creed's creed

the office

Creed's Creed

byCole Hauptfuhrer

Cole Hauptfuhrer8614 Burton Way, Apt. 204Los Angeles, CA 90048(610) 597-3762

COLD OPEN

INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY 1

CREED walks into the warehouse and past a heated game of “Horse” between ANDY and DWIGHT.

INT. ELEVATOR - D1

Andy and Dwight stand in opposite corners of the elevator. Andy is dripping with sweat.

ANDY(mocking)

Question: What was that final score again?

DWIGHTFact: That was a fluke and I will have my revenge.

ANDYFirst of all, false. Second of all, those were two statements, so you should have said “Facts.”

Dwight storms off. Andy relishes the moment.

ANDY TALKING HEAD

Andy is walking and talking. And sweating.

ANDYDomination of Cornell’s beer pong scene? Check. 1350 on the SAT? No, actually; 1370. Check plus. Full ownership of Dwight K. Schrute in the partido of life? Check. But not a check plus... Yet.

With a sticky, slurping sound, Andy bumps right into PHYLLIS. His sweat-covered body clings to her work clothes. She glares down at him with disgust.

ACT ONE

INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY 1

Creed, now holding a package of wrapped paper, walks in the direction of the warehouse exit. DARRYL stands in his way.

CREEDDarryl.

Creed slips him a twenty dollar bill and walks on by. Darryl smiles to himself. Until he notices the camera.

INT. ELEVATOR - D1

Creed is standing beside OSCAR, STANLEY, and PAM. Everyone but Stanley is casually dressed.

CREEDHaving a nice morning, everyone?

An awkward beat. Looks of suspicion and bewilderment.

OSCARWhat?

PAMWhy?

Stanley, eyeing Creed, feels around for his wallet.

OSCAR TALKING HEAD

OSCARI’ve been working with Creed for almost a decade. Over two thousand work days, and the man had never asked me a thing.

PAM TALKING HEAD

PAMCreed’s been in such a great mood ever since he found out about his trip. Usually I’m happy for someone when something good happens, but...

STANLEY TALKING HEAD

STANLEYSomething ain’t right. I don’t know what, but I do know that. I’m keeping my wallet in my back pocket. Sittin’ on it right now.

INT. OFFICE - D1

Creed approaches MEREDITH’S desk. She looks up at him. He hands her a twenty dollar bill. She gives him a dirty look.

MEREDITHI’m a slut. Not a hooker.

CREEDNo, no, no.

He points to her purse. A bottle of vodka is sticking out.

CREED (CONT’D)Stoli?

MEREDITHBanker’s Club.

CREEDIt’ll do.

INT. MICHAEL’S OFFICE - D1

MICHAEL is sitting at his desk, looking annoyed. He’s wearing a jean jacket and a baseball hat.

ANDY (O.S.)Sick threads, Mike!

REVEAL Andy, sitting behind Michael on the left.

DWIGHT (O.S.)Yes. Pleasant clothing.

REVEAL Dwight, sitting behind Michael on the right.

ANDYSorry I’m late, boss. I lost track of time whipping up on Dwight, here, in hoops.

He gives Dwight a hard pat. Dwight reciprocates.

DWIGHTIt was a close game.

ANDYSo it was. Until you Schruted it.

Andy exaggerates laughter and holds his fist up to Michael, attempting their explosion handshake. Michael denies him.

MICHAELListen, Dwight, it’s obvious you’re bitter about the loss.

ANDYBit-ter.

MICHAELBut take it from Sly Stallone: “As long as you lose like a winner, it doesn’t matter-

ANDY-because you did it with dignity.”

(off Michael’s look)Over the Top! Legendary flick!

Michael grins and points to his wall. Hanging from it is an Over the Top movie poster.

ANDY (CONT’D)Sweet poster, Mike! And quite the germane application.

Michael looks at Andy with newfound appreciation. Andy sneaks a smirk at Dwight.

