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Dan’s Papers May 27, 2011 danshamptons.com

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35 Subway to the Beach by Dan Rattiner39 Hope You Read This by Dan Rattiner39 Will the Sag Harbor Neon Be Next? by Dan Rattiner43 Power to the People by Dan Rattiner43 Remembering Our Heroes by T. J. Clemente45 The First Potatohampton by Dan Rattiner45 Alec Baldwin’s Gift by David Lion Rattiner53 The Blue Parrot by T. J. Clemente71 Who’s Here: Darrell Hammond by David Lion Rattiner73 Bill & Ed by Sharon McKee86 Luce + Hawkins by Stacy Dermont88 Paul Bowles Film by Elise D’Haene91 Gateway Playhouse Season by Marianna Scandole93 Who’s Here: Faith Middleton by Dan Rattiner96 Raphael Saadiq and Quadron by Stacy Dermont100 Mr. No Shame by Nanci E. LaGarenne102 Westside Story Review by Roy Bradbrook104 Art and Turtle Day by Ana Nieto and Ivo Tomasini112 Benefits by Marissa Pollina113 Hamptons Houseguests by Rachel Abrams

70 Hamptons Epicure36 South O’ the Highway40 Green Monkeys115 Photo Pages56 Hamptons Subway60 20something

61 Sheltered Islander62 By the Book81 Classic Cars84 Ten Minute Golf82 Whispers

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A&E 146 Art Commentary147 Art Review: The Big Show151 Garrison Keillor

102 Review: Westside Story156 Josh Ritter

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133 Kids Events155 Day By Day

152 Art Events154 Movies

157 Letters to Dan 158 Police Blotter 159 Service Directory

172 Classifieds 23 Luxury Liner Schedule

This issue is dedicated to The Rapture.

121 North Fork Events120 Sommelier Stress

119 Over the Barrel122 Outdoor Room

134 Simple Art of Cooking136 Review: Tate’s140 Dining Out135 Side Dish

138 Nite Life139 Review: Grana141 Review: Love Lane

* 50th Anniversary Logo Design Winner *Graphic artist and musician Craig Phillip Cardone of Freeport won

the “Create a Logo” contest for Dan’s Papers’ 50th Anniversary. Cardoneincorporated original artwork by Mickey Paraskevas in his whimsical,winning design.

VOLUME XLVIIII NUMBER 10, MAY 27, 2011

HOUSE &HOME

128 Bella’s Picks129 Gardening

132 Fabric


1980


President and Editor-in-Chief: Dan Rattiner [email protected]

Publisher: Bob [email protected]

Web Editor: David Lion [email protected]

Senior Editor: Elise D’[email protected]

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Contributing Writers And EditorsPatrick Christiano, Joan Baum, T.J. Clemente, Janet Flora,

Sally Flynn, Bob Gelber, April Gonzales, Barry Gordin,Katy Gurley, Steve Haweeli, Ken Kindler,

Laura Klahre,Judy Spencer-Klinghoffer, Ed Koch,Kelly Krieger, Silvia Lehrer, Sharon McKee, Jeanelle Myers,

Maria Orlando Pietromonaco, Susan Saiter, Marianna Scandole,Rebeca Schiller, Maria Tennariello,

Lenn Thompson, Marion Wolberg Weiss

Contributing Artists And PhotographersDavid Charney, John Davenport, Kimberly Goff, Barry Gordin,

Katlean de Monchy, Richard Lewin, Stephanie Lewin,Michael Paraskevas, Ginger Propper,Tom W. Ratcliffe III, Nancy Pollera

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By Dan RattinerEverybody has been wondering

what these large caves workmenhave been digging at the beach inSouthampton could be. You cansee them from a distance. Theyare halfway up the dune facingthe ocean at the back of Cooper’sBeach.

This dune has been fenced offsince the work began last month.Only hardhat workmen areallowed in and out. So it has beena mystery. But then, this pastThursday, all that changed. Around midday,bunting and balloons were put up surroundingthe cave opening. The fencing was removed,and there was this big grand opening. Mysterysolved.

This cave, along with another that has justbeen completed at Main Beach in East

Hampton, are the end of the line for the twonew underground Hampton Subway spurs, oneconnecting Main Street, Southampton andCooper’s Beach and the other connecting EastHampton with East Hampton Main Beach.

Dignitaries, officials and other invited guestsattended the grand opening of the spur toCooper’s Beach last Saturday. (The opening ofEast Hampton Main Beach line will be nextSaturday, to allow the press to write about oneand then the other thus making maximum useof media ink, according to Subway PublicRelations man Amos Crackenbush.)

At 9:30 a.m., the guests stood out on the side-walk in front of the subway entrance at thecorner of Hampton Road and Main Street inSouthampton and they clapped as the speech-

es were delivered and the red rib-bon was cut, after which they allwent down the stairs to the plat-form there to take the first rides tothe beach.

Speaking at this grand openingby the entrance to kick things offwere Southampton Mayor MarkEply, Subway Commissioner BillAspinall, Supermodel ChristieBrinkley, State Assemblyman FredThiele, County Supervisor SteveLevy, U. S. Congressman TimBishop and Southampton Town

Supervisor Linda Throne-Holst. After they allspoke, the Southampton High SchoolMarching Band struck up “Hail to the Chief,”and the band, headed up by baton twirlerTiffany Fishco of Water Mill, went down thestairs to the platform and everybody followed.

“The beach is just a swipe of your card away,”said Congressman Bishop of Southampton upon the street during the opening ceremonies.

“This is a grand day for Southampton,” saidMayor Epley. He pointed out that more than90% of the cost of the work was paid for by theFederal government.

The Subway Commissioner went to great


Subway to the BeachRibbon Cut at Cooper’s Beach This Week, Main Beach Next

Subway to the Beach

“The beach is just a swipe of your card away,”

said Congressman Tim Bishop.

Dan Rattiner’s second memoir, IN THEHAMPTONS TOO: Further Encounters withFarmers, Fishermen, Artists, Billionaires andCelebrities, is now available in hardcoverwherever books are sold. The first memoir, INTHE HAMPTONS, published by RandomHouse, is now available in paperback.

(continued on page 38)

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Congratulations, Chris Carney! The EastHampton resident was recently honored byPresident Obama at a ceremony for theWounded Warrior Project’s Soldier Ride inWashington D.C. Veterans and military familiesgathered on the South Lawn with their bicyclesto help pay tribute.

* * *Amagansett resident Alec Baldwin has

donated $250,000 to Guild Hall. The donationrepresents his proceeds from a recent commer-cial campaign for Capital One.

* * *Artist Setsuo Ito is auctioning off his $10.99

million Water Mill estate for Japan Relief. The12,000-square-foot oceanfront home wasdesigned by the Japan-born artist himself. It sitson the highest point in the Hamptons and fea-tures a glass pyramid. The auction is scheduledfor June 26.

* * *Michael Paraskevas (that’s his cover this

week, we’ve lost count as to which number thisis) has an exhibit of paintings open all MemorialDay weekend at 4 North Main Street Gallery inSouthampton. Stop by to see 20 years worth ofpaintings and illustrations from the creator ofMaggie and the Ferocious Beast and the GreenMonkeys.

* * *Lester Gribetz, president of Lenox

Corporation and former vice chairman ofBloomingdale’s, is selling his Shelter Islandretreat. The 6,800-square-foot English Country-style spread was built in 2003 and is currentlylisted for $10.95 million.

* * *The 2011 Hamptons International Film

Festival (October 13-17) is open for submissionsonline, withoutabox.com/login/1160. Now enter-ing its 19th year, HIFF continues to thrive as aprestigious forum for independent and interna-tional film and is an Academy Award-qualifyingfestival for short live-action and animated films.

* * *Southampton’s Patricia Watt, Carolyn

Kendall Buchter, Bruce Michael,Cassandra Seidenfeld Lyster and AlixMichel were among the notable Hamptoniteshosting the 29th Annual Fred & Adele AstaireAwards, the only awards honoring excellence indance and choreography on Broadway and infilm, at the NYU Skirball Center for thePerforming Arts. Top honors went to AnythingGoes’ Sutton Foster (Best Female Dancer),Catch Me if You Can’s Norbert Leo Butz (BestMale Dancer), Mao’s Last Dancer’s GraemeMurphy and Janet Vernon (Best FilmChoreographers) and Jacques d’Amboise(Douglas Watt Lifetime Achievement Award).The star-studded crowd included Brian StokesMitchell, Maurice Hines, Ava AstaireMcKenzie, Bebe Neuwirth, Lee Roy Reams,Wendy Federman and Kathleen Marshall

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Dan’s Papers January 7, 2011 danspapers.com

1445

lengths to describe the unique “platform” expe-rience at the beach end of this 12-minute run.

“Due to restrictions by the EPA,”Commissioner Aspinall said, “we were notallowed to build a platform on the ocean side ofthe dunes from which riders could disembark,”he said. “But we made lemonade out oflemons!”

At the end of the ride, the Commissionersaid, the train arrives on its tracks inside themouth of the sand dune, (which explains the“cave”) and its arrival trips a switch.

“Automatically,” the Commissioner contin-ued, holding out his right arm, “the tracks withthis three-car train on them slowly extends out

60 feet into the sunshine toward the ocean.After it clangs into place and locks, a metalpanel slides out sideways to form a platformalong one side of the train and a metal stairlowers down to the beach 20 feet below. Thepassengers then disembark and go down thestairs, then the new passengers are allowed toclimb up the stairs and board. After that, thedoors close and the shuttle goes back the otherway to Main Street.”

The shuttle train consists of three brand newsubway cars, the two end ones in their turnbecoming either an engine or a caboose, withthe center one featuring a hot dog wagon andbenches for the elderly and disabled. As it’s

only a 12-minute trip, the beachgoers arehappy to stand, hanging onto their beach gearand the overhead straps.

This reporter was honored to be among thosewho attended the inaugural 12-minute tripdown to Cooper’s Beach, to the party held forus under the tent at the beach there and thenthe 12-minute trip back up to Main Street.

It is easy to find the entrance to the shuttleunderground in the dark inside theSouthampton station. The regular trains runeast to west, with the arrows pointing to WaterMill one way and to Shinnecock the other. Butthen, at the back of the platform, there is anentrance that is 90 degrees to the south. Youjust walk down there 80 feet, and there you areon an entirely new platform. Tunes by theBeach Boys waft from an overhead speaker.You swipe your card a second time—the firsttime gets you to the regular platform—and forjust an additional $2, half of which goes to acharity that helps keep the planet green—there you are.

