how to raise a man

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8/2/2019 How to Raise a Man http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/how-to-raise-a-man 1/4 How to Raise a Man March 12, 2012 | From theTrumpet.com There’s a unique creature in my home. What to do? By Joel Hilliker I thought I had learned a thing or two about child rearing after bringing up two daughters for several years. Then my wife and I had a son. Noah is a unique creature. His sisters were fairly quiet and conservative in their play. He is a wrecking ball with lungs. His sisters like to dress things, decorate things, set things up, stack things on top of other things. He sees a stack of things as an invitation for demolition. He likes to kick and punch. He enjoys collisions. Somehow even his dinner plate looks to him like an artillery range. “Ah-h-h-h-h-h  — boosh!” he says while dropping his carrot into his potato. We didn’t teach him these things. We are trying to teach him civilized table manners, and respect for other people’s things a nd for the structural vulnerability of the walls in our home. But the urge to dominate, to subdue, to conquer, he’s got in spades. This is fascinating to me, for a couple of reasons. One is that some delusional academics seem to think there are no inborn psychological differences between boys and girls  — only what society teaches them. Absolute poppycock. Without prodding or guidance, from very early on my daughters would pick up a doll and begin cradling it and cooing to it. My son pulls the head off to see what’s inside. More im  portantly, I’m fascinated because what I’m seeing with my own eyes backs up a truth revealed in the Bible— a truth with staggering implications as to the responsibility it places on me. General society’s complete ignorance of this truth is creating a mess of problems with the way we rear our boys. In their early years they yearn to do battle in the arena; they are keen to exercise their strength  — and often in undisciplined and damaging ways. Society fears this. We are deeply ambivalent about masculine energy. Our female-dominated early education seeks to squash it. We embrace the convenience of indulging our sons’ natural enthrallment with inert entertainment; after all, if the boy is absorbed in a video game, he’s not whacking his little brother with a bat. Without considering the consequences, we reward passivity; it is less alarming than ferocity. Then we watch  — as if helpless  — while our sons grow self-indulgent, lazy, soft. Bit by bit, the stuff that made them different from their sisters becomes muted, stifled. Or it gets swallowed whole. That we do this is perfectly understandable. But it’s a tragic mistake. The fact is, there is something valuable in our sons’ assertive boyishness. It needs to be shaped and guided; it needs to be refined and balanced. But woe be to us  — and to them  — if it gets crushed. Why? Because they are destined to be leaders. Genesis 1:26-27 say that God created human beings male and female. The rest of the Bible explains why. Clearly, men and women were engineered with obvious physical differences  —but that’s not all. As I wrote in a previous article, God also designed emotional and psychological differences  — and for an important reason: because He intended men and women to fulfill complementary, but decidedly different roles within the family and within society.

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Page 1: How to Raise a Man

8/2/2019 How to Raise a Man

http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/how-to-raise-a-man 1/4

How to Raise a Man

March 12, 2012 | From theTrumpet.com

There’s a unique creature in my home. What to do? 

By Joel Hilliker 

I thought I had learned a thing or two about child rearing after bringing up two daughters for several years. Then my wife and I had a son.

Noah is a unique creature. His sisters were fairly quiet and conservative in their play. He is a wrecking ball with lungs.

His sisters like to dress things, decorate things, set things up, stack things on top of other things. He sees a stack of things as an invitation for

demolition. He likes to kick and punch. He enjoys collisions.

Somehow even his dinner plate looks to him like an artillery range. “Ah-h-h-h-h-h — boosh!” he says while dropping his carrot into his potato.

We didn’t teach him these things. We are trying to teach him civilized table manners, and respect for other people’s things a nd for the structural

vulnerability of the walls in our home. But the urge to dominate, to subdue, to conquer, he’s got in spades.

This is fascinating to me, for a couple of reasons. One is that some delusional academics seem to think there are no inborn psychological

differences between boys and girls — only what society teaches them. Absolute poppycock. Without prodding or guidance, from very early on my

daughters would pick up a doll and begin cradling it and cooing to it. My son pulls the head off to see what’s inside.

More im portantly, I’m fascinated because what I’m seeing with my own eyes backs up a truth revealed in the Bible— a truth with staggering

implications as to the responsibility it places on me.

General society’s complete ignorance of this truth is creating a mess of problems with the way we rear our boys. In their early years they yearn to

do battle in the arena; they are keen to exercise their strength — and often in undisciplined and damaging ways. Society fears this. We are deeply

ambivalent about masculine energy. Our female-dominated early education seeks to squash it. We embrace the convenience of indulging our

sons’ natural enthrallment with inert entertainment; after all, if the boy is absorbed in a video game, he’s not whacking his little brother with a

bat. Without considering the consequences, we reward passivity; it is less alarming than ferocity.

