jonathan nolan - memento mori

8/13/2019 Jonathan Nolan - Memento Mori

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http://www.esquire.com/features/articles/2001/001323_mfr_memento_1.html

memento mori

by jonathan nolan

"what like a bullet can unecei!e"herman mel!ille

your wife always use to say you# be late for your own funeral. remember that$her little joke because you were such a slob always late% always for&ettin& stuff% e!en before the incient.

ri&ht about now you#re probably wonerin& if you were late for hers.

you were there% you can be sure of that. that#s what the picture#s for the one tacke to the wall by the oor. it#s not customary to take pictures at a funeral%but someboy% your octors% i &uess% knew you wouln#t remember. they ha it blownup nice an bi& an stuck it ri&ht there% ne't to the oor% so you couln#t helpbut see it e!ery time you &ot up to fin out where she was.

the &uy in the picture% the one with the flowers$ that#s you. an what are youoin&$ you#re reain& the heastone% tryin& to fi&ure out who#s funeral you#re at%same as you#re reain& it now% tryin& to fi&ure why someone stuck that picturene't to your oor. but why bother reain& somethin& that you won#t remember$

she#s &one% &one for &oo% an you must be hurtin& ri&ht now% hearin& the news.belie!e me% i know how you feel. you#re probably a wreck. but &i!e it fi!eminutes% maybe ten. maybe you can e!en &o a whole half hour before you for&et.

but you will for&et i &uarantee it. a few more minutes an you#ll be heain& for the oor% lookin& for her all o!er a&ain% breakin& own when you fin the picture.how many times o you ha!e to hear the news before some other part of your boy%other than that buste brain of yours% starts to remember$

ne!er(enin& &rief% ne!er(enin& an&er. useless without irection. maybe you can#tunerstan what#s happene. can#t say i really unerstan% either. backwarsamnesia. that#s what the si&n says. crs isease. your &uess is as &oo as mine.

maybe you can#t unerstan what happene to you. but you o remember what happeneto her% on#t you$ the octors on#t want to talk about it. they won#t answer myquestions. they on#t think it#s ri&ht for a man in your conition to hear aboutthose thin&s. but you remember enou&h% on#t you$ you remember his face.

this is why i#m writin& to you. futile% maybe. i on#t know how many times you#llha!e to rea this before you listen to me. i on#t e!en know how lon& you#!e beenlocke up in this room alreay. neither o you. but your a!anta&e in for&ettin&

is that you#ll for&et to write yourself off as a lost cause.

sooner or later you#ll want to o somethin& about it. an when you o% you#ll justha!e to trust me% because i#m the only one who can help you.

earl opens one eye after another to a stretch of white ceilin& tiles interrupteby a han(printe si&n tape ri&ht abo!e his hea% lar&e enou&h for him to reafrom the be. an alarm clock is rin&in& somewhere. he reas the si&n% blinks%reas it a&ain% then takes a look at the room.


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it#s a white room% o!erwhelmin&ly white% from the walls an the curtains to theinstitutional furniture an the besprea. the alarm clock is rin&in& from thewhite esk uner the winow with the white curtains. at this point earl probablynotices that he is lyin& on top of his white comforter. he is alreay wearin& aressin& &own an slippers.

he lies back an reas the si&n tape to the ceilin& a&ain. it says% in crueblock capitals% this is your room. this is a room in a hospital. this is where you

li!e now.

earl rises an takes a look aroun. the room is lar&e for a hospital empty linoleum stretches out from the be in three irections. two oors an a winow.the !iew isn#t !ery helpful% either a close of trees in the center of a carefully manicure piece of turf that terminates in a sli!er of two(lane blacktop. thetrees% e'cept for the e!er&reens% are bare early sprin& or late fall% one or the other.

