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© 2016 Lisa Brown & Associates

The Courage to Win® in Relationships How to Make Yourself Irresistible

Transcript PDF

By Lisa Lane Brown


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How to Make Yourself Irresistible: Mental Toughness Training for Relationships

On April 28, 1945, Adolf Hitler married his long time mistress, Ava Braun. That same night, Hitler tested out a cyanide pill on his pet dog, Blondi, because Soviet troops were closing in on his underground bunker. Just two days later, on April 30, Hitler and Braun went into a private room and took their own lives with the cyanide tablets. Braun could have become rich by writing her memoirs, but she didn’t want to live without Hitler. No one is inherently unlovable or unattractive

The fact that there was a person so in love with Adolf Hitler that she preferred to kill herself than be without him, shows that there is no such thing as a person who is inherently unlovable.

People do not gravitate towards you because of your qualities, personality or character; they gravitate towards you based on how they feel in your presence. This is why you can be madly in love with a person one day and divorce the very same person five years later.

Years ago, a sports reporter accosted golf legend Jack Nicklaus and told him that golf was primarily a game of luck, not skill. Jack said, “Yeah, and the funny thing is, the more I practice, the luckier I get.”

Just like in business, wealth, and sports, your success in relationships will be determined by your knowledge and skill in them. If you want to trigger love, friendship, or attraction in another person, you can learn the principles of successful relationships; and, if you follow them, people will give you the love, respect, and appreciation you deserve. But if you violate them, people will avoid you, no matter how attractive you are on paper.

This is exciting. It means that you never have to secretly fear that YOU are unlovable. By learning these principles, you can be successful with anyone, including the people you’ve failed with in the past.

I need you to open your mind today that at least 50% of your relationship problems is due to you--either your lack of knowledge of these principles or your ability to put them into practice.

The one area we must win in is relationships. Above all else, what we are really seeking is love…there is much suppressed sadness in the heart over relationship hurts.


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It follows that our biggest fear is the fear of rejection. This is the fear reality T.V. shows like Survivor have tapped into: none of us wants to be voted off the island.

What is love? Most people define love as a feeling. I disagree. I define--romantic love, friendship love, and family love—as a connection to another person that grows or diminishes over time depending on how we treat the other person. We grow love in three main ways: 1. Acceptance is your ability to be OK with the reality of the other person, “warts and all.” You may not like everything about this person, but you don’t resist his flaws.

We express acceptance with:

Smiles, hugs, compliments, listening, laughing, eye contact, verbal agreement, and time together.

The absence of rejection. You do not criticize, insult, ignore, avoid,

interrupt, yell, argue, or show negative body language to another. Here is acceptance according to pre-schoolers. “When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouths.” – Billy, age 4. “Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.” Mark, age 6. “Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and my Daddy are like that.” Emily, age 8.

2. Compassion is your desire to eliminate the suffering of another. When you are compassionate, you have genuine empathy for this person. We express compassion by:

Listening; Imagining what the other person is feeling; and Reducing his suffering by offering money, help, and sympathy; or Sharing his joy with gifts, recognition, and appreciation.


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“During my piano recital, I was on stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my Daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.” – Cindy, age 8. A four year-old-child whose next door neighbor was an elderly man who had just lost his wife. When the child saw the man cry, the little boy went over into the man’s porch, climbed on top of the man’s lap and just sat there. When the boy’s mother asked him what he’d said to the neighbour, the little boy said, “Nothing, I just helped him cry.” 3. Generosity is the ability to place another person’s needs above your own when appropriate. You do this by: Trying activities that appeal to others, including restaurants, movies,

sports, and hobbies. Giving others the spotlight in conversation by soliciting opinions, listening,

giving recognition, being agreeable, and trying others’ suggestions. Doing your fair share of work, housework, and child care for co-workers,

family, and friends. Generosity is largely misunderstood in our culture. Most people are generous when they want to win another’s acceptance. When you are truly generous, you give out of love, not out of a desire for acceptance. When love motivates your generosity, it nurtures the relationship. When the fear of rejection motivates your generosity, it creates resentment in you and harms the relationship. Here is generosity according to pre-schoolers: “Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening the presents and listen.” –Bobby, age 7 “When my grandma got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandpa does it for her now all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too.” – Rebecca, age 8 “Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.” Chrissy, age 6.

If you review a relationship in light of the 3 elements of love, you will see exactly where it is ‘love-starved’…you will also see that we reap what we sow in relationships.


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Stop Your Divorce

A few years ago while surfing the internet I found the story of a man whose wife was coming home every day saying, “I don’t love you any more. I want a divorce.” Of course, he was very upset.

He sought help from a therapist with 45 years’ experience on re-uniting couples.1 The therapist told him exactly what to say the next time his wife did that.

The next day, the client called back his therapist, very excited. He said: “She came home and again said that she didn’t love me and she wanted a divorce. I told her the three things you told me to say and then stayed quiet: ‘You’re right. It will never work. I would prefer to stay married, but you’re not happy. I’ll look for an apartment next week.’”2

She got up, walked around the house for about five minutes, and then returned to the bedroom and said, “You know, I think this marriage CAN work. And I want it to work.”

Why This Approach Worked

You’re probably wondering what he said to her. Here’s what it was.

1. “You’re right. It’s not going to work because you’re so unhappy.” The husband agreed with her instead of arguing. Most people relax their position when you agree with them and defend their position when you argue with them. Before this, he used to argue with her and tell her all the reasons why they should stay together. Now, although he has sped up the legal divorce, the emotional divorce has come to a grinding halt. Now she is finally open to talking to him about why she wants the divorce. He listened to her, which gave her a feeling of being understood.

2. “I would prefer to stay married to you, but I see it’s not what you want.” He told her that he preferred to stay married to her, placing the responsibility for the divorce solely on her. Since there is usually a lot of good in a marriage, people don’t want to be completely responsible for ending them.

3. “I’ll find an apartment next week and move out.” This shows confidence. It’s an attitude of, “I prefer chocolate, but I’ll take maple walnut.” It’s, “You’re cute, and I prefer you, but I’ll be Ok.” He showed her he wasn’t afraid to be rejected or alone, which demonstrated his personal confidence. Confidence is universally attractive, and fear is universally unattractive.

1MacDonald, Homer. Stop Your Divorce, 1988.


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Inner vs. Outer Game

The Stop Your Divorce story shows that there is an inner and outer game of relationships. Your outer game is your behaviour: what to say and do when she says, “I don’t love you any more, and I want a divorce.”

The inner game refers to your emotions, thoughts, and attitudes: your fear, your hope, your confidence.

Your outer and inner games work together to bring you success. In Stop Your Divorce, the husband didn’t know what to say to his wife, and because of that, his inner game – his confidence – was weak.

