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Intelligence and education are often considered primary keys to financial security in today’s world. Yet money-trouble is still a problem faced by thousands of people in spite of their schooling and acumen. The root of this issue is frequently something almost never thought of when considering finance: emotion. Emotions are the link between one’s thoughts and one’s behaviour.

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Heart, Mind & Money

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Heart, Mind & MoneyUsing Emotional Intelligence

for Financial Success

Vangile Makwakwa

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First published by Stonebridge, an imprint of Jacana Media (Pty) Ltd, in 2013

10 Orange StreetSunnysideAuckland Park 2092South Africa+2711 628 3200www.jacana.co.za

© Vangile Makwakwa, 2013

ISBN 978-1-920292-24-9Also available as an e-bookd-PDF ISBN 978-1-920292-25-6

ePUB ISBN 978-1-920292-26-3

mobi ISBN 978-1-920292-27-0

Cover design by publicideSet in Sabon 11/16ptJob No. 001969

See a complete list of Jacana titles at www.jacana.co.za

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This book is dedicated to the four people that made it possible:

my parents, Nomvula Makwakwa and Daniel Maelane, my

aunt, Rachel Maelane, and my sister, Honey Makwakwa. May

all writers be as blessed as I am, to have friends and family that

believe in their words when they can’t.

Special thanks to my uncle, Solly Makwakwa, and my friends,

Joan Legalamitlwa, Tshepang Ramoba and Analise Torres, for

their constant encouragement and support.

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Contents

Introduction: Emotional Intelligence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1

1. How Emotions Affect our Behaviour . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .5

2. Emotions from a Buddhist Perspective . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .9

3. How Emotions Affect Financial Behaviour . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .13

4. Law of Attraction and Emotions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .15

5. Emotional Intelligence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .17

6. Emotional Intelligence with Money . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .19

7. Fear (and Anxiety) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .27

8. Guilt . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .33

9. Envy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .41

10. Hatred . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .47

11. Despair and Depression . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .53

12. Vengeance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .59

13. Anger . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .65

14. Blame . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .71

15. Worry . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .75

16. Shame . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .81

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17. Disappointment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .87

18. Feeling Overwhelmed . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .95

19. Frustration . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 101

20. Impatience . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 107

21. Boredom . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 115

22. Pessimism . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 121

23. Optimism . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 129

24. Contentment. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 135

25. Hopefulness. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 143

26. Self-compassion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 149

27. Excitement / Sex . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 157

28. Happiness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 165

29. Love . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 173

30. Serenity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 183

31. Gratitude . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 189

32. Joy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 195

33. Conclusion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 199

34. My Money Story . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 203

References . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 207

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Emotional Intelligence

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INTRODUCTION

Emotional Intelligence: Your Key to Financial

Success

How to master your emotions and change your financial behaviour

Caroline Myss, bestselling author of Anatomy of the Spirit, asserts that each of us has a financial prostitute; we’re all capable of selling our minds, bodies and/or talents for financial gain.

Most people baulk at this idea, but if you’re in a job you hate and you’re only in it for the pay cheque, then you’re selling your mind or talent for money. If you’re in a loveless marriage or a relationship for financial security, then you have a price. If you’re an artist doing creative work you hate, you’re selling out your talent, and that pay cheque is your price.

What keeps this financial prostitute alive? Our need to survive or just plain survival instinct. Ten thousand years ago, we (the human species) needed food and

shelter to survive, but now most of us need money to buy food and pay for shelter – we’ve replaced food with money. We’ve learned to live in fear of being without money because we’ve come to equate lack of money with lack of food, lack of clothes, lack of love and even lack of respect. It’s this fear that gives rise to a variety of negative emotions about money. And it’s these negative emotions that make us a slave to money by driving our financial decisions and behaviour.

Emotional Intelligence

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Being a slave to your emotions about money makes you a slave to money. Most of us are scared of money, scared of being without money, or ashamed of not having money. These negative emotions rule us and keep us playing small, living in the realm of past failures where we entertain negative thoughts, beliefs and stories.

We trade our time and even compromise our values for money and call it wealth creation, wealth building or financial security. We convince ourselves that we need to first get money before we can pursue our dreams or become truly happy. We forget that every time we compromise ourselves for money, we’re essentially giving money power over us and making money our master.

The truth is we first need to follow our dreams and become happy in order to build true wealth. Real wealth is not just about money but about living well – emotional wellbeing, physical wellbeing, financial wellbeing, spiritual wellbeing and, above all, a state of joy.

