Grief & Loss:The School Counselor’s Guide

Lacee Tolliver

Objectives

• Common causes of childhood grief and loss• Developmental factors• Identify normal and complicated reactions to

loss and bereavement • Personal and cultural factors• Role of the school counselor• Interventions

Reflect

• Think about what you know already know about children & grief

• What are common messages we hear about children & grief?

• What questions do you have?

DefinitionsLoss

The disappearance of something cherished, such as a person, possession or pet.

GriefThe normal, multifaceted response to a loss. Can include emotional, cognitive, physical, behavioral and social components.

BereavementThe process of adjusting to a loss.

MourningThe culturally structured response to grief.

Historical Perspective

• Kubler-Ross 5 stages of grief• Berger’s 5 identities of griever• Freud• Bonanno’s 4 trajectories of grief

Resilience- most common reactionRecovery-symptoms of intense grief for short periodChronic dysfunction-prolonged sufferingDelayed grief-adjustment seems normal, but it then turns into recovery or chronic dysfunction after several months

The Statistics

• Of high school juniors and seniors…..90% have experienced grief related to death40% have experienced the death of a friend20% have witnessed a death

•1 in 20 children under the age of 15 will lose a parent•Most will get information about death & dying from

parents (Parent education)

Causes

• Individuals experience grief for many different reasons

• Death of a parent, grandparent, sibling, other family member or friend

• Death of a pet• Parent’s divorce or move• Do not delegitimize the student’s losses

Influenced by…

Social supports Circumstances Relationship

Previous experiences

Emotional & Developmental

ageCulture

Responses

Varies across developmental stage

Ages 4-7 Ages 7-11 Ages 12-18

Responses for 4-7 year olds• Concept of Death:

Reversible, personification of death. Feeling of responsibility because of wishes and thoughts. Common statements: “It’s my fault. I was mad and wished she’d die.

• Grief Response:More verbalization. Concerned with process. How? Why? Repetitive questioning. May act as though nothing has happened. General distress and confusion.

• Signs of Distress:Regression: nightmares, sleeping and eating disturbed. Possible violent play. Attempts to take on role of person who died

Responses

Varies across developmental stage

Ages 4-7 Ages 7-11 Ages 12-18

Responses for 7-11 year olds• Concept of Death:

Death seen as punishment. Fear of bodily harm and mutilation. This is a difficult transition period, still wanting to see death as reversible but beginning to see it as final. Do not think it could happen to anyone they know.

• Grief Response:Specific questions. Desire for complete detail. Concerned with how others are responding. What is the right way to respond? Starting to have ability to mourn and understand mourning.

• Signs of Distress:Regression: school problems, withdrawal from friends. Acting out. Sleeping and eating disturbed. Overwhelming concern with body. Death thoughts (desire to join one who died). Role confusion.

Responses

Varies across developmental stage

Ages 4-7 Ages 7-11 Ages 12-18

Responses for 12-18 year olds

• Concept of Death:A more “adult” approach. Ability to abstract. Beginning to conceptualize death. Work at making sense of things.

• Grief Response:Extreme sadness. Denial. Regression. More often willing to talk to people outside of family and peer support. Risk taking. Traditional mourning.

• Signs of Distress:Depression. Anger often towards parents. Suicidal thoughts. Non-compliance. Rejection of former teaching. Role confusion. Acting out.

Complicated Grief

• Complicated grief may require more intense counseling, outside referral

Traumatic loss

Intensity & Duration

Functional decline

Total denial

PTSD type reactions

Influenced by…

Social supports Circumstances Relationship

Previous experiences

Emotional & Developmental

ageCulture

Cultural Factors

• Mourning looks different from culture to culture

• Socio-cultural• Ethnic• Religious/philosophical • Afterlife, burial rites, expected attitudes of

loved ones, gender differences, how to tell children

Exploring personal reactions

• Sensitive topic• People often avoid thinking about it• Must know our own attitudes and fears• Consider how this might impact your work

with grieving students

ASCA National Model

• IV-A-9. Providing responsive services, including grief and bereavement

• IV-B-3c. Demonstrates an ability to provide counseling for students during times of transition, separation, heightened stress and critical change

• IV-C-2. School counselors coordinate and facilitate counseling and other services to ensure all students receive the care they need, even though school counselors may not personally provide the care themselves

What is our purpose?

• Grief is a natural process• Most will eventually be fine• Current research focusing on limitations of

grief counseling & potentially harmful effects• Although we are not grief counselors, what

can we do?• Support the child at school

In the school...

• Before a student returns after a traumatic lossTalk with the studentTalk with the parent, if possibleTalk with the classProvide a way for students to reach out to their friend

In the school...

• School wideLet teachers know what to expect & what they can doBe available for teacher supportEncourage routineProvide both structure and flexibilitySet and enforce limitsDo not act as if nothing happened

Ages 4-7

• Art projects and drawings• Balloon with a message• Books: When Dinosaurs Die, Badger’s Parting

Gifts

Interventions

Varies across developmental stage

Ages 4-7 Ages 7-11 Ages 12-18

Ages 7-11

• Acrostic poems• Colleges• GTI- supported by research, $28• Relaxation techniques

Interventions

Varies across developmental stage

Ages 4-7 Ages 7-11 Ages 12-18

Ages 12-18

• Wordle• Journaling/letter writing• Inside/outside art activity• Books-for lots of situations• When you get angry/sad cards

Remember…

• Grief and loss are unique for each individual• School counselors role is to help support

student at school, connect to resources, identify complicated responses to grief

• Questions, comments, discussion?

Resources

• http://www.childrengrieve.org/• http://childgrief.org/childgrief.htm• http://www.dougy.org/ • https://www.childrengrieve.org/sites/default/

files/C7%20Clinical%20Grief%20Activities%20booklet%20handout.pdf