courage to heal manual
TRANSCRIPT
Courage To
Heal
A guide for Individuals Suffering from Psychological Trauma
By Julia Kagunda
©2014
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COURAGE TO HEAL FROM THE PSYCHOLOGICAL WOUNDS OF TRAUMA
From the post-election violence in 2008 up to today, Kenya has witnessed a wave of ethnic
and political conflicts that have left Kenyans traumatized, especially those affected directly.
Traumatic events or crises have several common characteristics; they hurt physically,
emotionally and spiritually.
The aftermath of witnessing and surviving horrific and violent war atrocities leaves the
affected parties with significant symptoms of psychological distress, including Post-
Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and depression. However, after experiencing traumatic
events, some “war” survivors tend to remain in the crisis mode without wanting to narrate
the horrific events witnessed or survived, which compounds the problem. Sometimes they
lack forums debrief or share the traumatic stories.
Realizing the shortage of professional counselors in the country, Elim Palm Renewal Centre
(EPRC) has prepared this manual to facilitate pastors, Christian leaders and Community
leaders and is challenging them to debrief with their congregants and communities. One
critical component of the process is spiritual resources, packed in this manual, which is
greatly needed after experiencing traumatizing events and the losses that go alongside that.
However, only trainers who have been trained by EPRC are allowed to use this manual to
avoid survivors of conflict/war getting re-traumatized if this process is not handled properly.
The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life (Pro. 15:4)
Trauma is described as the disease of the soul and identity hence it takes a lot of courage to
heal. Take courage and embark on this soul-searching process. Through God’s help, you will
be restored and refreshed.
A HEART AT PEACE GIVES LIFE TO THE BODY (Proverbs 14:30)
Blessings,
Julia Kagunda
Elim Palm Renewal Director
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TABLE OF CONTENTS
ABOUT THIS MANUAL ............................................................................................................- 3 -
CHAPTER 1: DEALING WITH LOSS: NO HEALING WITHOUT GRIEVING .................................- 5 -
CHAPTER 2: ANGER AND RESENTMENT: “I AM CHOKED WITH BITTERNESS” .................... - 12 -
CHAPTER 3: FEAR AND SUSPICION: “I AM AFRAID, I CANNOT TRUST” .............................. - 16 -
CHAPTER 4: SHAME AND GUILT: “I WANT TO HIDE” .......................................................... - 20 -
CHAPTER 5: FORGIVINESS: “FOR WHOM” .......................................................................... - 26 -
CHAPTER 6: POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER (PTSD) “I FEEL SICK” ............................ - 36 -
CHAPTER 7: REMEMBERING WHAT HAPPENED ...................................................................... 40
CHAPTER 8: SELF-HATRED: “I AM VALUED?” ........................................................................... 45
CONCLUSION ............................................................................................................................ 50
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ABOUT THIS MANUAL
This manual provides tools and interventions needed to process the common emotional
wounds resulting from trauma; however, this program recognizes that healing is a journey
that involves many aspects. We do not attempt to put a claim to an absolute solution to the
healing process; rather we hope to provide individuals with a determination to take the
journey of personal healing with a resource that will add value to that process.
Why the “Courage to Heal”?
It takes courage to confront and deal with the emotional wounds that are inflicted by
traumatic experiences. As we have observed during interactions with people who survived
the post-election violence, it is clear that most of these survivors have pushed the memories
to the subconscious. At the slightest provocation, they realize that the emotional wounds
are still there and they hurt today as much as they hurt when these events took place. In
one of the courage to heal seminars in Nakuru, a participant commented “when I came here
for the seminar, I thought I healed long time ago, only to realize I am still hurting”.
There are eight sessions designed to address the most common symptoms of trauma. The
resources used here are based on ideas that are founded on the word of God. They also
have been validated by many psychological counseling professionals and used by many
individuals’ men and women in different sectors of life.
The sessions are designed to be done in a group session though one may choose to do them
individually. The group setting, however, provides the support and motivation needed for
the journey. It also provides the atmosphere where one benefits from the rich experiences
of the other participants.
Who is this Book meant for?
Our interactions with conflict/war survivors give evidence that all individuals involved suffer.
There is no single person whether perceived as the perpetrator or the victim escapes the
emotional wounds inflicted during skirmishes. Besides trauma, this book would benefit
others who have gone through all kind of losses or unresolved grief.
Do not rush through these sessions. Take your time. Though the workbook is designed in
eight sessions, a few sessions may be split as seen necessary. The important thing is to
make this process experiential rather than academic. Remember, therapy is a process rather
than an event. When you have willingness, courage and hope not obstacle will be too huge
to overcome.
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Activities to Expect in the Manual:
o Relaxation activity: At the beginning of every session, it is important to have a
relaxation exercise that will help the participants get in touch with the inner self.
o Case studies: The workbook provides various case studies for specific sessions.
o Self-exploration questions and/ or activity
At the end of each session, the work book provides either a series of questions for
further self-exploration or a group activity to help participants process the
information learnt.
Biblical passages and case studies
The workbook provides various scriptures for further study and consideration on
every topic. In some instances, relevant case studies are derived from the Bible to
help the participants relate their experiences with those of biblical characters. The
group is encouraged to use the provided biblical passages for further studies.
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CHAPTER 1: DEALING WITH LOSS: NO HEALING WITHOUT GRIEVING
Introduction
What happens when we lose something we treasure? Loss occurs in different ways; it could
be through death of a loved one, loss of property through destruction or theft, loss of
treasured relationship or neighborliness, loss of a job or whatever else. It is important to
note that any loss comes with multiple losses. Loss is a painful process that leads to grieving.
Case Study:
Most days David had horrible dreams and nightmares. He always felt like there was
somebody around to attack him and ready to take his possessions. To his wife’s surprise, he
would get up at night sweating and trying to grasp for some breath. Although his wife had
her share of fear and panic attacks, David was definitely experiencing a lot of sadness,
confusion, anger and depressive episodes.
“We are lost. We are so far away from our home. Our hard earned property is all
gone…overnight it is gone” he would repeat, shaking his head. He could not work. He could
not sleep. He saw himself as a useless husband and father to his children, who also looked
lost in the new environment.
“I want to go back to how things used to be…I cannot believe this is happening to us; did you
say that my brother’s family was wiped out and you said out daughter was…” he could not
bring himself to finishing the statement, as he shook his head so violently. His wife just wept
as she felt the same sadness and hopelessness. She hoped that it was a bad dream…
Questions for Discussion
1. From the story, what kind of losses has David and his family experienced?
2. Identify the kind of emotions that Simon, his wife and children are going through?
3. In what ways can you relate to what they have gone through?
4. What do they need to do in order to cross this river of pain and confusion?
“Loss is not the enemy. Not facing its existence is,” by Dr. H Norman Wright
Loss & Grief:
Loss is defined as: “that was but no longer is”. It challenges our whole belief system
because loss changes everything we have ever known.
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More often than not every loss is a multiple loss. For example, when one’s house is
burnt, several losses are encountered which may include: a sense of
belonging/security, loss of legal documents, and a sense of wellbeing, trust, dreams,
self-identity and so on. We may lose a part of ourselves that had interacted with that
which is no more.
Whenever we experience any sort of loss, it is normal to experience negative
emotions.
Loss leads to grief, which is normal, healthy process;
Grief comes from the Latin verb meaning “to burden”; it is like a heavy load that one
wishes that they could set down; but they can’t;
Grief has different levels and intensities;
Grieving is the link that leads to emotional healing and restoration
Exercise: NAME YOUR LOSSES: Write about what you lost specifically. By naming your
losses, you will be better able to accomplish the difficult work of grieving over it.
“Grief is neither a problem to be solved nor a problem to be overcome. It is a
sacred expression of love… a sacred sorrow” by Dr. Gerald May
Any kind of loss leads to 3 basic choices:
1. Stay at the same point and fixate,
2. Regress,
3. Process the grief and move to the next stage of living in a healthy and productive way.
The processing of grieving is painful as one allows themselves to feel the pain but with the
intention of reinvesting in what will be, which ultimately brings growth and renewal.
THE PURPOSE OF GRIEF
God built the grief response into us for the purpose of mentally, emotionally and spiritually
processing loss-producing events and helping us to move on to a state of greater strength.
As the write of Healing the Wounds of Trauma wrote, “Tears are a way God has provided for
sadness to leave our body’. If we resist this mechanism, our sorrow may linger for a long
time.
What Happens When we Grieve?
