intimacy and grief
TRANSCRIPT
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outlinewed06 OCT
QUIZ NO.20
Intimacy
Grief and Loss
Meaning
Elements: True Intimacy
Intimacy Fears
Definitions
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THE MEANING OF
INTIMACY
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CAPACITY To commit to particular peoplein relationships that last over time
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To meet the accompanying demands for change
in ways that do not compromise personal integrity
CAPACITY
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born between two peoplewho open themselves up,make themselves vulnerable,
and allow and invite each other tosee into their deepest selves.
INTIMACY
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ELEMENTS OF
INTIMACY
TRUE
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An abundant inner sourceof self-nurturance
ONE
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Trust in ourselves to receiveloyalty and betrayal
TWO
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Ability to give and receive
THREE
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Respect for ground rulesregarding lifestyles, responsibilities,
sex, and differing time/space needs
FOUR
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Encouraging, fearless, and pleased acceptance
of the otherʼs unique needs, differences,
development, and path
FIVE
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Engaged focus on the other
SIX
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Commitment to maintain the relationship
during periods when oneʼs needs
are not being met
SEVEN
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Ability to tolerate love and angerat the same time
EIGHT
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Ability to pass throughthe normal phases of relationships
NINE
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Commitment to an essential bondthat weathers the stresses
and crises of change
TEN
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FEARS that arisein Intimate Relationships
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MAJOR FEARSTWO
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Fear of being abandoned
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Fear of being abandoned
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Fear of being engulfed
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Fear of being engulfed
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These are normal fears.
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Capacity to commit ourselveswithout being immobilized by fears
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Fear of Abandonment= Fear of Independence
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Has trouble letting go when the other needs space
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Has trouble letting go when the other needs spaceSeeks maximum contact (clings)
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Has trouble letting go when the other needs spaceSeeks maximum contact (clings)
Is enmeshed or obsessive about the otherʼs story
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Has trouble letting go when the other needs spaceSeeks maximum contact (clings)
Is enmeshed or obsessive about the otherʼs story
Is “taking care” of the other and not of oneself
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Has trouble letting go when the other needs spaceSeeks maximum contact (clings)
Is enmeshed or obsessive about the otherʼs story
Is “taking care” of the other and not of oneselfAlways wants to give more (sense of never giving enough)
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Has trouble letting go when the other needs spaceSeeks maximum contact (clings)
Is enmeshed or obsessive about the otherʼs story
Is “taking care” of the other and not of oneselfAlways wants to give more (sense of never giving enough)
Goes along with otherʼs ideas, plans, or timing
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Has trouble letting go when the other needs spaceSeeks maximum contact (clings)
Is enmeshed or obsessive about the otherʼs story
Is “taking care” of the other and not of oneselfAlways wants to give more (sense of never giving enough)
Goes along with otherʼs ideas, plans, or timing
Has no personal boundaries or bottom line for abuse
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Has trouble letting go when the other needs spaceSeeks maximum contact (clings)
Is enmeshed or obsessive about the otherʼs story
Is “taking care” of the other and not of oneselfAlways wants to give more (sense of never giving enough)
Goes along with otherʼs ideas, plans, or timing
Has no personal boundaries or bottom line for abuseCopes with any conduct
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Is addicted to the other
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Is addicted to the otherNeeds constant reassurance that the other will stay
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Is addicted to the otherNeeds constant reassurance that the other will stay
Fears aloneness
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Is addicted to the otherNeeds constant reassurance that the other will stay
Fears aloneness
Rationalizes (makes excuses that enable coping)
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Is addicted to the otherNeeds constant reassurance that the other will stay
Fears aloneness
Rationalizes (makes excuses that enable coping)Protects the other from the impact of oneʼs own feelings
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Is addicted to the otherNeeds constant reassurance that the other will stay
Fears aloneness
Rationalizes (makes excuses that enable coping)Protects the other from the impact of oneʼs own feelings
Shows fear, represses anger
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Is addicted to the otherNeeds constant reassurance that the other will stay
Fears aloneness
Rationalizes (makes excuses that enable coping)Protects the other from the impact of oneʼs own feelings
Shows fear, represses anger
Distress is caused by “comings/goings”
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Is addicted to the otherNeeds constant reassurance that the other will stay
Fears aloneness
Rationalizes (makes excuses that enable coping)Protects the other from the impact of oneʼs own feelings
Shows fear, represses anger
Distress is caused by “comings/goings”Manifests clinging, closeness, and reaching out
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Fear ofEngulfment= Fear ofDependency
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Has trouble making a commitmentSeeks more space (distances)
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Has trouble making a commitmentSeeks more space (distances)
Takes the other for granted or is indifferent
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Has trouble making a commitmentSeeks more space (distances)
Takes the other for granted or is indifferent
Feels entitled to need fulfillment by the other
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Has trouble making a commitmentSeeks more space (distances)
Takes the other for granted or is indifferent
Feels entitled to need fulfillment by the otherConstrues giving as obligating, or receiving as smothering
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Has trouble making a commitmentSeeks more space (distances)
Takes the other for granted or is indifferent
Feels entitled to need fulfillment by the otherConstrues giving as obligating, or receiving as smothering
Needs to be in control, to make decisions, or to be right
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Has trouble making a commitmentSeeks more space (distances)
