interpersonal transformation (part ii): attachment vs. relatednesss
DESCRIPTION
My perspective on interpersonal transformation involves the capacity to recognize how we are coercing our romantic partner, or being coerced by our partner, to perpetuate an unresolved early developmental trauma in our adult life. It is not uncommon for these coercive patterns to play out not only in romantic relationships, but also in our work lives, family lives, even with friends. The main idea I have been discussing in recent group sessions is our need to quickly recognize when we are being drawn into these insidious psychological and emotional provocations so that we can avoid them or act to change them. However, a major concept I have not yet described is the utility of identifying and understanding how our own unique attachment patterns increase our tendency to get drawn into negative relationship dynamics. By the term “attachment” I am referring to innate, unconscious, and highly rigid feelings, emotions, and assumptions about bonding with another that we inherited from childhood. What is problematic is that many people never make a highly significant psychological transition in their adult lives: abandoning these old attachment tendencies for a more mature, healthy, and well-boundaried style of adult relatedness. In this presentation, I describe how relatedness is achieved, what it consists of, and how it can prompt and maintain successful romantic relationships as well as a deeply sensual and erotic connection with our partner.TRANSCRIPT
Interpersonal Transformation (Part II):Attachment vs. Relatedness
February 15, 2014
James Tobin, Ph.D.Licensed Psychologist, PSY 22074220 Newport Center Drive, Suite 1Newport Beach, CA 92660949-338-4388www.jamestobinphd.com
Attachment
Attachment
• The child has a basic need to survive. • Survival depends on the getting from the mother. • This creates a very early scenario of the child “attaching” to the mother, i.e., becoming reliant and dependent on the mother.
Attachment consists of three components:
• Accommodation • Suppression • Hypervigilance
Accommodation
The child learns to relinquish his or her own needs and impulses (adjusts so as to bond with mother) rather than expecting or demanding the mother adjust in order to bond with the child.
Suppression • The child gradually begins to suppress or limit his or her own feeling states and preferences, for FEAR that their expression will damage the child’s efforts to accommodate.
• Early in development, the child’s mind assumes that TO BE ONE’S TRUE SELF will negatively impact the other and lead to retribution.
Hypervigilance
Depending on the mother’s temperament, reactivity, and capacity to tolerate the child, the child may become overly aware of and sensitive to the non-verbal and verbal expressions of the mother’s emotional state.
Hypervigilance
If the mother’s emotional states tend to be significantly extreme (either positive or negative), the child becomes hypervigilant of the mother rather than vigilant of the child’s internal states.
The nature of the bond between mother and child evolves into a dance in which accommodation, suppression, and hypervigilance are negotiated.
The dance is repeated again and again, and becomes rigidified in the child’s personality.
An attachment style forms and becomes the foundation of personality .... there are many different types of attachment styles, but research indicates these styles remain relatively stable across the lifespan.
There are two basic trends in attachment styles; these trends are core assumptions about interpersonal relatedness.
(A) One trend is that it is safe for one’s self to be experienced and expressed, even in the face of the other’s disappointment or disapproval.
(B) The other trend is that the above is NOT safe, and that one’s feelings and desires are dangerous and damaging – given this, they must be concealed and a fake self must be generated.
To the extent that (B) occurs, the child’s “going on being” has been interrupted.
The child has been emotionally manipulated and INDUCED to feel and behave in a restricted way so as to appease the other.
Whatever is restricted in one’s identity does not “die” psychologically, but remains sequestered in the mind through a process known as dissociation.
Psychic Dissociation
Self-identity becomes split into “Me” and “Not-Me” parts, and this split is organized by the third year of life.
The “Not-Me” part is not really NOT ME, but is actually the ME that cannot be ME in the world.
The “Me” part is, paradoxically, fake or false, but is given priority because it is necessary for the formation and maintenance of relationships.
It can be argued that adult life revolves around one major psychological achievement:
Can the “Not-Me” be identified and, once identified, can it overcome what is assumed to be “Me” -- thus allowing one’s self-identity to be re-organized and more authentic?
As you might imagine, this is not the goal for many people .... the reason why is that Me vs. Not-Me corrections and realignments are too painful and challenging.
What I mean by this is that many of us unconsciously choose to remain in an ATTACHMENT LIFESTYLE.
An attachment lifestyle simply means that we continue with our attachment style (formed in early life) and impose it on all situations in our lives.
Lying
Example: “That office is not me!”
Example: “The Bachelorette”
These are examples of RELATEDNESS, not ATTACHMENT.
I view relatedness to be the most significant psychological achievement of adult life .... it basically involves the capacity to give up one’s attachment style (accommodation, suppression, and hypervigilance) --- allowing for the sequestered parts of one’s identity (the Not-Me) to be reclaimed!
Components of Relatedness:
• Recognize how you have been and are induced by others, and the assumptions inherent in these inductions (if you were made to feel guilty, too demanding, selfish, etc.).
• Recognized how you are manipulated and used by others.
Components of Relatedness:
• Be willing to give up your reliance on others’ approval and confirmation (“the capacity to be alone”).
• Be willing to un-learn who you think you are (the Not-Me).
• Identify and understand (perhaps for the first time) what your needs are and be willing to request them FROM OTHERS.
Relatedness is incredibly difficult to achieve, particularly if our early attachment patterns compromised the basic elements of our “going on being.”
If you are attachment-dominant, this will be quickly recognized by others (directly or via your aura) and you will be used by them, for their own advantage, at the expense of your own needs.
If you are highly related, this will also be recognized and you will be less prone to being manipulated – YET, ALSO, who you really are will be encouraged/expected.
Some believe that human relations primarily consist of “false selves” clicking into situations that allow them to remain false.
This tendency (to click into place) is often seen in the therapeutic situation .... the patient vies for attachment as the therapist attempts to socialize the patient into relatedness.
Romantic relationships involve the same tension .... Person A seeks out a Person B to attach to, with a well-honed attachment style ready to use. Person B obliges. In so doing, Person B perpetuates the lost parts of Person A’s true identity remaining hidden and inactivated.
You could blame Person B, but if you think about it Person A is perhaps more to blame – Person A has “used” (induced/manipulated) Person B to help Person A remain UNKNOWN.
It takes an extraordinary Person B to not allow this to happen, thus coaxing the lost parts of Person A into existence.
Relatedness (instead of Attachment) inspires separation, boundary, erotic tension, and intimacy.
James Tobin, Ph.D.Licensed Psychologist PSY 22074220 Newport Center Drive, Suite 1Newport Beach, CA 92660949-338-4388
Email: [email protected] Website: www.jamestobinphd.com