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Page 1 Everyone Communicates – Few Connect John C. Maxwell © Contents of Book Part I Connecting Principles 1. Connecting Increases Your Influence in Every Situation 2. Connecting is All About Others 3. Connecting Goes Beyond Words 4. Connecting Always Requires Energy 5. Connecting is More Skill than Natural Talent Part II Connecting Practices 6. Connectors Connect on Common Ground 7. Connectors Do the Difficult Work of Keeping It Simple 8. Connectors Create an Experience Everyone Enjoys 9. Connectors Inspire People 10. Connectors Live What They Communicate

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Page 1: Everyone Communicates – Few Connect€¦ · Everyone Communicates – Few Connect John C. Maxwell© Contents of Book Part I Connecting Principles 1. Connecting Increases Your Influence

Page 1

Everyone Communicates – Few Connect

John C. Maxwell©

Contents of Book

Part I Connecting Principles

1. ConnectingIncreasesYourInfluenceinEverySituation

2. Connecting is All About Others

3. ConnectingGoesBeyondWords

4. ConnectingAlwaysRequiresEnergy

5. ConnectingisMoreSkillthanNaturalTalent

Part II Connecting Practices

6. ConnectorsConnectonCommonGround

7. ConnectorsDotheDifficultWorkofKeepingItSimple

8. ConnectorsCreateanExperienceEveryoneEnjoys

9. ConnectorsInspirePeople

10. ConnectorsLiveWhatTheyCommunicate

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1Connecting Increases Your Influence In Every Situation

“The#1criteriaforadvancementandpromotionforprofessionalsisanability tocommunicateeffectively.”-RalphG.Nichols

PresidentialhistorianRobertDalleksaysthatsuccessfulpresidentsexhibitfiveskillsandqualitiesthatenablethemtoachievethingsthatothersdon’t.

1. _____________ 4. ______________

2. _____________ 5. ______________

3. __________________________

Connectingistheabilityto_____________withpeopleand__________totheminsuchawaythatitincreasesourinfluencewiththem.

Leadershipis_______________.

Connecting Signals

ExtraEffort–peoplegotheextramile•

Unsolicited_______________–theysaypositivethings•

Unguarded______________–theydemonstratetrust•

Increased_______________–theyexpressthemselvesmorereadily•

Enjoyable______________–theyfeelgoodaboutwhatthey’redoing•

Emotional______________–theydisplayaconnectiononanemotionallevel•

Positive________________–theiremotional“batteries”arechargedbybeingtogether•

Growing_____________–theireffectivenessisgreaterthanthesumofthecontributions•

Unconditional____________–theyareacceptingwithoutreservation•

JorgeRodriquez–TheBankRobber

JorgeRodriguezwasanOldWestbankrobberfromMexicowhooperatedalongtheTexasborderaround1900.RodriguezwassosuccessfulthattheTexasRangersestablishedaspecialforcetotryandstophim.

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Lateoneafternoon,oneofthesespecialrangerssawRodriguezslippingacrosstheborderbackintoMexicoandtrailedhimatadiscreetdistance.Hewatchedastheoutlawreturnedtohishomevillageandmingledwiththepeopleinthesquare.WhenRodriquezwentintohisfavoritecantinatorelax,theRangerslippedinandmanagedtogetthedroponhim.

Withapistoltothebankrobber’shead,thelawmansaid,“JorgeRodriguez,Iknowwhoyouare.I’vecometogetbackallthemoneythatyouhavestolenfromthebanksinTexas.Unlessyougiveittome,Iamgoingtoblowyourbrainsout.”

Rodriguezcouldseetheman’sbadge,andhecoulddiscernhishostileintent.Buttherewasaproblem.Hedidn’tspeakEnglish.HebeganspeakingrapidlyinSpanish.Buttherangercouldn’tunderstandwhathesaid,becausehedidn’tspeakSpanish.

JustthenayoungboycameupandsaidinEnglish,“Icanhelp.IspeakEnglishandSpanish.Doyouwantmetobeyourtranslator?”

Therangernodded.Theboyquicklyexplainedeverythingtherangerhadsaid.

Nervously,Rodriguezanswered,“TellthebigTexasrangerthatIhavenotspentacentofthemoney.Ifhewillgotothetownwell,facenorth,countdownfivestones,hewillfindalooseonethere.Pullitoutandallthemoneyisbehindthere.Pleasetellhimquickly.”

Theboylookedbackattherangerandsaid,“Senor,JorgeRodriguezisabraveman.Hesaysheisreadytodie.”

Theabilitytoconnectwithothersbeginswith__________________________________.JimCollins, author of GoodtoGreat,observes,“Thosewhobuildgreatcompaniesunderstandthattheultimatethrottleongrowthforanygreatcompanyisnotmarkets,ortechnology,orcompetition,orproducts.Itistheonethingaboveallothers–theabilitytogetandkeepenoughoftherightpeople.”

JayHalloftheconsultingfirmTeleometricshasstudiedtheperformanceof16,000executivesandfoundadirectcorrelationbetweenachievementandtheabilitytocareforandconnectwithpeople.Hereareafewofthefindings:

High Achievers Average Achievers Low Achievers

CaredAboutPeopleAsWell

As .