The exterior of the three new shuttle carsare shiny white with gay scenes of the beachpainted by artist Mickey Paraskevas to includebeach balls, surfers, umbrellas, seals, million-aires, kids with ice cream cones, girls in bikinisand surfcasters. The sun painted on the out-side shines (even in the darkness of theSouthampton platform) with some sort ofsparkly lights that are embedded into the exte-rior of the spur train. They accent theParaskavas paintings or vice versa. In anycase, the train, like some sort of rocket ship,awaits.

As for this new platform, unlike the regulardingy main Southampton platform, it sparklestoo. There is lots of artificial light, there arepalm trees at the corners, peacocks runningaround free all over.

From the new platform, we were all crowdedinto the three cars, but it was great fun. Amongthose I mingled with were Alec Baldwin, BillyJoel, Chuck Scarborough, BarbaraleeDiamonstein-Spielvogel, Ambassador CarlSpielvogel, Gwyneth Paltrow, Ina Garten,Sarabeth Levine, Christie Brinkley, MercedesReuhl, Matt Lauer and Elie Tahari. Everyonewas all dressed in the obligatory costume forthe grand opening, described in the invita-tions, which was bathing attire and whitechanging robes.

And so, the subway train lurched off. It’s anamazing experience heading down through thedarkness, the smell of the hot dogs mixing withthe oils and tanning lotions of the attendeesand the chatter about Alec Baldwin’s latestplay, Billy Joel’s new book and ChristieBrinkley in that new Broadway Show.

I of course hobnobbed easily with everyone.The really amazing thing came as we

approached the end of this short trip. The trainslowed. The sunshine appeared as a dot infront of us—something like what they say is anend of life experience— then expanded into alight and then a full-blown beautiful day. Afterwe came to a halt, this amazing thing hap-pened. The entire three-car subway train, withsome odd but not really scary rocking, seemed

Beach (continued from page 35)


(continued on page 74)3723


By Dan RattinerLast Friday morning, over breakfast, I read a

front-page story in The New York Times about aman who was predicting that the world wouldcome to an end on Saturday.

I was very concerned about this. It’s one thingto see a bedraggled fellow in sandals and a whiterobe going down the sidewalk carrying a sign tothat effect. What does he know? But it’s anotherto see a prominent story on the front page of TheNew York Times about it.

I looked at my watch. It was 8 a.m. There werejust 16 hours to go. But then I thought, what thehell? This is ridiculous. But then another voicesaid what if it is true?

I know a lot of people who calmly carry on withtheir lives not worrying about things like this.They say they take things as they come up. I amnot one of them. I worry about everything all thetime.

Then I thought I ought to write about thisworld coming to an end thing and my reaction tothe prospect of it. But then I thought, why dothat? Dan’s Papers comes out next Thursday. Ifnobody reads it, the writing of it would be a bigwaste of time. So then I decided to wait untilafter Saturday to see what would happen. I couldwrite it then.

As near as I could understand it, for years, an89-year-old retired civil engineer named Harold

Camping has been predicting that the end wouldcome on this date. He has made millions of dol-lars with this prediction, assembling this enor-mous group of followers who, going to differentchurches he created around the country andsending money into a radio station called FamilyRadio he started, believed him when he said thatSaturday, May 21, 2011, would be it. It was exact-ly 7,000 years since Noah and the Ark and thegreat flood that wiped everything out and 7,000years was all we were going to get to make thingsright. On May 21, the divine spirit would swoopdown in a great rapture, gather up 200,000 faith-ful followers, and then leave the rest of us to die

Hope You Read ThisIf the World Ends, Writing This Story Will Have Been For Nothing

Hope You Read This

WILL THE SAG HARBOR NEON BE NEXT?By Dan Rattiner

Last week, after over two years of vigorous andcontinuous debate, the Village of Sag Harborfinally ruled that the fabulous 16’ 1” sculptureentitled “Legs,” done by the late artist LarryRivers, standing on the lawn of the home of JanetLehr and Ruth Vered, has got to go. They are inviolation of at least four sections of the Villagecode.

It does not matter that Lehr and Vered are the

owners of probably the most influential artgallery on the East End. It also doesn’t matterthat their home there on Madison and Henrywas originally a church, and later an art gallery,and after that the home of the celebrated artistAbraham Rattner who used the main interiornave as his art studio.

There are violations. The legs, as an accessorystructure, are less than the required number—34 feet—from the property line. They are taller

than the maximum height allowed for accessorystructures of 15 feet. (They are 16 feet, one inchand the ordinance inspector, bearing a searchwarrant, did the measurement last September.)You could consider the legs as a mounted objecton the side of the building however, since theyare attached with brackets, but in that case, thelegs are still in violation, extending out furtherfrom the house than the maximum allowed 18


(continued on next page)

3361

in the worldwide earthquakes that would beginon this day, or if we survived them, variousplagues, tornados, famines, typhoons and floodsfinally ending in a great fireball on October 31,which would consume everything that was left.

Apparently, there were quite a number of fol-lowers of Harold Camping. Maybe as many asthe whole 200,000 allowed, and now with the dayalmost at hand, Mr. Camping was sending themout with leaflets and fliers all over to warn peo-ple of the coming apocalypse. Mr. Camping alsohad purchased billboards and other advertisingspaces to announce what was coming.

The New York Times reporter who had writtenthis front page article interviewed Abby andRobert Carson, who had driven to New York Cityin a van with their three teenage children tohand out fliers and leaflets, and visit some oftheir old friends in the city to whom they intend-ed to say goodbye. In anticipation of this, Abbyquit her nursing job, they ceased fixing up theirhouse and they stopped putting money in theirsavings account college fund for their kids. Whybother?

“I have mixed feelings,” said Abby. “I’m veryexcited about the Lord’s return, but I’m fearfulthat my children might get left behind. But youhave to accept God’s will.”

Their teenage children, however, were not sosure about all of this. One of them, Joseph, saidhe was not a believer as his parents were and hetried to keep his friends as far away from his par-ents as possible. Another, Grace, who is 16, said,“my mom has told me directly that I’m not goingto get into heaven. At first it was really upset-

ting, but it’s what she honestly believes.”The Times reporter, Ashley Parker, also inter-

viewed a man named Gary Daniels, 27, who hadalso driven to New York to say goodbye to rela-tives in Brooklyn. This would be later on Friday.Because late Friday night he was planning toreturn to his home in Newark, Delaware, towatch television the next morning and see thefirst earthquakes hitting New Zealand, wherethe day, Saturday, begins, and then continuesalong all over the rest of the world.

“I know I’m not going to see them again,” hesaid, referring to his relatives. “I weep to knowthat they don’t have any idea that this over-whelming thing is coming right at them, pum-meling toward them like a meteor.”

I didn’t pay much attention to this story for therest of Friday because I was pretty busy withthis and that, but at 11 that night, a bolt of fearsuddenly went through me. In another hour itwould be midnight.

“I wonder if the earthquakes are going to joltus awake in the middle of the night?” I asked mywife.

“What earthquakes?”My wife is one of those people who doesn’t

worry about things until it’s time to worry aboutthem. Then I thought I had read somewhere thaton Saturday we would be having the end of theworld, it would begin to happen at 6 p.m. So thenI went to sleep.

Did you know that years ago there was a guyhere on eastern Long Island who very famouslypredicted that the world would end on February6, 1925? He was a housepainter and paperhang-

er named Robert Reidt, and he lived in a smallhouse on a hill in Yaphank, Long Island, not farfrom where the Brookhaven National Laboratoryis today. I’d read about this as I recall in a coffeetable history book called LONG ISLAND HIS-TORY published by Newsday some years ago,and now here it was in a sidebar article inFriday’s Times, with much written from the frontpage coverage that the Times had given the storyfor three consecutive days leading up to the endof the world back in 1925.

Here is the Times coverage on the first of thethree days before the end. The reporter notedwho was at Reidt’s house chanting, praying, fast-ing and subsiding only on carrots and water.

“Reidt, a pale-faced, fat little man of 33 (wasthere, along with) his buxom German wife, fourpallid, frightened-looking children between theages of 6 and 12, who repeat their father’s storyin pathetic, parrot-like sentences, a bearded oldfarmer known only as Mr. Downs, a middle-agedspinster, a youth of 23 and four blacks fromValley Stream.”

Reidt had made his prophesy based on thedates he’d read about in the works of a SeventhDay Adventist named Margaret Rowen. Theworld would end at one minute after midnight onFebruary 6, 1925.

That night, newspaper reporters, photogra-phers and newsreel filmmakers from all overLong Island and New York City came out to hishome and set up lights on the front lawn in thehopes that he would come out at midnight to seethe signs from heaven and the death and

End (continued from previous page)




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inches. The legs are female after all and thehips are wider than the 18 inches.

There was a fourth violation but for themoment, in the absence of my copy of the finaldecision, which I seem to have misplaced, Icannot tell you what it is.

The truth is, however, that none of this mat-tered to the powers that be in Sag Harbor.What mattered was that the neighbors did notlike looking out their windows at sexy legs 16feet high. And what mattered to the neighborsis what mattered to the Village Trustees.These were registered voters. The Trusteeswould find a way.

The truth also is that all through SagHarbor and elsewhere in the Hamptons, there

exist wonderful sculptural works of art onfront lawns of great estates that would surely,by the same measure, be in violation of one oranother of these sections of Village code, thatare left alone. Works of art are wonderful.There are also other objects in Sag Harbor,archways, gatehouses, metal gates, gazingglobes, tombstones and bird baths that arenow in violation and should be removed butwill not. For example, the sacred five-fot-tallneon SAG HARBOR sign bolted to the frontwall of the Sag Harbor Theatre will have tocome down. It extends out 22 inches, far morethan the allowed 18.

Why none of these things will come downhowever is that none of them are disembodied

16-foot tall very outrageous, naked, sexy whitelegs. And that’s the problem. There is nothingin the code that differentiates a statue of legsfrom a statue of, say, Lieutenant ColonelJonathan Meigs, the Revolutionary War herowho led the famous nighttime Meigs’ Raidagainst the British, resulting in the burning of12 British ships, the killing of six Redcoatsand the making off with 90 British prisoners.The Village historians and Trustees wouldprostrate themselves in ecstasy before a 16-foot-tall statue of this war hero.

This is Sag Harbor, after all, an old whalingvillage where some of the stores are still momand pop-owned, all the history is accurate, andwhere there’s a metal kiddy ride horse in frontof the Sag Harbor Variety Five and Ten intowhich you can put a quarter and enjoy watch-ing the horse try very gently to displace yourfour-year-old while playing merry-go-roundmusic. In the 40 years it’s been there, it hasnever succeeded. Come to think of it, thathorse also will have to go. It too is an accesso-ry structure less than 34 feet from the proper-ty line.