ANDY TALKING HEAD

ANDYWhen name repetition, personality mirroring, and positive reinforcement through nods and smiles don’t pan out, old Andy’s got one last line of defense.

INT. MICHAEL’S OFFICE - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)

Andy has broken into Michael’s office. He shines a flashlight around the room, then zeroes in on the poster. He dictates into a tape recorder.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHTFact: Sylvester Stallone is a joke and his quote makes no sense because winners don’t lose.

(then)That should have been “Facts”... Damn!

INT. OFFICE KITCHEN - D1

Creed is mixing himself a Bloody Mary. TOBY walks in on him. Creed tries to hand Toby a twenty dollar bill. Toby’s eyes remain on the drink.

INT. OFFICE - D1

Toby walks out of the kitchen sipping a Bloody Mary. Andy sits at his desk, waiting for something... when Michael walks out of his office, Andy calls to Pam.

ANDYHey Pam, do you think Schrute wears boxers?

PAMI’d rather not think about that. Ever.

Dwight is offended. JIM turns to him.

JIMShe doesn’t want to make me jealous.

ANDYPDA aside, Tuna, I’m guessing Dwight prefers...

(to Michael)Drum roll please?

Michael drum rolls with gusto.

ANDY (CONT’D)Tighty Dwighties.

Jim shakes his head. Michael roars.

MICHAELTighty Dwighties! Why didn’t I think of that?

Michael and Andy do their explosion handshake. Andy is beaming. Dwight is furious.

ANDY TALKING HEAD

ANDYMichael is smitten with me, ergo Dwight is smitten by me.

INT. OFFICE - D1

Dwight, about to retaliate, is interrupted by a guitar. Everyone turns to see Creed strumming away at his desk.

Jim gets up and walks over to Pam.

JIMIt’s weird. Creed has never won a sales award since I’ve been here. But last month-

PAM-After we found out the prize was a weekend in Atlantic City-

JIM-He blew everyone away-

PAM-And started throwing money around like a Hilton sister. Or like someone renting one out for the weekend...

(then)Was that mean?

Jim high-fives Pam.

Michael approaches Creed, who keeps playing.

MICHAELCreed, this is Casual Friday. Not Miff-Stock.

Creed stops playing, pulls out a wad of twenty dollar bills, and tucks one into Michael’s hand.

CREEDGod bless you.

He leans back and starts playing again. Michael stares at the twenty, then at the camera.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAELIn each and every one of us, there is a little something called tegrity. I think that’s why people also call it integrity; because it’s in us.

INT. OFFICE - D1

Everyone watches the exchange between Michael and Creed.

MICHAELCreed, you know I can’t-

CREED-Forty more if you sing along.

An awkward beat. Suddenly, Michael breaks into song.


MICHAELYou might ask, “Can you put a price on tegrity?” Well, let me answer your query with another one: Can you put a price on cranking Casual Friday up a notch?

(then)I think we know how anyone with an ounce of tegrity would answer that. And if you don’t, God help you. Because I won’t.

INT. OFFICE - D1

The duet has progressed into a jam. KEVIN provides pencil percussion. KELLY is on backup vocals.

KELLY TALKING HEAD

KELLYCreed is so generous! Yesterday, at lunch, I was telling him about me and Ryan, and all our dates, one by one, in ascending order of awesomeness, and he gave me twenty bucks, and all I had to do was shut the (BLEEP) up!

INT. OFFICE - D1

The band continues to play. Phyllis dances up a storm. Michael stops singing and hands her a twenty.

PHYLLISWhat do I have to do?

MICHAELStop.

As Toby nurses his Bloody Mary, Andy sidles in with his banjo and nails the falsetto vocals. The crowd erupts.

Dwight, growing increasingly jealous of Andy, begins drumming his hands on his desk.

ANDYWe already have percussion, Tighty Dwighty!

RYAN chuckles.