Let’s start with the fun stuff: the outer game of relationships.

OUTER GAME OF RELATIONSHIPS The #1 Relationship Mistake There is a serious relationship mistake that blocks another person’s connection to you and prevents him or her from expressing the love, respect, and appreciation you want. I want you to start by drawing a circle on a piece of paper in front of you. Next, put the person’s initials you would like more love or respect from inside the circle. Put your initials outside the circle. The #1 relationship mistake is to get in the circle of another person. When you are outside the circle, this person will connect to his love, respect, and appreciation for you. He’ll pursue you for time together, be compassionate towards you, and place his needs above yours when appropriate. I call this the #1 mistake because when you are in the circle, you cannot get another person’s acceptance; in some cases, you will be barely able to get his attention. Staying outside the circle is like getting to first base. Without it, getting compassion (them to care about how you feel) and generosity (to put their needs ahead of yours) is like climbing Mt. Everest buck naked without a Sherpa -- extremely difficult. How to Know When You Are Inside the Circle: The Pursuer’s Experience You’ll know when you’re inside the circle because your experience is one of wanting more: you want more time, more help, consideration, affection, listening, approval, and respect from the other person. The only thing you want less of is rejection. You have unconsciously become the pursuer in the relationship, pressuring this person for these things without knowing it.


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If you continue to pursue without success, you’ll feel frustrated, rejected, and abandoned.

Consciously and unconsciously, you will blame the person for not responding to you. Usually, you’ll escalate your pursuit in an attempt to get the respect, time, or affection you seek.

Here’s how it shows up in your outer game: you will be super-nice, super-affectionate, or super-accommodating in an attempt to win over the person you are pursuing.

Every now and again, when frustrated, you’ll be hostile to him--either in your mind or your words. You may criticize him for being insensitive, unappreciative, pre-occupied, or not giving enough. You may become intimidating, lay guilt trips; you may even point out how terrific you are: “You don’t appreciate me.”

Remember how I said that love is a connection that grows or diminishes depending on how you treat a person? These actions make the person withhold his approval or love more, and the cycle of pursuit repeats itself—only faster this time.

In the inner game, your personal confidence will take a hit. Gradually, you’ll realize that this person is not responding to you. And, since you view yourself as attractive and nice, you will be very confused about why you’re getting this rejection.

The Way Out

There is a way out of this cycle, and that is to get outside the circle. You start by realizing how you got inside the circle in the first place.

Psychological Leaning

We get inside another person’s circle by leaning on him psychologically.2

You lean on someone psychologically when you use your connection with him to gain self-acceptance. On some level, you want this person to lift you up psychologically by approving of you. Here are the three ways we lean on others:

1. Over-Pursuing

Sometimes, we lean on people by over-pursing them. Here are a few examples.


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Personal Relationships

You call too often (and don’t realize it). You wait around for him or her instead of making your own plans. You call and tell him/her you’re lonely or depressed. You agree to spend time with the person when it’s inconvenient for

you. You are having a bad time with the person, but instead of politely

ending your time with him or her, you stay in the situation. You assure the person your cell phone is on, just in case he/she wants

to call you. You ask for affection and give it even when the person isn’t being

affectionate. You may even try harder: “Do you want a back rub?” You stop focusing on your life and become focused on the other

person’s life instead. You ask for re-assurance about your personality, looks, etc. You give the person over-the-top affection. “You’re the most

magnificent woman I've ever seen, and I can’t believe how lucky I am.” Work Relationships You regularly drop by uninvited to another person’s work station – to

socialize or discuss your day You ask people for unnecessary meetings or phone calls to discuss your

work, priorities, or ideas Pretending to ask your supervisors for “direction” when what you are

really seeking is approval and confirmation of your current path Taking time in meetings to tell stories and jokes; generally hogging the

spotlight with unneeded conversation Over-socializing with people you supervise (they literally cannot reject

you) Offering unsolicited opinions or advice to people in your work

environment 2. Over-Talking

The second way we lean on people psychologically is by over-talking. Most of us talk too much and cannot control our need to talk.

We also talk too much about ourselves. This says, ‘Please give me your attention and approval.’ We all want to be someone; we all want to feel special. These feelings are natural, but they are also the prime motivation for over-talking.


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Why Over-Talking Repels People Over-talking repels people because of our motivation to over-talk. We talk too much when we are seeking attention or acceptance, trying to be cool, trying to impress, and desiring praise.3

Subconsciously, we are trying to gain energy from other people. This is why it is so tempting to over-talk…and why others avoid us when we do. Visualize James Bond Agent 007, for a moment. Can you imagine him over-talking?

Here are some classic examples of over-talking (and, by the way, they are verbatim quotes):

Preening your ego: “I don’t know if I can make the meeting. I've been asked to evaluate the National Volleyball team, so I’m going to be busy in October.” “They are restructuring the company and I’m qualified for so many positions they don’t know what to do with me.” “I already maxed out on my bonus for the year and it’s only January.”

Talking to entertain yourself (and boring others): “I had a salad for lunch today…” “Last night I dreamed…” “I learned something fascinating about my palm pilot today…”

Talking down to people by letting them know you have superior experiences, knowledge, wealth, relationships, or skills. This is a combative attempt to make others feel inferior: “You play ringette? I’m on the National team.” “Have you seen my new Lexus convertible?” “You just got back from Vegas? I've been there many times.” “You work for Shell? I know the President.”

Complaining, gossiping, and talking endlessly about how you’ve been victimized, and being overly dramatic: “I can’t believe he didn’t talk to me. What a jerk!” “After everything I've done for her, she didn’t even send me a birthday

gift.” “She asked me not to smoke in her house! The nerve of her! She smoked for

10 years!”


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If you want to attract people to you, you need to CONTROL your need to talk…and quality of your conversation. 3. Being Controlling The third way we get inside the circle is by being controlling. The most common ways we do this are 1) acting cold and victimized, 2) complaining and criticizing others, and 3] actually telling others what to do. Acting Cold and Victimized We act cold and victimized when we think someone is not giving us the respect, time, or affection we think we deserve. The mindset we have is: “I just want you to put in a little effort” and “You don’t appreciate me.” Here are some examples: At Home You complain about his lack of consideration. You lay guilt trips: “You should have called.” You get disgruntled when the person wants to do something other than

spend time with you. You check up on him and ask him to account for his time when he’s not

with you. (As opposed to not answering your phone and doing something more interesting).

You complain to the person that he isn’t as attentive as you would like him to be.

You imply that everyone comes before you – friends, work, etc.

At Work

You complain about aspects of your job, even though you were well aware of them when you accepted the position.

You lay guilt trips about your workload and role, implying that the company is exploiting you.

