

excited to get home and tell our son the good news! His reaction

could not have been more precious. I’m still amazed at the

emotions and tears of joy he showed for such a young age. To

have the opportunity of making our son this happy was the most

satisfying experience of my life.

The next two months involved a world of unknown. We

anxiously awaited the birth and the opportunity to finally meet

our son. However we were not afforded the opportunity to go to

the doctor visits or ultrasounds. We relied solely on the

information thru email and texts. This was a trying time yet we

depended on our prayers to God and left it totally in his hands.

The feeling of praying for the birthmother, her health and our

new baby boy was overwhelming. Yet God still allowed me to

have the peace I had longed for.

Two months later, I found myself sitting in the waiting room with

Chris and our son. We wanted to include him on the journey and

let him experience it knowing we would not have a second

chance at this. I finally got the text saying our baby boy was

almost here. I sprinted down the hall praying for our baby boy

and his health. The nurses opened the door and let me. I stepped

thru the door and she placed in my arms my sweet baby boy. I

cried like I never had before. This was it . . . the missing piece

to my puzzle was securely in my arms and I loved him so much

already.

The adoption process varies depending on the state the baby is

born in. According to West Virginia law, we had to stay for 72

hours before the adoption process could be finalized. What we

anticipated being a stressful few days had moments of pure joy

and times of trials. However, God took me by the hand and said

“I never have nor will ever leave you. Trust in me . . . I will help

you thru this. You just had to let me take the lead.” 72 hours

later we signed the papers, loaded our car and pulled out as a

family to come home to Kentucky. I remember looking back at

our oldest son as we started the journey. Tears in his eyes . . . a

smile on his face . . . his brother’s hand in his . . . he was ready

to go home.

As I look back on my journey I see God in every single step

where at the time I couldn’t see him at all. I was too blinded with

selfishness. I tried taking control instead of letting God lead me

in the direction he wanted me to go. He got our journey started

in Louisville but soon moved it to Cincinnati. You see Chris and

I spent countless hours on the road back and forth to the

appointments. God was using this time to allow us to grow as

husband and wife. We needed that time together to become

closer and God knew that. He was not saying no to our wants.

He was just saying “Not yet. There is more to prove before I give

you this.” The time after IVF brought me so close to the Lord. I

was in a place I had never been and it felt so good. I turned to

God and said, “OK, I’m ready. I’m letting you lead.” And even

though I thought I knew how the story was supposed to end . . .

God led me on a journey that would forever change my family

and my life.

He was right when he said “My grace is sufficient for you, for

my power is made perfect in weakness.” My weakness did not

drive me away from the Lord but brought me closer to him.

Maxwell was meant to be mine. It was God’s plan. All things

happen in his time not ours. He knew what he had in store for

us. We just had to let him lead and trust in his will for our lives.

Amanda Brown