gottman couple therapy, feminist family therapy and parts models: briefly counseling 420,...

Gottman Couple Therapy, Gottman Couple Therapy, Feminist Family Therapy and Feminist Family Therapy and

Parts Models: BrieflyParts Models: BrieflyCounseling 420, Introduction to Family Counseling. Counseling 420, Introduction to Family Counseling.

Dr. Jeffrey K Edwards, LMFTDr. Jeffrey K Edwards, LMFTDepartment of Counselor Education, Department of Counselor Education,

The Family Program,The Family Program,Northeastern Illinois University. Chicago, ILNortheastern Illinois University. Chicago, IL

Gottman Couple TherapyGottman Couple Therapy

John M. Gottman’s Laboratory at the University of John M. Gottman’s Laboratory at the University of Washington has dedicated over three decades toward the Washington has dedicated over three decades toward the research of couples and couple therapy. They have hard research of couples and couple therapy. They have hard data of both physiological and psychological events. data of both physiological and psychological events. Work is looking at both what makes couples fail and Work is looking at both what makes couples fail and what makes them work.what makes them work.

The success or failure of a marriage does not depend on The success or failure of a marriage does not depend on whether there is conflict in a relationship, but on how whether there is conflict in a relationship, but on how the conflict is handled.the conflict is handled.


The Four Horsemen – expressions of specific The Four Horsemen – expressions of specific negative behaviors.negative behaviors.

CriticismCriticismContempt Contempt Defensiveness Defensiveness StonewallingStonewalling



Criticism – more damaging than complaints. Criticism – more damaging than complaints. Includes character attacks, i.e., “you never pick up Includes character attacks, i.e., “you never pick up after yourself,” “You are really boring.” Also after yourself,” “You are really boring.” Also includes global complaints, i.e., “You never…..” or includes global complaints, i.e., “You never…..” or You always……” You always……”



Contempt – is most corrosive and more destructive Contempt – is most corrosive and more destructive than criticism. It conveys disgust and disrespect. It than criticism. It conveys disgust and disrespect. It can include sarcasm, mockery, insults, eye rolls, can include sarcasm, mockery, insults, eye rolls, scowls, and hostile humor to belittle the intended scowls, and hostile humor to belittle the intended partner. Hinders any attempts at reconciliation, and partner. Hinders any attempts at reconciliation, and usually includes an attitude of superiority.usually includes an attitude of superiority.



Defensiveness – Attempts to blame the partner for Defensiveness – Attempts to blame the partner for the aggressor's behavior. It usually becomes a the aggressor's behavior. It usually becomes a counterattack. That escalates negativity.counterattack. That escalates negativity.



Stonewalling – an overwhelmed partner uses this to Stonewalling – an overwhelmed partner uses this to convey that (he) does not want to continue the convey that (he) does not want to continue the interaction. It is usually a man, and the pattern is his interaction. It is usually a man, and the pattern is his withdrawal in the face of active pursuit and withdrawal in the face of active pursuit and demands. Although the stonewaller appears hostile, demands. Although the stonewaller appears hostile, his actual feelings are “when is she going to stop.”his actual feelings are “when is she going to stop.”Physical sense of Physical sense of emotional floodingemotional flooding, and the , and the person is so overwhelmed that they cannot even person is so overwhelmed that they cannot even listen. This, of course, only serves to infuriate the listen. This, of course, only serves to infuriate the partner more, and provoke their mate to “engage, partner more, and provoke their mate to “engage, discuss, and be accountable.discuss, and be accountable.


When all four horsemen are present, Gottman can When all four horsemen are present, Gottman can predict with 94% accuracy a divorce or separation will predict with 94% accuracy a divorce or separation will occur, usually within the early part of the relationship.occur, usually within the early part of the relationship.

Emotionally disengaged couples do not display the Four Emotionally disengaged couples do not display the Four Horsemen, as they do not even care to get into these Horsemen, as they do not even care to get into these highly charged and emotionally embroiled battles. highly charged and emotionally embroiled battles. These couples live in quiet desperation but end up These couples live in quiet desperation but end up divorces usually within 7 to 14 years. The relationship divorces usually within 7 to 14 years. The relationship just slowly withers and dies.just slowly withers and dies.


Flooding – the state of being emotionally and Flooding – the state of being emotionally and physically overwhelmed to the point of physically overwhelmed to the point of inattentiveness and inaction. Palms are sweating, inattentiveness and inaction. Palms are sweating, heart rate increases to over 90 beats a minute, heart rate increases to over 90 beats a minute, and breathing becomes shallow. At this point it is and breathing becomes shallow. At this point it is impossible to take in new information.impossible to take in new information.The partners need to take a break from the The partners need to take a break from the discussion and slow the (man’s) heart rate. discussion and slow the (man’s) heart rate. Partner needs to learn to read the signs and not Partner needs to learn to read the signs and not pursue so actively. Engage in soothing activities.pursue so actively. Engage in soothing activities.Return to conflict discussion as soon as possible.Return to conflict discussion as soon as possible.