e!ery inch of the esk is co!ere with post(it notes% le&al pas% neatly printelists% psycholo&ical te'tbooks% frame pictures. on top of the mess is a half(complete crosswor pu))le. the alarm clock is riin& a pile of fole newspapers.earl slaps the snoo)e button an takes a ci&arette from the pack tape to the

slee!e of his ressin& &own. he pats the empty pockets of his pajamas for a li&ht.he rifles the papers on the esk% looks quickly throu&h the rawers. e!entually hefins a bo' of kitchen matches tape to the wall ne't to the winow. another si&nis tape just abo!e the bo'. it says in lou yellow letters% ci&arette$ check forlit ones first% stupi.

earl lau&hs at the si&n% li&hts his ci&arette% an takes a lon& raw. tape to thewinow in front of him is another piece of looseleaf paper heae your scheule.

it charts off the hours% e!ery hour% in blocks: 10:00 p.m. to *:00 a.m. is labele&o back to sleep. earl consults the alarm clock: *:1+. &i!en the li&ht outsie% itmust be mornin&. he checks his watch: 10:30. he presses the watch to his ear anlistens. he &i!es the watch a win or two an sets it to match the alarm clock.

accorin& to the scheule% the entire block from *:00 to *:30 has been labelebrush your teeth. earl lau&hs a&ain an walks o!er to the bathroom.

the bathroom winow is open. as he flaps his arms to keep warm% he notices theashtray on the winowsill. a ci&arette is perche on the ashtray% burnin& steailythrou&h a lon& fin&er of ash. he frowns% e'tin&uishes the ol butt% an replacesit with the new one.

the toothbrush has alreay been treate to a smu&e of white paste. the tap is ofthe push(button !ariety a ose of water with each nu&e. earl pushes the brush into his cheek an files it back an forth while he opens the meicine cabinet.the shel!es are stocke with sin&le(ser!in& packa&es of !itamins% aspirin%

antiiuretics. the mouthwash is also sin&le(ser!in&% about a shot(&lass(worth ofblue liqui in a seale plastic bottle. only the toothpaste is re&ular(si)e. earlspits the paste out of his mouth an replaces it with the mouthwash. as he laysthe toothbrush ne't to the toothpaste% he notices a tiny we&e of paper pinchebetween the &lass shelf an the steel backin& of the meicine cabinet. he spitsthe frothy blue flui into the sink an nu&es for some more water to rinse itown. he closes the meicine cabinet an smiles at his reflection in the mirror.

"who nees half an hour to brush their teeth$"

the paper has been fole own to a minuscule si)e with all the precision of a


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si'th(&raer#s lo!e note. earl unfols it an smooths it a&ainst the mirror. itreas

if you can still rea this% then you#re a fuckin& cowar.

earl stares blankly at the paper% then reas it a&ain. he turns it o!er. on theback it reas

p.s.: after you#!e rea this% hie it a&ain.

earl reas both sies a&ain% then fols the note back own to its ori&inal si)ean tucks it unerneath the toothpaste.

maybe then he notices the scar. it be&ins just beneath the ear% ja&&e an thick%an isappears abruptly into his hairline. earl turns his hea an stares out ofthe corner of his eye to follow the scar#s pro&ress. he traces it with afin&ertip% then looks back own at the ci&arette burnin& in the ashtray. a thou&htsei)es him an he spins out of the bathroom.

he is cau&ht at the oor to his room% one han on the knob. two pictures are tapeto the wall by the oor. earl#s attention is cau&ht first by the mri% a shiny

black frame for four winows into someone#s skull. in marker% the picture islabele your brain. earl stares at it. concentric circles in ifferent colors. hecan make out the bi& orbs of his eyes an% behin these% the twin lobes of hisbrain. smooth wrinkles% circles% semicircles. but ri&ht there in the mile of hishea% circle in marker% tunnele in from the back of his neck like a ma&&ot intoan apricot% is somethin& ifferent. eforme% broken% but unmistakable. a arksmu&e% the shape of a flower% ri&ht there in the mile of his brain.

he bens to look at the other picture. it is a photo&raph of a man holin&flowers% stanin& o!er a fresh &ra!e. the man is bent o!er% reain& the heastone.for a moment this looks like a hall of mirrors or the be&innin&s of a sketch ofinfinity: the one man bent o!er% lookin& at the smaller man% bent o!er% reain&the heastone. earl looks at the picture for a lon& time. maybe he be&ins to cry.