We link with the emotions that come with loss rather than suppressing or denying
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them. As grief experts say, “You cannot heal wheat you can’t free”;
Instead of minimizing, we are expressing that wish that the loss had never occurred;
We are facing the devastating impact of the loss head on rather than running from
it, only to have its effects hit us again and again
We are allowing our brain to replay the tapes of our traumatic event memories in a
safe environment, which robs them of their terror and allows us to include them in
our post-trauma life;
We are inviting Jesus to enter the dark jungle of our pain, experience it with us and
comfort us rather than sitting alone and paralyzed at the edge.
When we Refuse to Grieve:
Unresolved grief leads to development of a wide range of psychological problems
like outbursts of rage, restlessness, depression, addiction, compulsion, anxiety and
panic disorder;
Unexpressed grief may lead to medical problems or make current problems worse
like heart disease, hypertension, cancer, asthma, aches and pains; and
We are at odds with God’s desire to meet us in the midst of the fire of our loss and
trauma, and His desire to comfort us and strengthen
Biblical Examples of Grieving:
Gen. 43: 30; 45:1-2: “And he (Joseph) wept so loudly that the Egyptians heard him, and
Pharaohs household heard about it” (vs. 2)
Joseph acknowledged his pain and he allowed himself to grieve. On two previous incidents
he had wept but succeeded to hide it from his brothers. But this time he could not hold back
anymore. In his loud weeping, he was expressing the pain of a young boy betrayed and
brutalized by those he loved and reconnecting with them.
Psalm 137:1-3 “By the rivers of Babylon we sat and wept when we remembered Zion…”
Luke 22: 41 – 44: Jesus Prays on the Mount of Olives
What was Jesus anticipating?
How did Jesus respond?
What did He tell his Father?
What would you say about the sweat like drops of blood falling to the ground?
GRIEVING AND MOURNING: THE PROCESS
Everyone will process their grief a bit differently but research shows that there are some
general descriptions that people generally experience. A well know Swiss doctor, Elizabeth
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Kubler-Ross, studied the subject of grief and expressed a general pattern encountered
during a life changing event like loss or trauma.
Denial Stage: “No! Not me!” “It can’t be!” The initial reaction of loss is shock and
disbelief. “I cannot believe this is happening”. It is trying to avoid the truth.
Anger Stage: “Why me?” “Not fair!” After it dawns that the loss has actually
occurred, anger may result. This maybe expressed through blaming others, lashing
out at others (projection), rage, and frustration and so on.
Bargaining Stage: “Not yet!” “What can I do?” Usually, the bargaining is promising
that if things change, we will do that or another. One can even promise God that
they will perform an action if He will fix things. Seeking in vain for a way out
Depression Stage: “Go away!” “I’m too tired.” When it becomes clear that the
situation has actually occurred and it is inevitable, a very sad time sets. However,
this may become a turning point because the griever understands that he or she
won’t be able to restore life to the way it was.
Acceptance Stage: “Okay.” “If that’s the only way out”. Finally finding the way forward as the
loss or trauma is fully acknowledged. “It was bad- real bad- but I survived”. “My world
changed but I can live in this new world”. Even when one successfully goes to this stage,
recurring bouts of sadness are common.
Question: As you think about the loss and trauma you have experienced, and the grief you
feel now over your loss, which of the above stages describes your current state of mind?
MOURNING:
When we experience loss or traumatic event, grief is what we feel and mourning is what we
do about it. That is the externalizing of our internal pain. And Jesus Christ says that
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted” (Mathew 5:4). Remember the
following as you work out your grief through mourning:
“I AM NOT ALONE”: In the midst of your pain, you have got God’s attention. He is
your best friend who is more than willing to listen to your pain and walk with you;
indeed His understanding no one can fathom. Ask Jesus to enter into your pain and
carry you.
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in
spirit”. Psalm 34:18
“WHAT DO I HAVE FAITH IN”: There are faith goals and requests you are placing
before God but your faith should be in God alone. “Our real hope is not in something
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we want to see happen, but in God, who is making something good out of the
situation even though we cannot see it or understand it…!” (Rev. Chris Adsit).
“CAN I DO IT ALONE?” While grief is draining, mourning is hard work; look for others
to support you. Avoid being the pillar of strength to everyone around you. Find a few
people you can count on to be there for you. Grieving has been described as falling
into a cistern and you need friends to throw you a rope to help you out.
“WHAT ABOUT THE ANGER?” It is okay to be angry but it is what you do with it. It is
a normal, reasonable reaction when faced with hurtful and grievous events but if not
handled it leads to bitterness (the next chapter deals with anger and resentment).
“I WILL CHOOSE THE FLOW OF TEARS”: Whereas it is easier for women to cry,
culturally men are reluctant to engage the strong emotions associated with grief. But
take a moment and think of King David: He beat a three-meter tall giant called
Goliath, killed a lion and a bear in hand to hand combat, and took the foreskins of
two hundred Philistines as a dowry for his bride.
o Do not also forget that King David was a boss of mighty warriors who
singlehandedly killed eight hundred men in one batter; he had one of them,
on a snowy day, following a lion to a hole and killed it. And there are many
other men whom were under David’s command.
o And yet, King David engaged fully with his emotions during times of grief.
Besides, the King acknowledged publicly about his grief; the reason why we
are able to read the following tests today.
Do this exercise based on David’s experiences.
“I am worn out from groaning; all
night long I flood my bed with
weeping and drench my couch with
tears” (Psalm 6:6).
Describe the emotions that David expressed.
What kind of emotions have you experienced in
your time of grief; capture and write them down
like David did.
“I went about mourning as though
for my friend or brother. I bowed my
head in grief as though weeping for
my mother” (Psalm 35:14).
What have you felt about others in your
mourning?
Allow yourself to feel them like David did and
write them down as David did.
“I am exhausted from crying for help;
my throat is parched. My eyes are
swollen with weeping, waiting for my
As David is waiting for God’s help, what is he
experiencing?
What are some of the emotions you have
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God to help me” (Psalm 69:3) experienced as you wait upon God?
How Do I know that I am making progress?
What is the difference between these two words? “Why” & “How”?
A person in a crisis of loss and trauma asks a lot of “why” questions.
o Why did this happen to me? Why now? Why did God let this happen? Why
won’t this pain stop? Why won’t I just forget and move on? Why must I suffer
for this long?
What were/are some of the “why” questions you have asked?
HOW”: The “How” questions indicate a good sign of progress. How can I build new dreams?
How can I move on? How should I deal with my pain and loss? How do I get back into
normal life again?
These questions look into the future, rather than the past. They spark action and not
just thoughts.
How can you change some of those “why” questions you wrote about into “how” questions?
What other “How” questions should you be asking?
Conclusion
When you encounter a loss and trauma, if you do not allow yourself to fully
experience the emotional grief of that loss, you will make it impossible to move past
your sadness.
It does no good to deny that the trauma happened or to act like it was a minor thing.
God wants to walk with you through your time of grief. There are specific attitudes
and actions that you can engage in that will help you in grieving your loss and move
you further along in your journey toward your place of healing.
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Exercise on Loss:
1. Pull out the image written “Silence: A Slow killer”. Show it to the participants and let
them discuss what the statement communicates to them.
2. What have I lost: use the Multiple Losses Sheet and specifically point out and
acknowledge what you have lost.
3. What are the most painful memories from the… (Name the particular event)?
4. When you look at the 5 stages of loss, how have you navigated through the process?
Or where are you?
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CHAPTER 2: ANGER AND RESENTMENT: “I AM CHOKED WITH BITTERNESS”
Introduction
In this session, you will get a general overview of the feelings of anger and how this feelings
turn out to be solid resentments within a person over time. Looking at anger and
resentment will help you see how these feelings if not dealt with hinder us from achieving
complete healing from the traumatic experiences.
Case study
Jonathan had been living happily with his family in their farm for many years. Though he was
from a different tribe from the majority of the neighbors in his community, there was a sense
of brotherhood and what he felt was genuine love. His three children went to school with the
others and most of them worshipped together in the local Pentecostal church. It was usual
for Jonathan to spend the evenings after the long day of farm work with the neighbors in the
local shopping Centre discussing politics and other social concerns.
A generous man, Jonathan was very popular and engaged with his neighbors. From time to
time, he would take part as the chief guest in the fund raising activities for school fees,
medical bills and other needs in the community.
Suddenly this changed. It was national election time and the animosity between the two
tribes started becoming obvious. The political leaders, who were divided along tribal lines,
started calling each other names. Hate speeches would be broadcasted in the local Radio
stations in the tribal dialects. Almost without warning the nature of his relationship with the
neighbors started changing; some would call him and his tribe’s men names while others
would refuse to shake hands with him.
