lakeshore wedding planner

1

PLANNER

inside:Wedding Budget

Social Media on the rise

for weddings

Buying a Diamond

RingGroom’s

Cakes& Much

More!

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2012 Lakeshore Wedding PLanner is published by The Sheboygan Press and Herald Times Reporter. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without prior consent of The Sheboygan Press or Herald Times Reporter. For information, contact Dave Liebelt at 920-453-5120, [email protected] or James Maurer, 920-686-9924, [email protected].

6 What’s the rush? in defense of a delayed honeymoon

11 Groom’s cakes no longer just simple or Southern

16 What to look for when buying a diamond ring

21 Can there be too much white at a wedding?

24 Wedding budget

27 Social media, mobile tech on the rise for weddings

36 Q&A with the Emily Post institute about wedding etiquitte

40 Make plans to ensure your wedding gown’s future

44 Couples’ letters move ceremony to ‘deeper place’

inside:You and the person of your dreams are embarking on a new life together, and we couldn’t be happier for you. It’s time to create a day that you and your loved ones will never forget.

Your wedding is about you, which is why we hope our 2012 Wedding Planner will inspire you with ideas for showcasing your personal style and coming in under budget - no sacrifices necessary.

From the honeymoon to the dress, we give you expert advice on how to pull off a perfect wedding no matter what your constraints. Dive in. Heed some of our tips and have a fabulous wedding!

congratulations!

General Manager-Sheboygan/ Mike knuthGeneral Manager-Manitowoc/ Lowell Johnson

Advertising Managers / dave Liebelt, James Maurer

Graphic Artist / kristy gnadt

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MMy wedding was perfect: a miraculous, 52-degree day during an otherwise freezing Boston winter. Friends and family smiling. A gorgeous dress. A tasty cake. Blue-tinted hydrangeas flown in from Japan. And the storybook, love-at-first-sight romance at the center of it all.

There isn’t a thing I would change about that day; it’s the honeymoon I’d do over.

Specifically, I’d do it at another time.

Couples planning a wedding face obvious pressure to go on a honeymoon immediately after the tying of the knot. They want to seize the moment and indulge in a romantic, intimate vacation while still riding the wave of wedding euphoria. They want, as we thought we did, to escape the obligations of family and friends by running off to a tropical island far, far away.

To which I say: Reconsider. Delay that postnuptial vacation.

A belated honeymoon is the No. 1 piece of advice that Carley Roney, editor in chief of TheKnot.com, offers engaged couples.

“You should never leave the morning after,” said Roney, who delayed her own honeymoon. “You want to have that time with your friends and family, because so often people are coming from far and wide, and then you disappear.”

Couples should still plan the honeymoon in advance, Roney said, but book it for five or six months after the wedding. That gives them a chance to “double-dip”: They can be around friends, siblings and parents during the next-day playback, when everybody is still happy and willing to dissect the event as many times as you want. Then you get to relive the passion of your wedding day a few months later, when you go on your honeymoon.

CoNTINueD oN Page 8 >>>

What’s the rush? in defense of a

{ t h e h o n e y m o o n }

honeymoondelayed By HILLARy SPEED

For The AssociATed Press

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For a personal consultation, please contact Kathy Rassel [email protected] or 800-778-5591.

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<<< CoNTINueD FRoM Page 6

Also, following the joy of a wedding with a trip can diminish the excitement of being on vacation.

“Sometimes after that total drama and excitement, the honeymoon can be like, ‘Do I really have the energy?’ It can be a bit of a downer in comparison,” Roney said.

According to a study by TheKnot.com and The Wedding Channel in 2010, 80 percent of marrying couples take a honeymoon, and eight out of 10 of them leave right away.

For us, that felt too soon.

exhausted from the festivities on Jan. 1, our big day, my husband and I crashed at a Boston hotel, barely able to process the whirlwind we had just experienced. We passed on the champagne, passed on the chocolate-covered strawberries, passed on the yada yada yada and simply collapsed into a deep slumber, already feeling like an “old married couple.”

Four hours later, we rose with the sun to jet off to Mexico, far from all the family and friends we had barely had enough time with the day before.

We flew to Cancun, waded through customs for more than an hour, then hitched a ride with a car service to a port, where we waited for a ferry to take us to Isla Mujeres. once there, we hailed a taxi to our not particularly luxurious B&B. All before lunch.

Distant were the memories of the festivities just one day before. While many of our loved ones gathered at my parents’ house, we couldn’t even find Internet access to let them know we had arrived safely.

