Improving Emotional Intelligence

Aristotle• There are many ways to demonstrate anger,

and anyone can become angry – that is easy, • but to be angry with the right person, • and to the right degree • and at the right time, • and for the right purpose, • and in the right way • that is not within everyone’s power and that is

not easy." Aristotle, 384 BC – 322 BC

What is Emotional Intelligence

• Understanding your emotions • and the emotions of others• and responding to those emotions in a

healthy way

The Bible and Emotional IntelligenceNeil Nedley, M.D.

Emotional Intelligence• Likely contributes

more to successful and enjoyable living than I.Q.

• Since emotional intelligence is learned, rather than inherited, it can be improved.

5 Components of E.Q.1. Knowing our emotions

– Self awareness

2. Managing our emotions – Self control

3. Recognizing emotions in others– Empathy

4. Managing relationships with others– Social Intelligence

5. Motivating ourselves to achieve our goals– Motivation

Increasing E.Q. Can Effectively Prevent or Treat

• Depression.• Phobias.• Obsessive-compulsive disorder.• Post-traumatic stress disorder.• Anorexia.• Bulimia.• Addictions such as alcoholism

Increased E.Q. also helps “normal people”

• Think clearer• Communicate more effectively• Fosters unity in group settings• Reduces polarizing statements• Promotes happier life• All of this is accomplished without

compromise or sacrificing the truth

Influences on E.Q.

• Genetic Makeup• Childhood Experiences• Current emotional support• Physical Conditions

• Such as lack of sleep, poor nutrition, illness• For many, these factors are of less significance

when compared to the next slide

The Major Influence on E.Q.

• Our emotions are largely controlled by our beliefs,

• our evaluations of events, • the way we think about problems, • and our silent self-talk.

• Your feelings result from the messages you give yourself.

• Your thoughts have much more to do with how you feel, than what is actually happening in your life.

Three E.Q. Stories for Leaders

The Bible tells of a man who was:

• Tall • Stunningly handsome • Wealthy • Well-liked by the general public• 1 Samuel 9:1-2• The Lord anointed him to be the first king

over God’s chosen people, Israel.

• Research has documented that negative thoughts which cause emotional turmoil nearly always contain gross distortions.

• The thoughts on the surface appear valid, but you will learn that they are irrational or just plain wrong and that twisted thinking is a major cause of suffering.

Three Causes of Saul’s Mental Illness

1. Magnification/Minimization• When confronted with his own

(appropriate) guilt, minimized it and justified himself.

• A man who has committed a mistake and doesn't correct it is committing another mistake. Confucius

• “We can turn setbacks into victories. Find the lesson, apply it and move on. Then look back on defeat and smile.”  David J. Schwartz, Ph.D.

Turning Defeat into Victory“If you have made

mistakes, you certainly gain a

victory if you see these mistakes

and regard them as beacons of warning. Thus you turn defeat into victory, disappointing the enemy and honoring your

Redeemer.”E.G.White, Christ’s Object Lessons p. 332

Three Causes of Saul’s Depression

• When confronted with his own (appropriate) guilt, justifying himself.

• Dwelling on the unfairness of his life.• A high self esteem (pride) that was

wounded by the people’s and especially the women’s obvious preference for another leader.

Magnification of Self

• “Is not this great Babylon which I have built?”

• “I will exalt myself above the Most High.”

Symptoms of Pride• Trying to be noticed• Craving attention• Itching for compliments• Needing to be important• Detesting the idea of

being submissive• Loathing the idea of

admitting to wrongdoing• Strongly opinionated• Being argumentative

• Demanding your way• Wanting control over others• Flaunting your individual

rights• Refusing advice• Being critical, yet resenting

criticism• Being oversensitive• Thinking you have

excellences you don’t have

Desire of Ages 330

• Christ was never elated by applause, • nor dejected by censure or

disappointment. • Amid the greatest opposition and the

most cruel treatment, He was still of good courage.

Nothing gives one person so much advantage over another as to remain cool and unruffled under all circumstances.

Thomas Jefferson

Watch Out for I Can’t Stand It “Itis”

Frustration ToleranceWhen trials arise that seem unexplainable, we

should not allow our peace to be spoiled. However unjustly we may be treated, let not

passion arise. By indulging a spirit of retaliation we injure

ourselves. We destroy our own confidence in God, and

grieve the Holy Spirit. COL 172

• When Saul underwent the recommended therapy for depression, he would feel better again.