ConcentratedOn

.

WerePreoccupiedWithTheirOwn

.

ViewedSubordinates

.

WereFocusedMoreonTheir

Own .

ShowedABasic

ofSubordinates

FromThoseUnderThem

WereReluctantto

fromThoseUnderThem

SeekAdvice

Were .ListenedOnlyTo

.

AvoidedCommunicationAnd

ReliedOn .

Question:“DoIconnectbestoneonone,inasmallgroup,orwithanaudience?”

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2Connecting Is All About Others

“Ifyoufirsthelppeoplegetwhattheywant,theywillhelpyougetwhatyouwant.” -ZigZiglar

Why I Focused On Myself Instead of Others

1. _________________________.

Maturity:Theabilitytoseeandactonbehalfof________________.

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2. _________________________.

DearSpeaker:

Youregohasbecomeawallbetweenyourselfandme.You’renotreallyconcernedaboutme,areyou?You’remostlyconcernedaboutwhetherornotthisspeechisreallyworking...aboutwhetherornotyou’redoingagoodjob.You’rereallyafraidthatIwillnotapplaud,aren’tyou?You’reafraidthatIwon’tlaughatyourjokesorcryoveryouremotionalanecdotes.YouaresocaughtupintheissueofhowIamgoingtoreceiveyourspeech,youhaven’tthoughtmuchaboutmeatall.Imighthavelovedyou,butyouaresocaughtupinself-lovethatmineisreallyunnecessary.IfIdon’tgiveyoumyattentionit’sbecauseIfeelsounnecessaryhere.

WhenIseeyouatthemicrophone,IseeNarcissusathismirror...Isyourtiestraight?Isyourhairstraight?Isyourdeportmentimpeccable?Isyourphraseologyperfect?

Youseemincontrolofeverythingbutyouraudience.Youseeeverythingsowell,butus.Butthisblindnesstous,I’mafraid,hasmadeusdeaftoyou.Wemustgonow.Sorry.Callussometimelater.We’llcomebacktoyou...whenyou’rerealenoughtoseeus...afteryourdreamshavebeenshattered...afteryourhearthasbeenbroken...afteryourarrogancehasreckonedwithdespair.Thentherewillberoomforallofusinyourworld.Thenyouwon’tcareifweapplaudyourbrilliance.You’llbeoneofus.

Thenyouwillteardowntheegowallandusethoseverystonestobuildabridgeofwarmrelationship.We’llmeetyouonthatbridge.We’llhearyouthen.Allspeakersarejoyouslyunderstoodwhentheyreachwithunderstanding.

--YourAudience

CalvinMiller,TheEmpoweredCommunicator

3. _________________________________________________.

Toaddvaluetoothers,onemustvalueothers.

3 Connecting Questions

Doyou______________forme?(1)

Canyou______________me?(2)

CanI________________you?(3)

KeyConcept:Connectingbeginswhentheotherpersonfeelsvalued.

Question:“WhatcanIdotoincreasemyvalueofothers?”

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3Connecting Goes Beyond Words

Whenmanypeopletrytocommunicatewithothers,theybelievethemessageisallthatmatters.Buttherealityisthatcommunicationgoeswaybeyondwords.Inanimportantstudy,UCLApsychologyprofessoremeritusAlbertMehrabiandiscoveredthatface-to-facecommunicationscanbebrokendownintothreecomponents:words,toneofvoice,andbodylanguage.Whatmaycomeasasurpriseisthatinsomesituations,whatpeopleseeusdoandthetoneweusecanfaroutweighanywordswesaywhiletryingtocommunicate.Insituationswherefeelingsandattitudesarebeingcommunicated,

Whatwesayaccountsforonly___percentofwhatisbelieved.•

Thewaywesayitaccountsfor____percent.•

Whatothersseeaccountsfor____percent.•

Amazingly,morethan90percentoftheimpressionweoftenconveyhasnothingtodowithwhatweactuallysay.

The3ComponentsofCommunication

_________________:Somethingweknow,

_________________:Somethingwefeel,and

_________________:Somethingwedo.

Ibelievethosethreecomponentsareessentialtoconnectaswell.Failtoincludeanyoneofthethree,andtherewillbeadisconnectionfrompeopleandabreakdownincommunication.Morespecifically,here’showIthinkthebreakdownwouldoccur.IfItrytocommunicate…

SomethingIKnowbutdonotFeel,mycommunicationis___________________

SomethingIKnowbutdonotDo,mycommunicationis__________________

SomethingIFeelbutdonotKnow,mycommunicationis__________________

SomethingIFeelbutdonotDo,mycommunicationis___________________

SomethingIDobutdonotKnow,mycommunicationis___________________

SomethingIDobutdonotFeel,mycommunicationis____________________.

Action:SomethingWeDo…Connecting_______________–WhatPeopleSee

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HenryWardBeecherasserted,“Therearepersonssoradiant,sogenial,sokind,sopleasure-bearing,thatyouinstinctivelyfeelgoodintheirpresencethattheydoyougood,whosecomingintoaroomislikebringingalampthere.”