maybe he just stares silently at the picture. e!entually% he makes his way back tothe be% flops own% seals his eyes shut% tries to sleep.

the ci&arette burns steaily away in the bathroom. a circuit in the alarm clockcounts own from ten% an it starts rin&in& a&ain.

earl opens one eye after another to a stretch of white ceilin& tiles% interrupteby a han(printe si&n tape ri&ht abo!e his hea% lar&e enou&h for him to reafrom the be.

you can#t ha!e a normal life anymore. you must know that. how can you ha!e a&irlfrien if you can#t remember her name$ can#t ha!e kis% not unless you want

them to &row up with a a who oesn#t reco&ni)e them. sure as hell can#t holown a job. not too many professions out there that !alue for&etfulness.prostitution% maybe. politics% of course.

no. your life is o!er. you#re a ea man. the only thin& the octors are hopin& too is teach you to be less of a buren to the orerlies. an they#ll probablyne!er let you &o home% where!er that woul be.

so the question is not "to be or not to be%" because you aren#t. the question iswhether you want to o somethin& about it. whether re!en&e matters to you.


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it oes to most people. for a few weeks% they plot% they scheme% they takemeasures to &et e!en. but the passa&e of time is all it takes to eroe thatinitial impulse. time is theft% isn#t that what they say$ an time e!entuallycon!inces most of us that for&i!eness is a !irtue. con!eniently% cowarice anfor&i!eness look ientical at a certain istance. time steals your ner!e.

if time an fear aren#t enou&h to issuae people from their re!en&e% then there#salways authority% softly shakin& its hea an sayin&% we unerstan% but you#re

the better man for lettin& it &o. for risin& abo!e it. for not sinkin& to theirle!el. an besies% says authority% if you try anythin& stupi% we#ll lock you upin a little room.

but they alreay put you in a little room% in#t they$ only they on#t reallylock it or e!en &uar it too carefully because you#re a cripple. a corpse. a!e&etable who probably wouln#t remember to eat or take a shit if someone wasn#tthere to remin you.

an as for the passa&e of time% well% that oesn#t really apply to you anymore%oes it$ just the same ten minutes% o!er an o!er a&ain. so how can you for&i!e ifyou can#t remember to for&et$

you probably were the type to let it &o% weren#t you$ before. but you#re not theman you use to be. not e!en half. you#re a fraction, you#re the ten(minute man.

of course% weakness is stron&. it#s the primary impulse. you# probably prefer tosit in your little room an cry. li!e in your finite collection of memories%carefully polishin& each one. half a life set behin &lass an pinne to carboarlike a collection of e'otic insects. you# like to li!e behin that &lass%wouln#t you$ preser!e in aspic.

you# like to but you can#t% can you$ you can#t because of the last aition toyour collection. the last thin& you remember. his face. his face an your wife%lookin& to you for help.

an maybe this is where you can retire to when it#s o!er. your little collection.they can lock you back up in another little room an you can li!e the rest of yourlife in the past. but only if you#!e &ot a little piece of paper in your han thatsays you &ot him.

you know i#m ri&ht. you know there#s a lot of work to o. it may seem impossible%but i#m sure if we all o our part% we#ll fi&ure somethin& out. but you on#t ha!emuch time. you#!e only &ot about ten minutes% in fact. then it starts all o!era&ain. so o somethin& with the time you#!e &ot.

earl opens his eyes an blinks into the arkness. the alarm clock is rin&in&. itsays 3:20% an the moonli&ht streamin& throu&h the winow means it must be the

early mornin&. earl fumbles for the lamp% almost knockin& it o!er in the process.incanescent li&ht fills the room% paintin& the metal furniture yellow% the wallsyellow% the besprea% too. he lies back an looks up at the stretch of yellowceilin& tiles abo!e him% interrupte by a hanwritten si&n tape to the ceilin&.he reas the si&n two% maybe three times% then blinks at the room aroun him.