Will Lehr and Vered challenge this decisionin the courts and fight for their first amend-ment rights all the way up to the SupremeCourt? Will Lehr and Vered now wait 60 daysand if all the other things in violation do notcome down, go on a wild rampage tearing thetown’s offending law-breaking violationsapart? Stay tuned for the next episode of JanetLehr, Vered, Larry Rivers’ “Legs” and the SagHarbor Village Trustees.

Accessory (continued from page 39)


destruction that would follow.At five minutes to midnight, one of the

reporters knocked on his front door and asked ifhe was coming out. There was no answer. But atexactly midnight, out he came. Flashbulbspopped and the magnesium lights of themoviemakers flared and Reidt shaded his eyesand looked up into the night sky as best as hecould. Then at two minutes past midnight hewent back indoors.

The world did not end, but the next morning,Reidt was interviewed and he said yes he hadseen the sign in the sky but it was hard to seebecause he had been blinded by all the magne-sium movie flares people were setting off. Thenext day after that, he and his family moved outof this area, leaving all their possessions behind.

DOOM APOSTLE LEAVES IN FORD, NOT INCLOUD, headlined The New York Times.

Well, I am writing this sitting outside by ourpool in East Hampton on Saturday, May 21, at 4p.m.

It’s a sunny beautiful afternoon with the tem-peratures in the 70s and so far nothing has hap-pened, but of course the day is not done.

I sure hope you are reading this on Thursday.As I said, one thing I really hate is taking thetime to write something that never appears inthe paper and nobody gets to read. So I’m takinga chance here.

There’s nothing so far from New Zealand any-way, at least according to FOX online.

End (continued from page 40)

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By Dan RattinerIn this week’s issue of the Montauk Pioneer,

the sister publication of Dan’s Papers, PaulSimon, the rock star who has lived in Montaukfor the past 26 years, talks about his love for thisplace—its beauty, simplicity and character. Healso loves it because it is so remote.

He observes that Napeague provides a kind ofbuffer zone between Montaukers and the main-land: “If you have to pass Napeague, it’s likeyou’re going on a Lewis and Clark expedition.”

With this in mind, I would like to report onsomething amazing that happened during 24hours between Wednesday and Thursday inMontauk and East Hampton. When certainrumors went out on Wednesday at Town Hall in

East Hampton, 14 miles from Montauk, an out-rage of messages on Facebook, more than 500 ofthem, unlike any ever seen before in these parts,caused the East Hampton Town Board tobackpedal, give up on and then denounce a newlaw affecting Montauk that they had passed justsix months ago. Over 1,300 people showed theirsupport on Facebook. Following along on whathappened as a good newspaperman, I have to sayI have not witnessed anything like this. Ever.

There are about six road ends at beaches inMontauk, where in the summertime, vendors invending trucks can park and, if they have a per-mit from the town, sell their wares. Their waresusually are sandwiches, sodas and ice creamcones, but can also include burritos, lobster rolls

and iced coffee.It’s been a bit of a Wild West scene over the

years with the vending trucks coming and goingand their owners arguing with one another, butit has not become any big deal. One particularvending truck in Montauk is Lili Adams’ DITCHWITCH, which has, for the last 17 years, parkedevery summer at Ditch Plains Beach in the lotadjacent to the East Deck Motel. As Ditch Plainshas become famous the world over as a majorsurfing beach (Montauk was ranked last year asnumber eight in American surfing destinations),so, along with it, has the Ditch Witch. Other ven-dor trucks are part of other scenes, not only in

Power to the PeopleMontaukers Rise Up and the EH Town Board Denounces Itself

Power to the People

TAKING TIME OUT TO REMEMBER OUR HEROESBy T.J. Clemente

On Memorial Day the American people,according to Congressman Tim Bishop, “Takethe opportunity to do something they shoulddo every day, that is say thank you to all theveterans who died defending our countryand its freedom.” Last summer, JosephTheinert, 24, of Shelter Island, a lieutenantin the 71st Cavalry Regiment of the U.S.Army, was added to that list when he waskilled in a truck bombing in Kandahar,

Afghanistan. It was Theinert’s first tour ofduty overseas. In 2008, Sag Harbor residentLance Corporal Jordan Haerter, 19, a rifle-man in the Marine Corps, was killed inaction in Ramadi, Iraq. The faces and memo-ries of these two local boys who gave theircountry the ultimate sacrifice by offeringtheir lives to protect our freedoms is justwhat Memorial Day is all about.

The history of sacrifice for the cause offreedom on the East End perhaps starts with

the brave actions of the local Hamptonspatriots assisting Washington’s retreat afterhis defeat in the Battle of Long Island. Thosesoldiers who died then started a long list oflocal heroes long gone, but never forgotten.We remember them by placing smallAmerican flags at all the local cemeteries.Attending local parades and festivities is ajewel of the American experience. The prideand patriotism one feels while watching his



Nic

ole

Cam

pbel

l

Ditch Plains at sunset.

3362

the six locations in Montauk, but in two locationsin Amagansett, all within the jurisdiction of theEast Hampton Town Board. But few rank upthere with the affection afforded Lili Adams andher Ditch Witch.

Indeed, nothing should have come up about thebeach vendor trucks in Montauk andAmagansett at all this past winter, except thatthe Town, buckling under the financial excessesof a recently deposed high-spending town super-visor, was now focused on fixing things. Indeed,the new supervisor, Bill Wilkinson, has beenlooking in every nook and cranny to see how hecould raise money and cut costs. In January, hispeople looked at the beach vendor wagon scene.The permits were $250. That was not very much.Why not raise the price to $4,000? That would bebetter. Better yet, why don’t we hold a bid inApril where the prospective beach vendors canstart at $4,000 and go up and up and up? Withonly 8 spots, it might raise about $32,000 theTown didn’t have before. It wasn’t much, but itwould be something.

So in late February, the new regime announcedthe new law and the bidding that would accom-pany it. Then they went about forming a commit-tee to see on what basis they would judge thewinners. It wouldn’t be fair, they thought, to justsell it to the highest bidder. Mr. Moneybags fromGreat Neck might win. Donald Trump mightwin. You had to have a level playing field.

And so in February, in the heart of the winterwhen people in this town have very little to do,the Town had this committee sit down and in a

series of meetings come up with parameters thatwould help the judges decide who would win.Meeting after meeting was held. Proposals werevoted through. Other proposals were shelved. Inthe end—and these parameters were only subse-quently really known to the vendors when theygot this sheet telling them about the judging—they came up with this:

Thirty percent of the judging points would gofor a bidder’s attention to experience, qualifica-tions, suitability of the food provided to beachgo-ers and financial capabilities. Thirty percent on abusiness and marketing plan, and 40% on “pro-posed financial terms,” which meant the season-al rent that would be paid to the town.

Montauk is pretty dead in the wintertime.None of the beach trucks are out of course,although the brave surfers in their wet suits are.Nobody seemed to pay much mind to this pro-posed fundraising effort by the town, which—ifthey were paying the people on the committee bythe hour—would surely result in a net loss for allthis no matter how much anybody bid.

In April, I was down at Indian Wells Beach inAmagansett and ran into Kenny Preuss, who forat least 10 years has been working at that spot.His truck is The Dune Doggie. That morning, hewas walking his dog.

“How ya’ doin?” I asked. “You bidding?”“Yeah. Last year it was $250. Now it’s 10 times

that. I don’t know if I’ll win and if I do, if I couldmake a living at that.”

He seemed discouraged. I wished him luck.Last Wednesday morning, the committee pre-

sented its decision to the secretaries at the TownBoard. They were to type up the names of thewinners for the official Town Board meetingThursday night in East Hampton. Within anhour, everybody knew the names. At IndianWells, the owner of the popular Dune Doggie hadwon. At some of the Montauk beaches though,there were stunning defeats. Lili, after 17 yearsat Ditch Plains by East Deck, would be gone,replaced by some up-island outfit that would beselling lobster rolls at $17 a pop, and the priceswould go up from there. Farther to the west atthe big parking lot for Ditch Plains, there wouldno longer be the popular Beach Dog vendorwagon run by the Bogetti family for the past 10years. That site now belonged to another new-comer, Montaco. At other locations, Paddy Wagonwon the spot on West Lake Drive. Gin BeachWagon had won the spot on East Lake Drive.Both had bid unopposed, it turned out.

The peninsula of Montauk is about 12 mileslong and three miles wide. Just about everybodyis here getting ready for the summer withMemorial Day this weekend. Suddenly, aFacebook page appeared called SAVE THEDITCH WITCH and all through that day mes-sages came in. Another site was set up forBEACH DOG. Messages came in there too.

If on Wednesday morning word went aroundMontauk that the two big local vendors were out,by nightfall the word went out that these siteswere up. It was sites like these that had then ledto the protests in the squares in Cairo and else-


Ditch (continued from previous page)


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By Dan RattinerThe annual Dan’s Papers Potatohampton

Minithon, which will take place this year onSaturday morning, June 4, was founded by thiswriter 33 years ago, on May 28, 1978. I’d like totell you about that day.

At 8 a.m. that sunny morning, my girlfriendand I and several other employees of Dan’sPapers threw some banners, folding tables,chairs, registration forms, cash and an emptycigar box into a delivery van and drove it all upto the parking lot of what is today the KmartShopping Center in Bridgehampton.

Our starting gun would go off at 9 a.m. (run-ners who had urged me to have this race said therunners were dedicated souls who would want tostart early), and so I thought since there mightbe a hundred of them or more since we had beenadvertising it in Dan’s Papers so vigorously for

three weeks, we ought to start it in a big parkinglot nearby. That would be what is now Kmart.We’d be in and out in half an hour before theyopened. They’d never know we had been there.

We didn’t have one hundred people who want-ed to run in this race. We had five hundred. Andby five minutes to nine, with those registeredwaiting in astonishment at the long lines of otherrunners hoping to still do so at our single regis-tration table in the parking lot, everybody beganto get angry. The $10 registration fees had beengoing into the cigar box. (The charity wasSouthampton Hospital.) We had numbers wegave out but they ended at 200, and we had runout of pins, as I stood with Marty Lang, theSouthampton Town Supervisor (he would makea speech and fire the starting gun) and watchedall this in alarm. Then, suddenly, one of our edi-tors stood up by the registration table and sim-

ply took matters into his own hands, literally.“That’s IT!!” he shouted. He grabbed the regis-

tration slips, lists, numbers and the cigar boxand simply heaved them up in the air as high ashe could to waft down in great fluttering piecesinto the wind.

I moved toward that crowd of people. Thenstopped.