ToConnectWithPeopleVisually…

ExpandYourRangeof________________(1)

MoveWithaSenseof_______________(2)

MaintainAnOpen________________(3)

Thought:SomethingWeKnow…Connecting__________________–WhatPeopleUnderstand

Anymessageyoutrytoconveytoothersmustcontainapieceofyou.

KnowledgeMustBe___________________

Nothingcanhappenthroughyouuntilithappeninyou.

Experienceisnotonlyagoodteacher.Itisagreat_________________.

Emotion:SomethingWeFeel…Connecting__________________–WhatPeopleFeel

JohnKotter,anauthorandafriend,recentlywroteabooktitledASenseofUrgency. In it he states, “Forcenturieswehaveheardtheexpression,‘Greatleaderswinovertheheartsandmindsofothers.’”Notethathedoesn’tsaythatgreatleaderswinoverthemindsofothers.Nordoeshesaytheywinoverothers’mindsandhearts.Theheartcomesfirst.Andifwedesiretobegoodcommunicators,weneedalwaystokeepthatinmind.Ifyouwanttowinoveranotherperson,firstwinhisheart,andtherestofhimislikelytofollow.

Peoplemayhearyourwordsbuttheyfeelyour_________________.

Peoplewillnotalwaysrememberwhatyousaid.

Theywillnotalwaysrememberwhatyoudid.

But,theywillalwaysrememberhowyoumadethemfeel.

KeyConcept:Themoreyoudotogobeyondwords,thegreaterthechanceyouwillconnect withpeople.

Question:“WhatvisualtechniquedoIneedtoimprovetobetterconnectwithpeople?”

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4Connecting Always Requires Energy

Thinkof3communicatorsthatyouenjoywatchingandlisteningto.

HowIConnectedWithPeopleAftera25YearAbsence

Isearchedformemorabiliaofour______________________.(1)

Iworkedonrememberingtheir______________(2)

Itriedtomakethemfeel____________.(3)

Imademyvisit______________forasmanypeopleaspossible.(4)

Imadeanefforttospend_________________withpeople.(5)

Duringthesermon,Isharedmy______________.(6)

Iacknowledgedthemaspartofmy________________.(7)

The4UnpardonableSinsofaCommunicator

Being… (1)__________________

(2)__________________ Note:3requireeffort!

(3)__________________

(4)__________________

Connecting Requires…

_____________________…Go First!1.

I’vehadtheprivilegeofspeakingafewtimestotheemployeesofWal-Martatthecompany’sheadquartersinBentonville,Arkansas.ThefirsttimeIdidso,Iwastakenonatourofthefacilities,andIwasamazedtoseesignseverywherehighlightingthevaluesandphilosophyoftheorganization.OnthatfirstvisitafterIwasdonespeaking,Itookanotebookandjotteddownthemessagescontainedonmanyofthesigns.Theonethatleftthegreatestimpressiononmewasthe“10FootRule.”Itsaid,

Fromthisdayforward,Isolemnlypromiseanddeclarethateverytimeacustomercomeswithintenfeetofme,Iwillsmile,lookhimintheeye,andgreethim. -SamWalton

“Ifyouwaituntilyoucandoeverythingforeverybody,insteadofsomethingforsomebody,you’llendupnotdoinganythingforanybody.” -MalcolmBane

“Thewisedoesatoncewhatthefooldoesatlast.”–JewishProverb

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Connecting Requires…

________________…Prepare2.

JM’sConnectionChecklist

______________–DidIdomybest?•

______________–DidIpleasemysponsor?•

______________–DidIunderstandandrelatetotheaudience?•

______________–DidIaddvaluetothepeople?•

______________–DidIgivepeopleagame-plan?•

______________–DidImakeadifference?•

Connecting Requires…

______________…Slow Down3.

“Themanwhogoesalonecanstarttheday.Buthewhotravelswithanothermustwaituntiltheotherisready.” -HenryDavidThoreau

Connecting Requires…

_______________…Give4.

Ithoughtaboutwhyyou’resoeasytolistento.TheideaespeciallyintriguedmewhenIthoughtaboutthefactthatit’strueevenwhenpeopleknowthestuffyouaregoingtosay.Anditdefinitelygoesbeyondtheentertainmentvalueofjustgoodstorytelling.

Ithinkitallcomesdowntoacommunicatorwhoisprimarilyagiverinsteadofataker.Thehumanspiritsensesandfeedsonagivingspirit.Thespiritisactuallyrenewedbyateacherwithagivingspirit—thisisprovenbythefactthatwhenpeoplehearwhatyouhavesaidmanytimes,theyarestillfilled.Yourteachingisessentiallygiving,andpeoplecanreceivealldayfromagiver,whiletheytirequicklyofataker.ThinkaboutwhatJesustaught—halfthetimethepeopledidn’tknowwhatHewastalkingabout,buttheylistenedattentively.Jesuswasgiving—feedingthem.Nottaking.Itwasataspirit(heart)level—hewasn’tjustgivinginformation.

