how to raise happy kids_communal child rearing_general

7/28/2019 How to Raise Happy Kids_communal Child Rearing_GENERAL

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The secret to safe and sane parenting

It is always the case that one never ponders the merits of something until confrontedwith the situation oneself. And this is the case with parenting and childcare. I hadalways stoically maintained all through my single years that when I had children I

would give up my job and stay home to look after them because who better to nurturethem than me? I was proudly supported by my parents and of course various auntiesand uncles (whose wives were stay at home moms!). Then I got married and the

joyous bundle arrived. Oh, how hard then was it to stick to my resolution. I was not theonly one in this boat. I saw my cousins and friends all do the same. I also noticed thatmy parents kept nagging me to stop working and stay home. When talking to friends

though, a close acquaintance, So I said after one year I would forsake all worldlypursuits and stay home with the bambino. Aaliya* said that she thinks of her career,job and work first, it is really what defines her and she cannot imagine not working.She has three children. She did attempt to stay at home with the third one she saysbut that lasted all of three months and when someone offered her a position she did

not think twice. Two years passed and I was still gainfully employed, full time. Twoyears passed and it was only after falling pregnant a second time and an overseas joboffer for the dear husband that we decided that I would now stay home.

The second one is now almost a year and a half and I am chafing at the bit. I gothrough bouts of cleaning the house everyday to cleaning once a week. The cookingschedule is as erratic. The said dear husband is constantly castigated for not doing

enough and I lament about feeling like a single parent. I have been thinking for monthsnow that this cannot be right. What happened to communal parenting and childrearing? When did we start thinking that we needed to raise our children all by

ourselves? What do I know about feeding a baby, a toddler, a child so that it grows up

strong, healthy and intelligent? Giving birth certainly does not qualify one to raise achild. And that stupid advertisement (Im sure youve seen it), When a baby is born,so is a mother? Certainly not! It will take you many more years to nurture and raisechildren well.

In fact, I increasingly think that this only happens after your fourth child. You know thetheory, first one is, Wow! We did that? All by ourselves. Second, see, that is actuallyours, we had one now we can have two. The third happens because you think that

having two is easy. The fourth of course, I am sure happens when youre not thinkingand do not ask about the fifth and sixth, in this day and age it can only be ascribed toeconomies of scale and plans to open a sweatshop when all the kids are old enough

to operate a machine. There are, of course, women who want the soccer team.Shameema*, a chartered accountant has four kids, two girls and two boys. Her oldestis fourteen and her youngest is 4. She is 36 and according to some she is consideredlucky as she has had her kids while still young and she has a career and a great job.But is she happy? Yes and no. She wants more. She says she is happy to have six orseven. I think it is because her mom helps her to raise the children. They go to schoolin the mornings and then they spend all afternoon with grandma while mommy is busyat work. Basically she and her husband eat at her parents home during the week and


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then go home with the kids and put them to bed. There is nothing wrong with that andshe has four lovely well-behaved children. I have no idea what they would have beenlike if their mother had been their full time carer! In fact, I think, that my daughterwould benefit greatly from spending more time with her grandparents. I have no ideawhat to with a three year old after she refuses to eat breakfast, lunch and supper then

kicks and scream because she does not want to bathe and go to bed. My parents onthe other hand have had five 3-year olds (who are all still alive to tell the tale!)andknow exactly what to do.

The whole idea of the nuclear family with a stay at home mom seems to be a uniquecultural phenomenon seen in Western influenced societies and communities. In Asian,Latin, African and Mediterranean influenced societies there is always a grandparent oran aunt who is available and present to take care of young children and even olderchildren. Not for them an au pair, nanny or babysitter. By leaving children to their owndevices while parents enjoy themselves as a couple, we are enriching their lives, saysDavid Code, American family therapist, in a theory he posits in his book To Raise

Happy Kids, Put Your Marriage First. He says that for children to be happy and wellbalanced, the parents have to be happy and demonstrate that they love each other.

Quite hard when all you are doing is clean, cook supper, take the kids to extra muralsand get them to bed by 7pm and the dear husband is trying to work by 8am and gymby 6pm, all on the same day. If spreading yourself too thinly leads to constant frayedtempers with intermittent bouts of frustrated screaming then all the swimming lessons

and kumon classes will not lead to healthy, intelligent and well balanced children.According to Code if we spend too much time focussed on the children and little timedoing things for our own worth and self development then we not only suffocate ourrelationship with our partner but we also stifle their social development. "Familiescentred on children create anxious, exhausted parents and demanding, entitled

children," he says. "We parents are too quick to sacrifice our lives and our marriagesfor our kids. A good marriage sets a great example for your children's futurerelationships and that's a win-win for the whole family."

So now what? This does not mean that we must rush out to hire a nanny. What I thinkit means is that parents need to take well-deserved breaks from their offspring torecharge their parenting batteries. My sister and her husband take at least oneholiday without their two toddlers and they have maintained their date night. And Ithink thats it really, parenting is not an easy job and children big and small aremischievous and this will not change. What parents need is a release valve, every sonow and again so that they can soldier on through the jungles of diapers, sugar highs,

school runs, broken hearts and violated curfews.

And for expatriates? Being so far away from home means that your support structuresare less. So now what, learn to trust strangers? That does take a leap of faith anddepending on who you talk to its not that scary. Many expatriate women in Qatar work.In fact a number of Qatari women are also employed, either by the state or selfemployed so the culture of having nannies assist in the raising of children is well-

entrenched. In Islam it is part of the obligation of the husband to ensure that he, not


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the mother, to take the responsibility for arranging childcare. Of course, parentsnaturally take joint responsibility but the practical interpretation of this obligationmeans that most Muslim Arab women have nannies to assist them with child rearing.But for most this is not economically viable and in some cases it is only now becomingacceptable for someone other than a family member to look after your child. Of course

the result is that every family has only one breadwinner. With the changing socio-economic environment it has become imperative for both spouses to work and womenalso want to work, even if the primary objective is not to add to the household budget.

The emerging independence and assertion of autonomy by Muslim women has meantthat she is no longer the sole or primary carer of the children.

But of, course, most expatriate women in Qatar are not faced with that dilemma. Anumber of women who have moved with their husbands and families to Qatar decidedto take a break from their careers and stay at home with the bambinos. Sound good?Right? Wrong! It is hard to be at home with any number of small children a million

miles away from grandparents, uncles and aunties. So whats an expat wife to do? I

have decided it is a mothers moral responsibility to take some of those hard earnedtax free dollars and fly the grandparents in for two weeks while I and the dear husband

jet off to Bali!

*Names have been changed in the interests of safety. Mine!

how to raise happy kids_communal child rearing_general

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