RYANCute. Like tighty whitey.

Dwight stops drumming.

DWIGHTIt’s not cute, Ryan.

Dwight pushes his way into the middle of the band and whips a recorder out of his sleeve. He begins playing. The sound is awful. Everyone stops.

MICHAELWhat are you doing, Dwight?

ANDYAre you tone deaf, Tighty Dwighty?

Kelly laughs.

KELLYTighty Dwighty! Cute!

Ryan cringes. Jim laughs at him.

JIMSpending some time with your ex, huh?

RYAN TALKING HEAD

RYANI will never use that word again.

INT. OFFICE - D1

Dwight gets in Andy’s face.

DWIGHTYou’d better stop calling me Tighty Dwighty.

Andy isn’t backing down.

ANDYOr what?

DWIGHTOr else.

ANDYSchyeah, that’s not cliche or anything. Or else what?

Dwight doesn’t know. He feels ANGELA judging him.

DWIGHTOr else... I will destroy you.

ANDY(mocking)

Question: Have you got the grapes, Schrute?

Andy shoves Dwight. Dwight shoves him back.

DWIGHTBig, blue, and ready to juice.

KEVIN (O.S.)Cat fight!

Angela looks worried. Dwight notices. Then...

DWIGHTWhere’s Michael?


Michael is alone, holding a Sylvester Stallone action figure.

MICHAELIn high school, Sylvester Stallone didn’t get Most Likely to Succeed. He didn’t get Most Popular, like I did. He didn’t even get Most Italian! You know what Sly got? Most Likely to End Up in the Electric Chair.

Michael gazes into his toy’s plastic eyes.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)Despite all the cruelty in this world, you persevered, and in the manliest of ways. Thank you, Sly. Thank you.

PAM (O.S.)Michael?

Michael panics and hides his action figure.

MICHAELDamn it, Dwight, knock!

PAMNo, it’s me. We need your help.

INT. OFFICE - D1

Andy and Dwight stand toe to toe.

ANDYAlright Schrute, you and me, mano a girlo.

DWIGHTFine by me, girlo.

PHYLLISCut the foreplay already!

ANGELAPhyllis!

Phyllis hangs her head.

ANDYSo what’s it gonna be?

MICHAEL (O.S.)I know.

Michael stands in his doorway, blatantly flexing his upper body.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)The true test of Manhood. Sly’s test.

ANDYArm wrestling.

Michael nods.

KEVINI’ve got ten on Andy.

Dwight is insulted. Creed looks him up and down.

CREEDLet’s make it twenty.

INT. LUNCH ROOM - D1

The lunch room has been converted into an arm wrestling arena. Pam and Jim assemble the karaoke machine.

EXT. PARKING LOT - D1

Dwight psyches himself up in his car.

INT. OFFICE BATHROOM - D1

Andy, in seclusion, sips from a bottle of Jagermeister.

ANDYOld Andy gets pretty crazy when he drinks the old deer blood. This contest is in the proverbial bag.


Jim stands before the crowd. Dwight and Andy warm up in opposite corners. The karaoke machine pumps “The Chicago Bulls Theme Song.”

JIM(emceeing)

Ladies and gentlemen, our combatant in the red corner, standing six feet three inches, hailing from Beet Farm, Dwight “The Animal” Schrute!

A spattering of applause.

JIM (CONT’D)And our combatant in the blue corner, standing six feet zero inches, hailing from The Ivy League, Andy “The Cornell Cornish Game Hen” Bernard!

A beat.

ANDYThat’s not my mascot, Tuna.

JIMReally?

The two take their spots at the table. A stare down ensues.

DWIGHTAnimals eat Cornish game hens.

ANDYNot all animals.

Michael steps in to referee.

MICHAELReady for a clean match, gentlemen?

ANDYSure you wanna dance, beet boy? I once forearmed a frisbee sixty-four yards.