What good is all the money in the world if your health is bad, you feel unloved or you’re always looking over your shoulder in fear of what others will say about you?

As the age-old saying goes: what good is it to profit the world and lose your soul?

Emotional intelligence with money is about mastering your emotions about money so that you can make financial decisions that are in line with your values and bring you serenity and joy.

Incidentally that’s the purpose of this book: to help you understand your emotions in order to master them so that you can master your finances and not just create material wealth, but wellbeing.

How do emotions impact financial behaviour?

Imagine this scenario: you want to save money but find yourself thinking about your credit card debt, which makes you frustrated.

You give into your frustration and before you know it, you start

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having thoughts about being unemployed and being unable to pay the bond, which makes you anxious and leaves you depressed. The more depressed you get, the less motivated you are to make money, instead you find yourself procrastinating, isolating yourself and spending money you don’t have to make yourself feel better. A month later you receive your bank statement and find yourself in overdraft; your finances are getting worse not better. What happened?

Now imagine a different scenario: you want to save more money but instead of focusing on your debt, you choose to focus on what you’ll do with the money once you have it, which makes you excited and happy.

The more you focus on what you’ll do with the money, the happier, more excited and motivated you get. Not only that, but you find yourself motivated enough to network with people and talk to them about your ideas, which leads to new business opportunities. Your excitement leads you to talk to your bank manager or financial coach to help you achieve the things you want. Before you know it you’re earning more money and taking constructive financial action.

Why are you getting two different outcomes from the same intention to create wealth in both scenarios?

The answer lies in your emotions and your thoughts. Emotions are the link between your thoughts and your behaviour: you think a thought, you feel an emotion and then you take an action.

The emotion you feel at any present moment is an indicator of whether you’re thinking a good or bad thought. It will let you know, very fast, if you’re about to take an action that will make you proud or rue the day you were born.

Being emotionally aware helps us understand our erroneous thoughts and beliefs about money, which helps us understand the actions we need to take in order to change our finances.

Law of attraction teachers and practitioners will explain that what you focus on persists. Thinking about debt creates more debt, and thinking about wealth creates wealth.

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But the answer isn’t just mystical or spiritual; it’s also very logical. Different thoughts trigger different emotions, and different emotions cause us to behave in different ways. Thinking about your debt and focusing on how much you owe makes you feel bad (anxious, guilty or even scared), which negatively impacts your behaviour. Thinking about being wealthy and living the life of your dreams makes you feel good (happy and excited), which positively impacts your behaviour.

You don’t spend, save, invest or even make the same amount of money when you’re depressed as you do when you’re content or joyous.

When we’re frustrated about the money we have, we make different investment decisions and may be more risk averse than when we’re feeling hopeful about money. These emotions that we feel in the present are affecting our financial future and have the power to keep us trapped in a financial cycle.

How could applying emotional intelligence (EQ) to your money, help you make wiser financial decisions?

Many teachings in economics, psychology and spirituality talk about the importance of mastering our emotions in order to master our behaviour.

Mastering our emotions and being emotionally aware helps us make wiser financial decisions, which leads to financial freedom.

Understanding your emotions and how they drive your financial behaviour is important and is the first step to changing your relationship with money.

When you know how different emotions affect you, you can teach yourself to observe them before taking any action and reacting to them. This will ensure that you take financial action only when you’re calm and objective, which will lead to favourable financial outcomes.

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How Emotions Affect our Behaviour

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CHAPTER 1

How Emotions Affect our Behaviour

Emotions are triggered by a situation, event, object or person. These emotions then affect our behavioural patterns and our assessment of a situation, person or object.

According to psychologists, emotions are physiological states of arousal (related to a person, situation or object) that help us survive. Psychologists argue that emotions are connected to our beliefs, cultural backgrounds and drives, and have the power to influence our behaviour.

Evolutionary psychologists, on the other hand, believe that emotions are a sub-program of the brain that evolved to help us solve adaptive problems as we continued to evolve. Specific situations trigger specific emotions, which in turn trigger physiological and behavioural reactions to ensure our continued survival as a species (Cosmides & Tooby, 2000).

Ten thousand years ago our emotions helped us survive by securing food, the number-one resource we needed to be able to survive then. Today money is that resource that we need to survive, and we use the same emotions to procure and secure it.

