dealing with difficult people and situations. dealing with difficult people
TRANSCRIPT
What’s the point?• These people are everywhere;
you cannot avoid them entirely.
• Unfortunately, they often hold positions of power.
• Give them the chance, and they will make you miserable.
• You can’t change them, but you can change the way you react to them.
• Changing how you react to these people will improve the quality of your life.
Objectives
Today's Training Objectives:
• Identify common behaviours difficult people exhibit
• Describe feelings these behaviours often elicit in others
• Specify behaviours these feelings typically elicit, and
• Discuss practical ways for minimising the disruptive impact these people have on your life.
Difficult People
Take 5 minutes in your groups to brainstorm 1 or 2 examples in each
of these categories:
What makes people difficult?
1. Someone wants something you can’t give them
2. Someone wants something you won’t give them
3. Someone refuses to listen
What makes people difficult?
4. Someone makes threats; is disruptive & abusive
5. Someone violates rules or commits an illegal act
6. Someone takes a problem to the wrong individual
Typical Behaviours that difficult people exhibit?
• They are insensitive and demanding.
• They are aggressive and hostile.
• They are vulgar and insulting.
• They are hateful, arrogant and demeaning.
• They are rude and uncivilised.
• They are unresponsive and irresponsible.
• They are dishonest and conniving.
• They are uncooperative.• They are sensitive,
suspicious and intent on blaming someone else.
• They are stupid and ignorant and blissfully unaware of it.
Confronted with such behaviour,
how do we sometimes feel?• Angry• Resentful• Helpless• Hopeless• Worthless• Frightened• Intimidated• Annoyed• Revengeful• Overwhelmed
• Hostile• Inferior• Threatened• Hurt• Insulted• Frustrated• Used• Hateful • Etc.
How might these feelings incline us
to behave?• Withdraw• Nag• Argue• Give up• Explain• Talk behind others’ backs• Ruminate• Gossip• Try harder to please• Plot revenge• And so on
• What words come to your mind when you hear the word conflict?
How do you define conflict?
frustrated uncomfortable
stressful friction tired
distracting obstacleunfortunate
unavoidable challengingdirectly flexible
inevitable human politics
necessary
• When two or more people do not share the same beliefs, interests, or goals
• Conflict is natural and inevitable
• Conflict is uncomfortable and stressful
• The goal of conflict resolution is not to eliminate conflict (or the other person) but to handle it constructively
What is conflict?
• Feeling thwarted or threatened
• Exceptional levels of stress
• Your reactions to their difficult behaviour which reinforces the behaviour by increasing the stress they already feel
• Learned behaviour (getting their way)
• Inflexibility (on both sides)
Why are people difficult?
• You can’t change other people
• Learn to appreciate and draw upon the different strengths of difficult people
• Focus on coping with difficult behaviour (adapting to other communication styles)
What can you do about it?
What are some effective behavioural
strategies for dealing with difficult people?
• Label them.*• Neutralise them.*• Understand them.• Accept them.• Inform them.• Involve them.• Ignore them.• Convert them.• Avoid them.• Expose them.
• Circumvent them.• Use them.• Persuade them.• Confront them.*• Rehabilitate them.• Discourage them.• Ridicule them.• Isolate them.• Punish them.• Fire them.
Label them.• Why should I?
– Acknowledges they are different
– Recognises their need to be “managed,” not befriended
– Initiates the management process
– Minimises your unrealistic expectations
– Reminds you to become emotionally detached
– Signals need to reach for suitable tools
– Legitimises others’ perceptions
– Forces you to take personal responsibility
• How can I?– Remain sensitive to your own
emotional arousal. – Recognise the need to choke
off your emotional arousal.– Imagine a sticky note labeled,
“A Real Nut” attached to their foreheads.
– View them as impaired (they are).
– Pity them.– Concentrate on observing
their behaviour.– Reflect on why someone
might behave so unproductively—as a distraction, not as their therapist.
Neutralise them.• Why should I?
