Download - The Write Stuff by Aznet Tenza

The Write Stuff

A small collection of writings and rants that occasionally rhyme

by

Aznet Tenza

Creative Commons Copyright 2014 Aznet Tenza

([email protected]) All rights reserved. This book or its contents may

be shared as long as author is credited. The content may not be edited.

Dedication:

To anyone suffering from any LABEL, especially to those with "mental disorders."

CCOONNTTEENNTTSS

22 CCEENNTTSS ................................................................................................................................................................................ 11

IF, WHEN, WHO? ........................................................................................................................... 2 FLOW, THE RIVER .......................................................................................................................... 4 MAKE IT SO .................................................................................................................................. 5 SOMEDAY .................................................................................................................................... 5 IN THIS WORLD .............................................................................................................................. 6 ACCURACY ................................................................................................................................... 6 CHAOS ....................................................................................................................................... 7 THE DIFFERENCE ............................................................................................................................ 7 ON TRACK ..................................................................................................................................... 8 GIFT ............................................................................................................................................ 9 JUST DO IT ............................................................................................................................... 10 MIND CONTROL .......................................................................................................................... 11 COMMON SENSE ......................................................................................................................... 11 ENGAGED SOLITUDE/BOO TO IDLENESS! ........................................................................................... 12 PEOPLE ARE WHAT YOU MAKE THEM TO BE ....................................................................................... 13

i

THIS ECONOMY ........................................................................................................................... 14 WORTH ..................................................................................................................................... 15 CURRENTLY ................................................................................................................................ 16 CHILDREN .................................................................................................................................. 17 ADULTHOOD ............................................................................................................................... 18 DAY BY DAY ............................................................................................................................... 19 YOU ARE .................................................................................................................................... 20 REACTIVE ................................................................................................................................ 21 IN YOUR HEAD ............................................................................................................................ 22 WHAT WILL YOU DO FOR CASH?...................................................................................................... 23 TERRIBLE THINGS ......................................................................................................................... 24 THE EVERYDAY ............................................................................................................................ 27 BOOKS ...................................................................................................................................... 28 SAILING SHIPS ............................................................................................................................. 29 COMBINATIONS UNLOCK HARMONY ................................................................................................ 31 HYPER ...................................................................................................................................... 32 AFTER A DRUNKEN DELUGE ........................................................................................................... 33 PAST ......................................................................................................................................... 34 BEGIN ....................................................................................................................................... 34 ASSHAT ..................................................................................................................................... 35 RANDOM ................................................................................................................................ 36

ii

TTHHEE HHEEAARRTT TTHHAATT BBEEAATTSS .......................................................................................................................... 3377

FALLING ..................................................................................................................................... 38 YOU .......................................................................................................................................... 38 A WARNING ................................................................................................................................ 38 LOVE ......................................................................................................................................... 39 PARTNERSHIP.............................................................................................................................. 40 LOVING OTHERS .......................................................................................................................... 41 WHEN LOVE IS A STATE OF MIND ..................................................................................................... 42 NO REGRETS, JUST A BIT OF MY HEART ............................................................................................. 43 AUTO-PILOT ............................................................................................................................... 44 RADIO...................................................................................................................................... 45

AA DDIIFFFFEERREENNTT BBRRAAIINN:: DDEEPPRREESSSSIIOONN .......................................................................................... 4466

INTERROGATION .......................................................................................................................... 48 THE END OF SELF .......................................................................................................................... 50 NO SUCH THING ........................................................................................................................... 51 WHERE AM I? .............................................................................................................................. 52 INCOMPLETE ............................................................................................................................... 53

iii

UNLUCKY ................................................................................................................................... 54 GLITCH IN THE MATRIX .................................................................................................................. 55 DEPRESSION ............................................................................................................................... 56 FROZEN ..................................................................................................................................... 58 JUST WRITE ............................................................................................................................... 59 HELP ON THE WAY ....................................................................................................................... 61 EYES WIDE SHUT ........................................................................................................................ 63 APOLOGY .................................................................................................................................. 63 MELANCHOLIA ............................................................................................................................ 64 RECOVERY ................................................................................................................................. 64 GIVE IT TO ME ............................................................................................................................ 65 JELLY FOOT ................................................................................................................................. 66 DOLDRUMS ................................................................................................................................ 67 LETTING GO/CHANGE................................................................................................................... 68 FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE .................................................................................................................... 69 THE FUTURE ROAD ...................................................................................................................... 70 I SHOULDN'T HAVE KIDS ................................................................................................................ 74 STUCK ....................................................................................................................................... 75 EVOLUTION OF THE SPECIES ........................................................................................................... 76 DO YOU FIT? ............................................................................................................................ 77 ROJAK ..................................................................................................................................... 78

iv

WHERE DO YOU GO?..................................................................................................................... 79 DISTRACTION .............................................................................................................................. 80 WRETCHED ................................................................................................................................. 80 DAMNDAMINIT MIRROR ............................................................................................................... 81 SAFETY ...................................................................................................................................... 83 FORCE CLOSE .............................................................................................................................. 84 TURBULENCE ............................................................................................................................... 84 THINGS TO DO ............................................................................................................................. 85 HURT YOU ............................................................................................................................... 86 A HOME ..................................................................................................................................... 87

FFRRIIEENNDDSS++FFAAMMIILLYY .............................................................................................................................................. 8888

LOVE SO MUCH ........................................................................................................................... 89 A POEM I WROTE FOR MY FRIENDS ON VALENTINE’S DAY 2012 ............................................................ 90 SPACE IN MY HEART ..................................................................................................................... 92 UNCONDITIONAL ......................................................................................................................... 92 LEST I FORGET ............................................................................................................................. 93 WHY DO WE LOVE? ...................................................................................................................... 94 NO BETTER CAT, THAN CUB ........................................................................................................... 95

v

FRIENDS GROW AWAY .................................................................................................................. 99 GIVE AND TAKE - FAMILY .......................................................................................................... 100 BROTHERS AND SISTERS ............................................................................................................. 100 AVENUE OF CLOSED DOORS ........................................................................................................ 101 CHILD’S PLAY ............................................................................................................................ 102 MAKE YOUR OWN FAMILY ........................................................................................................... 103 WE WORK TOGETHER ................................................................................................................. 104 ANGER MOMENTS .................................................................................................................... 105 DEAR FAMILY: .......................................................................................................................... 106 THAT'S IT. I'M DONE. ................................................................................................................. 107 CAN'T WE JUST... GET ALONG? ..................................................................................................... 108 AAARGHHHHH ...................................................................................................................... 109

RREELLIIGGIIOOSSIITTYY ((NNOO SSUUCCHH WWOORRDD -- II DDOONN''TT CCAARREE)) .............................................. 111100

BLEEDING TREE ......................................................................................................................... 111 NOTHING IS EVERYTHING ............................................................................................................ 111 UNCTION ................................................................................................................................. 111 BLESSINGS ............................................................................................................................... 112 9 LIVES .................................................................................................................................... 113

vi

SOULS REBORN .......................................................................................................................... 114 THE EMPEROR HAS NEW CLOTHES ................................................................................................ 114 CHARITY = CLARITY .................................................................................................................... 115 LIGHT A PENNY CANDLE ............................................................................................................... 116 I AM YOUR NEIGHBOUR ............................................................................................................... 117 PRAYER #1 ............................................................................................................................... 118 PRAYER #2 ............................................................................................................................... 120 CAN BROKEN PEOPLE BE MADE WHOLE AGAIN?................................................................................ 121

vii

22 CCEENNTTSS

1

2 Cents

IF, WHEN, WHO?

If you cannot laugh, you cannot live If you cannot cry, you cannot give If you crawl, you might not fall If you get up, you can stand tall When you don’t partake, you stand alone When you share, you inspire a home When you protect, whom are you helping? When you neglect, whom are you denying? Lay roads of hope, not just streams of desire Build monuments of love, higher and higher Expression is the golden art that lets your soul breathe Deal truthfully with others, wear your heart on your sleeve...

2

2 Cents

Who’s there to fear who

don’t also fear?

Who’s more afraid of you

drawing near?

When you look in the mirror,

what do you see?

Things to hide from,

or the person to be?

