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Controlling our Anger Before it Controls Us -By Dr. Ida Greene

The emotion of anger has many purposes, some of which can serve us well.

Anger can be used by others to confuse or control you. In conflict resolutionanger is a useful emotion when used to support yourself against attack byothers. Anger takes away your energy, because it charges you emotionally,even when used constructively. Because of its potential to hurt or destroyone's self-confidence, anger must be under your control. It can be likened toan atomic bomb when uncontrolled.

Anger is a major block to your self-esteem and self-image. Anger is also achoice we make. We decide how we will react to a perceived threat to ourego, or emotional well being. It is a signal to help you see what is going on inyour emotions, to find the cause of the anger. Everybody has his or her own

definition of anger. Webster's New World Dictionary defines anger as: afeeling of displeasure resulting from mistreatment, injury, and opposition,usually showing itself in a desire to fight back at the supposed cause of thefeeling.

Anger is a valuable signal, because it lets us know when something is wrongor a problem. It does not solve the problem. Often when we are angry, oneof these things is happening:1. We want something and are not getting it.2. From past experience, we expect trouble.3. We have feelings of powerlessness.4. Sad feelings5. Feelings of grief that connect us with strength and joy.6. Depression7. Feelings of negativity about life, self, and people.

In confronting anger, remember you have three options:1. You can choose to react angrily or not.2. You can become aware of what you are feeling.3. You can be aware of the intensity of your anger, if you are in control ofyour anger, or if it controls you.

Anger moves through the following stages if it is not resolved immediately1. Frustration Based on unfulfilled expectations2. Disappointment Based on unfulfilled expectations. To prevent anger,look into the situation and get the facts.3. Embarrassment Based on unfulfilled self-image, and a desire to create anew self-image.4. Guilt Based on social expectations you have accepted, and or adecision to hide or avoid something.5. Fear of rejection Based on unknown expectations with probability ofconsequence. Confront the situation/person/behavior, explore the cause

then decide if you want to avoid it.

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Alternatives To An Anger ReactionTo change your expression of anger, you must change your thinking.Change what you say to yourself in your head, in response to the externalevent. These four steps can help:

1. Take time to rethink on what has provoked you.2. Use a planned relaxation technique3. Stay calm and keep your cool4. Ask yourself if you are overreacting, justifying your right to be angry, ortaking thing too seriously.

What Causes AngerAnger is triggered by external events called provocations, which createanger thoughts, anger arousal, and angry actions. All of these stimulateeach other until they are fused together, in an anger feedback loop thatleads to destructive consequences. An angry outburst can be likened to a

hurricane or tornado, as the center of the energy gets smaller, the tensionbecomes greater, making it harder to generate productive actions to change.And productive actions cannot be made when the anger feedback loop iscompletely fused. Your anger work out will prevents fusion or confusion.

The Major Causes of Anger Are:1. Dependency Relationships2. Resentment3. Grief4. Victim Mentality5. Abusive Relationships6. Low Self-Esteem

When you develop inner control of a powerful emotion like anger, youbecome powerful. When your outer environment controls you, you lose theopportunity to have inner control. To become good at any skill, whether it iscontrolling your physical expression of anger or your tongue, requirescontinuous practice.

Ten Steps to Control Your Anger:1. Make a list of things that make you mad, and memorize it.

2. Talk about you feelings, let people know when things bother you.

3. When you feel angry, do something with the energy. Slowly breathe inand out ten times. On the exhale, spread you fingers apart widely andimagine the negative energy leaving your body as you do so.

4. When you feel the urge to strike out at someone, raise your shoulders, asyou breathe in deeply; rapidly lower your shoulders as you exhale. Noticeyour jaw muscles, shoulders, hands, chest, and torso muscles. Get in touchwith what you are angry about, and with whom you are angry. And think of

what situation from your past childhood made you angry.

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5. Make peace with yourself and the person who is the object of your anger.Forgive yourself first. Then apologize to the other person for your lack ofcontrol.

6. Mentally visualize two paths. Have one of these paths be positive,

pleasant, and full of light. Have the other path be dark, gloomy, anddepressive. Then send your angry feelings down the dark path and over thecliff.

7. Notice if you feel like yelling, screaming, or hitting. Before you act on youranger, think of why you are angry. Is your angry feeling legitimate, or did youcreate a situation to justify your need to be angry?

8. Talk your way through your anger. Tell yourself you can change frombeing a reactor of your emotions to being a processor. Notice your thoughts,change negative thoughts to positive.

9. Change the image you have of yourself from "blowing your stack, to beinga cool headed person." Whenever you are able to control your anger,reinforce it by saying something kind to yourself.

10. Daily seek ways to change your image, inner thoughts, and outerbehavior, so the two match.

Always assume responsibility for what you are feeling, and own all yourfeelings including anger. Anger that is unresolved turns into resentment,envy, jealousy, revenge, and hatred. Unresolved anger, manifests asdepression. There is always an underlying feeling of inadequacy when youare angry. Taking responsibility for these feelings and how you cope withthem can enhance your self-esteem and will bring harmony to your life andyour relationships.