Then we watch — as if helpless — while our sons grow self-indulgent, lazy, soft. Bit by bit, the stuff that made them different from their sisters

becomes muted, stifled. Or it gets swallowed whole.

That we do this is perfectly understandable. But it’s a tragic mistake.

The fact is, there is something valuable in our sons’ assertive boyishness. It needs to be shaped and guided; it needs to be refined and balanced.

But woe be to us — and to them — if it gets crushed.

Why? Because they are destined to be leaders.

Genesis 1:26-27 say that God created human beings male and female. The rest of the Bible explains why. Clearly, men and women were

engineered with obvious physical differences —but that’s not all. As I wrote in a previous article, God also designed emotional and psychological

differences — and for an important reason: because He intended men and women to fulfill complementary, but decidedly different roles within the

family and within society.

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Before we can prepare our sons to fulfill the role for which God created them, we need a clear concept of just what that role is. We need a vision

of godly masculinity so we can measure our sons’ behavior against that— to know what needs to change and what needs to stay, what needs to be

shaped and developed. Raising a man requires knowing what the boy is to become.

While the basic principles of child rearing are the same for boys and girls, each must be taught the respective jobs they will fulfill in a future

family. Boys require a different mindset, a different set of skills. As they grow, our sons must gain a sense of their uniqueness — not in a way that

makes them awkward around girls and women, but in a way that gradually shows their God-given responsibilities toward them.

Boys have a natural tendency to want to conquer — to storm the backyard and erect a barricade. We want to encourage that, not squelch it. We

want our boys to be adventurous, courageous, visionary. After all, they were created to exercise dominion over the Earth and to subdue it (verse

28). Thus, we need to show them how to exert their strength in a godly, constructive way.

Teach the boy to do things. Don’t let him stand awkwardly by as his friends dive into experiences like jumping in the pool or riding horses. Don’t

let him sit on the sidelines during an activity. Get him a dog and show him how to train it. Teach him to use things, to make things, to plant

things, to manipulate his environment in a proactive, positive way.

God began the creation of human beings with the man, and immediately gave him work to do (Genesis 2:7, 15). God gave man physical things to

teach him good stewardship — taking care of the blessings we receive. Further, after Adam sinned, God actually made his workload harder  

(Genesis 3:17-19), because physical labor is crucial to building character. God knows that when everything is handed to us, we just don’t do well;

He wants man to earn his bread through the sweat of his brow. And the Bible is clear in its command to men that they provide for their families

(e.g. 1 Timothy 5:8).

Parents: Teach your boy how to work. The lessons Adam learned by having to “dress” and “keep” the Garden are lessons all boys need: to

appreciate the value in hard work  — to be patient and wait for fruits to show — to have realistic expectations of success — to enjoy labor. A boy

needs to experience getting worn out, and having to push himself when he feels like quitting.

Give him chores. Boys tend to be lazy; it’s a parental duty to help them overcome that. Eventually, your son will need to get and hold a job

outside the home. He needs a steady progression of duties and opportunities that teach him to work, to be responsible, to be self-motivated.

When your son understands the value of hard work, he will know the value of an honest day’s pay. That provides another invalu able opportunity:

guiding him on how to save, to pay his own way, to spend wisely, to be generous to others, to give back to God. These are crucial habits for a

man; instill them when he is a boy.

The Genesis account reveals another invaluable truth: From the beginning, Adam was not meant to be alone. He needed a companion, a helper.

He was incomplete without Eve, and she was incomplete without him (Genesis 2:18-24). To ensure order and organization, God placed the man

in a leadership role over the woman (1 Corinthians 11:3).

Our sons were created to become leaders of women and children. We must keep this in mind as we work with them.

Teaching that role begins with the relationship between Dad and Mom. Our sons need a strong example of a godly marriage. They need to see

proper masculine leadership in action —a man who leads his family in love. A boy is going to be drawn to emulate his father’s strong, manly

example.

A father must ensure his son treats his mother with respect. God commands a son to honor and obey his mother (Exodus 20:12; Ephesians 6:1).

When a boy learns this early, he begins to appreciate that men must always have a sense of responsibility and duty toward women. This makes it

more natural to later step into the responsibility of leading, protecting and providing for a family of his own. A son who despises his mother is a

fool (Proverbs 15:20). If he develops a confrontational relationship with her, he learns to be more competitive and combative around women. On

the other hand, a boy who honors his mom will grow up to honor his wife (1 Peter 3:7).

In preparing your son to fulfill his incredible role, pay close attention to how you discipline him. Do not browbeat him or put him down. Don’t

instill cowering submission in him. Instill godly confidence in him — and godly humility. How? With lots of encouragement. Encourage his

strengths. Praise his successes. Show joy in his accomplishments.