3

2 Cents

FLOW, THE RIVER A river flows all ways, except backwards Each river, one of a kind Marking the land with its journey Paving ways, sustaining life, leaving signs Its route may be rocky and treacherous or majestic and teaming with life. A rivulet, a stream, or a rapid, It reaches for eternity and survives A river may be breached and bridged It may be swum and crafted It may be split, it may swell over to cross it, a toll exacted It leaves all changed while all changes it Yet a pattern is clearly defined

Gravity, mass and acceleration and more formulae cycled through time Each meander has its bend and each bed, its bay Every memory is shelved, brought and left along the way Coming home to the sea And from the sea to the sky from the sky to the mountains the river never dies So why should we worry if we do not know our end? the river is the glory the journey is our friend

4

2 Cents

MAKE IT SO UNtouchable, UNloveable

versus

Touchable and Loveable

Only two letters and one other thing make the difference: U, N, me

SOMEDAY The other side of Someday

is basically, Today.

If you’re going to procrastinate,

How long are you willing to wait?

5

2 Cents

IN THIS WORLD What befalls others falls on you too

In a tapestry so wide it can’t be fathomed

One thread pulled disturbs the whole

Your separateness is only what you imagine

ACCURACY You cannot miss what you never had

You cannot lose what you never got

what you feel is purest envy

you just want, and want, a lot

6

2 Cents

CHAOS

Have you ever tried strong-arming fate? forcing the picture in your mind to come to be, then it’s too late See, nothing really ever goes according to plan whatever beliefs float your boat you will land where you land

THE DIFFERENCE

Giving up and giving in one is love and one is sin

Reversible depending on intent examine solidly the events

7

2 Cents

ON TRACK I do not fly,

I walk.

and I’ll get to my destination,

even if I rest.

8

2 Cents

GIFT A present is not a transaction

that must be returned in kind

Somebody remembered who you are

somebody thought of your mind,

or your heart, or your needs,

or your wants, or your deeds.

The grace is in the giving

but it is also in the receiving.

9

2 Cents

JUST DO IT You carry on because you carry on

You break into song because you break into song

Don’t worry how you’re going to get on

with an empty wallet or without clothes to keep you warm

You’re at a crossroads, a rest stop along the way

anything can happen, and you’ll be okay.

10

2 Cents

MIND CONTROL

What fun, lucid dreaming! or rather, lucid scheming But don’t forget that your sub-conscious is sub-conscious for a reason clarity comes in its own time and its own season

COMMON SENSE

You have a voice that deserves to be used Why not seek a hand if you are confused?

Receiving help will not make you less It will make you better

it may make you the best 11

2 Cents

ENGAGED SOLITUDE/BOO TO IDLENESS!

Occupy your ears, your eyes, and your hands

Or legs, occupy all your faculties

Be present, master your senses,

Your body, mind and soul,

Disarm distraction

and simply be

12

2 Cents

PEOPLE ARE WHAT YOU MAKE THEM TO BE

Stories help me believe in our world. Those storytellers whose imaginations unfurl.. if they can imagine characters with big hearts painful sorrows, desperate fears, daring art then I can have hope in the people around me that all of us have the capacity to be as boundless as the ocean as various as the flowers in a garden as strong as a soldier wielding a mighty sword as humble as the tiniest creature and most gently adored

13

2 Cents

THIS ECONOMY

Vocations, callings, a means to an end to feel useful, to feel like a man People work jobs to see their family through They travel far away, they try to make do I guess life is like that for mostly everyone I don’t believe in idleness, it is money that I shun The cost of living has gotten so high it’s like you’re paying for the sky Everything goes up, up, up Rent, salary, the price of your coffee cup you must be more to earn enough you must be thick, you must be tough but there are limits to the punishment you take if you keep at it, you might just break

14

2 Cents

WORTH

Do you count someone by the favours they carry out? Do you measure someone by the money in their pouch Do you look at entertainment value and skill? Do you like them because they are paying the bill? Everyone is supposedly equal under the law Prejudices and segregation are still not withdrawn If I tell you that everyone deserves exactly the same would you think me naive, would you think me insane? Is it their sex, their orientation? Is it their skin, their education?

How do you define how much a person is worth? The correct answer is that YOU DON'T. We are brothers and sisters who share this earth.

15

2 Cents

CURRENTLY I wish the currency of the world would be presence, experience, amicability, courage, empathy, happiness, openness, personal responsibility, engagement

a listening ear, nearness, disabling weapons, kindness, impartialness, nobility, surrender, holiness, inspiration, potential,

rather than Dollar$ ± ¢ent

16

2 Cents

CHILDREN They are buds of personality Waiting to explode Potential of unimaginable proportions Just waiting for that moment When they pass into adulthood When they first care/love/or are concerned Or alternately, hate/conceive of revenge/ disengage For and from someone or a cause that effects them so deeply That they begin to take responsibility for their actions Once they change a life in any way Once they shape and share the world Individual identities, forged, hopefully in the warmth of love, And not the fires of abuse. But before all that, they are mewling babes, Lost in the woods, demanding, expecting, Reacting, retaliating, like nasty, rude, little adults Parents these days use bribes.. But we love our darling parasites ;p Respect your parents, they do more for you than you will ever, ever, know. And they will love you, even as you go astray, and open their hands to you when you return.

17

2 Cents

ADULTHOOD Corroded metal can no longer

hold out

Youth can no longer

preserve

Problems arise and grow like

mountains

You need tools, experience and

a whole lot of nerve

18

2 Cents

DAY BY DAY

Our bodies, they get older and weaker

Our minds, feebler and feebler

But the things that will never go away

Are your spirit, your memories, of

loves, laughter, and play

19

2 Cents

YOU ARE You are not who you love

And you are definitely not who loves you

You are not a piece on some deity's chessboard,

You are part of all Creation

You have your Own Destiny and Free Will,

Matter, Power, Consequence, Essence and Legacy

20

2 Cents

REACTIVE It's usually the one who is hurting who hurts others

And the ones who are loved who love others

It’s hard to bear those facts in mind

when we are face to face

I remind myself to open my heart, see through it all

be kind, be gentle, help if I can.

for you and I are the same,

we are the same.

21

2 Cents

IN YOUR HEAD Flights of fancy

can be had anytime

And you grow so much wiser

with each dream, you climb

Have adventures under the sun

fantasize the love of your life

when in real life, you encounter similar times

you will already have all your answers inside

22

2 Cents

WHAT WILL YOU DO FOR CASH? In my head: earning money = doing something distasteful, not at all: doing something useful and graceful. in my head: earning money = prostituting yourself, selling yourself, evil is wealth. I definitely have a perspective issue dealing with this wheel of fortune, this world that turns with money, while I remain, still, in my cocoon. Insurance spells fakery and tragedy. Advertising people have no integrity, they lie, and lawyers and lawmakers,

they fight for the winners, not the losers. Asylums and circus freaks used to be attractions, back in history. Now the zoos and aquariums, carry on that barbarity. You have a day job to support your passion. Your art, music, words, don’t get exposure, without some sort of give and take, be a poser, for your poster. And then you go to a gallery and see a painting a child could have done, going for a million bucks, oh the cray-cray just goes on

23

2 Cents

TERRIBLE THINGS Switch on the TV and sit with mouth agape Terrible things humans have done from which we cannot escape The horrors of crime Throughout the ages of time News reports of brutality and killings Of war and missiles and innocents dead due to bombings Chemical warfare, children gasping their last breaths, Boy soldiers play with their rifles and bayonets

Rape and ritual killings, assassinations, beheadings, Bullets pounding on the street, bloody hands proudly claim responsibility From beautiful and grandiose, to ashes and dust, our cities, We have learnt nothing from our bloody power-corrupt history Politicians amass their own private armies People taken by guerrillas' as prisoners of war

24

2 Cents Can anyone remember what their war is for? All religions preach peace, but to no avail, Slavery still exists, human flesh for sale, Extreme poverty causing deaths every day The common man's inability to help and pay The rich man's excuse because his gaze falls above them Though a person doing any small thing, for any one person Makes a difference, just with charity and compassion, One more meal for the poor man's ration So I ask the world to pray, whatever belief system you hold, That we heal our human condition, and stop being cold. We're also on a planet which is undergoing great changes Because of us and our industry practices, At the rate our humanity keeps going unchecked, I'm afraid we will have so many regrets While sucking up the earth dry,

25

2 Cents and poisoning the sky, And letting our children die, For a slice of the luxury pie How do we combat this, this whole mountain of rot? First we must think, and then we must be taught, Kindness, sharing, forgiveness, and caring. We must melt down our axes, guns, and tanks, We must shut down all our banks. Let us be one nation on one world, At peace with man and nature, a truth, a reality, not a fable.

