WHATHAPPENSWHENYOUASKChetanBhagat,India'shighest-sellingauthorinEnglish,writerofFivePointSomeone- WhatNottoDoatliT!,OneNight@theCallCenterand The3 MistakesofMyLife.towritea shortstory?Yougetastorythat goesstraightto the heartofoneofthe biggestissuesyoungpeoplefacetoday

VERYONE WILL giveyou an opinion on howto live your life. No one,no one will give you

good advice on how to end it. Worse, theywill tell you to continue living. without anyrespect for individual choice. Yes, hi, I'mGautam Arora, and after eighteen won-derful years in Delhi, I've decided to endmy life.

Isat with my best friend Neeraj and hisgirlfriend Aqjali at Costa Coffee, DLFMetropolitan Mall in Saket. The coffee

is way overpriced. but considering I had aday to live, I didn't mind getting ripped olT.

"The joke isn't that fwmy," Neeraj said,tearing open the second sachet of brownsugar and mixing it for his girlfriend. If th-is girl can't mix sugar in her coffee, I w0-nder what she will be like after marriage.

"Do I look like I am joking? You are inmedical college, and as a {riend and some-onetwoyearselder to me, Iam askingyour advice on what is the most painless,graceful way to go. And ideally, it shouldbe available at the friendly neighbourhoodchemist," I said. I ordered a chocolatefudge cake. What are a few extra calorieson your last day?

Aqjali kept quiet, her iPod plugged inher ears. She had come to the mall toshop with her boyfriend rather than meetme. Neeraj said he only dated Aqjali asher father had given her a car and driver,which made it easy to go around. Besides,she looked ok. She was pretty enoughto invite a second stare from men,though that's hardly an achievement inDelhi where men's standards can be quitemodest.

"Dude, you topped your school. Howmuch did you score in your class XlIboards again?" Neeraj said.

"N'metytwo per cent," 1 said."Ninety what?" Neeraj said as he

ripped out Aqjali's earphones, "Anjali, the

dude scored ninety two per cent in com-merce! Do you know of anyone who hasscored that much?"

Aqjali shook her head.

"Wow, you must have studied a lot," shesaid.

I nodded. I had done nothing but studyin the last two years.

"No time for hobbies?" She said.

I shook my head. My only hobbies wereeating three meals and sleeping fivehours a day. The rest of the time was withmy books.

"With ninety two, you should be fine,"Neeraj said,

"Not according to SRCC, not accordingto Stephen's and not according to Hindu,oh what the heck," I said as I opened myrucksack.

I gave him the special admissions sup-plement from the newspaper. I hadsnucked it out early morning so mom anddad wouldn't see it.

"Wow, check out Lady Sri Ram. RComHonours is at 95.5 per cent'" Neeraj said.

"That's a girl's college," Aqjali said."I know,"I said."Don'tworry, he wouldn't have made it

anyway. Aqjali, why don't you go spendsome of your father's money,"Neeraj saidand winked at me.

Aqjali and I both gave Neeraj a dirtylook. Neeraj air-kissed Aqjali and ges-tured to her to leave.

I

II.

I

I

I

I

SeriousIy, don't kill yourself. To us,you are still the school topper,"Neeraj said after Aqjali left.

"So what do I do?" I said, my voiceloud, "stsy back in school? This toppertag makea things worse. My parentsalready threw a party for our friends andrelatives like I have made it big time inlife. I cut a cake with the icing 'familysuperstar'."

"Nice,"Neeraj said."Not nice at all. All relatives congratu-

lated my mother. They see me as the nexthotshot investment banker on WallStreet. The least they expect me to do isget into a good coUege in DU;

"There are still some colleges that youwill get," Neeraj said as I cut him olT.

"But none with the same brand value.Thus, you can't get a decent job afterthem. You can't get into the top MBAschool."

Neeraj pushed my coffee cup towardsme. I hadn't touched it. I picked it up andbrought it close to my mouth but couldn'tdrink it.

"I made one tiny-calculation error inmy math paper," I said, "read one stupidunit conversion wrong. That's it. If only.....

"If only you could chill out. You are

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:5SUNDAYMAGAZINEJUlY26. 2009 5

going to college, dude! Branded or not,it is always fun."

"Screw fun," I said"What kind oCkids are they taking

in anyway?" Neernj said "you have tobe a bean-counter stickler to get nine-ty seven per cent. Like someone whonever takes chances and revises the

paper twenty times.""I don't know, I revised it five times.

That stupid calculation...""Gaur.am.relax. That paper is done.

And sticklers don't do well in life.Innovative and imaginative people do."