“Everybody over to the starting line,” he shout-ed. I forget this fellow’s name, actually I havenever forgotten this fellow’s name, but I am notgoing to tell you who he is even now.

And with that, everybody—both registeredand unregistered—ran over to the starting line,which was located at the eastern entrance to theshopping center, where it spills out onto SnakeHollow Road, and made a big crowd facing north.They already knew the route. I had printed up

My Vivid Memories of all That Went Wrong on May 16, 1978

ACTOR ALEC BALDWIN’S GIFT TO GUILD HALLBy David Lion Rattiner

Alec Baldwin is a Hamptons hero. He hasbecome part of the upper echelon of celebrity,and is now an American icon—and he lives inthe Hamptons.

Recently, I laughed out loud while watching acommercial for Capital One Bank in which AlecBaldwin is in New York City and is visiting var-ious New York landmarks, talking about CapitalOne Bank and greeting the Capital One Vikingsat the end of the commercial at Lincoln Center,

which he describes as one of his most favoriteplaces in the world.

When you see Alec Baldwin on screen and hewants to be funny, you just get charmed by him.He’s simply hilarious. He doesn’t even need to doanything anymore he is so funny. I literallycould watch a video of Alec Baldwin staring at acamera saying nothing, and if he were trying tobe funny, I would laugh. How he has this talent,I do not know, but we are all lucky that this tal-ent is within a person who cares about the com-

munity in which he lives.Alec Baldwin got a big payday from the

Capital One commercials, and instead of buyinga fancy yacht or something, he decided to give itaway to organizations that make New York, andI dare say, the Hamptons what they are allabout—the arts. Alec Baldwin has been spear-heading a promotion and fundraising effort forGuild Hall in East Hampton since before it wasfashionable to do so. And so he just gave



The First PotatohamptonThe First Potatohampton

or her neighbors march in a Memorial Dayparade is an important part of the nationalfabric.

Here is a list of Memorial Day eventshappening here on Monday:

In Sag Harbor, the Sag Harbor MemorialDay Parade starts at 9 a.m. atMashashimuet Park, going down MainStreet and ending at the American LegionPost on Bay Street. When I attended thisparade in the past, I just couldn’t help feel-ing the historic presence of parades in thistimeless Main Street Sag Harbor Village.

The East Hampton Memorial Day Paradestarts at 11 a.m. at Guild Hall on MainStreet and marches east to the EastHampton Village Monument across from thepost office and next to the Windmill. I haveattended this parade a few times and it fea-tures lots of fire engine sirens and local chil-dren with their parents in historic cars.Again with the beautiful East HamptonVillage in high feather the feeling is wonder-ful. It is a flag-waving, fun, small-townmoment. For information contact the EastHampton Chamber of Commerce at 631-324-0362.

The Southampton Memorial Day Servicestarts at 11 a.m. on Jobs Lane with a routeto Agawam Park. For more informationabout the SH parade call 631-283-1623. Forthose west of the Shinnecock Canal there areMemorial Day Parades in both HamptonBays and Westhampton/Quogue. The

Hampton Bays Memorial Day Parade startsat 10 a.m. at 55 Ponquogue Avenue inHampton Bays and ends at the cemetery in awreath placement ceremony. Hampton Baysparade information is available by calling631-728-0342. For all those in theWesthampton area the WesthamptonMemorial Day Parade starts at 11 a.m. onMontauk Highway Station Roadin Westhampton. The ceremony is at theWesthampton Cemetery War Memorial witha reception immediately following at theVFW Hall on Montauk Highway in Quogue.For information about theWesthampton parade call 631-288-3263.

In Montauk on Memorial Day Weekend,there will be a two-day (Sunday, May 29 andMonday, May 30) event. On Sunday at 12:30p.m., marchers will gather for the first“Montauk Memorial Parade of Flags” near

the Montauk Post Office. The celebrationstarts on the Village Green early onMemorial Day, Monday, with Reveille andflag raising at 8 a.m. Any U.S. Veteran inter-ested in enjoying a free Dinner for Vets,donated by The Old Harbor House onSunday the 29, please contact Ken at 516-527-8593. Dinner will include a video pres-entation of Red Skelton’s famous emotionalroutine about “The Pledge of Allegiance.”

Just a few weeks back, I visitedWashington, D.C., and took the time to visitboth the Vietnam War Memorial and theWorld War II Memorial. Seeing somany names carved into stone makes onetake pause to realize the hundreds of thou-sands of American men and women, somereally just boys and girls, who died defendingour futures.

Joseph Theinert and Jordan Haerter, whomost likely attended a few of these parades,are now on the long list of those who haveperished on battlefields. I attended PelhamMemorial High School located on a formerAmerican Revolution Battle Field wherealmost every local militiaman there died inan attempt to delay the British from reach-ing Washington’s forces. On top of the HighSchool auditorium are the words, “Honorhere the morals for which they fought.” OnMonday May 30, 2011, it is our collectivehonor as a nation to thank all who servedand died. They live through the freedom thatendures.

Memorial (continued from page 43)


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and Hamptonites Jean Shafiroff, RobertLyster, Caroline Lieberman, RichardNovak, Don Duga, Berry Brown andAndrew Wargo. Sara Johnson Kaplan andJamie Watkins were benefit co-chairs. Theevening was directed by Joe Lanteri. Theawards were founded by the late drama criticDouglas Watt of Southampton and FredAstaire. Long Island’s Dynamic DanceCompany closed the show with an electrifyingfinale.

* * *Robert Zimmerman of Southampton has

been appointed by Governor Andrew M.Cuomo to the Spending and GovernmentEfficiency (SAGE) Commission. SAGE is thefirst major redesign of state government sinceGovernor Alfred E. Smith in 1927. The 20-member commission has been established tomodernize and right-size state government,improve performance, increase accountabilityand save taxpayers money.

* * *The pilot episode of “Revenge,” set in the

Hamptons, was picked up by ABC for its fall line-up. Emily Van Camp, from “Everwood,” starsas Emily Thorne. The cast also includesMadeleine Stowe, Gabriel Mann, HenryCzerny, Ashley Madekwe, Nick Wechsler,Josh Bowman, Christa B. Allen and ConnorPaolo. “Revenge” was created by Mike Kelley,the man behind CBS’s short-lived but criticallyacclaimed series “Swingtown.” Phillip Noyce,the director of Angelina Jolie films Salt andThe Bone Collector, as well as Harrison Fordfilms Patriot Games and Clear and PresentDanger, directed the pilot. Marty Bowen andWyck Godfrey, the executive producers of theTwilight film series, produced. USA cable net-work’s show based in the Hamptons, “RoyalPains,” wrapped up filming of its third seasonlast month.

* * *Hamptonites Jerry Seinfeld and Kelsey

Grammer joined Tom Hanks, Alicia Keys,Michael Jordan, Gayle King, Stevie Wonderand others at the Four Seasons hotel in Chicagolast week for a star-studded blowout celebratingOprah’s last show. Bridgehampton’s Madonnaalso participated by filming a segment for a trib-ute episode honoring the talk show queen.

* * *After signing off “CBS Evening News” for good

last week, South Forker Katie Couric celebrat-ed her five-year gig with friends at a late-nightparty at Manhattan’s 1Oak.

* * *Amagansett resident Gwyneth Paltrow may

have more time to spend at the beach this sum-mer since her rumored country record deal withAtlantic has reportedly fizzled out. SaidPaltrow’s rep, “Atlantic was not the only compa-ny pursuing her…it is still something she’s con-



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200 8-by-11-inch sheets ofpaper and folded them intofour-page booklets with themap as one of the items on it,and so there it was.

And they were off. Theywhooped and hollered and rannorth up toward ScuttleholeRoad. Marty and I, quite a bitbehind all these athletes andstill in the parking lot, lookedat one another. Marty hadbought the Town RecreationDepartment Starter Pistol.

“Just aim it at my head,” I told him. Neither of

us laughed.Well, the more responsible

members of my staff, mostlythe women, were now walkingaround picking up the litter ofthe failed registration, and sothat was being taken care of.And so, with that, I told Martythank you very much andthen with my girlfriend gotinto my car, and we went out

onto Snake Hollow Road andsoon caught up to the runners

where that road turns into Mitchell Lane andheads for a mile or so up to Scuttlehole. They

were beginning to spread out behind a leader ina long line of pumping runners in various color-ful costumes, and they were kind of a blur as wewent by and off to the open road ahead.

There were no signs on trees about where toturn for this race. There were no police officers atany of the turns. There were no water stops any-where. Unaware of the protocol of running arace—this was the first public race ever held inthe Hamptons—I had no idea of what I wasdoing, was just making it up as I went along andwas now just so blissfully happy to have createdthis monstrosity, so much larger than what I hadconceived, and so roared on.

It was my girlfriend who was driving, actually.I had my camera with me, a long-lens Canon,and I was leaning out the window taking pic-tures of the crowd thundering along behind.

But then, a dark thought came over me. I haddiscovered this big problem just a week beforethe race. And it might be that people could getkilled.

“Pull way ahead,” I told my girlfriend. “Turnleft at Hayground. We have got to get to the rail-road crossing fast!”

Here is what I had done a month before therace. I had set out a route that would take run-ners past some of the most beautiful scenery wehad. My idea at that time was—this was longbefore we were jammed with summer visitorsand at the time we wanted MORE visitors—thatif I brought the runners past the beautifulscenery on a Sunday morning right duringMemorial Day Weekend, at the end of the race,they’d tell their friends and family and more peo-ple would come out to the Hamptons, meaningmore $$ for the merchants and after that moreadvertising for us.

I had selected a route heading off norththrough the farm fields of Mitchell, left ontoScuttlehole past the three magnificent pondsand potato fields there, left onto Hayground pastthe dairy farm, across the railroad tracks andsouth to the Montauk Highway and then downinto Sagaponack to the beautiful little bridge andthe old Sagaponack General Store and two-roomschoolhouse and the windmill. It would be just adazzling display for those running in this race.

And crossing the railroad tracks would not bea problem. Everybody would go off at the start-ing line just a hundred yards south of the trackswhen there was no train coming. They’d be in abig clump. What were there anyway, two trains aday? What could go wrong?

But then as race week approached I thoughtabout it. Maybe I ought to check. And so it was, aweek before the event that, just to be sure, Icalled the railroad to find out when those timeswould be at those crossings, at Snake Hollowgoing northbound and at Hayground goingsouthbound, and what I found out was that thetrain would pass going eastbound full steamahead at 9:14 a.m., just 14 minutes after thestart! The runners would be crossing southboundfor the second time, at Hayground, exactly whenthe train was coming through!