• However, in time, with the three causes still active, and the third cause (wounded pride) becoming even more prominent, he would slip back into anxiety and depression.

Story Number 2

What is it that makes your mood mad, glad, or sad?

Or calm?

The A-B-C of CBT

A—Activating event

A C

C—emotional C—emotional ConsequenceConsequenceX

Crooked Thinking• Also called A—C Thinking• Believing that we have little

or no ability to influence our feelings and that events and situations directly cause our emotions and behavior.

Psalm 6618 If I regard iniquity in my heart, the

Lord will not hear me.

The A-B-C of E.Q.

A—Activating event

A CB—B—BeliefBelief

B

C—emotional C—emotional ConsequenceConsequence

The A-B-C of E.Q.

A—Activating event

A C

BeliefBeliefB

C—emotional C—emotional ConsequenceConsequence

Emotional Reasoning

Ecclesiastes 21 I said in mine heart, Go to now, I will prove thee with

mirth, therefore enjoy pleasure:10 And whatsoever mine eyes desired I kept not from

them, I withheld not my heart from any joy;17 Therefore I hated life . . . for all is vanity and

vexation of spirit.20 Therefore I went about to cause my heart to

despair . . .

• Many envied the popularity and abundant glory of Solomon, thinking that of all men he must be the most happy.

• But amid all that glory of artificial display the man envied is the one to be most pitied.

• His countenance is dark with despair. All the splendor about him is but to him mockery of the distress and anguish of his thoughts as he reviews his misspent life in seeking for happiness through indulgence and selfish gratification of every desire. {CC 194.2}

• By his own bitter experience, Solomon learned the emptiness of a life that seeks in earthly things its highest good. Gloomy and soul-harassing thoughts troubled him night and day. For him there was no longer any joy of life or peace of mind, and the future was dark with despair. {CC 196.2}

False Way of Altering the Way You Feel

Can never get enough of what you don’t need,

Because what you don’t need will never satisfy you!

Pornography Exposure Effects after Six weeks

• Less interested and less attracted to their partner

• More self absorbed• Less empathy for others

around them• Very self centered world• Shuts them down

emotionally

• As Dr Zillman has said: “The negative effects of pornography have been more consistently proven than the links between smoking and lung cancer.”

• Experimental Psychologist, Indiana University

James 1

13 No one should say God tempts, because God doesn’t tempt anyone.

14 Each one is tempted when he is dragged away and enticed by his own evil feelings.

Feelings can lie!

"Feelings are much like waves. We can't stop them from coming, but we can choose which one to surf." -Jonatan  Mårtensson

Story Number 3

Depression in the Bible

• But he himself went a day's journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree: and he requested for himself that he might ________; and said, It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my _________;

• 1 Kings 19:4

die

life

When Elijah was depressed and wanted to die, what did the Lord ask

him? • And it was so, when Elijah heard it, that

he wrapped his face in his mantle, and went out, and stood in the entering in of the cave. And, behold, there came a voice unto him, and said, “________ _________ _________ _________, Elijah?”

What Doest Thou Here?

Overgeneralization

• Holding the hypothesis as a fact, rather than a hypothesis

• Generalizing from too few instances• Elijah• Peter• Paul

Truth in the heart

1 LORD, who shall abide in thy tabernacle? who shall dwell in thy holy hill?

2 He that walketh uprightly, and worketh righteousness, and speaketh the truth in his heart.

“Even the thoughts must be brought into subjection to the will of God, and the feelings under the control of reason and religion.

Our imagination was not given us to be allowed to run riot and have its own way, without any effort at restraint and discipline.

If the thoughts are wrong, the feelings will be wrong; and the thoughts and feelings combined make up the moral character.”

Testimonies for the Church Volume 5 pg 330

Will Rogers “It’s not what we

don’t know that hurts us so much,

it’s what we know for sure that just ain’t so.”

Emotional Intelligence

Reconstruct Your Thinking

“Be transformed by the renewing of your mind”

Romans 12:2

• Self-discipline must be practiced.• An ordinary mind, well disciplined, will

accomplish more and higher work than will the most highly educated mind and the greatest talents without self-control.--COL 335

Psalm 51:6

Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom.