When another employee has extended courtesies, you feel jealous and complain or gossip.

When asked to do menial tasks, you assume it means your supervisor thinks you can’t handle senior responsibilities and you say so.

Acting victimized says, “Please show me I’m worthwhile.” It also says, “I want

you to conduct this relationship my way.”


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Criticizing and Complaining We criticize people in an effort to control them and do things our way. Here are some typical examples: “I think the direction we’re taking is too radical. Head office will never

approve these advertising campaigns.” “Why don’t you get a job at the golf course this summer? It’s better than being on MSN all day.” “You’re too hard on the brakes when you drive. We’re going to have to get

them replaced every 3 weeks.” “There are too many people with overlapping responsibilities in this

project. The right hand doesn’t know what the left hand is doing.” “Are we really going to see you in a dress? You haven’t worn one since the

5th grade.” “Why didn’t you come to the hospital without me having to ask? How could

you treat me with such disrespect?” “I can’t believe you got upset about not getting room service—your parents

must have completely spoiled you.” Criticizing is an aggressive way of communicating that says, “You’re not Ok the way you are. But, if you do it my way, I will approve of you.” Everyone hates criticism, because it triggers deep-seated fears of rejection and shame in them. Telling Others What to Do Sometimes we act controlling by giving unsolicited advice, trying to control group situations, or overtly pressuring people to change. For example: “I’m going to send out an itinerary for the company junket. We definitely should go on a tour of the oil sands.” “You’re eating M & M’s like they’re peanuts! I was reading an article the other day and I think you should start making your own juice. It’s the best way to get sugar in a healthy way.” “Your office is not arranged very efficiently. You should get rid of the two filing cabinets and move a chair in that space.”


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“You need to start saying No to your mother. It’s making you resentful to look after her all the time.” “We’re all going to play cards after dinner.” “Please tell me you’re not going to wear a veil at your wedding. Veils are so outdated and patriarchal.” No matter how attractive, intelligent, or nice you are, if you over-pursue, over-talk, or act controlling, you will get in the circle of the people around you, making them want to vote you off the island. Here’s why: Why Psychological Leaning Repels People

Psychological leaning has its roots in unmet needs. What’s happening is that you want approval or love so much from this person that you’re ignoring his needs and his experience of the conversation.

There’s a book called Silent Power by Stuart Wilde and it has a very powerful quote about how psychological leaning affects people. Here it is:

When you lean psychologically or emotionally on people or towards them, it makes others feel uncomfortable. They resent the weight you are laying on them, and they will react by denying you. They don’t like your self-indulgence, and your insecurity reminds them of their own vulnerability; it rattles them. Animosity builds. Consciously and subliminally, they sense the weakness your leaning creates. It robs them of energy and crowds them; they have to buy into your needs and emotions when they would prefer to concentrate on their own. They don’t like the imposition, and often they react negatively, even if they don’t say so. Alternatively, they accept the imposition of your weight, but then they feel they can take advantage of you emotionally, sexually, or financially.


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They will feel empowered to use you or deprecate you or discredit you in some way. (Wilde, Stuart. Silent Power, 1966).

Psychological leaning also violates a basic law of attraction in life:

Any person pursued runs away.

There are the three main reasons for this phenomenon:

1. Pursuit is a form of pressure. When you pursue someone, you are constantly pressuring him for “more.” The problem is that because we all cherish our freedom, no one responds to pressure. 2. Pursuit is a way of dominating the person you are pursuing. When someone tells you through his actions that he’s not in the mood to connect with you or do it your way and you ignore him and pursue or complain about him, what you are saying to him is, “My need for connection and to get my way is more important than your need for space and freedom.”

This is an extremely dominant move which will quickly alienate the person you are trying to gain approval or love from. Infuriated by your selfishness, he’ll withdraw or lash out at you.

3. Human beings want to pursue, not just be pursued. We prize people, jobs, and money more when we must work hard or sacrifice to get them. I call this the “Brad Pitt” phenomenon. Celebrities become famous for their looks and talent, but what keeps their desirability high is their inaccessibility.

When you over-pursue, you rob people of the opportunity to pursue you--and prize--you.

Learn to Ooze Charisma So far I’ve really stressed what you should NOT talk about. Here’s what you can talk about to be a little more charismatic in conversation: Pop culture icons and celebrities, movies, drama, humour, scandal;

renaissance topics such as art, dance, culture, current music trends; history; or interesting trivia.

The other person. When you ask questions and listen, you are nurturing

others by giving them air time. However, it is still a win-win conversation because you are getting to pick the topic; pick something you are interested in so you do not feel drained by the other person. Examples:


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“I hear the oil and gas industry is very demanding at the moment. What are you working on right now?”

“Your sister told me you love Star Wars. How come?” “I heard you went back to school this year. What are you taking?

When others are talking, there are two ways to keep the conversation stimulating.

1. Keep asking questions to go “deeper” into the topic. Her: “I’m in law school. My favourite class is constitutional law.” You: “What is that?

2. Interject humour without taking over the conversation.

Example: Him: “This airport is really far away from the city. It was obviously built in the days when airports were constructed 50 miles outside the city limit.”

You: “Yes, it can make the drive long…my Dad’s driving us, though and he’s the master of the short cut. He’ll take any route just to cut 22 seconds off the drive…so it won’t be pure torture.”

3. Interject empathy and support into the conversation.

Her: “I got a distressing customer complaint today. He didn’t understand the work our firm did at all and posted a letter on his website that is damaging our reputation.”

You: “That’s terrible, especially when you worked so hard and did such a thorough job. I honestly don’t know how you deal with customers as well as you do. You’re so mature in how you handle them.”

Genuinely supporting other people in conversation is magic. This is how many therapists make a living. The steps I just described will improve the relationship dramatically whether you were in the circle or not.

Now that you understand the circle, I’m going to explain how to solve the 13 relationships problems I mentioned in the curriculum for this session. Here are the first three.

Problems #1, #2, and #3

#1: How to turn around romantic rejection and reconnect with an ex


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#2: How to rescuing a passionless marriage

#3: Specific steps you must take if your spouse has been unfaithful

These situations are all examples of romantic rejection, and therefore have a similar antidote. There are three reasons why people reject you romantically:

1. Circle. You got inside of the circle of this person. You either continually pressured him for more time, affection, or consideration or you were controlling, causing him to withdraw. 2. Dominance. You were inappropriately selfish and dominant in the relationship, i.e., primarily concerned with your own needs and ignoring your partner’s. 3. Revenge Impulse. You got caught up in what I call the “revenge impulse.” What is the Revenge Impulse? In every romantic relationship, both people harbour deep-seated fears of abandonment and rejection. When you feel hurt by your partner, you are gripped by the intense desire to get revenge by hurting him. You may have done this through criticizing, analyzing him, demanding that he change, name-calling, threatening, insults, or withdrawing affection and ignoring him. The feelings become a “hot potato”. As soon as you feel afraid or rejected, you toss the feeling back to the other person. It’s a metaphorically way of saying, “Here. You have it, too.” Now you both feel angry, scared, and rejected. This revenge impulse is usually unconscious, but it is strong. Every time you ‘hurt back’, you trigger another revenge impulse in your partner, leading to a vicious cycle. #1: Reversing romantic rejection

To reverse romantic rejection, your very first job is to discover which of these 3 factors led to the end of the relationship.