It was one Friday morning when Jonathan had gone to the church for a prayer meeting. This
meeting had been called because people wanted peace to prevail in the community; people
from both tribes were present. Though tense, the people of God joined hands and prayed
together. Later in the day, Jonathan reports that another meeting was called in the same
venue, this time for the members of the other tribe. It was not a prayer meeting but a
meeting to plan for war. A decision was made that the members of the tribe that Jonathan
belonged should be eliminated from that community. It was to happen that night; those who
attended the meeting were made to swear that they would not disclose this secret to the
targeted community members.
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That night, Jonathan lost his elderly mother who could not manage to escape; his house was
burnt down, and his wife and three children escaped death by hiding in the thick forest
nearby where they were rescued the following morning by the police.
Jonathan has since returned to his farm, however, he is separated from the wife and the
children who could not get the courage to go back and opted to live in a town they consider
safer. Though he has been working very hard to rebuild his life, it is evident that he is still
finding it difficult to relate to the neighbors particularly those of the other ethnic group. He
and his tribe’s men worship in a church that has only members who are most of his own
community; the other communities also have churches which are tribe based. There is
evidence of tension, suspicion and open spite for the different communities in as much as
there is no fighting going on.
Discussion questions
1. What do you think are the emotional injuries that Jonathan suffered?
2. Do you think He was justified to get angry?
3. In what ways do you see Jonathan suffering emotionally today as a result of being
resentful?
4. What do you think he should do to deal with his anger and resentments?
What is anger?
Anger, as defined by the Webster’s new world dictionary, is feeling of displeasure
resulting from injury, mistreatment, opposition, or what is perceived unfair
treatment.
It is an emotion that ranges from mild irritation to intense fury and rage.
However, anger is a normal healthy feeling. It is okay to be angry, however, the Bible
warns that: “In your anger do not sin” (Eph. 4:26)
Anger, however, can disrupt our thoughts and actions. If left unattended, the
feelings of anger turn to concrete resentments eating away at us.
What are resentments?
Resentment is hard, cold anger that has over time been turned to tough, stiff and
rigid shell around us. This stops us from enjoying the inner peace and relationships
with others.
Like deeply rooted weed or slowly hardening concrete, unresolved anger become
rigid resentments.
Resentments create a state of hatred and desire for revenge. With hatred in our
hearts, we desire to return one injury for another, this is revenge.
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One believes he/she cannot let go of rage until those who have done them wrong
are punished. Sometimes the hatred and desire for revenge becomes the basis of a
relationship. We may have hated someone for so long until we have gotten used to
it.
Whom Does Resentment hurt?
It hurts the person feeling it more than the person described as the perpetrator;
Resentment controls the person feeling it as they spend their precious time
thinking and focusing on the person they have described as the offender;
Negative emotions are experienced most of the time;
A victim mentality over Survivor mentality is developed;
Relationships with other people are affected because of the chronic anxiety
experienced;
The perpetrators are perceived as bad, thoughtless and unreasonable people;
they are labeled;
Psycho-Somatic diseases like depression, hypertension, ulcers, heart diseases,
aches and pains, amongst others may occur
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FURTHER EXPLORATION EXERCISE
1. What body sensations do you have when you are angry?
2. Do you experience similar sensations today when you think about post-election
violence?
3. What feelings do you experience when you think about those you consider to be
responsible for the post-election violence?
4. Do these feelings communicate resentments based on what you have learnt about
resentments?
5. What do you believe is the purpose of resentments? How do you justify resentments?
6. How did you see other people you suffered together (parents, siblings, neighbors,
leaders etc.) deal with their anger and resentments towards the perceived perpetrators?
How are they dealing with it today?
7. How have these methods influenced your own responses?
8. If you have been holding resentments against a person, people, institutions or even God,
how might this affect your healing from the other emotional wounds of trauma?
9. How could you handle resentments more effectively?
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CHAPTER 3: FEAR AND SUSPICION: “I AM AFRAID, I CANNOT TRUST”
Introduction
After traumatic experiences like those of post-election violence, fear and suspicion are
normally some of the most challenging experiences that remain for a long time. They
produce intense physical and emotional discomfort and leave one in a state of vulnerability.
The irony is that the more we entertain fear and suspicion, the more we create situations in
our world that continue to give us more reasons to be suspicious, to fear and to feel
helpless. We end up in a vicious cycle of despair and frustration that only we can free
ourselves from.
Case study
When Isaac went back to his farm a year after the post-election violence, he was scared of
everyone. He could not bring back his family with him because it was obvious to him that the
village was not yet safe. The demand of feeding his family forced him to take the risk and go
back to till the land. Walking in to what was once his familiar territory, nothing was the
same. The once vibrant neighborhood turned to a grave like filled with fear. One could
almost smell despair and death.
People who once fellowshipped together in their churches without tribal thoughts or care
had isolated themselves into a cocoon of tribal churches. The ethnicity of the Pastor and the
leadership of the church seemed to determine the membership of the church. It was obvious
that Isaac needed to join the church of his tribesmen to feel safe.
At the local trading center, Isaac found that there was a lot of pretense and the interactions
were once again based on tribes. Though people would openly shake hands with those of the
other ethnicity, tension was always sensed. People changed the topic of discussion especially
if it was of political nature or one they considered sensitive when an individual from the
other community showed up...
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Biblical Reference: The story of Jacob (see Genesis 27-33)
Genesis 27 narrates the story of Jacobs’s conspiracy with his mother to take by pretense the
blessings that rightfully belonged to Esau. “Jacob said to his father “I am Esau your firstborn; I
have done just as you told me; please arise, sit and eat of my game, that your soul may bless
me”. That was the beginning of the hatred and animosity between the brothers. When
Rebecca realized what Esau was planning to kill Jacob, she advised him to free for his life for a
few days. The few days ended up being twenty years of separation with his brother.
When the time came for Jacob to go back to his homeland, there was fear and suspicion; he
did not know how his brother would react upon seeing him. So afraid was he that he had to
first send gifts to soften his brothers heart, and divide his family into three groups just in case
Esau decide to attack them. Upon meeting Esau, Jacob bowed down before him as a sign of
humility.
Fortunately, Gods favor was upon Jacob and Esau had made a decision to forgive his brother.
It is, however, clear that Jacob was still suspicious, he refused to follow the brother
immediately insisting that Esau goes ahead with an excuse that his livestock would die if
driven too fast. When you look closely however, you see fear and suspicion.
Reflection on The Following
Based on Isaac’s case study and the Bible story of Jacob and his brother, answer the
following questions:
1. Based on these stories and your personal experience, what are some of the fears
that you have in the present moment?
2. Do you notice any form of suspicion among the people of different ethnic groups in
your community? How does this suspicion present?
3. As you think about the community in which you live today in the view of political
campaigns and elections, what are some of your fears?
4. Considering the experience of Jacob and Esau, what actions can help you and your
community to deal with fear and suspicion?
Facing Fear and Finding Freedom
When it comes to emotions, fear is one of the most challenging to deal with. It is a great
tool that the devil uses to keep us in captivity. When afraid, one becomes immobilized and
unable to do even the list and most obvious of the obligations. Whereas fear is not of God,
the all understanding God, do understand our fears and is willing to deliver us from each
one of them.
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“For God did not give us a Spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of
love and of self-discipline,” 2nd Timothy 1:7
Tackling Fear?
1. Acknowledge that you are fearful and specifically list what you are afraid of. King
David acknowledged his fears to God.
2. Surrender Your Fears to Jesus: “When I am afraid, I will…trust…in You" (Psalm 56:3).
As the scripture shows David was indeed afraid but what did he do? He entrusted his
fears to God. Mention your fears to God one by one.
“Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest”
(Math.11:28).
3. You Are Not Alone: Isaiah 41:10 :”Fear not, for I am with you”. Allow Jesus to take you
by your hand. Make use of the opportunities that God gives you to confront your
fears.
4. Engage in Positive Self-Talk: What are you telling yourself about the circumstances
you find yourself in? When you do a check of your mind, are you engaged in this kind
of internal dialogue: “It is a hopeless situation”; “I am a victim and there is nothing I
can do about my situation”.
How about developing healthy positive self-talk as you entrust your life and circumstances
to God? “Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is
pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy –
think about such things (Phil. 4: 8-9).
Right now it may feel like there is nothing positive but do a check and give thanks as you
reflect on those positive things.
Meditate on the following:
“I can do all things through Christ who Strengthens me,” (Phil.4:13).
“Now in all things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us,” (Romans 8:37).
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Further Exploration
1. How do you know when you are feeling fear or you are suspicious?
2. What are your current fears in regard to the post-election violence or any other
traumatic experience you may have gone through?
3. What do you think contributes to your current fears and suspicion? Do you think your
fears are varied and genuine?
