i have no regret

7/31/2019 I Have No Regret

1/4

I Have No Regret

My only regret in life is that I could

not spare my daughter's life for mine ~ EJC

It was spring time again

winter was at its end

and the fine weather had returned,

the trees would soon be in full leave

and the flowers in their glorious bloom.

From my bedroom window

where I still lay as if in a dream,

I could hear an early birdmelodiously chanting the matins,

while from their loft the pigeons

were already beginning to coo.

As I lay there, pensive,

from some corner of my nocturnal solitude

which had accompanied me all night,

words now came to my lips

without rhyme and reason,

and I was longing again for the

transcendental beauty of music and verse,

yearning to colour my perception

of Life in evocative and lyrical compositions.

The first rays of the sun

filtered through my window pane

and spread their dust-sheets

across my lingering sleep;

behind the veil of eyes and fleshyears had followed years

in the course of which my bloom

has faded to dwell only in my memories.


2/4

Looking back I now platonically

concede that reality has always

disappointed my expectations,

and were it not for forgotten

strains of happiness,

my concept of reality would have

been an illusory perception,

like a beautiful enchanted garden

blossoming with fragrant flowers,

but which is sadly hidden

behind a forbidding wall.

And in recalling memories of my youth,

I am struck with the changes it works

upon us from when we are youngto when we are old

its like experiencing the disappointment

of returning to a place of our youth

and finding all the magic gone.

Trying to revive the details of our past

and the faces of those once dear to us,

promising oneself to write a memorable

novel thus bringing the past back to Life;

as the corroding effect of Time makes

all human feelings and experiences

fade to nothing, while remaining eternally

present in our subconscious.

I now seek to inoculate myself with

profound observations on Life,

with the existential problem of being alive

and that of being happy at all costs;

feeling all the while capableof higher flights of poetry;

with the fragrance of jasmine on

my lips sweeter than the sighs

of the inebriated heart,

where I would sound the flute

of Love by the river of my emotions.


3/4

A time when we finally realise our own

very nature in the course of the abetting time,

and it is then that the true aspect

of our soul is revealed to us,

cause a mans suffering is very often

caused by his desires,

for there are certain cravings which

as soon as we have allowed them

to grow inside us, insist upon being

gratified at any cost;

a sort of compulsion upon us

to value what we lackat the expense of what we have,

as in every choice we make

we discard something else.

And yet there has been a time

when I had been inexplicably overwhelmed

with a profound sense of happiness,

but it was only as if I was cloaking

a lie in the semblance of truth,

for when death came to dwell in me

by taking away the fruit of our Love,

a lasting feeling of melancholy invaded me.

And albeit Time numbs the pain

we feel at the death of someone

so close and so dear to us,

the reality of someones death

takes a longer period to be digested,

and in between I then found thatI had broken faith with God,

that I had unconsciously repudiated Him.


4/4

But I have no regret,

I know today just who am I,

just who I am and who I was,

and whom Ive been for all these years;

for my relationship with my God has

proved to be an illusorily and a faithless one,

He asked us for our first offspring

just like He did with Abraham,

but on the mount of Moriah

I would not take my daughter;

and so He took her away from me.

Today I think that I understand mysober outlook upon this weary Life,

but then I find that I am only loving

that which I no longer possess,

loving only that in which I pursue

something which is no longer accessible;

and as I was not brought up to

eat that sort of bread,

I have always unconsciously

avoided the reality of death.

And in this final journey of self-examination

solitude can at times be better, more fruitful

and less painful for the wounded soul,

where discerningly I may

contemplate with detachment

in the innermost depths of myself,

on the endless hopes, doubts and dreams

which have chequered my convulsed life,

as it is always thus, impelled by a stateof mind which is destined not to last,

that we make our irrevocable decisions.

2012

i have no regret

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