DWIGHTBig deal. Two weeks ago, I wrestled an Austrian Bull Moose to the ground.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHTHe was senile, three-legged, and a eunuch, but still quite a feat.

(then, with a grimace)You should’ve seen what he did to Mose.


As the music cuts off...

DWIGHTLet’s just say there’s a reason my Monkey called me Mighty Dwighty.

Everyone hears this. Michael recoils.

MICHAELOh, Dwight, no one wants to hear about your creepy monkey.

Dwight and Angela exchange a strange look. She storms out. Andy bangs his fist on the table.

ANDYLet’s do this!

The two grasp hands.

MICHAELOn my count: One...

ANGELA TALKING HEAD

ANGELAThis is so immature. And juvenile. And pathetic.

(getting up)Excuse me...

INT. OFFICE - D1

Angela watches from a distance.


Andy and Dwight, hands locked, glare at each other.

MICHAELTwo... Let’s get it on!

The two strain for a few moments... As it looks like Andy’s about to win, Dwight wills the victory.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)The winner! Dwight!

Andy stands up and starts pacing with rage.

ANDYI wasn’t freaking ready!

JIMYou almost won.

Andy kicks over a trash can.

ANDYThis is a freaking conspiracy!

Andy storms out of the office.

CREEDOkay, who’s next?

MICHAELCreed, we really-

Creed holds out another twenty.

CREED-Twenty bucks, win or lose.

(then)Unless you’re scared, Michael.

A beat. Michael turns to Toby. Toby shakes his head.

MICHAELDidn’t think so.

Michael looks around, sizing people up. He stops at Dwight.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)You remember what happened last time, don’t you, Dwight?

Dwight lowers his head. No one is volunteering.

CREEDHow about you, Jimmy?

Michael scoffs.

MICHAELJim?

An awkward beat.

JIMNah.

CREEDTwenty bucks. Win or lose.

JIM TALKING HEAD

JIMUsually I do the daring around here. But for twenty bucks?


Everyone waits for Jim’s answer.

JIMAlright.

Michael looks nervous.


MICHAELLook, Jim’s an athletic guy. But he’s a finesse guy. A jazz guy... Me?

[INSERT clip of Michael throwing the basketball out of the warehouse.]

MICHAEL (CONT’D)I’m a power guy. Hard rock. And who would you take in a battle of the brawn: Isaac Hayes or Marilyn Manson?

(then)Manson was rock, right?


Michael walks, gravely, toward Jim and the table. Jim and Pam exchange a smile. Michael reaches for his hat.


MICHAELWhat I do is, I just try to take my hat and I turn it around. And it’s like a switch goes on. And when that switch goes on...


Michael turns his hat backwards... and becomes Prison Mike.


MICHAEL(as Prison Mike)

... I feel like another person. I dunno, I feel like a...

He picks up his toy truck.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)(Prison Mike)

Like a truck.


Michael sits down at the table. Creed waves the twenty in his face. Michael snarls and snatches the bill.

MICHAEL(Prison Mike)

Get da hell outta my face, Prune Juice!

Creed scurries away. Jim looks at the camera.

JIMPrune Juice, Prison Mike?


Quit checkin’ out da camera, Olive Oil!

JIMOlive Oil, huh?

Michael glowers at Jim.


I own you! You got no power, hoss!

Toby steps in to referee. Michael waves him off.


Your services ain’t needed here, Carrot Top.

(then)(MORE)

Hey, Carrot, do da curtains match da drapes? I’ll bet dey do!

PAMMichael!


Sorry, Toots. I’m in da zone. You broads wouldn’t understand.

(then, to Jim)Ready, Ms. Olive?

Pam smiles at Jim. Jim doesn’t smile back.


One...

Jim is dead serious. Dwight cheers for Michael. Everyone else quietly pulls for Jim.


Two... Let’s get it on!

Michael’s face strains.


You ain’t got it, hoss! Over the top!

