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KentuckyBrideMagazine.com 159158 Kentucky Bride - Summer/Fall 2014

w e d d i n g an idea struck me: What if I can help others use the tools

and techniques I've learned as a comedian to conquer their

fears and deliver the best speeches of their lives? And on

that day, Winning Wit was born. A healthy 7 lbs, 10 oz of

LLC and tax paperwork.

Three years and countless weddings later, I've seen many

different components that make a great speech. Here are

some dos and don'ts of these components to help you and

your wedding party get started.

T H E R O A S TDO: Take a few potshots at those in the crowd with thick

skin. If Uncle Larry frequently jokes about his bad back, so

can you. If Cousin Jamie has a piñata with her ex-husband's

face on it, he's fair game. If the groom bit off more than

he could chew at the bachelor party in Las Vegas and had

to wash dishes to pay for his flight home – by all means.

Everyone loves a roast, but only if directed at those who can

take it.

DON’T: Make any jokes that mock the bride. Ever. Repeat –

NEVER make a joke at the bride’s expense. Gentle ribbing is

fine, but no jokes about the bride's dress, weight, or makeup.

Also, don’t crack about something that’s a sensitive topic for

at least one person in the room. “Hey, Aunt Stacy, we all

know those aren’t real.” Bad idea.

C H I L D H O O D S T O R I E SDO: Talk about some misadventures/anecdotes you had with

the bride/groom, but only ones that the bride and groom are

comfortable with the other, and for that matter, the whole

room, knowing about. Stories about how the bride fell off her

bike repeatedly when she was 8 or how the groom’s tuba solo

made the entire school assembly cringe are perfect.

DON’T: Never bring up an incident that your frat buddies

found hilarious, but others would find horrifying. That time

the groom passed out and you became Picasso with a magic

marker…best left within the confines of the bachelor party.

If the bride was known to go home with a different guy every

by Geoff Woliner

Wit

In the spring of 2011, I was asked to deliver the best man

speech at my friend's wedding in New York. A big, fat Greek

wedding. Despite having been a stand-up comedian for 13

years, my nerves still kicked in. There was a little voice

whispering, "This HAS to be good. They HAVE to laugh.

These are your BEST FRIENDS. If you mess this up, they'll

disown you!" So I said, "Thanks for the vote of confidence,

grandma."

Months of preparation ensued, and before I knew it, it was

show time. So rather than re-invent the wheel, I applied

what I'd learned on stage to the speech. Be funny, direct,

and brief. Always smile. Make good eye contact. Begin and

end with your best jokes.

The speech kicked off as follows: "I'll never forget meeting

Kosta on that fateful afternoon at the bowling alley in 1996.

Like a scene out of a movie, the doors to the place flew

open, and in walked a tall, confident, good-looking Greek

kid who strutted around like he owned the place. Then Kosta

walked in."

The crowd roared. I continued with the routine as if I were at

the Comedy Caravan in Louisville. At the end of the speech,

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weekend in college, it’s a safe bet she’d like to keep that

information from Grandma Molly.

S TA N D - U P R O U T I N EDO: Turn the speech into a relevant routine that comes off

as humorous storytelling, i.e., “Crazy times. But not as crazy

as the next year when we entered middle school. Jimmy was

the best player on our JV basketball team. A team that went

0-24. But he rallied the troops, and the next season, we

came roaring back with a 1-23 campaign. Good job, Jimmy.”

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DON’T: Turn the speech into your own personal comedy

showcase, talking about your own life and leaving out the

reason you’re there in the first place. “Yeah, so what’s the

deal with those peanuts they give you on the plane?” You’ll

lose your audience quickly, and rightfully so.

D R I N K I N GDO: Have one drink to settle your nerves if you’re an anxious

speaker. It’ll take the edge off

and allow you to focus. And be sure that one drink isn't a

Long Island Iced Tea.

DON’T: More than one drink is asking, nay, begging for

trouble. Even if you have an iron liver, two or more cold

ones will make you sloppy, forget your transitions, and leave

you staring blankly into the audience, completely forgetting

what comes next. And four or more drinks may incline you to

say something that’ll get you slapped by the maid of honor

before you even take the stage. Just. Say. No.

W O R K I N G T H E C R O W DDO: Focus on the friendly faces in the crowd that’ll support

you and laugh at even your worst jokes. Never turn your back

to the audience. Incorporate some self-deprecating humor if

a joke bombs. “How about that shrimp during the cocktail

hour? I’ve eaten better food at the Salvation Army shelter.”

*Crowd Groans* “Guess I shouldn’t quit my day job.” *Then

look at the bride/groom. Then look back at the crowd* “Hey,

they asked me to give this speech. Boo them!”