I finally found a patch of shoddy wireless the next day that lasted just long enough for a quick view of the first wedding photos that friends

had uploaded to Facebook. My husband and I huddled over my too-small iPhone, soaking up those first shots of our magical day.

For most of the 19th century, the word “honeymoon,” or “honey-lunacy,” referred not to a trip, but to the period of time after the wedding when a couple was still swallowed up by love.

“The honeymoon was said to last one month, after which tenderness would wane like ‘the changing moon,“’ according to scholar Barbara Penner, who wrote “Newlyweds on Tour: Honeymooning in Nineteenth-Century America” (university of New Hampshire Press, 2009).

“A post-wedding trip was referred to as a wedding journey, bridal tour or nuptial tour, while a honeymoon denoted a generic period of newlywed bliss,” she said.

As the tradition evolved, it began to be seen as the first opportunity for a new couple to be alone and to share sleeping quarters.

But these days, many couples are less desperate for time alone. The rarer opportunity may be those few extra days with far-flung cousins, grandparents and friends.

And most couples have jobs with limited time off, and have already spent many a paycheck on the wedding itself. By returning to work for a few extra months, you could perhaps earn a more extravagant vacation, or take one with less guilt.

our honeymoon suffered from overzealous budgeting. Thinking about spending money on a trip in addition to the wedding, even though we didn’t pay for most of it, was almost too much for our frugal minds to bear. We cut costs everywhere we could, and it showed.

I recommend the delayed honeymoon. ❍

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Baseball stadiums, poker chips and racks of saucy ribs don’t usually come to mind when you think “wedding.” But these manly pursuits have found their way to the dessert table through a new breed of groom’s cake that is more elaborate and personal than ever. Traditionally a gift from the bride to her new husband, the groom’s cake was usually a simple affair, made with fruit and liquor, and perhaps chocolate. It is believed to have originated in Victorian england and arrived in the united States in the mid-19th century, where it became popular mostly in the

South.

Take today’s trend of highly personalized weddings, add the fact that more grooms are involved in wedding planning, and throw in the popularity of extreme baking shows such as TLC network’s “Cake Boss,” and you’ll find that humble groom’s cakes have evolved into works of edible art.

While traditionalists still honor the groom with a plain, round cake, many couples are ordering cakes in the groom’s favorite flavor and in the shape of golf clubs, fishing gear, football helmets, smart phones, and guys-night foods like burgers, pizza and hot dogs.

“It’s really about the groom’s interests and his hobbies and something that’s reflective of the groom,” said Darcy Miller, editorial director of Martha Stewart Weddings. “A wedding is


By LISA A. FLAM | For The AssociATed Press

Groom’sno longer

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about the two of them. That’s one detail that can be all about the groom.”

After last spring’s royal wedding, at which Britain’s Prince William requested a groom’s cake made of biscuits, the popularity of the cakes among u.S. couples is likely to get another boost, Miller said.

“All eyes were on that wedding,” she said. “I think (William’s) groom’s cake will definitely help inspire the growing trend here.”

Groom’s cakes originally were served at weddings. Today, they also appear at rehearsal dinners or day-after brunches. Wedding planner Tara Guerard, who owns Soiree in Charleston, S.C., urges her couples to enjoy the groom’s cake at the rehearsal dinner to give the groom a night in the spotlight, so his cake doesn’t get overshadowed by the big white one.

“A lot of our grooms want this groom’s cake,” she said. “It’s really important to them.”

Women sometimes keep their grooms in the dark about the cake; other men help select it with their fiancees while choosing a wedding cake.

John Keenan wasn’t interested in having a groom’s cake for his August wedding in Baton Rouge, La., but his fiancee persisted. “We have to have something that puts you in the picture, too,” his wife, Ashley, 26, recalled telling him.

Pushed to choose, Keenan, 31, asked their baker if she could create the only design he could imagine

for himself: Yankee Stadium.

“I almost fell down,” Keenan said, upon seeing the highly detailed cake. “It was more than I could have asked for.”

Being a native New Yorker in Louisiana is “such an odd thing,” Keenan said, in the drawl of a true Southerner. “The fact that I was able to put a New York twist (on the wedding) ... it was really nice.”

Like Keenan’s confection celebrating the Yankees, these cakes often highlight something that reminds a guy of home.

Patrick Delaney wanted a groom’s cake when he got married last year but was resigned to missing out when his fiancee told him they couldn’t afford one. Instead, she surprised him at their rehearsal dinner in Alexandria, Va., with a cake touting his Kansas City roots.

It was shaped as a grill, with a sizzling rack of ribs and a bottle of barbecue sauce from his favorite childhood rib joint, Gates Bar-B-Q.

