how to be assertive without being arrogant

7/27/2019 How to Be Assertive Without Being Arrogant

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How to Be Assertive Without Being ArrogantEdited by Mona Westman, John, Krystle, Eric and 6 others

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Assertiveness is a very important means forcommunicating your needsin a waythat is fair to both yourself and to others. Unfortunately, for some insecurepeople, assertive people are sometimes threatening and it is easier to label themasarrogant, selfish, or unhelpful when they receive the answer "no" or whenboundaries are made clear by the assertive person. In particular, those withmanipulation,neediness, and trust problems can see assertive responses asundermining their own agendas and will seek to respond with negative critiquesof an assertive person's behavior. This is where it can get a little tricky for the

newly assertive convert but it's no reason to suddenly start worrying that you arearrogant!

EditSteps1. 1

Check that you are using assertive communication appropriately. If you arenew to assertiveness, or you're not feeling your usual self because of illness orstress, etc., you might be resorting to techniques that are more aggressive,passive aggressive, or making assumptions where there are none to be made,

rather than being assertive. A quick check you can do is to think back throughyour comments and stance with the person in question and write down what yousaid. Read it back: Does it sound to you as if you were being assertive, orotherwise?Be honest- it's about you!
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o Here's a good way to express yourself without being arrogant:How to PracticeNonviolent Communication

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Check the context. Sometimes factors come into the equation that shouldn't.

Race, gender, married status, age, disabilities, illness, and so on can sometimescause a person to assume that you have an "attitude", rather than an assertivestyle of communication. If you suspect that this is the situation, continue with yourassertive communication and consider whether it is worth raising your concernthat your status might be causing negative responses from the person accusingyou of being arrogant, or whether this might even be something actionable inyour workplace, school, etc. environment.
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Be an active listener.Letting people know your boundaries and feelings while atthe same time allowing them space to talk, discuss, and open up about theirfeelings is important. Assertiveness is about give and take; you take a little of

their time to clarify your feelings and you give a lot of your time to hear abouttheirs. Remember that a good listener is also a flatterer and it's hard to findarrogance in that!
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Be humbleand modest. Assertiveness and humility make a fine combination.An assertive person doesn't need to shout "Me, me, me, look what I did!" fromthe rooftops. Assertive people are remembered because they stand firm, their

needs and interests are clear to others, and because they are reliable; they alsofrequently become a form of role model for others seeking to assert themselveseffectively. Take this role to heart but don't boast, big note yourself or becomepushy, no matter how clever, popular, or successful you might be.
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Reflect over your communications with others and your purpose. Whileassertiveness is about ensuring that others respect you and what you want in life,it ceases to be assertive communication when you use assertiveness techniques

to confuse or outwit someone where you're more knowledgeable, cashed up, orbetter off than another person. Assertive communication is not about "gettingyour own way". That's turning assertiveness into aggressive techniques ofcommunication and that's when you'll be accused of being arrogant. Always thinkabout the purpose of your communications - will it make you better understood,will it ensure that your needs are fully communicated, and will it still respect theother person's need to be clearly understood and well informed? For example,which of these examples do you prefer:
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o Hi, I'm "Arrogant". I bought this iPhone here last week. It's a lemon. It scramblesmy messages, it chewed up my hard drive, and it emits this high, piercing soundthat makes my dog go insane. Now I just know an iPhone isn't supposed tobehave this way but I suspect that your store is removing the X factor that makesit work well when the software download from Herod's site is added to the overall

structure. I mean, you guys think you're so smart but I'm one ahead of you andthis really stinks. I mean, back in '89 I practically invented the whole concept butit was stolen from me, so nothing gets past me ever again. This is so serious abreach of your store's customer care that I want the manager, not just a retailrep!"

o Hi, I'm "Assertive". Oh I see you're Thomasina - Hi Thomasina! I don't think we'vemet yet - I think I was served by Jay before. Anyway, I bought this iPhone lastweek and it's a lemon. It scrambles my messages, it chewed up my hard drive,and it emits this high, piercing sound that made my dog go insane. Now I justknow an iPhone isn't supposed to behave this way and I was hoping you might

be able to look into it getting fixed, or perhaps, even better, give me a new one?I'd really like a new one because then I wouldn't have to worry it might fail on meagain. I've always bought my gadgets from this store and I have always reallyappreciated your customer service. So Thomasina, do you think you might beable to help me out?"

o In the first example, Arrogant starts off OK and then starts meandering, and endsup being aggressive. In the second example, Assertive keeps it light, consideratebut still remains focused on the point, only he asks for buy-in from the retail
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assistant and doesn't disrespect her station. Note how he also named her at thestart -establishing rapportwith someone for who they are, not just their role,really matters. And that is one incredible key to warding off people finding youarrogant when you practice assertive communications you treat the otherperson like they matter (because you feel they do).

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Remember that assertiveness techniques take time to learn and nobodygets it right all the time. Apologizing is a good response to a failure tocommunicate assertively though and there is always space to reopen that door tobetter communications. SeeHow to Apologize.

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Don't take negative comebacks to heart. When you are faced with one of life's

more challenging personalities, the best thing to do is to not take it personally.Sometimes it is your self-assurance that is a cause of irritation for less securepeople and their response is to try and weevil their way in through criticism. Thisis never a reason to fall back into old patterns of unhealthy communication styles.Simply reassert whatever your point is and choose to leave it there. It issomething they can work on with the full enlightenment on where you stand.
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SeeHow to Deal With Impossible PeopleandHow to Stop Taking ThingsPersonally.

8. 8Seek the middle way. Sometimes if you're placed in a position of having to

choose between differing viewpoints in a group, there might be accusations ofarrogance against one division by the other. Always consider the possibility ofbeing able to acknowledge both sides of the argument and finding the middleway to draw the concerns together. You don't necessarily have to solve thesituation but you can be a powerful facilitator to the group finding an answer to itsdivision through your assertive communications. In such situations, informeveryone that the situation is not one for blame, not one for recriminations, andnot one for finding fault. Instead, help people to see that there is a chance forcompromise by showing them where each has made assumptions about theother or the facts of the situation, while still upholding your own belief or opinion.

And suggest that they have another look at things to reach a compromise. Formore details, readHow to Reach a Consensus.
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EditTips Arrogance includes feelings of superiority, elitism, snobbery, or smugness. If you

are experiencing any of these, you risk being rude to other people rather thanmaking a genuine connection through assertive communication and activelistening. It's more likely that your assertiveness will pertain to getting what you

want but not to creating a reciprocal relationship with another person whom youconsider to be beneath your level for whatever reason. That lack of genuinenessundermines the whole point of assertive communications and means that it's timefor a rethink of the insecurities or elitist attitudes that might have crept inunnoticed. Even the most practiced assertive communicators can have a weakmoment when they fall by the wayside and need to rechart their course; noshame in that, just do it.

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