3 0 F O S T E R I N G F A M I L I E S T O D A Y I M A R C H / A P R I L 2 0 1 3 I W W W . F O S T E R I N G F A M I L I E S T O D A Y . C O M

Perhaps one of the most difficult aspects of being a foster parent is the moment when your foster child leaves your home. As a foster parent, your home becomes a place where foster children come for a period of time, with the goal of being reunited with their family in the near future. Reunification is not possible for some foster children, and the birth parents rights are terminated. As a result, these children become available for adoption, and some foster parents do indeed end up making their foster child a permanent addition to their family through adoption. If reunification is not possible with the birth parents, many foster children instead are placed into a birth family members home. Whatever the reason might be, reunification can be a difficult time for foster parents, as the child they have come to love leaves their home. Indeed, for many foster parents, contact with a former foster child after reunification is a time of deep sadness and grief, as there is no closure for the foster parents.

Each foster child is different, and each placement into a home creates different sets of emotions. As a foster parent, there may be those children you do not have strong attachments to, due to emotional or behavioral issues, yet an attachment with these children is still made, nonetheless. Some foster children

will be so difficult, that you may even ask for them to be removed. Still, other foster children will steal your heart, and will become a dear and cherished member of your family, leaving you heartbroken. When any foster child leaves your home, no matter the level of attachment, there will be emotions when it is time to say goodbye, for both you and the child. Rest assured, many foster parents do feel grief during the removal of their foster child, as the child has come to be an important and loved member of their family. After all, the removal of a foster child from a foster home is akin to a loss, and any loss can cause grieving.

Whenever a loved one leaves home, emotions of grief and sadness are normal. Other times, though, a foster parent may be angry with the removal, as the parent may feel that the new placement is not in the best interest of the child. Pointing this out to the child will only upset him or her further. It is necessary for you, as a foster parent, to remember that you are not in charge of the situation, as difficult as it may be. The removal of foster children from a home is often a decision that is made in the court.

STAGES OF GRIEF. Grief can be expressed in variety of ways, depending upon the individual, as it is personal. Some will shed tears and cry while others will hold it inside.

Some will busy themselves in a task, while other will seem detached and far away. The departure of your foster child from your home can be one that is devastating to you and your family. A brief look at the stages of grief, based upon Kubler-Ross well-known stages of grief established in 1969, is important in order to fully understand the feelings that may come along with the removal of your foster child from your family. These same feelings may be felt by your foster child when he or she is removed from his or her own home, and first placed in yours.

SHOCK. The removal of the foster child may bring feelings of shock to the foster family. After a family member has formed an emotional attachment to the family, the sudden removal may cause deep shock and uncertainty, leaving the foster family confused.

DENIAL. With a sudden departure, some foster parents may deny that they ever formed a relationship with their foster child, or feel any sadness toward the removal. Even though they deny these feelings, they grieve believing that they were unable to provide the help the child needed.

ANGER. A foster childs removal from a foster parent home may bring feelings of anger and

Handling Foster Parent

Stress, Loss & Grief

F O S T E R I N G F A M I L I E S T O D A Y I M A R C H / A P R I L 2 0 1 3 I W W W . F O S T E R I N G F A M I L I E S T O D A Y . C O M 3 1

severe disappointment with the caseworker, as well as with the child welfare agency system. Foster parents may blame the system or caseworker for the placement of their foster child into an environment they feel is not productive, or may even be harmful to the child.

GUILT. During this stage, foster parents may experience feelings of guilt, blaming themselves with the belief that they are at fault, and try to comprehend what they did wrong in the removal of the foster child. Still, other foster parents may experience guilt if they were the ones asking for the removal, as they were unable to continue caring for the child.

BARGAINING. Some foster parents will try to substitute the grief they have with helping others in need, in an attempt to justify the loss of their foster child. Others will try to substitute the loss with the placement of another foster child in their home, hoping that this new child will help them forget about the child that just left.