Some problems are never solved, only new Some problems are never solved, only new ways of bringing up the problem or getting ways of bringing up the problem or getting around it are found. Find a degree of peace around it are found. Find a degree of peace around it, and recognize that some issues will around it, and recognize that some issues will never be solved.never be solved.Accept influence from each other. During an Accept influence from each other. During an argument, yielding order to “win” in the argument, yielding order to “win” in the relationship. Finding a point of agreement, not relationship. Finding a point of agreement, not yielding to other’s will or point or surrendering yielding to other’s will or point or surrendering oneself. (car in traffic analogy) oneself. (car in traffic analogy)


Repair attemptsRepair attempts – –Interactions that decrease negative escalationsInteractions that decrease negative escalations ..

Goofy facesGoofy facesSaying something off beatSaying something off beatGives a brief diversion from the conflictGives a brief diversion from the conflict

Happy Couples use repair attempts all the timeHappy Couples use repair attempts all the timeResponse to repair attempts are usually positiveResponse to repair attempts are usually positiveUse them early in any conflict.Use them early in any conflict.


Bid – TurnBid – TurnAn invitation to interact is a bid. (bid for attention)An invitation to interact is a bid. (bid for attention)Partner’s response will either improve or erode the Partner’s response will either improve or erode the relationship. Happily married couples rarely ignore relationship. Happily married couples rarely ignore their partner’s bids. 85% of bids are met with their partner’s bids. 85% of bids are met with positive responses.positive responses.Playful bids – good natured teasing, gentle physical Playful bids – good natured teasing, gentle physical sparring of different sorts.sparring of different sorts.Have better access to humor, and a bank of positive Have better access to humor, and a bank of positive feelings about the relationship to rely on.feelings about the relationship to rely on.


Re writing the past – Re writing the past –

A couple’s description of the past predicts the A couple’s description of the past predicts the future of the relationship.future of the relationship.

Those couples with negative views of the past, deeply Those couples with negative views of the past, deeply entrenched in that view.entrenched in that view.

Happy couples highlight their good memories. Happy couples highlight their good memories.

Oral History Interview – Oral History Interview – Beginning of relationshipBeginning of relationshipPhilosophy of marriage (togetherness)Philosophy of marriage (togetherness)How relationship has changed over timeHow relationship has changed over timeWhat marriage was like in F.O.What marriage was like in F.O.


Happy marriages – look fondly at the Happy marriages – look fondly at the beginnings. Even if things were not perfect, they beginnings. Even if things were not perfect, they tend to highlight the positives, and joke about tend to highlight the positives, and joke about the low points. Remember how positive they felt the low points. Remember how positive they felt in the beginning. in the beginning.

Unhappy marriages – Unhappy marriages – Negativity toward spouseNegativity toward spouseChaotic perceptions of life togetherChaotic perceptions of life togetherDisappointment/DisillusionmentDisappointment/Disillusionment


Happy Couples –Happy Couples –Fondness and admiration – still “in love.”Fondness and admiration – still “in love.”

Remember first impressions with good feelingsRemember first impressions with good feelingsBelieve that their spouse is worthy of admiration.Believe that their spouse is worthy of admiration.Even though they acknowledge flaws in partner, they still Even though they acknowledge flaws in partner, they still have a sense that they are worthy honor and respect. When have a sense that they are worthy honor and respect. When this sense is gone, relationship cannot be revived. this sense is gone, relationship cannot be revived.

Aware of Love Maps – Aware of Love Maps – Expressive and descriptive of relationshipExpressive and descriptive of relationshipIntimately familiar with partners world.Intimately familiar with partners world.

Remember major events in each other’s world and keep updating Remember major events in each other’s world and keep updating these as they grow together.these as they grow together.


Happy CouplesHappy CouplesGlorifying the StruggleGlorifying the Struggle

Happy couples approach their hardships as trials to Happy couples approach their hardships as trials to be overcome – believe that the struggles make the be overcome – believe that the struggles make the relationship stronger (raising my kids) (families relationship stronger (raising my kids) (families opposed to marriage, yet succeeding)opposed to marriage, yet succeeding)Realizing that even the struggles within the Realizing that even the struggles within the relationship are what makes them strong and was relationship are what makes them strong and was worth the struggle.worth the struggle.

We-ness –We-ness –Languaging the togetherness. Have same beliefs Languaging the togetherness. Have same beliefs and values. “We built the house together.”and values. “We built the house together.”


Finally, the influence of the New Father Finally, the influence of the New Father

The couple’s friendship buffers their struggle The couple’s friendship buffers their struggle through transition to parenthood. through transition to parenthood.