If you’ve been pressuring your ex to get back together, stop doing this immediately. This person will not genuinely consider what you have to say unless you correct the mistakes you were making.


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Assuming you’ve already separated (and your lawyer is OK with you dating), you invoke the Stop Your Divorce formula.

Call your spouse and say, "I've been pressuring you to get back together, and I realize that this is making you uncomfortable because it's not what you want. Although I'd prefer to stay married to you, I can see you're not happy. So, I've decided to accept your decision and start dating. But I don't want to make the same mistakes I did with you, so I have a couple of questions I hoped you'd answer."

Then, read her the 3 items on this list. Ask her which ones apply to your marriage. Listen to her and take excellent notes. Resist the temptation to defend yourself (it could be overwhelming) or hurt back if she says something painful.

Instead, ask her for examples of what she is talking about. For instance, if she says that you were selfish and never listened to her, say, “Exactly which areas was I the most selfish in? Can you give me some examples?”

Thank her for sharing her thoughts, and hang up.

After this conversation, you will be in a much better position. You will have accomplished 3 main things:

You will have taken the pressure off her, making her more relaxed around you. You have also shown confidence by backing off.

You will finally have an opportunity to fix the relationship mistakes. You'll be far less confused about why she (or he) left. This is a major

part of the pain of a divorce: not knowing exactly what happened to turn the other person off.

Of course, if it was a brief romantic relationship, or you already know the three mistakes you were making simply from reading the list, you don’t need to have this conversation. Simply go to work to correct your mistakes. Here’s how.

1. Getting outside the circle

a) Do a fearless inventory about the circle. Let’s do this right now. Go through the list of behaviors (over-pursuing, over-talking, acting controlling) and write down what you did. You can do this even if you’re not in the middle of a romantic rejection – pick someone at work, a friend, or a child, and do this inventory. You may be surprised at what you discover.

Once you know how you get in the circle with this person, stop doing it.


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b) Date others.

You don't have to be intimate with anyone; casual dating is fine. The internet or even speed dating are quick ways to meet possible dates who are fun (make sure you are being safe).

The purpose of dating others is to develop an abundance mentality – the feeling that you are a cute chick or guy with lots of possibilities.

By dating others, you start to feel in your heart that you have many, many, options—instead of at the mercy of someone who can't decide if he wants you. You also demonstrate self-assertiveness—that your needs matter, and you’re going to take care of them. This is attractive.

Make sure she knows you’re dating. Here’s how to say it: when there is a natural opportunity to bring it up, say, “I’ve met someone I like and I’m happy about it.” Use exactly those words.

c) Don't initiate contact, but respond when she does.

Respond, and be friendly when she calls, but rarely make the initial contact. If she wants to get together, that's great--provided you are not busy. A general rule of thumb is: contact him one time for every 3 times he contacts you. Also, keep the conversation under 10 minutes, and be sure you are the one to end the call.

d) Act happy.

People never reject anyone they perceive as happy. When you have contact with this person, act happy. Note: don’t say you’re happy, or impress upon this person how “happy” you are; this will only backfire.

e) No serious talk – small talk and happy talk only.

No fighting, arguing, criticizing, or complaining. Especially, stop talking about your feelings and inner life; NEVER mention being single, being lonely, being a loser, being unlovable, having bad luck, or how long it’s been since you had a date. Keep utter secrecy and mystery about your inner life. NO serious talk about the state of any relationship unless it is positive. Stick to small talk and happy talk only.

f) Do the activities you used to enjoy together, except with others.

Invite her occasionally, but do not wait for her to live your life and be happy.


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2. Correcting Dominance. If you were rejected because you were overly dominant in the relationship, establish a genuine friendship with your ex in which you are more generous. By having a friendship with her instead of the romantic connection you want, you immediately show that you can handle not getting your way. Agree with her that you were selfish and that she was right to leave you for it. Within your friendship, learn to be generous – how to put her needs before yours out of love. Here are some guidelines: Offer to try choices that appeal to her, including restaurants, movies,

sports, and TV programs. See if you can learn to like them too. In conversation, solicit her opinions; listen more and talk less; become

more agreeable and less defensive. Offer to do more than your fair share of child care, family duties, and or

miscellaneous stuff that comes up between friends, e.g., reservations.

3. Correcting the Revenge Impulse.

If you were rejected because you got caught up in the “revenge impulse” and hurt your partner through criticism, insults, withdrawing affection, or refusing little courtesies and kindnesses, start with the steps I just reviewed and then fix the revenge problem.

Here’s the key: stop hurting her back when you are hurt. Instead, try to understand what she is communicating when she “hurts” you.

For example, if she hurts you by complaining that you watch sports too much, you can listen for the request underneath the complaint and strive to give her what she wants.

After that, learn how to heal yourself when you are offended, hurt, or feel rejected INSTEAD of hurting her back. I will give you the steps for this today.

#2: Rescuing a passionless marriage

If you’re in a passionless marriage, my heart goes out to you, because obviously you have both endured much hurt. A passionless marriage means that one--or both--of you have done many things to diminish the connection between you.


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Here’s why you are numb towards your spouse. When we are hurt, we instinctively want to suppress our feelings of fear, anger, and rejection. We just don’t want to think about it. The problem is that we don’t have the luxury of being able to pick and choose which feelings we want to suppress. The only way to numb our emotional pain is to numb our entire feeling function with suppression. Little by little, with each passing hurt, we become more and more suppressed, and more and more numb. Before long, we can barely remember the love we originally had for our spouse. To rescue a passionless marriage, you must

1. Unlock your feelings of love for your spouse by connecting to your feelings of vulnerability and rejection. Use the inner game steps I explain today; when you hit sadness, you’ve hit the “sweet spot.” 2. Determine which of the 3 dynamics (circle, dominance, or revenge-impulse) are going on between you and correct them. If you’re in the circle, stop pursuing. If your spouse is in your circle, show her some affection so she stops pursuing you all the time. If you’re dominating your spouse, put his or her needs ahead or yours more often. If you’re passive with your spouse, assert your wants and needs more often. If you’re hurting your spouse with insults, sarcasm, withdrawing, or criticism, stop all these things and immediately watch the relationship improve.