“Can you ask the train to wait?” I asked.“No. It has to keep to a schedule.”“What could you do?”“We could have it slow way down and honk a

Potato (continued from page 45)



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$250,000 to Guild Hall and he also gave moneyto the Hamptons International Film Festival, inaddition to other institutions in New York Citythat support the arts. All of this money camefrom the money that he recently earned fromhis latest Capital One commercial, and to top offthe gesture, Baldwin negotiated with CapitalOne in advance, as part of their agreement withBaldwin for Capital One to matching his dona-tions on their website to Americans for the Arts.

Baldwin stated in a press release, “My part-nership with Capital One serves as a platformto generate awareness about the need for artsfunding. Government funding has been signifi-cantly reduced and I think that is bad for artseducation and America’s cultural heritage.Guild Hall serves the community throughoutthe year by providing inspiring performances,films, readings and exhibitions, along with artseducation in schools and other activities thatare needed.”

The money that went to Guild Hall is verymuch needed, according to the ExecutiveDirector of Guild Hall, Ruth Appelhof. “Alec’sgenerous donation will help support our missionwhich is to nurture, cultivate and promote visu-al and performing artists on the East End. Over40,000 people visit Guild Hall every season.With the recent cut in government funding, weare depending more and more on private andcorporate giving to achieve our goals. We verymuch appreciate Alec’s support which will gotoward paying off the final $2 million left in ourCapital Campaign following our recent renova-tion.”

And it’s this kind of relentless fundraisingand effort that is required to keep arts in NewYork alive and well. Arts programs are alwaysscrambling to find money, especially in live the-atre and in local theatre, which constantly needbasic funding. You might be able to find localactors to get up on stage for free, but the woodand paint to build sets on the stage, the cost ofkeeping the lights on in the theater and all ofthe other expenses involved, are impossible todo without money.

So we could all learn a thing or two fromBaldwin this week, and we could all get outthere and see as clearly as he does the impor-tance of the arts and support them with a littlebread.

Alec (continued from page 45)

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Rumors Fly About the Blue ParrotBy T.J. Clemente

The original owner of the Blue Parrot LeeBieler has informed me that the present owner-ship of the Blue Parrot, which includes Jon BonJovi, Ron Perlman and Renee Zellweger seem tohave had enough of the East Hampton restau-rant business and are entertaining the idea ofputting the Parrot up for sale, after owning it fortwo years.

A long-time East End favorite for the Tex-Mexloving crowd, the Blue Parrot received its namein 1989 when Bieler, a Montauk/Hawaii dual cit-izen, was at his winter home in Hawaii. Bielerfrequented a Mexican restaurant there calledThe Blue Parrot (but in Spanish). A light went offin his head. The rest is East Hampton folklore.

Woody Harrelson, Mercedes Ruehl, CynthiaNixon, Alec Baldwin, Christie Brinkley, JimmyBuffett, Billy Joel and former Dolphins footballgreat Nick Buoniconti and Regis Philbin all useto stop in at least once a year to sample the mar-garita mix.

In fact, Bieler sold Bill Murray a poster fromthe restaurant’s bathroom and had a truly greatnight partying with Cheryl Tiegs. In his words,“when Cheryl Tiegs was Cheryl Tiegs.” In the lasttwo years the Parrot had visits from PaulMcCartney and a surprise mini Jon Bon Joviconcert, at which he quipped to the crowd, “Youdon’t get this at Nick & Toni’s.”

Tucked away off the East Hampton Villageparking lot, The Blue Parrot was not easily foundby the general public. But once discovered, thisquirky, laid-back Tex-Mex bar and restaurantthat came on the scene 22 years ago became afavorite watering hole for locals, summer rentersand celebrities alike. It was a place to let yourhair down.

The late author James Brady, while sipping aPacifico, the beer of choice at the Parrot, said tome, “It’s just a place off the Main Street whereyou feel like you’re right off the beach. That’swhat I put in my books, it has a pulse.” Perhaps,no longer.



lot.”I actually wrote about the possibility of the

train in the race program. The map noted the twocrossings. “If you get to the second crossing atHayground and the crossing gate comes downindicating the train is going to shortly passthrough,” I wrote, “just jog in place.”

What else could I do?We drove swiftly west down Scuttlehole and

turned left onto Hayground heading south. Therailroad crossing was about half a mile down.Two hundred yards beyond was the busyMontauk Highway with the police with theirflashing lights ready to stop the traffic so therace could cross over and head down intoSagaponack. I saw that the railroad crossinggates were still up. I crossed my fingers that wecould get across before they came down, and wedid. Now we were down near the melee of thepolice cars and flashing lights. I tried to make aU-Turn to go back to the railroad gate, but anofficer wouldn’t let me. He tried waving me on.

“Race is coming down Hayground,” he told me.“You can’t go back. Just come on through.” Hewas indicating the Montauk Highway.

“I’m running the race,” I said.He nodded, motioned for me to park on the

grass there, and in a flash we were out of the carand running up to the railroad gates. The lead-ers, three of them, were coming down Haygroundtoward us from far away. They were going tomake it. No they weren’t.

CLANG, CLANG, CLANG, the gates sounded.The lights flashed. And there it was, the gatesslowly lowered. Then I could hear the horn of thetrain, and then there it was, slowly just as theysaid it would be, coming, and coming and nowabout to come through. At this point the runnerswere now obediently running in place right onthe other side of the gate. And then I couldn’t seethem anymore as the train began crossing theroad.

But now I couldn’t bear to face them when thegates would come back up. I had screwed up theirrhythm and planning.

“Let’s run back to the highway,” I said to mygirlfriend.

And so we turned around and ran off, with the

(continued on next page) 3331

train still coming slowly through just as that manhad said it would, and so it was that we got backto the highway before the lead runners and I wasable to take a picture of them as they came down.

I looked behind me. There at that crossing ofthe Montauk Highway, the police had completelystopped all the traffic on Route 27 in both direc-tions. And then here came the leaders now, pastus, the five of them (two stragglers had caught upat the gate), in a bunch and safely across theMontauk Highway with the police holding all thetraffic up and down Newlight Lane and on intoSagaponack.

There was a big space after these first five. Andthen a few more runners came and then a fewmore. After three or four minutes, about 30 run-

ners had come through, and you could see up theroad that there was this endless line of runnersall spread out all the way up almost toScuttlehole.

I looked at the sergeant who was standing onthe white line of the highway in charge of theshutdown, and motioned to what was upHayground and he looked at me.

“I thought they were coming in a group alltogether,” he shouted at me frantically. “We canonly do this a few more minutes.”

“Aaaargh,” I said.And so, five minutes later, he did just that.

Now—and I was standing there watching this inhorror—it was just the cops slowing down all themotorists and the runners weaving between the

cars coming through individually and in packsand I just prayed that nobody was going to getkilled. I waited there watching this for onlyanother five minutes. I couldn’t bear to watch it.And so we got in the car and left to go to the fin-ish line. If somebody died, I just didn’t want to bethere.

This was long before people sued you over theslightest thing.

Well, I will end this commentary here. I willtell you that the race was won by MarcelPhillipe, who was a member of the FrenchOlympic track team. He commented to me as hecrossed the finish line in just over 30 minutesflat, that he could not possibly have run thatfast.

“Your course is too short,” he said. “It’s not10k.”

“I drove it and measured it on my carspeedometer,” I told him. “That was 10K.” Helooked at me blankly.

“You need professional people,” he said.Other people complained to me about other

things, the lack of water stops, the train, blahblah blah, and I thought what a bunch of wimps.But then a whole lot of other people congratulat-ed me and told me what a wonderful thing thiswas and I should just concentrate on fixing it fornext year.

So that’s the story of the first Dan’sPotatohampton Minithon Race ever, back in theday, when the New York Marathon was in itsinfancy and us pioneers were not yet deified forwhat we did to start the running race industry—though I do bow down to the Boston Marathon,of course, which had been going on a long time bythen.

Since then, we’ve run the race more or lesssmoothly. It’s no longer a 10k. It’s a 5k. In thepast, we’ve had potato farmers show up at thefinish line and hand out sacks of potatoes to theparticipants. We’ve had a psychiatrist on duty atthe Sagg Bridge, which on the day of our racewas in a weakened state about to be repairedand closed to car traffic and it was the psychia-trist’s job to see to it that the participants tiptoedacross. (The psychiatrist came from a researchdivision of Stony Brook Hospital, which was thebeneficiary that year.) That went well. There wasthe time people came in costume and ran as, forexample, a couple of French-fried potatoes.

And there was the time when we ran it in 100-degree heat and the leader of the race collapsedjust a quarter mile before the finish line. (Helived.) And there was the time when the entirecommunity was flooded with torrential rains andalthough on rain day it was sunny we had to can-cel because the route was in some places some-thing you would have to wade waist deepthrough.

It’s all been great fun. See you at 8:30 a.m. onthe morning of June 4, in the little two-acreMilitia Park on Ocean Road in Bridgehampton,just 50yards south of the Montauk Highway onthe west side, where Almond Restaurant has justre-opened. One lucky runner who pre-registerswill get a chance to win a $500 bike donated byTwin Forks Bicycles of Riverhead, which will beraffled off on race day.

We don’t cross the tracks anymore. Good ideathat decision, too.



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Week of May 27- June 3, 2011Riders this week: 11,821Rider miles this week: 106,847DOWN IN THE TUBE Writer Jay McInerney was seen on the same

subway train between Bridgehampton and SagHarbor as Jon Stewart and Tina Fey, but each ofthem was on the train at a different time,McInerney in the morning, Stewart in the after-noon and Fey around 7 p.m. Why were they goingaround separately like this?

GOING GREENAs I am sure you are aware, the subway sys-

tem is now festooned with big green signs withwhite letters that read HAMPTON SUBWAYGOES GREEN in honor of the campaign to teachpeople how important it is to save the environ-ment. In the coming weeks, however, these signsare coming down as we have learned that thepaint company we hired to make these signs hasbeen charged by a government agency with usingcheap, outlawed lead-based paint on all the signs

they produce. Since in response, the company,called Bubbling Brook Signs, has gone out ofbusiness, it remains to be seen how soon we willbe able to get them redone and back up.

MEMORIAL DAYHampton Subway is fully prepared for the

crowds of Memorial Day. All 30 of our “pushers”are going through physical training programs tobe strong enough to herd people from the plat-forms into the subway cars beginning on Friday.And to our fleet of 36 subway cars, we are addingan additional six, lent to us by the West PalmBeach Subway System. Do not be confused if thesubway you board says West Palm Beach on it.It’s really just for the weekend.