“I was amazed,” said Delaney, 30. “It had even more weight because most of my groomsmen and the family members I had at the rehearsal dinner were from Kansas City.”



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Bob Hazlet, originally from ohio, also was surprised at his wedding last year in Memphis, Tenn., with a groom’s cake that looked like his iPhone 4. His bride had the apps personalized: the Cincinnati Bengals, ohio State, bowling and Chuck Taylors (he wore a pair at the wedding).

“That got more compliments and comments after we posted the photos than anything else,” said Hazlet, 32. “I hang around in those geek circles, and even folks there were pretty excited.”

With so much information about weddings available in magazines, online and on TV, more couples are aware of the groom’s cake tradition, and the cakes are now being sliced

and served in many

par ts

of the country, not just the South, Miller said.

Rachael Myers, owner and baker at Sweet Tooth Confections, a small, custom-order bakery in Alviso, Calif., says the number of groom’s cakes she made nearly doubled from summer 2010 to summer 2011, with about 60 percent of couples now ordering them. Her couples mostly learned about groom’s cakes through cake-baking shows or real weddings posted online, she said. They order cakes shaped into guitars, baseball hats and gloves, and vintage cars.

“Here in California, it’s not about the cake itself, it’s about what can we create out of cake that the groom is just going to fall over on,” Myers said.

“People are starting to realize it’s really more of an art form than anything else,” she said.

even in the South, Kyleen Kiger-Smith, who owns Fairy Dust Cakes in Denham Springs, La., and baked Keenan’s Yankee Stadium cake, says just one in 10 groom’s cakes she makes is the old-fashioned kind.

Because of the elaborate work, her groom’s cakes, though smaller than most wedding cakes, usually cost $10 to $12 a serving, compared to $5.50 per slice of wedding cake. But price is not holding her couples back, Kiger-Smith said.

Many, she said, “realize how much time these cakes take and they’re willing to pay for them, and they’re willing to outdo the wedding they just went to.” ❍


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{ t h e r i n g }

What to look forwhen buying a

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FFinding an engagement ring that fits a woman’s style, personality and is flaweless in appearance can be challenging. But when incorporating the 4 Cs during a purchase, chances are you will choose the right diamond.Carat, color, cut and clarity are the properties to look for in a diamond and they add up to affect cost and appearance of the stone.

Carat: Diamonds are measured in metric carats equal to 1/5 of a gram. In general, the heavier a diamond is the more valuable it is. But a bigger stone is not always better.

The other Cs affect a diamond’s appearance and radiance.

Cut: Cut dictates how light travels through the diamond to provide maximum radiance. The better the cut, the more sparkle. Cut is then divided into type of cut with round brilliant being the most traditional, but princess cuts are gaining popularity.

Clarity: This refers to the number of imperfections in a stone. Diamonds are rated on a scale of flawless (the rarest and most valuable) to inclusions (which contains more imperfections).

Color: Maybe the easiest quality to tell with the naked eye. Most diamonds contain some color, with value increasing as they approach colorless. The Gemological Institute of America rates diamonds on a scale from D (colorless) to Z (light yellow).

Today’s styles range from traditional to custom and contemporary designs, says Lucian Lee, owner of Hale’s Jewelers in Greenville, but most popular tend to be princess cut and round brilliant, both of which provide a lot of sparkle no matter a stone’s size. Mountings and bands are more often white metal like gold or platinum.

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By SAMANTHA CRITCHELL | AP FAshion WriTer

white


Can there be too much

at a wedding?

{ t h e t h e m e }

IIs it alright to go all white? of course, white is the traditional color for brides, but many of them are surrounding themselves with white way beyond a head-to-toe look. It’s more like left to right and floor to ceiling, and everything in between.

“I do love an all-white wedding,” gushes fashion designer Amsale Aberra, who uses her first name as her label. “I think it can be very beautiful.”

But, in the next breath, Aberra says the look leaves room for error, with white-wearing bridesmaids and flower girls, white flowers, white tablecloths and white candles all potentially

stealing the bride’s thunder. “You don’t want to need to wear the veil the whole day just to be identified as the bride,” she says.

It takes a woman with a strong personality and sense of self to remain the belle of the ball, and she needs to embrace little tools to help her shine — things like a beaded waistband on her gown or choosing a dress that’s just a slightly different shade of white than everyone else’s, adds celebrity wedding planner David Tutera.

Kate Middleton pulled it off at the big British royal wedding this spring, Tutera said, but even so, her sister, Pippa Middleton, got her fair share of attention in her white cowl-neck gown.