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Train your son to accept responsibility for himself. Teach him to own up to his actions and not make excuses. Don’t let him b e weaselly to try to

protect his selfish masculine pride. Don’t let him shift responsibility or blame and flee the burdens of leadership.

Being a leader requires making difficult, unpopular decisions. We all tend to be people-pleasers. Your son needs people skills — but he also needs

the courage to stand alone. Teach him to obey God’s definition of right and wrong, and to stand against the crowd when he has to. This requires

courage, and you must instill it in him.

Help him overcome self-centeredness. Encourage him to seize opportunities to do things that benefit others at the cost of benefiting himself.

Teach him the sensitivity and magnanimity to identify the needs of others. Help him to see the big picture. Show him how to see things from

God’s perspective.

Build his physical and mental strength. If you can, instruct him how to change a tire, how to fix the car, how to do home repairs; help him learn to

thrive outdoors, to camp, hunt, fish.

Most importantly, spend time with him. The father who shows his son how to change the oil gives him a skill — but the more valuable thing is that

he is with the boy.

This world needs strong, masculine boys who will become strong, masculine men. The main way we as parents can fill that need is by helping

our sons embrace their destiny as leaders. That means giving them a good example, training and teaching, discipline, increasing levels of 

responsibility — and plenty of encouragement.

Your boy needs you. Teach him to be a man. • 

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Make a Comment | View All Comments (25) 

Featured Comments:Another superb article Joel. This is the kind of article any man who has sons needs to read if he

has any doubts about what kind of upbringing he needs for his sons. Thanks a million!

 Michael Williams — Ohio, USA

Wow! What an awesome article! I also had two daughters before having a son and the differencein them was great! This has shed so much light on how they are so different and it is sometimes

overlooked… Thank you for such wonderful insight.  Ashley —  Alabama

Excellent! There is so much in your article. It demands attention to each point in detail. Some of those points are very crucial, God help us to get it right.

Colleen Winters — FL USA

Dear Mr. Hilliker, While I was reading this article, I could not help to think of how I was raised.Coming from a dysfunctional home, it has always been hard to become the man that would be

pleasing to God. I have a good relationship with my father, but his example of being a good male

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role model is lacking to say the least. I am still trying to become a better man or man-up if you

will. I think I have made great strides in the past few years, but there is still much I need to learnthat I wish I would have been taught at an earlier age. I hope that families who read this article

really take it to heart and understand the importance of a strong God fearing family. Thank you

very much for this article.

 Joshua — 

Oklahoma/USAMr Hilliker, thank you. My husband often regales me with stories of his childhood and the antics

that he got up to. My typical response is “don’t you go telling our daughter those stories”,

however, if God ever does bless us with a son, I hope he listens to and emulates the actions of hisfather.

 EM  —  Australia

Dear Mr. Hilliker,

Your article struck a nerve. You have such a wonderful understanding of family and every one’splace in it. Both myself and my wife found your article to be like a cold splash of water,

refreshing. Our boys are to be leaders, teachers, protectors and we have the honor of instilling

those values in them. Thank you for the reminder (and correction). We needed it. Rohann — South Africa

“It is not in the still calm of life, or the repose of a pacific station, that great characters are

formed… the habits of a vigorous mind are formed contending with difficulties. All history will

convince you of this, and that wisdom and penetration are the fruit of experience, not the lessons

of retirement and leisure. Great necessities call out great virtues. When a mind is raised, andanimated by scenes that engage the heart, then those qualities which would otherwise lay

dormant, wake into life and form the character of the hero and the statesman.” ~Abigail Adams

to her son, John Quincy

Your article on raising future men brings to my mind, once again, the examples set by John and

Abigail Adams and the character they emphasized and deemed vital for raising their own future

leaders. It is evident that they took personal responsibility in the character development of their

children, specifically their sons. They encouraged the development of the mind, the ability tostaunchly face difficulty, as well as discouraging the inclination to be drawn to a life of 

“retirement” or “leisure”. When considering a boy’s God-given opportunities to lead and

provide, we, as parents, must realize the complicated endeavor we have before us.

What better way to serve God than to provide him with more godly laborers? Men who will

follow Him, love Him, and serve Him… Having two young boys in our household, I can reallyappreciate your last two columns. This topic is in the forefront of my mind — daily.

Christy — U.S.

I was taught how to train horses and dogs in my youth, by an uncle. The number one rule is to

never allow a wrong behavior to settle because it will become permanent. Simply stated, do notreward wrong behavior because if you do, then you will get more wrong behavior. After that

primary lesson, whether a person learns to be President of the USA or a janitor, he will be good

at it.

dbnunn — USA