RIVAL SUBWAY SYSTEM IDEA DEFEATEDThe Hamptons Town Council has rejected an

application for a SECOND subway system forthe Hamptons to be called the EE Subway(stands for East End—get it?). The plan, puttogether by Russian Oligarth Jawara Badanov,who recently bought a house on Meadow Lane inSouthampton, was turned down by a vote of 4-3.Reportedly, his house, which he paid $44 millionfor, is now back on the market at $27 million,first come first served.

NEW SUBWAY TO THE BEACHThe editors of this newsletter were as shocked

as anybody to learn on Tuesday that two newspurs have secretly been added to the line, onefrom Main Street Southampton to Cooper’sBeach and the other from Main Street EastHampton to Main Beach. The Southampton Spuropened for business with a ribbon cutting on theplatform at Main Beach last Saturday, reported-ly with Israeli President Benjamin Netenyahuand China’s Prime Minister Wen Hu holding upthe two ends. We have no idea who will beattending and holding the ribbon up in EastHampton, although it is rumored it might beLady Gaga.

BUMP REPAIREDRiders have long hung onto their seats in

recent years as the subway passes this spotabout midway between Quogue and Quiogue,where there is a kind of speedbump. All subwayconductors are required to call out “here comesthe speedbump,” just before that spot is reached,and as a result of that order, there have been noincidents or injuries when the subway passesover.

Experts hired by Hampton Subway say thisspeedbump, a lurch upwards of about eight inch-es for a four-foot stretch, say that it was causedby a very tiny earthquake, the tiniest earth-quake ever to hit the United States at 0.04,which was measured here in 1974.

Well now, our workmen have repaired thisbump, using a bulldozer rigged up with subwaywheels, which was towed out to that part of thetunnel last Wednesday night and during the fourhours the subway is closed for maintenance, didthe work. Now everything is smooth as a goose.

After the work was done, many of the subwayconductors say they shouted out “here comes thespeedbump” just out of habit, and the peoplehung on though there was no speedbump, and ittook them most of the day to remember eachtime not to say that.

FUNDRAISER FOR THE SUBWAYBeginning this weekend, Hampton Subway

volunteers are going to be sitting in chairsbehind folding tables on the platforms, asking



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I heard a joke that I really like about twoweeks ago and I can’t help from retelling itover and over again. This happens to all of usevery once in a while, and we can’t help butrepeat the joke over and over.

Relax, it’s a clean joke. Just read it, you willlaugh.

A bird was flying south for the winter, and itwas freezing cold outside. He was pushingalong real hard and was flying by himselfbecause he had fallen behind from the rest ofthe flock. It wasn’t long before he got so cold,that his right wing froze and it sent him soar-ing to the ground with a hard thud, breakinghis wing.

Now a bird without a wing is in really badshape, especially in the wintertime, and thisbird knew that things could not get any worse.He sort of knew that his life was over anddecided that he was going to accept his fateand die with dignity.

As he was saying his final prayers, a cowwalked over to the bird on the ground and sawthe bird there, still breathing, but with a bro-

ken wing. The cow thought it wouldbe funny if he would poop on thebird and walk away, sort of as a sickjoke. This particular cow was a com-plete jerk.

So the bird opened his eyes as heprepared for a dignified death, onlyto discover that he had been com-pletely covered with poop. “This isno way to die,” he said to himself, and he beganto cry he was so humiliated.

But as he lay there, covered in cow poop,waiting for death, he noticed that he was feel-ing more and more comfortable over time. Thepoop was insulating him from the cold and wasactually keeping him warm. The bird wasslightly confused, but as time went on, henoticed that the smell was no longer botheringhim and then realized that there was absolute-ly no way he was going to freeze to deaththanks to it.

The entire winter went by, and the birdstayed very still on his back, making sure thathe was using as little energy as possible sothat he wouldn’t starve to death, and before heknew it, the cold was gone, his wing was healedand all that he really needed to worry aboutwas how deep in crap he was.

This made the bird so happy, that he startedto sing. It was one of the most beautiful songsthat he ever sang, and he sang it louder andlouder. There was one beautiful harmony afteranother, the bird was so happy to be alive, hesimply couldn’t stop from screaming out hisbest bird singing.

His singing however, drew the attention of a

cat.The cat walked over to the pile of

crap, where he heard birdsong com-ing from. The cat then investigatedthe crap, brushing it away, and dis-covered a healthy, happy bird justlying there.

And pretty much instantly, andwithout any warning to the bird, the

cat pinned the bird to the ground with itsclaws and ate him.

The cat then walked away, going about hisbusiness, never really knowing or caring aboutthe entire ordeal that the bird had gonethrough over the last couple of months.

And the moral of the story is:Not everybody that craps on you is your

enemy.Not everybody that gets you out of crap is

your friend.And if you are in really deep crap, you should

keep your mouth shut.

TWENTYSOMETHING

by David Lion Rattiner

straphangers as they come through to donatewhatever they can spare to help pay for thetwo new Subway lines to the beach. The origi-nal cost estimates were exceeded dramaticallybecause much of it had to be built in secrecyand workmen were not clear when to show upand on what days so the work moved along infits and starts. Please be generous.

Subway (continued from page 56)


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Where Heroes Come FromI don’t know where heroes go.But I do know where they come from.They come from the Southwest with tolerance

from working in hot desert suns.They come from the Northwest with strong

arms from working in the forests.They come from the Great Plains where they

inhale freedom with every breath.They come from Mid-western farms with

strong backs and clear minds.They come from Texas with attitude.They come from the sweltering South with

stubborn determination.They come from the mid-Atlantic seaboard

with senses sharpened by the sea.They come from New England with patriotism

and ingenuity.And sometimes they even come from small

islands, not even recorded on most maps. Theycome with common sense, straightforwardmorality and an understanding of communitylove and loyalty, so much so, that, like our Joe,they’d forfeit their lives for the greater good.

No, I don’t know where heroes go.But I do know where they come from.


THE SHELTEREDISLANDER

by Sally Flynn

RAIN, RAIN GO AWAYDuring this past week of driving rain, many

people headed down to the subway platforms todry out. We did a brisk umbrella-selling businessdown there. The deal was you could get a subwaycard and swipe your way to stand on the plat-form, or you could buy an umbrella, which werebeing sold by our token booth people, but youcouldn’t be allowed back up onto the streetunless you did one or the other. Our subway secu-rity guards did a simply wonderful job attendingto this. The umbrellas say “I LOVE HAMPTONSUBWAY.”

NEW SUBWAY TREADS FOR THE STAIRSThe new slip-proof, rubberized tread covers for

the stairs going up and down to all the subwayplatforms have arrived at our Hampton Baysheadquarters and will be installed in the weekafter Memorial Day. They will make things a loteasier for people, especially those who are dis-abled and cannot climb stairs.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGEI have personally invited President Barack

Obama to attend and perhaps hold one of theends of the ribbon at the inaugural ribbon-cut-ting on the Southampton Subway platform thisSaturday at noon. (Lady Gaga might hold theother end.) It would be a great honor if he wereto show up, as it would showcase small subwaysystems all around the United States, if there areothers in addition to ours. Aides to the Presidentsay he is seriously considering our request andmay cut his European tour short, but a lot woulddepend upon the schedule of the Pope, because hecannot miss that meeting.

Subway (continued from previous page)

37333097

Twice a SpyIt seems inevitable that after 9/11, spy nov-

els, trying to keep up with truths stranger thanfiction, such as shoe bomber plots, would growevermore complicated and technological. So it

was just a matter of time, perhaps, before theline was crossed between real-world terrorismand intelligence intrigue, and surreal, over-the-top takes on these. Count New York Timesbestselling author Keith Thomson among themasters of this serio-satiric genre. Last year’sOnce a Spy is being made into a movie by SonyPictures, and Twice a Spy, just out(Doubleday), continues the fun and gamesbetween the ever-shifting good and bad guys,with some laugh-out-loud moments and zany,absurdist romps.

What we didn’t know about “rumint” (rumorintelligence) or ADMs (atomic demolitionmunitions) that can be disguised as washingmachines or videos hidden in staplers, or SDRs(surveillance detection routes), or microscopictransponders fired into coats! “Cutouts”

abound (pawns set up by intelligence groups),and aliases and code references pile up withsuch speed that even the main characters for-get who’s who and what’s what. When thedirector of the CIA is asked what NESTmeans, as in NEST teams being deployed “inwaters between Saint Lucia and the coast ofIndia,” he replies, “Oh . . .uh, NuclearEmergency Search . . . something.”

At least one of the principals has reason toforget: he’s Drummond Clark, held over fromOnce a Spy, a retired CIA top op now deepinto Alzheimer’s, though in lucid moments hecan fly complex planes, fling small objects atenemies with deadly accuracy and exercisesubtle martial arts maneuvers. Drummond,in Switzerland for experimental treatmentsfor Alzheimer’s, is on the lam from the CIA,along with his son, mathematical whiz andracetrack addict Charlie Clark. Though notuntil two weeks ago was Charlie aware thathis father was anything but a washingmachine salesman (“Who knew?”). They havebeen set up by the CIA whose agents are outto get them at the same time that terroristsare out to buy the ADM. Charlie wants toclear their names but is wary of involving hisfather. Drummond insists, however, because,well, because of Charlie’s son. “I don’t have ason,” Charlie says, to which Dad replies, “Youought to.”

Thomson knows how to deliver a fast-paced,dizzying yarn that playfully invites the read-er to recognize the game. When Charlie’s love,NSA agent Alice Rutherford, suggests thatthey “head back to Geneva,” Charlie knowsshe really means, “leave for Gstaad.” It goeslike that. Often with an admixture of little-known lore. Did you know that there are 244McDonald’s in India? Or that Dijon is not onlythe mustard center of Europe but “home tothe most dazzling collection of medieval andRenaissance buildings in the world?”

Although he now lives in Alabama, with hiswife and two small children, Thomson, whoused to summer regularly in Bridgehamptonand has family on the East End, participatedin Bookhampton’s May 15-17 MysteryWeekend. He’s a former editorial cartoonistfor Newsday and often writes about “natsec”(national security) and intelligence mattersfor The Huffington Post. His bio also notesthat he is a former semipro baseball player inFrance, a filmmaker (Sundance) and ascreenwriter. The most often-asked questionof him at readings, he says, is whether he’sever been in the CIA, and when he says no,the rejoinder is that only a tried-and-truespook would say that. But now, in a generousmoment, he’s going to “tell the whole, unex-purgated story” – as long as it’s kept“between him and the readers of Dan’sPapers.” Yes, he was indeed in the CIA: “onthe night of December 13, 2008. For a confer-ence.” And to share a drink with then agencyhead Michael Hayden. “Actually, we each hadour own drink.”

Note: It’s not necessary to have read thefirst book to enjoy the sequel. It’s obvious,Thomson’s on a roll. Look for the sequel tothe sequel!

