Controlling Anger Before it Controls You

A One Day Primer

Controlling Anger Before it Controls You

A One Day Primer

Module 1: Understanding Anger

In the Module, we will learn how to:

• Define anger

• Uncover the costs of anger

• Explore the benefits of anger

• Apply skills for success

Defining Anger

• All of us have experienced anger in some way.

• Can you recall a time when you felt angry? Close your eyes for a moment and recall a time when your anger flared. Can you recall the physical feelings that accompanied that anger?

• What is the common expression for “stand and fight or run away”?

The Costs of Anger

• Most of our beliefs about anger develop when we are young.

• How did your family – in particular your grandparents and parents – show their feelings to one another? What did they say or show when they were angry?

• How did what you saw influence the way you get angry?

The Costs of Anger

• In the workplace, we understand that anger expressed could mean that we get reprimanded, fired, or passed over for promotion.

• But what if we could learn how to turn our anger into something positive and become stronger at work because of it?

The Costs of Anger

• Think about the myths that you have may have learned about anger. – If I share my opinion, it will start an argument.– Anger is about winning or losing. – If I get angry, I will be abandoned.– Anger = violence. – Avoid anger and conflict if you want good

relationships. – The winner is usually the biggest or loudest. – If I get angry, I am a bad person. – If you do things my way, I don’t get angry.

The Costs of Anger

The Costs of Anger

• Are you surprised that some of these statements are myths?

• How do they impact the way you express anger today?

The Costs of Anger

• The way we choose to express anger can create problems.

• Have you ever considered the potential to benefit from anger in the way that we do other emotions, such as happiness?

• Anger, when expressed in a healthy and positive way, can get you what you need or desire.

The Benefits of Anger

• In most cases, our expressions of anger do not bring about change in others, even when we keep trying.

• Think of working with an older child or a colleague. They do something wrong like tell a terrible lie. You get angry and yell at them never to do that again, that lying is wrong, and they were stupid to think that you would not find out. Does that reaction stop the lying behavior?

The Benefits of Anger

• Discuss the implications of this kind of common reaction to lying. Does the teenager or co-worker get a payoff if they stop lying?

The Benefits of Anger

• One harmful aspect of anger is that although we may believe that we have been offended and must act on that injustice, our responses can often be dangerous.

• Think about:– “Going postal”

– School shootings

The Benefits of Anger

• If we take the time for purposeful and constructive action, the path that we take to deal with our anger can actually be a positive one.

• Think about:– MADD

• Expressing our anger constructively means we can solve problems and get things done that may not happen otherwise.

The Benefits of Anger

• List five things you can get done by addressing anger constructively.

The Benefits of Anger

• There is no convincing evidence that suppressed anger is harmful when we feel in control of the situation and when we assess the anger as a grievance that can be constructively corrected.

• If the source of your anger cannot be corrected by expressing anger, then don’t.

The Benefits of Anger

• If you are suppressing anger and feel you have no control, that suppression leads to the same physiological reactions that anger can (increased heart rate, blood pressure, face flushing, muscle tension).

• Continually venting anger can also be unhealthy, leading to physical and emotional problems.

The Benefits of Anger

• It is important to recognize that if someone is angry, we do not have to change who we are or the things that we do just because they want us to.

• When you feel angry over something and you want to do something about it, you are receiving a call to action.

Skills for Success

• Discuss Terry and the Critter Caper.

• How can Terry manage this situation constructively?

Skills for Success

Summary

• Some of us are conditioned to believe that expressing anger is undesirable or puts us in a weakened position.

• By looking at the myths that surround anger, we are developing an understanding of healthy and unhealthy ways to respond to that anger.

• We can successfully deal with anger in ways that lead to a positive, healthy response.

Review Questions

1. What are some of the physical signs of anger?

2. What are four anger myths?

3. Where do we learn how to manage anger?

4. If we feel angry about something and want to do something about it, we are receiving a ______________________.

5. Is this statement true or false: Anger is always negative. Explain your answer.

Module 2: The Causes of Anger

In this Module we will learn to:

• Differentiate between buttons and triggers.

• Identify precipitating factors.

• Explore different kinds of distorted thinking.

• Define miscommunication in anger management.

Buttons and Triggers

• Hot buttons are things that are true about ourselves that we may feel ashamed of or try to pretend do not exist.– Feeling bad about our bodies is a common hot

button.