26

2 Cents

THE EVERYDAY I like physical labour I like out of the box behaviour I'm not looking for status or rank As long as some money goes into my bank Corporations sell you out The evidence is all about But if you work, above all, with love in your heart you cannot lose, even if the work is hard Everybody must not be idle That you keep going, is a necessary cycle

Experience is never, ever, wasted Life carries on, on winding paths, unabated Whatever you do, do it for yourself, do it for others, just don't do it for wealth The gist of it is, a job is a job, is a job be thankful that you're on the clock We only need enough to survive unless we're working on projects to save lives That's the only time money is important That's when our fire, our passion, must not lay dormant.

27

2 Cents

BOOKS

There's nothing like a complete journey into a good book Your mind is there, wrapped around this new world You breathe with the characters, your faith in them, you put And when you put down the book, you grieve, yet rejoice, for this fable Exists. Its author manifested a miracle, a joining, a sharing, With the artistry of words, and a ripping good yarn This is one of the great human arts, that of story-telling, With whatever medium you are given, your audience, you charm and disarm And for that I salute every artist, musician, and everyone who ever lived For they enriched the energy and experience of this plane By their lives and all they accomplished, They gifted us with a never-dying flame.

28

2 Cents

SAILING SHIPS

image: Vladimir Kush "Departure of the Winged Ship" (circa 2000, oil on

canvas, 39 x 31 inches)

Get on board, they're heaving to.

Don't be left behind without a clue

The ships are sailing, one by one,

Out of the harbour, towards the setting sun.

Did you think they would be safe and

aground forever?

No, just to heal and fix and refuel, and get

better.

But the destiny of ships is to sail, into deep

waters

To strange places, new faces, new quarters

29

2 Cents When you're a teen, you're in the most danger Of being affected by love, sex, and silly, fun behaviour Your mind automatically discards responsibility and consequence Yet this is the time where you are given all your chances Wake up your mind! Wake it up now! How do we know? WE lost opportunities somehow The windows don't reopen, no matter your luck You are not entitled, you will see, and that's gonna be tough Life treats everyone differently From privileged to illness, to poverty, So when the good comes, acknowledge it with thanks, Receive it with an open heart, the miracles of family and friends

Make relationships work, treat people with respect, Coz these ships can also set sail after much neglect You set your own course, your own destiny, Point not at others for your tragedies Do not be sad if you appear to fail God's just got another boat for you to sail Trust in Him, and have faith, You are his worthy instrument, you march to his pace. There is love all around you if you have eyes to see Support to bring forth the best you, you can be And when God speaks, listen with the EAR in your heart It is between the "H" and the "T," which stand for humility and truth in the dark.

30

2 Cents

COMBINATIONS UNLOCK HARMONY I don't know how to speak for the victimised, the ignored, the bullied, the sullied, but I do believe that the meek and the hurt shall inherit the earth I have to believe that or my faith will wobble worries strike my breast; my cross, at its worse if there is no love without sacrifice, and sacrifice without love is meaningless, which you and I know and feel to be true then "love hurts" by Nazareth should be on every wedding playlist but it's true. it's all true. Give, until it hurts. work, until your hands bleed. Pray, until tears stream down your face. for love. for love. for love. for love. for grace. for grace. for grace. for grace

31

2 Cents

HYPER

i’M sO tIRED bUT i’M uP iN tHE aIR

mY hANDS aRE uP aND I jUST dON’T

cARE

aNYWAY, I cAN cRASH lATER

sO, sEE yA, aLLIGATOR

32

2 Cents

AFTER A DRUNKEN DELUGE

I know I’m really hung-over

when I can only stand in the shower

and drink/gulp/absorb the water flowing

like some sort of dessert flower

33

2 Cents

PAST My past was necessary, In all ways quite messy,

But glorious nevertheless, And I feel truly blessed

BEGIN

I get impatient, but there’s no need to rush I’ve got a blank canvas and I’ve just picked up my brush

34

2 Cents

ASSHAT Dear Silly Human

who has agonized my day

Please do eat my shorts

and dust my cake

I call you my chair victim

coz I'd like to throw a chair at you

but I'm not gonna let my blood boil

you are just too much toil

35

2 Cents

RANDOM Sometimes things happen

which are not significant to the plot

but then you can’t see the big picture

you can’t say for sure that they’re not

a small deal, or something big

just go with it, let it be

let things unravel

deal with it calmly

36

TTHHEE HHEEAARRTT TTHHAATT BBEEAATTSS

37

The Heart That Beats

FALLING

I fell and hit my head But my heart leapt forward to you instead

YOU

I can walk in a barren place But I’d rather not be alone then again, if I wasn’t alone, The place would never be barren

A WARNING

the landscape of my heart is a minefield be wary, stranger, where you tread I've been maimed and lost pieces of me where they lay about in numb regret 38


LOVE All I ever wanted

was someone to lead me right

into the heart of things

and see me through the nights

Help me poke at the shadows

make them retreat

make laughter a beacon

and be partners for keeps

39


PARTNERSHIP Take my hand and I’ll show you the sea

Hold my hand and teach me to be

all that I ever was and all that I’ll be

the love that will cherish you and be

your key

to everything that could fill you with glee

whatever you need, or want, please, allow me

40


LOVING OTHERS happiness is not just being loved

it is also in loving,

be it your friend, your cousin, any beloved,

being happy when they are, is so rewarding.

there are many different types of love:

for a friend, for a brother, for a lover, for a mother

we shouldn’t ever feel ashamed of

this natural affection which makes your horizons broader

41


WHEN LOVE IS A STATE OF MIND and not a state of heart Loving a daydream is worse than loving a memory make the distinction between longing and reality at some point, you must grow up and let go, dwelling, dreaming, (stalking), it’s not right, and you know it is not a very kind thing to do, and not a sign of love put them in a corner, on a pedestal, in the spotlight, or all of the above go with the flow, the Beatles got it right: let it be, just let it be, and I promise you, you will feel free

42


NO REGRETS, JUST A BIT OF MY HEART I loved you,

I really did.

I hope you remember,

that it was not all bad.

If it would change anything,

or make any difference,

I cried the hardest for you.

43


AUTO-PILOT I wanna write something but I dunno what to say if I'm true to myself, I'm feeling a little dismayed coz my heart keeps yearning for impossible things I wanna feel butterflies, I want that zing! but it won't happen, it can't I keep on with this silly rant be happy with what I have, can't I just, please? wishing and wishing is just a disease how about dreaming? isn't it important? a part of life? stopping me from being dormant? I don't want to dream about ambition or money I want to dream about a good love and get all mushy no matter how old I am, no matter how messed up I won't give up being this romantic nut

even if I only find love in my dreams the feelings are felt, the tears do stream in real life, though, will I ever get another chance? for the real haul, for life, not just a cheap romance maybe I'm just so conditioned by society being single is just painfully ordinary why can't I feel special on my own? what shall be written on my tombstone? that I led a life so topsy-turvy, so hectic, but that I loved, so it was all worth it.

44


RADIO

you only hear the love songs when your heart starts to break you absorb the melody and get the poetry when your heart continues to ache Pop songs will stick in your head Violin music will make you cry Don’t even try country music Soft rock love songs will make you wanna die

you’ll turn into the greatest fan You’ll play music on repeat you’ll feel all you have to feel until you finally feel complete meanwhile you’ll have crushes on musicians, singers, and DJs, The ones who “saved” your life and returned you to OK

45

A Different Brain: Depression

AA DDIIFFFFEERREENNTT BBRRAAIINN:: DDEEPPRREESSSSIIOONN

46

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Major_depressive_disorder�


Image: Vincent van Gogh (1853–1890)

Title: Sorrowing old man ("At Eternity's Gate")

Saint-Rémy, May 1890, oil on canvas, 81 × 65 cm

47

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Major_depressive_disorder�


INTERROGATION I asked myself if I was happy

The answer was a sad no I asked if this was temporary

I’m afraid it won’t be so I forced myself to form a smile

But my eyes reflected pain I’ll get caught within these lies

It’ll create more disdain I’ve tried the daily happy pills They only caused more grief

Masking up all my pain ‘til Was swollen with no relief

I have to carry on day by day Although I don’t see the point

Catholic and born this way Shame and fear, anoint

Can I blame my upbringing Or is this typically me?

Yet I’ve had good times so uplifting, I almost couldn’t breathe!

