early curfew # 1 · early curfew recently, your community officials have proposed that young people...

Pasco School District Mid-Year Common Writing Assessment Grade 7 Scoring Papers, of 22

Early Curfew

Recently, your community officials have proposed that young people under the age of 15 cannot be out after 8:00 p.m. unless they are with an adult. Take a position on this proposal. Write a multiple-paragraph letter to the officials persuading them to support your position.

I do not agree with the 8:00 pm curfue. I do not agree with the 8:00 pm curfue because what if you are going home from a freinds house or what if you need to get the mail. and that is why I don’t agree with the 8:00 pm curfue. This response demonstrates an insufficient ability to persuade a reader. A simple position statement (I do not agree with the 8:00 pm curfue) is followed by two possible arguments (...what if you are going home from a freinds house or what if you need to get the mail) with no elaboration. A weak closing merely repeats the position (and that is why I don’t agree with the 8:00 pm curfue). The paragraph is more of a reaction than an argument, focusing more on the writer’s feelings than on the audience’s understanding or position on the issue. Sentences are simple and repetitive (I do not agree...I do not agree...), without variety in structure; word choice is extremely limited. This minimal response shows little sense of wholeness or completeness. The best-fit Content, Organization, and Style score for this piece of writing is a 1.

COS 1

# 1 Intro, T Concl


Early Curfew Recently, your community officials have proposed that young people under the age of 15 cannot be out after 8:00 p.m. unless they are with an adult. Take a position on this proposal. Write a multiple-paragraph letter to the officials persuading them to support your position.

Dear Community Officials, I oppose that young people under 15 cannot be out after 8:00 p.m. unless we are with a adult. I am now 13 so I oppose big time. I want to go out past 8:00 p.m. to play with my friends and play hoops. I just like to see the moon and the stars. So that is why I oppose on the early curfew. This response demonstrates an insufficient ability to persuade a reader. The opening states a position (I oppose that young people under 15 cannot be out after 8:00 p.m. unless we are with a adult) and makes a minimal attempt to give a sense of the writer (I am now 13 so I oppose big time). The response then provides two arguments that express the desires of the writer, with no further attempt at development of ideas (I want to go out past 8:00 pm to play with my friends and play hoops. I just like to see the moon and the stars). While it is conceivable that the second statement might possibly be an attempt to develop the first statement, such a connection is a stretch and would have to be inserted by the reader. The writer offers no explanation or elaboration to support the reasons, and no attention to what might be persuasive to an audience. A minimal and weak closing merely reiterates the position (So that is why I oppose on the early curfew). Sentences are simple in structure. Choice of words is simple, yet a few words offer a fleeting glimpse of the person (play hoops...big time). Overall, this minimal response exhibits little evidence of an organizational plan, includes no transitions beyond so in the closing, and leaves the reader with little sense of wholeness or completeness. The best-fit Content, Organization, and Style score for this piece of writing is a 1.

COS 1

#2

Intro T T Concl



I think that people under the age of 15 should be able to stay out past 8:00 p.m. Some people eat dinner at 9:00 p.m. so why not let us play untell then? Or I play basketball at night. How ever would I get to play? With more time for me and everyone else to play we would be getting exercise. This response demonstrates an insufficient ability to persuade a reader. The response provides a basic position statement (I think that people under the age of 15 should be able to stay out past 8:00 p.m.) followed by a series of rhetorical questions, each representing an argument for the position. The first argument suggests an extension of time with a brief reason (Some people eat dinner at 9:00 p.m. so why not let us play untell then?). The second argument, prefaced by a simple and ineffective transition, contains a rhetorical question (Or I play basketball at night. How ever would I get to play?) This argument is followed by an additional statement of support, perhaps showing a hint of audience awareness (With more time for me and everyone else to play we would be getting more exercise), in that community officials likely care about young people getting exercise. Owing to the brevity of the writing, there is little opportunity to demonstrate sentence variety; word choice is extremely limited. The response also fails to provide a conclusion, leaving the reader with no sense of wholeness or completeness. The best-fit Content, Organization, and Style score for this piece of writing is a 1.

COS 1 (high 1)

# 3 Intro T,D D,E,T



Dear, City Official’s I believe that an 8:00pm cerfew is way to much for children under 15 years of age. Children under the age of 15 should be able to stay out past 8:00pm. Because, if parents let their child out past that time they must believe that their child is responsible enough, it should be all up to the parent. What if movie theater sales go down because, they have less children goin to see movies with their friends, that goes for other businesses. I just think this will cause kids to rebel, because they are going to be kept on such a tight leash. Thank you, I hope you will concider what I’ve said Sincerely, This response demonstrates a weak ability to persuade a reader. The opening is minimal, offering a position statement (I believe that an 8:00 pm cerfew is way to much for children under 15 years of age) before immediately moving to the first argument (Because, if parents let their child out past that time they must believe that their child is responsible enough), which is followed by minimal elaboration (...it should be all up to the parent). The next argument uses the persuasive technique of a hypothetical question about unintended consequences (What if movie theater sales go down), and elaborates using a list of two additional statements (...because, they have less children goin to see movies with their friends, that goes for other businesses). A third argument, perhaps designed to scare the audience, (I just think this will cause kids to rebel) is accompanied by only one weak supporting statement (...because they are going to be kept on such a tight leash). The arguments show some sense of audience and, therefore, the writer, in that they focus on the interests of the community officials and parents, rather than on the desires of the young people. Word choice is limited with an occasional specific word or phrase (way to much; rebel; tight leash); sentence variety is limited by the brevity of the response. A minimal closing (Thank you, I hope you will concider what I’ve said), and the limited organizational plan make this piece of writing seem like a draft, lacking a sense of wholeness or completeness. The best-fit Content, Organization, and Style score for this piece of writing is a 2.