It’s a deadlock for about a second... then Jim slams Michaels’ arm into the table. A beat, as the pain sets in. Michael squeals, grasps his shoulder and runs to his office.

DWIGHTMichael!

Dwight runs for the door. Before he exits, he turns to Jim.

DWIGHT (CONT’D)You’re lucky my superior needs icing.

JIMI’m your superior. You may go.

DWIGHTThank you.

(then)This isn’t over.

Dwight leaves. Creed hands Jim a twenty.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)

CREEDAlright, who’s next?

Phyllis turns to Pam.

PHYLLISWant a piece?

PAMWhat?

Stanley and Kevin look at each other. A beat. Stanley heads for his desk. Kevin smiles to himself.

KEVIN TALKING HEAD

KEVINHe did not want none of this.

INT. OFFICE - D1

The office is empty. As Dwight hurries toward Michael’s office, Angela comes out of nowhere and plants one on him. Taken aback, Dwight stumbles into Michael’s office.


Creed scans the room. His eyes stop on Ryan, who shakes his head and makes for the door. Creed creeps after him.

RYAN TALKING HEAD

RYANWell, I’ve pretty much come full circle. Right back where I started...The only bright spot, really, is that I’ve started standing up for myself.

INT. OFFICE - DAY (FLASHBACK)

Ryan keeps his desk when Jim comes back.

INT. OFFICE - DAY (FLASHBACK)

Michael stands behind Ryan with an empty mug. Ryan pours himself the last cup of coffee and walks victoriously away.

EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY (FLASHBACK)

Dwight sneaks up on Ryan and puts him into a headlock. Ryan stiff arms him into a car.

RYAN TALKING HEAD

RYANBut there is one person in this office who continues to intimidate me, and that is Creed.

We see that Creed is standing behind Ryan, listening.

RYAN (CONT’D)He freaks me out. I think he knows it, too-

CREED-Speaking of which, I’ll be needing a ride to the train station at lunch.

Ryan is startled. Before he can argue, Creed tucks a twenty into his hand.

CREED (CONT’D)Half now. Half on delivery.

RYANThe station’s pretty close. It would definitely be cheaper to get a cab.

A beat.

CREEDWould it?

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO


Ryan motions to Creed’s car, which should be impounded.

RYANMind if we take your car?

RYAN TALKING HEAD

RYANCall me crazy, but when it comes to my Civic, I prefer “new car smell” to “distinct old man smell.”

INT. OFFICE - D1

Jim sits at his desk. Michael walks by. It’s awkward.

I/E. CREED’S CAR - D1

Ryan is in the driver’s seat of Creed’s car, sputtering down the road.

RYAN(muttering)

Damn thing’s older than I am.

CREED (O.S.)Yup.

Creed is lying across the backseat.

RYANI thought you were asleep.

CREED (O.S.)Nope.

Ryan thinks he smells something. His suspicions are confirmed as smoke wafts in from the backseat.

RYANWhat are you doing?

CREED (O.S.)Want a toke?

Ryan eyes the camera.

INT. OFFICE - D1

Jim sits at his desk. Pam sits down next to him.

PAMI made you a victory present.

JIMReally?

She sets down a drawing of Prison Mike, crying and icing his shoulder.

PAMI didn’t have much time, so don’t-

JIM-This is really good!

Pam smiles.

PAMI know.

Neither notice Michael eavesdropping.

JIMI’m framing it. Thank you.

PAMWelcome.

JIMWhy haven’t you been making me these all the-

MICHAEL-Making you what all the time?

Jim turns to see Michael standing over him. He tries to cover up the sketch. Not in time.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)Oh, is it private?

(to Jim, whispering)Oooh, am I cockblock-

This is a loud whisper.

JIM-No! No. It’s nothing.

MICHAELWell, it looks like something to me.

A beat. Jim uncovers the drawing. Michael’s face falls.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)Oh... God...