– Removes incendiary behaviour from an emotionally flammable environment
– Minimises their desired response—fear and withdrawal
– Starves their fire– Limits emotional contagion– Protects more vulnerable
personalities– Minimises workplace
disruption– Takes initiative away from
social miscreant
• How can I?– Take notes.– Avoid eye contact.– Act sleepy and bored.– Comment on their emotional arousal.– Ask them why they are repeating
themselves.– Ask them what constructive things they
have tried.– Ask them what they want you to do.– Warn them, then hang up the phone.
Confront them.• Why should I?
– Challenges others’ tolerance– Worries those who collude
with misbehavers– Disrupts usual response
patterns– Signals who’s in charge– Provides relief from feelings of
helplessness– Gives prior victims hope– Reaffirms your commitment to
organisation’s stated values– Encourages others to take the
same vigorous action
• How can I?– Document their behaviour.– Ignore suspected motives, but
record behaviour in descriptive detail.
– Focus on patterns instead of isolated occurrences.
– Line up witnesses.– Give emotions time to
dissipate.– Nail down the support you
need.– Confront in love and respect.– Refuse to be distracted.– Attach consequences and
describe next steps.– Deliver on your promises.
• Sherman Tanks
• Snipers
• Exploders
• Know-it-all Experts
• Think-they-know-it-all
Super-AgreeablesSuper-Agreeables IndecisivesIndecisives UnresponsivesUnresponsives NegativistsNegativists ComplainersComplainers
10 Common Difficult behaviours
• Attacking, accusing, abusive, abrupt, intimidating, overwhelming, confrontational
• Feel strong need to prove that their view of the world is always right
• Get irritated or angry if sense resistance
• See tasks as clear and concrete
• Value assertiveness and confidence
Sherman Tanks
• Teasing, innuendoes, not-too-subtle digs used to make you look foolish in groups
• Hides behind crowds and social constraints• Often very witty• Share Tank’s strong sense of how others
should act but is often unrealistic• Can turn into a Tank if exposed
Snipers
• Adult tantrum, rage barely under control
• When person feels thwarted and threatened
• May cry, be silently enraged, or yell/scream
• Anger often moves to suspicion and blaming
• Creates highest amount of resentment among others of all behaviours
Exploders
• Highly productive, thorough and accurate thinkers, careful planners
• Believe facts and knowledge provide stability; answers lie within themselves
• Low tolerance for correction/contradiction• Condescending, don’t wait for others to
catch up to their thought process or seek input from others
Know-it-all Experts
• Seek the admiration and respect of others by trying to act like experts when they are not
• Don’t always know they are not experts
• Curious people; like to learn a little about a lot of things
Think-they-know-it-alls
• Want to be liked and loved by everyone
• Make others feel liked and approved of
• Tell you things that are satisfying to hear
• Often use humor to ease conversation
• Say “Yes” to everything but often don’t deliver because they are over-committed
• Can secretly be resentful of doing so much
Super-Agreeables
• Put off making important decisions because they don’t want to hurt anyone
• Have high standards
• Strive to help people
• Usually stall until the decision is made
Indecisives
• Close down, even when asked direct question (answer yes, no, I don’t know)
• Clam up when you need a response or expect conversation
• Difficult to determine why they are silent
Unresponsives
• Find fault with everything, complain constantly, accusatory, prescriptive
• Feel someone should be doing something but feel helpless to take action
• Have distinct idea of what should be done
• Usually is some truth to their complaints
Complainers
• Feel defeated and dispirited as though they have little power over their lives
• Pessimistic, more bitter than complainers
• Bring others down quickly
• Say “We’ve tried this before” or “That won’t work” without looking for solutions
Negativists
If civilization is to survive, we must cultivate the science of human relationships--the ability of all people, of all kinds, to live together, in the same world at peace.