COS 2 (low 2)

# 4 Intro T/D E,E T D Concl



Dear community officials, I think it is a good idea to make an 8:00 p.m. curfew for people under the age of 15. I think it is good for 3 good reasons. I will share them in 3 paragraphs. First, you could get hurt. Nobody can see you when they are driving. And you could get hit. That is one reason why an 8:00 p.m. curfew is a good idea. Second of all, people can get in alot of trouble. On late weekend nights people get crazy! Young teenagers get into drugs and alchohal. That is another reason why it is a great idea. Finally, kids and teenagers can get kidnapped. Even adults get taken, so nothing will stop them from takin an 11 year-old girl. That is why it is a wonderful suggestion. I hope you consider making it final. Sincerely, This response demonstrates a weak ability to persuade a reader. Following a basic position statement (I think it is a good idea to make an 8:00 p.m. curfew for people under the age of 15), the opening is minimal and formulaic, using very limited vocabulary and simple, repetitive sentence structures (I think it is good for 3 good reasons. I will share them in 3 paragraphs). Transitions at the beginning of each body paragraph are also very simple and formulaic (First; Second of all; Finally). For each of the three reasons, the writer states the argument, supports this with a list, and then moves immediately to the next argument without further fleshing out or elaboration. The first argument (...you could get hurt), followed by two general and redundant statements (Nobody can see you when they are driving. And you could get hit). The second argument (...people can get in alot of trouble), is followed by two somewhat connected statements (On late weekend nights people get crazy! Young teenagers get into drugs and alchohal). The writer closes the paragraph with a formulaic summary statement (That is another reason why it is a great idea) and moves on to the third argument (...kids and teenagers can get kidnapped), followed by the scary warning, (Even adults get taken, so nothing will stop them from takin an 11 year-old girl). From the choice of examples, the writer demonstrates an awareness of adult concerns: car accidents, underage drinking, predators, and kidnappers. Also, the final statement of this paragraph serves to conclude the paragraph (That is why it is a wonderful suggestion), though not effectively. The minimal closing does not conclude, or draw ideas together, (I hope you consider making it final), but does call for action. Vocabulary is extremely limited and predictable, and sentences tend to be a series of short and choppy; together with the overt formula pattern, these elements significantly detract from any sense of the person behind the words. However, this overt pattern does hold this novice writing together, giving it a sense of having a plan and some wholeness. The best-fit Content, Organization, and Style score for this piece of writing is a 2.

COS 2

# 5 Intro

T,D E,E T,D E,E T,D E Concl



Dear Community Officials, I have just been informed that you are thinking about making an early curfew and have decided that I should take a stand. My position is that I think we should not have an early curfew. My first argument is that there isn’t really any reason for us to have an early curfew, because we haven’t really had a problem with kids after eight o’clock yet, so what’s the point? And when you say that we should have an early curfew, then you are pretty much saying that you do not trust the kids of our community. Second of all, there are a lot of activities that end at eight or nine o’clock, and some kids might need to walk home. Because most parents won’t want to either drive a short distance just because of an early curfew. And much less walk there for it. And another major reason there shouldn’t be an early curfew is that some stores such as Wal-Mart are open 24/7, and it is very convenient to shop there are in the evening. And some parents might live right next to one and want one of their kids to go pick up a few things. And this concludes my letter. I hope that you will read this thoroughly and really consider not making an early curfew for the community’s sake.

# 6 Intro T D/E D/E T/D E E T D E Concl

This response demonstrates a weak ability to persuade a reader. The introduction uses a tone appropriate to the audience and purpose of the letter (I have just been informed that you are thinking about making an early curfew and have decided that I should take a stand. My position is that I think we should not have an early curfew) and does take a position. Each of the following paragraphs begins with a formulaic and simple transition (My first argument; Second of all; and another major reason; And this concludes my letter), serving as a superficial organizational pattern. The ideas, however, do not seem to be ordered according to a thoughtful purpose or plan. The first argument suggests the curfew is unnecessary because there is no problem (...we haven’t really had a problem with kids after eight o’clock yet, so what’s the point?), but remains at a very general level, without presenting any evidence or elaboration for the claim. The next statement is an emotional taunt directed at the audience, seemingly disconnected from the other idea in the paragraph (And when you say that we should have an early curfew, then you are pretty much saying that you do not trust kids of our community). The second argument focuses on activities happening after the proposed curfew time (...there are a lot of activities that end at eight or nine o’clock and some kids might need to walk home), followed by one, somewhat confusing, reason (Because most parents won’t want to either drive a short distance just because of an early curfew, And much less walk there for it). The third argument (...some stores such as Wal-Mart are open 24/7, and it is very convenient to shop there are in the evening) provides a bit more specificity (Wal-Mart; 24/7), but the listed development is very general and stops before layering or fleshing out the thought (And some parents might live right next to one and want one of their kids to go pick up a few things). The conclusion addresses the audience, with some sense of calling for action (I hope that you will read this thoroughly and really consider not making an early curfew for the community’s sake) but does not attempt to draw ideas together from the rest of the writing. Word choice stays at a general level with a few specific words (Wal-Mart, 24/7); sentences which could be combined, are strung together with and as a transitions (shop there in the evening. And some parents...). Owing to the brief elaboration and limited word choice, the reader does not gain a sense of the person behind the words and the writing does not seem complete. The best-fit Content, Organization, and Style score for this piece of writing is a 2.