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“I think the royal wedding will have an influence on brides for years, even decades, to come, and Pippa Middleton’s white Alexander McQueen bridesmaid dress will most certainly be credited with sparking a trend,” says Darcy Miller, editorial director of Martha Stewart Weddings. She notes, however, that it’s a longtime tradition in Britain to have the wedding party wear white.

“It’s very striking,” Miller adds, noting that Beyonce and Kim Kardashian also opted for the color — or non-color — scheme.

Miller says the look is sophisticated, too — but more versatile than one might think. “The classic look of an all-white wedding is thought of as very traditional, but the clean, sophisticated palette can easily be transformed for modern venues so it is suitable for all types of brides. Whether you are getting married on the beach, at a country club, at a ski lodge or on a city rooftop, the look will translate, so you really can’t go wrong.”

Tutera, who hosts WeTV’s “My Fair Wedding,” still isn’t fully sold. When white is done right, there’s nothing better, he says, but there’s still more of a chance that something could go

wrong.

The re

are hundreds of shades of white, from bright, blueish diamond white to a creamy, more yellowed eggshell white, he notes. The color scheme of the wedding should all be in the same family, although not 100 percent matching, either.

Aberra encourages the warmer, richer shades, perhaps the eggshell, ivory or champagne. “That metallic white — that’s not flattering to almost anybody. A more natural white has a more pearl feel to it, it’s not harsh. I’d stay away from a harsh white, especially in the daytime, which will just look brighter and brighter.”

Seems like a lot of detail for a bride to keep track of, but Manhattan-based photographer


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Christian oth says the results can be worth it.

“It’s an established fact that brides look great in white — it might even be why they do it! When you have a bunch of bridesmaids all dressed in white, that’s a beautiful visual thing,” oth says.

He’d much rather see the parade of white coming at him than the bridal parties of a few decades ago, with the bridesmaids in pouffy-sleeve, fuchsia dresses and the groomsmen wearing ties to match. “Those typical bridesmaids’ dresses are very hard to photograph well,” oth adds.

And the different shades of white that are apparent to the naked eye probably won’t show up in pictures, he says.

Still, a little hint of contrast color does work well; oth suggests white floral bouquets that have visible green stems.

Miller agrees that it’s the small details that are key with an all-white wedding. Fabrics and textures will create the depth, she says.

She ticks off suggestions, including bouquets of white peonies paired with a cluster of dahlias, white orchids and snowberry branches, tied with satin and lace.

She likes white flowers on the table, but also suggests whitewashed papier-mâché fruit piled on a cake stand and trimmed with silver millinery leaves.

White works on the menu if you serve hors d’oeuvres during the cocktail hour made with seafood such as scallops, yellowtail or crabmeat; veggies like cauliflower and parsnips; and even pasta.

The one place a bride and groom shouldn’t see white — unless they specifically request it — is in the crowd, the experts say, with Miller saying the “common consensus” is that only the bride, or bridal party, wears white unless the invitation says otherwise.

Tutera says he recently worked with a bride for a year to find her per fect gown, but was upstaged by a guest. “This guest wore all white. She stood out like a sore thumb. You had to ask: What was that guest thinking?” ❍

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Item estimated cost actual cost who pays?

here is a basic breakdown of what you can expect to spend your wedding budget on. A good tip, and to avoid stress, allot about 5% of your total budget for a “just-in-case” fund.

Wedding CeremonyLocation Feeofficiant Fee / DonationAccessories (rings pillow, basket, unity candle, etc.)organist, Vocalist Fees

Miscellaneous Costs

sUBToTaL

Wedding receptionLocation RentalTables / ChairsSilverware / CupsWedding Favors and GiftsFood / CatererBartenderBeverages (cocktail hour)Disc Jockey (DJ)Live Band and/or MusiciansCakeCake Knife and Server

Miscellaneous Costs

sUBToTaL

attireBride’s RingGroom’s RingWedding DressHeadpiece / VeilBride’s Accessories (shoes, gloves, jewelry, etc.)Hair, Makeup and NailsGroom’s Tuxedo or SuitGroom’s Accessories (shoes, tie, cufflinks, etc.)

Miscellaneous Costs

sUBToTaL

Photo & Videoengagement PhotosPhotographer’s FeeVideographer’s Fee

Miscellaneous Costs

sUBToTaL

{ t h e b u d g e t }

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Item estimated cost actual cost who pays?