48


But came the heartaches, The true broken hearts

The sobs that your soul makes When you’re torn apart My heart is as mended

As mended can be But my soul, it feels ravaged,

There’s no home for me “A loser, you bore us!”

with these repeats, and refrains, sings the choir in my mind,

disdaining my pain I own a weary, tiny voice I guess that’s what it’s for

Making this tiny, needed choice Exploring my core

Fighting against my inclinations to put myself down

Seeking in every corner for inspiration to turn my life around

49


THE END OF SELF Bitter tears swim angry fears and hopes and dreams are empty things, love is felt, and smelt and dealt but isn’t, isn’t. nowhere near that flash of all-knowing, you only glimpse on waking. And this is the ache. this heavy stone, in my chest that won’t go away, that leaks tears when I breathe and wracks and spasms my whole self. Here I am in a blinding storm, A storm that will not pass. A storm of madness, a storm of sadness There is no mercy on the shore, no solace nor shelter nor hope of a horizon,

The waves are too high. There is no direction, nor a whisper of hope, Caution is imaginary, being rescued, a joke. Poof! You have disappeared. You’re officially in tatters. All has been lost, nothing really matters

50


NO SUCH THING when you don’t have a lie to hold on to when the truth just destroys you it’s like facing the sun with nothing between nothing to screen you burn, wilt and crumble there’s no such thing as survival a walking empty shell am I fragile, with dried up tears I tread softly and cracks appear

a butterfly’s wings in China sends me sprawling to the floor there’s no such thing as me anymore

51


WHERE AM I?

nervous like a cat static like that

feed ants under the bed with plastic candy wrappers journeying into book and movie rhapsody

sweet loves, so heady wisps of imagination leave too soon, once awake wake with fever for spades and clover furious dreams to pin and spin cut lines of destiny wistfully, this travesty is my glorious sin blood should pay for I cannot cry, not today

52


INCOMPLETE Like a bell without a clapper

I sometimes feel incomplete

directionless or defunct

and just slightly offbeat

53


UNLUCKY

People who fall through the cracks want to get to a different world a home where they are safe and loved their proper selves unfurled the way is always blocked for those who go gently it is also tightly locked for those who go violently it is even more impossible for those who still love life they are pulled in both directions they live and carry on in strife

54


GLITCH IN THE MATRIX I wish I were a wind-up girl when things don’t work, you give the key a twirl add some oil where joints do creak place me upright, on my feet watch me be at my best watch me go, full of zest nobody sees I've been badly designed there is no way, no way to wind I'm covered all over with sediment and sand

rust and gunk devour me, I can’t withstand I might as well be turned to stone you can’t throw this dog, this dog a bone my dilemma is such, I know I'm alive, I know I must fight, fight to survive, but my will is gone, my pulse is lame my mind is filled with the agony of shame the blue pill, the red pill, I must decide to be hell-bent on reality or push pain aside

55


DEPRESSION I feel horrible The downs are returning I can sense myself no longer progressing Like my face has been stretched and pushed And pinned down into a mask, I am no longer myself. Breathing hurts. A stone in my throat chokes me. A boulder in my chest weighs me down And my mind is not grounded, is not anything, Is not switched on. My sensitivity has decreased. If I saw a horror now, I'd walk past or over it. Not cold-blooded, just there's no emphasis regarding anything If you go, you go. If you stay, you stay. If you live, you live. If you die, you die. But no one will welcome you in heaven. Coz your spirit has no consequence or indeed,

any substance. All that junk probably stayed with the corpse. I really do blame biology. I was given crossed wires I am lost. There's a why but no how. And nobody is picking up the phone. which is playing classical music. I'm walking past the garbage pile Damn, I really want to go in and rummage and scrimmage. But I have too much "trash" right now. They will be transformed at some point. It's my "artist bohemian scrap craft bullcrap nonsense". But maybe I could sell something I make. Although my work is not of the highest

56

A Different Brain: Depression calibre. Yes really, that's what I DETEST about myself My mediocrity, no matter what stability of mind,

no matter the passion, the effort, the time put in, the interest, the wanting, the longing. I suck. I need a miracle every fucking day.

I have so much to be grateful for.

It irks me yet I shirk my duties and they scold me

I shrink under the gaze of the almighty

Every time I fail, He still finds me.

Maybe being human doesn't mean much That we're on top of the food chain

Because I am just a baby As all animals are babies

My unclear eyes, watch the mobile above me Just like nature supposed to pacify me

And it does. And then all I need are loving Arms around me. And everything will be OK.

57


FROZEN

like a dog that’s been kicked

too many times

everything I do

feels like a crime

I wish I could dominate

my personality

with the free spirit

I know is within me

instead of pushing her down

shutting her out

hurting her feelings

making her doubt

it is the inert mind

that takes me over

freezes me stiff

stuns me sober58


JUST WRITE Stupid, petty, little lines, simple, common, words that rhyme I cannot stop speaking this way it is my only way to say what is in my heart tearing me apart what is in my soul a great big hole I am under medication given to me under strict regulation enough for three days at a time because when I'm low, my mood won’t climb it gets worse and worse just like a curse until I don’t care how at all I fare I will consume any pill

at whatever quantity fulfils my only desire which is to end because I don’t believe that I can mend I've never gotten my hands on enough to cause an emergency bluff I just lose myself for a while a trip I consider most worthwhile this is the sign that my family must notice that something with me is highly amiss I go willingly to the doctor’s clinic I want to be well, since I am sick something deep inside, wants me to carry on wants me to not give up, wants me drawn to some purpose, some post, not yet revealed something only I can yield these times while I'm adjusting to the meds blood, sweat, and tears, are shed

59

A Different Brain: Depression shame over me losing control fear over not being whole the worst is hiding from your friends I don’t know what to say to them if I ask for help, what can they do? if they feel the trauma, they’ll too, be blue I think the worst illness is the illness of the mind the loss of control, words, memories in kind I stutter, I repeat myself, I speak way too loud I smile, even though above my head is a cloud my mind, it’s sick, yet it has to see all the changes in moods within me I'm over tasked, don’t you know? clinical depression is not just for show with tips, tricks, and regularity

I'll be able to live with some clarity but I fear always, that I will lose everyone I love drive them away, scared to take advantage of their generosity, their kindness, their empathy I don’t believe much now in love unconditionally do I cut the bonds now, or do I cut them later? do I just go with the flow and carry on with prayer? the friends who strive to keep in touch the friends who explain it is just too much these are things you must accept open your heart, have no regrets to the ones who can help you, yield. don’t resent friends who put up shields

60


HELP ON THE WAY when you go from darkness to the light resistance is unnecessary, no need to fight the light, the light, it’s kindness and love I've learnt to give thanks to the lord above

what does this take away from me? absolutely nothing. belief is just the better story what it will help with, is riding out the pain pain that has to go somewhere, coz I can’t contain at the end of the day, I'll just go to sleep in the morning when I wake, I’ll get up to reap the remains of the day, the joys and the laughter

all the essence of life that I flounder after here now, documenting it for no better reason than I have no job during this season projects and lists are good to prepare

makes you feel alive, make you dare to put your stamp on something you made to channel your energy into a thing conveyed be it a poem, a melody, a painting, or a collection

of dreams facebook photo albums with inspiring themes this is my world, the internet world you can hide behind a screen, bespectacled, frazzled. here is where I abide and lie like a fiend nobody knows me, only what I allow to be seen catching up with friends, one to one,

most of them get shocked, that I called none I could not share this pain, I realised, I believe I deserved it, I've been penalised for the biggest sin I ever did commit

61

A Different Brain: Depression was give up on my marriage, and getting over it I know, I was too young, we were immature but I made a vow I should have kept, I'm sure I feel like a leech, to be hated and spurned

and every time I love again, I always get burned I'm done with all that, I am my main concern that I be able to help my family

with all I can earn ok, that’s enough for tonight I feel I can sleep now, cuddle up tight because for the past few days, words have not

passed my tongue I must remember to express my thoughts every day, and not leave them unsung.

nobody to talk to

and it's all my fault

I don't make the effort

from the inside, build my

vault

62


EYES WIDE SHUT never-ending awareness of a missing picture

might just kill

haunted by ghosts so real

I close my eyes to not believe it

APOLOGY

I am nothing but a plea

for forgiveness

and the penance is the pain

of true knowledge

63


MELANCHOLIA People like me live for salty tears

it’s like our vitamin C

I bottle up my emotions

I don’t cry enough, you see

RECOVERY

Somehow during my dark days I deemed it impossible for me to be liked

It was a truly ugly phase Full of self-repression and lack of light

Let's keep this short, it's still painful to recall How much I hated myself, my life, my all.