Here’showIthinkitworks.Ifcommunicatorsteachoutofneed,insecurity,ego,orevenresponsibility,theyarenotgiving.Theneedypersonwantspraise,somethingtheaudiencemustgive.Theinsecurepersonwantsapprovalandacceptance,somethingtheaudiencemustgive.Theegotisticalpersonwantstobeliftedup,tobesuperiorandjustalittlebitbetterthaneveryoneelse,somethingtheaudiencemustgive.Eventhepersonmotivatedbyresponsibilitywantstoberecognizedasthefaithfulworker,tobeseenasresponsible—somethingtheaudiencemustbestowuponthem.Manycommunicatorsteachinoneofthesetakingmodesallthetimeandarenotawareofit.

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Thenthere’sthegiver.Thispersonteachesoutoflove,grace,gratitude,compassion,passion,andtheoverflow.Theseareallgivingmodes.Ineachofthesemodesoftheheart,theaudiencedoesn’thavetogiveanything—onlyreceive.Theteachingthen,becomesagift.Itfillsandrenews.

Thisisyou.That’swhypeoplecanlistenallday.AsIhavewatchedandlearnedfromyou,youteach99percentofthetimefromthegivingmodes.Onlyveryrarelydoyouslipintoegomode,andinthoseraremomentsInolongerfeellikeyouaregiving.Youaretaking.Thatcancomeoffas,“Iamspecialandalittlebetterthanyou.”Otherthanthoseveryraremoments,Icouldlistentoyouallday.

Connecting Requires…

_________________…Recharge.5.

LorinWoolfe,inTheBibleonLeadership,writes,“Leadershiptakesanalmostbottomlesssupplyofverbalenergy:workingthephones,stayingfocusedonyourmessage,repeatingthesamemantrauntilyoucan’tstandthesoundofyourownvoice—andthenrepeatingitsomemore,becausejustwhenyoustarttobecomeboredwitlesswiththemessage,it’sprobablystartingtoseepintotheorganization.”

IRechargeMyselfby…

Loving___________(1)

Loving_____________________(2)

SpendingTimewith___________________(3)

HandingOff______________Work(4)

____________________(5)

Being _____________(6)

________________(7)

________________(8)

KeyConcept:Thelargerthegroup,themoreenergythatisrequiredtoconnect.

Question:“WhodoIneedtoincreasemyenergywithtoconnectmoreeffectively?HowcanI dothat?”

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5Connecting Is More Skill Than Natural Talent

“Allgreatspeakerswerebadspeakersfirst.” -RalphWaldoEmerson

Greatcommunicatorsarenotallcutfromthesamecloth.Buttheydoallsharetheabilitytoconnect.Andthatdoesnotdevelopbyaccident.Youcannotexpecttosucceedthroughdumbluckasdidtheleaderofawagontrainofpioneersthatwasheadingacrossthewesternplains.Whenalookoutspottedacloudofdustinthedistancemovingtowardthem,theyknewtheywereintrouble.Sureenough,atribeofNativeAmericanbravesthunderedtowardthemandtheleaderorderedthewagonstoformacirclebehindahill.

Whentheleaderofthesettlerssawthetallfigureofachiefsilhouettedagainstthesky,hedecidedtofacethechiefandattempttocommunicatewithhimusingsignlanguage.Soonthechiefbackedawayandreturnedtohismen.

“Whathappened?”thepioneersaskedtheleader.

“Well,asyouprobablysaw,wecouldn’tspeakeachother’slanguage,”hesaid,“soweusedsignlanguage.Idrewacircleinthedustwithmyfingertoshowthatwe’realloneinthisland.Helookedatthecircleanddrewalinethroughit.Hemeant,ofcourse,thattherearetwonationsoursandhis.ButIpointedmyfingertotheskytoindicatethatwearealloneunderGod.Thenhereachedintoapouchandtookoutanonion,whichhegavetome.Naturally,Iunderstoodthatitindicatedthemultiplelayersofunderstandingavailabletoeveryone.ToshowhimthatIunderstoodhismeaning,Iatetheonion.ThenIreachedintomycoatandofferedhimaneggtoshowourgoodwill,buthewastooproudtoacceptmygifthejustturnedandwalkedaway!”

Meanwhilethewarriorswerereadyingforanattackandawaitedtheorderfromtheirchief,buttheoldwarriorhelduphishandandrecountedhisexperience.

“Whenwecameface-to-face,”hesaid,”weimmediatelyknewthatwedidnotspeakthesametongue.Thatmanthendrewacircleinthedust.Iknowhemeantthatweweresurrounded.Idrewalinethroughhiscircletoshowhimthatwewouldcuttheminhalf.Thenheraisedhisfingertotheskyasiftosaythathecouldtakeusonallbyhimself.ThenIgavehimanoniontotellhimthathewouldsoontastethebittertearsofdefeatanddeath.Butheatetheonionindefiance!Thenheshowedmeaneggtotellmehowfragileourpositionis.Theremustbeotherscloseby.Let’sgetoutofhere.”

What Makes People Listen?