#3: Specific steps you must take if your spouse has been unfaithful

If your spouse has been unfaithful, you either have a circle problem, a dominance problem, or a revenge-impulse problem as a couple…or all three. But rather than confronting these problems, your spouse has chosen to have an affair instead. And, my heart goes out to you if you are in this situation.

At this stage, the relationship is on life support and may not survive no matter what you do. But, it’s important that you take the steps I’m going to explain because it’s the only way to re-gain your confidence and not set yourself up for months or years of depression and devastation.

The first thing you need to do is shift your attitude from shock and fear of losing him to one of anger and: “If you want me back, you’d better get to work.” You must to do this to restore your self-respect and his respect for you. Yes, you will have to get angry to do this, but this is healthy anger based on the idea that you deserve a spouse who wants to solve your problems rather than escape them in an affair. If you need help getting angry, visualize the


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details of his affair and / or make a list of the 10 ten things he’s done, e.g., blame you for it

Next, demand the following from your spouse:

End the adultery. Look your spouse dead in the eye and tell him if he has any hope of salvaging his marriage (and family), he will end his adultery immediately. Not tomorrow. Now. Here’s how he is to do it:

He is to call his lover while you listen in on the extension. In a cold voice, he will say: “This is the last time I’ll talk to you in person or on the telephone. Listen closely. I’m ashamed of our relationship, and it’s over. I don’t love you. I never did. Though I showed the opposite, I love my wife. She’s with me now listening to this call. Never contact me in this way ever again. Leave me and my family alone. If he can’t reach her on the phone, he will write the same thing in an email or letter that you will watch him send.

He will also:

Agree to never have contact with this woman again; he will sever all ties with this woman, destroy all mementos, agree to let you check his phone and email, and allow him to check up on him.

Admit the affair was 100% his fault and display agonizing regret and sorrow. He will never refer to feelings of love, desire, or need for this person. If he does, tell him he can go to her if he wants, and move into shunning and separation mode.

Get tested for AIDS and STDs. Make sure he brings you written results.

Attend counseling to take a searching look at his life, weaknesses, and marriage.

Write The Document. He is to write a document detailing the exact details of the affair, then reads the letter in session with the therapist. The complete story of the adultery comes out as quickly as possible. This will save you from imagining the affair and wondering the extent of it. It will contain the trauma. It also creates brokenness in your spouse and compassion for you. It ends his feelings for this person and punishes him. It also tells you how committed he is to you. The Document must be done within a week or less.

Asking questions/venting. After the Document, there will be a 2-3 month period in which you will ask questions and vent sorrow and anger. This is positive healing for both of you, even though it will be


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rough. He must go through these conversations with compassion and patience.

If he does not comply with all of these with full remorse, shun him until he does. Shunning means treating him like he doesn’t exist. When you shun, you don’t: Engage in conversation; laugh and joke with him, tell him about your day,

comment on his day, do his errands, make him dinner, make love, etc. You also don’t fight with him; the time for fighting is over.

If this doesn’t change his attitude, then you must separate. Get your financial house in order; speak to an attorney about your rights re: children, and anything else that you need to prepare. Get copies of everything and open new accounts. Then, move him out of the house. Legally, you cannot remove him from your home, so if he refuses to leave, shun him until he does. If he is dangerous, file a restraining order and leave.

Source: I Don’t Love You Anymore by David Clarke, 2002.

Problems #4, #5, #6, & #7: #4: How to handle family members or co-workers who ignore your requests #5: How to gain more consideration, kindness, and listening from your

spouse and children #6: A proven method for making your spouse more enthusiastic about

housework, childcare and anything else he or she is resisting #7: How to prevent employees from exploiting your goodwill and taking

advantage of you The underlying theme underneath these 4 problems is that people are being ‘stingy’ with you instead of generous. You can solve all 4 of them using the same basic steps, which are designed to get you more generosity from them – getting them to put your needs above theirs more often. 1. Get outside the circle. Otherwise, you have not created the proper emotional climate to induce generosity. If you’re inside the circle, the person you are dealing with will either feel resentful towards you, suffocated by you, or some measure of contempt for you. By getting outside the circle, though, you can create sufficient goodwill to make requests of this person. Usually, the main thing you need to take care of here is becoming less passive and less aggressive and more assertive. You refuse to abort your own needs, and you also refuse to attack this person when he or she is not responsive to you.


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2. Make Requests When you want something from someone, there are three ways of communicating: 1. Passive – Not asking for what you want 2. Assertive – Asking for what you want 3. Aggressive – Complaining or criticizing: Being passive will never get you what you want; being aggressive might, but it will hurt the person, and he’ll find a way to hurt you back – guaranteed. Assertiveness is the winner, and remember: you can’t be a leader if you aren’t comfortable making requests. You start by making specific requests, such as: Can you please drive Catherine to swimming on Saturday? Or, “Would it be reasonable to expect your report in my inbox by Thursday?” Here are some excellent phrases to use when making requests: 1. “Would you be willing to…” 2. “How can you help me…” 3. “Would it be OK if you…” (especially when dealing with an alpha-dog) Here are ‘softer’ requests that will usually be very well-received: At work: “It really motivates me when you…” “I notice I work more efficiently when you…” At home: “I feel really close to you when you…” 3. Invoke Structure I’m always surprised to discover how much people detest making requests. A parent said to me recently, “I don’t know what’s wrong with my son. At bedtime he knows he’s supposed to put his clothes in the hamper, turn down the bed, brush his teeth, and roll down the blinds. And I don’t want to remind, either.” “How old is he?” I asked. He said: “Six.” People need structure and this means repetition. If you want to move people to action, train them using repetition. Ask your children to go to bed the same