64


GIVE IT TO ME I'm so tired of being sick I just want to be done with it I don't want pills, all my life I always carry a pocket knife just in case, I can't take it no more just in case, I need to open the door to another place, wherever it may be just to get some new air, so I can breathe but of course, that ain't never gonna happen I'm all Catholic, with my sins forgiven yet, when I try and find my strength sometimes my closest, my family, hold me at arm's length if I can't go through them, how can I commit to life?

how do I make it through these modern times and survive? everyone is so fast, so smart, so instant, so intense I have to fake my way in to get over the fence and man, do I not want to be here! I want to be a grand old hermit who disappears to sustain myself through nature's ways no longer judged, every day, I pray I pray to get out, to belong, and to take flight all contradictory wishes, just like myself, lost, found, inspired, jobless, wrong, left, right, I'm in pain, pain made by my grey cells how do you train a mind to get off meds? how do you do this and carry on daily? a task like bringing life to the dead I need prayer, guidance, hope, and sanctuary.

65


JELLY FOOT

I’ve got the jelly foot feeling My senses are reeling Hand over head over the wire I know I’ve got to get higher The bottom is no place to be The climb is all I can see With the challenges coming my way I know I’ve got to face the day With dreams and plans wrought And new goals sought May I land in peace May I do well, please

66


DOLDRUMS

Here I am mired in the muck crawling is no use, I am so stuck

This is worse than the Slough of Despond Looks like I’ll be here all the night till dawn.

67


LETTING GO/CHANGE too easily terrified too easily agonised everything too personalised I need to step away I get excited I get so delighted so many things highlighted I need to step away I'm aiming for a slow heart-rate no anger, everything, a piece of cake stabilize my mood, for my own sake I need to step away

stepping away means being alone to just feel

stepping away means typing out words that

are real

stepping away from an old lifestyle, like a dog,

told to heel

stepping away, in prayer, I can only kneel

I have to embrace this different life

I cannot go back to what caused me strife

I can still learn, still live, still have friends arise

I can be happy, I think, I might even thrive

68


FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE

I am water, I am tears, I am fire, I am fears Just let life course through my veins Let the sun shine through All the rains May love find me In all that I do May hope pull on me Pull me through While memories May cast me down While my face muscles Pull down a frown Let there be moments

That uplift my heart Let there be people Who help heal the scars Personal strength Tested and tried Blood on my hands Shimmering dried A star bursting At its core The mind scrambling Wanting more At the end May there be relief On the way Let me believe

69


THE FUTURE ROAD

is where new stories unfold But to get to that place, there are things I must face Like how I’ve been lazy And labelled as crazy Oh, I have been quite a raving mess repressing myself, and being depressed On one side, I am taking hold, Finding ways inside me, to produce gold But the other side, that’s the “nasty” which always seeks to deter me I may be so genetically wired

with chemicals or lack of, that make me so tired It’s simple mind over matter, many people say They do not understand that my broken mind holds sway It’s more than emotion so it takes more than a potion to cure what seems incurable but that is not excusable My whole head, I will reconfigure Positive ways of thinking, I have to consider Challenge each dribble of thought with censure

70


Is it real, is it honest, is this my true pleasure? Is it a habit, cruelly wrought? To keep me chained up, to keep me caught? I am my own thought police, and it makes me sad It’s time I realized that it’s been this bad The direction of my life needs to be changed Non-Joy is Status Unacceptable and I am not to be blamed

For what I could not see before, what I could not help I was lost, I was not found, I was destroyed, I was in Hell Helping hands do find you, if you call out from the depth But I kept falling downwards, I kept losing my breath The time to change is now, now and forever Untangle the barbs, the ragged memories and sever all the things in my life that were not for the good...

71


These are the things that I have

understood:

I must train myself in every possible way

To name all my blessings and be grateful each day

To start all my journeys with a smile

To showcase the spirit that’s been mine, all this while

I have to dig deep, I have to start

to call on the bounty of my heart

72


73


I SHOULDN'T HAVE KIDS

It's probably a good thing that I am not a parent I, myself, am a knotted string Entranced like a child and caustically mordant But there is a sadness that persists About not having a family of my own But this family would be greatly impoverished If I were the mother, the wife; in reality, a crone, I have too many tendencies to mentally shut down And I would rather live alone, Than not be around, And unable to atone 74


STUCK

I am at some limbo,

yet am dancing akimbo

if you’re gonna be stressed

might as well be dressed

for a party, to go crazy

to let loose, to get hazy

tomorrow you can start again

wake up, be normal, believe that you can

75


EVOLUTION OF THE SPECIES

For humans to evolve, we eliminate our faults, keep the brightest of us going the rest of us, default Evolution will one day take me out of its equation Because of my “issues” they’ll have a celebration I won’t leave any genes behind I won’t trip up my kids with these things in my mind yet having existed, I have contributed, dead or whatever, my life won't be wasted. 76


DO YOU FIT?

I wanna be seen as "beautiful" in this shape

but have you ever seen that child’s toy

where you have to put the square cube into the square hole?

and the cylinder into the circular hole?

and the triangular piece into the triangular hole?

I don’t fit. anywhere. I don’t fit.

77


ROJAK I am Rage, I feel no remorse, nor intent just exhilaration as I throw that object or hit that soft body and smash something to bits I just want damage, there’s a void within that I will not see, or my being will be sucked dry, because the tears start to fall. I am Anxious, in all ways. I aim to please, to do, to be. I’m the dullest sort of dull and I don’t ever get it. I don’t ever get it and I’m the dullest sort of dull. I make myself into an actor in a play in my mind. Tiring myself out although nobody cares if I shine. I am Play and Delight

I like to twirl. and bop. and sway. Experience a true immersion of the senses. Absorbing inspiration through my pores from the very air around me and everyone, everything I watch and see. It blows my mind and my heart goes on overdrive. I am Resistant. I’d divorce my life to sleep and hide away so I could face my failures alone. If I close my eyes, I make believe that the people I don’t see, don’t see me either. I am Creation when I am not lazy. I am Love, almost.

78


WHERE DO YOU GO?

Some people choose to lose themselves On unfamiliar streets. A breather, a distancing, Away from problems and cares It is there in a foreign place, That they find the peace they seek, The answers they need, the key to their own locked selves. But I tend to escape in my own head Traversing the folds in my brain, containing adventures remembered and read Memories of joy, loved ones, and pain. I'll stay here, where it’s relatively sheltered Outside and new things make me scared and many times I'm not brave enough.

79


DISTRACTION

The truth is I’m trying to forget the bad ways I ever used to feel but the only way out of the net is to push on down and get real.

WRETCHED

Oh my, what a day, what a day! I feel like the Wretched Wretch of the East

nothing much went at all my way I feel like an accordion, all folded up and creased

80


DAMNDAMINIT MIRROR I used to be pretty, now I'm just fat youth is beyond me, I need skin care, it's a fact I see lines on my face, I see saggy skin I see discolouration, I see pores, not porcelain, not like what it was, when people would exclaim, "I wish I had your complexion, so smooth, so clean," and I had a smaller body, although I was never lean of course I took it all for granted, we always do advice triggers defense, we do the opposite of what we're told to I used to wear contact lenses when I was only ten I had my hair permed and took part in pageants my mother had my ears pierced when I was just a babe she dressed me in dresses, and make up, a little doll made my dad would scold if I did not sit like a proper little girl with every new matching outfit I'd give a little twirl

I think it was a little too much for me to take because I was an introvert, for heaven's sake! I loved to read, I'd be so absorbed my characters were my friends, the ones I adored also my cat, my little Putik the grumpiest sweetheart that ever did make it she was born premature, we had the rest of the litter aborted a monstrous act that on judgement day, I will surely be corrected I may have paid for that already, since I became a crazy cat lady my roommate's email was 7stupidcats[at]hotmail.com, so definitely shady but it all worked out, as usual, in mysterious ways I got divorced, lost the cats, kept a few, had glory days the ones I kept, love, and cherish, I'm losing slowly the fact is they will be gone by the time I'm forty but I've got no man, I'll be like my aunties of old, spinsters, all sisters, never a suitor, I was told oh fuck, I don't wanna really think about this my biggest fear is I'm just not good enough to kiss

