TWIG BENDERS SESSION 5

Making Yourself Understood

This Child Just Won’t Listen

How do you think communication skills in our children developed?

What currently do we use to get our child’s attention?

How do we know when we have our child’s attention?

Development of Communication Communication is a child’s ability to take

in info, think about it, and share thoughts with others….

Physical biological based reasons for being unable to communicate require specific interventions Like deafness, learning disabilities, etc.

Often children have developmental reasons for inability to communicate that we must address in a developmental way Arrested development = communication

delays

Communication Delays

From day one infants begin communication development

Listening, sounds, mimicking Through interaction they

increase and discriminate understanding

Non-verbal cue deciphering Key is exposing them to the

communication and stimuli

If Communication is DelayedChildren with delays in communication will

experience behavioral problems Anxiety Hyperactivity School Problems Unable to solve problems “Not listening” Negative impact on feelings

Relies on others interpretations Source of data to computer

Infants reliance on others

Babies use what they have to express infantile feelings. They rely on the interpretation of others. These skills may be good or not so good. Ex. A baby bundled up for cold weather then

brought inside stays bundled up and becomes fussy. If mother is not able to interpret babies fussiness for “I’m hot!” then the infant stays bundled up

Children with developmental delays in the area of language also rely on others to interpret their poor communication skills. They will use what they have or do know

Example

A child unable to process information or use verbal means to express himself becomes anxious, he may start to make strange sounds, stare into space, and avoid others. If he get restless with a need he cannot express his teacher labels him hyperactive. He appears to refuse to listen to the teacher and medication is sought. But medication won’t address a developmental delay.

If a child has difficulty solving problems, he may get angry and swear at the teacher because he is unable to say “I need help.” He may disrupt the classroom and get kicked out leaving him feeling set apart, afraid, and of less value

We Feel How We Act

Most people think that they have “feelings” and that they behave in a certain way as a result of those feelings or that they act how they feel.The truth is just opposite – rather than behavior following feelings, feelings follow behavior! So, WE FEEL HOW WE ACT! Here is a simple test. When you feel angry or depressed, you are probably engaging in hostile or withdrawn behaviors (such as clenching your fist, swearing, not talking and so on). Just try this next time you have those “feelings.” Isn't there a difference? We can teach children to act happy, confident, supportive, and such and they will feel that way, too! The best cure for depression – don’t act depressed!

Feelings instead of Decisions

If a child operates on feelings instead of decisions = CHAOS

Ex. If a 6-year-old goes to Disney World all day and then goes to a birthday party that night, he will be exhausted. If he is able to say, “I’m tired,” hopefully his caretakers would scoot him home and into bed as soon as possible. If he isn't able to say that (or recognize it) he will become more difficult and unmanageable as he gets more tired. So unless the caretaker is ableto interpret the behavior as fatigue he will endup getting into trouble, which will make him act worse.

This interpretation of behavior by others is very important in accurately determining why a child does what he does.

Verbal Learning

For a child to identify what he is feeling and use that info to make decisions, he depends on verbal learning

We can’t think about things we don’t have words for

Feelings are important sources of info and are designed to be put in our “computer” to help us make decisions

Language is control

IQ is a reflection of how much caretakers talk to a child If a child has a lot of exposure to words and the

expectation to use them, he will have a great advantage conceptually

Babies learn quickly that they can have control over things/people. When having that control becomes a big issue (greater need) the behavior that is controlling becomes escalated. Eating disorders are an example of this – if a child chooses

not to eat and we say they have to, how do we enforce that besides force feeding?

Keys to the Bank- good communication is like keys to the bank. Enhancing communication will prevent children from choosing not to communicate (selective mutism) as a way to control things/people

How to enhance communication Teach child to use words not behaviors to communicate

Give the words to feelings, start with physical feelings (hungry, tired, cold, etc) then move onto psychological feelings (sad, happy, mad) then talk about what they mean so they don’t just “parrot” or repeat the words but understand them

Attach words to feelings Help the child identify and connect those feeling words with

his current state (“tell me in words” why your crying) and respond to his words not his behavior

Teach child to figure out reasons If he understands why he feels a certain way he is more likely

to make good decisions (ex. Every time I stay up till 3 a.m. I am crabby. And after a nap I don’t feel this way)

Be consistent and insistent Insist the child use the words, do not respond to the behavior.

If he cried but will not talk to you just wait it out.

How to effectively communicate Get the child’s attention Prepare yourself – calm, resolved,

directing! Keep communication positive and

therapeutic Role play – engage child in practice

Getting a child’s attention

Control the environment Remove, silence, or get away from distractions

Move physically close Sends the message that this is important, bend to their level

Look in the eye Teach and expect progress with this every conversation

Use physical touch Relaxed touch confirms love and a lack of scary anger but also

communicates to the child that you are confident and directing the situation

Control tone of voice Quiet and firm, children listen better the softer you talk and

instinctivley tune out yelling Keep the conversation very simple, short and concrete

Good Attention from a child

They will have Eye contact Relaxed but attentive muscle tone Calm tone of voice Brain is engaged

When a child is in-tune the answers will stop being what they think we want to hear and will be sincere

Preparation

Pick the right time, be relaxed Everyone should be calm

Keep It Slow & Simple (KISS) Stick to one subject and especially with bright or

manipulative kids who will try to pull you into an argument

Don’t react – direct Don’t respond to other things the child brings up unless

you have to Don’t attempt serious conversations until prepared

Think things through first Make sure the child is paying attention

Positive & Therapeutic Conversations

Use praise! Confront firmly to express “this is

important” Stay calm and deliberate Don’t get pulled into power struggles or

dissecting details Expect follow through Practice good communication/attention

skills during positive interactions

Role Playing

A way to teach improved communication skills Use at a time when emotions are not running high or child

is not in trouble Walk the child through decision making process

Ex. Kneel down to the child with a hand gently on their arm. “When we go into the store we are not going to buy any treats or candy. I have a list that we are going to follow. When you ask if we can buy something I am going to say ‘no.’ Now, can you tell me what the answer is going to be if you ask for candy in the store? For a new toy?.....”

Use humor and play to help emphasize learning Ex. (continued) “Now what if the store is having a clearance

sale on real army helicopters!!!!! What is the answer going to be if you want to buy a helicopter?”

In Summary

It is important to understand that words are needed for children to understand

feeling, change how they are acting and provide and receive good information.

Children can use language as control. Effective communication involves

teaching the child to use words rather than behaviors to communicate, attach words to feelings, figure out the reasons

for feeling, and be consistent and insistent