Creating Couple

Closeness:

Combining concepts of

Connected communication

and Constructive Conflict

Rev. Jared Pingleton, Psy.D.

Vice President, AACC

“Soul Sharing”: Six Simple

StepS for connected coupleS’

communication: Speaker: Listener

Listen for emotions expressed in addition to content.

Prayerfully choose to speak about one topic briefly (try to condense your statements to one paragraph).

Face them directly for eye contact; prepare your heart to be open.

Ask if this is a good time for your spouse to listen; extend your hands.

Focus exclusively on them; reach out and grasp their hands with yours.

Be aware of your nonverbal messages – tone, volume, intensity level, facial expression, etc.

“Soul Sharing”: Six Simple

StepS for connected coupleS’

communication: Speaker: Listener

Pause and allow the listener to give feedback.

Monitor your defensiveness; remember this is about them. Do not interrupt; try to empathize.

Use “I” language, do not use “you” language or inflammatory speech. Do not blame, shame, name-call, criticize, etc.

Paraphrase (in your own words) what you heard the speaker say; respectfully ask clarifying questions in order to understand.

Clarify and if necessary amplify your message; gently restate and politely reword your statement.

Don’t rebut or argue; patiently summarize what you understand the speaker to have said. Ask if they feel understood.

4. I promise to never mention divorce (Malachi 2:16).

A Formula for Fair fighting:

3. I promise to ask the Holy Spirit to help me deal with my own issues first (Matthew 7:3).

1. I promise to listen first before speaking (Proverbs 18:13).

5. I promise to not be verbally destructive (Ephesians 4:29).

2. I promise to speak quietly, calmly, and gently (Proverbs 15:1).

9. I promise to apologize and accept responsibility when I am wrong (James 5:16)

A Formula for Fair fighting:

8. I promise to not go to bed angry and allow conflict to go unaddressed (Ephesians 4:26)

6. I promise to not be emotionally destructive (1 Peter 3:8-9).

10. I promise to freely and fully forgive (Colossians 3:13).

7. I promise to not be physically destructive (Romans 13:9-10)

A Creative course to Cope

with Combative and

contrary coupleS’

clashes, collisions, and

combustible commotion

concerning their

contentious and

controlling conflict:

Assumptions:

Conflict is a divinely ordained, necessary means of producing growth and intimacy

Conflict is normal, natural, inevitable reality in the fallen world

Conflict is scary and is often mismanaged in painful, abusive and/or destructive ways

Conflict

3. Attack the problem – not the person – and propose viable options or solutions. Avoid judging and criticizing the other person (and/or their personality, appearance, family of origin, etc.), name-calling, power message or manipulative actions, or attempting to change or “fix” them (Proverbs 15:1-2)

1. If possible, prepare the setting and plan for constructive confrontation.

Avoid distractions and interruptions, having non-private discussions, being overly tired and stressed, or being emotionally reactive (Proverbs 16:1-3)

2. Take responsibility and initiative to address the issue directly.

Avoid running from the problem, using the “silent treatment,” waiting for the other person to make the first move, or allowing problems to accumulate (Matthew 5:23-24).

Certainties concerning

Conflict:

6. Learn and practice effective communication and active listening skills, including the use of self-disclosing “I” language. Avoid making accusatory “you” statements using exaggerations and extreme language (e.g., “never”, “always”, “all”, “everyone,” etc.) or interrupting the person (Ephesians 4:29).

4. Stay on the subject and focus specifically and concretely on the facts, actions, feelings, and events. Avoid sweeping generalizations, using the “kitchen sink” attack, bringing up the past, making comparisons to others, or bringing in irrelevant issues (Proverbs 17:14).

5. Take responsibility for your part of the conflict, and be willing to humbly admit when you’re wrong. Avoid being proud, stubborn, and arrogant by immaturely blaming the other person for your feelings or actions; avoid denying your own humanness and blind spots (Philippians 2:3-5).

Certainties concerning

Conflict:

9. Learn to respect, appreciate, and understand each other’s needs, feelings, interests, and differences.

Avoid needing to think or feel the same way; avoid denying one another’s differences in taste, upbringing, viewpoints, customs, and coping mechanisms (Romans 14:19-15:4).

7. State your needs, wants, hurts, disappointments, and feelings clearly.

Avoid pouting, nagging, complaining, denial, putting words in the other person’s mouth, or assuming the other person can (and does) read your mind (Matthew 12:34-37).

8. Be honest, respectful, honoring, and courteous.

Avoid lying (to protect yourself or someone else), name-calling, sarcasm, or belittling and/or degrading the other person; avoid being abusive, intimidating, forceful, or violent (Proverbs 15:4).

Certainties concerning

Conflict:

12. Agree to disagree, arrange to discus an unresolved issue later and/or agree to get outside help from an unbiased, neutral, objective mediator/therapist/arbitrator. Avoid letting conflict go unresolved, withdrawing, or pulling in biased family members or friends for your support; when arguments escalate too intensely, suggest calling a brief time-out to allow flaring tempers to subside (Proverbs 15:22)

10. Be willing to forgive (functionally defined as “our right to hurt back”) an offense in order to cultivate the growth, healing, and well-being of the other person and the relationship. Avoid becoming resentful, punitive, alienated, or controlled by vengeful fantasies and actions (Ephesians 4:31-5:2).

11. Strive for mutual understanding, a “win-win” outcome, and the development of an “us-we-ours” view of the situation. Avoid trying to change the other person, endeavoring to get your way and/or get your point across in order to “win,” or maintaining a self-centered “me-my-mine” attitude (Romans 15:7).

Thank you!

For presentation Notes e-mail:

Jared.Pingleton@aacc.net

Rev. Jared Pingleton, Psy.D.

Vice President, AACC