Mikala

• Intelligent, energetic, beautiful young girl• Sexually abused at the age of 13 by a friend of

the family• Depression and anxiety began to take over• Her fix was trying to find satisfaction in

relationships with men, which quickly accelerated to sexual relationships

• Would go from one break-up to another• One relationship to another• Now needs antidepressants

Mikala• Depression would get very severe• Between periods of more normal energy for her, which

would be rated as high energy by the psychiatrist• Was soon diagnosed with bipolar disorder• One drug was not enough, two drugs were not

enough, three drugs were not enough• Finally four drugs, two for bipolar, one for anxiety, one

for mood.• Still intelligent and with enough energy to get a job as

a pharmacy technician.• With her intelligence, energy and beauty, she caught

the eye of the head of her local CVS pharmacy who was 10 years older than her

Mikala• Now on a flight to Cancun with her boyfriend

who has the capability to fully support her in her future plans

• He is fun, energetic, and good looking.• Besides, he, unlike most of the others she has

been with, has a great career and makes good money.

• She believes she is on top of the world.

Mikala• Her first morning in Cancun• Her “loving” boyfriend goes down to the pool.• Notices his mobile phone still in the room.• Goes through his pictures• Finds girls that she knows, one of which also works

as a pharmacy tech, in a provocative pose with him, just two days earlier

• She now knows she is not the only one

Mikala• “This is my lot in life”• I can’t take this any more.• There is no hope.• Klonopin overdose• Night in hospital• Sent back to hotel in his care• This time she did it again, now with a potent blood pressure

medicine, that was being used in low doses to stabilize her mood.• Almost successful, 7 days in hospital• Boyfriend leaves her in Mexico by himself, and goes back home

Proverbs 13

12 Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.

Mikala at Weimar• Angry, depressed, still wants to die,

although she says she won’t do it this time.

• First, had to buy her some clothes.• Did not have to buy her a bathing suit for

hydrotherapy.• Good nutrition, exercise, light, circadian

rhythm

Counseling• Have to be BP—Boy Proof.• Hey BP Mikala• Calling things that aren’t as though they are• Happiness cannot be linked to a man relationship.• To be happily married you must first be happily

single.• Correct distorted thoughts.• Enhance the frontal lobe

Last year• Mikala came to Dallas to attend the E.Q. Summit• She is back to her consistently happy, and energetic self.• Off all meds except for one that is not a psychiatric

medication.• No boyfriends, dresses non-provocatively• Future is far brighter that the average 21 year old • Follows the program• Now a Seventh-day Adventist• Is mentally, physically, and spiritually healthy

Signs of Emotional Intelligence• Curious about people you don’t know

• Knowledge (accurate) with own strengths and weaknesses

• Able to focus without easily getting distracted• When you are upset, you know exactly why• Can get along with most people• Care deeply about being a good, moral person• Take time to slow down and help others

Signs of Emotional Intelligence• Good at reading other people’s emotions in their facial

expressions• Good judge of character• Truth (accuracy in thought) is very important to you• Self motivated• Know when to say no• After a fall or lapse, you take responsibility and get right back up• Great leader (when combined with talent and a strong work ethic)

The Comforter"When He, the Spirit of truth, is come," said

Jesus, "He will guide you into all truth.“ The Comforter is called "the Spirit of truth." His work is to define and maintain the truth. He first dwells in the heart as the Spirit of truth,

and thus He becomes the Comforter. There is comfort and peace in the truth, but no

real peace or comfort can be found in falsehood.

Desire of Ages 671

The Effects of FalsehoodIt is through false theories and traditions that

Satan gains his power over the mind. By directing men to false standards, he

misshapes the character. Through the Scriptures the Holy Spirit speaks to

the mind, and impresses truth upon the heart. Thus He exposes error, and expels it from the soul.

It is by the Spirit of truth, working through the word of God, that Christ subdues His chosen people to Himself. DA 671

• Army researchers found that when they subjected a group of volunteers to two sleepless nights, the lack of shut-eye seemed to hinder participants' ability to make decisions in the face of emotionally charged, moral dilemmas.

• Some volunteers changed their views of what was morally acceptable after they'd been awake for two days.

• This was not universally true, however; volunteers who, at the beginning of the study, scored high on a measure known as "emotional intelligence" did not waver on what they found morally appropriate.

•Dr. William D. S. Killgore Sleep, March 1, 2007

“The power of right thought is more precious than the

golden wedge of Ophir. . .” Heavenly Places 164

Emotional Intelligence—It Can Be Improved

"Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you

free." John 8:32