The psychology of emotions

Psychologists discriminate between primary and secondary emotions. Secondary emotions mask primary emotions (love, joy, anger, surprise, sadness and fear), which are felt right after an event.

How Emotions Affect our Behaviour

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Psychological theories on emotions tend to differ on the order in which emotions and behaviour occur during or following an event. Most psychological theories agree that there’s a link between mind, body / behaviour and emotion but they don’t agree on how we get to feel the emotions we feel. Do we think a thought and then feel an emotion and respond physiologically? Or, do we have a physiological / behavioural response, think a thought and then feel an emotion?

According to the Cannon-Bard theory of emotion, we experience an event, feel an emotion and then have a physical response. Example: your wish comes true; you feel happy and behave in a joyful manner by laughing or smiling.

According to the James-Lange theory of emotion, we’re a mass of stimulus response and we respond automatically to events as they happen based on past reactions that are encoded in our DNA or that we’ve taught ourselves. This theory states that we first experience an event, have a physiological response, interpret the response and then have an emotional reaction. Example: your wish comes true, you respond by laughing and smiling, you interpret laughing and smiling as happiness and then only do you feel happiness.

The Lazarus theory of emotion, on the other hand, states that every emotion stems from a thought, which gives rise to an emotion, which then affects behaviour and other physiological responses. According to this theory, we experience an event, think and philosophise about it (decide if it’s good or bad), feel the appropriate emotion (if it’s good we feel a good emotion and if it’s bad we feel a bad emotion) and then behave accordingly. Example: your wish comes true, you think this is good since it’s what you wanted for a long time, you feel happy and then you laugh and smile.

These are just three theories of emotions but there are many more theories and each of them is valid. It’s like the chicken or the egg question: do we first feel and then react or do we react and then feel?

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I tend to favour the Lazarus theory of emotion and use it to work backwards to understand the underlying thought that is causing an emotion. Once I understand the negative thought, I get the client to question its validity and change it. Changing a thought changes the emotion and the behaviour that the underlying thought is causing.

For the most part, the brain is still a mystery to us, which also makes the way we experience emotion a mystery.

What’s clear for the moment, anyway, is that there is a link between thought, emotions and behaviour.

(To learn more about the theory of emotions go to: http://alleydog.com/topics/emotion.php)

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Emotions from a Buddhist Perspective

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CHAPTER 2

Emotions from a Buddhist Perspective

Buddhists believe that emotions are what we give to a physical state that we find to be pleasant or unpleasant (De Silva, 1976).

Our emotions are physically felt in our bodies. Whenever we feel a good sensation we label it as pleasant, and when we feel an unpleasant sensation we label it as such.

Our idea of what constitutes a pleasant or unpleasant sensation is based on our past experiences, which drive our behaviour in the present and eventually become part of our personality (De Silva, 1976).

This theory goes even further to state that we actively seek out people, things and situations that arouse pleasant sensations, and avoid anything that brings up any kind of unpleasant sensation within us.

In fact we become attached to anything that gives us pleasure and will even engage in destructive behaviour to experience this pleasure.

An example of this is drinking alcohol to feel happy or procrastinating to avoid work. We happily do this because we consider being drunk a pleasant sensation and work an unpleasant sensation. This suggests that all behaviours we engage in have an emotional payoff: pleasure.

One of the things I have started to understand from practising Vipassna Buddhism (www.dhamma.org) is that all objects arouse an unpleasant or pleasant physical sensation in us. The

Emotions from a Buddhist Perspective

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subconscious mind is constantly reacting to these objects; when an object makes us feel a pleasant sensation (emotionally and physically), we love it and seek more of it, but when it makes us feel bad physically and emotionally, we avoid it. Our whole lives then boil down to the quest for pleasure and the aversion of pain, which leads to misery because we’re constantly reacting to people, events and situations. When good things happen in our lives, we feel on top of the world, and when bad things happen, we feel very depressed. We stop being the masters of our destiny.

We say money is the root of all evil but I dare you to take the notes in your purse and command them to commit an evil act. I dare you to make the physical manifestation of money stand up and bestow confidence on you. It’s not possible because money is just paper, silver, bronze and plastic. If money was truly evil and this was an objective fact, then everyone that comes into contact with money should become evil or commit an evil act but this is not the case – different people experience money differently. Some become philanthropists and use money to better the world and, yes, others destroy the world for money. On the surface it seems that money is the motivator, but surely motivation lies with the individual, their mental process and deductive logic?