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time every night; ask your employees for their deliverables the same time every week; and ask your spouse to help with dinner the same time every day. 4. Discover the Resistance to Your Requests Little Mary wanted to wear her sandals. Her mother wanted her to wear running shoes. The mother explained that she thought it would be better to wear running shoes. Mary insisted on putting on her sandals. The mother left the room and when she returned found that Mary had proceeded with putting on her sandals –and they were on the wrong feet. In a stern voice the mother said, “They‘re on the wrong feet –change them.” Mary replied, “It doesn’t matter.” Finally the mom got mad and yelled, “I don’t want to spend all morning getting shoes on. I want to go on the picnic!” As she said this, she slammed her hand hard on the floor. Mary was startled. She began to cry and ran towards her room. Her mom intercepted Mary as she headed for her room, picked her up, slid her onto her knee and changed her shoes to the “correct” feet. She said, “I don’t want to hear any more whining or crying,” and quickly exited the house with both children. The day after the sandals I asked Mary why she liked wearing her sandals better than her running shoes. Mary said, “Because I can tie these up, all by myself.” There were two little buckles on her sandals which she could buckle and unbuckle easily. With her running shoes, she still had to depend upon someone else to tie them up properly. Mary wanted to wear something over her control, especially since she would be undoing and doing them up often at the picnic site. Often when people resist you, they have a good reason. They may not know how to do the task or simply want a choice so they can be the boss of themselves. If you quietly ask them, you can discover the source of the resistance and eliminate it. 5. Allow Natural Consequences to Happen Janine’s son Ashton was frequently slow to get out of bed and get ready for school. She and her husband did what most parents do: nag him, making him antagonistic. When Janine learned about the circle, she told her son she was going to wake him, but give him no further reminders. True to form, he was late getting out of bed the next day. Janine was upset, but didn’t say anything. Ashton missed his school bus, had to walk 9 blocks to catch a city bus, and arrived late for an exam. Janine was shocked to discover that while Ashton


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started the day by blaming her for his lateness, when she didn’t say anything, he shifted quickly from blaming to apology. 6. Reprimand stage The last stage to moving people to action is the reprimand stage. At work, the reprimand stage means questioning whether you have the right person in the right job. I will send you a format for conducting an effective reprimand in the follow up handouts to this session. At home, you want to stay away from a work-style reprimand. Instead “fire” your spouse or children from household jobs by giving them away. If your husband is procrastinating on changing the oil, ask a male friend to come over and take a look at it. You’ll be pleasantly surprised how fast he “takes” the job back. How to Deliver an Effective Reprimand The following is a model conversation for delivering an effective reprimand. NB: Alice, do you understand the problem we’re faced with? (My manner is warm and friendly, as it remains throughout; my purpose here is to get Alice and me in the same context) Alice: Yes, I’m just too shy and I find it hard to… you know, get tough...I am just not the kind of person who ( Breaks off; silence) NB: No, that’s not the problem. (I perceive Alice as wanting to switch focus to her insecurities and I believe it would be counterproductive for me to follow her down that road.) Alice: It isn’t? NB: The problem is, your job has certain requirements that are not being met. Your job entails having delinquent payers appropriately dealt with. It requires reports on all accounts, especially where there are difficulties. And letting your manager know when there is a problem you need help with. (I am keeping the focus on the reality we need to deal with) Alice: Yes, uh-huh NB: And Right now that’s not happening. The job that’s needed is not being done. (No personal reproaches; just a description of the facts.) Alice: Yes, I suppose that’s so.


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NB: Now it’s possible that an error has been made, not by you but by the people who put you in your present position? It may not be the right job for you. (I am laying the foundation for giving responsibility to Alice concerning what is ultimately to happen: it will be up to her to tell us whether she is the right person for the job) Alice: But I love my job. NB: Why do you say that? In important ways you haven’t done it so far. (Challenging her to justify herself, but speaking gently and matter of factly) Alice: I can do the job. I want the job. NB: And yet, it’s been difficult for you to do the job. Don’t you think it will be just as difficult tomorrow and next week? (I continue to test the strength of her motivation.) Alice: No. Because I see that it’s really necessary and, you know if I really make up my mind to do something, I can do it. The problem in the past was, I made my mind I couldn’t do it. Now I’m going to make up my mind I can do it. And know I can. NB: What do you think would be an appropriate response if you don’t do it? (Asking her to look at the situation from the perspective of the needs of organization.) Alice: The job will have to be given to someone else. It’s got to be done right. I see that. And I’m going to do it right. NB: Great. We’ll all be pulling for you. Shall we agree that you’ll review your progress with your manager two weeks from this coming Friday (Encouraging her while keeping us focused on the matter of accountability) Alice: I really see it’s nothing personal. NB: Thank you for understanding that. (Acknowledging and appreciating her, but as an adult speaking to an adult) Source: Self-Esteem at Work: How Confident People Make Powerful Companies by Nathaniel Branden.

7. The Last Resort at Home: Shunning Shunning is a last resort, and it’s a dramatic way of getting outside the circle fast. You use it when the person is displaying extreme contempt, selfishness, and complete disregard for your needs. You’ll know this because he is


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unresponsive to your requests, insensitive, and views the problem as your complaining, not his selfishness. He genuinely believes that if you stopped complaining, everything would be fine. When you shun him, you avoid contact with him other than routine household duties. What you’re basically doing is refusing to give him the good parts of the relationship until he is willing to be a team and invoke a win-win attitude. This is a natural consequence of a friend or loved one repetitively ignoring your needs. If he does not care about your needs and what you want, this will naturally make you angry and not want to hang out with him, cook or clean for him, chat with him. It really is a natural consequence. Imaginary shunning dialogue: You: “Can you take please Catherine to swimming this weekend?” Him: “Ahhh.. I was hoping to get some sleep.” You: Silence Him: “What’s wrong with you? Are you pouting?” You: “You know exactly what’s wrong with me – I would like you to take Catherine to swimming.” This brings him back to the sobering reality that you are a team, which is an interdependent reality, not an independent reality. Yes, he has the right to refuse to help you with the house or the children; and you have the right to not want to be a family with someone who ignores your needs. Bottom line: People do not respond to complaining. They only respond to no contact.

Problems #8, #9, #10, & #11:

#8: How to stop your spouse, boss, or friends from criticizing you

#9: The formula for neutralizing the office bully in meetings or other forums

#10: A quick way to turn around a complaining customer or boss and make him happy instantly

#11: How to get a domineering boss to listen to you

The underlying problem in these situations is that someone is being aggressive with you. To properly deal with aggressiveness, you need to know what it is. Aggressiveness is anger + blame mixed together.


