idle banter

IDLE BANTEROCTOBER 2010AN ON-LINE HUMOUR MAGAZINE, OF SORTS

WELCOME

SAD LATE NEWS:

‘H’ FROM STEPS IS DEAD!

CONTACT US: [email protected]

Welcome indeed, to this, the latest issue of Idle Banter. As you know, we are always on the lookout for funny or interesting stories, photoshop excellence, pictures of cats behaving suspiciously, and of course links to video proof of our own stupidy as a species. So don’t be shy.

We’re obviously a bit retro, because we’re turning all that flotsam bounty into magazines, albeit brand, new flippy type ones (so Minority Report). We’ll get them up on a website as well, just as soon as we figure out how to do that.

And maybe we should start leaving a few cop-ies in a time capsule - for post-apocalypse gen-erations to discover and help them feel better as they contemplate the harsh realities of their brave new world with its long, bleak winters and its ash-fuelled volcanic sunsets. Chin up and all that!

So keep your emails coming, we could be making history here!

“If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that!” (Milton Jones)

“I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.” (Demetri Martin)

8

DARK SECRETS...I saw down a side alley a load of epileptics gathered in a circle, watching two others shaking in the middle together. I asked one of them, ‘What the hell is going on?’ He said, ‘First rule of fit club is, you do not talk about fit club’.

SAD NEWS...“The woman whose voice provided the speaking clock has passed away. Apparently it was her third stroke.”

THE PRICE OF FAME...Poor Jordan is having to move house, as men keep driving by shouting “Get ‘em out for the lads” or “Any chance of a quick one?” She doesn’t find it offensive, just very time consuming.”

BAD MEDICINE...Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring.

The doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

WIKI-MAN...I’m feeling quite proud of myself after doing my bit for a worthy cause. I noticed a banner on Wikipedia this morning, saying that they desperately needed to raise $7.5m to keep the site running, but had only managed $1.2m so far. Thanks to me, they’re now well on their way to reaching their target. I edited it to say they’d raised $6.5m.

So a man jumps into a taxi and says “King Arthur’s close” and the taxi driver says, “don’t worry we’ll lose him at the next lights”. (Tommy Cooper)

9

JUST GOT THIS TEXT:“Mate, your not going to believe this, I’ve just won a competition on the radio for a holiday to Greece! Got $2000 spending money and I can take 5 mates. I know it’s short notice but if you’re free from 1st December to 15th December, can you put my bin out?”

CURE FOR BOREDOM...“Whenever I’m bored, I like to think about people with their hands in their pockets falling over.”

WORK SHY...“My boss stormed up to me in the office today and said,“You missed work yesterday, didn’t you?”“Not particularly,” I replied.

My girlfriend told me

to stop playing Pokemon as it was childish. I started thrashing about and roared “You don’t have enough badges to control me!”

I just heard on the news that gangs are now using dogs instead of knives. I gave it a try but I have to admit I was a little disappointed with the hairy toast.

BASIC INSTINCT...“I was at a club last night, minding my own business when an extremely attractive blonde sidled over to me and whispered in my ear that she wanted to make mad passionate love to me on a ceramic dish. I have to say, it’s the first time I’ve ever been offered sex on a plate.”

I came down-stairs this morn-ing to see that my curtains were drawn. All the furniture was real though.

I spent five min-utes fixing a bro-ken clock yes-terday. At least I think it was five minutes.

“A tramp, a gentleman, a poet, a dreamer, a lonely fellow, always hopeful of romance and adventure.” (Charlie Chaplin)

TOP 10 (RUBBISH) SCIENCE PREDICTIONS 10: “There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp. (DEC), maker of big business mainframe computers, arguing against the PC in

1977.

9: “There will never be a bigger plane built.” — A Boeing engineer, after the first flight of the 247, a twin engine

plane that holds ten people

8: “Nuclear-powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality in 10 years.” - Alex Lewyt, president of vacuum cleaner company Lewyt Corp., in the New York Times in 1955.