81

A Different Brain: Depression for anyone to love me, for me to love myself this is the real truth that's keeping me on the shelf when I look in the mirror, what I see is a mess no matter what I do, exercise, wear makeup, put on a dress I won't be good enough to be someone's partner until I'm able to love me and be my own master what's holding me back? it's years of shame years of pain, of relationships gone lame friendships, friends, friends with benefits, my heart can't tell the difference, won't partition it, my heart breaks apart over friendships that fail I feel rejected when I don't get a return email! I know I'm too sensitive, and now I believe in karma, as I was too mean before when someone liked me anyway, whatever, the night's drawn to a close I'm a clown, I'll be alright, I've got meds, I'm one of Those the loon, the patient, the mentally deficient disorders, health issues, no job, still reticent but screw-ups are people too, just you wait and see if Van Gogh could do it, I too can leave a legacy

though of course he committed suicide that's not something I'll ever Really try because flawed vessel that I am I belong to God and to man I will be His instrument and his tool I will be his soldier, his peacemaker, his school life is worth it, and I'm luckier than most so raise up your glass and yam seng a toast for the mystery of life, the mystery of faith the sanctity of Mother Mary, full of grace, for the connection to every human being even though this thread is felt, not seen for the beloved pets who light our way who please us and love us until we're ok for parents who love, indefinitely who will do anything for their family for siblings who come to save the day to show that they love me in their own way for a world so beautiful, you can only weep for nature so sweet and artful, you cannot speak "miraculous" is the only word or phrase that serves "awesome" implies beauty but there is divinity in this universe

82


SAFETY

Do you know what it’s like to have someone draw near Once you’ve lost your sense of worth? Lost all purpose, hope and fear When your very existence is cursed? A helping hand is a true lifeline More than a compass in a storm More than even, something divine It’s having your soul reformed

83


FORCE CLOSE

When it rains, it pours, the cloud doesn’t give a damn Your skills, your talents, are stuck in a jam in a small space, within a short time you malfunction, so just shut down

TURBULENCE

It’s sad when people abhor the weak Instead of lending strength It’s bad when they turn away their cheek On such an artless wavelength They must think you’re here to steal the show Or that your plight might tar They might think you deserve your sorrow Never mind all your scars 84


THINGS TO DO I hope I can come up with a road map of interior steering To deal with my sorrows, and choose happiness as my being I'll still consistently do my part and my art While I slowly work on my mind and heart I no longer read much or escape into fantasy I just breathe and be still, instead of following TV I think that change is on the way And not just because that's what the horoscopes say There's as much horror as joy in this world

And I feel that I am being called to serve To be fuel for the needy, and to call out the greedy. So many people need caring and love, I am one more tool, as devised by above, I want to give back, I can't count all the grace I've been given, Forgiveness received, wounds healed, and faith returned. As I breathe in, I say, I am yours, As I breathe out, I say again, I am yours. And I say, I surrender, yet I am still strong, And I will work, and WORK, and continue on.

85


HURT YOU

the poor fools who do not rue who find fault, who devalue with eyes tightly shut one day may stand and pivot wiping crumbs from their sight facing dawning truth with fright seeing the mishaps that were caused and people’s energies they had paused their hearts will ache severely as they make their urgent pleas for forgiveness and understanding

Just be quiet and undemanding there are those, forever lost and blind unable to reciprocate, unable to be kind losing the plot of human intention gift-giving, openness, and simple compassion these souls are not yours to mind wish them well, but leave them behind

86


A HOME I don’t understand, I don’t know my future plan 99-year lease, can I have this grant please? Flats above evaluation, meeting agents, conversation viewing here, next appointment there after a while I really don’t care These places will never be my home no matter wherever it is I roam my home is not brick and concrete it is where my heart will feel complete The logistics can and will be done stamp duty paid and everything summed the root of my reluctance is I'm afraid of living alone since I feel my chance for love and family has been blown

87

FFRRIIEENNDDSS++FFAAMMIILLYY

88

Friends & Family

LOVE SO MUCH There is someone that I LOVE SO MUCH. It almost doesn't matter that our lives seldom touch I'm just thankful that 8 years of silence has been mended weeds, now flowers, lovingly tended I was so afraid that I'd never be forgiven. I was so ashamed, that I actually STAYED hidden. Now, I don't care that I'm imperfect, I don't care what future for me, the Lord selects. A hug was all I needed. what I had wished for, for which I had pleaded. The final, FINAL wound, has finally stopped bleeding, I can't ask for more, nothing tops this feeling.

because I love this guy so naturally, unconditionally, without thought, without words; just, me. whatever past bombarded us apart my heart beats once more, and he was a spark. I have done my best with my life through dips and highs, through love and strife. but what matters most has been restored, people are treasures, harmonies in accord. I am overjoyed, I feel so blessed, to have this friendship again, to hold gently and caress, I will not run away, I lay what I have on the table I will give everything, as long as I'm able.

89

Friends & Family

A POEM I WROTE FOR MY FRIENDS ON VALENTINE’S DAY 2012 freedom comes rarely, but it must be sought when your self you can be, all your troubles are naught surround yourself with people who cherish you and your thought there’s no fear to be feeble, no respect to be bought you can spell out your dreams it really is as it seems to be taken at face value no lies thrown at you you will face tomorrow with considerably less sorrow the cracks that seemed so wide are no longer that great a divide all the space that seemed so empty is now filled with abundance and plenty your life ahead is something you can face now that you’ve breathed, you can carry on the race even not knowing why you exist, is not cause enough to cease and desist at whatever speed the future comes when it tags you, you’re ready to run the future is not for chasing

but you have to move, to get the next base in whatever it is, you are not alone everyone’s with you, running for home it’s a great game, an act, a play the sidelines are not where you spend the day take hold of your life, aim for the sky eat all the cake! and that slice of pie whether it is expected, don’t stand there affected run with the ball, climb over that wall catch your breath, keep going if your arms ache, well, keep rowing beyond the next horizon may be even more sea but I repeat, keep going, you’ve got some place to be a castle in the sky, the apple of your eye, a slice of the cherry pie, or a lover’s gentle sigh we know not what lies ahead rolling hills, an easy bed, but you must be grateful for life even if it’s painted with strife because all those colours on the palette make for an amazing tossed salad ;p Rrrrojak, that’s what I've been called the history, the blood, the software installed for someone who’s only thirty-three

90

Friends & Family the tumbles, the falls, the star jumps of glee it seems so much, almost too much to bear but Rapunzel, Rapunzel, you must let down your hair! if you stay cooped up in your great big tower, dust accumulates hour after hour only thoughts coil around you but downstairs, the world runs, with or without you without ambition, you still can move you don’t need a clue, to follow that groove just play that music, tap your feet make a wow-wow sound, air guitar that beat dance, dance on, for the power of the sun who cares if your hair’s always up in a bun? forever, I'm grateful for the mysteries of time for the companions brought to be with on this climb each one of you is special, I can’t even begin to lay out how we’ve been through thick and thin you light up all the different parts of me and I hope with all this light, everyone can see their own ways, their own paths, their own joys, their own laughs an you see laughter? duh, yes you can \m/ it’s the smile on your face

it’s the hand on your hand it’s the hug on your shoulder it’s the nudge that makes you bolder so this is what I take back with me after a day of hanging out with my friends who know me, inside and out it’s so precious, great and crazy how I get recharged like a battery just by being around, you make me better strong enough to haul up anchor curious enough to seek new

shores and brave enough to open doors

91

Friends & Family

SPACE IN MY HEART Although it seems as I grow older I lose friends along the way simply because we are mutually bothered we no longer mirror, nor inspire, we drift away I will never forget these people who were close to me briefly we each brought something to the other’s table even those of us who parted badly what we shared, no matter how long, was fruitful yet I know there are friends I have yet to meet my universe is primed for expansion every single person that I greet my heart is ready for more passion

UNCONDITIONAL

The best friendships are golden 92

Friends & Family

LEST I FORGET I try to picture your face

or the sound of your laughter I try to call up memories

that fade faster and faster

I have forgotten you

yet I will always remember you touched my heart

so you are with me forever

93

Friends & Family

WHY DO WE LOVE?

When death pulls people apart, When families scatter to the winds, The pain of separation breaks the heart. Grief can never rescind. But the living moments shared are the miracles, that we forever are grateful for. Because of love, we've reached pinnacles, personal, unique, and varied, as sand upon the shore.

We all have one life to live, so love with all your heart. let it shatter, mend, bloom; set it adrift, even if it hurts, be at the vanguard love is what brings you to adulthood, taking on pain, torment, and responsibility, whilst trusting and cherishing your beloveds, as you would, The ransom, be it death or being left behind, is worth it.