Flowers & decorationsBride’s BouquetBridesmaid’s BouquetsGroomsmen’s BoutonnieresCeremony Flower DecorationsReception Flower Decorations & CenterpiecesMiscellaneous Costs (flowers for parents, grandparents, ushers, etc.)

sUBToTaL

stationaryWedding InvitationsReply CardsPostageReception Seating CardsMiscellaneous Costs (thank you notes, save the date cards, etc.)

sUBToTaL

TransportationCar Rental (Limo)

Miscellaneous Costs

sUBToTaL

honeymoonWedding Night AccommodationsTravel CostsHoneymoon AccommodationsMealsSpending MoneyPassport

Miscellaneous Costs

sUBToTaL

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{ t h e t e c h n o l o g y }

conTinued on page 28 >>>

AAs her grandfather sat pleasantly perplexed at her wedding, Lauren Barnes reached into the recesses of her strapless white gown, whipped out her iPhone and accepted her groom’s Facebook relationship change to “married.”

“nothing’s official,” she said, “until it’s Facebook official!”

in today’s $78-billion-a-year business of getting hitched, those wacky viral videos of whole wedding parties dancing down the aisle seem positively 2009. social media,

mobile tools and online vendors are abundant to offer the happy couple extra fun, savings and convenience, though most of the nation’s betrothed aren’t ready to completely let go of tradition.

some send out video save-the-dates, include high-speed scannable “Qr” barcodes on invitations, live-stream their ceremonies for far-flung loved ones to watch online, and open their party playlists to let friends and families help choose the tunes.

mobile tech on the rise for weddings

Socialmedia,BY LeaNNe ITaLIe | assoCiaTed Press

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They invite guests to live tweet the big day using special Twitter

keywords, called hashtags, and create interactive seating charts so tablemates can chat online ahead of time.

one couple featured a “guest of the week” on their wedding blog. Another ordered up a cake with an iPad embedded at the base to stream photos at

the reception. A third Skyped in a “virtual bridesmaid” who couldn’t make it, so she was walked down the aisle by a groomsman via iPad.

For Steve Poland, 31, in Buffalo, N.Y., it was the whole shebang for his Sept. 10 wedding.

“We used the Twitter hashtag ‘polandwedding,’ our nuptials were read from an iPad by our friend, who got ordained online, and our

wedding invites were printed by the hip us.moo.com

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as postcards that we mailed out. I was really hoping to use Turntable.fm as our music, but it didn’t work out,” he said.

oh, and Poland and his wife, Caryn Hallock, spent part of their honeymoon in a Hawaii tree house they found on Airbnb.com.

According to surveys by the magazine sites Brides and The Knot, tech is on the rise in the world of weddings, with 65 percent of couples now setting up special sites to manage RSVPs, stream video of the ceremony and-or reception, and keep guests in the loop.

one in five couples use mobile apps for planning. That includes chasing down vendors, and virtually trying on and locating dresses. Seventeen percent of couples use social media to plan, shop or register for gifts, along with sharing every detail online. About 14 percent to 18 percent of brides buy a dress online, according to Brides.

Nearly 1 in 5 couples go paperless for invitations or save-the-dates. Many of those

who have preserved the tradition of paper invites have dispensed with the inserts usually tucked inside envelopes, opting for e-mail or Web tools for RSVPs, maps, and details on destinations or related events.

From proposals on Twitter to Foursquare check-ins from the church or honeymoon, weddings seem ready-made for social media sharing — or oversharing, depending on whether you’re invited.

Alexandra Linhares, 23, is nervous about that.

She just moved to Marietta, Ga., but she’s getting married in April back home in Highlands Ranch, Colo. She and fiance Bradley Garritson, 24, are taking care not to gush too much to their hundreds of Facebook friends. other couples turn off their Facebook walls so premature messages of congrats don’t show up before they’ve announced their engagements.

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“There are a lot of people i work with on Facebook and who follow me on Twitter,” Linhares said. “We don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings.”

But apps and online services have saved her life, logistically speaking.

“since we’re planning a wedding from thousands of miles away, we’re relying heavily on technology to help us,” she said. “We have a private Facebook group that we use to communicate with everyone in our bridal party since we’re all in different states and countries.”

Linhares found her gown with the help of an app. she and Garritson rely on skype meetings to interview vendors. They’re keeping track of rsVPs on their phones, along with the usual tangle of deadlines. And they’re using an app to keep track of their budget. The couple went to the cloud — for online data storage and sharing — to maintain a master spreadsheet everyone can access at any time, avoiding the need to push updates around in e-mail.

such tools can be a godsend, so long as older or not-so-techie folk aren’t stranded on the wrong side of the firewall. “But that

list of people is shrinking fast,” said Anja Winikka, site editor for The Knot.