7: “There is not the slightest indication that nuclear energy will ever be obtainable. It would mean that the atom would have to be shattered at will.” — Albert Einstein, 1932

6: “The cinema is little more than a fad. It’s canned drama. What audiences really want to see is flesh and blood on the stage.” -– Charlie Chaplin, 1916

5: “The horse is

“The limits of the possible can only be defined by going beyond them into the impossible.” (Arthur C Clarke)

here to stay but the automobile is only a novelty – a fad.” — The president of the Michigan Savings Bank advising Henry Ford’s lawyer, Horace Rackham, not to invest in the Ford Motor Co., 1903.

4: “The Americans have need of the telephone, but we do not. We have plenty of messenger boys.” — Sir William Preece, Chief Engineer, British Post

Office, 1878.

3: “The world potential market for copying machines is 5000 at most.” — IBM, to the eventual founders of Xerox, saying the photocopier had no market large enough to justify production, 1959.

2: “The idea that cavalry will be replaced by these iron coaches is absurd. It is little short of treasonous.” — Comment of Aide-de-camp to Field Marshal Haig, at tank demonstration, 1916.

1: “Television won’t be able to hold on to any market it captures after the first six months. People will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night.” — Darryl Zanuck, movie producer, 20th Century Fox, 1946.

“I’d like to con-sider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God.”

[On the Porsche Boxster]“It couldn’t pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom.”

[When driving the Mercedes SLR McLaren through a tunnel]

“When they de-bate as to what the sound of the SLR engine was akin to, the Brit-ish engineers from McLaren said it sounded like a Spitfire. But the Ger-man engineers from Mercedes said ‘Nein! Nein! Sounds like a Messerschmitt!’ They were both

wrong. It sounds like the God of Thunder, gar-gling with nails.”

“I’m sorry, but having an As-ton Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you’ve got even half a

scrotum it’s not go-ing to hap-pen.”

CLASSIC CLARKSON

[On the Enzo Ferrari]“I rang up Jay Kay, who’s got one, and said: “Can we bor-row yours?” and he said, “Yeah, if I can borrow your daugh-ter, because it amounts to the same thing.”

Top Gear host Jeremy Clarkson has a certain way with words...

“My grandmother drove until she was 80. Never had an accident. Mind you, she saw hundreds going on in her rear view mirror.” (Jaspar Carrot)

CLASSIC CLARKSONTop Gear host Jeremy Clarkson has a certain way with words...

“In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled – usually when one of their custom-ers wrote to the factory complain-ing about how dead he was.”

“Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfort-able. More comfortable than what… being stabbed?”

“Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear. I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would.”

“The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asth-matic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.”

“Think of it (the Alfa Romeo Brera) as Angelina Jolie. You’ve heard she’s mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn’t you?”

“This is a Renault Espace, probably the best of the peo-ple carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying ‘Oh good, I’ve got syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases!’”

[On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG]“It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.”

AMERICANS STILL STRUGGLING TO PULL OUT OF IRAQ

NICE WORK BOYS!

LITTLE BILL’S BEDROOM!

UM, THAT WAS YUMMY!

“Life is one fool thing after another whereas love is two fool things after each other.” (Oscar Wilde)

AMERICANS STILL STRUGGLING TO PULL OUT OF IRAQ

WHO SAYS PAPARAZZI CAN’T BE STALKERS TOO?

“I thought coq au vin was love in a lorry.” (Victoria Wood)

BBQ RULESRefresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it’s the only type of cooking a ‘real’ man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine1) The woman buys the food. (2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert. (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along With the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.Here comes the important part: (4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.More routine (5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery. (6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with it.Important again: (7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.More routine (8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, Sauces, and brings them to the table. (9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.And most important of all: (10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts. (11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off.” And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.

“Run like someone’s chasing you.” (A spectator at the London Marathon encouraging runner Paula Radcliffe)

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a Septic Tank Truck:Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

On a Plumber's truck:"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck:"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

On an Electrician's truck:"Let us remove your shorts."

On a Maternity Room door:"Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office:"If you don't see what you're

looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:"We really know our stuff."