94

Friends & Family

NO BETTER CAT, THAN CUB Cubby was my soul cat my partner in paradise Lame, starved and about to die he came into my life I found him limping, starved and very weak we set him up alright under my block, the cat feeders would help him to survive but he came to look for me instead, on the 9th floor I pressed the lift button and there he was, waiting at the lift door into my home and my care he came I brought him to the vet he healed, got healthy, no longer lame he was a wonderful pet

so manja, talkative, and so loving too he’d roam but he’d be back mornings totally covered with dew happy with his adventuring I don’t know where he used to go but my neighbours knew him well it’s my guess he'd go say hello coz he had so many friends and stories to tell cats and humans, we can’t communicate if you watched Cubby and I, you would be surprised we knew each other so well, so accurate our communication was precise I'd snap my fingers and he’d jump on to my lap A child could play with him and he’d gently purr this gentle giant would never attack

95

Friends & Family

96

Friends & Family

I’m so glad he stayed with me, all the way to his end all these years, my comfort, all these years, my friend

When he got sick my heart sank so fast he started to lose weight he lost muscle mass his legs became so weak he caught a nasty bug he was slightly anaemic there was no wonder drug You see, when a cat has FIV you can try to cure his ills but he has immune deficiency

which betrays his body and will

he stayed on as long as he could even though he was dehydrated he lost his Cubby mind and mood The date and the time was fated When I saw that he was struggling to breathe I knew what I had to do I signed the papers to give him reprieve I held his head all the way through it was a gentle passing he didn’t put up any fuss although my tears were falling through it all I had his trust Going home with his empty cat bag took all my energy I was just so sad the bag was Empty

97

Friends & Family when I got home all I did was cry but at night, in the dark, he climbed up to me I FELT his love and his goodbye he must have heard my heartfelt plea I could feel his weight on my chest and hear his gentle meow I think he knew I was depressed although not seen, he was there somehow

I think his visit had a purpose it felt like a benediction

he erased all my guilt and thus I know this with conviction

he and I will meet again

in another time and space our souls will align and then

we will be bathed in grace

98

Friends & Family

FRIENDS GROW AWAY It takes a lot to tarnish someone in my eyes

often, I get so surprised

people are people, they often change

but some become oh so strange

when you’re young, you think friends last forever

but on chance meetings I feel that our bonds have been severed

someone said something wise

You meet people when you need their advice

They come into your life for a reason

Every person basically just has their own season 99

Friends & Family

GIVE AND TAKE - FAMILY

You don't have a choice

You can't whittle it down

You must hope and rejoice

pain under make-up like a clown

You just gotta deal

You just gotta step up

You must heal

Confront the mess, and SCRUB.

BROTHERS AND SISTERS

If you have a sibling, congratulations you also have my commiserations ;p

100

Friends & Family

AVENUE OF CLOSED DOORS *Click* When doors lock TIGHT my HEART begins to shatter where SILENCE abides my soul gets SHUTTERED alone AGAIN in a very big space feeling always slightly DISGRACED I get NERVOUS, I get wild, I get thicker skin, too thick for a CHILD a child NEEDS company, a child needs play ALONE in the day, you do it your way I used TO go and powder the floor I'd skate, then I'd paint, I'd try not to be BORED sometimes when I got tired of being IGNORED I'd TIPTOE through the corridor of closed doors It is only now, that I understand, how my mother would HIDE away, rather than DESTROY my day. Due to depression and being out of control, she tried her best to not let chaos unfold.

101

Friends & Family

CHILD’S PLAY brief sacred safety

under the bed sheets with my flashlight

then

come out come out wherever you are

your game has no winners

give up too much i give in too little

and now I

cant remember the secret password

102

Friends & Family

MAKE YOUR OWN FAMILY

When you're a second-generation immigrant and this land is the place of your birth you grow up without your cousins simply because there is a dearth. your relatives are not with you you'll be lucky if you ever get to know them we survived by sticking by other migrant families, and these people became my uncles and aunties and to this day, their children feel like my cousins and I'm lucky after all, to have the best of 2 worlds extended families across the globe by blood and by love, assembled

103

Friends & Family

WE WORK TOGETHER See, that’s the thing between my brother, my sister and myself we’ve been through a lot, life can sure bring you to the brink, of pain and stepping up for yourselves but we work together we’re each one of a kind we’re different but we know each other we have different minds but one thing is constant family comes first we may not be confidantes but we will intercede when times are at their worst our parents are our shared concern my little niece and nephew, our shared miracles and no matter how the world turns whatever life throws at us, together we’re unstoppable

104

Friends & Family

ANGER MOMENTS

My family is closed no matter how open we fake being seamless the truth is we’re broken I can’t easily get from them what I get from my friends They don’t like my music or the thoughts that I pen It hurts like a bear claw ripping my skin it makes me feel like committing a sin or two, or three, and just throwing my heart out

I want to thrash, tear, rind, gnash my teeth and shout Sometimes I feel I can’t possibly love them yet something tells me that I do we’re merely people out of sync with different behaviours and views I know this but this time round my mind closes and my heart squeezes tight common sense cannot be found I'm angry with all my might

105

Friends & Family

DEAR FAMILY: What the fuck do you want from me? Do you want me to get well? or do you just want assets as extra income for our family a flat when I'm 35 which I can sell when I can't even get a job to stick when I have to produce a letter from my shrink when I'm still on medication, still sick? when I can't control the thoughts that I think? Do you want me to be the daughter sidekick? to exercise with dad and keep him active? to listen to mom, help her tick? be their confidante, the buffer during a regular tiff? watch their expenditure, help with their mail, order the pet food, call the air-con guy remind of their doctor appointment details and play with the kids, up and at 'em all high I cannot be the perfect aunt, sister, or daughter, I lost my independence, and moved in, and since then I've tried to recover my laughter, and not to sin, and not to give in coz I've had it, up to the top of my head, to my heart of hearts,

you're driving me straight to bed sometimes, your words/actions, a poisonous dart I'm just never enough, I'm just never right, you believe I'm so tough, that I can put up a fight but everyday I'm so fragile, so close to tears, so bewildered, and beguiled, completely full of fears we're rotting, I'm rotting, like a log in the sea all the while you're plotting your course and future to be I'm still stuck on survive I'm pretending to be alright but I'd really like to go and hide I let go my strengths, my might you're pushing me too damn hard you don't even trust me, and you ask me to do, chores to strike off my card, then tell me it's not good enough for you.

106

Friends & Family

THAT'S IT. I'M DONE. I told my family. They're supposed to know. I'm on medication that finally works So it's easier to appear "normal" But by Gawd, inside I've still got my same old quirks this is not the time to put pressure on me To scare me into becoming your ideal money earner I'm trying to be free of meds, and I've outlined my eventual strategy But every message I've tried to put through just gets returned to sender They refuse to see my difficulties Like if they ignore it, it'll eventually disappear So they stress me out so much

Every interaction leaves me in tears They don't know but they should That I'm doing the best I can That "functioning" is so hard They think it's just a prank My family and now my religion Were my only reasons for attempting to fix my core But without their support, and just their scorn, It's almost terrifyingly real, the monster at my door Wake up family, wake up! For I sure can't. I'm drugged every day If you can't support, then please withdraw It's not family-ish, but it's better than further decay

107

Friends & Family

CAN'T WE JUST... GET ALONG? The most compromise you will ever have to make

will be with all and any member of your family

very simply, they are different from the friends that

we surround ourselves with.

Do you wonder, if God has a sense of humour? I

think he most definitely does.

Look at all our families, the strife, the fighting, the

love, the crying....

Family can be themselves around us, so what you

have is a true mirror of yourself, in their eyes. I

suggest you choose to listen.

And if THEY don't listen to YOU, then you have to

KETUK them in the head, no choice.

(KETUK, is exactly how it sounds, using your

knuckles on their skulls)

it is always a give and take. and it must be as fair as

possible.

there comes a time, when the child is no longer the

child.

and all adults have to come together and talk, be

open. be accurate. stop assuming. start clarifying.

state your boundaries. accept those boundaries.

COMPROMISE. and work together.

Family is all you have sometimes, and some people

don't even have that.

108

Friends & Family

AAARGHHHHH Why have I not learnt this yet? Why do I always forget? If it's emotional support I need, this is not the type of support my family feeds. They will provide a roof over my head They will pay for medicines and bread. My sister says, she can't be my friend, When I bring out my violin, my brother says the party ends when I sculpt something for my father, he hands it back and says do better when I sing, my mom says, I suck. they're only being honest, I must respect them thus. Such high standards, but I'm not here to compete, I am just being myself, just being me. I wish to present myself as a gift, but they seem to think it's a trick.