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Write down this sentence: Anger is desire contaminated by helplessness. A person who is angry with you wants something, but feels helpless to get it. Aggressiveness is a request gone wild; this person wants something from you, isn’t getting it, is blaming you, and is now complaining. He SHOULD have been assertive, but because he thinks he’s helpless, he thinks assertiveness (a request) isn’t strong enough to get him what he wants. Plus, he wants to hurt you back and give you the hot potato. So he becomes aggressive. This is the source of conflict in all relationships: helplessness coupled with blame, which turns into hostility and aggressiveness. “10% Agreement Strategy” Here is a 4 step process you can use if you are under the fire or criticism or being verbally attacked. It’s called the 10% agreement strategy. Step 1. Immediately say the phrase, “Fair enough.” This suggests the person you are dealing with is a reasonable person, which calms him down. Step 2. Find at least 10% of what the person is saying to agree with. I’ve never known anyone to be 100% wrong. If you agree with him, this diffuses the situation. If you disagree with him, he’ll become more entrenched in his position and more stubborn. It’s just human nature. Client: “Lisa, this seminar sucks. Not only did you brush me off this morning when I tried to say Hello to you, but I’m not getting anything out of it.” Lisa: “Fair enough. Sometimes at the beginning of a seminar I’m a little preoccupied with getting the equipment set up and I’m not as good a listener as I should be. I’m sorry about that. However, the most important problem seems to be that you feel as though you’re wasting your time here.” Notice that I didn’t agree with him that the seminar sucks. I agreed that I was a little pre-occupied in the morning and showed empathy for the fact that he is not enjoying the seminar. Step 3. Find out what he wants by asking good questions. Never let anyone criticize you by throwing out sweeping generalizations such as, “You suck, you’re an idiot, you’re insensitive, you’re selfish, you’re a jerk. Always ask for clarification. Say, “Exactly how am I a jerk?” so that you can uncover what this person wants. Lisa: “May I ask what you were expecting in the seminar?”


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Client: “I thought you were going to tell me how to be more effective at work through better time management...I’m dealing with 236 staff and I’m overwhelmed.” Step 4. Give the person what he wants or, if you can’t, help him try and get it from somewhere else. You can usually find a way to satisfy the request. If it’s impossible, you can apologize, offer a refund, or ask the person what you can do to help resolve the situation. Lisa: “Excellent. That’s helpful for me to be able to customize this training. Would it be appealing if I included an hour this afternoon on time management? Client: “Yes, that would be great.” “I Can’t Allow You to Vent On Me.” Now, if the person is not really trying to get something and basically is venting his negativity on you, then you must put a stop to it. You’ll know this is the case because even after you’ve given him what he wants, he continues to criticize you verbally. At this point you must hold up your hand and say, “I know you’re frustrated, but I cannot allow you to vent on me.” If you train yourself in the 10% agreement strategy, you will be prepared for any conflict situation. Problems #12 & #13: #12: How to get a moody boss or colleague to treat you with respect #13: A proven method for dealing with self-absorbed friends In these two situations, you are in the circle because you’ve reacted inappropriately to the moodiness and crankiness of others. The strategy you need here is called:

Avoid the ‘Cold Person’ & Embrace the ‘Warm Person’

Sometimes it is complicated when dealing with a friend because there seem to be two people in the same body. He’s a cold person one day and a warm, supportive person the next.

Your job is simple: Avoid the cold person and embrace the warm person.


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Let’s imagine you have a colleague who tends to be moody at the office. Sometimes this even affects your performance, because you take it personally and feel down when he doesn’t respond to you.

In this situation, most people will try hard to please the colleague when he’s in a bad mood. They’ll go out of their way to be friendly and nice. This never works.

When someone is being cold or self-absorbed to you and you are nice back, you are saying that you want someone to be cold or self-absorbed. This is the wrong move.

As long as you act like you want someone to treat you coldly by being super-friendly, you’re never going to get the warm colleague. You’ve got to avoid the cold person if you’re ever going to get the warm person.3

Instead, keep your contact with the cold colleague brief. Look at your watch and say, “Wow, I didn’t realize the time! I need to get back to my deadline.”

This way, you’re not creating a distraction for yourself at work. You’re also not creating a reason to become angry and resentful of your self-absorbed friends.

Again: People do not respond to negative words, but they do respond to no contact.

When you accept others for who they are using these methods, you communicate self-esteem and flexibility. You’re saying, “I don’t need you to be any particular way at all.”

INNER GAME OF RELATIONSHIPS I’ve given you a lot outer game advice. Whether you are capable of following it, though, depends on your inner game. I can tell you exactly how to train for a marathon, then I can walk the route with you, but if you want to finish the race, you’ll need to do some heavy lifting. This inner game work is the emotional “heavy lifting” you need to be mentally tough in relationships. A strong inner game paves the way for an impeccable outer game. Mastering the Fear of Rejection & Abandonment There are 2 parts re-training the mind and healing the heart. Let’s start with the mind. I want you to go back to this sentence:


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Anger is desire contaminated by helplessness. Please circle the word desire and word helplessness. All negative emotions are a variation of this theme. Sadness is rage at being attached to a person you cannot have. Disappointment is a milder form of sadness. Fear is a desire for the future contaminated by helplessness. You want respect, appreciation or affection from someone, but doubt has crept into your mind as to whether you can get it. If you want to master the fear of rejection, you must overcome your helplessness. What most people do instead is try to overcome their desire. Here’s how it looks: “He didn’t call, but it’s Ok. We weren’t right for each other anyway. I’m beginning to realize what a jerk he is…” Or: “I’ve tried to get him to respect my technical knowledge, but I think he’s just too insecure to hear another person’s opinions. I’m just going to steer clear of him.” This is a “you can’t fire me, I quit” type of approach. You invoke blame and hostility to protect yourself from your helplessness. Denying and disowning your desires is a recipe for depression and the victim mentality. No matter how hard we try we can never relinquish our desires for love, respect, or acceptance. They are part of our basic needs and what makes us human. Instead of disowning your desire, I suggest you attack your helplessness instead. The Magic of Optimism In 1998 we went to Europe to play a 5 game series against Finland for the World Ringette Championships. We lost the first game 19-5, which is a really high score in ringette. At the first period, we were down 8-1 to Finland. My sister gathered us together and said, “This game’s over now. We have only 1 job left today, and that’s to learn, because we’re going to see this team again tomorrow.”


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The next day, we beat the same Finnish team 8-7 in overtime. I remember walking to the back of the bus where the coach was sitting. He turned to me and said, “I have no idea how we just won that game.” I smiled. I knew it was the magic of optimism. The first way you attack your helplessness is through optimism. Optimism is not positive thinking. Positive thinking is finding a silver lining in a setback. For example, “It’s a great that my boss doesn’t value me enough to give me a raise, because staying at this salary will help me be frugal.” Optimism is finding reasons for why the setback is temporary. Example: “My boss doesn’t value me enough today to give me a raise, but if I learn how to expertly manage projects, he might consider it.” Take out a blank sheet of paper. On the left hand side, write down all your fears about this relationship. This exercise will reveal the unconscious pessimism you are holding about it. On the right hand side, write down all the reasons why the problems in this relationship could be temporary. Example: Fear/Helpless position “The president is always going to criticize me. He’ll never treat me with respect.” Optimistic position “Since becoming more accepting and less confrontation, I am already seeing a change in him. My behaviour is already making things better, and I can continue to learn and grow past my previous limitations.” I’m going to give all of you 94 seconds to complete this exercise with respect to a relationship you are working on now. To master the fear of rejection, you need optimism. You also need a new mindset about relationships. Here are 4 myths about relationships that keep you locked in a fearful, victim mentality.