4. For the fears and suspicion that are genuine, how do you intend to practically deal with
them?
5. If some of your fears and suspicions are not genuine, how do you hope to deal with
them?
6. How does your experiences and way of life since the traumatic experience contribute to
your fears today?
7. How would you describe fear based behaviors? And which ones do you engage in?
8. How do your friends and neighbors fear- based behaviors influence you?
9. What are three effective things you can do to deal with your fear and suspicion
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CHAPTER 4: SHAME AND GUILT: “I WANT TO HIDE”
Introduction
With loss and trauma, comes shame and guilt. On one hand shame is a painful emotion
caused by a strong sense of embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace. We feel shame
when we think that we are bad. Guilt is a sense that you have done something wrong that
needs to be punished. Shame is a sense that something is wrong with you; you are broken
or defective in some way.
The self-perpetuation guilt/shame spiral
Whether or not you recognize this pattern, if you experience guilt and shame you know how
painful it is and how hopeless and helpless it leaves one feeling.
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“No Condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Romans 8: 1
REALLY???
THE PROBLEM WITH SHAME
As much as shame can be legitimate when there is rebellion against God and His standards,
loss or trauma tends to inflict unnecessary shame; a horrible feeling that one is deficient and
undesirable;
The natural fear of exposure is hiding; denial and deception;
THE PROBLEM WITH GUILT
Guilt is good, created by God to let us know where we are sinning;
However, sometimes Satan inflict us with tormenting false guilt feelings that have nothing to
do with God’s laws;
That kind of false guilt produces frustration and depression because there is no way to get
rid of false guilt.
For example, there is Role and Responsibility Guilt which says, “It was my responsibility to
keep my men safe. Some of them died, so obviously I did not do my job. It is my entire
fault”.
See other examples of False Guilt here below:
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Examples of False Guilt
It is normal to feel sad, angry and frustrated about how things turned out – but do not turn
that emotion in on yourself. You were not meant to bear the responsibility for those unfair
and unfortunate events. Remember you have a spiritual enemy who is trying to manipulate
the memories of those events in order to weaken and destroy you.
Question: Carefully look at the examples given of false guilt and find out if you are
suffering from any kind of that false guilt.
Dealing with it:
1. Search through your heart and recognize the kind of false guilt you may be going
through.
2. Shine a spotlight on its source, that is, Satan.
3. Pray and ask God to remove it from you. The false guilt may or may not leave
immediately but keep bringing it before God and let Him take that burden off your
shoulders. God is more than willing to set you free; indeed Jesus came to set the
captives free.
DEALING WITH REAL GUILT
As you consider the post-election violence or other traumatic events in your life, you
may have sinned. But the good news is:
Survivors's Guilt
•"I should not have survived while others died."
•If I'd suffered more, others would have survived les.s"
Guilt over survivors joy
•"I am so glad i did not not get killed."
•"How can i feel good when others survived?"
Guilt over Freeze
Response
" I always thought i was brave, but i
just froze in a corner, i could
not move."
Competency Guilt
"if only i had acted quicker, more skillfully or smarter, my family/community would not have suffered
and died."
Helplessness Guilt
•"I wanted so badly to get my spouse /child out of the line of fire, but they had him pinned down. If only I could have gotten to him, he'd still be alive today."
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1. If you are feeling guilty about those sins, it is because you are sensitive to the
conviction of the Holy Spirit.
2. You are not alone- all of us have sinned. It is a fact of human condition and Jesus
Christ is more than ready to fix it.
No matter how bad you feel your sins are, even “red
like crimson” (Isaiah 1:18), God can forgive them, and
no longer hold you accountable for them. Jesus Christ
was willing to be held accountable on the cross in your
place. He was willing to replace our sins with His
perfect righteousness.
To have Jesus’ sacrificial death apply to your sins, you need to take two steps:
CONFESS: In Greek the word “confess” means, “to say the same thing as”. When God has
told you, through the conviction of the Holy Spirit, that what you did was wrong, you
confess by saying: “Yes, it is true. I (stole/destroyed property/killed/raped) and I agree it
was wrong. Please forgive me”.
If we confess our sins, He is faithful and
righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse
us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9)
Exercise: Take a few minutes alone and present yourself before God. Ask Him to reveal to
you any sins that are creating a separation between you and Him. Ask Him to be very
specific about it. On a separate piece of paper, make a list of all the sins that He tells you
about. Take the list and agree with Him regarding each thing the Holy Spirit convicted you.
Ask Him to forgive you. Tear the paper.
“As far as the north is far from the east so far
has he removed our transgressions from us”
(Psalm 13:12.
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REPENT: In Greek, the word “repent” means to “turn around and go to the other direction”.
While “confess” has to do with an agreement between you and God that takes place in the
Spiritual realms, “repent” has to do with an action that needs to take place in the physical
world. God is not just interested with agreement with Him about your sins. He is interested
in CHANGED ACTION. When repentance happens, it clears the way for God to being His
healing unhindered.
RESTITUTION: in some cases you may need to make restitution/restoration as part of your
repentance. Forgiveness does not mean you are released from the responsibility attached to
your sin. Part of your healing my involve taking steps to make things right with other people;
seek God’s direction as you do that.
NOTE: Remember God forgave Paul who had threatened, chased, kidnapped, imprisoned,
tortured and killed Christians; He will certainly forgive you as you confess and repent.
Therefore repent and return, so
that your sins may be wiped away,
in order that times of refreshing
may come from the presence of the
Lord- Acts 3:19
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SUGGESTED STEPS AT YOU TAKE A STEP TO SEEK FORGIVENESS FROM ANOTHER
1. Ask God to show you who you have hurt. Consider praying the prayer that David
prayed:
“Search me, o God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of
everlasting life (Psalm 139:23-24).
Has God brought one or more people to your mind? Write their names here or
use another paper_________________________________________________
2. Ask God for forgive you for the pain you caused them. You have sinned against the
person but also against God. Go through the process of confession and repentance
regarding this incident. Get right with God first.
3. Pray for the one you have hurt: Spend time praying for the one you hurt physically or
emotionally and ask God to heal them from the wound you caused. Ask God that
through His supernatural power and love, that the wounded person will overcome the
hard feelings they hold. Also ask God to make a way to meet with them and to make him
or her receptive to your request for forgiveness.
4. Take the initiative and go to the one you have hurt and ask for forgiveness: This may
not be easy but remember Jesus is in the company of the righteous and He is pleased
with what you are doing.
“…don't worry in advance about what to say. Just say what God
tells you at that time, for it is not you who will be speaking, but
the Holy Spirit” Mark 13:11 (New Living Translation)
5. Work on Rebuilding trust with that person: If the person is not ready to talk with you,
do not feel sad or guilty because you have played your part. They may or may not say
that they have forgiven you. Regardless you cannot necessarily expect your relationship
to go immediately back to how it was before. You broke trust with that person; it may
take some time to rebuild. However, it will take some initiative on your part to
demonstrate that you meant what you said, and that you have changed. Ask God to
inspire you on how to do that.
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CHAPTER 5: FORGIVINESS: “FOR WHOM”
“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's
throat...When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but
without true change, no real relationship can be established. Forgiveness does not
excuse anything…You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day
and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you
will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for his
wholeness......” W. Paul Young, The Shack.
Introduction
The idea of forgiveness has brought about feelings of guilt to many Christians who feel they
can never measure up to the Biblical expectations of “forgive our debts as we forgive our
debtors” (Matthew 6:12). Sometimes it feels like the Biblical expectations of forgiveness are
not realistic. Other times frustration sets in when there is a genuine desire to forgive and,
indeed, forgiveness is confessed but one “feels” the same way they did before they forgave.
The anger, resentments, sadness and other feelings seem to still linger leading to confusion
about forgiveness.
This session looks at what forgiveness is all about and attempts to provide a suggested
model of forgiveness based on the Bible. The case study provided seeks to illustrate the
power of forgiveness in the healing journey
Case study
It was two years after the post-election violence when Jane came face to face with the
man who commanded the troop that attacked her homestead. It seemed as though it
just happened that morning. The pain was too fresh. She could remember in every detail
how that cruelest ambush snatched Jane’s most precious possession, her husband and
two sons, an attack that left Jane with a wounded arm and a broken heart.
Now this morning, miles and miles away from where it happened, the perpetrator
appeared to her. Neither of them hoped to see the other, but in this public forum they
faced each other in a meeting that had been organized by the church.
When he stood to speak, Jane recognized him. He was there, a public figure, smartly
dressed and eloquent. This man had obviously moved on. What happened in that cold
dark night, two years ago, miles away was not obvious in the face of this “innocent”
looking Christian man.
