how to become a master communicator presented by rich russakoff for sanibel chamber of commerce...
TRANSCRIPT
How to Become a Master CommunicatorPresented by
Rich Russakoff for Sanibel Chamber of Commerce
August, 2003
Class Exercise
Introduce yourself to someone you don’t know
Have a conversation to build rapport and connect Find something in common
Children/family/sports/what they do/ Where they are from? Acknowledge something about them
Common Performance Barriers
Low energy Impatience Defensiveness Negative attitude
Critical of others Low stress
tolerance Moody/Irritable Poor team player
Common Performance Barriers
Inflexible/Rigid Unfocused High anxiety Poor time
manager
Lack of trust in others
Lack of integrity Indecisive Negative
pessimistic thinking
Common Performance Barriers
Low self confidence
Lack of empathy Poor
communication skills
Overly dependent Poor listening
skills
Common Communications Challenges
Communicating with superiors
Being diplomatic Getting to the
point Dealing with
emotions
Confronting people
Staying in touch Standing your
ground Easier to do things
myself than teach others how
11 Commandments of Great Communicators
1. Establish and maintain eye contact2. Seek first to understand3. Become a great listener4. Ask questions why5. Monitor and mirror body language
11 Commandments of Great Communicators
6. Wherever you are, be there greatest challenge
7. Never interrupt, let the other person finish
8. Paraphrase what others say9. Think first (pause), determine the
desired outcome, and then and only then, speak
Master Your Emotions
“Sometimes in life you go through doors that only open one way. You can stand before them and think about whether you want to go through them or not. But when you do and the door closes behind you there is no way to go back.”
I Hate To See That Evening Sun Go Down, by William Gay
11 Commandments of Great Communicators
10.Speak from the heart to connect MLK
“Stop trying to prove yourself and start trying to express yourself.” “A promise never made cannot be
broken, and so can never break a heart” Nitty Gritty Dirt Band
11 Commandments of Great Communicators
11.Take the risk / assume the burden “Don’t go to bed angry, stay up and
fight.” “Keeping friends is like having and
plants.”
11 Commandments of Great Communicators
Drawing out shy people by: Speaking softly Using humor Ask questions and
listen And if you’re the
shy one…
Communicate in the workplace to:
Achieve clarity shortest difference Provide direction / Set expectations Encourage Challenge Create a clear vision paymaxx –
what great coaches do
Catch People Doing Something Right
Encouragement and stroking helps people achieve their best
Everyone needs strokes and motivation.
When you “give” people self-esteem they will fight to maintain it.
Class exercise – Catch someone doing something right and then tell them
Communicate the Workplace to:
Correct – constructive criticism Think twice before you place blame Always seek the other sides of the story
- 3 Let people know that mistakes are okay
- 87% rule Praise in public, criticize in private
from “The Leader In You” by Dale Carnegie and Associates, Inc.
Communicating in the Workplace
When You Criticize: See yourself as a teacher or coach ira Pick the right moment to offer criticism Show how the person will benefit from
taking the actions you suggest Give specific suggestions
Be sure you can take criticism yourself
Communicating in the Workplace
A private conversation is a rare thing There’s no such thing as a casual
conversation. Don’t take your credibility for
granted
Communication in the Workplace:
Identify how people want to receive information
Understand that communication is a two-way street
Ask yourself each time you give an instruction, is the message clear
Put more emphasis on face-to-face communication
Communications in the Workplace:
Hold 15 minute daily meetings to: Communicate specifics about activities,
meeting, accomplishments, noteworthy news from clients etc.
Share daily measurement/indicators- day before and goal today
Determine where you are stuck. Where’s the bottleneck? What can be done about it.