Brides found that 17 percent of couples register for gifts exclusively online. sites have popped up making it easier to combine multiple registries into one — like Myregistry.com — and ask for cash at the same time for honeymoons or home repairs.

cris stone, 33, will marry Jerry delp, 44, in san Antonio, Texas, in May.

“i already have a wedding website,” she said. “People will be able to watch the wedding via live streaming, though it’s only for the ceremony because i consider that the most important part of the wedding.”

John ham, co-founder of ustream, said about 10,000 weddings have been broadcast live from the site — ustreamtv.com — over the last 12 months. “People want to participate in the moment,” he said.

stone is using depositaGift.com. it offers a button on her wedding site so people can give cash for the couple’s home remodel “without ever worrying about checks or actual cash envelopes,” she said.



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“It’s proven extremely popular so far, and surprisingly not with the younger crowd as we had originally assumed, but with the 40 to 55 set who like not worrying about losing the envelope,” Stone said.

She jiggered her Deposit a Gift so people can contribute $25 increments of brick, for instance, or $100 toward the cost of new windows.

Nicole endres, 25, in Centreville, Va., and fiance Dan Rodriguez, 28, asked for cash, among other gifts, on their wedding website using Honeyfund.com, to help pay for their honeymoon in the Dominican Republic.

“We can transfer it straight from PayPal to our bank account, instead of taking checks to the bank,” endres said.

on invitations, some couples are using the small, square QR codes to lead guests online for additional details, and sharing photos and video on Tumblr, Flickr, Picasa or numerous other fast, free sites.

As for the Barnes and James Williams nuptials held Sept. 3 on the grounds of the Long Beach Art Museum, their officiant and friend Andrew Pachon used an iPad for the ceremony, but that and the Facebook fiddle to “married” was about it in the way of tech flourishes.

Williams and Barnes, a 29-year-old physician from Long Beach, had Pachon explain toward the end of the ceremony that the couple wanted to share the moment with their 400-plus Facebook friends.

Before the ceremony, Williams had sent his bride a Facebook request to change his relationship status to “married to Lauren Barnes.” once they were hitched, she accepted using her iPhone — at 5:48 p.m. to be exact. There was a flurry of “likes” from gathered guests and the masses in cyberspace.

But not grandpa, who still managed to have a good time. ❍


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of course, something’s bound to go wrong the day of your wedding. The cake your aunt made arrives in a mushy pool. The microphone screeches as your best friend does the reading. The officiate loses your vows and tries to “wing it” from memory.

Instead of worrying about the things that might happen, take the time now to avoid the awkward moments you can expect will happen.

To help you through some of those tough decisions, we’ve enlisted the help of emily Post, whose legacy of etiquette and manners live on in her great-great-granddaughter, Anna Post, and The emily Post Institute. Anna Post has authored multiple books including, “Do I Have to Wear White,” published earlier this year, and answered some of the most common questions about wedding faux pas.

Q: How do you trim the guest list?anna: If the guest list is too large you have one of two choices: You can extend your budget or you can limit your guest list. Ask yourself, ‘Which is more important, keeping to this vision of “my day” or sticking to our budget?’ If money is not negotiable, which is very common these days, look at how the list is divided. You might let the bride and groom chose 50 percent, and their parents the other half. If there are stepparents involved, the pie might be sliced even further. It’s nicer if you can do that beforehand.

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Q: How do you approach guests that haven’t sent an RSVP?anna: Call them up and ask. Direct is best, I think, but a kind of direct that doesn’t reveal that they are annoying the pants off you. Try enlisting close friends and family, maybe bridesmaids if they are willing, to help. Plan to make those calls about one week before you really need your final guest list.

Q: Is it OK to send first and second rounds of invitations?anna: I think it’s often more trouble that it’s worth, not just in the form of potential hurt feelings. Send them all at once and expect that about 10 percent will not be able to attend.

Q: How do you ask for cash instead of gifts, without sounding greedy?anna: It’s not wrong to ask for it. It’s wrong to demand it. The choice of gift is always up to the person buying it. That said, most people would like to know what’s really useful to you. If that happens to be cash, traditionally information about your registry was given by word of mouth through close family. If you can paint a picture for your guests and maybe not use the word “cash,” tell them that their contribution will help pay for the wedding, or is going toward a down payment on a house or a kitchen remodel so they can see it’s going toward your new lives together.

Q: Is it OK to get sponsors for your wedding or to ask guests to pay to attend?anna: Absolutely not oK. The one exception is if you made a private arrangement with a photographer or a vendor to use your photos or whatever for their promotional purposes.