It is the father’s fondness, awareness and It is the father’s fondness, awareness and lack of being negative during their early years lack of being negative during their early years that buffer’s his wife’s negativity during that buffer’s his wife’s negativity during childbirth.childbirth.

Gottman, J.Gottman, J.

Feminist Family Therapy Feminist Family Therapy Rachel Hare-Mustin, Betty Carter, Peggy Papp, Rachel Hare-Mustin, Betty Carter, Peggy Papp, Olga Silverstein, Marianne Walters.Olga Silverstein, Marianne Walters.

As the feminist movement emerged in the late 1960’s As the feminist movement emerged in the late 1960’s continuing into the 1970’s, the basic assumptions of family continuing into the 1970’s, the basic assumptions of family therapy were challenged. Up until this point theoretical therapy were challenged. Up until this point theoretical discussion on the differences between men and women in discussion on the differences between men and women in spite of the difference in male and female socialization were spite of the difference in male and female socialization were essentially non-existent. Men and women were seen as equals essentially non-existent. Men and women were seen as equals in families in spite of the inequity in terms of distribution of in families in spite of the inequity in terms of distribution of power. Women were held just as accountable as men were power. Women were held just as accountable as men were even in the area of domestic violence and sexual abuse.even in the area of domestic violence and sexual abuse.

Feminist Family Therapy Feminist Family Therapy

Feminism has been described as a way in Feminism has been described as a way in which one views and understands realities. which one views and understands realities. Feminism is a process that begins with the Feminism is a process that begins with the recognition of the inferior status of women recognition of the inferior status of women and looks at the specific forms and causes of and looks at the specific forms and causes of that inequality. that inequality.


Feminist Family Therapy is "the application of Feminist Family Therapy is "the application of feminist theory and values to family therapy" feminist theory and values to family therapy" (Goodrich, Rampage, Ellman & Halstead, 1988). (Goodrich, Rampage, Ellman & Halstead, 1988). Gender roles and socialization affect each individual Gender roles and socialization affect each individual in the family system as well as their interpersonal in the family system as well as their interpersonal relationships in the system. Gender roles affect relationships in the system. Gender roles affect relationships between the family and society as well relationships between the family and society as well as the client and therapist exchange (P. Colucci-as the client and therapist exchange (P. Colucci-Corritt, 1999). Corritt, 1999).


1.1. Complementarity when applied to married couples does not Complementarity when applied to married couples does not take into consideration that women are ultimately at a take into consideration that women are ultimately at a disadvantage living in a society structured by law, social custom, disadvantage living in a society structured by law, social custom, and religious doctrine which keeps the women in a and religious doctrine which keeps the women in a disadvantaged position ( Goodrich, Rampage, Ellman disadvantaged position ( Goodrich, Rampage, Ellman &Halstead, 1988) &Halstead, 1988)

2.2. When there are issues that are clearly sexist the neutral When there are issues that are clearly sexist the neutral therapist is perpetuating the inequality by the very fact that he therapist is perpetuating the inequality by the very fact that he or she is remaining neutral. or she is remaining neutral.

3.3. Circularity suggests that responsibility for interactional dyads Circularity suggests that responsibility for interactional dyads remains equal. If we apply this concept to domestic violence, it remains equal. If we apply this concept to domestic violence, it holds her equally responsible for the abuse as him. He is more holds her equally responsible for the abuse as him. He is more powerful than she is but she is "equally to blame". powerful than she is but she is "equally to blame".

(P. Colucci-Corritt, 1999). (P. Colucci-Corritt, 1999).


Three gender-based assumptions define male-female Three gender-based assumptions define male-female roles, which feminists struggle to change:roles, which feminists struggle to change:

1. Men believe they should always have the privilege 1. Men believe they should always have the privilege and the right to control women’s lives.and the right to control women’s lives.

2. Women believe they are responsible for whatever 2. Women believe they are responsible for whatever goes wrong in a human relationshipgoes wrong in a human relationship

3. Women believe men are essential for their well-3. Women believe men are essential for their well-being - essential rather than merely desirable or being - essential rather than merely desirable or

enjoyable. Gender role stereotyping hurts families.enjoyable. Gender role stereotyping hurts families.


..