COS 2



Dear Community Officials, I think your proposal is a bad idea. The reasons for that are its not fair for us younger kids that want to play and us kids also have rights, plus some people have after school activities that end around 8:30 pm, another reason is that sometimes students planned on staying at a friend’s house over the weekend but decide to go home at around 9:00pm. The reason its not fair is that us younger kids also have rights to stay out late because its the older teenagers that do all the vandalism not us younger kids. Another explanation is that some kids have after school activities that end around 8:30 pm For example if you have a soccer practice that ends around 8:00 pm and you disobey the coach he’ll make the whole team run laps around the field, thus making the walkers late getting home. Another great reason is that sometimes students planned on staying at their friends house over the weekend but decide to go home at 9:00 pm because they get in a fight with a friend/s and need to cool off. Therefore, us kids should not have a curfew, Thanks for reading my letter and I hope you enjoyed and think about my proposal against your proposal. Sincerely P.S. Please about it. Pleeaase

# 7 Intro T/D T D E E T/D E

Concl

This response demonstrates a weak ability to persuade a reader. Following a general position statement (I think your proposal is a bad idea), the introduction presents a formulaic and sometimes awkward list of arguments (The reasons for that are its not fair for us younger kids that want to play and us kids also have rights, plus some people have after school activities that end around 8:30 pm, another reason is that sometimes students planned on staying at a friend’s house over the weekend but decide to go home at around 9:00 pm). The reasons seem to be chosen somewhat randomly and are unequal in scope, varying from natural rights to a hypothetical overnight. The first argument (...us younger kids also have rights to stay out late...) offers a thin, tangentially related support (because it’s the older teenagers that do all the vandalism not us younger kids) and has no further explanation or elaboration. The second argument, repeated from the introduction, (...some kids have after school activities that end around 8:30) is followed by an example (For example if you have a soccer practice that ends around 8:00 pm and you disobey the coach he’ll make the whole team run laps around the field) and a brief extension to this statement (thus making the walkers late getting home). Elaboration on the third argument (...sometimes students planned on staying at their friends house over the weekend but decide to go home at 9:00 pm) is in the form of a hypothetical example (...because the get in a fight with a friend/s and need to cool off) without further explanation or anecdote to add veracity to the example. The closing does not draw together the ideas, but does include a weak, awkward call for action (Thanks for reading my letter and I hope you enjoyed and think about my proposal against your proposal), with the post script plea (P.S. Please think about it. Pleeaase). The writer employs a number of transitions (because...For example...thus...) to help the reader move through the writing. Choice of vocabulary is predictable and does not help to create a sense of the writer; sentences have some variation, but are generally long, strung together clauses. The randomly chosen arguments with sparse elaboration give the paper a “draft” feel and detract from a sense of wholeness and completeness. The best-fit Content, Organization, and Style score for this piece of writing is a 2.

COS 2



Dear Officials, There are many reasons why this proposal about having a curfew at 8:00p.m if you are under 15 is good. One reason in particular is if because people under 15 we’re in before 8:00 pm there would be a less vandalism. Also with a curfew at 8:00 pm there would be less kidnappings. With this curfew kids would do better academicly. first, This curfew is a wonderful purposal because with children under the age of 15 indoors before 8:00 p.m. it would not give them much time to vandalize because it would be in daylight It would be difficult to vandalize in day light because the police can see you easier rather than in the dark Second, The curfew is a great idea because with the kids in before 8:00pm there would be less of a chance they would be kidnapped because they would not be out late. Although if they were out late past 8:00pm they would need an adult present with them. Lastly, I believe this curfew is an excellent purposal because kids would do better academicly because they wouldn’t be out so late. Which would result them getting more sleep and not being tierd at school and falling asleep in class. In conclusion, This is why I think that kids under 15 must be indoors before 8:00pm unless and adult is present with them.

# 8 Intro T D E E T D E,E T D E Concl

This response demonstrates a weak ability to persuade a reader. The introduction is formulaic, yet does take a position (There are many reasons why this proposal about having a curfew at 8:00 p.m. if you are under 15 is good), and then lists the arguments (One reason in particular is...because...there would be...less vandalism. Also...there would be less kidnappings. With this curfew kids would do better academicly) in a fill-in-the-three-blanks format. Each reason has its own paragraph beginning with an introductory word (First,...Second,...Lastly,...). The first argument (...it would not give them much time to vandalize) provides a brief clarification (...because it would be in daylight), and then offers one generalization as further support (It would be difficult to vandalize in the day light because the police can see you easier rather than in the dark). The next argument (...there would be less chance they would be kidnapped), is developed with a brief extension (...because they would not be out late), then a confusing attempt to show the connection to the pro-curfew stand (Although if they were out late past 8:000pm they would need an adult present with them). The third argument (...kids would do better academicly) is supported with a series of cause-effect statements (...they wouldn’t be out so late. Which would result them getting more sleep and not being tierd at school and falling asleep in class) verging on layered elaboration. The conclusion again begins with a formulaic transition, and reiterates the position stated at the start. Despite the occasional instance of appropriate word choice (vandalism; excellent purposal; academicly), language in this response is generally limited and predictable; sentences show some variety in length and structure, however, most begin with the subject. Because the formula is driving the ideas in this piece, the arguments or supporting reasons do not flow logically from one to the next. The writer present young people as vandals, kidnap victims, then as good students. The response does not seem coherent or whole. The best-fit Content, Organization, and Style score for this piece of writing is a 2.