It’s definitely not oK to put it on the invitation. If money is a concern, cut back on what you are offering. You might not have a full bar, but just champagne. I would also caution against having a cash bar. You’re essentially passing the cost onto your guests who are already paying to travel to your wedding and purchasing gifts.

Q: If someone is single, are you obligated to include ‘plus-one’ on the invitation?anna: It’s oK to say no, so long as this person is not engaged, married, life partnered or living together with a significant other. They are a package deal at that point. If someone asks for an exception, it’s best if you be consistent and say no, but end on a high note of ’I hope you understand. I hope you can come.’

Q: What do you do if someone shows up uninvited?anna: This is one of the hardest because to turn someone away at the door is very difficult. At this point they’ve put you in a very tough spot. I think the gracious thing is to make room at a table. Follow up later and say, ’I appreciate you came, but it made if very difficult for me.’

Q: How does the couple broach the question, ’Who’s going to pay for this?’anna: It’s common today to have any type of financial mix, especially when family members might be divorced. If the bride and groom know that they need help, it’s best to have these conversations early on. Try to have a loose idea of how large or small the wedding could be and have some possible locations in mind. These conversations can be had in person or over the phone. ❍

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{ t h e d r e s s }

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IIt’s been 30 years since Princess Diana donned her silk and taffeta gown and walked down the aisle to marry her prince.The marriage didn’t last, but the wedding dress did, and it’s the star of a touring exhibit titled “Diana: A Celebration.”

Now that Catherine ”Kate” Middleton has become the Dutchess of Cambridge, having wed Diana’s son William on April 29, there is little question that her Alexander McQueen dress also will become a coveted piece of history.

Although most wedding gowns won’t ever be featured in a museum exhibit, many women may want to keep their dresses to wear again for an anniversary, have made into a christening gown, hand down to a daughter or simply cherish as a memento. To do this, brides must take steps before the wedding to ensure their dress will receive the proper cleaning and preservation after the big day is over.

“It’s the last thing people think about between the flowers, the cake, the honeymoon and everything else, but you have to arrange who is going to clean your dress before the wedding,” says Donna Serino, bridal coordinator for Hallak Cleaners of Hackensack, N.J.. ”It is best to have it cleaned within two or three weeks after the wedding.“

Cleaning the dress soon after the wedding is key to preventing discoloration and fabric

damage. eighty percent of gowns have invisible stains, which cleaners find with special lights, says Sally Conant, executive director of the Association of Wedding Gown Specialists with members in the united States, Canada, Mexico and ecuador.

”A lot of times people will think they didn’t spill anything,” she says. “But a friend throws her arms around you and in her hand is a glass of wine.”

Those invisible stains are the most dangerous because over time they will oxidize and leave yellow marks on the dress, Serino says. She highly discourages anyone from trying to clean a wedding dress themselves.

“Always get it professionally cleaned because if you clean something wrong, it can ruin it,” she says.

Storing a wedding dress incorrectly also can damage the gown. Serino recommends using only an acid-free box and acid-free tissue paper or having it preserved through a professional that does the same. The Association of Wedding Gown Specialists requires all gowns to be preserved in acid-free boxes. Serino also recommends staying away from plastic, which traps moisture and odors.

Traditionally, brides who had their dress preserved professionally were instructed to keep the box closed until the dress was needed.

Today many gown specialists say it’s fine for people to open the box later, according to Conant, who has been a preservationist for 20 years.


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”It’s fun for them to see it again,” she says “And they like to reassure themselves.”

Professional cleaning and preservation does add to the total wedding expenses, costing an average of $250 to $300, Conant says.

But it is important to keep and preserve your wedding gown in case someone else wants to wear it someday, says Janet Rotella from Bayonne, N.J., who plans to wear a close friend’s dress that was preserved when she gets married this November.

Rotella also still has the wedding dresses her grandmother and her mother, who have both since passed away, wore although she is not wearing either for her wedding. Both dresses were not professionally preserved and Rotella says the aging is evident, especially on her grandmother’s dress.

“My mother’s dress is in oK shape, but my grandmother’s is not,” says Rotella, who plans to display both dresses on mannequins at her wedding reception. “But it means the world for me to have those dresses.”

For other women, wedding-dress preservation is more about having a keepsake from the day they got married than passing the dress on to future generations.

Sandra Kircher of Hillsborough, N.J., says that even if no one ever wears her dress, she will still be glad she had it preserved when she got married 17 years ago.