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Jane’s heart sunk within her. She wished for the earth to open up and swallow her. She
could not stand the anger, agony, bitterness and hatred she was feeling for the man she
always believed was responsible for her miserly. What hurt even more is the realization
that this man seemed to have moved on and forgotten about all he did.
In great agony and with tears rolling down her face, Jane rose to her feet. Her first
thought was to push her way through the crowd and finish this man with her bare hands.
On second thought, however, she turned around and dashed out in tears. A friend who
was sitting next to her followed her out wondering what had suddenly happened.
As they sat together talking, Jane’s grief was obvious. She knew that as a Christian she
needed to forgive, yet the pain was too much. All along she had silently wished that this
man and his entire troop would pay for what they did. Now coming face to face with
him, and worse still, as the leader of the group, and talking confidently was unbearable.
“If God has failed to punish him, I will do it myself” were the first words Jane said to her
friend. Jane had no idea how to do it. She only felt it was unfair for the offended party to
have suffered so much emotional pain while the offender seemed to go free.
But that was not the only problem. Jane also felt really guilty for carrying the pain and
grudge in her heart. These are things she believed should not be found in the heart of a
“good Christian”. She felt guilty and angry at herself not only this times but many times
when she wanted to revenge or when she wished bad things for the perpetrators.
In this confusion, Jane felt very angry with God. “What is wrong with God” she wondered
many times. “Where was He? Why would He not have stopped it? Jane felt there must be
something terribly wrong with the whole idea of God and Christianity. Yet she kept all
this to herself not wanting to appear different and be isolated by others in the Christian
community.
Will Jane find the grace to forgive this man? What about her anger, hatred, and desire
for revenge? Will she find a way of letting go of the emotional pain and live a free life?
Will she find peace within and with God?
Reflective Questions
1. What emotions and feelings is Jane wrestling with?
2. What do you think Jane needs to do in order to:
a. Forgive herself
b. Forgive this man and others involved
c. Make peace with God
3. Do you think Jane needs to ask for forgiveness herself? If yes, from whom and for what?
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Forgiving is a choice: The Bible requires that we forgive others so that we are forgiven yet
that does not override the will of the individual. You still have a choice. For forgiveness to be
effective, you need to get ready. Even when the offender apologizes or attempts to make
amends, you still need to make a personal deliberate choice to forgive.
We may probably not be ready to forgive yet. May be the pain is too fresh. May be we need
sometimes to think through it. We don’t need to feel pressured or rushed. Many times
Christian are too quick to say “I have forgiven him or her” simply because they feel guilty.
We need to process the experience and be sincerely ready to work on it.
This processing however should not be forever. The guiding principle here is honesty. Ask
yourself these questions regarding the matter you need to deal with through forgiveness:
Am I delaying forgiveness simply because I get pleasure from nurturing hatred and
resentments?
Am I keeping the enemy in the person I refuse to forgive so that I can use them as an
excuse for my unhappiness?
Is harboring the feelings of anger, resentment, and hatred towards this person what
gives my life a sense of excitement?
Do I want to keep the resentment so that I can have an excuse for my violent,
abusive or irrational behavior towards the persons or others?
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE DO NOT FORGIVE?
Characteristic Effects
Concentration and
attention
Our focus is mostly on the emotional baggage we are carrying
hence we lose attention on more important things.
Depression and
discouragement
It may lead to physical ailment.
Self esteem We look down upon ourselves; we are what we think we are.
Language Use harsh, unhealthy language when talking about others.
No Pleasure Our pleasure life, including sleep, may not be enjoyed to the
maximum.
Relationships We tent to project to others, which affect our relationship with
family members, friends, workers, neighbors amongst others.
SOME MISCONCEPTION ABOUT FORGIVENESS
One must forgive and forget It is hard to erase things from our God-given memories; we
may remember without bitterness.
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Forgiving and reconciliation
are one and the same thing
‘Although reconciliation maybe initiated by one party, for
it to take place the two parties must be willing to
reconcile. However, forgiveness is a decision made
individually and independently.
Forgiveness is avoidance Forgiving is not making light of something we find hurtful.
“Forgiveness is not merely a soft attitude towards a harsh
fact…,” says Dwight Small.
Forgiveness is excusing Forgiveness does not mean that we exempt or shield the
offender from taking responsibility for their actions and
choices. The offender will still be accountable and
responsible to their maker; we however, choose not to
assume the responsibility of God. “Vengeance is mine,”
says the lord
Forgiving is a feeling If you are waiting for a feeling to forgive to come upon
you, it probably will not. Forgiveness is an act of obedience
to God. God knows that hanging on to feelings of anger;
rage and need for revenge will destroy us physically and
spiritually. We therefore take a step of forgiving no matter
how we feel and the feelings will follow.
Forgiving is trusting
untrustworthy person
Forgiving does not mean you automatically allow the
offender back into your life but you need to start working
on your relationship, “If it is possible, as far as it depends
on you, live at peace with everyone” Romans 12:18.
WHY SHOULD I FORGIVE THEM?
1. For Your Own Good: There is a worldwide plant known as poison ivy, which causes bad
rash that spread on the whole body causing a lot of itchiness for more than a week. The
“See to it that no one comes
short of the grace of God; that
no root of bitterness springing
up cause trouble, and by it
many are defiled” (Heb. 12:15
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only way to kill the plant is to pull it roots because it spreads secretary taking over an
entire field. This is like the “root of bitterness” spoken of in Hebrews 12:15.
When we have been wounded physically, emotionally and spiritually and feel
helplessness against the consequences, conditions are ideal for bitterness to grow.
Unfortunately that bitterness, which spreads like poison ivy does absolutely nothing to
the guilty one- only to the one who was wounded. The only way to pull out that deep
root of bitterness is through forgiving the offender for our own good.
2. Forgiveness is a God-like characteristic: Being the children of a forgiving God, His desire
is that we become like Him. Indeed, God does not treat us the way we deserve. He
forgives. As somebody has said: “the next time you demand your rights, realize that you
really do not want your rights… If you got your rights, you would be in hell today”.
For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to Himself, no longer counting people’s sins
against them. And He gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation – 2 Corin. 5:19
Exercise: What is your level of confidence that God can perform a miracle in your heart and
enable you to forgive your attacker(s)? Circle the number that best applies.
Absolutely no way ever
______________________________________
___________
1 2 3 4
5
Absolutely sure God can do it
Prayer Assignment: With all honesty, possibly
you placed your X’s toward the “10” end of the
scale above, which is okay because you realize
that it will take a miracle for you to forgive the
ones who’ve hurt you. The beauty is that
God’s love and mercy is supernatural; begin to
ask God for that miracle. You won’t be able to
generate it on your own- but He can build it
into you, if you are open to it and trust Him to
do it.
3. Forgiveness Allows God to bring Perfect Justice: In this scripture Jesus seems to be
saying that He knows we have been sinned against, and we are entitled to justice “but
“Never take your own
revenge, beloved, but
leave room for the wrath
of God, for it is written,
“Vengeance is Mine, I will
repay,” says the Lord –
Romans 12:19
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why not step aside, give up your right to repayment and vengeance, and allow me to
handle it personally. Vengeance is mine. I will repay”. But the beauty is that the Lord will
do it in a way that will free you of your bitterness, bring your attacker to justice and
move both of you close to His righteousness. Do you desire to see that happen? Then
step aside and allows Gods Word to prevail.
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SUGGESTED STEPS TO FORGIVING THOSE WHO HAVE WOUNDED YOU
1. Ask God to give you His supernatural mindset for this:
Your mindset should be that there is evil, but you have chosen to break the cycle of pain
and violent cycle of pain and violence rather than add to the evil, you will starve it and
kill it with God’s help.
2. Acknowledge hurt and make a list of your traumatic experiences and who caused each
one: Avoid minimizing same through saying, “Oh that does not matter”.
Exercise: The table provided here helps you to analyze the experience that caused you
pain and appreciate exactly what the experience means to you:
I am angry/ resentful at: I am angry at this person because
3. Express those emotions in non-hurtful way: The goal here is to assertively communicate
your feelings. When we put words to our feelings, we are more able to take charge of
those feelings, and hence we are in control rather than the feelings controlling us. An
assertive communication of your emotions involves three key ideas:
a. Own your feelings and take responsibility for how you feel. This is expressed by use
of “I” statements. E.g. “I feel very angry at_____for…….” The use of the first person
“I” in this context denotes owning the feelings being communicated.
b. Be clear and specific about the situation arousing the feelings. If you did the first step
well, this should be easy. Example (“I feel angry at … for the way he mistreated me
(how exactly did he mistreat you) when I was living in his house after being displaced
during the post-election violence”. This statement brings out clearly the reason
behind the feelings.
c. Communicate the desired state of affairs in the relationship. This is a statement that
communicates what you would have expected of the offender in the relationship. In
the example above one would say “I would have hoped he would be more
hospitable towards me as a friend particularly because I have helped him a lot before
I got displaced”.