Myth #1:

People should love us unconditionally.

Unconditional love – love that is independent of your behaviour or whether you meet another person’s needs -- is wonderful, but it is an ideal, like justice or


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fairness. It’s such an ideal that I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a person who doesn’t withdraw some measure of acceptance, compassion or generosity when you abuse them. What I have seen is permanent attachment—this is when you will not sever ties with a person no matter how bad it gets. Parents, children, and siblings tend to have this type of attachment towards each other. Unconditional love is difficult to achieve because we bring our needs to every relationship, and if they aren’t met, we become angry and withdraw love. Personally, I think that unconditional love is overrated. Can you imagine having an unconditional job? How do you think you would perform knowing that your hours, performance, and work ethic made no difference as to whether you could keep that job or not? When you expect unconditional love from people, you will tend to be very self-righteousness and highly critical, which makes for continual conflict. Instead of expecting unconditional love, if you can accept that most of the love you get will be conditional upon how much acceptance, compassion, and generosity you give, you will evolve as a person in your relationships. Instead of putting your faith in a search for unconditional love, I suggest you put your faith into the principles of successful relationships. If you follow them, you will get much love coming your way.

Myth #2:

A successful relationship is the happy accident of two compatible people finding each other. If you are not happy with your friend or spouse, you should abandon the relationship and find someone new.

Successful relationships are not a happy accident. They are an achievement over time based on how you treat each other. Yes, you can develop deep feelings for another person very quickly, but this does not mean you’ll sustain them. Love and friendship is a living, breathing entity that depends on your actions.

Of course, you should choose your relationships wisely. As a sports coach, the month you spend picking your team is as important as the 8 months you spend training them. The same is true in business and relationships.

Here is a criterion you can use to pick people for high quality relationships at home and work:


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Personal accountability vs. blame; ability to apologize Encouraging, not critical; benevolent, not malevolent Ability to hear criticism and discuss it rationally Empathic and compassionate vs. cold Ability to be self-assertive instead of aggressive, passive, or passive-

aggressive; deals with conflict rather than avoiding it Capacity to listen; not self-absorbed Sets and pursues healthy goals rather than hiding from life (takes risks) Healthy: not dependent on substances or addictions to get through the day Self-accepting; Forgives self for mistakes; demands excellence, not

perfection; delights in his achievements Committed to consciousness and self-awareness; seeks out reality vs.

avoiding it Resilient; optimistic; can heal self of traumas, hurts, and disappointments

in life The more of these attributes a person has, the more you want him on your team at work or home. The most important criteria, though, is not on the list. The most important criterion is the desire to evolve as a person. If someone has this, he can quietly gain all of the qualities on the list.

If a relationship is in trouble and you are evaluating whether to stay in it, I suggest you stay in it until a) you know exactly why it is failing, and b) you have fixed your 50% of the dynamic.

If you have permanent attachment to someone who has few of the attributes on the list and has no interest in evolving, you are sure to be in emotional hell. The techniques I gave you today will help, but you are only 50% of the equation.

Moving away from this person is a good move. Move out or move cities – get some geographical distance. It will lessen your attachment and therefore your trauma in this relationship. Myth #3: If you are a good or a nice person, people should not reject you. If you’re like most people, you believe you are “too good” or “too nice” to be rejected by anyone…and that people don’t have the right to reject you. At the same time, you probably reject people every day. Look, in the words of Dr. Phil, you need to get real. You may not like it, but people have the right to change their mind about you and reject you.


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Myth #4: You should only deal with people you trust; and, people who love you should never hurt you. Donald Trump’s son, Donald Jr., says: “My father always told me, “Don’t trust anybody.” Then he’d ask me if I trusted anybody. I’d say, “No.” Do you trust me?” He’d ask. I’d say, “Yes.” And he’d say, “No! Don’t trust even me!’ What the Donald is saying is that trust is wonderful and we should strive for it, but like unconditional love, it is an ideal. There is much unconsciousness in the world, and sometimes people hurt you without trying or even knowing it. If you expect people to hurt you occasionally, you will be better equipped to deal with it when it happens. What’s even more transformation than trust is your ability to heal yourself of hurt. This is what I’m going to share with you next. Overcoming the fear of rejection – healing the heart center Mastering the fear of rejection means that you learn how to heal your heart. When you’re hurt, your impulse will be to defend against your hurt through blaming, becoming hostile, and pretending that you do not care about the person who hurt you. These mental positions will keep your hurt locked inside you, because by the time an emotion shows up in your body, it is energetic experience; therefore, it is useless to resist it. I Just Want to Cry A Little It was a 5-year-old who taught me that, ‘What you resist persists’. At my summer ringette school many years ago, we tried to take her rollerblading with her group, but none of the rollerblades fit her. Her lip started to quiver when she realized she wouldn’t be able to go. About this time, her mother showed up with another baby in her arms. Her mother was clearly tired; when she saw her little girl crying, she became impatient.


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“Lyndsay, stop crying,” she said in exasperation. Of course, Lyndsay’s crying turned into hysterical sobs. The mother lost her patience completely. “If you keep this up, I’m going to take you home and not bring you back tomorrow.” The little girl sat down and paused. After a few moments, she looked up at her mother and said, “I just want to cry a little.” She was only five, but she got it. The crying IS the healing. I’m going to lead you through a simple exercise you can use to heal yourself of rejection, sadness, love pain, and relationship trauma. Visualization Sequence for Healing the Heart Centre Sit in a quiet space where you will not be disturbed. Close your eyes and relax. Focus on your breathing. Breathe slowly and deeply. Once you are relaxed, go back to a time when you felt loved, appreciated, and accepted by another OR loving, accepting and connected to another person). Note: if you are using this course to repair or improve a relationship with a specific person, select this person for this exercise. Re-run this scene in your mind. Allow the feeling to grow stronger as an energetic experience. Re-access the positive energy you had at that time. Continue this for at least 10 minutes. If negative feelings surface, explore them by trying to make them stronger as an energetic experience. Try to sustain the negative feelings for at least 10-15 minutes. This exercise will allow you release negative energy from old traumas and disappointments. Of course, releasing sadness or disappointment will not erase desire in you for respect or love. You still need to win in your relationships to attain happiness. But now you are no longer a hostile victim: you are open to receiving love; you know the outer game you need to get it; you’re optimistic; and you are emotionally resilient. This concludes our program for the evening. If you have any questions, please email to us at [email protected]. Further information on Lisa’s products and services can be found at http://www.TheCouragetoWin.com/ Peace and love, Lisa

mailto:[email protected]

http://www.thecouragetowin.com/

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