DON’T: If none of your jokes are working, don’t start attacking

the crowd. This works well in comedy clubs but is a disaster

at weddings. “Earth to Uncle Fred; I’m giving a speech here.

Hey, don’t mind him. I guess he’s having a staring contest

with his imaginary dog.”

S P E E C H L E N G T HDO: Make your speech funny, direct and BRIEF! Rehearse

it several times until you’ve found the magic formula that

keeps it under 5 minutes. End with your best joke and leave

them wanting more. And as they applaud, you can have

some fun at the end. "Thank you! Thank you! Stick around

for the 9:30 show and don't forget to tip your waitresses!"

DON’T: Turn the toast into your own personal filibuster.

Regardless of how good the speech may be, everyone has

a limited attention span and will start anxiously grumbling

for you to wrap it up if you go on and on and on and on.

Also, don't torture the crowd with 3 minutes of, "Ummm....

uhhh....well....umm...." while you try to come up with new

things to fill the time. You'll end up with an enemies list that

would make Nixon blush.

These dos and don'ts were derived from witnessing some

disastrous wedding speeches over the years. Here are some

actual speeches I've witnessed from a best man and maid of

honor, and what they should have said instead.

B E S T M A N S P E E C HWHAT WAS SAID: "Hey everyone. I'm Alan. But you already

knew that. Well, some of you knew that. I mean, I don't

know everyone here. But I probably should. Anyway...I first

met Victoria in Las Vegas where her and Adam met on the

rooftop of a bar. And then she went home with him. Yeah,

that happened. But we all pretty much expected it to. That's

the kind of girl she is. Ummm...so...I never really liked Eric.

Always thought he was arrogant. And I thought Victoria was

stuck up. Still do, really. But over time, I've come to learn

that people grow on you. They still haven't completely grown

on me and I know they rub a lot of people the wrong way.

They deserve each other. Who else would marry them?"

WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN SAID: "Hey everyone, I'm Alan.

Some of you have the misfortune of knowing me, and the

rest of you, well, count your blessings. I first met Victoria at

the Sky Bar in Las Vegas back in 2007, where she and Eric

locked eyes from across the room. Just like in West Side

Story, minus the gang fights and awkward dancing. OK, so

there was plenty of awkward dancing. Anyway, Adam walks

up to me, puts his arm around me and says, "Yo, Alan, see

that girl?" I said, "Who, the one with the mohawk?" He said,

"No, dummy! The one over there. The short brunette. I don't

know what it is man..but there's something about her. That

girl...she's the girl I'm gonna spend the rest of my night

with."

And on the female side of the house...

M A I D O F H O N O R S P E E C HWHAT WAS SAID: "Amber and I grew up together in Livonia.

She was always jealous that I was prettier than her." <Stares

into the crowd, awkwardly waiting for a laugh that never

comes> "We did everything together...We went to the movies,

hung out at each other's places, chased after the same guys.

They always wanted me but I talked a couple of them into

giving her a shot because I love her. Big girls need loving

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too! She's the best. And now she met Rick, who is perfect

for her in every way. He's bipolar, and she might as well be!

It's awesome that you two found each other!"

WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN SAID: "As many of you know,

Amber and I grew up together in the exciting, mesmerizing

suburb of Livonia. It was a really safe place to grow up, until

Amber got her license. Then even the cops and tow trucks

stayed off the roads. Amber has always been like a sister

to me, and now with Rick, I can have the brother I always

wanted. The brother who will kick me out of the room when

the game's on. They're perfect for each other. He's from the

Midwest, she's from the Midwest. OK, so that's pretty much

all they have in common. But she loves him, and that's good

enough for me! Just kidding, Rick. You're the best and I love

you too. But seriously, stop kicking us out when the game's

on!"

T H E I M P O R TA N C E O F T H E S P E E C HThe wedding speech is one of the most important parts of

the big day, because it's timeless and memorable. When

you're re-watching your wedding video for the 112th time,

you won't be rewinding and fast-forwarding the Viennese

table being rolled out or Uncle Jim's painfully uncoordinated

version of the Electric Slide. Well, OK, that's pretty funny

and you should re-watch it.

But it's the speeches that will stand out. Those moments

when those closest to you got a chance to speak from the

heart in front of the people you chose to share your special

day with. A bonding experience that brought you the tears,

joy and laughter you'll be reminiscing about for years.

The flowers, dress and centerpieces received meticulous

attention to detail and are perfect. (You hope!) The speeches

that will help define the happiest day of your life deserve no

less.

Geoff Woliner, named Stand-Up NY’s “Funniest Person from

Queens”, is an experienced stand-up comedian, presentation

coach and speechwriter. If your wedding party would like

a hand writing and delivering their own funny wedding

speeches, contact [email protected].

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