--- Franklin D. Roosevelt
FOCUS ON TASKS
Control (to get the job done)– Sherman Tanks, Snipers, Know-it-alls
Perfection (to get it right)– Complainers, Negativists, Unresponsives
Acknowledge Positive Intent
FOCUS ON PEOPLE
Approval Seeking (to get along)– Super-agreeables, Indecisives, Negativists
Attention Getting (to get appreciation)– Exploders, Think-they-know-it-alls, Snipers
Acknowledge Positive Intent
• Sherman Tanks
• Snipers
• Exploders
• Know-it-all Experts
• Think-they-know-it-all
Super-Agreeables Indecisives Unresponsives Negativists Complainers
10 Coping Methods
• Stand up for yourself without fighting• Give them time to run down• Don’t worry about being polite, just get in• Get their attention, carefully• Get them to sit down• Speak from your own point of view• Avoid a head-on fight• Be ready to be friendly
Sherman Tanks
• Surface the attack immediately
• Give the sniper an out (ask questions)
• Seek group confirmation or denial of the sniper’s criticism
• Move on to solve any problems uncovered
Snipers
• Give them time to run down
• Show that you take them seriously
• Interrupt the interaction
Exploders
• Do your homework
• Listen and acknowledge
• Question firmly, but don’t confront
• Ask extensional questions to get details
• Acknowledge their competence
• Make time for reflection
• As last resort, let them be the expert
Know-it-all Experts
• Make honestly non-threatening
• Be personal - when you can
• Listen to their humor
• Be prepared to compromise
Super-agreeables
• Establish a comfort zone
• Surface the issues
• Help them problem solve (make decision)
• Reassure after decision is made
• Strengthen the relationship
Indecisives
• Ask open-ended questions
• Use the friendly, silent stare
• Don’t fill the space
• Comment on what’s happening
• If clam opens up, listen rather than talk
• If clam stays closed, terminate meeting and reschedule
Unresponsives
• Avoid getting drawn in
• State your own realistic optimism
• Don’t argue
• Don’t rush into proposing solutions
• Set a horror floor
• Use comments to make decisions
• Be ready to take action on your own
Negativists
• Listen attentively to their complaints
• Acknowledge what they say
• Be prepared to interrupt to acknowledge
• Don’t agree or apologise
• State the facts without comment and apology
• Move quickly into problem solving
Complainers
The person who grabs the cat by the tail learns about 44 percent faster than the one just watching.
--- Mark Twain
Control (to get the job done)– Sherman Tanks, Snipers, Know-it-alls
Perfection (to get it right)– Complainers, Negativists, Unresponsives
Approval Seeking (to get along)– Super-agreeables, Indecisives, Negativists
Attention Getting (to get appreciation)– Exploders, Think-they-know-it-alls, Snipers
Acknowledge Positive Intent
• Describe the behaviour in detail• Write down your understanding of behaviour• Review your interaction with this person
(what worked and didn’t work)• Choose the proper coping behaviour• What do you need to learn and practice• Create an action plan and follow through
Basic Strategy (time to think)
Determine positive intent/valued criteria
• Listen (but stop destructive behaviour)
• Summarise (length depends on behaviour)
• Clarify questions to collect details
Basic Strategy (on the spot)
Basic Strategy (on the spot)
Speak to be heard
• State your positive intent
• Tell your story from your point of view
• Don’t damage the relationship, if possible
• Coping with difficult people is never easy and hardly ever fun
• Getting along with other people, even the difficult ones, is as important a skill for us as good writing and Java scripting
Conclusion
Conclusion
• Practice coping techniques in safe situations
• Avoid attributing internal motives to behaviour; assume good intentions
• Remember that everybody is somebody’s difficult person at least some of the time
Bramson, Robert M. Coping With Difficult People. Dell Publishing. New York: 1981.
Bolton, Robert and Dorothy Grover Bolton. People Styles at Work. American Management Association. New York: 1996
Brinkman, Rick and Rick Kirschner. Dealing With People You Can’t Stand. R.R. Donnelley & Sons. New York: 1994.
Recommended Books
Do’s Of Resolving Conflict
• Use key communication principles
-Face to Face, Telephone, Email, Etc. • Be positive and patient
• Focus on the problem, NOT the person
• Keep an open mind
More Do’s
• Explore all alternatives for resolving the conflict
• Try to understand the other person’s point of view
• Seek the other person’s ideas
• End on a positive note
Don’ts Of Resolving Conflict • Pre-judge people
• Assume you have all the facts
• Focus on the other person’s attitude, personality, or presumed motive
• Meet practical needs at the expense of personal needs
Don’ts Of Resolving Conflict• React immediately; on emotional high
• React - respond
• Take it personally
• Cut the other person off
• Disrespect the other person
• Raise your voice