"That's not what DU thinks. You

don't understand. my Cather has pro-claimed in his office I will join SRCC. Ican't go to him with a second rung col-lege admission. It's like his whole lifeimage will alter. Hell, I won't he able todeal with it myself."

An SMS from AI1jalion Neernj'sphone intemJ.pted our conversation.

At Kknaya, tried rab dress. Comeurgently, want your opinion.

Neernj typed the reply back.Honey, it looks great Buy itNeernj grinned as he showed me his

response."I think you should go," 1 said. Rich

dads' daughte... can throw prettynasty tantrums.

Neeraj took out the money for cof.Cee.I stopped him.

"My treat," 1 said. Leave peoplehappy on your last day, 1 thought.

"Of course. I take this as your treatCorcracking your boards," Neeraj saidand smiled. He rutI1ed my hair andleft.

I came out oCthe mall and took anauto home.

Imet my parents at the dinnertable. "So when will the universityannounce the cut-offs?" my father

said

"In a Cewdays," 1 said 1looked up atthe dining table Can.No, I couldn'thang myself. I can't bear suffocation.

My mother cut mangoes afier din-ner. The knife made me think oCslit-

ting my wrists. Too painful, I thoughtand dropped the idea.

"So now, my OffICepeople are ask.

. 6

WHENMYPARENTSWEREYOUNG,CERTAINCOllEGESWERECONSIDEREDPRESTIGIOUS.NOW,FORTYYEARSLATER,THESAMECOLLEGESARECONSIDEREDPRESTIGIOUS .

ing me, 'when is our party?',"myfather said as he took a slice.

"I told you to call them to the partywe did Corneighbours and relatives,"my mother said.

"How will they fit with your broth-e... and sisto...? My office people arevery sophisticated," my Cather said

"My brothe... are no less sophisti-cated They went to Singapore lastyear on vacation. At least they are bet-ter than your family," she said

My father laughed at my mother'ssullen expression. His happiness levelshad not receded since the day Ireceived my result.

"My OffICepeople wantdrinks, oot food. Don't worry,I'll do another one Corthem

when he gets into SRCC orStephen's."

My Cather worked in thesales division ofTata Tea. Wehad supplied our entire set oCneighbours with freetea for the last fwe

yoal'S. As a result, we bad more well-wishe... than I'd have liked.

"Even my country head called tocongratulate me CorGautam. He said -nothing like Stephen's Coryour bril-liant son," my Cather said

"Gupta aunty came from next door.She wanted to see if you can help herdaughter who is in class XI," my moth-er gajd.

Is she pretty, I wanted to ask, butdidn't. It didn't matter.

1 came to my room post dinner. Ihadn't quite zeroed down on the exactmethod, but thought I should startworking on the suicide letter anyway. Ididn'twant it to be oneof theclich~ones -llove you all and it is no one'sCault,and I'm sorry mom and dadYuck,just like first impressions, lastimpressions are important too. In Cact,I didn't want to dn any silly suicide let-ter. When it is your last, you'd hettermake it importanll decided to writeit to the education minister. 1switched

on my computer and went to theEducation Department website. HaIrthe site links were broken. There wasa link called "What afier class XII?" I

clicked on it, it took me to a blankpage with an under construction sign.1 sighed as I closed the site.

I opened Microooft Word to type.

Dear Edm:oDon M"1IIisW;

l/wpe you are doingfine ond the kJrgesla/f of your IlUJSSWebungalow is_-ing you welL I won~ tDlrenuu:hof yourtime.

rve JKlSS"dout of class X1l ond I'veda:iJkd to end my lif<.1sroml ninety-two per cent in my boards, ond I have aonefoothightrophyfrom my schooIforscoring the highest. However. there are somany trophy JwldingstudenI1Jin /:1mrounby ond sofew co/kg< seat3,that I didn~ get into a ro/kgPthat will train me to the

~ level or open upgood opportuniti4

I know I have screwed uplslwuld have wor/red harder toget anoth-er th per cent. However; I do want topoint out afew things to you. When myparmls were youn& W'tain co/kge$ wereronsidered~ Now,[orly yearslatn; the same co/kge$ areronsideredprestigious. What's interesting is that 110new co/kge$ have come up with the samebrand or reputation level.Neither havethe seoU expanded in existing collegesfast enough to~ the risingnumber of stwknt8.

l'/lgive you an example. Just doingsome meaningless surfing, I saw that 3.8ltJkhmruiitJote1Jtook the CBSE class Xl!

exam in 1999,a number that hasgrownro8.9ltJkhin2009. Thisisjustoneboard, ond if you tDlre ICSE ond oJJotherstate boards, the oJJInditJ totaJ number is

over ten times that ofCBSE. ~ proba-

bly had one crore studenI1J tJJking the

class X1l exam /:1myear.