it is a bare room. institutional% maybe. there is a esk o!er by the winow. theesk is bare e'cept for the blarin& alarm clock. earl probably notices% at thispoint% that he is fully clothe. he e!en has his shoes on uner the sheets. hee'tracts himself from the be an crosses to the esk. nothin& in the room woulsu&&est that anyone li!e there% or e!er ha% e'cept for the o scrap of tape


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stuck here an there to the wall. no pictures% no books% nothin&. throu&h thewinow% he can see a full moon shinin& on carefully manicure &rass.

earl slaps the snoo)e button on the alarm clock an stares a moment at the twokeys tape to the back of his han. he picks at the tape while he searches throu&hthe empty rawers. in the left pocket of his jacket% he fins a roll of hunre(ollar bills an a letter seale in an en!elope. he checks the rest of the mainroom an the bathroom. bits of tape% ci&arette butts. nothin& else.

earl absentminely plays with the lump of scar tissue on his neck an mo!es backtowar the be. he lies back own an stares up at the ceilin& an the si&n tapeto it. the si&n reas% &et up% &et out ri&ht now. these people are tryin& to killyou.

earl closes his eyes.

they trie to teach you to make lists in &rae school% remember$ back when youray planner was the back of your han. an if your assi&nments came off in theshower% well% then they in#t &et one. no irection% they sai. no iscipline.so they trie to &et you to write it all own somewhere more permanent.

of course% your &rae(school teachers woul be lau&hin& their pants wet if theycoul see you now. because you#!e become the e'act prouct of their or&ani)ationallessons. because you can#t e!en take a piss without consultin& one of your lists.

they were ri&ht. lists are the only way out of this mess.

here#s the truth: people% e!en re&ular people% are ne!er just any one person withone set of attributes. it#s not that simple. we#re all at the mercy of the limbicsystem% clous of electricity riftin& throu&h the brain. e!ery man is broken intotwenty(four(hour fractions% an then a&ain within those twenty(four hours. it#s aaily pantomime% one man yielin& control to the ne't: a backsta&e crowe withol hacks clamorin& for their turn in the spotli&ht. e!ery week% e!ery ay. thean&ry man hans the baton o!er to the sulkin& man% an in turn to the se' aict%

the intro!ert% the con!ersationalist. e!ery man is a mob% a chain &an& of iiots.

this is the tra&ey of life. because for a few minutes of e!ery ay% e!ery manbecomes a &enius. moments of clarity% insi&ht% whate!er you want to call them. theclous part% the planets &et in a neat little line% an e!erythin& becomesob!ious. i shoul quit smokin&% maybe% or here#s how i coul make a fast million%or such an such is the key to eternal happiness. that#s the miserable truth. fora few moments% the secrets of the uni!erse are opene to us. life is a cheapparlor trick.

but then the &enius% the sa!ant% has to han o!er the controls to the ne't &uyown the pike% most likely the &uy who just wants to eat potato chips% an insi&htan brilliance an sal!ation are all entruste to a moron or a heonist or a

narcoleptic.

the only way out of this mess% of course% is to take steps to ensure that youcontrol the iiots that you become. to take your chain &an&% han in han% anlea them. the best way to o this is with a list.

it#s like a letter you write to yourself. a master plan% rafte by the &uy whocan see the li&ht% mae with steps simple enou&h for the rest of the iiots tounerstan. follow steps one throu&h one hunre. repeat as necessary.

your problem is a little more acute% maybe% but funamentally the same thin&.


6/10

it#s like that computer thin&% the chinese room. you remember that$ one &uy sitsin a little room% layin& own cars with letters written on them in a lan&ua&e heoesn#t unerstan% layin& them own one letter at a time in a sequence accorin&to someone else#s instructions. the cars are suppose to spell out a joke inchinese. the &uy oesn#t speak chinese% of course. he just follows hisinstructions.

there are some ob!ious ifferences in your situation% of course: you broke out ofthe room they ha you in% so the whole enterprise has to be portable. an the &uy&i!in& the instructions that#s you% too% just an earlier !ersion of you. an the joke you#re tellin&% well% it#s &ot a punch line. i just on#t think anyone#s&oin& to fin it !ery funny.