Twice A Spy by Keith Thomson is availablelocally and online.


BY THE BOOK

by Joan Baum

LOVE

HAMPTONS

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where that led to the overthrow of the govern-ments in Egypt and Tunisia in recent months.These were big deals. What was happening inMontauk was not a big deal. It was a VERY bigdeal.

Also during that Wednesday afternoon, callscame raining into town hall from Montaukers,and also from reporters looking for comments.

“It wasn’t the Town Board’s fault that DitchWitch lost,” siad one member of the Board. “Itwas the Ditch Witch’s fault. They did not make agood enough proposal to win.”

Postings to the two sites now were coming infrom all over.

Sam Pa’e of Hawaii posted this:“I have just found out of this situation in

Montauk. It is a sad moment for me and my heartgoes out to Lili and the beach-going community ofDitch Plains. As a newcomer from Hawaii, theDitch Witch welcomed me in, watching my per-sonal belongings and keeping them safe while Iwas there last summer…Lili made me feel athome and part of the Ditch Witch Ohana, whichin Hawaii we call “Family”…My heart will be for-ever grateful for what Lili has done for me andsharing her ‘Aloha.’”

Laura Michaels posted this:“Dear East Hampton Town Board. While the

formal awarding of the beach concessions havenot been made, it appears that there is great con-cern amongst the Montauk and East Hamptoncommunity that the Ditch Witch, which has been

a fixture of Ditch Plains, may not be awarded theright to continue to serve the community as shehas for so many years. Quite simply, Ditch willnot be the same without the Ditch Witch.

John Behan, one of the most respected men inMontauk and a former state assemblyman, hadthis to say.

“The town board is for the dogs—the DitchWitch will live forever!!!”

In another five hours, waves of people wrote tothe site, heaping insult upon insult onto theheads of the East Hampton Town Board. ByWednesday night, the total number of postingsexceeded 1,000.

The Town Board, very shaken, assembled onThursday afternoon for a special, hastily-calledmeeting. Town Supervisor Bill Wilkinson set thetone of what was to follow. He held up the sheafof paper showing the winning bidders.

“Because of the number of inquiries we are get-ting, we are stepping in to review the originalproposals. For instance, the first thing that jumpsoff the page at us is this Turf Lobster Rolls ven-dor that wins at Ditch Plains. They have a verylimited menu. It starts at $17 for a lobster roll.”

Councilman Dominick Stanzione said henoticed some minor tabulation errors in the pointscoring when it came down to between DitchWitch and Turf Lobster Rolls.

Town Councilwoman Theresa Quigley said,“I’ve reviewed the proposals submitted and real-ize that the bidders hadn’t been given a detailedbreakdown of the points to be assigned in eachsubcategory. I think that renders the bids

Ditch (continued from page 44)



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sidering.”* * *

In an appearance on “Access Hollywood” lastweek, Sag Harbor’s Christie Brinkley said ex-hubby Billy Joel advised her to get singing les-sons as soon as he heard she’d be playing RoxieHart in Broadway’s Chicago. The fellowHamptons crooner claimed she needed to learnhow to project her voice so that it reached theback of the room.

* * *“Terra Nova,” the new show from executive

producer and East Hampton resident StevenSpielberg, will lead FOX’s 2011-2012 lineup.The sci-fi drama follows a family as they travelback in time to prehistoric earth and try to savethe human race.

* * *Amagansett’s Alec Baldwin will join Mark

Wahlberg and Will Ferrell in ThreeMississippi, a comedy about a family who startsplaying an annual football game after watchingthe Kennedys play during Thanksgiving.Baldwin plays a dying father who asks hisestranged son to lead their team to victory.

* * *Several popular Hamptons restaurants made

the top 10 in Zagat’s 2011/2012 guide, includingDave’s Grill in Montauk, Starr Boggs inWesthampton Beach, Mirko’s in Water Mill,Plaza Café in Southampton and Stone CreekInn in East Quogue. Southold’s North ForkTable and Inn snagged the top spot.

* * *Elie Tahari and Julie and Bruce Menin

will be honored at the Phoenix HouseSummer Party, on Saturday, June 25 at theSouthampton oceanfront home of Margie andMichael Loeb. Haley and Jason Binn, TonyDiSanto and Charlie Walk are the HonoraryChairs. Event Chairs are Heide Banks, TanyaZuckerbrot Beyer and Glenn Beyer, RoseMarie Bravo, CBE, Stephanie and FrankDoroff, Robin and Gerald Lefcourt, Jeffreyand Ashley McDermott, Pamela Morgan,Andrew Rosen, Michael Slocum, GailTobias and Jennifer Zeller. All proceeds ben-efit Phoenix House’s two East End programs: theresidential facility in Wainscott and the out-patient clinic in East Hampton.

* * *Dan Rattiner and his trusty dog Moo will

lead the June 11 Paws Across the HamptonsDog Walk along with Ellen Scarborough,Sandra McConnell and Chris Obetz, KarenLeFrak, Peter Hallock, SouthamptonVillage Mayor Mark Epley, SouthamptonHospital VP Robert Ross, Debbie Bancroft,Andy Sabin and Sally Fan, Jean Remmel,Little Fitzsimmons, the Shafiroff family andothers, all with their respective dogs. Check-in is9:30 a.m. at Southampton High School. All tobenefit the Southampton Animal ShelterFoundation.


(continued fromt page 48)

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It’s good that you’re sitting for this.It is shocking but true—no glossy nationalmagazine has ever asked the HamptonsEpicure for her list of top 10 favorite things.

In an effort to quell the ever-growingbreathless anticipation, here they are:

1. Local Farmers Markets. All local farm-ers markets are fabu because they offer thefreshest, most local, in-season fruits and veg-etables there are. It makes environmental,as well as nutritional sense, to shop at yourlocal farmers market. I go to three. SagHarbor’s I can walk to and do so religiously.Hayground is on Fridays, so I pick up abunch of stuff for summer weekends there.The Springs Farmers Market is the neweston the South Fork, so I’m fascinated with itand have to check it out. It started last yearon Tuesdays in Ashawagh Hall. It’s about tore-open on Saturdays. See Dan’s Day-By-Daycalendar on page 155 for days and times.

2. Blossom Meadows Candles. These NorthFork-made candles burn longer, brighter andcleaner than any others I’ve tried. I’ve tried

them all; I have something of a candle fixa-tion (see also items number 3 and 4). Plus,these candles exude a light wild floweryscent when burned. Conveniently, I can pickthem up from Respectable Collectables, myfave gifty shop on Henry Road inSouthampton. Blossommeadow.com.

3. Those Little Sticky Things That KeepTaper Candles In Place. I had to look at thepackage to see what they’re called,“Candlesfasts by the A. I. Root Company.” Ibuy them from Loaves and Fishes Cookshopin Bridgehampton. This brand melts awaywith the candle so there’s no need to cleanout residue. Whenever I pop into Loaves andFishes, I also grab some French magazinesand take a few minutes to ogle the latest LeCreuset pieces. landfcookshop.com.

4. Thrift. Thursday at St. Ann’s Thrift Shopin Bridgehampton. Saturdays at DominicanSisters Thrift Shop in Sag Harbor. TheJunque Shop, L.V.I.S. and Trader Bill’s oncea month. This is the routine that works forme. St. Ann’s offers designer whatnots and,sometimes, credenzas. Dominican Sisterscould have anything. Last week I bought anantique Italian lamp for $10, the week beforeit was a 25-cent skein of variegated yarn.L.V.I.S. is good for cookware and servingware. There’s only one Trader Bill’s…inGreenport..it rocks. Of course I buy all theold pillar candles and tealights I see.

5. Halsey’s Apples and Cider. I’m fromupstate, I know from apples and cider. I’vepicked and pressed my own and I come froma long line of apple pie bakers. When Mr.Halsey advised me to try using Pink Lady

apples in my pies I was skeptical, but I gaveit a whirl. He gilded my lily! You can buy allthe Halsey’s farm products at The Milk PailCountry Store on Montauk Highway andfrom The Milk Pail Farm Store on Horse MillLane, both in Water Mill.

6. The Seafood Shop. Everyone who livesout here has a seafood shop that they swearby. The Seafood Shop on Montauk Highwayin Wainscott is mine. The best is when theybring their fresh fish to the Sag HarborFarmers Market.

7. Southampton Trails PreservationSociety Hikes and Walking Tours. And to beeven further “inside”—volunteer Tony Garrois my fave hike and tour leader. This manreally does his research!Southamptontrails.org.

8. Easthampton Bowl. For the bowling, notthe food. In the off-season, at certain times,you can get a lane with no neighbors andreally “let her rip.”

9. Silvia Lehrer’s newest cookbook,Savoring the Hamptons, Discovering theFood and Wine of Long Island’s East End.Published by Running Press, with a forwardby East End foodie Alan Alda. Yum!

10. Goat on a Boat Puppet Theatre. “Goat”was a necessity when my son was little. NowI go by myself. With live national and inter-national touring acts, The Goat offers thebest entertainment bargain around.Goatonaboat.org.

Note to national glossy magazine editors: Icould easily throw in some designery faves. Iam a huge John Derian fan and I’ve beenknown to channel Coco Chanel. Call me?


3907

HAMPTONS EPICUREStacy Dermont


By David Lion Rattiner You probably know Darrell Hammond

and you probably have a favorite“Saturday Night Live” skit that he per-formed during his tenure of 14 years onthe show, the longest of any SNL comedi-an. He is simply laugh-out-loudfunny…whether he is doing his bestimpersonation of Bill Clinton or GeorgeBush, or asking Will Ferrell to take “TheRapists” for $700 on “Celebrity Jeopardy”(that’s “therapists”), while impersonatingSean Connery.

The guy is just awesome.With Bay Street Theatre in Sag Harbor

celebrating its 20th season, Hammondwill be playing the role of Truman Capotein the play TRU, which will run at thetheater from May 31 to June 26. Ofcourse, a lot of people are going to see thisshow to see Darrell Hammond play therole, and you can get tickets to it inadvance should you be so interested.

Hammond, having made his enormouscareer out of comedy, didn’t start out as acomedian. He was more of a sports guy.

“I grew up in Melbourne, Florida. I wasreally into baseball when I was a kid. Iplayed outfield, I pitched and I played in theBabe Ruth League. Then, I was known for beingan athlete.”

It wasn’t until college that Hammond learnedthat he had a talent for acting. “I went to theUniversity of Florida, and Brevard CommunityCollege, and got a degree in advertising and aminor in theatre. When I was in college I did aplay called, When Are You Comin’ Back RedRider? I sort of just gave it a shot. I had beenplaying baseball for a lot of years and I don’tknow, I just saw a brochure forsome theatre classes and needed tofulfill a minor in college, so I decid-ed to give it a try. I got some reallypositive feedback from it and Idecided to see what I could do withit.”