Ifyouwanttobeabettercommunicatororabetterleader,youcan’tdependondumbluck.Youmustlearntoconnectwithothersbymakingthemostofwhateverskillsandexperienceyouhave.WhenIlistentogreatcommunicators,Inoticethatthereareahandfuloffactorstheyseemtodrawuponthatcausepeopletolistentothem.Asyoureadaboutthem,thinkaboutwhichofthemyoucouldusetoconnectwithothers:

__________________ – Who You Know1.

__________________ – How You Have Lived2.

__________________ – What You Know3.

__________________ – What You Have Done4.

__________________ – What You Can Do5.

KeyConcept:Theskillsyoulearntoconnectatonelevelcanbeusedtostartconnectingatthenextlevel.

Question:“Whatconnectingskillisastrengthinyourlife?Howcanyoumakeitbetter?”

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6 Connectors Connect on Common Ground

Itisdifficulttofindcommongroundwithotherswhentheonlypersonyouarefocusedonisyourself!

Icontinuetoworkatlearninghowothersthinkandperceivetheworld.RecentlyIreadabookbyTerryFelbercalledAmIMakingMyselfClear?Hesaysthatpeoplehavedifferentrepresentationalsystemsbasedonthefivesensesthatprovidetheprimarybasisfortheirthoughtsandfeelings.Forexample,ifseveralpeoplewalkeddownthebeachtogether,theirrecollectionsoftheexperiencewouldbeverydifferentbasedontheirrepresentationalsystem.Onemightrememberhowthesunfeltonhisskinandsandonhisfeet.Anothermightrememberthelookofthewaterandthevividcolorsofthesunset.Thethirdmightbeabletodescribethesoundsoftheoceanandbirds,andanother,thesmellofthesaltyairandthetanninglotionofnearbysunbathers.Eachofuscreatesaframeworkforthewayweprocessinformation.Felbersays,“Ifyoucanlearntopinpointhowthosearoundyouexperiencetheworld,andreallytrytoexperiencethesameworldtheydo,you’llbeamazedathoweffectiveyourcommunicationwillbecome.”That’ssimplyanotherwaytolookforcommonground.

BarriersToFindingCommonGround

_____________________–“Ialreadyknowwhatothersknow,feel,andwant.”1.

“Allmiscommunicationsarearesultofdifferingassumptions.”

-JerryBallard

_____________________–“Idon’tneedtoknowwhatothersknow,feel,orwant.”2.

SupremeCourtJusticeLouisD.Brandeisobserved,“Nine-tenthsoftheseriouscontroversiesthatariseinliferesultfrommisunderstanding,fromonemannotknowingthefactswhichtotheothermanseemimportant,orotherwisefailingtoappreciatehispointofview.”

_____________________–“Idon’tcaretoknowwhatothersknow,feel,orwant.”3.

ComedianGeorgeCarlinjoked,“Scientistsannouncedtodaythattheyhadfoundacureforapathy.However,theyclaimnoonehasshowntheslightestbitofinterestinit.”

_____________________–“Idon’twantotherstoknowwhatIknow,feel,orthink.”4.

IloveJimLundy’stakeonthisinhisbook,Lead,Follow,orGetOutoftheWay. In it, he includestheresponseofpeoplewhoworkinanenvironmentwhereleadersholdbackfromthem.Hewritesaboutthe“SubordinatesLament,”whichsays,“Wetheuninformed,workingfortheinaccessible,aredoingtheimpossiblefortheungrateful!”Andthe“MushroomFarmLament”goeslikethis:“Wefeelwe’rebeingkeptinthedark.Everyonceinawhilesomeonecomesaroundandspreadsmanureonus.Whenourheadspopup,they’rechoppedoff.Andthenwe’recanned.”

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Choices That Will Help You Find Common Ground

___________________ – I will choose to spend time with others.1.

___________________ – I will listen my way to common ground.2.

SonyaHamlininherbook,HowtoTalkSoPeopleListen,notesthatmostpeoplefindthisdifficultbecauseofthe“Me-FirstFactor.”Shewrites,

Listeningrequiresgivingupourfavoritehumanpastime—involvementinourselvesandourownself-interest.It’sourprimary,entirelyhumanfocus.Andit’swhereourmotivationtodoanythingcomesfrom.Withthisasabase,canyouseewhataproblemiscreatedwhenwe’reaskedtolistentosomeoneelse?

___________________ – I will be interested enough in others to ask questions.3.

___________________ – I will think of others and look for ways to help them. 4.

___________________ – I will let people into my life.5.

__________________ – I will care about people.6.

RogerAiles,aformercommunicationconsultanttopresidents,believesthemostinfluentialfactorinpublicspeakingislikeability.Hesaysthatifpeoplelikeyou,theywilllistentoyou,andiftheydon’t,theywon’t.

__________________ – I will think of myself less so I can think of others more.7.

Poet,journalist,andeditorAlanRossasserted,“Humilitymeansknowingandusingyourstrengthforthebenefitofothers,onbehalfofahigherpurpose.Thehumbleleaderisnotweak,butstrong…isnotpre-occupiedwithself,butwithhowbesttousehisorherstrengthsforthegoodofothers.Ahumbleleaderdoesnotthinklessofhimself,butchoosestoconsidertheneedsofothersinfulfillingaworthycause.Ilovetobeinthepresenceofahumbleleaderbecausetheybringouttheverybestinme.Theirfocusisonmypurpose,mycontribution,andmyabilitytoaccomplishallIsetouttoaccomplish.”

