Fierce Conversations

Engaging in effective Confrontations: A Step by

step method

Preventing conversations

from disintegrating

into verbal battles

requires 10 steps

1. NAME THE ISSUEThe Problem Named is the Problem Solved

Ex. I am not receiving the class notes

Vs.Ex. I am having a hard time keeping up with getting the information from class recorded

2. USE A SPECIFIC EXAMPLE TO ILLUSTRATE YOUR PERSPECTIVEProvide a short example to extend understanding

Ex. When you conducted the lecture on cellular mitosis I believe I missed recording a few of the phases; as simultaneous tasks are extremely challenging for me

3. DESCRIBE YOUR EMOTIONS ABOUT THIS ISSUE

This helps the person know that you are affected, that you are vulnerable (means of extending trust)

Ex. At this point I felt very frustrated because I know I can do well but this prevents me from showing it.

4. CLARIFY WHAT IS AT STAKEIn other words, why is this important?

Ex. This is important to me because I love science and feel that I could have a wonderful future in the field.

5. IDENTIFY YOUR CONTRIBUTIONS TO THIS PROBLEMAnswer the question: how have I behaved in ways guaranteed to produce or influence the results with which I am unhappy?

Ex. I am sorry that I have contributed to this problem by not advocating for myself prior to this point.

6. INDICATE YOUR WISH TO RESOLVE THE ISSUETo say “this is what I want to resolve” communicates good intent on your part.

Ex. This is what I want to resolve—my difficulty recording information to later study with, and effectively present my abilities in your class

7. INVITE YOUR PARTNER TO RESPONDThere has up to now been a clear and succinct statement describing reality from one point of view. Now you need to invite and listen to the other point of view

Ex. I want to understand what is happening from your perspective. Please let me know how your perspective.

8. INQUIRE INTO YOUR PARTNERS VIEWSSimply listen to your partner even if you violently disagree. Ask questions. Dig for full understanding.

Ex. Please say more about this. I see it quite differently so I’d like to understand your thinking

9. RESOLUTIONDetermine what has been learned, where you are now, if anything has been left unsaid.

Ex. I believe that have learned that we can work together to meet both our needs.

10. CREATE A PLAN OF ACTIONMake an agreement and determine how you will hold each other responsible for keeping it.

Ex. I will come to see you each week to review my notes and gather any other notes I might have missed.

Summary1. Name it2. Example3. Emotions4. Importance5. Contribution6. Wish to

Resolve7. Invitation8. Inquire9. Learned 10.Plan

Negotiating Each & Every Intense Conflicts Will Involve Individual Loads of Patience