Tenant’s Perception Landlady’s PerceptionThe rent is already too high The rent hasn’t been increased in a long
time
With other costs going up, I can’t afford to pay more for housing
With other costs going up, I need more rental income
The apartment needs painting He has given the apartment heavy wear/tear
I know people who pay less for a comparable apartment
I know people who pay a lot more for a comparable apartment
Young people like me can’t afford to pay high rents
Young people like him tend to make noise and be hard on an apartment
The rent ought to be low because the neighborhood is run down
We landlords should raise rents in order to improve the quality of the neighborhood
I am a desirable tenant with no dogs or cats
His hi-fi drives me crazy
I always pay the rent whenever she asks for it
He never pays the rent until I ask for it
She is cold and distant; she never asks me how things are
I am a considerate person who never intrudes on a tenant’s privacyGetting to Yes, Fisher and Urv
How to Deal with a Complaint
Listen – do not interrupt Paraphrase / clarify Acknowledge / take responsibility Ask how the situation could be corrected Determine how you will address the
situation Let them know when/how you will act
Class Exercise
Dealing with Difficult People
Don’t manage people, manage their goals Help achieve mutually agreed upon
goals rob Focus on the issues, not the person Get to the point Refuse to play mind games or be bullied Know when to tune out/get out/stay out
Dealing with Difficult People
“We are working as a team to solve a problem…
or“I’m doing everything I can to meet
your needs…or
“We have to work together everyday…or
“I didn’t create this situation…
Dealing with Difficult People
and I don’t deserve to be treated in this manner.”
or your behavior is uncalled for and inappropriate.”
or I will return/call you back in 10 minutes
and hope we can resume this conversation.” or
and now you’re making a bad situation worse.”or
this approach will not help solve the problem.”
Giving Bad News
Bad news does not age well
People want to hear bad news immediately
No surprise rule Jack Welsh
Let people know where they stand
Dealing with Interruptions
I have a request How much time do you need? There’s a fine line between giving
people time and letting them take your time
Request quiet time Work calls are NOT interruptions; set
parameters, be proactive turn handout over
Listening Skills
Listening Habits that Cost You Power
Premature dismissal of a subject as uninteresting
Faking that you’re listening
Assuming you know what is being said
Listening for validation of your ideas
Listening Habits that Cost You Power
Listening only for facts Letting emotion laden words arouse
personal antagonism Interrupting others when they are
speaking
Most of us were born with two ears and one mouth,
and that’s a pretty good ratio between listening and talking.
Class Exercise
Tell someone something Tell them what you told them Have them tell you what they told
you Then tell them what they told you
that you told them and told them
Listening Gives You Power
What you should listen for: Patterns of reasoning and ideas Hot buttons
Listening Gives You Power
How you should listen: Take notes, write
down key words Use the body
language of listening
Listen Actively and Effectively
With your: Eyes by establishing eye contact Body by leaning forward Face by nodding Voice by saying “no kidding, ym hmm,
tell me more”
Listen Actively and Effectively
With your: Speech by paraphrasing what others
say…“in other words” Hands on your chin, arms open, taking
notes, by never interrupting Asking questions…“Tell me more”
Through Active Listening
A true dialogue can take place New understanding can be achieved And a bond can be formed or
deepened
What Signals Are We Sending?We communicate before we say a word with:
Our clothes Hair Jewelry Pierced parts Tattoos
Sexuality/sex Appeal
Our breath Facial hair Energy The cars we drive
What Signals Are We Sending?We communicate before we say a word by:
Smile / Frown insincere
Height / Weight Posture Age
Skin color Masculinity Femininity Scents / Odors
“What you are speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say”…Emerson
Verbal vs. Body LanguageThe Impact and Credibility of the message
64%
29%
7%
60% plus for thenon-verbal
