emotionai intelligence handout two - saint luke

7/26/2019 EmotionaI Intelligence Handout Two - SAint Luke

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SaintLuke Institute

Emotional Intelligence &Difficult People

Rev. Hugh Lagan, SMA, Psy.D.

May 5, 2015

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Facilitator Introduction


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Learning Objectives

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Ground Rules I

You really cannot change anotherperson.

People only change when they are readyto change.

Try not to be too hard on people. No oneis perfect.

Where there is humanity, there isdifficulty.

You are a difficult person in someoneelses life.

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Ground Rules II

No one can humiliate you without yourpermission.

No matter what the emotion, your responseis a choice.

You must want to understand the difficultperson.

While conflict is inevitable, combat isoptional.

We dont see things as they are, we see

them as we are.

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Why Are Some People Difficult?

Because of genetics, early family life,fears, anxiety

Because their inappropriate behaviorswork for them

Because others tolerate theirinappropriate behaviors


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We are taught from birth thatwhen we demand nosily

enough, we get what we wantor need.

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The Problem With the Term Difficult

Labeling individuals as difficult shiftsattention from what the person did towho they are.

Remember, the difficult behavior isonly part of who the person is;acknowledge the whole person andgive credit for others strengths andcompetencies.

What makes the desertbeautiful is that somewhere it

hides a well

Antoine de Saint-Exupery


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Emotions are an internalcommunication that something

needs your attention, someneed has gone unmet.

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Emotions

Neither good nor bad

All have a positive intention

Managing them does not mean

controlling them

Meant to help us understand

something

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You must remember that youare the only one who

determines your emotional and

behavioral reaction; thus, thechoice in how you feel and how

you react is yours alone!


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Emotionally, we become

what we eat!

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Feelings are like waves, wecant stop them from coming

but we can choose which one to

surf.

Johatan Martensson


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Emotional Literacy

Only 36% of people can accuratelyidentify their feelings as they happen.

When we cannot correctly name whatwe are feeling, we are unable toidentify the needs and thoughts linkedto those feelings in order to changeour emotional state.

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Our Amazing Brain

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Amygdala

Adrenaline

Fight / Flight / Freeze response

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When the amygdala is onhigh alert, it is impossible

to reason.

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While the quick response of theemotional brain is to our

advantage under threat, it is not

in our best interests in everydaylife when emotions solely run

the show.


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EQ skills help us create abalance between the emotional

and rational brain so as toensure that our thinking is not

dominated exclusively byemotions.

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Practice Becomes Habit

The more we repeatedly practice EQstrategies, the more the neurons inthe brain build a connecting pathwaybetween both the emotional and therational brains - a process calledneurogenesis. With repeated practice,these behaviors become habits.

It takes 42 days for a new habit tobecome established.

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8 glasses of water


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EQ skills teach us how to lessenthe intensity of emotions so

that we can have better accessto the logical brain in order tochoose how to respond in any

given situation.

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Balancing Thoughts & Feelings

Think of six names of people you havespoken to recently

Add the numbers on the car numberplate in front of you

Snap a rubber band worn on your wrist

Lift your eyes up to look straight ahead

Run through the alphabet backwards inyour head

Oxygenized breathing

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Minimal stress (4-7 days)compromises functioning of hippocampus

Moderate stress (1-3 weeks)

reversible damage to neural dendrites

Prolonged stress (1+ month)

permanently destroys neurons

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Anger is an acid that can domore harm to the vessel inwhich it is stored than to

anything on which it is poured.

Mark Twain


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If you are angry with someoneelse, you allow them to live rent-

free in your mind.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

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Behind the Mask

Bullies are the way they are because other people letthem get away with it

Their behavior is ultimately self-defeating

Greatest fear becomes their reality: they end up aloneand with nothing

Suffer a poor self-image

Easily threatened and frightened of not making animpression on others

Assume that no one will ever like them; if someone doesgive them the respect they desire, they often dont knowwhat to do with it

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Give yourself permission

to fail and be patient.

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Talking to Difficult People

1. Im not sure what you mean?

2.

I really do want to hear you, but your shouting ismaking that difficult.

3. Avoid saying you always

4. OK, you say you dont like it when

5.

When you say [always/never/ever], is that actually true?

6.

Have you any thoughts about how you might resolvethis issue?

7.

What would a fair outcome look like to you?

8.

Can you do that?

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Taking Care of Yourself

Know your hot buttons

Good fences make good neighbors

Remind yourself that your self-worthcomes from within

Ruminating about a difficult person givesthem power

Avoid internalizing the negativity ofothers

Lean on trusted others for perspective


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Be kind, for everyone you meetis fighting a hard battle.

Plato

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QUESTIONS

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Contact Us


[email protected]

Beth Davis, Director of Education

[email protected]

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