JIMMichael...

MICHAELPam drew this?

PAMMichael, it’s just a joke.

Michael sulks back into his office. He draws the blinds.

I/E. CREED’S CAR - D1

Creed, standing outside of his car, hands Ryan a twenty. The gas light comes on. Creed notices, but pretends not to.

CREEDGodspeed, Raymond.

He walks off.

INT. SCRANTON GAS STATION - D1

Ryan, a little red-eyed, hands the twenty to a CASHIER.

RYANTwenty bucks in pump four. Please.

Looking over at pump four, the cashier cannot help but stare at Creed’s car. Then, suspiciously, at Ryan.

RYAN (CONT’D)It’s not mine.

The cashier marks the bill with a counterfeit marker. Unsatisfied, he pulls out a magnifying glass.

RYAN (CONT’D)Is something wrong?

CASHIERLike you don’t know, you smug little punk.

He slams the bill on the counter. Ryan is taken aback.

CASHIER (CONT’D)This bill is a friggin’ fake! And you know what? I’ll bet that car is stolen, too!

RYAN(blurting)

Probably.

CASHIERYou think this is some kind of joke? I’ve got a good mind to whoop your ass! Get the hell out of my store!

Ryan runs for Creed’s car.

EXT. ROAD - D1

Ryan pushes Creed’s car down the road. He ignores his ringing cell phone.


Michael repeatedly dials his phone.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - D1

Toby leads a discussion. Michael slouches in the front row.

OSCARHow do you know they’re fake?

TOBYWell, I just got off the phone with Ryan. He found out at a gas station down the street.

OSCARSo what should we do?

TOBYEven though they might look and feel real, I’d advise that you rip up and throw away the bills Creed gave you.

MICHAELLet me stop you right there, Tobes. Can I call you Tobes?

Michael gets up and assumes center stage.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)Did Toby’s marriage look real? Did it feel real? Did he rip it up and throw it away?

PAMMichael!

TOBYWhere are you going with this?

Michael has no idea.


MICHAELDo I think Creed handed out fake money? I think it’s just as likely as Ryan calling Toby and not me... Indubitable.


Michael turns to Toby.

MICHAELAre you aware that destroying currency is a sin?

DWIGHTIt’s not a sin. It’s illegal.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHTA felony, actually. And if that crazy old loon thinks he can bring his hippy horse puckey onto my terrain, he’s messing with the wrong assistant security guard.

INT. CONFEREENCE ROOM - D1

Dwight stands next to Toby.

DWIGHTToby’s right. We should tear up the bills, then tear down Creed.

MICHAELYou want us to break the law, Dwight? You of all people? A deputy’s assistant?

JIMVolunteer.

Michael turns to Toby.

MICHAELAnd why should we believe Ryan called you, and not me, in the first place?

PHYLLISI believe you, Toby.

MICHAELB.F.D., Phyllis, because I don’t.

TOBYWhy would I lie?

MICHAELYou tell me, you corporate snake.

Toby sighs.

TOBYI have no idea why Ryan didn’t call you, Michael, but he told me the bill Creed gave him passed the counterfeit marker test but not the magnifying glass.

JIMThat’s weird. Don’t counterfeit markers usually work?

TOBYYes, which means Creed used thin rag paper.

DWIGHTThin rag paper. Of course. He could have bought it anywhere.

STANLEYOr stole it from our warehouse.

TOBYHe then crumpled the bills to make them feel worn.

Dwight nods in approval.

TOBY (CONT’D)And the bill was exposed by the magnifying glass because counterfeit dollars lose some color detail during the process.

DWIGHTWow, Toby. I didn’t even know that.

TOBYShould I keep going?

A beat. Everyone is impressed. Except Michael.

MICHAELYou seem pretty knowledgeable about money counterfeiting, Toby... Too knowledgeable.

TOBYI researched it. On HowStuffWorks.com. It took five minutes.

