how to give awesome, effective feedback

Meryl Runion Rose, Chief Iteration Officer, SpeakStrong Please share freely with credit.

There may be a hundred ways to get there, but turning into oncoming traffic isn’t one of them.

You made a wrong turn.

Turn right NOW

SpeakStrong and a GPS Guide to awesome, effective feedback


Why is the GPS metaphor useful?

• It helps visualize the distinction between guiding and driving

• Your GPS is well-informed but fallible – just like us• We sometimes give our GPSes too much authority over

us• Everyone knows GPS feedback isn’t personal and yet

people still take it personally• GPSes need help to help• When we trust ourselves and our GPS, we feel freer to

explore and aspire


The limits to the metaphor are instructive, too

• We don’t expect a GPS to care, appreciate our brilliance or adapt when we’re having a really bad day. We like some of that from people.

• GPSes have a lot of data and little imagination

I’m sensing you need the scenic route today.


Why did I invite my community to submit GPS phrases for sensitive people?

The exercise required imagination – just like great feedback does

The exercise required working with principles of good feedback in a playful way

The exercise was fun and funny. I loved the input

What would a sensitive GPS say?


Why did I invite my community to rate and comment on the phrases?

For a shared experienceof what happens with feedback. For example:

– The contributions were light-hearted and creative– Rating is inherently left-brained which set the stage

for…– Comments on ratings with a very different tone from the

contributions


Walking across the coals of feedback requires the right state of mind

Working WITH instead of playing gotcha AGAINST


Some comments shifted the conversation from a creative,

imaginative state to:


The GPS Metaphor at its best:“You’re the driver and I navigate”

• I tell you what I see• I lay out options and

probable outcomes• I recalibrate when

necessary• I may SpeakStrong

about the effect and probable impact of your choices, but I respect your right to choose


GPSes know a lot but aren’t infallible

People who offer great feedback trust their knowledge and still listen to feedback.

In fact, they likely trust their knowledge BECAUSE they listen to feedback.


We sometimes give our GPSes too much authority over us

“You need to get a smarter GPS or think for yourself a little more.”

Who’s ultimately responsible for the results?


Everyone knows GPS feedback isn’t personal and yet people still take it personally

I’d love to go that way, but my GPS lady will yell at me if I do.


GPSes need help to help

• Keep them updated• Learn how they

communicate and how they work

• Express our routing and communication preferences


When we trust ourselves and our GPS we’re freer to explore and aspire

I’d love to go that way, and my GPS lady

will help me do it.


The qualities of the contributions and the qualities of great feedback*

Prioritizes1. With me, it's not the journey that matters but the destination.

13. The question is …does your choice of track take you in the direction you want to go?

Encourages1. You go girl!

15. It is great how self-sufficient you are. I’ll follow your lead. *I’m not suggesting these examples are perfect. I am suggesting the demonstrate a quality or some qualities of effective feedback.


Contribution and feedback qualities

Joining3. …we'll get through this together.

14. Oops! We made a wrong turn.

Discerning4. You made a mistake but you’re not a mistake.

24. You may have made a bad turn, but that doesn't make you a bad person.



Adaptive9. Great, let's take this route instead. You can... 10. You just discovered a new way to get there.

Offers perspective 5. Five years from now this will not matter.

21. It's just a missed turn. It's not failure, it's feedback.



Playful and positive17. You are one wrong turn closer to a right one.

26. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do!

Process-oriented23. I like the way this is unfolding – even though it wasn’t in the plan.

27. Everything teaches you something. What are you learning from your wrong turn?



Affirms the positive quality behind the error29. Innovators rarely do what they're told!

Acknowledges the potential “GPS” error20. I'm sorry. Perhaps I wasn't clear. You were supposed to turn back there.

Feeds forward31. Ah Ha! I see you are taking the Super-Ultra Route! I will re-route us based on your turns.



Addresses roles11. You're the driver and there are many different ways to get to the same destination.

19. Wow. I never thought about getting there this way. Would you prefer I reroute you, or get you back on the previous route?

Addresses stress response to error25. Calm down, take a deep breath and let's try this again.


Prepare to offer feedback

1. Create the right state. Center and ground. Know and choose where you’re coming from– When someone pushes on you, what do you

want to do? Push back! Don’t GIVE feedback, offer it.

– Think: “This isn’t about me. It’s about helping them see themselves, their choices and options”


Adopt a mindset of appreciation

“No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care”

Teddy Roosevelt

“Regarding giving effective feedback, being in a genuinely Loving space is hugely valuable for both giver and receiver…. When Love is, in fact, present for us these qualities are spontaneously there and flow out of their own, no effort required. Teaching people to get in touch with *THAT*... hmm... there's a worthy challenge.”

Bill Constantino

“If our Emotional Bank Account is high, credibility is no longer an issue.” Stephen Covey


Prepare to offer feedback

2. Know the person you’re offering feedback to

– What do they want to achieve? – What is their learning style? – How much input can they handle? – What is it like to be them at this moment?


Use your imagination to put yourself in their shoes


• Short• Specific• Targeted • Solution-oriented• Sincerely say what you mean• Personal• Gracious • Consistent• Joining• Humble

• Wordy• Vague• Random• Problem-oriented• Brutally honest• Clinical, impersonal • Condemning• Problem-focused• Judging • Arrogant, teachy preachy

Are Avoid being

3. Prepare phrases that…


Phrase checklist

Factual, informative and true Aligned, and resonant Useful, forward focused

HeadHeartWill


George Davidson School: “Whenever deposits were made, hearts were added to the bulletin board. But when withdrawals were

made, hearts were removed.”

Deposits Withdrawals

Kindness and courtesy Unkindness and discourtesy

Keeping promises Breaking Promises

Clarifying and Honoring Expectations

Violating Expectations

Loyalty to the absent Disloyalty/Duplicity

Making apologies Pride, Conceit, Arrogance

Clear Expectations Unclear Expectations

Accepting Responsibility Blaming Others

Seeking First to understand Seeking First to be understood

Honesty and openness Manipulation


Feedback is as strong as it needs to be and no stronger

Feedback is as long as it needs to be and no longer

SpeakStrong Principles


4. SpeakStrong:

Say what you mean and mean what you say without being

mean when you say it


There may be a hundred ways to get there, but turning into oncoming traffic isn’t one of them.

You made a wrong turn.

Turn right NOW

Be sensitive but don’t pander


Cookie and the Cocoa Puffs:

• Limit: 3• Slow down to

speed up• Don’t think you’re

playing catch when they’re playing dodge ball

• Don’t make them drink from a fire hose


Which way are you feeding it?

• Back? Be a mirror– What do you

mirror?

• Forward? Be a guide, scout and resource


5. Listen to their feedback about your feedback and adjust

If the student hasn’t learned, the teacher hasn’t taught

Resistance to feedback is feedback

Everything says something


Some feedback/feed-forward phrases

• What kind of input would you like from me?• If it were me…• From where I sit…• Here’s where we are now. Moving forward I picture…• Here’s the effect. Is that your intention?• Here’s something I’d like to see you try and see how it

works.• From the angle of (example: a word person) I’d like to

hear you (recommendation).


Remember:

• Feedback is a gift we offer• Everything tells you something, and

everything you do communicates • The best feedback feeds forward• Talk more about what you desire to create

than what you desire to eliminate

how to give awesome, effective feedback

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