Humilityis…

(1)Acapacityfor____________________.

(2)Allowing_______________toshine.

__________________ – I will move from my world to theirs.8.

ToConnectonCommonGround,Ask…DoIfeelwhatyoufeelBEFOREasking“DoyoufeelwhatIfeel?”DoIseewhatyouseeBEFOREasking“DoyouseewhatIsee?”DoIknowwhatyouknowBEFOREasking“DoyouknowwhatIknow?”DoIknowwhatyouwantBEFOREasking“DoyouknowthatIwant?”

KeyConcept: Knowthereasonsyouandyourlistenerwanttocommunicateandbuilda bridgebetweenthem.

Question:“Whatisthebridgeyouneedtobuildtoconnectoncommonground?”

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7Connectors Do the Difficult Work of Keeping It Simple

“Tobesimpleistobegreat.” -RalphWaldoEmerson

MyCriteriaForGoodMaterial

______________–somethingthatwillmakepeoplelaugh,•

______________–somethingthatwillcaptivatepeople’semotions,•

______________–somethingthatwillinspirepeople,and•

______________–somethingthatwillhelppeopleinsometangibleway.•

Afterspeakinginoverfiftydifferentcountriesinhundredsofvenues,Ihavedevelopeda“3S”strategy.

Keepit______________.

Sayit_______________.

Havea______________.

The Art of Simplicity

Talk__________People,Not____________Them.1.

Get to the __________________.2.

Connectorsgettothepointbeforelistenersstartasking“What’sthepoint?”

Whenthepersonaskingfortherecommendationisn’tsomeonetheywanttoendorse,theirresponsescanbeverycreative.Hereareafew,alongwiththeir“real”meanings,selectedforthebook, LexiconofIntentionallyAmbiguousRecommendations(L.I.A.R.)byRobertThornton:

Recommendation

Shewasalwayshighinmyopinion.

Whileheworkedwithushewas givennumerouscitations

Iwouldsaythathisrealtalentis gettingwastedathiscurrentjob.

Yousimplywon’tbelievethiswoman’scredentials

Hewouldalwaysaskifthere wasanythinghecoulddo.

Youwillnevercatchhimasleeponthejob.

Hedoesn’tknowthemeaningofthewordquit.

Meaning

Shewasoftenseensmokingajoint.

Hewasarrestedmanytimes.

Hegetsbombedregularly.

Shefakedmostofherresume.

Wewerealwayswonderingtoo.

He’stoocraftytogetcaught.

Hecan’tspelliteither.

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Say It Over and Over and Over and Over and Over Again.3.

“Thefirsttimeyousaysomething,it’sheard.Thesecondtime,it’srecognized,andthethirdtime,it’slearned.” -WilliamH.Rastetter

Say It ___________________.4.

“Haveanunderstandingsotherewon’tbeamisunderstanding.”-CharlesBlair

JackWelch,theformerCEOofGeneralElectric,pointedout,“Insecuremanagerscreatecomplexity.Frightened,nervousmanagersusethick,convolutedplanningbooksandbusyslidesfilledwitheverythingthey’veknownsincechildhood.”

Say _______________.5.

KeyConcept:Thelargerthegroup,thesimplerthecommunicationneedstobe.

Question:“CanpeoplerepeattosomeoneelsewhatIhavejustsaidtothem?”

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8Connectors Create An Experience Everyone Enjoys

How To Be Interesting

Take __________________ For Your Listeners.1.

Ingeneral,therearenobadaudiences,onlybadspeakers.

CemeteryCommunication–Lotsofpeopleouttherebutnobodyislistening!

Communication in ____________________.2.

Peopledon’trememberwhatwethinkisimportant;theyrememberwhattheythinkisimportant.

Capture People’s Attention From the _________________.3.

“Peoplehaveremotecontrolsintheirheadstoday.Ifyoudon’tcatchtheirinterest,theyjustclickyouoff.” –MyrnaMarofsky

Say It So It __________________.4.

PatrickHenry–“Givemelibertyorgivemedeath.”

NathanHale–“IregretthatIhavebutonelifetogiveformycountry.”

AbrahamLincoln–“Agovernmentofthepeople,bythepeople,forthepeople.”

WinstonChurchill–“Never,never,nevergiveup.”

JohnF.Kennedy–“Asknotwhatyourcountrycandoforyou.Askwhatyoucando foryourcountry.”

MartinLutherKing,Jr.–“Ihaveadream.”

RonaldReagan–“Mr.Gorbachev,teardownthiswall.”