Takes the other for granted or is indifferent
Feels entitled to need fulfillment by the otherConstrues giving as obligating, or receiving as smothering
Needs to be in control, to make decisions, or to be right
Has no tolerance of disloyalty or inadequacy
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Has trouble making a commitment
Seeks more space (distances)
Takes the other for granted or is indifferent
Feels entitled to need fulfillment by the otherConstrues giving as obligating, or receiving as smothering
Needs to be in control, to make decisions, or to be right
Has no tolerance of disloyalty or inadequacyHas rigid boundaries with no tolerance of error
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Seduces the other and then withholds
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Seduces the other and then withholds
Needs the other to “stay put while I come and go at will”
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Seduces the other and then withholds
Needs the other to “stay put while I come and go at will”
Becomes anxious with extended togetherness
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Seduces the other and then withholds
Needs the other to “stay put while I come and go at will”
Becomes anxious with extended togetherness
Intellectualizes (thinks or explains away feelings)
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Seduces the other and then withholds
Needs the other to “stay put while I come and go at will”
Becomes anxious with extended togetherness
Intellectualizes (thinks or explains away feelings)Avoids or minimizes oneʼs own and the other̓s feelings)
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Seduces the other and then withholds
Needs the other to “stay put while I come and go at will”
Becomes anxious with extended togetherness
Intellectualizes (thinks or explains away feelings)Avoids or minimizes oneʼs own and the other̓s feelings)
Shows anger, represses fear
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Seduces the other and then withholds
Needs the other to “stay put while I come and go at will”
Becomes anxious with extended togetherness
Intellectualizes (thinks or explains away feelings)Avoids or minimizes oneʼs own and the other̓s feelings)
Shows anger, represses fear
Distress in giving/receiving
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Seduces the other and then withholds
Needs the other to “stay put while I come and go at will”
Becomes anxious with extended togetherness
Intellectualizes (thinks or explains away feelings)
Avoids or minimizes oneʼs own and the other̓s feelings)
Shows anger, represses fear
Distress in giving/receivingManifests coldness, rigidity, and distance
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Working with
Abandonmentand Engulfment Fears
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Willingness to act
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Notice which behavior of yoursleads to problems for you or your partner.
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Tell your partner about them.
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Admit to the
unconscious choice elementin your relationship.
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If you fear abandonment,
let your partner goone more inch away each day
and notice that you survive it.
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If you fear engulfment,
let your partnerget one inch closer every day
and notice how you can stand it.
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Deal with the fear of losing yourself
paradoxically by freely giving yourself.
Make a self-disclosure.
Admit a vulnerability.
Show a feeling.
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Deal with the fear of abandonmentby setting aside time for yourself daily.
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releases us from the grip of fear.CHOICE
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Carl Jung
in deliberately jumping.“”
If there is fear of falling,the only safety consists
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Definitions
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LOSS
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disappearance of something cherishedfailure to keep or get something valued
LOSS
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intense emotional pain in response to loss
GRIEF
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Checkpoints of Lossin a Relationship
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CERTITUDE THE RELATIONSHIP WILL WORK
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CERTITUDE THE RELATIONSHIP WILL WORK
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ends and leads to
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ends and leads to
HOPE IT CAN WORK
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ends and leads to
ends and takes action in
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ends and leads to
ends and takes action in
STRUGGLE TO MAKE IT WORK
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ends and leads to
ends and takes action in
ends and leads to
REALIZATION THAT IT WILL NOT WORK
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for appropriate griefNEED
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True grief does not begin
in the actual break-up.It begins when the “romance” ends.
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Grief that is unnoticed,
unprocessed, and unnamedcontributes to the breakdown of relationships.
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Mutually working through grief builds intimacy.
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The ability to allow
ongoing grief and ongoing love to coexistmay break the downward spiral of failure.
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The worse the relationship,the longer is the mourning required.
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WHAT TO EXPECTIN A TIME OF LOSS
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SELF NURTURANCE and SELF PROTECTIONprovide the best conditions for processing the loss
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Impulsive decisions
during this timeare dangerous.
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Separation
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Grief Work
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Elisabeth Kübler-RossOn Death and Dying
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D A B D A
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Denial
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Anger
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Bargaining
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Depression
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bridges the abyss of loss.GRIEF WORK
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Allow every feeling and thought
to pass through you.
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What̓s normal:
obsessive or suicidal thoughtsrepeating your story
But...
Do not acton the feelings or the thoughts.
Express but contain.
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What̓s normal:
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What̓s normal:
feel love foranger toward
fear of
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What̓s normal:
feel love foranger toward
fear offormer partner
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What̓s normal:
feel love foranger toward
fear offormer partner
But...
Be wary of contact
with your former partnertoo soon after separation
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The bond remainsbut the transactions
are ended.