so that#s the iea. all you ha!e to o is follow your instructions. like climbin&a laer or escenin& a staircase. one step at a time. ri&ht own the list.simple.

an the secret% of course% to any list is to keep it in a place where you#re bounto see it.

he can hear the bu))in& throu&h his eyelis. insistent. he reaches out for thealarm clock% but he can#t mo!e his arm.

earl opens his eyes to see a lar&e man bent ouble o!er him. the man looks up athim% annoye% then resumes his work. earl looks aroun him. too ark for aoctor#s office.

then the pain floos his brain% blockin& out the other questions. he squirmsa&ain% tryin& to yank his forearm away% the one that feels like it#s burnin&. thearm oesn#t mo!e% but the man shoots him another scowl. earl ajusts himself inthe chair to see o!er the top of the man#s hea.

the noise an the pain are both comin& from a &un in the man#s han a &un with a

neele where the barrel shoul be. the neele is i&&in& into the fleshy unersieof earl#s forearm% lea!in& a trail of puffy letters behin it.

earl tries to rearran&e himself to &et a better !iew% to rea the letters on hisarm% but he can#t. he lies back an stares at the ceilin&.

e!entually the tattoo artist turns off the noise% wipes earl#s forearm with apiece of &au)e% an waners o!er to the back to i& up a pamphlet escribin& howto eal with a possible infection. maybe later he#ll tell his wife about this &uyan his little note. maybe his wife will con!ince him to call the police.

earl looks own at the arm. the letters are risin& up from the skin% weepin& alittle. they run from just behin the strap of earl#s watch all the way to the

insie of his elbow. earl blinks at the messa&e an reas it a&ain. it says% incareful little capitals% i rape an kille your wife.

it#s your birthay toay% so i &ot you a little present. i woul ha!e just bou&htyou a beer% but who knows where that woul ha!e ene$

so instea% i &ot you a bell. i think i may ha!e ha to pawn your watch to buy it%but what the hell i you nee a watch for% anyway$

you#re probably askin& yourself% why a bell$ in fact% i#m &uessin& you#re &oin& to


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be askin& yourself that question e!ery time you fin it in your pocket. too manyof these letters now. too many for you to i& back into e!ery time you want toknow the answer to some little question.

it#s a joke% actually. a practical joke. but think of it this way: i#m not reallylau&hin& at you so much as with you.

i# like to think that e!ery time you take it out of your pocket an woner% why

o i ha!e this bell$ a little part of you% a little piece of your broken brain%will remember an lau&h% like i#m lau&hin& now.

besies% you o know the answer. it was somethin& you learne before. so if youthink about it% you#ll know.

back in the ol ays% people were obsesse with the fear of bein& burie ali!e.you remember now$ meical science not bein& quite what it is toay% it wasn#tuncommon for people to suenly wake up in a casket. so rich folks ha theircoffins outfitte with breathin& tubes. little tubes runnin& up to the mu abo!eso that if someone woke up when they weren#t suppose to% they wouln#t run out ofo'y&en. now% they must ha!e teste this out an reali)e that you coul shoutyourself hoarse throu&h the tube% but it was too narrow to carry much noise. not

enou&h to attract attention% at least. so a strin& was run up the tube to a littlebell attache to the heastone. if a ea person came back to life% all he ha too was rin& his little bell till someone came an u& him up a&ain.

i#m lau&hin& now% picturin& you on a bus or maybe in a fast(foo restaurant%reachin& into your pocket an finin& your little bell an wonerin& to yourselfwhere it came from% why you ha!e it. maybe you#ll e!en rin& it.

happy birthay% buy.

i on#t know who fi&ure out the solution to our mutual problem% so i on#t knowwhether to con&ratulate you or me. a bit of a lifestyle chan&e% amittely% but anele&ant solution% nonetheless.

look to yourself for the answer.

that souns like somethin& out of a hallmark car. i on#t know when you thou&htit up% but my hat#s off to you. not that you know what the hell i#m talkin& about.but% honestly% a real brainstorm. after all% e!eryboy else nees mirrors toremin themsel!es who they are. you#re no ifferent.