It was at that point thatHammond decided he was going tomake the leap and attempt whatmany fail at, becoming an actor inNew York.

“I moved to New York at 21 anddid five plays, but I got tired of thelifestyle and moved back to Florida when NewYork City beat me down in the beginning. I didthe classic schedule of waiting tables and livingthe poor actor’s life. I’d get a job in a play andthen would have to quit my job waiting tables. Itwas really tough. The beginning of an actor’scareer is always really tough. I moved back toFlorida and it sort of felt like it was the end ofmy dream. I even moved back in with my par-ents.”

But what Hammond thought was the end wasreally just the beginning for him. His move backto Florida lead him towards a career in radio,which led to some name recognition. “While backat home I got a job in radio doing voice-overwork and things like that. Eventually I was able

to get hired with a big radio station in Orlandocalled BJ105, which was a pop station. Fromthere, my name started getting really out there.I started doing stand-up and radio and got myconfidence back up and moved back to NewYork. When I moved back, I felt like I could real-ly make something happen there.”

With newfound confidence and back in the bigcity, opportunities presented themselves andHammond started getting noticed. “I knew thatat the time there was a lot of work in the tri-state area. So I figured that I’d be able to get intoone of the comedy clubs there. The first one I gotinto was the Comedy Cellar, where just abouteverybody you’ve ever heard of has worked in orstarted at. I got enough attention there that

Caroline’s started using me as a stand-upand that is when SNL spotted me…thatwas my big break. That was THE break.”

With the power of “Saturday Night Live”and the strength of his personality on cam-era, Hammond was able to rocket to thetop echelon of comedy, a place where veryfew men have stood. Interestingly, whatmade Hammond hilarious on SNL wasn’treally part of his act before he got there.Hammond, who is known for his spot-onimpressions, was never really that guyuntil SNL. “I wasn’t really doing impres-sions anymore by the time SNL found me,but when I went to work for SNL, thatbecame a big part of my life. I enjoyed mytime at SNL very much. At the end ofevery show, if I thought I did well I feltgreat…99% of working for “SaturdayNight Live” is amazing. The hardest partof it would be on Saturday, where the pres-sure would be really high to perform andthat was when I really felt like it waswork. The most amazing part of SNL wasgetting to meet a few of the presidents. Igot to shake hands with Bill Clinton andGeorge Bush Senior as well as GeorgeBush Junior, both of whom were very nice

guys. Working for SNL feels really special. It’shard to get on it, it’s hard to leave it and it’s real-ly magic.”

Hammond also loves the East End, especiallySag Harbor, where he enjoys performing at BayStreet. “Years ago I did a couple of plays at BayStreet Theatre and I really enjoyed it. Myfavorite part of the East End is that little hubarea down by the Bay Street Theatre where youcan walk along the water or grab an ice cream ora pizza at those little shops. I stayed at the

American Hotel recently and I loveit there…I like where the gym is bythe Bay Street Theatre, and theCorner Bar…I love the Corner Bar!And B. Smiths! It’s no secret, every-body loves it here, it’s a great place,you can’t beat it. I usually rent ahouse when I’m out here, but it’spretty much included with what Ido for Bay Street. I’ve stayed atsome really amazing houses, reallynice farmhouses, really nice.”

The only thing that Hammonddoesn’t like to do is swim in the

ocean. Visit the ocean yes, swim in it, no. “I godown to the beaches on the East End and theyare beautiful, but I never jump in the water, I’mnot much of a swimmer. When I was 19 inFlorida, I saw two hammerheads up close andthat was it for me. I’m not able to describe thelevel of fear that I experienced with that.”

Check out Darrell Hammond as TrumanCapote at Bay Street Theatre in Sag Harbor thissummer. You aren’t going to want to miss thechance to see this guy on stage.

TRU, written by Jay Presson Allen and direct-ed by Judith Ivey. Bay Street Theatre, 1 Bay St.,Sag Harbor. May 31 through June 26, 8 p.m. BoxOffice: 631-725-9500, [email protected].

Who’s Here

DarrellHammond,

Actor

“My favorite part of the East End is thatlittle hub area down by the Bay StreetTheatre where you can walk along the

water or grab and ice cream.”


1182

Bill & Ed and the Men of the Greatest Generation

By Sharon McKeeBill Gallo died on May 10. The legendary New

York Daily News sports cartoonist and columnistwas 88 years old and had worked at the paper fornearly 70 years. Gallo started as a copy boy atage 18, left briefly to fight in World War II, andreturned to the Daily News where he worked upuntil his death. He was described as a lovinghusband, father, grandfather, great-grandfatherand a proud member of the U.S. Marine Corps,4th Marine Division.

Bill Gallo is mourned by millions of New Yorksports fans…indeed anyone who followed NewYork sports teams naturally followed Bill Gallo. Iremember my father Ed, in the ‘50s and ‘60s,commuting on the LIRR from our home inWantagh to his job at Texaco in the city, readingthe Daily News, back to front, for the sports. Inthe ‘70s and early ‘80s, I followed sports myself. Iworked for a decade at Sports Illustrated, adream job that allowed me, among other things,to collect autographed covers or photos, which Iwould proudly share with my father and myyounger brother Mitch: Muhammad Ali, Pelé,Thurman Munson, Catfish Hunter, ReggieJackson, Jimmy Connors and Mitch’s all-timefavorites, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issuecovergirls Christie Brinkley and Cheryl Tiegs.

But the autograph our family prized above allothers belonged to sports cartoonist extraordi-naire Bill Gallo. I met him on February 25, 1985,on a bitter cold Monday in Manhattan. Earlythat morning my dad called me at my office ask-ing, “Do you have the Sunday News?” I didn’t.But I ran to the newsstand on the corner andthey still had a copy. It seemed that Bill Gallohad written a story on the 40th anniversary ofthe Battle of Iwo Jima, and in that story he rana photo from his personal collection of his 4thMarine Division buddies on a troopship boundfor Iwo in 1945. And there was my dad, at age 19,in the upper left-hand corner of the photo. Gallowas kneeling, far right, in the front row.

I wasted no time. I ran across town to the DailyNews building on 42nd Street between Secondand Third and announced myself to the recep-

tionist. I told her of my mission and Bill Gallosaid, “send her right up.” And there, in his office,I pointed to Ed in the photo asking if the cartoon-ist remembered him and would he autograph thepage with a message to my dad. He was very gra-cious about it, and chatted with me for a longwhile. I told him my dad hardly ever talkedabout the war and that I had learned more fromthis article than I had previously known abouthis service. Like the fact that they spent 45 dayson Iwo Jima, fighting to win it back “inch byinch.”

That night I met my dad for a drink and pre-sented him the signed newspaper, but not beforeI photocopied it five times for other members of

the family who like me would treasure the tro-phy. My dad was thrilled. Up until then he hadno idea the famous Bill Gallo was in his division,just as Bill Gallo had not actually rememberedEd. But that wasn’t the point. They had sharedthe experience that no one who had beenthrough that war could forget. (My dad in factremembered things differently; the troopshipwasn’t Iwo-bound, it was returning home. Thatwould account for the relaxed and smilingdemeanor of the young men in the photo.)

Years passed and the photocopies were framed

and hung with pride of place in various rooms



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to silently extend itself out from the sand duneand into the sky. It moved out slowly. It waslike an erection. There were some squeaks andgroans, the whooga-whooga sound of “keepclear” horns, the clanging of warning bells andthe flashing of red lights, then a second snap-ping of something into place. Then this tinnywoman’s voice overhead said “please hold on tothe straps.” Finally, a platform miraculouslyappeared alongside the subway cars in the skyand the doors opened to—Cooper’s Beach!! Youjust have to climb down this metal stairway.But first, of course, you have to stand up thereoutside the subway high up and look!!

And what an experience THAT was. I havenever seen the ocean from this perspective,

suspended in the air 20 feet up with a bunch ofcelebrities and dignitaries. The seagulls andterns swoop around. The chefs and bartendersbelow in their white uniforms waiting for uslook up from their tents. And there we are!!

We can smell the good things to eat below,mixing with the salty smell of the sea and itsdecaying sea life. What a treat!

During the next hour and a half, we enjoyedourselves down there on the beach listening tothe Jim Turner Band and Vivian and theMerry Makers while the shuttle—now seenfrom below doing its thing sticking out andretracting over and over—brought down fivetrainloads of people including the entire thirdgrade of PS 842 in Bushwick, Brooklyn, mem-

bers of a surfing class in Hampton Bays, agroup of tourists from Chinatown and a gaggleof hang gliders from Bay Shore—and with that,our stomachs filled with treats from nine localrestaurants and our senses dazzled, weclimbed back up to the next shuttle—“theretractable rocket” it has already beendubbed— and made our way home back totown.

I should mention before I forget this inter-view I had with a “guard” who stands the wholetime at the bottom of the metal ladder leadingup to where the train sticks out of the dune. Hewas dressed in bathing garb from the 1930s,black undershirt, black shorts etc., and he wasthere, he said, to make sure nobody climbed upthe dune and into the cave between the timesthe trains come and go. He carried a rowboatoar as a weapon.

“You have to stand here all day?”“Yes. There’s no door at the opening. Can’t

have a door up there, they say. So I have towatch. Somebody could get killed if they climbup there at the wrong time.”

“Do you have to wear this uniform all thetime? Or is this just for the grand opening?”

“It’s for all the time.”Next Saturday, there will be the grand open-

ing of the East Hampton Main Beach shuttlespur, presided over once again by SubwayCommissioner Bill Aspinall, this time joined byChevy Chase, Mort Zuckerman, actress LoriSinger, East Hampton Town Mayor PaulRickenbach, Steven Spielberg, Rick Moranis,Barry Sonnenfeld, Paul Simon, East HamptonTown Supervisor Bill Wilkinson and EastHampton Environmental Chief Larry Penny.

One failure should be mentioned. It had orig-inally been planned for their to be a thirdbeach subway shuttle, going fromWesthampton Beach Main Street toComsequogue County Beach on Dune Road,but something went wrong in the tunnelhalfway there and it had to be abandoned. Hadit succeeded, there would have been a third rib-bon cutting, one week after this next one inEast Hampton. But it didn’t.

Well, two out of three ain’t bad!!See you in East Hampton Saturday at 9:30

a.m.—at the subway entrance at the crossroadsin the center of town, Main Street andNewtown Lane for the shuttle launch there.


Beach (continued from page 38)

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