COS 2 (high 2)



Dear community officials: Fantastic job! Well done! I completely agree. Now my friends mom won’t have to spend so much time scrubbing off graffiti. Thank you for making a curfew for kids under the age of fifteen. I think this curfew will be “good” for our community because most teens break laws after dark, and the time after the cerfew provides a time for homework. Usually when someone robs a store it’s at night. Right! Teens usually violate laws after dark because it’s easier to run away if the cops can’t see them. I’m not saying this curfew helps stop young teens from violating laws at night, but it also helps protect children under fifteen years old. People say that kids don’t do their homework because they’re lazy. Well that’s not true. It’s because we’d rather go outside. But when the law prevents us from “going” outside, what do we do? Well, I would do my homework. In conclusion, I agree with the idea of a curfew because it protects our children from what happens after dark, and it provides time for homework. I hop ther aren’t too may lazy kids in Camas. So hurry up and make that curfuw legal

# 9 Intro T,D E E T D,E,E E Concl

This response demonstrates a sufficient ability to persuade a reader. The response draws the audience into the writing by situating the reader in the middle of a lively discussion (Fantastic job! Well done! I completely agree. Now my friends mom won’t have to spend so much time scrubbing off graffiti. Thank you for making a curfew...). Following the opening, the voice of the speaker weakens with a somewhat stiff, yet clear position statement with two reasons (I think this curfew will be “good” for our community because most teens break laws after dark, and the time after the cerfew provides a time for homework). The writer begins the first argument with a generalization about teen lawbreakers (Usually when someone robs a store it’s at night. Right! Teens usually violate laws after dark...) and offers a reason (because it’s easier to run away if the cops can’t see them) as supporting evidence. The final sentence of this paragraph suggests an additional benefit from ridding the streets of teen lawbreakers (I’m not only saying this curfew helps stop young teens from violating laws at night, but it also helps protect children under fifteen years old) or could serve as a vague transition to the next idea. In the second argument (the cerfew provides a time for homework), the writer again draws the reader in by clearing up a misconception (People say that kids don’t do their homework because they’re lazy. Well that’s not true. It’s because we’d rather go outside). This argument continues to develop with a question and answer, in an if-then format (But when the law prevents us from “going” outside, what do we do? Well, I would do my homework), serving as added elaboration. The conclusion lists the arguments addressed in the response and has a call for action (I hop ther aren’t too may lazy kids in Camas. So hurry up and make that curfuw legal). This writer consistently demonstrates an awareness of audience through the choice of arguments, specific vocabulary (Fantastic job, graffiti, cops) and sentences that speak directly to the reader. Transitions are natural, not forced (not only...but it also...); one idea generally leads to the next. There is a clear sense of the person behind the words and the response feels complete and whole. The best-fit Content, Organization, and Style score for this piece of writing is a 3.

COS 3 (low 3)



Dear Officials, Kids get out of hand late at night, So I agrea with your dision for an 8:00 P.M. cerfew. One reson is ther will be no more out of control partys, another reson is ther will be less injurys or deaths at overly wild partys. When kids are unsupervised they can throw huge partys. Quite a bit of the time the partys get out of hand and the kids become loud. Eventualy people start calling police. When the party is too loud somtimes its because the kids are drunk and are not controling ther voices well. Sometimes the police do find drugs and liquor. When drugs and liqure are found kids are sick, unconshis, or dead. Kids go to rehab focilitys, and hospitle bills go up. The longer and later the party the more chance of death and ingury. Now with a curfew ther will be less chance of kids doing dumb things. Some kids could argue that curfews are not saving any one, there just making it harder for kids to get together outside of school. Curfews do protect you, they can protect you from child prediturs who hang around at night. If a kid wants to hang out with another kid he or she can arange asleep over or can go out but be home at 8:00 P.M. All in all, curfews are helpful. Ther will be fewer deaths and fewer out of control partys. A curfew is a helpful thing.

# 10 Intro T,D E E T D,E E E T/D E E Concl

This response demonstrates a sufficient ability to persuade a reader. The writer begins this response with a statement of position (Kids get out of hand late at night, so I agrea with your dision...) then presents a formulaic list of two arguments (One reson is ther will be no more out of control partys, another reson is ther will be less injurys or deaths at overly wild partys). The next two paragraphs go together, serving to sequence the two arguments, in an if-then setup, first describing the parties, then the longer term effects or outcomes. The writer uses multiple layers of elaboration to show the hypothetical sequence of events (When kids are unsupervised they can throw huge partys. Quite a bit of the time the partys get out of hand...Eventualy people start calling police. When the party is too loud somtimes its because the kids are drunk...Sometimes the police do find drugs or liquor. When drugs and liqure are found kids are sick, unconshis, or dead. Kids go to rehab focilitys, and hospitle bills go up). The final statements of this paragraph serve to wrap up the idea persuasively (The longer and later the party the more chance of death and ingury), though effectiveness is somewhat weakened by weak word choice (Now with a curfew ther will be less chance of kids doing dumb things). The next paragraph begins by addressing a potential objection to the writer’s positions (Some kids could argue that curfews are not saving any one, there just making it harder for kids to get together outside of school. Curfews do protect you, they can protect you from child prediturs who hang around at night) and ends with another persuasive technique, problem solving (If a kid wants to hang out with another kid he or she can arange asleep over or can go out but be home at 8:00 P.M.). Elaboration in this section is less well-developed, but maintains focus on the dangers encountered at night. The weak closing is formulaic, repeating the ideas from the opening. Sentences are varied, using natural transitions (Eventualy...When the party is...Sometimes...) to draw the reader fluidly through the writing. Word choice is generally specific and appropriate for the audience and purpose (unsupervised; not contoling ther voices; sick, unconshis, or dead; rehab focilitys). Speaking to the reader almost conversationally, laying out believable scenarios, and choosing specific vocabulary gives a sense of the person behind the words. The writing, by and large, seems planned and feels whole and complete. The best-fit Content, Organization, and Style score for this piece of writing is a 3.