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Exercise: In each one of the persons indicated in 2 above. Complete the following
statements:
1. I Feel_____________________________________________________
2. Because of _________________________________________________
3. I would have hoped or expected ________________________________
4. Seek to understand the motivation of the person to be forgiven: One philosopher said
“I will seek to understand rather than to be understood”. This step is not about justifying
or condoning the behavior of the person who hurt you. It is about trying to empathize
with them. The goal is to come to a place where you find new feelings to replace the
current feelings that are not useful. Here is an example that helps illustrate what I mean:
Imagine you are traveling in a crowded Matatu. There are people seated and others
standing and there is barely enough space for free movement. The person standing
next to you, whose face you cannot see, starts moving and she steps on you. She has
a very sharp shoe and it really hurts. With all the pain you are experiencing, you start
shouting at her, of course you are very angry and understandably because of the
pain. You shout and quickly turn towards her now ready to attack. But as soon as you
look up, you realize that the one who has stepped on you is blind. Suddenly, your
anger dissipates and you start feeling sorry for her, in fact you help her get out of the
bus leading her by the hand. What has changed? You are still feeling the physical
pain, you have been stepped on. However your perspective is different. When we look
at our situation from the other person’s point of view, we begin to see the situation
we are in from a new perspective.
Exercise: Finding a new perspective
In each one of the persons and situations you have listed, what do you think
would have been the motivation or the point of view of the person that is
different from what you have always believed?
5. Make an act-of-your-will pronouncement of forgiveness for each person
This is an act of obedience and you might pray something like this:
“Lord as act of obedience I choose to forgive_______________. I do not feel like it,
but I love you, and I know you love me, and I want to obey you. So today I release
___________________ from my judgment. Forgive me for the way I may have
hindered your work in me and in him/her by my un-forgiveness. Now I step out of the
way so that your will may be done for ______________________ and for me”.
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6. You can also choose to write a letter: A useful tool at this stage may also be the healing
letter exercise. This exercise is designed to help you process information. When put on
paper overwhelming feelings are put into perspective.
This letter is for the purpose of making the act of forgiving open. The letter may be
addressed to any person, living or dead. It may also be written to self or God. You might
find it useful to destroy the letter after writing it through a “releasing ritual”.
Steps in writing a healing letter
Write the letter when you are free from distractions. It is most effective if you compose
it in one sitting.
Complete each section fully before going on to the next sections. Sometimes one
section may be a few sentence or even many pages. There is no limit as long as each
section is addressed.
Follow the order given in the instructions. This is important in the process
Focus on your feelings “I feel so resentful when………………….” Or I experience guilt or
fear when….”
Refrain from editing yourself, judging or holding back. Don’t worry about seeming
irrational, petty, childish or dramatic.
When you write the letter, remember it is only meant for you. Let it all out. Don’t hold
back.
Write your healing letter when and where you feel safe and when you have support
available.
Get rid of the letter by burning, shredding, flushing or burying. These kinds of healing
rituals bring closure
The letter should end with a section on love, understanding, gratitude, forgiveness and
life lessons towards self and others involved. It might be difficult to have these attitudes
towards the offenders. Acknowledge this and turn these thoughts towards self. Eg
“even though….. I can still be thankful that I made it through……and love and accept my
courage”.
When you complete the letter, read it aloud to yourself( or to someone you really trust)
Outline of the letter
Section one: Anger, Frustration and Blame
Section two: Hurt and Sadness
Section three: Fear and Insecurity
Section four: Guilt and Responsibility
Section five: Positive Desire and Intentions
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Section six: Love, Forgiveness, Gratitude, Understanding and lessons learnt.
7. Decide whether you want reconciliation
Reconciliation is means to restore a bond of love and communication after there has
been rapture. Reconciling or not reconciling does not indicate the success of the
forgiveness process. The reconciliation process depends on whether the other person is
ready for reconciliation. While reconciliation is many times a useful process in healing
our emotional wounds, not being ready for reconciliation should not hinder us from
effecting forgiveness.
Further exploration
1. What is your own definition of forgiveness?
2. What is the purpose of forgiveness in the emotional healing process?
3. If you suffered a great deal of loss during the traumatic experience (post-election
violence or otherwise) how does this experience affect your capacity to forgive?
4. What aspects of forgiveness do have most difficulties with and for what reasons?
a. Forgiving self____________________________________________________
b. Forgiving others__________________________________________________
c. Asking for forgiveness_____________________________________________
d. Making peace with God____________________________________________
5. How would you benefit from being able to completely forgive in your opinion?
6. How do you think the group can help you achieve complete forgiveness and peace of
mind?
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CHAPTER 6: POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER (PTSD) “I FEEL SICK”
Introduction: The word “trauma” has been used often but what exactly is it? Trauma is a
psychological shock or crisis that comes as an aftermath after witnessing and surviving
horrific events and violent mayhems. Trauma symptoms refer to behavioral,
cognitive/thoughts, physical, and or emotional difficulties that are directly related to
traumatic experience. Trauma may result after:
o Physical assault/beating/torture/terrorism
o Sexual or psychological abuse; rape/incest
o Kidnapping; being held hostage
o Natural and man- made disasters/Accidents
o Receiving devastating news, such as diagnoses of a life-threatening illness
o Surviving and witnessing threating, mutilating or deadly events.
Without immediate intervention following traumatizing events, significant symptoms of
psychological distress including Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and major depression
may result. Such patients may present with varied and complex symptoms including
headaches, abdominal pains, sleep difficulties, traumatic brain injury, body aches and pains,
psychosomatic illness, depression, anxiety, and injuries to eyes, ears and mouth.
Some Facts on Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD):
PTSD is not rare or unusual. It is a common reaction to an uncommon event;
It is normal to be affected negatively by pain, atrocity and horror;
Surviving death/atrocity or witnessing horrific events changes a person;
You are not weak, crazy or strange; you are literally wounded;
PTSD has been called a wound of the soul and a wound of the identity;
If a person gets physically wounded you would not expect them to jumping soon. In
the same way a person with a wound to his or her soul will also be out of action for a
while.
- 37 -
o Researchers say that if debriefing can occur
within 3 days of your traumatic episode, one
is far likely to develop PTSD
hy Can I not Move on?
You might be wondering why I am
stuck in the past and the crisis is
over. But when an event is violent
and life-threatening, or if there are multiple events, the
brain is unable to leave that crisis-alert mode. PTSD is when
the brain gets stuck in that mode.
What are the symptoms of PTSD?
1. Re-experiencing Symptoms: Memories and
images of the traumatic events suddenly push their
way into the minds often accompanied by intense
emotions such as grief, guilt, fear or anger.
Sometimes the memories are so vivid it seems like
they are actually reoccurring.
2. Avoidance Symptoms: Traumatized individuals
attempt to avoid situations, people or events that
remind them of their trauma. They feel numb,
emotionless, withdrawing into themselves and
trying to shut out the painful memories and
feelings.
3. Arousal Symptoms: Fearing further trauma, PTSD
sufferers are always on the alert, on guard, jumpy,
unable to sleep, angry, irritable. Many also have
concentration and memory problems.
W
God-Designed Defense
Mechanism
----God has equipped us
with danger-response
mechanisms, which
involves suppressing
normal emotional
reactions in order to
focus on the threat at
hand. However, God
intended that emotions
to be felt later and
process them in a safe
place. The most
valuable thing one can
be given is a time and a
place to talk in order for
the suppressed to be
experienced and thought
about.
----It is okay to get angry
about the injustice of
your experience so that
you can release anger
and bitterness. There
may be tears, shouting,
fear, anxiety and it may
even be hard for you to
talk.
------But if you can push
through, it will be one of
the most helpful
elements of your house
of healing.
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FURTHER CLASSIFICATION OF PTSD
1. Recurrent Thoughts
Flashbacks
Nightmares
Intrusive thoughts
Sense of confusion
2. Hyper-Arousal
Sleeping problems
Irritability
Aggressiveness
Concentration problems
Startle response
3. Somatic Symptoms
Fatigue/weakness
Gastrointestinal complaints
Cardiac symptoms
Headaches, dizziness
Diffuse aches and pains
Muscular and joint problems
4. Anxiety Reactions
Panic attacks
Generalized anxiety
Hyper vigilance
5. Sadness/Grief
Depressed mood
Loss of interest in previously pleasurable
experiences
Loss of appetite
Suicidal thoughts
Social withdrawal
Feelings of shame, guilt, helplessness
6. Avoidance of Situation which reminds
of the event
Emotional numbness (being
disconnected from family, friends &
loved ones, self-medication etc.)
