How to Pretend Like You Like

FootballBy Kimberly Irwin

Pick a team, preferably one that the people you hang out with support.

This will make it easier to be a fake-fan because you can ride on the

sincere-fan’s coattails.

Do a little bit of brief research on the team. Memorize the star player’s name and then

namedrop your heart out.

Figure out when your team plays. Mention this future game to someone that you know is a fan and are trying to impress. Example: “So the game this weekend, huh? Are you

excited?” At this point, if he or she is a true fan, they will probably add some sort of

commentary about the team or game. You can now use this line on someone else.

Buy a shirt or jersey for this team. If you pick a jersey, pick one of the most valuable players’ and be aware that this might spark conversation with strangers. Memorize some facts that you can spit out about your player if this situation arises, or just smile, mumble something inaudible, and run away.

Before a game, figure out who the opposing team’s best players are. During the game, talk about how much those players suck. Blame everything that seems to go wrong in the game on them.

On game day, find out where other people are planning to

watch the game and make plans to watch with them.

Be sure to wear your shirt, jersey, or at least the team’s colors to the event. If you’re going to the actual game and are feeling extra spunky, paint your face. If watching at someone’s house, bring some sort of appetizer and/or beer to show how committed you are to the event. Possible appetizers: wings, queso, sliders, anything fatty and unhealthy.

Make a status and/or tweet during the game. It can be something as simple as “LET’S GO [your team]!” or something more complex if you’re feeling particularly confident. Instagram a picture of you watching the game and/or the food you’re eating.

During the game, gauge your reactions according to those of the

people around you. Mimic their rollercoaster of emotions; don’t be

afraid to act bipolar and violent.

Keep all of your statements vague. Asking others questions is an easy way to make conversation without having to really say anything. Say things like “Who do you think is going to win?” “We’re going to win!” or anything else that has to do with winning.

Act like your entire livelihood depends on whether or not your team wins the

game. If you lose, change out of your team’s clothes and then be in a terrible

mood for the rest of the day. If you win, text sassy things to everyone that you

know that is a fan of the team you beat.

The End