how to manage anger

8/12/2019 How to Manage Anger

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Helping Your Child Learn to Manage Anger

All kids -- like all humans -- get angry. Anger is a defense against deeper feelings of fear,

hurt, disappointment, and pain. When those feelings are too devastating, we automatically

move into anger to keep ourselves from feeling so much pain. We mobilize against the

perceived threat by attacking. (The best defense is a good offense.

!ometimes attacking makes sense, but only when

there is actually a threat. That"s rare. #ost of the time when kids get angry, they want to

attack their little brother (who broke their treasured memento, their parents (who disciplined

them $unfairly$, their teacher (who embarrassed them or the playground bully (who scared

them.

When kids live in a home where anger is handled in a healthy way, they generally learn to

manage their anger constructively. That means%

*Controlling aggressive impulses- &y the time they"re in kindergarten, kids should be able to

tolerate the flush of adrenaline and other $fight$ chemicals in the body without acting on

them by clobbering someone. As we accept our child"s anger and remain calm, she lays down

the neural pathways -- and learns the emotional skills -- to calm down without hurting herself,

others, or property.

*Acknowledging the more threatening feelings under the anger- 'nce the child can let

himself eperience his grief over the broken treasure, his hurt that his mother was unfair, his

shame when he didn"t know the answer in class, or his fear when his classmate threatened

him, he can move on. )e no longer needs his anger to defend against these feelings, so theanger evaporates. &y contrast, if we don"t help kids get to the true source of their anger, they


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will *ust keep losing their tempers, without solving the underlying problem.

*Constructive Problem-Solving - The goal is for your child to use the anger as an impetus to

change things as necessary so the situation won"t be repeated. This may include moving his

treasures out of little brother"s reach, or getting parental help to deal with the bully. +t may

also include acknowledging his own contribution to the problem, so that he resolves to do abetter *ob following his parents" rules, or to come to class more prepared.

'bviously, this kind of problem solving doesn"t happen until after the child has calmed down.

And it takes years of parental guidance for kids to learn these skills. &y the time kids are in

kindergarten, though, they should have developed the neural pathways to calm themselves so

that they can control their aggressive impulses even when they"re very upset. +f parents are

able to help kids feel safe enough to epress their anger and eplore the feelings underneath,

kids are able to increasingly move past their anger into constructive problem-solving during

the grade-school years.

)ow can parents help kids learn to manage their anger

1. Remember that all feelings are allowed. 'nly actions need to be limited.

. Set limits. Allowing feelings does not mean we allow destructive actions. ids should

never be allowed to hit others, including their parents. When they do, they are always asking

for us to set limits and help them contain their anger. !ay "You can be as mad as you want

but you cannot hit. I see how mad you are, and I will keep us all safe."

!ome children really need to struggle against something when they"re angry. +t"s fine to let

them struggle against your holding arms, if that"s what they want, but take off your glasses,

and don"t let yourself get hurt.

!imilarly, don"t let kids break things in their fury. That *ust adds to their guilt and sense that

they"re a bad person. our *ob is to serve as a safe $container$ and $witness,$ to listen to what

your child is telling you.

!. "ever send a child awa# to $calm down$b# herself./emember that kids need your love

most when they $deserve it least.$ +nstead of a $time out,$ which gives kids the message that

they"re all alone with these big, scary feelings, try a $time in,$ during which you stay with

your child and help him move through his feelings. ou"ll be amazed at how your child

begins to show more self control when you adopt this practice, because he feels less helplessand alone.

%. Sta# close and connected when #our child is upset. +f you know what"s going on,

acknowledge it% "You are so angry that your tower fell." +f you don"t know, say what you see%

$You are crying now."

0ive eplicit permission% "It's ok, everyone needs to cry (or gets mad, or feels very sad)

sometimes. I will stay right here while you get all your sads and mads out." +f you can touch

him, do so to maintain the connection%"ere's my hand on your back. You're safe. I'm

here."


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+f he yells at you to go away, say% "You want me to go away. I will step back like this. !ut I

am right here. I won't leave you alone with these big scary feelings."

&. Sta# calm. elling at an angry child reinforces what she"s already feeling, which is that she

is in danger. (ou may not see why she would think she"s in danger when she *ust socked her

little brother, but a child who is lashing out is a child in the grip of deep fear. !o your angerwill only make the storm worse. our *ob is to restore calm, because kids can only learn and

understand how to $do better$ when they"re calm.

+f you are in the habit of yelling at your kids, know that you are modeling behavior that your

child will adopt by the time she"s a teen, if not well before.

ids need to learn from you that anger and other upsetting feelings are not so scary as they

seem -- after all, #om isn"t scared of them. our presence helps them feel safe, which helps

them develop the neural pathways in the brain that shut off the $fight or flight$ response and

allow the frontal corte, the $reasoning brain,$ to take over. That"s how kids learn to soothe

themselves.

'. (ive #our child wa#s to manage his angr# impulses in the moment. #ost kids resist

punching the pillows on the couch, which feels artificial to them, but many love having a

punching bag to beat up. ou can teach your child to stomp his feet when he"s mad. With a

child who is a bit older, you can suggest that she draw or write on paper what they are angry

about, and then fiercely rip it into tiny pieces. Teach her to use her $1A2!3$ button by

breathing in for four counts through her nose, and then out for eight through her mouth. 0rab

two s4uishy balls5 hand her one, and demonstrate working out annoyance on the s4uishy ball.

When your child is calm, make a list with her of constructive ways to handle emotion, and

post it on the refrigerator. 6et her do the writing, or add pictures, so she feels some ownership

of the list. &ut also model using it when you"re mad% "I'm getting annoyed, so I'm checking

the list. h, I think I'll put on some music and dance out my frustration#"

). elp #our child be aware of her $warning signs.$ 'nce kids are in the full flush of

adrenaline and the other $fight or flight$ neurotransmitters, they think it"s an emergency, and

they"re fighting for their lives. At that point, managing the angry impulses is almost

impossible, and all we can offer kids is a safe haven while the storm sweeps through them.

&ut if you can help your child notice when she"s getting annoyed and learn to calm herself,

she"ll have many fewer tantrums. When she"s little, you"ll have to know her cues and take

preventive action -- offering some snuggle time, or getting her out of the grocery store. Asshe gets older, you can point out to her "$weetie, you're getting upset. %e can make this

better. &et's all calm down and figure this out together."

+. elp #our child develop emotional intelligence. ids who are comfortable with their

feelings manage their anger constructively. There"s a whole section on this website on

emotional intelligence.

!ome kids, unfortunately, don"t feel safe epressing their uncomfortable feelings. !ometimes

they have parents who discount or even ridicule their fears or disappointments. !ometimes

they have been sent to their rooms to $calm down$ and never received the help they needed to

handle their upsets. !ometimes the pain or grief *ust feels too overwhelming and they fend itoff to survive. They try hard to repress their fears, *ealousies, and anieties, but repressed
http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/raise-great-kids/emotionally-intelligent-childhttp://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/raise-great-kids/emotionally-intelligent-child


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how to manage anger

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