HOW TO WIN FRIENDS, INFLUENCE PEOPLE,

AND USE THEM TO TURN A PROFIT

www.socialclimbersbible.comDirk Wittenborn and Jazz Johnson

Big Fish: The privileged elite and your portals to a brighter future. Having spent their lives working and climbing to get where they are, Big Fish want friends they can count on to envy them, friends who will make them feel superior: friends like you.

In today’s postrecession economic hard times, social climbing financial gain, aka networking, is a no-brainer. So how does a social climber, aka a networker, who wants a Big Fi$h to invest in his/her gizmo or business scheme or who needs a job broach the subject of needing help?

Say nothing about your business proposition or job request to anyone, most especially to the Big Fi$h you plan on approaching, who, for the purpose of this exercise, we will call Big Fi$h Bob. Stay off the subject of business entirely except to flatter Big Fi$h Bob for his business savvy. If, when you are in Big Fi$h Bob’s presence, you witness someone else make a business proposition to Bob or if Bob asks your opinion of another’s proposition, always subtly indicate how pathetic and foolish you find it that someone would stoop to exploiting a social friendship with a shrewd man like Bob for personal gain.

By now, you will know Big Fi$h Bob well enough to be aware of a second Big Fi$h that Bob either is in direct competition with or loathes due to the fact that he is either above or below Bob on the Big Fi$h food chain. We will call the second Big Fi$h—Big Fi$h Pete.

STEP 1

Without Big Fi$h Bob’s knowledge, make the acquaintance of rival Big Fi$h Pete. How do you do that? By using your well-honed social climbing recon skills. Find out Pete’s hobbies, people you know in common, etc. If you discover Pete has a passion for a rarefied pastime, say, for the purposes of this exercise, snail charting, read up enough to know that snail charting consists of putting a dot of colored nail polish on the shell of a snail and following it around for several days, mapping its routes though the garden. Arrange to bump into Pete and mention your fondness for live escargot and invite him to have lunch with you at the restaurant where you know Big Fi$h Bob has lunch.

Why will Big Fi$h Pete, whom you just met, say “Yes” to lunch? Because you are a fellow snail charter, and because he knows you are friends with his enemy and competitor Big Fi$h Bob. Even if Pete doesn’t like you, he will break bread with you in the hopes you will inadvertently say something that he can use against Big Fi$h Bob.

STEP 2

At your lunch with Pete, discuss neither your business proposition nor your friendship with Bob. Talk snails. When Big Fi$h Bob arrives at his favorite restaurant and sees you having lunch with Pete, pretend not to notice him. Make a show of laying a spreadsheet out on the table that shows the path of the imaginary snail you’ve been charting.

Guaranteed, within twenty-four hours of this lunch at which nothing but snails was discussed, you will get a call from Big Fi$h Bob inquiring why you were having lunch with someone as loathsome as Big Fi$h Pete. A clever networker like you will reply that you asked his nemesis to lunch to discuss an investment opportunity or a job you want. Big Fi$h Bob, having seen you show Big Fi$h Pete papers, will assume they were business papers or your resume, not a snail chart. At this point Bob is sure to say, “Why didn’t you come to me with your business deal?” or, “Why didn’t you ask me for help with a job?” Now the cunning networker sinks the hook by confessing, “I didn’t want to take advantage of our friendship.”

STEP 3

Now that you have him on the line, play him carefully. Because Big Fi$h are competitive, Big Fi$h Bob will begin by telling you all the reasons you don’t want to be in business with a knuckle-dragger like Big Fi$h Pete, or have a bottom-feeder like Pete get you a job.

Note: Big Fi$h often consider beating another Big Fi$h out of a deal a good deal, even if the deal is as lame as the one you will likely be offering them. Even if Bob does run with the bait and offer to help you then and there, hesitate. Tell Bob that you and Big Fi$h Pete shook on the deal and you are a man/woman of your word.

Big Fi$h Bob will then call Big Fi$h Pete and mention the fact that he saw you and Pete having lunch and ask what you were talking about. Know that when Pete tells Big Fi$h Bob the truth—that you were discussing snail charting—it is an absolute certainty that Big Fi$h Bob is going to think Pete is lying. And in Big Fi$h Bob’s mind, if Pete is lying about what you were talking about at lunch, it means that your business proposition is a better proposition than it seemed when you relayed it to him or you have hidden skills that make you more qualified for the kind of job he assumes you asked Big Fi$h Pete to help you get. Either way, two or three days after Bob hangs up, he will call you back with an offer to team up with him. Say “No” twice before saying “Yes.” You know you’re screwing Big Fi$h Bob, but he doesn’t.

STEP 4

Even after contracts are signed, the game is not over, not for a networker like you. Via the magic of networking, Big Fi$h Pete will hear about your new business deal with Bob or the new job Bob got you. Big Fi$h Pete, thinking he missed out on a chance to make money by talking snail charting with you, will now ask you out to lunch at a restaurant not frequented by Big Fi$h Bob to find out what other deals and ambitions you have simmering, and offer to hook you up with bigger and better investors or a higher paying job.

Remember, the smart networker always networks him- or herself within striking distance of at least two new potential Bigger Fish partners before jettisoning his or her first Big Fish business partner or gets fired from the job Big Fish Number One got him or her. We say this not because we think you’re going to be fired, or hope your deal goes south, but simply because whether your business fails isn’t important, it’s that you succeed that matters.

STEP 5

Pick up a copy of The Social Climber’s Bible at your favorite book retailer or visit www.socialclimbersbible.com

Dear Fledgling Climber:

Now that you are on expert on “How to Win Friends, Influence People, and Use Them to Turn a Profit,” we invite you to learn the lost art of social climbing from our book The Social Climber’s Bible: A Book of Manners, Practical Tips, and Spiritual Advice for the Upwardly Mobile.

Let us teach you the skills and ethical flexibility that will make you a hit at any and all social gatherings, from cocktail parties to funerals. Know the joys of social climbing as a family and learn the dos and don’ts of guiltlessly and gracefully ditching all those worn-out suburban friends and college pals holding you back from making the kind of superficial friends everybody needs to know the thrill of getting to the top.

We can’t climb for you, but we do know all the shortcuts.

Sincerely,Jazz Johnson and Dirk WittenbornThe Social Climber’s Bible

“How to Win Friends, Influence People, and Use Them to Turn a Profit” is excerpted from The Social Climber’s Bible: A Book of Manners, Practical Tips, and Spiritual Advice for the Upwardly Mobile (October 2014, Penguin Books) by Jazz Johnson and Dirk Wittenborn