DEPRESSION. There are different components to depression brought on by grief. Some foster parents will become easily irritated; others will experience a constant state of feeling tired. Others will feel as if they can no longer continue with their day-to-day lives, and have a difficult time with the tasks associated with family, friends, work and marriage.

ACCEPTANCE. After the passage of time, the grief from the loss of the foster child decreases, allowing the foster parent to accept the removal of the child, and move on. The emotional well-being of the foster parent improves, and a sense of understanding of the childs removal becomes clearer.

SELF-CARE IN A TIME OF LOSS. For foster parents grieving the loss of a foster child from their home, perhaps the most important step they can take to aid in this time of loss is to surround themselves with a support group. Many times, foster parent associations fill this role, as they provide fellow foster parents who

have undergone the same displacement, or removal of a child, within their own homes. Churches and loved ones may also provide this type of support. Within these groups, foster parents will have the opportunity to express their grief without feelings of embarrassment or judgment. Indeed, as one of the stages of grief is that of anger, grieving foster parents can release their anger to members of these support groups.

Many foster parents choose to put their feelings of loss and grief to paper and pen, writing down their emotions in a journal or diary. This allows the grieving foster parent the chance to release the feelings in a more private manner, yet release them, never the less. To be sure, if feelings of loss and grief are not given the opportunity to be released, they will become suppressed, which may lead to complications later in life with unhealthy results such as depression, anxiety and other health related problems. With this in mind, it is most important for foster parents to recognize they may be experiencing loss, and to face these feelings in some fashion.

For some, grief and loss may lead to physical health issues, such as stress, fatigue and tension. Regular exercise and healthy eating habits are essential in combating these issues. During this time of loss, it is also important that foster parents ensure that they are getting enough sleep, as lack of proper rest will also result in stress and fatigue.

Specific calendar dates may also trigger overwhelming feelings of grief and loss. Birthdays, holidays and certain milestones for the foster child and family may revive memories and feelings. Foster parents suffering from loss need to be aware of this beforehand, and prepare themselves for these feelings.

If you do have contact with your former foster child, consider contacting the child.

After all, it is likely that the child will be missing his or her former foster family, as well.

To help the child, as well as yourself, in this time of transition, it is important to reach out and contact him or her. Call the child on the phone and allow the child to tell you all about his or her new home and family. Encourage your own children to speak with the child, as well. Write letters to the child and send pictures of your family and family events from time to time. Remember birthdays and other important events in the childs life, including holidays and school events and send cards. If you live nearby, let the child know when you can attend school functions and extra-curricular activities or programs. If possible, arrange visits for the child to come to your house. Not only will he or she enjoy it, but the new or biological family may certainly appreciate the break, as well.

Saying goodbye is never easy for anyone, and may be especially difficult for you and your foster child. After your foster child leaves your home, you may feel like you never wish to foster again, as the pain is too great. The grief you feel may be overwhelming. With the right preparation, though, this time of transition can be a little bit easier for all involved.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Dr. John DeGarmo is a leading expert in the foster care field. DeGarmo wrote his dissertation on fostering, titled, Responding to the Needs of Foster Children in Rural Schools. He is a speaker and trainer on many topics about the foster care system, and travels around the nation delivering passionate, dynamic, energetic, and informative presentations. DeGarmo is the author of the highly inspirational Fostering Love: One Foster Parents Story, a bestseller at many sites. He writes for many magazines and newsletters across both the USA, and in Europe, as well. He has been a foster parent for 11 years, now, and he and his wife have had more than 30 children come through their home. In his spare time, John enjoys gardening, traveling the world, and performing in front of others. He can be contacted at drjohndegarmo@gmail, his facebook page, Dr. John DeGarmo, or at his website, www.drejohndegarmo.com.

fea

tureBY

JO

HN

DE

GA

RM

O, P

H.D

.