the little mechanical !oice pauses% then repeats itself. it says% "the time is*:00 a.m. this is a courtesy call." earl opens his eyes an replaces the recei!er.the phone is perche on a cheap !eneer heaboar that stretches behin the be%cur!es to meet the corner% an ens at the minibar. the t! is still on% blobs of

flesh color natterin& away at each other. earl lies back own an is surprise tosee himself% oler now% tanne% the hair pullin& away from his hea like solarflares. the mirror on the ceilin& is cracke% the sil!er fain& in creases. earlcontinues to stare at himself% astonishe by what he sees. he is fully resse%but the clothes are ol% threabare in places.

earl feels the familiar spot on his left wrist for his watch% but it#s &one. helooks own from the mirror to his arm. it is bare an the skin has chan&e to ane!en tan% as if he ne!er owne a watch in the first place. the skin is e!en incolor e'cept for the soli black arrow on the insie of earl#s wrist% pointin& uphis shirtslee!e. he stares at the arrow for a moment. perhaps he oesn#t try to


8/10

rub it off anymore. he rolls up his slee!e.

the arrow points to a sentence tattooe alon& earl#s inner arm. earl reas thesentence once% maybe twice. another arrow picks up at the be&innin& of thesentence% points farther up earl#s arm% isappearin& uner the rolle(upshirtslee!e. he unbuttons his shirt.

lookin& own on his chest% he can make out the shapes but cannot brin& them into

focus% so he looks up at the mirror abo!e him.

the arrow leas up earl#s arm% crosses at the shouler% an escens onto hisupper torso% terminatin& at a picture of a man#s face that occupies most of hischest. the face is that of a lar&e man% balin&% with a mustache an a &oatee. itis a particular face% but like a police sketch it has a certain unreal quality.

the rest of his upper torso is co!ere in wors% phrases% bits of information% aninstructions% all of them written backwar on earl% forwar in the mirror.

e!entually earl sits up% buttons his shirt% an crosses to the esk. he takes outa pen an a piece of notepaper from the esk rawer% sits% an be&ins to write.

i on#t know where you#ll be when you rea this. i#m not e!en sure if you#llbother to rea this. i &uess you on#t nee to.

it#s a shame% really% that you an i will ne!er meet. but% like the son& says% "bythe time you rea this note% i#ll be &one."

we#re so close now. that#s the way it feels. so many pieces put to&ether% spelleout. i &uess it#s just a matter of time until you fin him.

who knows what we#!e one to &et here$ must be a hell of a story% if only youcoul remember any of it. i &uess it#s better that you can#t.

i ha a thou&ht just now. maybe you#ll fin it useful.

e!eryboy is waitin& for the en to come% but what if it alreay passe us by$what if the final joke of ju&ment ay was that it ha alreay come an &one anwe were none the wiser$ apocalypse arri!es quietly, the chosen are here off tohea!en% an the rest of us% the ones who faile the test% just keep on &oin&%obli!ious. ea alreay% wanerin& aroun lon& after the &os ha!e stoppe keepin&score% still optimistic about the future.

i &uess if that#s true% then it oesn#t matter what you o. no e'pectations. ifyou can#t fin him% then it oesn#t matter% because nothin& matters. an if you ofin him% then you can kill him without worryin& about the consequences. becausethere are no consequences.

that#s what i#m thinkin& about ri&ht now% in this scrappy little room. framepictures of ships on the wall. i on#t know% ob!iously% but if i ha to &uess% i#say we#re somewhere up the coast. if you#re wonerin& why your left arm is fi!eshaes browner than your ri&ht% i on#t know what to tell you. i &uess we mustha!e been ri!in& for a while. an% no% i on#t know what happene to your watch.

an all these keys: i ha!e no iea. not a one that i reco&ni)e. car keys an housekeys an the little fily keys for palocks. what ha!e we been up to$

i woner if he#ll feel stupi when you fin him. tracke own by the ten(minuteman. assassinate by a !e&etable.