DearSpeaker:

Theworldhasnevergottenoveritslikin’ofthetruth.I’vebeenamemberofachurchnowformore’nfiftyyears.Wemusthavehadtwentypastorsormore.Idon’tknowforsure.Noneof’emstayedverylong.Everyoneofthemtoldthetruth.Infacttheycouldboreyouforhoursonendwiththetruth.Therewasonlyoneoutofthewholebunchthatweeverreallywantedtokeep.Hetoldthetruthinterestingly.OnetimeheputonhisbathrobeandplayedlikehewasKingDavid.Surewasinteresting.AnothertimeheplayedlikehewastheinnkeeperinBethlehem.Thenonetimehesmearedhisfacewithsoot—surelookedstrange—andtoldushewasJob.Weallknewbetterandheknewwedid,butIneverreallyunderstoodtheBookofJobtillthatsermon.Onetimehedressedupinawhiterobeandcameinthebackoftheauditoriumcarryingasign.HetoldushewasanArchangel.Heseemedsoconvinced,webelievedhim.Darndestthing,he’ddoper’tnear’tanythingtokeepourattention.Healwaysdid.BigchurchdowninChattanoogahirehimawayfromus.Thegood’unsalwaysseemtogetaway.

TheyarrestedamanoverbyGreenvilletheotherday.Theythrewhiminjail.Hewaswalkingaroundtowninawhiterobe,carryingasignthatsaid“THEWORLDISCOMINGTOANEND.”Idon’t

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knowwhytheyarrestedhim.Mosteverybodybelievedhewasright.AsIsawit,hewastellingthetruthinterestingly.Lastweekmypreacherpreachedonthatverything.Thewayhetoldthatsametruthwasn’tallthatinteresting.Theymighthavelockedupthewrongman.

Itsureseemsimportanttometotellthetruthinterestingly.Nottoomanypeopledoit.Abunchofuswholistentoyoursermonsarewishingyou’ddoit.Youmighttrythewhiterobeandsignroutine.Justdon’tgooutside.

-YourAudience

KeyConcept:Worktocreatetherightexperienceforyourcommunicationsetting.

Question:“HowmuchtimedoIintentionallysetasidetocreateenjoyableexperiencesforothers?”

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9Connectors Inspire People

Howmuchdoesitreallymatterifsomeoneishighlymotivatedintheirwork,andintheirlife?Someofmyresearchonhowmuchmotivationreallymatterswasastoundingtome.Ihadtocrosscheckmyreferencescarefullytomakesurethatthestatisticscouldallbeverified.LotsofstudiesthatIreadtossedaroundnumberslikefortypercentorevenhigherwhentheycomparedtheperformanceofmotivatedemployeesversusunmotivatedemployees.Afortypercentperformancedifferential;staggeringtome.Ireadonestudythatsaidmotivatedemployeesareeightysevenpercentlesslikelytoleaveanorganizationcomparedtoanunmotivatedemployee—eightysevenpercentvariantthere.LotsofstudiesthatIreadsaidthatpeoplethataremotivatedatworkcallinwithdramaticallyfewersickdays,dramaticallyfewerinsuranceclaims,lessemployeetheft,fewerwastedhours,thelistwentonandon.Thestatisticsjustblewmeaway.There’sahugedifferenceintheoutcome,thedeliverables,theachievementsofmotivatedpeopleversusunmotivatedpeople.Butyouallkindofknowthisfrompersonalexperience;youknowhowmuchmoreyouwillgiveifsomeoneinspiresyou.There’snodoubtaboutit;everyonebenefitsfrommotivation.Everyonewantstobeinspired.

TheInspirationEquation

Whatpeople_________+Whatpeople_______+Whatpeople_______=_______________

WhatPeopleNeedtoKnow:

Thatyou_______________themandare_______________onthem.1.

Thatyouhave__________________ofthem.2.

“Managementisaboutpersuadingpeopletodothingstheydonotwanttodo,whileleadershipisaboutinspiringpeopletodothingstheyneverthoughttheycould.”-SteveJobs

WhatPeopleNeedtoSee:

Peopleneedtoseeyour________________.1.

PresidentLyndonB.Johnsonasserted,“Whatconvincesisconviction.Believeintheargumentyou’readvancing.Ifyoudon’t,you’reasgoodasdead.Theotherpersonwillsensethatsomethingisn’tthere,andnochainofreasoning,nomatterhowlogicalorelegantorbrilliant,willwinyourcaseforyou.”

Peopleneedtoseeyour______________.2.

Themediocreteacher______________.Thegoodteacher_______________.

Thegreatteacher______________________.

WhatPeopleNeedtoFeel:

Theyneedtofeelyour________________inyourselfandthem.1.

Theyneedtofeelyour_______________________.2.

“Silentgratitudeisn’tmuchgoodtoanyone.”–GladysStern

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DoctorsJohnBrightCageandJeffMarshall,

TenyearsagoIhadaheartattack.Godusedbothofyoutosparemylife.Thisisaletterofgratitude.Thewordsinthisletterarefrommyheart.Theymustbewrittenasatangiblewayofgivingthankstoyou.Ibelievethatsilentgratitudeisn’tmuchgoodtoanyone.