Feminist family therapy holds that:Feminist family therapy holds that:•Both men and women are accountable for the quality of marital and family Both men and women are accountable for the quality of marital and family life.life.•Rather than rigid role definition and difference, good relationships are Rather than rigid role definition and difference, good relationships are marked by mutuality, reciprocity and interdependence.marked by mutuality, reciprocity and interdependence.•All people responsible for fostering the growth of our children are charged All people responsible for fostering the growth of our children are charged both with nurturing them and with helping them be proficient in the world both with nurturing them and with helping them be proficient in the world outside the home.outside the home.•Family structure does not need to be hierarchical to carry out family Family structure does not need to be hierarchical to carry out family functions, rather let it be democratic, responsive, consensual.functions, rather let it be democratic, responsive, consensual.•The respect, love and safety required for the best of human growth and The respect, love and safety required for the best of human growth and enjoyment are equally possible in a variety of constellations: lesbian enjoyment are equally possible in a variety of constellations: lesbian relationships, single-parent families, dual career couples and others.relationships, single-parent families, dual career couples and others.•Connection and autonomy are to be equally sought, and each is a necessary Connection and autonomy are to be equally sought, and each is a necessary condition for the other.condition for the other.•Power, as so far exercised by men, fathers and husbands, is not to be more Power, as so far exercised by men, fathers and husbands, is not to be more equally shared but banished altogether and replaced by giving one’s skills equally shared but banished altogether and replaced by giving one’s skills and influence towards the well-being of others just as one also does for and influence towards the well-being of others just as one also does for one’s own well-being.one’s own well-being.


..

The feminist family therapist uses a variety of techniques drawn from various The feminist family therapist uses a variety of techniques drawn from various schools of family therapy, but will be sensitive not to use any technique that is schools of family therapy, but will be sensitive not to use any technique that is sexist or oppressive. The methodology of feminist family therapy includes:sexist or oppressive. The methodology of feminist family therapy includes:1. Using self in the therapy as a model of human behavior not so constrained by 1. Using self in the therapy as a model of human behavior not so constrained by gender stereotypes.gender stereotypes.2. Creating a process in which the use of such skills as validation, 2. Creating a process in which the use of such skills as validation, empowerment, and demystification increases their sense of having options for empowerment, and demystification increases their sense of having options for themselves and develops greater reciprocity among family members.themselves and develops greater reciprocity among family members.3. Developing an analysis of gender roles in the family.3. Developing an analysis of gender roles in the family.4. Using this analysis to guide interactions with the family in ways that both 4. Using this analysis to guide interactions with the family in ways that both challenge and free them from constricted, stereotypical patterns of behavior.challenge and free them from constricted, stereotypical patterns of behavior.5. Drawing techniques from a variety of extant family therapy approaches, with 5. Drawing techniques from a variety of extant family therapy approaches, with full awareness of the gender consequences of these techniques.full awareness of the gender consequences of these techniques.Finally, feminist family therapy is a moral endeavor, based on a vision of Finally, feminist family therapy is a moral endeavor, based on a vision of human life and of the environment best suited to produce and nourish the life of human life and of the environment best suited to produce and nourish the life of each individual, regardless of gender or status.each individual, regardless of gender or status.From: Feminist Family Therapy by Thelma Jean Goodrich, Cheryl Rampage, From: Feminist Family Therapy by Thelma Jean Goodrich, Cheryl Rampage, Barbara Eliman, and Kris Haistead, (W.W. Norton:New York, 1988.)Barbara Eliman, and Kris Haistead, (W.W. Norton:New York, 1988.)

Parts ModelsParts Models

Psychosynthesis – Roberto Assagioli

Internal Family Systems – Richard Schwartz


People naturally talk about their “parts” as in “part People naturally talk about their “parts” as in “part of me wants to do….and part of me wants to of me wants to do….and part of me wants to do….” do….”

We all have subpersonalities – “good girl” vs. We all have subpersonalities – “good girl” vs. “wild women,” or “tireless hard worker,” “fun “wild women,” or “tireless hard worker,” “fun loving guy,” “respectful and spiritual” vs “?” loving guy,” “respectful and spiritual” vs “?”


Competent ProfessionalCompetent Professional

naughtynaughty

FraudFraud

Good Good

Self Self


Task is to become aware of the parts (sub-Task is to become aware of the parts (sub-personalities), thicken them so we know them personalities), thicken them so we know them well, and then to have the self direct their use well, and then to have the self direct their use when appropriate.when appropriate.

The more we understand ourselves and our parts, The more we understand ourselves and our parts, the closer we become to spiritual understandings.the closer we become to spiritual understandings.


Respectful sonRespectful son

DisobedientDisobedient sonson

Demanding FatherDemanding Father

Understanding FatherUnderstanding Father


The internal part’s voices conflict with each The internal part’s voices conflict with each other, thus they can learn and use their different other, thus they can learn and use their different parts in better ways.parts in better ways.

In dealing with sexual abuse, Schwartz has found In dealing with sexual abuse, Schwartz has found that many times the parts have been useful to the that many times the parts have been useful to the client in disassociating from the event(s), and in client in disassociating from the event(s), and in reclaiming them and working with them, the client reclaiming them and working with them, the client is able to deal with the trauma better.is able to deal with the trauma better.

gottman couple therapy, feminist family therapy and parts models: briefly counseling 420,...

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