20 to 30% Toneand Inflection
7% Verbal
Verbal vs. Body LanguageBody Language (Nonverbal Communication)
Become a student of reading gestures, feelings, expressions, mannerisms and silence
Learn the skill of moving people from defensiveness to openness
Class Exercise
The Power of Eye Contact Eyes are the Window to the Soul People will believe you if you say what
you have to say with eye contact
Zone Distances
Signals, Allan Pease
Acceptable Conversational Distance
Signals, Allan Pease
Unacceptable Conversational Distance
Leaning backwards (Territory is
encroached)
Signals, Allan Pease
City Greeting
Amount of personal space required is related to population density
Watching how far a person extends his/her arm may be a clue
Signals, Allan Pease
Country Greeting
People raised in sparsely populated areas typically require more personal space
Signals, Allan Pease
Mirroring
• Copying the other person’s gesture to gain acceptance
• The non-verbal challenge
Signals, Allan Pease
Mirroring• Closed body and closed
attitude• Open body and open
attitude
Signals, Allan Pease
The “Pointed Gun”
Thumb Displays
Displays power, superiority and dominance
Denotes strength of character
Become obvious when displayed with a contradictory verbal message (“In my humble opinion”)
Signals, Allan Pease
Let Me Be Completely Honest With You
The “open palm” is associated with: Truth Honesty Allegiance Submission Signals, Allan Pease
The Adult Telling a Lie
The “Pinocchio” Effect
Signals, Allan Pease
Isn’t It Exciting
Communicates positive expectation
Signals, Allan Pease
Steepling
A decision has been made
Used in either positive or negative circumstances Signals, Allan Pease
Hand-to-Face Gestures
Mouth Guard - indicates lying
Nose Touch - indicates negative thoughts or lying
Eye Rub - the brain’s attempt to block out deceit
Signals, Allan Pease
Hand-to-Face Gestures
The Ear Rub - the attempt to block words (“hear no evil”)
The Neck Scratch - the signal of doubt and uncertainty
The Collar Pull – lying, anger or frustration
Signals, Allan Pease
The Power of a Smile
“Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person,
a beautiful thing.” - Mother Teresa
Head Gestures
• I am just as Smart as you are
Signals, Allan Pease
• Confident, superior, dominant, has all the answers
Arm Barriers
• Standard Arm Cross
• A Firm Stand
• Superior Attitude
Signals, Allan Pease
Disguised Arm-Cross Gestures
Highly sophisticated gesture
Used by people continually exposed to others (politicians, actors, salespeople)
Shows uncertainty
Signals, Allan Pease
Arms Lock the Leg
Indicates: Tough minded,
stubborn individual Possesses a hard
and fast attitude in an argument or debate
Signals, Allan Pease
Crossed-Leg Barriers
Indicates: Generally a
negative attitude; fear, nervousness
Can also be equivalent to “biting your lip”
Controlling emotional state
Signals, Allan Pease
Crossed-Leg Barriers
Indicates: Negative or
defensive attitude may exist
Withdrawal from conversation
Signals, Allan Pease
Gestures with Glasses
A reassurance gesture
Used to stall or delay decision
Signals, Allan Pease
Cigarette / Cigar Smokers
Used as a displacement of tension
Smoke up - confident, superior, positive
Smoke down – negative, secretive, suspicious Signals, Allan Pease
Evaluation Gestures
Chin Stroking Indicates listener
is making a decision
Signals, Allan Pease
Evaluation Gestures
The Interested Evaluation
Having negative thoughts
Signals, Allan Pease
Common Critical Evaluation Cluster
Defensive (arms and legs crossed)
Hostile (head and chin down)
“I don’t like what you are saying and I disagree with you”
Signals, Allan Pease
Readiness Gestures
• Ready for action
• Ready to proceed
• Ready to end an encounter
• On your mark, get set
Signals, Allan Pease
Frustration Gesture
Signals a person is holding back a negative attitude
Height of hands indicates level of negativity
Signals, Allan Pease
Straddlers
Indicates: Dominant,
aggressive individual
Uses back of chair to serve as protection
Signals, Allan Pease
Opposing Camps
How to Read People Like a Book, Gerard I. Nierenberg & Henry H. Calero
Clusters: Putting it All Together
Signals, Allan Pease
Managing Interpersonal Relationships
Managing Interpersonal Relationships
Analytical Driver
Amiable Expressive
Task Oriented
Makes DecisionsSlowly