Body numbness
CHRONIC PSTD
In addition to the cluster symptoms, survivors also:
May resort to use of lethal and/or illegal drugs; basically substance abuse;
Uncontrollable outbreak of anger which makes people unacceptable in society;
Suicidal ideation and a real risk of suicide; and
Some may feel like they are possessed by a spirit
DEBRIEFING
This is called Exposure Therapy.
Take them in and out of the traumatic experience so that the event does not remain
frozen. It is recommended that it happens between 8 to 72 hours after the incident,
however, where it is not possible it can be done later.
Debriefing is like first aid to somebody who has been exposed to traumatic events.
The intention is to allow people to talk, express their feelings, and discuss any
concerns arising from their incident and most essentially to prevent them from
bottling up their feelings/emotions.
NB: Severe case of PTSD calls for medical intervention and professional counseling.
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Remember…
1. Trauma and PTSD are emotional, physiological and spiritual reactions to a life
threatening event involving extreme distress, pain and horror. However, not processing
that trauma through suppressing, minimizing or denying that it happened can cause a
person to get stuck in that crisis mode leading to further emotional and physical ailment.
2. The ultimate source of trauma is not God but man’s inhumanity to man, influenced by
Satan and his demonic forces. But God is there with you know, standing ready to help
you in this crisis.
3. God was with you when you walked through the fire of your traumatic event(s). We
cannot run away from His saving arms now as illustrated by the below story by Rev.
Christ Adsit:
“Have you ever watched a bunch of chicks with their mother hen? When danger
comes, they instantly scurry toward their mother, who lifts her wings and gathers
them underneath for protection. Could you imagine a hyena bounding into the
chicken yard and one of the chicks running away from the hen and toward the
hyena? That would be one foolish or confused chick. And one very happy hyena!
`And yet so many of us, when problems bound in our lives, we decide to run away
from the Supreme Problem Solver of the universe, rather than toward Him”.
In what direction are you running right now – toward God or away
from Him? Why?
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CHAPTER 7: REMEMBERING WHAT HAPPENED
Case Study
The young lady woke up with the usual big smile. As the Kings daughter, she had servants all
over her. However, the circumstances were strange on that day because her father had
asked her to go attend her step- brother, Amnon, who was unwell. It did not make sense at
all why she had to do it while there were servants all over; nevertheless, she looked forward
to the hour.
At mid-day, Tamar, the young lady quickly made her way to the brother’s house and fixed
the meal. When it was time to serve him, Amnon sent the servant out as Tamar. As Tamar
entered into the room, she noticed that Amnon was still lying in bed and with a fishy smile
on his face. Unaware of what awaited her, she extended her hand to pass the food to him,
but, Lo, and behold, using his left hand, Amnon placed the food on the table while using his
right hand, he pulled Tamar into his bed. Confused, Tamar tried to resist urging him to talk
to their father about the matter. But nothing was going to deter Amnon from his scheme. He
got hold of Tamar and since he was stronger than she, he raped her. Yes, she sexually
abused her sister Tamar.
After the act, with such intense hatred, Amnon threw Tamar out of the house. He actually
called his servant saying, “Get this woman out of my sight and bolt the door after her.” Disgraced,
not knowing where to turn to, Tamar tore the ornate (beautiful) robe she wore; the kind of
garment the virgin daughters of the king wore. She put ashes on her head. She put her
hands on her head and went away, weeping aloud as she went.
Intuitively, her brother, Absalom said to her, “Has that Amnon, your brother, been with you?
Be quiet for now, my sister; he is your brother. Don’t take this thing to heart.” And Tamar
lived in her brother Absalom’s house, a desolate woman.
Reflective Questions
1. Describe the kind of emotions and the effect of the same upon Tamar after her
traumatic experience:
2. Absalom advised Tamar not to “take this thing to heart”; what are your thoughts about
that kind of advice especially as you think of Absalom killing his brother Amnon two
years later (Refer to 2nd Samuel 13):
3. “And Tamar lived in her brothers Absalom’s house, a desolate woman”. Describe how it
was for Tamar to remain isolated in the house. How would have the situation been
handled for Tamar to integrate back to the society? (Desolate also means abandoned,
isolated, forsaken, and deserted).
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“When I kept it all inside, my bones turned to powder, my words became
daylong groans” – Psalm 32:3
“I am better off not remembering”:
Do those words sound familiar? After going through a traumatic experience there is
a tendency to feel numbness, trying to block any thought related to what happened,
not to want to talk about it or turn it off with alcohol/drugs or any other kind of
addiction.
But meditate on King David’s word above; what happened when he kept it all inside?
Like mentioned when discussing PTSD, in a horrific situation, the brains slips into a
defensive stance in order to keep one alive. And events that need to be processed
are suppressed.
But once out of danger, those things need to be thought about, judged, responded
to, connected to your emotions, mourned and filed properly in your mind and life.
When suppressed those events and the emotions that went with along with them,
will become like an infection. When an infection is not dealt with, it gets worse every
day.
Getting the Secrets out:
Most probably Tamar was told by her family not to tell anybody that Amnon had raped her.
In many African cultures, secrets, especially family secrets are highly valued. There are
proverbs like “issues of home are not to be shared just anyhow”. Of course, that is true and
we do not need to wash our dirty linens in the public.
However, to process traumatic events, they must be brought out in a safe and confidential
environment. This is because the more suppressed they are, the more they eat us from
inside, and ultimately one starts wasting away externally.
Exercise: Letter Writing
There are various exercises that can help one in crossing this bridge of bringing out what has
be stored in the mind. For now we are recommending letter writing as healing work- not
play. It is useful to put thoughts into words and then going through the physical action of
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writing them down in the paper. If you can’t write, perhaps you could simply craft an oral
presentation.
Before you engage in the letter writing exercise, keep in mind the following:
The letter is just for you and you are not expected to share it with anybody else;
Spend a few minutes in prayer asking God to direct you and for courage to write.
o “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in
the spirit” Psalm 34:18
Relaxed and focus;
Imagine you are watching a TV show or movie about your traumatic experience;
how would you describe it;
The desire is not to cause more trauma, so if you start experiencing any of the
following, it is time to stop for a while; Fainting spells, uncontrollable shivers,
irregular heartbeat, flashbacks/hallucinations, and thoughts of suicide or killing
someone, nausea and so on.
If you do not think you are capable of writing your story, consider recording it on a
tape recorder or simply tell it to a friend who will write down the main outline of
your story for you.
Remember the following comforting words from Dr. Aphrodie Matsaki’s book, I Can’t Get
Over it:
You will not die, explode, disintegrate, or stop functioning if you dare to remember;
Remembering will not result in the memories actually re-occurring as real-life events
The memories will eventually become less intense.
WRITING YOUR STORY
This exercise has 3 parts:
Part 1: MY LIFE BEFORE TRAUMA
1. Spend some time writing about what life was like before you went through the
traumatic experience. The following questions might stimulate your thinking but no
need to answer all of them- just the ones that you would like to write about- perhaps
three or four.
How was your home like? How did you get along with your family and neighbors?
What did you like or not like about yourself?
What did you believe about God then?
What were you realistic about? Naïve about?
What did you enjoy most? What made you happy?
What was the biggest struggle then?
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What were your friends like?
What were your goals or dreams for yourself then?
Can you think of a “theme” word or sentence for your life before the event?
Part 2: WHAT HAPPENED TO ME DURING THE FIGHTING?
Allow your mind to go back and remember the sensory and emotional details of what
happened. What did you smell? What did you hear? What did you taste? Describe the heat,
cold, and so on. How did the experience make you feel? What were your emotional
reactions to the trauma?
For you to heal completely, the trauma must be reworked not only on the mental level, but
on the emotional level as well. This requires two further processes:
a. First, the feelings generated by the trauma that were not felt at the time
need to be identified
b. Second, and more difficult, the feelings must be experienced, at least in
part, on an emotional level.
The feelings that trauma generated are perhaps the most
powerful feelings known to human beings, among them are fear,
anger, grief and guilt.
Biblical Example: After the nation of Israel was conquered by the Babylonians and taken in
chains to Babylon, their emotions were obviously high. But they did not hold them back.
They experienced and expressed them through their weeping, morning and writing this
lament.
“Beside the rivers of Babylon, we sat and wept as we thought of
Jerusalem.
We put tour harps,
Hanging them on the branches of poplar trees.
For our captors demanded a song from us.
Our tormentors insisted on a joyful hymn:
“Sing us one of those songs of Jerusalem!”