Outside a Car Exhaust Store:"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Vet’s waiting room:"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

Sign on the back of yet an-other Septic Tank Truck:"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.” (Helen Rowland)

The news almost entirely devoid of troublesome little things like the truth

24

By Andrew Marlatt (Sydney, 800 miles South of Nova Scotia) - After what witnesses described as an “all night blinder during which it kept droning on about how it was always being bloody ignored by the whole bloody world and would bloody

well stand to do something about it”, Australia this morning woke up to find itself in the middle of the North Atlantic. "Good Lord, that was a booze up," said a bleary-eyed Australian Prime Minister, Julia

Gillard, speaking from her residence at Kirribilli House, approximately 600 nautical miles east of Cape Hatteras, North Carolina. According to Australians and residents of several countries destroyed or lewdly

AUSTRALIA GETS DRUNK, WAKES UP IN NORTH ATLANTICTired of Being Isolated and Ignored, Continent Isn’t Bloody Moving


insulted during the continent's nearly 7,000-mile saltwater stagger, the binge began just after noon yesterday at a pub in Brisbane, where several patrons were discussing Australia Day and the nation's general lack of respect from abroad. "It started off same as always; coupla fossils saying how our Banjo Patterson was a better poet than Walt Whitman, how Con the Fruiterer is funnier than Seinfeld, only they're Aussies so no one knows about 'em," recalled witness Kevin Porter. "Then this bloke Martin pipes up and says Australia's main problem is that it's stuck in Australia, and everybody says 'Too right!'" "Well, it made sense at the time," Porter added.

By 2 a.m., powered by national pride and alcohol, the 3-million-square-mile land mass was barging eastward through the Coral Sea and crossing into the central Pacific, leaving a trail of beer cans and Chinese take-away in its wake. When dawn broke over the Northern Hemisphere, the continent suddenly found itself, not only upside down, but smack in the middle of the Atlantic, and according to most of its 19 million inhabitants, that's the way it's going to stay. "We sent troops to Afghanistan. You never hear about it. We have huge government scandals. You never hear about it. It's all 'America did this,' and 'Europe says

that,'" exclaimed Perth resident Paul Watson. "Well, we're right in the thick of things now, so let's just see if you can you ignore us." Officials on both sides of the Atlantic conceded that would be difficult. "They broke Florida," said U.S. State Department spokesman Richard Boucher. "And most of Latin America is missing." Meanwhile, victims of what's already been dubbed the "Australian Crawl" are still shaking off the event. "Australia bumped into us at about midnight local time," said Hawaii governor Ben Cayetano. "They were very friendly — they always seem friendly — but they refused to go around unless we answered

AUSTRALIA GETS DRUNK, WAKES UP IN NORTH ATLANTICTired of Being Isolated and Ignored, Continent Isn’t Bloody Moving

their questions. But the questions were impossible. 'Who is Ian Thorpe? Do you have any Tim Tams? When is Australia Day?'" "Fortunately, somebody here had an Unimportant World Dates calendar and we aced the last one," Cayetano added. Panama, however, was not so lucky. "Australia came through here screaming curses at us to let them through," said Ernesto Carnal, who guards the locks at the entrance to the Panama Canal. "We said they would

not fit, so they demanded to speak with a manager. When I go to find Mr. Caballos, they sneak the whole continent through." When Caballos shouted to the fleeing country that it had not paid, Australia "accidentally" backed up and took out every nation in the region, as well as the northern third of Venezuela. They then made up a cheery song about it. By late morning today, however, not everyone in Australia was quite so blithe. "We've still got part of Jamaica stuck to Queensland," said

Australian army commander Lt. Gen. Peter Cosgrove. "I think we might have declared war on it. I don't bloody remember. Maybe it's time to go home."

Cosgrove, however, is not in the majority, and at press time, U.S., African, and European leaders were still desperately trying to negotiate for Australia's withdrawal. But the independent-minded Aussies were not making it easy. In a two-hour meeting at midday, Australian representatives listed their demands: immediate inclusion in the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, a permanent CNN presence in all 6 Australian states, a worldwide ban on hiring Paul Hogan, a primetime U.S. television contract for Australian Rules Football, and a 4,500-mile-long bridge between Sydney and Los Angeles. U.S. negotiators immediately walked out, calling the Australian Rules Football request "absurd."