While 1UJteveryone con get a good col-

lege soot, ljust want ro talk about the St>-ca1led good studmt£ The rop 10 per rent

alone of these one crvre students is tenltJkh drildren. Yes, these ten ltJkh studenI1J

are their class topper.;. In a dOss of fifty,

they wiU have the top.6 ranks.

HINDUSTANTIMES SUNDAYMAGAZINEJULY26. 2009

One coold all"' that these bright kidsdeserve a good co/kg< roreoJJse their full

potentW. Come ro think of it. it IOOUldb<goodfor our rounby /lJaifwe tToin ourbright dUkJren well ro b<part of the new,shinin& gkamin& gIistmjng or what,you ~ to caUthe globalised India.

But then, it looIa likRyou havestopped.making univenities.Are there ten ltJkhtop col.lege seoU in the roan-

.

try? Are there even one lakh? EverIJJOfUkred what happens ro the mt ofus,

year after year? Do wejoin a serond

rung co/kg<? A deemed university? AdisttUU>' learningprogramme? A degree

in an expensive, racist rounby?

Your government runs a WI of things.You run an airline that 1U!tWmakes 1M-

ney. You run hotels. You want ro b<

inoolved in making basic stoff Jike.stteJ

and aluminum, which can easily b< mam

by more efficient players. However; insometlUng os imporlont os shaping 1M

young generation, you have SUpped.

bad. You have Itopped making new uni.

versities. Why?

You have oJJthe land you want, teat:h-

en; love ro get agovernmentjolJ, edw:a-lion funds are never questWned. Stil/,

why? Why don~ we have new, A-grade

universities in every state capih1Jforinstaru::e?~

(Jh welJ,sorry. I am ooer reodin& Ifonly I had 1UJtdone that calculatian em>inmymathpaper,rd bejine.lnfod, I

IFONLYIKNEWrHATSLOGGING=ORTWELVEYEARSNOULDNOT~MOUNTTOMUCH,'DHAVEHAD~OREFUNIlIIone of the /JJ£ky ones. In four years,he number of candidates will dtmble. So

hen we will have a Cf!Ikge that only has

'9per cent scorers.

My parents were a bit rklud£d about

II)'abilities, and I dn feel badfor them. I

Iidn't have agirlfriend or too many

riends, as people who want to get into a!OOdro/lege are not supposed to have a

if. If only I knew that sk>ggingforwelve years would not anwunt to I1W£h,

11have had nwre[un.Aport from that, dn well, and say hclIt>

a the PM, who as I understand, wed to

eo<h in coIleg.

Yourstruly,GautOIlII(Poor slmknt)I took a printout of the letter and

ept it in my pocket I decided to do

NH4N03

"monilJrnUlrate

the act the next morningI woke up as the maid

switched off the fan to sweepthe room. She came inside and

brought a box of sweets. A fifty-year-<>Idwoman, she bad served usfor over ten years.

"What?" I said as she gave me thebox. It bad kl\ju-barfi, from one ofthe more expensive shops in the city.The maid bad spent a week~ salarydistributing sweets to anyone knownto her.

"My son passed class XII," she saidas she started her work.

"How much did he score?" I said,still rubbing my eyes.

"Forty two per cent He passedEnglish too," she said as her facebeamed with pride.

"What will he do now?" I said

"I don't know. Maybe his own busi-ness, he can repair mobile phones,"she said.

I went to the bathroom for a show-

er. I reaIised the newspaper wouldhave come outside. I ran out of thebathroom. I picked up the newspaperfrom the entrance floor. I took out theadmissions supplement, crumpled it .andthrewainthedustbinke~oo~side the house. I came back inside the'house and went back into the shower.

Ileft the house mid-day. I took themetro to Chandni Chowk and

asked my way to the industrialchemicals market Even though I badleft science after class X, I knew thatcertain chemicals like CopperSulpbate or Ammonium Nitrate couldkill you. I bought a pack of both com-poUlids. As I passed through the lanesof Chandni Cbowk, I passed a tinyhundred square feet jalebi shop. It didbrisk business. I though! my last mealbad to be delicious. I went to the .

counter and took a quarter kilo ofjalebis.

I took my plate and sat on one ofthe two rickety benches placed oot-side the shop.