Psalm 137:1-3
Part 3: MY LIFE SINCE THE FIGHTING
Where am I? Here we take realistic account of your life at present – both the good stuff and
the bad. Be honest and open; not only about the facts concerning your current status, but
also how you feel about them. Here are some questions that may stimulate your thinking
(just answer what you feel motivated to answer):
a. In what ways are you different from your pre-traumatic experience?
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b. What kind of work are you doing now, if any? Is this work satisfying or
frustrating? Is it what you expected to be doing?
c. How is your relationship with spouse/family/children/friends/neighbors?
d. Can you remember any recent incidents that really show your current level of
frustration, anger and pain?
e. What are your most frustrating symptoms?
f. What triggers your symptoms and what happens when they are triggered/
produced? How often does it happen?
g. What makes you want to weep, pound the table, kick the wall?
h. What is significance of your traumatic experience to you? Can you find any
meaning in it?
i. How different is your life now and how does that make you feel?
j. What are some positive things that are in your life at present? What gives you
joy, hope, energy?
k. What is fun for you? What do you look forward to doing?
Inviting Jesus into your pain:
“He uncovers deep things out of darkness, and brings the shadow of death to light”
Job 12:22)
Jesus desires to come in every area of our lives and bring healing and victory. He wants to
enter even your darkest, most terrifying corners in order to conquer your enemies hiding
there – whether they are physical, emotional or spiritual.
CLOSURE
It is important, in traumatic events, to carry out a symbolic task to bring a sense of
closure.
There are several rituals one can carry out including burning the written letter;
however, feel free to choose what fits you best.
Some therapy groups have opted to do a candle lighting where the candle goes
round in the group and every person makes a declaration of a new beginning with
Jesus help.
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CHAPTER 8: SELF-HATRED: “AM I VALUED?”
Introduction:
Loss and trauma has been described as the disease of the soul and identity. It often leads to
low self-esteem/negative self-image, broken self-identity or pessimistic self-view, which all
comes down to self-hatred. When severe trauma is experienced, how a person views
themselves is often shaken to the core. Whereas before people used to see themselves as
capable, decisive, strong and worthy; with trauma those qualities are replaced with fear,
confusion, powerlessness and helplessness. While trauma may indeed have started the fire
of self-hatred, Satan adds to that fuel through some unhealthy comments we received or
through negative self-talk (what we tell ourselves about ourselves).
SELF-PERCEPTION ASSESSMENT
Steven Stosney, an international authority on trauma, shares 8 types of self-perception
listed below; the positive side and the negative side; place an X somewhere on each line
that indicates how you currently see yourself:
Respected--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Not Respected
Important -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Unimportant
Forgiven----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Accused/Guilty
Valued-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Not Valued
Accepted----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Rejected
Powerful----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Powerless
Loveable----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Unlovable
Connected-------------------------------------------------------------------------------Separated
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Our enemy, Satan would like us to be on the extreme right, which keeps you in a defenseless
position.
All war is based on deception. Satan has been perfecting his deceptive tactics for thousands of years.
Even when out of danger, Satan continues to attack who we are in Christ as Apostle Paul says, “We
are not ignorant of his schemes.” (2 Corinthians 2:11)
He whispers lies in the subconscious at the weakest moments and he will point incidents that prove
what he wants us to believe about ourselves.
But why should we believe the lies of the enemy and his forces? Let’s begin the journey of building
confidence and restoration as we look at 8 Satan’s deceptive traps and the Biblical truths we need to
stand on. Each lie will be followed by a countering TRUTH that God wants you to hear and believe.
DECEPTION # 1: NOT RESPECTED
Lies of the enemy: “You are nobody. No one cares about you. No one wants to know you. You don’t
deserve the respect that others get. Who do you think you are anyway?”
Have you heard any of those comments before? Have you made them to yourself?
Following the trauma, several things have changed but to say, “Because I was treated unfairly and I
am not functioning as I used to, I am not worthy of respect” is an absolute lie!
YOUR TRUE IDENTITY: RESPECTED
I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business.
Instead, I have called you friends… John 15:15
Now you are no longer a slave but God’s own child. And since you are His child, God has
made you His heir. – Galatians 4:7
That is why Jesus is not ashamed to call them His brothers and sisters. – Hebrews 12:11
YOU ARE KNOWN, LOVED AND CHOSEN BY GOD!
“He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there
is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a
liar and the father of all lies”. John 8:44
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DECEPTION # 2: NOT IMPORTANT
Lies of the enemy: “No one wants to hear my opinions. Don’t call us, we’ll call you. What have you
ever accomplished? My relatives are ashamed of me. ”
Does that ring a bell?
YOUR TRUE IDENTITY: IMPORTANT
But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to
those who believe in His name. – John 1:12
You are the salt of the earth. – Matthew 5: 13
You are the light of the world. Matthew 5:14
YOU ARE A CHILD OF THE MOST HIGH, SALT AND THE LIGHT THAT SHINES.
DECEPTION # 3: ACCUSED/GUILTY
Lies of the enemy: “You did terrible thing. You cannot be forgiven. You need to be punished. You
can’t be trusted. You are hypocrite”.
Ever felt that accusatory language coming from within you?
YOUR TRUE IDENTITY: FORGIVEN
Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. – Romans 8:1
Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus
Christ – Romans 5:1
Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more. – Hebrews 10:17
YOU ARE FORGIVEN AND EMBRACED BY THE LOVING ARMS OF JESUS!
DECEPTION # 4: NOT VALUED
Lies of the enemy:” We don’t need you. Your position does not allow. You don’t have what it
takes. You are worthless. There are others better than”.
YOUR TRUE IDENTITY: VALUED
I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving kindness.” – Jeremiah 31:3
…for God has bought you with a high price” 1 Corinthians 6: 20
But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God,
that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful
light.
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YOU ARE CHOSEN AND BELONG TO THE ROYAL PRIESTHOOD
DECEPTION # 5: REJECTED
Lies of the enemy: “You are a failure. What are your credentials? No one wants you. Everyone
else is better than you. If I speak my mind, they will walk away”.
YOUR TRUE IDENTITY: ACCEPTED
Behold, my servant shall act wisely; he shall be high and lifted up, and shall be exalted
(Isaiah 52:13)
Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace that we may obtain mercy and find
grace to help in time of need. – Hebrews 4:16
Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are continually
before me (Isaiah 49:16).
YOR ARE ENGRAVED ON THE PALMS OF HIS HANDS.
DECEPTION # 6: POWERLESS
Lies of the enemy: “You are weak. You cannot do it. Can’t you do anything right? How helpless can
you be? Someone’s always got to take care of you”.
YOUR TRUE IDENTITY: POWERFUL
For God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound
mind”. – 2 Timothy 1:7
…because greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world”. – 1 John 4:4
…Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God”
1 John 5: 5
ALL AUTHORITY HAS BEEN GIVEN TO YOU
DECEPTION # 7: UNLOVABLE
Lies of the enemy: ”Who would ever love you? Who would think about you in your state? I do not
deal with your type”.
YOUR TRUE IDENTITY: LOVABLE
“…nor any other created thing will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ
Jesus our Lord”. Romans 8: 38, 39
But God showed His great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.
Romans 5: 8
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HIS LOVE FOR YOU IS UNCONDITIONAL
DECEPTION # 8: SEPARATED
Lies of the enemy: “You are all alone and you will always be. Do not bother others; languish in your
pain. People wish you weren’t here. You can survive on your own anyway”.
YOUR TRUE IDENTITY: CONNECTED
All of you together are Christ’s body, and each of you is part of it. – 1 Corinthians
12:27
You are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God’s people and
members of God’s household. – Ephesians 2:19 (NIV)
YOU BELONG TO THE BODY OF CHRIST
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CONCLUSION Regardless of the traumatic experiences you have gone through, we believe that as
you have gone through this book, the Lord has brought some healing and
restoration. He is the healer and we ask that you solely depend on Him as you
continue with this journey.
However, we are calling upon you to walk alongside others in this journey of healing.
In the recent past Kenya has witnessed horrific events of ethnic and political violence
leading to traumatization to adults and children. Reach out to them and patiently
walk with them through this manual.
We humbly recognize that “we are not competent in ourselves to claim anything for
ourselves, but our competence comes from God (2nd Corin. 3:5). May the Lord infill
us with His Holy Spirit as we become the bearer of Good news that bring healing and
restoration.
“A HEART AT PEACE GIVES LIFE TO THE BODY”
Proverbs 14:30
And the things you have heard me
say in the presence of many
witnesses entrust to reliable men
who will also be qualified to teach
others” (2nd Tim. 2:2)