9/10

i#ll be &one in a moment. i#ll put own the pen% close my eyes% an then you canrea this throu&h if you want.

i just wante you to know that i#m prou of you. no one who matters is left to sayit. no one left is &oin& to want to.

earl#s eyes are wie open% starin& throu&h the winow of the car. smilin& eyes.smilin& throu&h the winow at the crow &atherin& across the street. the crow&atherin& aroun the boy in the oorway. the boy emptyin& slowly across thesiewalk an into the storm rain.

a stocky &uy% faceown% eyes open. balin& hea% &oatee. in eath% as in policesketches% faces ten to look the same. this is efinitely someboy in particular.but really% it coul be anyboy.

earl is still smilin& at the boy as the car pulls away from the curb. the car$who#s to say$ maybe it#s a police cruiser. maybe it#s just a ta'i.

as the car is swallowe into traffic% earl#s eyes continue to shine out into the

ni&ht% watchin& the boy until it isappears into a circle of concernepeestrians. he chuckles to himself as the car continues to make istance betweenhim an the &rowin& crow.

earl#s smile faes a little. somethin& has occurre to him. he be&ins to pat ownhis pockets, leisurely at first% like a man lookin& for his keys% then a littlemore esperately. maybe his pro&ress is impee by a set of hancuffs. he be&insto empty the contents of his pockets out onto the seat ne't to him. some money. abunch of keys. scraps of paper.

a roun metal lump rolls out of his pocket an slies across the !inyl seat. earlis frantic now. he hammers at the plastic i!ier between him an the ri!er%be&&in& the man for a pen. perhaps the cabbie oesn#t speak much en&lish. perhaps

the cop isn#t in the habit of talkin& to suspects. either way% the i!ier betweenthe man in front an the man behin remains close. a pen is not forthcomin&.

the car hits a pothole% an earl blinks at his reflection in the rear!iew mirror.he is calm now. the ri!er makes another corner% an the metal lump slies backo!er to rest a&ainst earl#s le& with a little jin&le. he picks it up an looks atit% curious now. it is a little bell. a little metal bell. inscribe on it are hisname an a set of ates. he reco&ni)es the first one: the year in which he wasborn. but the secon ate means nothin& to him. nothin& at all.

as he turns the bell o!er in his hans% he notices the empty space on his wristwhere his watch use to sit. there is a little arrow there% pointin& up his arm.earl looks at the arrow% then be&ins to roll up his slee!e.

"you# be late for your own funeral%" she# say. remember$ the more i think aboutit% the more trite that seems. what kin of iiot% after all% is in any kin ofrush to &et to the en of his own story$

an how woul i know if i were late% anyway$ i on#t ha!e a watch anymore. i on#tknow what we i with it.

what the hell o you nee a watch for% anyway$ it was an antique. eawei&httu&&in& at your wrist. symbol of the ol you. the you that belie!e in time.


10/10

no. scratch that. it#s not so much that you#!e lost your faith in time as thattime has lost its faith in you. an who nees it% anyway$ who wants to be one ofthose saps li!in& in the safety of the future% in the safety of the moment afterthe moment in which they felt somethin& powerful$ li!in& in the ne't moment% inwhich they feel nothin&. crawlin& own the hans of the clock% away from thepeople who i unspeakable thin&s to them. belie!in& the lie that time will healall wouns which is just a nice way of sayin& that time eaens us.

but you#re ifferent. you#re more perfect. time is three thin&s for most people%but for you% for us% just one. a sin&ularity. one moment. this moment. like you#rethe center of the clock% the a'is on which the hans turn. time mo!es about youbut ne!er mo!es you. it has lost its ability to affect you. what is it they say$that time is theft$ but not for you. close your eyes an you can start all o!era&ain. conjure up that necessary emotion% fresh as roses.

time is an absurity. an abstraction. the only thin& that matters is this moment.this moment a million times o!er. you ha!e to trust me. if this moment is repeateenou&h% if you keep tryin& an you ha!e to keep tryin& e!entually you will come across the ne't item on your list.

jonathan nolan - memento mori

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