Employee & Family Resources 515.244.6090 or 800.327.4692 | TTY 877.542.6488 | www.efr.org

Coping with Grief After a Sudden Death

A sudden death brings particular feelings and issues. Shock and disbelief are caused by the unexpected and devastating nature of the experience. While you can never feel completely prepared for a death, a sudden death leaves a person feeling particularly vulnerable. Itisnotpossibletoaddressthemanyissuesexclusivetothedifferenttypesofsuddendeath,suchasmurder,miscarriageortraumaticaccident.However,therearesomesimilarissuesandspecificfeelingsthatpeoplegrievingasuddendeathmostcommonlyconfront.

Shock.Themostoverwhelmingandcommonreactiontoasuddendeathisshockanduncertainty.Thisresultsinfeelingdisconnectedtoyourfeelingsortootherpeople;itcanseemasifyouarelivinginadream.

Theinitialnewsandstagesofgriefareoftencharacterizedbydisbelief.Thiscanbeaccompaniedbyfeelingsofnumbnessorabeliefthatthepersonisstillpresent.

Whentherehasbeenadeathwithoutanyphysicalevidence,asinaplanecrash,youareleftwithlingeringhopeandexpectationthattherehasbeenamistake.

Theunexpectednatureofthedeathcanleaveyouwithan“absentgrief,”asiftheeventhasnotoccurredorthesignificancehasnotregisteredoryetbeenacknowledged.

Notonlyareyousubjecttotheusualgrieffeelings,youhavealsobeendeprivedoftheopportunitytoprepareforthedeath.Youwerenotabletograduallyunderstand,copeoradjusttothepossibilityofthedeathorsaygoodbyeinapersonallysatisfyingway.

Itiscommontobedistressedbyfeelingsofunfinishedbusinessandmissedopportunities,andregretsforthingsnotdoneorsaidtothepersonwhohasdied.

Thesurvivorsmayencountertremendousfeelingsofguilt,believingandwishingtherewassomethingtheycouldhavedonetopreventthedeath.

Itiscommonforsurvivorstoblamethemselvesortosearchforanswersandmeaningbyseekingthecauseofdeathinsomethingorsomeone.

Strongfeelingsofhelplessnessmaybemanifestedindisplaysofanger,agitation,orimmobilization.

Becauseofthesuddennatureofthedeath,youmayexperienceanunexpectedsequenceoffeelings.Specifically,youmayhaveadelayedgriefreactionresultingfromthedifficultyofbeingabletoinitiallycomprehendtheeventsormeaningofthedeath.

Otherissues

Therearemedicaland/orlegalactionsthatmayoccursurroundingasuddendeathandmayvarydependingonwherethedeathtookplace.Familymembersmaybeinvolvedinthingssuchasidentificationofthepersonandissuesofaccountabilityincludingcriminalproceedings.

Employee & Family Resources 515.244.6090 or 800.327.4692 | TTY 877.542.6488 | www.efr.org

Intheinstanceofsuddendeath,thebereavedshouldseekoutagencies,individualsandservicesrelatedtothetypeofdeath.Forexample,StateandCountyVictim‐WitnessAssistanceProgramscanofferhelpunderstandingyourrightsunderthelaw,financialhelpwithfuneralexpenses,coverageoflossofincome,counselingresourcesandreimbursementforphysicalandmentalhealthcare.Withrespecttoyouremotionalneedsimmediatelyfollowingasuddendeath,youmayneedhelpthatissimilartocrisisinterventioninordertogetthroughtheshockanddisbeliefoftheevent.Comingtotermswith,andunderstanding,therealityofthedeathbecomesamajorfocusinthebeginningstages.Overtime,thebereaveddealwithissuesandfeelingscomparabletootherdeathexperiences.Ifengaginginactivitiesrelatedtothedeceasedordisturbingthoughtsaboutthemannerofthedeathoccur,speakingwithaprofessionalcanbehelpful.Copingtips

Considersharingyourthoughtsandfeelingswithotherswhohaveexperiencedasimilarloss.

Paycloseattentionto,andgethelpfor,anychangesinphysicalandemotionalhealthastheymayberelatedtotheloss.

Talktoprofessionals,familyandfriendstohelpgainperspectiveaboutthedeathanddecreasefeelingsofguilt.

Becomeeducatedaboutthecauseofdeath.

Acceptratherthandenyyourfeelings,evenunpleasantonessuchasanger.

Beactiveinmakingchoicesaboutengaginginactivitiesandrituals.

ByRobinF.Goodman,PhD,ATR‐BC©2000Lifescape