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Good griefdealing with ordinary people experiencing the extraordinary T he statistics are staggering.

More than two million people 1 in the United States die per year.’ Hundreds of women mis- carry per year.‘ Almost 50% of marriages end in divorce.? At some point, loss and the resulting grief will touch one or more of your professional colleagues. How you respond to the situation in the workplace can directly affect the healing process.

Regardless of who you are and what you do, at some level you are a leader. At a time of loss, oth- ers may watch how you respond because they are unsure of how to handle the situation themselves. Consequently, you can set the stage. Will you pretend the loss did not occur, or will you acknowledge it directly? What happens when death or loss touch- es a coworker can be up to you,

Leaders are not affaid to get to know the people they work with on both a professional and person- al level. Doing so enables people to begin and continue their grief process more quickly after they experience a loss. The following guidelines, along with advice pro- vided in Table 1, will help you take a leadership role in dealing with these situations.

BE PREPARED People do not expect you to be

an expert, but they do expect you to say the right thing at the right time with the right intention. You can do this by studying available information about death, disease, divorce, and depression to learn

how others can be supported best in difficult times. Another way to learn the best approach is to talk to friends, family members, and neighbors well after their experi- ence with loss. Ask them what it was like, what they wish cowork- ers had said, and how they would have liked their supervisors to respond. Even better, ask them to talk about those who responded well and really helped.

BE PRESENT

the case of death, attending the visitation or memorial service sends a clear message of support. Sending flowers or a card with a personal message is another way to show your concern. In the case of divorce, miscarriage, or other loss, it is important to acknowl- edge the event with a prompt tele- phone call, a handwritten note, an impromptu lunch invitation, or a warm hand on the shoulder.

Often, people who have suf- fered a loss or death of a loved one simply want to talk about that person with someone else. It is helpful to ask questions about the person, comment on the relation- ship in positive terms, and be aErming. Your questions and comments can be warm without being invasive. Make regular and genuine contact and act as a

Your presence is important. In

KEVIN O’CONNOR, MA, MA, MPS, CSP, is a professional speaker and consultant, author; and faculp mem- ber at Loyola Universip of Chicago.

friend, not as a psychologist or even a professional nurse. Another way to help heal is to ask if there is anything you can do.

Remember that the most d i e - cult time for someone who is grieving is not always immediately after the death or loss. Some of the most critical days occur at a later time. Often, coworkers unrealisti- cally expect a grieving colleague to be “recovered” from the death or loss after he or she returns to work. Remembering the one-, six-, and 12-month anniversaries of the death or loss is an excellent way to help heal with your presence. By these times, the individual’s visi- tors may have left, and he or she is expected to get back to “normal.” Yet for those who are grieving, there often is no such thing.

dealing with grief is being able to trust another person to hear about the pain and loss. Consequently, the ultimate gift is being available if and when your coworker needs to talk about his or her loss. Remember the people in your own life who you were able to talk to and who listened and tried to understand when you experi- enced a loss. Emulate what these individuals did. Listening is one of the best ways to give the gift of presence.

One of the greatest needs when

BE AUTHENTIC

regarding our own experiences with death and loss. Authentic people are greatly appreciated at times of loss, and we are most

Each of us has a special story

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Table 1 TIPS FOR DEALING WITH A COWORKER’S GRIEF

Remember that you can help normalize the situation by how you react initially. Listening is healing.

Attend the wake or memorial sewice. It is important to be present to acknowledge the situation and show respect.

m Provide tangible and intangible support. Alert members of the human resources department, stay in touch, and understand the individual’s need for time off from work. Offer to cover the individual’s call time or shifts.

Take little for granted. Remember that pain, loss, suffering, and uncertainty are individual matters.

m Keep in mind that the person’s loss is like all losses and like no other losses. Respect the differences we all have.

Mark your calendar. The one-, six-, and 12-month anniversaries of o death, divorce, or other loss are highly stressful and significant. Be alert and present in case you are needed to listen again.

Know that work will help the person’s recovery. Do not be shy about giving responsibility and delegating, but know that the individual’s work quality might suffer for awhile.

authentically ourselves when we appreciate how life is for us. What was it like when your friend died? Who was there for you? Chances are you do not remember every word a supportive person said, but you do recall that he or she was there, stayed a bit longer, held you when you cried, and shared the sorrow with you. Often, the best way to “say the right thing” is to simply be ourselves.

BE A GOOD LISTENER Perk up your ears and listen to

what is and is not being said. A critical error for many people is to assume that the less said is better. When tragedy strikes, it is com- mon for no one to want to talk except the person who is grieving. Without others who are willing to gently talk and encourage, howev- er, the grieving person may feel alienated or as if no one under- stands or even wants to under- stand. Imagine returning to work and having no one ask how you are doing in a manner, place, and time in which you really could talk. Asking “How are you doing?” as you pass in the hall is quite different from having coffee or lunch or taking a noonday walk to ask, “How are you? I’ve been thinking a lot about you and your family lately.”

BE COGNIZANT Often after a loss, a storm of

inner turmoil and stress remains just below the surface. It is easy to assume that if a person appears in good health, he or she truly is fine. People often are taught to keep their feelings in check. It is a

N O T E S

Abstract of the United States (Washington, DC: US Census Bureau, 1999) 75.

2. Ibid; A Eisenberg, H E Murkoff, S E Hathaway, What to

I . “Vital statistics” in Stutistical

good rule to always assume that grief is highly personal and proba- bly worse than the individual makes it appear on the surface. Never assume that death or loss is a neutral event. Even the death of a family pet can have a tremen- dous impact on a coworker.

BE UNDERSTANDING Healing does not come quickly

or occur in an entirely predictable fashion. Understanding the five stages of grief (ie, denial and iso- lation, anger, bargaining, depres- sion, acceptance) makes it easier to appreciate feelings the individ- ual may be experiencingP Re- member that each individual moves through each stage at a dif- ferent speed, and regression to earlier stages is not uncommon.s The grieving experience is unique to every individual.

Keep in mind that an individ- ual’s grief may become paralyzing or may affect his or her job per- formance negatively. If you believe your coworker’s grief is impairing his or her ability to perform, it may be necessary to suggest or require professional assistance.

CONCLUSION Many of us are familiar A t h

death and loss on a personal and often professional level; however, we may not be as familiar or skilled with handling these issues when they enter the world of work, man- agement, supervision, and leader- ship. It is important to listen, notice, and have the courage to talk about the death or loss with the coworker and others on your team. Regard- less of your leadership position, doing this will allow the coworker’s healing process to begin. A

Expect When You ‘re Expecting (New York: Workman Publishing, 1991) 111. R E S O U R C E

5. Ibid

3. “Vital statistics,” 75. 4. E Kubler-Ross, On Death and

Dying (New York: Macmillan Publishing, 1969) 38-137. cations, 1987).

Glen, G; Kofler, M; O’Connor, K. A Handbook for Ministen of Care (Chicago: Liturgy Training Publi-

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