COS 3



Dear City Officials, This is K----- P---- and I disagree with the law you are trying to pass. It is really unfair. Most kids don’t even go to bed until after 8:00. But the worst part is that if you pass this law we wouldn’t be able to do anything on our only days off. So please don’t pass this law, it is totally not fair. Most kids don’t even go to bed at 8:00, they go to bed later. Satistics show that 70% of kids in America go to bed after 8:00, and the other 30% who go to bed at 8:00 are from newborn to 6 years old. So only the little kids have to go to bed early and 7-15 year olds are not babies. But also I myself don’t go bed directly 8:00. I usely go to bed between 9:30-10:00 pm. So we shouldn’t have to go to bed so early. Are you still not convinced that we should be able to be out later than 8:00, without a parent. Well according to Alyssa Karnes, CBA (Children Behavior Analyse), say “Kids need some fun in their lives or it can lead them to doing bad at school.” That was based on a study she had been doing for four years and on 20 different students. The study was that half the students had fun on weekends and went to bed at 9:00 to 9:30, they did really well in school. But the other half kids did have any fun and went to be around 7:30 to 8:00, and they didn’t do well in school. Not only that but 9 out of 10 students at TRIMS say they stay-up later on weekends than weekday, and they have more fun. So please don’t pass this really really unfair law. Because basicall by telling us you don’t want us out late is telling us we should go to bed early. Most kids go to be or want to stay out later than 8:00. With only weekends to have fun we wouldn’t get to do anything if this law passes. Sincerly,

# 11 Intro T,D,E E D E E T D E E E E Concl

This response demonstrates a sufficient ability to persuade a reader. After taking a position (I disagree with the law you are trying to pass), the response provides a list of arguments connected by internal transitions to make them less formulaic (Most kids don’t even go to bed until after 8:00. But the worst part is that if you pass this law we wouldn’t be able to do anything on our only days off). Elaboration for the first argument, centered on bedtime, is layered, fleshing out the idea by providing specific details and statistics (Satistics show that 70% of kids in America go to bed after 8:00, and the other 30% who go to bed at 8:00 are from newborn to 6 years old. So only the little kids have to go to bed early and 7-15 year olds are not babies). Elaboration continues with an example from the writer’s experience (But also I myself don’t go bed at directly 8:00. I usely go to bed between 9:30-10:00 pm). The logical connection between an 8:00 curfew and an 8:00 bedtime is not clarified, and is thus confusing. Next, the writer addresses the reader in a conversational tone, (Are you still not convinced that we should be able to be


out later than 8:00, without a parent), making a somewhat awkward transition to the second argument that kids need time for fun. Here the writer uses expert opinion (Well according to Alyssa Karnes, CBA (Children Behavior Analyse)...) as the elaboration technique and provides layers of statistics, explanations, and other details (“Kids need some fun in their lives or it can lead them to doing bad at school.” That was based on a study she had been doing for four years and on 20 different students. ...half the students had fun on weekends and went to bed at 9:00 to 9:30, they did really well in school. But the other half kids did have any fun and went to be around 7:30 to 8:00, and they didn’t do well in school). Although writer stumbles around a bit in the scientific language, he or she generally captures the “sound” of a scientific study. The weak conclusion attempts to connect the ideas (...basicall by telling us you don’t want us out late is telling us we should go to bed early), but ends up repeating itself and the ideas presented in the opening. On the positive side, there is a weak plea for action (So please don’t pass this really really unfair law). Through the strong word choice, the natural transitions (Well according to...But the other half...), and appropriate sentence structure in the scientific study paragraph, the writer displays a fairly well-devbeloped ear for specific voices. Overall, the writer effectively addresses a sense of the person behind the words. Aside from the weak closing, the response seems planned out and feels complete and whole. The best-fit Content, Organization, and Style score for the piece of writing is a 3.

COS 3



Have you ever felt like going Shopping after 8:00 PM? Or try Spending more time with friends after dark? If you keep reading, you will be convinced that those are good ideas. People under fifteen should be able to be outside after 8:00pm without adult Supervision because, other places will get more money and you will have more time with friends. In the first place, other places will get more money. For example 90% of people go bowling after dark and have fun too. That is a lot of money for bowling buisnesses. Another company that will get a lot of money is Safeways because after going bowling for a couple of hours you will probably want to eat Something and Safeways is just next door to the Conway bowling alley So you could get cookies there or Something. The last place that will get a lot of money is gas stations because after going bowling and then heading to Safeways you will probably need Some gas. Since gas prices have raised it usually takes about thirty dollars to fill your gas tank. The last reason why kids under 15 Should be allowed outside after 8:00 pm is because 99% of kids like to hang with there friends around 8:00 pm. Your probably wondering “why they can’t be with there friends during the day”? That is because everyone is in School trying to get good grades. People Should let kids Stay out after 8:00pm without supervision because other places will get more money and kids will have more time with there friends. What are you waiting for? March up to the courthouse and get ride that rule!

# 12 Intro T,D E D/E E E,D E E T D E Concl

This response demonstrates a sufficient ability to persuade a reader. The response starts off strongly with persuasive techniques in the introduction, using questions to address the reader directly (Have you ever felt like going Shopping after 8:00 PM? Or try Spending more time with friends after dark? If you keep reading, you will be convinced that those are good ideas...), but then moves to a list of two very loosely connected arguments. The first argument (other places will get more money) is supported by three examples of specific businesses that would be financially affected if the curfew were to be enacted (bowling businesses; Safeways; gas stations); each example is followed by sufficient elaboration. The paragraph maintains cohesiveness because the writer moves from example to example in logical progression creating a kind of domino effect (...90% of people go bowling after dark... That is a lot of money for bowling buisnesses. Another company that will get a lot of money is Safeways because after going bowling for a couple of hours you will probably want to eat Something and Safeways is just next door to the Conway bowling alley. ...)