A Muslim couple with a four-year-old boy came and sat on the nextbench. The mother fed the boy jalebiand kissed him after each bite. It

reminded me of my childhood and myparents, when they used to love me

unconditionaJly and marks didn'texist. I saw the box of Ammonium

Nitrate and tears welled up in myeyes. I couldn't eat the jalebis.

Icame back home. I wondered iflshould use my chemicals before orafter dinner. Maybe it is better

after everyone has slept, I thoughtWe sat at the dinner table. Dad bad

told mom not to cook as he'd broughtChinese takeaway for us. Mombrought the soya sauce, chilli oil andthe vinegar with cut green chillies inlittle katoris. We ate American chop-suey on stainless steel plates. I lookedat my watch, it was 8 pm. Three morehours, I thought as I let out a sigh.

"One thing Katpana," my rather saidto my mother, "job candidates aren'twhat they used to be these days. Iinterviewed for new trainees today,disappointin~"

"Why, what bappened?" my mothersaid.

"Like this boy from Stephen's, verybright kid. But only when it came tohis subjects."

"Really?"my mother said."Yeah, but I asked him a different

question. I said how would you goabout baving a tea-shop chain like thecoffee shop chains, and he wentblank,"my father said, an inch of noo-dle hanging outside his mouth. Mymother removed it from his face.

"And then some kid from SRCC. Hetopped his college. But you shouldhave seen his arrogance. Even beforethe interview starts. he says 'I hope atthe end of our meeting you will beable to tell me why I should join TataTea and not another company'. Canyou imagine? I am twice his age."

I could tell my father was upsetfrom his serious tone.

"Ifyou ask me,"my father contin-ued, "the best candidate was a boyfrom Bhopal. Sure, he didn't get into atop college. But he was an eighty percent student. And he said 'I want to

learn. And I want to show that youdon't need a branded college to do wellin life. Good people do well anywhere.'What a kid. Thank God we shortlisted

him in the fU"stplace.""Did he get the job?" I said."Yes,cOmpanies need good workers,

not posh certificates. And we are hav-ing a meeting to discuss our short list-ing criteria again. The top colleges areso hard to get in, only tunnel visionpeople are being selected"

"Then why are you asking him tojoin Stephen's or SRCC?"my mothersaid.

My father kept quiet. Hespoke after

EVENTHOUGHI HADLEFTSCIENCEAFTERCLASSX,I KNEWTHATCERTAINCHEMICALSCOULDKILL I BOUGHTPACKSOFCOMPOUNDS

8 pause."Actually, after today, I'd say don't

just go by the name. Study the college,fIgUre out their dedication, and makesure they don't create arrogant nerds.Then whatever the brand, you will befOJe.The world needs good people."

I looked at my parents as they con-tinued to talk. Excuse me, but I bave aplan to execute here. And now you areconfusing me, I thought

"So should I study some more col-leges and make a decision after that?"I said.

"Yes,of course. No need for herd-mentality. Kalpana you should baveseen this boy from Bhopal"

Post dinner, my parents watchedTV in the living room while eat-ing fruits. I retracted to my

room. I sat on my desk wonderingwhat to do next The landline phonerang in my parent's room. I wentinside and picked it up.

"Hello Gaut.am?"the voice on theother side said.

It was my father's colleague fromwork.

"Hello, Yash uncle," I said."Hi,"he said, "congratulations on

your boards.""Thanks uncle," I said, "dad is in the

living room fmishing dinner, should Icall him?" ,

"Dinner? Oh, don't disturb him. Justtell him his mobile is with me. It issafe. We were on a field trip today. Heleft it in my car."

"Field trip? For interviews?" I said."What interviews? No, we just went

to the Chandigarb office," he said.I wished him good night and hung

up the phone.I switched on the bedside lamp in

my parents' room. Confused, I satdown on my father's bed, wonderingwhat to do next To make space, Imoved his pillow. Under the pillow laya crumpled newspaper. I picked it up.It was the same admissions supple-ment I bad tossed in the bin this

morning My father bad circled thecut-<>tTs table.

I left the newspaper there and cameto the living room. My father wasarguing with my mother over thechoice of channels. I looked at myfather. He smiled at me and offeredme watermelon. I declined.

I came back to my room. I pickedup the chemical boxes and took themto the toilet. I opened both boxes andpoured the contents in the toilet. com-mode. One press, and everythingeverything flushed out

"Gautam,"my motherknockedonthe door, "I forgot to tell you. Guptaaooty came again. Can you teach herdaughter?"

"Maybe," I said as I came out of thetoilet, "by the way, is she pretty?"

brunchlettelS@hiodustantimes.com

HINDUSTANTIMESSUNDAYMAGAZINE JUlY 26. 2009 7