MICHAELUnfortunately for you, Toby, I have far too much tegrity to just stand here and let you make a spacegoat out of Creed!

Pam whispers to Jim.

PAMSpacegoat?

MICHAELDo you hear me, Toby? So help me God, Creed will not become your spacegoat!

KEVINI think you mean scapegoat.

A beat, as Michael regroups.

MICHAELReally, Kevin? I always thought there was a goat floating around in space that everyone blamed their problems on! Whoops!

Jim smiles to himself. He whispers to Pam.

JIMHe actually did.

Michael reaches into his pocket and hands Toby a tissue.

MICHAELYour silence speaks volumes, Toby. I have no choice but to let you go.

TOBYYou can’t fire me, Michael. We’ve been through this.

Dwight stands behind Toby as he usually does with Michael.

DWIGHTFire Creed. Please, Toby... Fire. Creed.

Michael is getting jealous.

MICHAELOkay. Let’s do it. Creed is gone.

No one seems opposed. Except Toby.

TOBYWell, Creed didn’t technically do anything against company policy.

Dwight considers.

DWIGHTToby’s right. There were no legal transactions. As far as we know, he only used the bills to fund pranks.

TOBYPranks that, if disclosed, would actually get you into more trouble than him, Michael.

Dwight is disappointed.

DWIGHTSo we can’t fire Creed.

A beat.

MICHAELWe can’t?


MICHAELFor once I was trying to agree with the guy, but he wouldn’t tell me what he wants! It’s like, all Toby wants to do is bicker with me! No wonder he’s divorced!


Michael sits down, perplexed.

JIMYeah, I mean, I doubt it says anywhere in the Dunder-Mifflin Handbook, “Do not convince your boss to arm wrestle, then compensate him with Monopoly money.”

Michael appears deeply wounded by this comment.

MICHAEL(screaming)

This isn’t funny... Toby!

Michael, on the verge of tears, stands back up and addresses the room:

MICHAEL (CONT’D)When I was a boy, my stepfather made me a deal: If I started doing the dishes, stopped complaining about my nightmares, and started calling him Dad, he’d give me a fifty one day.

(then)One day, a couple weeks ago, I finally mustered the courage to ask for my fifty. I’d been expecting fifty dollars, all this time, but he gave me... not that.

Michael reaches into his wallet and pulls out a blue piece of Monopoly money. It’s been torn up and taped back together.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)Dad became Steve on that day.

A beat. Michael, suddenly irate, turns on Toby.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)We are a family here, and family does not give each other counterfeit money! Not you, not me, not even the creepy granduncle!

Michael holds his bill in Toby’s face.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)There is nothing you can say that will convince me this bill is a fake! Nothing!

A beat, as Toby takes a closer look at the bill. He turns it around for Michael, showing it to be a two-headed bill. Michael runs from the room.

EXT. ROAD - NIGHT 1

Ryan continues to push Creed’s car down the road.

RYANI’m going to kill Creed.

(then)No, I’m not.

INT. OFFICE - N1

The office is dark. The SECURITY GUARD walks in on Dwight going through Creed’s desk.

SECURITY GUARDHey!

DWIGHTDon’t worry, Hank. It’s Dwight.

HANKWho?

DWIGHTDwight Schrute.

HANKWho?

DWIGHTYour assistant security guard.

HANKAssistant to the security guard.

DWIGHTWhatever. I’m investigating an important security matter.

HANKLooks like you’re snoopin’ through somebody’s desk to me.

A beat, as Hank lights Creed’s desk with his flashlight.

DWIGHTStrange...

HANKMmm hmm. Nothin’ but Visine and mung beans.

DWIGHTCreed clearly needs the mung beans, but what’s the Visine for?

A look from Hank.

EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY 2 (MONDAY)

Creed sleeps in his car. Eventually, he gets out.

CREEDHell of a weekend.

He holds up an empty money clip.