Each business mentioned has at least one level of elaboration (The last place that will get a lot of money is gas stations because after going bowling and then heading to Safeways you will probably need Some gas. Since gas prices have raised it usually takes about thirty dollars to fill your gas tank.); and the examples all relate back to the main idea of increasing revenue for the town. The next argument focuses on (you will have more time with friends) and begins with another simple, formulaic transition (The last reason), which is somewhat confusing because the previous paragraph included the last place as an internal transition. The writer uses statistics (...99% of kids like to hang with there friends around 8:00 pm) to support the claim and rebuts an argument the reader might have (Your probably wondering “why they can’t be with there friends during the day”? That is because everyone is in School trying to get good grades). By bringing in good grades the writer shows an awareness of what would be persuasive to an adult audience. The conclusion is a reiteration of the opening, but ends with an energetic call for action (What are you waiting for? March up to the courthouse and get ride of that rule!). Some transitions are used in a simple and formulaic manner (In the first place...Another...The last place...), but these do not detract because the ideas are generally related. Specific details and effective word choice (Conway bowling alley; thirty dollars to fill your tank; March up tot that courthouse) enliven the writing and help create a sense of the person behind the words, while some repetitive phrases (get more money; have fun; That is a lot of money; get more money) diminish the effectiveness of the piece. Sentences are varied and the response feels somewhat complete and whole. The best-fit Content, Organization, and Style score for this piece of writing is a 3.

COS 3



Dear Officials, Imagine, waking up lying in bed with Doctors and nurses standing above you watching your every move. You think to yourself, “What in the world happened to me?” You can’t seem to remember anything! But, when you and your parents find out you have suffered from a horrible head injury from a car crash, you suddenly remember driving out late last night. That was Strike 3, and you know you were out! My opinion in this proposal is that I’m all for it! This is a huge problem with teens these days, when they have no cerfew. They take off driving at 1:00 in the morning and get into wrecks, and wind up in a hospital bed with a head injury. Other problems like drinking and driving occur all the time. Same with speed racing on the streets at night. Without guidence and laws, soon over half of teenager’s in America will be dead. Sure we all think it’s fine for a 17 year old to jump into a car at 3:00 in the morning to drive to a nearby gas station for a pop. But what if, on the way another teen was drinking and driving & crashes into you & you wind up dead. Then what? But with an adult in the car for guidence and a 8:00pm cerfew, kids on the road in cars would be safer. In the city stuff like: Gang shooting, fights, kidnapping, burglary happens all the time. Kids with an 8:00 cefew wouldn’t be getting into trouble like that. This law for kids everywhere is a good proposal. I mean, do we really want out kids out running around at 2:00 in the morning, getting into trouble? They only have a few chances in life to make it. So, let’s start with this one. Now.

# 13 Intro T D E,D D E T/D E E E T/D E Concl

This response demonstrates a sufficient ability to persuade a reader. The response begins with a dramatic scenario, drawing the reader into the writing (Imagine, waking up lying in bed with Doctors and nurses standing above you watching your every move. You think to yourself, “What in the world happened to me?” ...you and your parents find out you have suffered from a horrible head injury from a car crash), though, confusingly, the audience in the scenario is a young person, not the community officials. The writer then takes a position (My opinion in this proposal is that I’m all for it! This is a huge problem with teens these days, when they have no cerfew) using unclear language with vague pronoun referents (it...This...They...). The first argument continues from the introduction (They wind up in a hospital bed with a head injury), elaborated upon with a list of dangers teens encounter driving at night (drinking and driving... ...speed racing on the streets at night). The section ends with another instance of vivid, though hyperbolic language (Without guidence and laws, soon over half of teenager’s in America will be dead). The next paragraph addresses a potential argument from those who might disagree with the writer’s position (Sure we all think it’s fine for a 17 year old to jump into a car at 3:00 in the morning to drive to a nearby gas station for a pop. But what if, on the way another teen was drinking and driving


& crashes into you & you wind up dead. Then what?), and offers an answer to the objection (But with an adult in the car for guidence and a 8:00 cerfew, kids on the road in cars would be safer). Then the writer moves on to the dangers encountered in the city and presents a simple list of specifics (Gang shooting, fights, kidnapping, burglary happens all the time) and suggests, perhaps naively, that the curfew would solve the problems. Holistically, elaboration is stronger and layered in the first section, and sparser towards the end. The conclusion is effective, using a question directed at the audience as an effort to really support (...do we really want our kids out running around at 2:00 in the morning, getting into trouble?), ending with a strong, persuasive call for action (They only have a few chances in life to make it. So, let’s start with this one. Now). Emotional language and lively word choice (That was Strike 3, and you know you were out!) help to create a clear sense of the emotional person behind the words. Transitional language (But, when you...Other problems...Sure we...) moves the reader easily through the response and helps to create a sense of wholeness; the writing seems to follow a general plan and seems complete. The best-fit Content, Organization, and Style score for this piece of writing is a 3.

COS 3 (high 3)



Did you ever stay out later than 8:00 p.m. without an adult when you were young? You could, so why take that privilege away from present day kids? I disagree 100% with the 8 p.m. curfew, and 98% of the communities children do too. What do you expect us kids to do after 8 anyway, sit around like couch potatoes? Having an 8:00 curfew would prevent many activities, and cause the society to suffer. Right now I am 13 years old, and I play a lot of sports, including gymnastics, basketball, volleyball, etc. Sometimes, when my teams go to away games, we don’t get back from them until 9 or 10 O’clock at night. Being forced to be home at 8 would mean my teams couldn’t go to away games, and away teams couldn’t come to us. There are also a ton of night time activities that would be excluded, like going to the church camp I go to every year. A few people from the college, NNU (Northwest Nazeren University) in Idaho, come and prepare late night games for the students. The campers also enjoy sneaking out of their cabins at night without adult supevision. Another activity we’d be missing is outdoor sleeping (camping). Sometimes my friends and I like to take a tent out to the woods and sleep out there. With a curfew law, that would be illegal. Not to mention, having a curfew would make at least half of the community leave. Kind of like the domino effect, the community needs only a few citizens to disturb the society. Once one family leaves and the house dealers can’t sell their house because of the new law, the house will fall apart and the gardens will die. After a while, more and more families will move. Then, businesses will lose customers and money, and be forced to depart also. Pretty soon the community will have no more people, and an area that used to be beautiful will become a truck stop, or a place that’s not on the map. Kind of like the movie Cars, where the community had once been great but became a worthless dump. Until the 8:00 law isn’t even a thought, I will continue to disagree and argue about your unfairness. By enforcing an 8 p.m. curfew, the kids of the society won’t be able to participate in fun activities, and the once heavily populated area will die down to nothing. Don’t make the 8 O’clock curfew a law, or go get new officals to run the community!