Yourliveshavebeendedicatedtohelpingpeople.Nodoubtovertheyearsmanypeoplehavebeengivenasecondchancetolive.For10yearsIhavebeenlivingmy“second-chance”life.BecauseofGod’sgoodnessandyourgiftedness,allowmetobrieflysharewhathashappenedduringthistime:

Ihaveenjoyedmyextra10yearswithMargaretandmyfamily.•Fivegrandchildrenhavebeenbornandstolenmyheart.•38bookshavebeenwrittenthathavesoldover15millioncopies.•Amazon.cominductedmeintotheirHallofFame.•Ihavebeennamedthe“World’s#1LeadershipGuru.”•3Leadershipeventshavebeenfoundedbyme:•

Catalyst–Ayoungleadersconferenceaverages12,000perevent. MaximumImpactSimulcast–whichreaches100,000peopleeachyear. Exchange–ahighlevelexecutiveexperience.

Twoofmycompanieshaveexperiencedwonderfulgrowth:• INJOYStewardshipServiceshaspartneredwith4,000churchesandraisedover$4

billion. EQUIPhastrained3millionleadersin113countries.

IthasbeenmyprivilegetospeakfortheUnitedNations,WestPoint,NASA,theCIAand•manyFortune500companies.Mostimportant,over7,500peoplehavereceivedChristthroughmyteaching!•

1Samuel2:9says,“Godprotectivelycaresforhisfaithfulfriends,stepbystep.”Dr.Cageitwasno“accident”whenyouhandedmeyourbusinesscardandsaid,“John,Godhasaskedmetotakecareofyou.Callmeatanytimeifyouneedhelp.”Dr.Marshall,itwasno“accident”thatyoumetmeatthehospitalwithyourteamandsaid,“Weareheretotakecareofyou;everything’sgoingtobefine.”

Forthelast10yearsIhavecontinuallyexpressedtoGodmygratefulnessforbothofyou.TonightIgiveyouthisletterandsaywithgreatloveandappreciation,“Thankyou!”

KeyConcept:Whatpeopleremembermostishowyoumadethemfeel.

Question:“Whatpartofthe‘InspirationEquation’doIneedtoworkon …Knowing–Seeing–orFeeling?”

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10Connectors Live What They Communicate

Credibilityiscurrencyforleadersandcommunicators.Withit,theyaresolvent;withoutit,theyarebankrupt.

Thefirstsixmonths–communicationoverrides_________________.

Aftersixmonths–credibilityoverrides_____________________.

TheCredibilityCheck-List

“HaveIconnectedwith_________________?”1.

Therelationshipswehavewithothersarelargelydeterminedbytherelationshipswehavewithourselves.

“HaveImaderightmy_____________?”2.

“AmI____________________?”3.

Whenyoumakeacommitmentyoucreate_______________.

Whenyoukeepacommitmentyoucreate_______________.

“DoIleadlikeI________________?”4.

AuthorandspeakerJimRohnobserved,“Youcannotspeakthatwhichyoudonotknow.Youcannotsharethatwhichyoudonotfeel.Youcannottranslatethatwhichyoudonothave.Andyoucannotgivethatwhichyoudonotpossess.Togiveitandtoshareit,andforittobeeffective,youfirstneedtohaveit.”

“DoItellthe____________?”5.

“AmI________________________?”6.

ParkerPalmer,authorofTheCouragetoTeach,says,“Weallknowthatperfectionisamask.Sowedon’ttrustthepeoplebehindknow-it-allmasks.They’renotbeinghonestwithus.Thepeoplewithwhomwehavedeepestconnectionarethosewhoacknowledgetheirweaknesses.”

“AmIfollowingthe_____________________?”7.

“DoIdeliver___________________?”8.

PeterDrucker,thefatherofmodernmanagement,asserted,“Communication…alwaysmakesdemands.Italwaysdemandsthattherecipientbecomesomebody,dosomething,believesomething.Italwaysappealstomotivation.”Inotherwords,communicatorsexhortpeopletodeliverresults.Buttobecredibleasacommunicator,youmustalsodeliverresultsyourself!

KeyConcept:Theonlywaytokeepconnectingwithpeopleistolivewhatyoucommunicate.

Question:“WhatareaintheCredibilityCheck-ListdoIneedtoworkon?”

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TheBigQ.–“CanIlearntoconnectwithothers?”

TheBigA.–“Yes.”

Moseswasnotgoodwith__________________.

Moseswasnotagood____________________.

Moseswasnotagood_________________.

LorinWoolfe,inTheBibleonLeadershipsays,“Thereisawide-rangingdebateabouttheinnatenessor‘learnability’ofeffectivecommunicationskillsandthenatureof‘charisma.’”Heweighsinthatitcanbelearned.Hewrites,

God’ssuggestiontoMoseswastoteamhimwithhisbrotherAaron,whowasabetterspeaker.ButitwasMoses,notAaron,whospoketoPharaohandledhispeopleoutofEgypt.Whathelackedinspeakingability,Mosespossessedinconviction,courage,andcompassionforhispeople.Thesetraitswerecommunicatedunmistakablytoallwhowereexposedtohim,bothfollowerandfoe.

Mosestookwhateverabilityhedidpossess,andhemadethemostofit.Hedidwhathewascalledtodo,andheincreasedhisinfluenceandusedittohelpanuntoldnumberofpeople.Andheconnectedwiththem.Whenhedied,anentirenationwept.Thepeoplegrievedhislossforthirtydays.