”I’m holding on to it for nostalgic purposes,” says Kircher, who doesn’t have a daughter to pass the dress on to. “even if I could go back in time, I would still keep it. I think it’s really important to hold on to something from that day.” ❍


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lettersCouples’ move ceremony to ‘deeper place’

BY JenniFer doBner | ASSoCIATeD PReSSTThe task assigned by the minister ahead of our May 1999 wedding seemed simple enough: a letter from each of us telling her why — out of all the possible people in the world — we had chosen to marry each other. The answer, too, seemed simple: love, of course.

“But you can’t use the word love,” the Rev. Constance Redding Sidebottom said. “That makes it too easy.”

Sidebottom, 68, a retired united Methodist minister and my aunt, always asks couples for wedding letters, and is certain they have

transformative power.

“often weddings are for show,” said Sidebottom, of Polson, Mont. “The sacredness is removed by the glitz and the money spent. But when couples are asked to write the letters, they often move to a deeper place. Their effort to be honest and genuine for one another is honored by God and made holy.”

Beyond the ban on the word “love,” Sidebottom has other rules about the letters, which she reads out loud during the ceremony. Bride and groom are forbidden from sharing their letters with each other ahead of the wedding, and Sidebottom won’t officiate without receiving them.

over her 11 years of full-time ministry, not one person has failed to write the letter, although some have cut it close, Sidebottom said. one groom delivered his to her door at 7 a.m. on

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the day he was to be married.

“every single bride and groom says they agonize over writing the letters because they understand how important they are,” Sidebottom said.

Nearly every faith tradition has a well-scripted formula for wedding ceremonies. There are specific prayers to be offered, scriptural passages to be read and vows to exchange.

But the letters bring something different.

Through their own words, the couple essentially writes their own sermon about life, love and their expectations for marriage, Sidebottom said.

They add a personal touch to a ceremony much like self-written vows, a trend that began in the 1960s as some couples moved away from religious tradition, said Diane Warner, author of the “Complete Book of Wedding Vows” (New Page Books, 2006). Warner had not heard of Sidebottom’s letters, but said that, especially in stricter faiths where customized vows are discouraged, they might be a way to satisfy both clergy and the couple.

“And for those who have children, someday those letters will be a really valuable gift,” said Warner, of Tucson, Ariz.

The letters can reveal more about a couple’s individual personalities and tell the “truth about what’s really going on” between hearts, Sidebottom said.

A carpenter she married some years ago, for example, scrawled his thoughts on a bid sheet, while his bride carefully penned hers on beautiful stationery. The contrast made the congregation giggle.

Another groom, a Naval officer, compared the bride to his favorite sandwich, peanut butter and jelly.

“He said all these things about the stickiness and the sweetness and the savory, how all the right elements for a perfect dish had just happened to show up in her,” said Sidebottom, who confesses the letter is her all-time favorite. “We couldn’t stop laughing and we couldn’t stop crying.”

The simple act of reading the letters out loud can add emotional heft to a ceremony.

CoNTINueD oN Page 46 >>> WI-5001416842

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“It’s like the Holy Spirit infuses the place and it becomes (the couple’s) wedding with God,” Sidebottom said. “everybody that is there is affected.”

She said many wedding guests have told her their own stories of transformation. Some have been inspired to begin writing anniversary letters to their spouse.

Sidebottom often hears from couples she’s married that the letters have had a lasting impact on their marriage. At a visit to a church where she once was pastor, Sidebottom was approached by a man whose wedding she performed more than 16 years ago.

“He and his wife are still married — always a relief to me — and they read their letters every anniversary, and at times in between when life

was so hard that they had to remember why they wanted to marry,” she said.

Thirteen years after my own wedding, my husband, Bill Keshlear, and I are also still married, and still writing letters. We write a new one each year and read them out loud to each other on our anniversary.

“It seems to help us re-commit somehow, through the ups and downs,” he said.

We keep our letters in a wooden box carved with X’s and o’s, on the dresser in our bedroom. The box was a gift from Sidebottom.

even now, the letters aren’t easy to write.

Some read like long book reports that chronicle the years’ events — the job loss, the death of our parents, our struggle through infertility and a failed attempt at adoption.

others are shorter, more literary and sweet. I’m not sure if that’s a function of how much time we made for writing or some sign that we had fewer hills to climb that year. I doubt it’s the latter.

Some are messily scrawled on lined, yellow notepaper (mine), others (mostly his) are neatly typed and printed from the computer. Neither of us has ever skipped writing, although Bill likes to tease me each May by saying he’s not going to do it this year.

What’s most interesting to me is how the threads from those first letters continue through each of the 24 we’ve written since.

our commitment to the idea of marriage hasn’t changed, despite our mistakes and missteps. We love each other and like each other. We respect each other, and in each other we have found a comfortable place to call home. ❍


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