# 14

Intro T,D E E D E E D E E E D T/D E E D,E E E Concl


This response demonstrates a strong ability to persuade a reader. The introduction immediately draws the reader into the response with a question, (Did you ever stay out later than 8:00 p.m. without an adult when you were young? You could, so why take that privilege away from present day kids?) then takes a position, and elaborates with use of statistics (I disagree 100% with the 8 p.m. curfew, and 98% of the communities children do too). Though the two main arguments (prevent many activities, and cause the society to suffer) are explicitly listed, they flow well from the introduction and do not sound formulaic. The writer develops the first point (prevent many activities) by focusing on three activities that might be affected by a curfew (...play a lot of sports...going to church camp...outdoor sleeping...). Generally the writer explains and expands upon the ideas with multiple layers of support. For example, the writer discusses church camp, (...I go to every year. A few people from the college, NNU (Northwest Nazerene University) in Idaho, come and prepare late night games for the students...the campers also enjoy sneaking out of their cabins...) adding layers of specific details that suggest wholesome and harmless activity. For the next argument (cause the society to suffer) the writer uses a technique sometimes referred to as the “house that Jack built,” or as the writer calls it, (domino effect), to support the argument; that is, a causal chain that connects a series of steps; in this case the chain of events begins with passing the curfew and ends with the destruction of the community and its disappearance from the map. Effective transitions (Once one family leaves... After a while,... Pretty soon...) and connected ideas lead the reader logically from one step to the next, resulting in a sense of completeness. Within this paragraph, engaging word choices (domino effect; disturb the society; worthless dump) and sentence variety (Then businesses will lose customers and money, and be forced to depart also. Pretty soon the community will have no more people, and an area that used to be beautiful will become a truck stop, or a place that’s not on the map) make the writing more persuasive. The conclusion is strong and goes far beyond summing up the main ideas; the writer shows clear understanding of the dynamics between community leaders and citizen activists (Until the 8:00 law isn’t even a thought, I will continue to disagree and argue about your unfairness...the once heavily populated area will die down to nothing...get new officials to run the community!) The strong conclusion, personal examples, vivid phrases (What do you expect us kids to do after 8 anyway, sit around like couch potatoes?) and specific word choice create a clear sense of the person behind the words. The writing seems well planned and complete. The best-fit Content, Organization, and Style score for this piece of writing is a 4.

COS 4 (low 4)


Early Curfew


Dear Community Officials, On the news lately we’ve been hearing alot about young kids staying out late and getting into trouble. I think the early curfew is good because, it will decrease the chance of kids getting into trouble, it will allow the kids to focus in on their schoolwork, and they will still have time for their extracurricular activities. By setting this rule, you will decrease the number of kids roaming the streets at night, therefore decreasing the chance of kids getting into trouble. The streets are a scary place at night. Staying out late just one night could get you in serious trouble. You could find yourself taking drugs or even shoplifting. You’ll find yourself hanging out with the wrong crowd and doing things that you know you should’nt be doing. When you were younger did you ever ignore your mom’s constant nag to do your homework? I do that sometimes and go outside instead. By setting this rule, the kids will have to come inside and do their homework. Coming home at 8:00 and doing your homework doesn’t mean you have to go to bed right then, but it does help to wind down, go to bed, and get a good nights rest. I bet the kids will sleep better and get better grades, just from this rule alone. One could argue that setting this rule would be a bad idea because, “I have extracurricular activities that go past 8:00” or even the famous, “kids need their freedom.” Both of these statements are incorrect because, extracurricular activities are usually hosted by an adult. For example, all sport practices are coached by an adult, or even something related to school, such as volenteer work, there is always an adult present. As for the, “kids need their freedom,” you aren’t taking that away. By letting kids stay out until 8:00 is plenty of freedom. After 8:00, there is no action, no nothing, so why don’t the kids just give in and go home. I think as the kids get older they will learn to appreciate this rule. I think the early curfew is good because, it will decrease the chance of kids getting into trouble, it will allow the kids to focus on their school work, and they will have time for their extracurricular activities. By proposing the early curfew rule, it will make your community a better place.