CREED (CONT’D)All out of twenties. Didn’t do any gambling, though.

INT. OFFICE - D2

Creed walks toward his desk. Workout music blares from Michael’s office.

JIM TALKING HEAD

JIMI think Michael took the arm wrestling thing a little hard. He’s been acting weird lately... Weird for him.


Michael shadowboxes with his two-pound weights. He sees Creed through the blinds.

INT. OFFICE - D2

Creed notices something sitting on his desk. Someone has put his mung beans in Jello. But they failed to make it properly. The result is a soup-like substance. Creed looks at Jim.

Jim shakes his head defensively, then turns to Pam.

JIMAnd even if I was dumb enough to mess with Creed, I’m not dumb enough to forget how to make Jello.

PAMThere’s only one suspect who could be capable of being so... incapable.

Creed takes a bite of his substance.

MICHAEL (O.S.)How does it taste, Creed?

Michael stands over Creed. Dwight flanks him on the other side. Creed takes another bite.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)Betrayal. Bitter, isn’t it?

CREEDDelicious, actually. Thank you.

MICHAELYou embarrassed me. You embarrassed the office. And most importantly, Creed, you embarrassed me.

Michael gives a not-so-surreptitious flex of his upper body.

CREEDI’m sorry you’re getting older, Michael. And can’t even make Jello.

Michael shows Creed the two-headed bill.

MICHAELWe know what you did, Creed!

Creed realizes his mistake.

CREED TALKING HEAD

CREEDI started out using the bills where it was too dark to see. Like my gentleman’s club.

(a wink)Or where the recipient was too busy to notice. Also like my gentleman’s club.

(another wink)It worked so well, I suppose I got carried away.

INT. OFFICE - D1

Creed smiles.

MICHAELWell, Creed?

CREEDWell, what?

MICHAELDon’t you have something you’d like to say to your betrayed coworkers?

CREEDSure.

Creed stands up to address everyone.

CREED (CONT’D)Whoops.

He sits back down.

MICHAELWhere’s your tegrity, Creed?

CREEDAre you making up words again, Michael?

MICHAELHow can you treat me like this? I’m the guy who gave you your life back.

CREEDNo. You’re the guy who almost fired me.

MICHAELYou said I was a fine man. You said I wouldn’t regret this. You God blessed me, man!

Michael is clearly upset. Creed just smiles.

CREEDLies.

Michael flees to his office. A beat. Everyone looks over to Toby, who eventually approaches Creed.

TOBYDid you realize what you were doing was a felony?

Creed shakes his head.

TOBY (CONT’D)Did you do it on company property?

INT. WAREHOUSE (FLASHBACK)

Creed, holding a package of wrapped paper, hands Darryl twenty “dollars,” then walks out of the warehouse.

INT. OFFICE (FLASHBACK)

Creed loads the paper into the office’s scanner.


Creed places a real twenty dollar bill onto the scanner tray.


Creed sits at his desk, crumpling bills in his hands.

INT. OFFICE - D2

Creed looks Toby in the eye.

CREEDNo, Toby. I honestly did not.

TOBYOkay. I think we’re going to let this slide. But don’t do it again, okay?

Creed stands up and shakes Toby’s hand.

CREED TALKING HEAD

CREEDWell, it was a good run.

A beat, as Creed realizes something. Something troubling. He stands up and hurries out of the office.

DARRYL TALKING HEAD

DARRYLThat motha(BLEEP)a what!?

Darryl stands up and stomps toward the parking lot...


...Where he intercepts Creed, who scurries to his car.

DARRYLRippin’ people off? That yo’ creed, Creed? My creed’s to beat someone’s ass when they rip me off! That’s my beat ass creed!

Creed barely makes it into his car. Darryl bangs on the hood.

DARRYL (CONT’D)You’re Creed! I’m Rocky! Let’s go, old man!

A panicked Creed peels off with Darryl yelling after him.

END OF SHOW

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