They never simply celebrate, they never congratulate. The atmosphere we all grew up in, rigid system, called a devil for any sin. holy water sprinkled on me like I'm some sort of monster Getting the belt, or the slipper, or the ruler or kneeling down with arms outstretched punished like a real rebel, so wretched. my family has long since escaped from the tyranny of physical abuse, that wretched cycle, that history despite all the generational gaps, we, as a family, eventually found our road map. And if it is not exactly consistent with the one in my heart, Well, I can only love my family as they are.

109

RREELLIIGGIIOOSSIITTYY ((NNOO SSUUCCHH WWOORRDD -- II DDOONN''TT CCAARREE))

110

"Religiosity"

BLEEDING TREE Bleeding Tree, oh Bleeding Tree Did you Bleed for me? Did you Bleed for Mother Earth Are you sure that we have worth?

NOTHING IS EVERYTHING

I share everything with this Universe By virtue of that, I am Perfectly Imperfect.

UNCTION

I've got heaven in my boots and wing tips on my shoulders Like a baby bird, rescued, and rehabilitated, It's time for me to fly free And be God's simple creature 111

"Religiosity"

BLESSINGS I know my miracles

that have happened to me

I know that something out there

is looking out for me

I matter, not just because atoms make me up

and I'll keep mattering, until the time that I stop

112

"Religiosity"

9 LIVES

Yes, I'm not a cat, but I feel I’m close to the end

I don’t know my stories

I don’t know how I began

I get flashes of certain memories

triggered suddenly and mysteriously

I can’t relate to any of it

to none of them, my current life fits

that’s why I believe I've lived other times before

and maybe someone just forgot to close the door

113

"Religiosity" SOULS REBORN

Energy is never created or destroyed

it already exists, it just transfers form

I believe that souls return from wherever they go

they come back to be children, and other life

reborn

It’s probably a game they play,

the lucky draw of the reincarnation way,

experiences and emotions felt throughout life

are never wasted, they are the rallying cry

to carry on with whatever you get

life and death are very safe bets

so our loves who leave us are not that far away

we’ll meet again, just some other way

THE EMPEROR HAS NEW CLOTHES

Life is like new clothes for a soul

new identity, new memory,

new family, new control,

new feelings, new energy.

New role to play

New destiny to carry out

New things to say

New possibilities to bring about

Even if this theory about coming back is wrong

Even if you can’t believe in something so

strange

We all know, each life is like a song

And it’s always all about change

114

"Religiosity"

CHARITY = CLARITY When you lift your concerns away from yourself,

And focus on the needs of others,

The drama of your life falls away

Revealing simple truths, the roots of your issues,

Now face them, as you will, as you can.

Nobody goes from zero to hero in a second.

But awareness and clarity goes a long way

At the start of your spiritual journey

Into yourself, out of yourself, into the hearts of others,

Doing the will of God. 115

"Religiosity"

LIGHT A PENNY CANDLE I never believed in prayer

I never believed in God I only loved the hymns we sang

in the choir, I was a fraud But one night I dreamed

a dream that touched me deep I dreamed I had prayer candles

for everyone who weeps I lit each taper one by one

Thinking of my friends, I wished, I prayed for all their fears

for all their tears to end I prayed for my family I prayed for each one I prayed for strangers

for anyone who had gone While I was praying,

I could feel my whole heart giving all I could to each prayer

hoping for all, a new start

I lit and I lit and I lit and I lit gloom lifted gently to brightness

surrounded by flickering light it brought my heart to gladness

For anyone who had touched my life I had a blessing to say

I had well-wishes and hopes for them I had learnt to pray

In my dream, I had lit every candle but I needed one more for myself

couldn’t find one, I got upset then I realised I'm used to not asking for help

When I woke up, I had more insight while my heart was open for others

I had been keeping myself in the dark and it's time I let Jesus into my heart He has healed me, given me strength

a chance to love myself again whom shall I fear, with Him on my side?

I am never alone now with Him as my guide.

116

"Religiosity"

I AM YOUR NEIGHBOUR People die every day But it’s something we don’t notice But when beloved ones pass the gate it is then, we’re stricken with grief we should pray for ALL who suffer we should pray for ALL in pain being strangers to each other doesn’t mean we should refrain from helping, from grieving, from providing safe harbour, from feeling, from believing we are your neighbours all life together makes a blanket full of stars but stars do fade and go away we hope, though, not very far there must be some cosmic plan

that we are too tiny to see every day, just carry on, say we can, don’t try to solve the mystery of faith, or of death, of pain, or of love certain only that life is breath, and the opposite is when we let go of don’t think about status, don’t think about fame, it diminishes and doesn’t address a life spent, each person, a flame just pray for the sanctity of their souls that they may rest in peace that their burdens have been taken whole and that memories of them will not cease

117

"Religiosity"

PRAYER #1 What is this day? What is this night? What is this fire, burning bright? I have a heart that's filled with sin And yet, with God, there's peace within. For I know, He forgives me, For I know, Our Lady shields me, For I know, my angel fights the dark, That always tries to engulf me. I am grateful, with a heavy heart, Worry, on my brow, I gasp with every moment I know, They save me. And gift me. Freely. Love, time, and... Opportunity, to do what with, is a mystery. Maybe to just keep on trying to be good? Maybe just to keep on living as best as I should. But I'm lonely and misunderstood... That's me painting myself black, To disappear in the darkness of my ugliness. No! No! I must get out into the light!

I must not retard, I must fight! For within me, there is also a might, A will, to repent, a will, to offer up my life, To God, for all I am, is his creation. And I have the imagination, To make sparks, to light the flame, To dismiss for everyone, any feelings of shame, Whatever tools, I use for myself, Is grace given, for me to share, To dream, to do it, to finally dare, Inspire others, lift up their hearts, Where there is pain, dispel the dark, Help deal with the crosses that we all share, Open my heart, always care. This is my prayer tonight, oh Lord, The real one, not the recited, memorised lines, But this one now, I'm telling you with all my soul, That I have truly chosen my role, And I will keep it in play, Every day, in every way,

118

"Religiosity" Even if I walk alone, Even if my path is filled with stones, I may fall and cut myself, But I can pick myself up, and start again. One wheel, one life, this time, always, now. To pray, and show others, how. For the day of judgement is every moment, And purgatory is our own torment. Are we ready? Are we warriors? Are we peacemakers and scientists? The glory of mankind, documenting and dissecting, The layers of time, the atoms of matter, magnifying the works of the Lord, To glorify his creations, glorify the world! To love every inch, every neutron, every cell, every single Eureka! Is an Alleluia. And we are Home and this is Heaven, Struggles and all, falling, standing tall,

We work in his fields, reaping the harvest, and we may go further than we could ever guess, As we dine at His table, as his guests. Faith is my salvation, thank you for the gift, It solved everything, it destroyed the rift, that lay between the pieces of my broken heart, You stitched me up so well, improved the design, I am forever grateful, with your mercy, am no longer blind, And I will accompany mankind, To the destiny You have in mind. I will always need You, I will always seek You, I will always mind you in my heart. And love you with my thoughts. And be as courageous as to kneel before You, A supplicant to your altar, Your apostle, I am. Amen.

119

"Religiosity"

PRAYER #2

For the strong, for the weak, For the lost, for those who weep Lord, you taught me to love, you opened my eyes, to take notice of, people around me everywhere and that I must care and I must share I never expected to give so much of my heart I never expected to feel so torn apart to care so much for those brought down low Lord, teach me now, to let go, For lost lives, unimaginable tragedy, grant them peace and passage home to your Majesty.

120

"Religiosity"

CAN BROKEN PEOPLE BE MADE WHOLE AGAIN? It’ll probably take years and years. maybe even, lives and more lives, to get it right. but this ain’t no video game. your only pause button is God, God, who accepts your most grievous faults and takes them as his own. The cross of Jesus is WAY heavier than ours so you gotta accept your own cross and then you gotta do the work and forgive yourself for not being able to go from zero to a hundred for being weak, too scared, too hunted, for hurting, hating, disengaging, dominating. move on from failure, move on from pain move on from being victimised, forgiving the ones who harmed

you, TRY, for your own peace of mind. Carry on ‘til the end keep on making friends open your heart, just open your heart, see the downtrodden, then do your part. it’s about you, and yet it isn’t, JUST HELP THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU. I don’t know the answer to my question but I know I was created as this imperfection Faith is my coping mechanism don’t deny me my beliefs, or put me down, even if you don’t believe as I do, for it helps me to carry on, every day, whether broken, in any way

121

Thank you

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