“AMERICANS MUST LEARN TO BE LESS POLITICALLY FICKLE”

SAYS ALL-TIME WORST PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA.

ACTUALLY, ONLY ONE WAY TO SKIN A CAT,” says taxidermist.

Taxidermy students and idiomologists the world over were in shock last night after Dr Herbert Snelling of the renowned Brandenberg Institute of Taxidermy attacked the traditional belief that there are numerous methods by which to deprive a cat of its skin. “Eet eez frankly ludicrous in zis day and age that students of taxidermy are still believing of all this old nonsense”, he said at the Institute’s Annual General Meeting in Geneva. “I have conducted numerous

tests using such implements as potato peelers, nail clippers and even cheese graters – all viz little success. As far as I am concerned there is, and always vill be, only von reliable method. And zat is to frighten the little critter so severely that eet literally jumps out of eet’s own skin.”

The man at the British Airways check-in desk surveyed our small hill of

luggage and without a single hint of irony asked, “Are you carrying any electronic equipment?”“No,” I replied with equal sincerity. “We have absolutely no electronic gadgets with us, as fortunately we came here by time machine from 1953. All we have to report is a wind-up travel clock and a new-fangled ‘biro’ writing device

from Paris.”In truth of course we had at least one entire bag dedicated to just adaptors, leads and chargers, let alone the various ‘essential’ gadgets they served. A family of five rarely travels light in this regard. Surely the brusque, uniformed young man in front of me meant his question in a rhetorical sense, or as some sort of modern greeting that isn’t really supposed to be answered. Like “How’s it hanging?”

And then, just as I was mumbling something about everything being safely switched off and all miniature warheads carefully packed away, he hit me with that other rather baffling departure terminal favourite: “Did you pack your bag yourself?” An enquiry so loaded with possibilities, it sweats like old dynamite. “Yes,” I lied.

Did he really expect me to implicate my wife in whatever fiendish plot he imagined me capable of? Again I could only assume this was a question, like the electronics one, which is posed to so many millions of people, it occasionally garners

results. “Well no actually! Now you come to mention it, my bag was mainly packed for me by a strangely brown foreign gentleman with a clammy forehead, who said he was part of the South Croydon Cub Scouts movement. I didn’t think anything of it at the time.”

It reminded me of that classic Monty Python sketch about the diplomat’s briefcase.

“Would such a simple admission on my part instantly unleash 14 vanfuls of slathering, gun-toting Special Branch officers into aunty’s front room?”

”The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.” (Benny Hill)

cont...

STRAIGHT TO THE POINTA worrying tale of faceless airport bureaucrats arm-wrestling their way through a large bowl of common sense custard. By Joe Swain.

Cleese: “Has anyone seen my top secret documents case?” Palin: – “The one with ‘Top Secret’ written on the side?” Cleese: “Yes, that’s the one.” Palin: “Oh, I gave it to that foreign looking gentleman who came in looking for top secret documents a little while ago.”Cleese: “Oh bother.”

Or Baldrick’s cunning plan for uncovering German spies in

the field hospital in ‘Blackadder Goes Forth’: “We should look for anyone who has a German name and then ask them, “Are you a spy?” (A plan which, to be fair, eventually resulted in the discovery of Herr Schmidt - the spy – languishing in the bed next to Blackadder cleverly disguised as Herr Smith.)

BA has obviously decided to adopt a similarly direct approach. I have often wondered what would happen though if

you were to reply to the packing question more honestly. What if, say, I suddenly remembered that my sweet old aunty had tucked a few presents for the kids into my hand luggage just before we got into the taxi? Should I dob her in? Could it be that despite her 76 years toiling in a fish-packing factory in Grimsby, she might actually be an undercover ‘sleeper’ agent patiently awaiting the call to arms?