# 15 Intro T/D E,E E E T D,E E E E T/D E E D E E Concl


This response demonstrates a strong ability to persuade a reader. The introduction immediately establishes a common link to the reader (On the news lately we’ve been hearing alot about young kids staying out late and getting into trouble.), moves to the position of the writer (...the early curfew is good), and then lists support in arguments that will follow in subsequent paragraphs (it will decrease the chance of kids getting into trouble...allow the kids to focus in on their schoolwork...still have time for their extracurricular activities). The attention to the reader continues in the next paragraph (When you were younger did you ever ignore your mom’s constant nag to do your homework?) and establishes that the reader and writer have things in common (I do that sometimes and go outside instead). The first argument, centering on potential trouble at night, is supported with a list of related examples that build upon one another (The streets are a scary place...You could find yourself taking drugs or even shoplifting. You’ll find yourself hanging out with the wrong crowd and doing things that you know you should’nt be doing). The second argument centers on how young people would benefit from more homework and sleep and addresses an objection that could surface (Coming home at 8:00 and doing your homework doesn’t mean you have to go to bed right then, but it does help to wind down...). This writer demonstrates awareness of an adult concerns (I bet the kids will sleep better and get better grades, just from this rule alone) in the choice of details. Next, the writer addresses two objections the reader might have (One could argue that setting this rule would be a bad idea because, “I have extracurricular activities that go past 8:00” or even the famous, “kids need their freedom.”), and rebuts each objection in a different manner. The first is countered with specific examples (...extracurricular activities are usually hosted by an adult. For example, all sport practices are coached by an adult...), while the second point (freedom) is addressed with more persuasive language and sentence variety (...you aren’t taking that away. By letting kids stay out until 8:00 is plenty of freedom. After 8:00, there is no action, no nothing, so why don’t the kids just give in and go home). The conclusion begins in a formulaic manner by once again listing arguments, though the closing statement does demonstrate audience awareness (By proposing the early curfew rule, it will make your community a better place). Despite these weaknesses in the introduction and conclusion, the response demonstrates consistent cohesiveness both within and across paragraphs; internal transitions effectively guide the reader from one idea to the next giving the writing a sense of completeness. The response frequently uses persuasive techniques and engaging language to strengthen the sense of the person behind the words. The best-fit Content, Organization, and Style score for this piece of writing is a 4.

COS 4


Early Curfew


Dear officials, Imagine a dark night at 10:00 p.m. Two kids, both about ten years old, are walking down a street. The two boys are just talking to eachother, not taking heed to their surroundings. They don’t notice a man dressed in black crouching behind a bush. One of the boys starts talking, and lookes at the ground by his shoes. He looks up to ask the other boy a question, but no one is there. Now, only the man dressed in black knows where he is.... This idea is almost too horrific to even think of! If there was an adult with the two boys, this story could have completely changed. I don’t think that children under 15 years of age should be able to go out after 8:00 p.m. without an adult because the kids may become caught up in drugs at night, and because they could be kidnapped. The first reason that children under 15 should not be out after 8:00 p.m. is because they might become caught up in drugs. I once saw a documentary that interviewed kids that use to drink alcohol. Most of them started at age 12 and 13. I noticed that on most occasions, when the kid would start drinking, it was at night past 8:00 p.m. They would be at some party that had alcohol. No adults were around; it was just the kids. Is it not easy for a child under 15 years of age to become addicted to drugs when it’s at night, and the only people around are his friends? For some, it is too easy. Adults might say, “But some children like to play outside late at night!” Yes, this is true, but would it be worth the consequences of a child being kidnapped? Kidnappers usually strike at night when they can be concealed by the darkness. How simple it would be for one of them to snach a child late at night! I have heard of numerous kidnappings that have taken place at night with no parents around. No on can see the kidnapper take someone, and it usually takes some time to figure out that the persons even missing! In conclusion, children under 15 shouldn’t be out after 8:00 p.m. because they might get caught up in drugs, and because they have a greater chance of being kidnapped at night. Children can become caught up in drugs when they’re out with their friends at night. Kidnappers usually strike at night in the darkness when they can’t be seen as well. Don’t let children go out after 8:00 p.m.; it could change someone’s life! Sincerely,

# 16 Intro T D E E E E,E E T D E E E E/E Concl


This response demonstrates a strong ability to persuade a reader. It begins with an artful, dramatic scenario, effectively setting up the theme of danger young people face, and drawing the reader in with a mystery-style narrative. (He looks up to ask the other boy a question, but no one is there. Now, only the man dressed in black knows where he is... This idea is almost too horrific to even think of!). Early on, the ability of the writer to control the effect on a reader is clear. Choice of words and phrasing create a powerful impact (...taking heed to their surroundings. ...crouching behind a bush). The writer uses this scenario of dangers in the night as an oblique focus for the response, and moves to a list of arguments that will be fleshed out later (...the kids may become caught up in drugs and night, and because they could be kidnapped). The response shifts somewhat abruptly from the kidnapping scenario to the first argument (drugs), using a formulaic and not particularly effective transition (The first reason that children under 15 should not be out after 8:00 p.m. is because...). However, the remainder of paragraph demonstrates full elaboration of the argument and uses effective internal transitions to lead the reader logically from one idea to the next, while persuasively citing observations and statistics from an expert source (I once saw a documentary that interviewed kids that use to drink alcohol. Most them started at age 12 and 13. I noticed that on most occasions, when the kids would start drinking, it was at night past 8:00 p.m.). As the argument is further layered with elaboration, additional persuasive techniques appear, such as a rhetorical question (Is it not easy for a child under 15 years of age to become addicted to drugs when it’s at night, and the only people around are his friends? For some, it is too easy). Here the writer uses persuasive language and purposefully-crafted sentences of varied length to enhance the meaning. The second argument (kidnappings) opens by addressing a potential objection (Adults might say, “But some children like to play outside late at night!”), then answers the objection with a rhetorical question (Yes, this is true, but would it be worth the consequences of a child being kidnapped?). Adding to the mounting evidence, the writer elaborates further by citing examples from personal knowledge (I have heard of numerous kidnappings...). Word choice continues to be engaging and appropriate (Kidnappers usually strike...they can be concealed... ...snach a child). The conclusion begins in a formulaic manner that detracts slightly from the piece (In conclusion,...) and lists the arguments again. However, the response end effectively with a strong call for action (Don’t let children go out after 8:00 p.m.; it could change someone’s life!). The response demonstrates cohesiveness both across and within paragraphs, giving a sense of completeness, and consistent sentence variety and engaging word choice give a strong sense of the person behind the words. The best-fit Content, Organization, and Style score for this piece of writing is a 4.

COS 4

early curfew # 1 · early curfew recently, your community officials have proposed that young people...

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