Makes DecisionsQuickly
People Oriented
Analyticals Influence Others By:
Factual data Attention to detail Logical arguments Consistency of performance
Drivers Influence Others By:
Force of character Persistence Direction Control Competition Strong persuasiveness
Amiables Influences Others By:
Personal relationships Personal services Unobtrusive suggestions Offering understanding and
friendship Accommodation
Expressives Influence Others By:
Poise and social capability Generate enthusiasm in others for
their cause Rewards/personal incentives Personal contact Praise and favors Inspiration
Analyticals Value to the Organization
Objective: “The anchor of reality”
Conscientious and steady Comprehensive worker Defines, clarifies, gathers
information, criticizes and tests Maintains standards
Drivers Value to the Organization
Task accomplisher, bottom-line results person
Self-motivated and hard worker Forward looking – progressive Fast decision maker, initiates
business Disciplined, likes to control self and
others
Amiables Value to the Organization
Dependable and loyal team worker Works for a leader and a cause Good listener Patient and emphatic Good at reconciling factions, very
calming
Expressives Value to the Organization
Enjoyable to be around Moves quickly with high energy Creative imagination Initiates relationships Motivates others toward goals
Individual Exercise
Determine your primary and/or secondary style
Handy Phrases and Bridges
“I have a request” “In all due
respects” “Tell me more” “And…no but!” “I understand”
“Thank you” “I see” “Okay” “That’s a good
question” “My name is Rich,
what’s yours?”
Often It’s Not What You Say…But How You Say It:
Words/Phrases I can’t … I’ll try… No I was going to say
Alternatives I’ll be glad to … I will… Explain why first Just say it, no
preamble
Often It’s Not What You Say…But How You Say It:
Words/Phrases That is not my
department … Can you spell your
name for me?
Alternatives I’ll connect you
with the best person to handle this …
For our records, the name is…
Often It’s Not What You Say…But How You Say It:
Words/Phrases I’ll have to ask
someone about this …
Hang on a minute…
Hold please…
Alternatives That is a good
question. Let me Get back to you on
that. I’ll return in just a
minute… May I please place
you on hold ? Will you hold the
line please?
What’s in a Name
Get a person’s name right – a “Debra” may NOT be a “Deb”
Remember we all love the sound of our own name
What’s in a Name
Make the effort to pronounce “difficult” names correctly
Always give your name If you can’t remember a name, say
something like, “I’m sorry but at the moment I can’t recall your name”
Connecting from the Heart
Things we all love A phone call on our birthday A thank you card A compliment A small gift A letter of recommendation An introduction
Mastering Your Emotions
Difficult conversations and communication situations come out of nowhere
They evoke comfortable but not necessarily good responses
These responses are spontaneous and backed by years of practice
Taking Action
Recognize what works and make changes You must want to change. Saying the right
words with the right tone and nonverbal actions
Ability without motive lies dormant and untapped
Old Stimuli generate old responses –You must recognize cues and apply your new skills
Taking Action
Find a buddy to talk about the concepts you have learned and practice together
If you really want to master a concept teach it to some one else
Start immediately
Taking Action
Celebrate improvement “Self improvement is achieved by
people who appreciate direction more than those who demand perfection” Kerry Patterson
Tie your plan for improvement into your own personal performance review
11 Commandments of Great CommunicatorsRate your current strengths and weaknesses
1. Establishing and maintain eye contact
2. Seeking first to understand3. Being a great listener4. Asking questions 5. Monitoring and mirroring body
language6. Wherever you are, are you there?
11 Commandments of Great Communicators
7. Never interrupting, letting the other person finish
8. Paraphrasing what others say9. Thinking first (pausing), then determine
the desired outcome you really want, and then and only then, speak
10.Speaking from the heart to connect11.Taking the risk/assuming the burden –
“The Road Not Taken”