Maybe the brusque, uniformed young man knew something about her that I didn’t. Would such a simple admission on my part instantly unleash 14 vanfuls of slathering, gun-toting Special Branch officers into aunty’s front room? It would be a squeeze that’s for sure and I wouldn’t fancy the chances of her extensive collection of porcelain ballerinas. But then again if

”Airplane travel is nature’s way of making you look like your passport photo.” (Al Gore)

she was a secret agent, judging by the intricate nature of her knitting patterns, I reckon she would be a fairly good one.

So probably, by the time they were ramming her door down, she would have slipped out through a secret tunnel underneath the fridge. Before you could say ‘Marjinska Krackanopalov’ (quite possibly her real name) she would have evaporated into the folds of the local shopping centre cleverly disguised as Charles Bronson.Which would leave me well and truly in it, the ruthless old cow.

But whilst progress through airports may have slowed down lately on account of increased security

measures, it comes nowhere near the organized chaos that passengers trying to enter Australia have been putting up with for years.

While the rest of the world is trying to extricate itself from George W’s war on terror, Australia is doggedly engaged in its own titanic struggle. Against fruit.

Quite what threat half a banana and a seedless mandarin pose, is less obvious, but Australia’s cropped legions of customs officers have certainly honed the art of finding the pesky little critters down to a fine art.

They have redefined the word ‘direct’ and no longer waste time with simple questions

like, “Where’ve you stashed the citrus then you scumbag foreign mule?” They just herd incoming passengers into single file queues in otherwise deserted holding lounges and unleash intimidating packs of sniffer dogs onto them. A ring-pulling experience if ever there was one.

The Australian Embassy tried to fob me off with a load of pseudo scientific drivel about fruit possibly carrying dangerous diseases, but none of it was consistent with my comedic theme, so I discarded it. Which all goes to show, however much you think you know a pear….

“While the rest of the world is trying to extricate itself from George W’s war on terror, Australia is doggedly engaged in its own titanic struggle. Against fruit.”

32

THAT TOLD HER?My girlfriend told me I suffer from a lack of imagination.I said, “Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination”.

2’s up...A friend of mine says he is making love to twins.I said ‘ How can you tell the difference?’ He said, ‘Easy, her brother’s got a mous-tache’.

shine on..?Shine a torch through a glass of water. You can see light on the other side. Conclusion? You don’t need silly little wipers on your headlights.

DYING SHAME...I was at the supermarket this after-noon, when a lady dropped dead in front of me. I felt really sorry for her. She’d just bought a Bag for Life.

how dare you?...Essex girl in bed with her boy-friend says, ‘How dare you call me a slapper. Get out of my bed right now. And take your mates with you!’

JUST FOR LAUGHS...Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people’s home last night.They didn’t get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.

BADLY BURNT...Teacher says to little Tommy ‘Why weren’t you at school yester-day?’Tommy says ‘My grandfather got burnt’ Teacher says ‘Badly?’ Little Tommy says ‘Yes, they don’t mess about at the cremato-rium.’

“My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and he said ‘Do I know you?’ (Seven Wright)

33

LAST LEGS...Last year, I went to America on a mountain climbing holiday. I had an accident, and fell 30ft. I broke both my legs and was bleeding heavily. I managed to make it to a road, where I flagged down a car which drove me to the hospital.I crawled into the waiting room, and two nurses ran over to me.“Oh my God, are you alright?” one of them shouted.I said, “I’m absolutely fine, why do you ask?” before passing out.After waking up in the same spot 6 hours later, I realised there’s a time and a place for sarcasm.

IT ALL ADDS UP...My daughter asked me to make her a ballerina’s skirt. I didn’t have a clue where to start, but then I put tu and tu together.

I am absolutely useless at everything I ever do. That’s why I killed myself last night.

Being vague is almost as fun as doing that other thing.

The Winter Olympics.Letting rich people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.

Call it a hunch, but I’m pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.

People often ask me what my moto is. It’s "Never say never", which actually makes it quite difficult to tell them.

I put a couple of 't's in my beer last night. I think it made it better.

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“Women, don’t get a tattoo. That butterfly looks great on your breast when you’re twenty or thirty, but when you get to seventy, it stretches into a condor.” (Billy Elmer)

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