Where do we get all our stories and motivations about money and how do we make them real?

The root cause of our behaviour and emotions is our thoughts or consciousness. From a young age we look at the way our parents, family and society spend and make money and we form opinions about money. Not only that; we solidify our opinions with emotions. For example: let’s say you grew up seeing your parents fighting about money and maybe they even split up because of money. You may have come to the conclusion that money breaks up relationships, and this thought is accompanied by hatred of money or fear of money for the power it has. This underlying belief and emotion about money will most likely lead to avoidance behaviour around money. You may even end up convincing yourself that

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money is not important in life and undercharge for your services.The same logic can be used with money. If we feel money is

unpleasant, then we’ll do everything in our power to avoid it by misspending it, undercharging for our services, self-sabotaging, etc.

On the other hand, if we believe money is the root of pleasure, we despair when we lose it and will spend our lives chasing it, hoarding it, stealing it, etc.

So what is the solution to dealing with these emotions that

throw us off balance?

Vipassna Buddhism states that we have to remain equanimous (balanced) – we should neither seek out pleasant sensations nor should we run from unpleasant sensations; we should just be present to whatever sensations we feel in our bodies and accept that all things change. When you start reacting negatively to your bad financial situation, you lose your mind and you teach your mind to react negatively, and since it’s human nature to shy away from anything unpleasant, you automatically start shying away from your finances, which makes the situation worse.

Applying this concept to money means that we see money as it is – an exchange of value – without attaching any emotion to it.

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CHAPTER 3

How Emotions Affect Financial Behaviour

Economists define money as a measure of value. The first thing that all economics students learn is that money has no value except the value that we give it.

Neoclassical economists have always believed that people make rational economic decisions. This assumption works well in theory, but it doesn’t hold up in the real world as can be seen by the economic booms and busts that characterise the global economy.

These booms and busts have given rise to a new school of thought: behavioural economics, which argues that people aren’t rational and are ruled by their emotions when it comes to making economic decisions.

Dawney & Shah (2005) state that when it comes to decision-making there are seven factors that affect human behaviour:

1. Other people: people will behave in a way that wins the approval of others by making themselves look good, like spending money you don’t have to win your friends’ approval.

2. Daily habits: people’s behaviour is based on past experiences and is preconditioned.

3. People want to do the right thing: people will often make irrational decisions with their finances if they perceive their actions to be morally correct.

How Emotions Affect Financial Behaviour

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4. Self-expectations: people will behave in a way that aligns with their view of themselves. For example: if you believe you’re bad with money, you’ll behave in a way that aligns with this view of yourself by mismanaging money.

5. Risk averse: people don’t feel comfortable taking risks with their property, which affects investment behaviour.

6. People are bad at computation: people worry too much about how problems are presented and have a hard time thinking long term. This will affect savings in the long term because we tend to focus on financial problems as they arise in this moment and forget about tomorrow.

7. People need to feel involved in decision-making: even if there’s enough of a financial incentive to do something, people will not be satisfied with the end result unless they’re involved in the decision-making process. For example: we’ll irrationally let go of an excellent business opportunity because we weren’t part of the decision-making or founding process.

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Law of Attraction and Emotions

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CHAPTER 4

Law of Attraction and Emotions

Abraham-Hicks, the leading teachers on the law of attraction, argue that our emotions are vibrational interpreters that help us understand the physical world.

They claim that we should only take action when we’re feeling calm, balanced and happy because taking action from a place of fear and conflict will only lead to an undesired outcome.

Why? Because according to the law of attraction, we shape our lives

through our thoughts, words, emotions and actions. This is the law of cause and effect: negative thoughts and emotions (cause) can only create a negative outcome (effect).

You’re the creator of your own reality and your external environment is a reflection of your internal environment, because what you focus your attention on persists and shows up as part of your reality in relationships and finances.

If you want to attract wealth into your life, you have to focus your thoughts on abundance, talk about abundance and take action that attracts and creates wealth.

Your emotions are important to the process of manifestation (creating the life of your dreams), because they act as vibrational indicators that let you know what you’re thinking.

Negative emotions reflect your negative thinking and introduce resistance to the manifestation process. Positive emotions reflect

Law of Attraction and Emotions

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your positive thinking and help you attract the things you want into your life faster.

The law of attraction puts a lot of emphasis on positive thinking because thoughts have the power to shape your reality. Changing your focus changes your thoughts, which changes your emotional set point, which in turn changes what you attract into your life.

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