Buttons and Triggers

• Triggers are experiences that can remind us of grief or trauma from the past.– In North America, asking someone what they were

doing on 9/11 brings a barrage of memories.

• A trigger can bring a memory of an argument or conflict flooding back, and all the physical effects, such as an increase in your heart rate, flushed face, or tense muscles also recur.

Buttons and Triggers

• Different people have different triggers. When you understand what your own triggers are, you can plan ways to deal with them in a healthy way.

• This could include asking for help, good preparation, and avoiding some triggers completely.

• Use the chart on the next slide to identify some of your own triggers.

Buttons and TriggersSight Unhealthy Anger Response

Wet towel on the bed or floor. Yelling at my kids/spouse/partner.

Sounds Unhealthy Anger Response

Dripping eavestrough. I feel helpless.

Touch Unhealthy Anger Response

Being touched by people I do not know. I want to strike out and hit them.

Smell Unhealthy Anger Response

The basement smells damp again. I yell at my house to get a new dehumidifier.

Gesture Unhealthy Anger Response

My teenager rolls his eyes at me. I yell at my teen to listen and be respectful.

Dates or Holidays Unhealthy Anger Response

Christmas I get depressed and am unable to get anything ready.

Buttons and Triggers

• You may establish a plan of action to deal with your anger in a healthy way.

• First, choose one or two triggers that are interfering with being a part of a healthy workplace or home, and then develop an action plan for them.

Buttons and Triggers

Trigger and Behavior Action Plan

Yelling at my kids when they leave wet towels on the bed or floor.

Cool off before I speak to anyone about the towels.

Picture myself as calm and peaceful.

Work toward accepting my feelings of frustration.

Resolve underlying issues by implementing consistent consequences for family members who do not follow rules.

Precipitating Factors

• This term refers to the fact that if you are already frustrated about one thing, a trigger that goes off could bring you to anger much faster than usual.

• Are you ever distracted by precipitating factors? Do you sometimes drive to a place and not know how you got there?

Distorted Thinking

• Distorted thinking is defined as a reasoning process that distorts reality.

• It is a common source of unhealthy anger.

• When we learn to reduce the amount of distorted thinking we use, we can also reduce our experiences with inappropriate or unhealthy anger.

Distorted Thinking

Distorted Thinking includes:– Should/Must Thinking

– Circular Questioning

– Black and White Thinking

– Can’t Thinking

– Overgeneralization

– Labels

– Magnification

– Minimizing

– Personalization

Should/Must Thinking

• Occurs when we transform personal choices or preferences into absolutes.

• Do you catch yourself using self-talk like this?– I should have done that.

– I must do it this way.

– I ought to have known.

Circular Questioning

• Repeatedly asking questions that are irrelevant or that you know the answer to.

Asking this question… Is the same as saying…

Why did I do that? I shouldn’t do that.

Why can’t I be better at this? I should be better at this.

How could he do that? He shouldn’t be doing that.

Can’t Thinking

• Leads us to sabotage ourselves.

Making this statement…

Could be the same as saying…

I can’t lead this meeting. I don’t want to lead this meeting.

I can’t control myself. I don’t want to control myself.

Black and White Thinking

• Tendency to express things as “all or nothing” events or qualities.

• You will recognize the use of terms like “right,” “wrong,” “good,” or “bad.”

Overgeneralization

• The application of a single negative event into a pattern of never ending defeat or misfortune.

• Characterized by words like “never,” “always,” and “every.”

Labels

• Tendency to resort to simplistic and negative labels to define ourselves and our behavior.

• These labels actually exaggerate our shortcomings or mistakes. – “I am such a dummy/jerk/loser.”

Magnification

• Includes catastrophizing, commonly referred to as making mountains out of molehills.

• We can exaggerate a personal flaw, a small negative experience, or the abilities of someone else.– A bad hair day becomes, “I am so ugly.”

Minimizing

• When we discount our personal strengths and abilities or reduce the impact of mistakes and imperfections of others.– Imagine that someone ruins your shirt by spilling

wine on it. If you say that it’s nothing, but are upset about your shirt, you are minimizing.

Personalization

• Assuming responsibility for a negative event, even though you have no basis to do so.– When you receive an e-mail that says, “Forward this

message to all of your friends or you will have bad luck for three years,” you ignore the message until one day, walking down the street, you trip over nothing and sprain your ankle. The message that you ignored starts poking at your memory. Thinking that if you had forwarded the message, this would not have happened to you, is an example of personalization.

Personalization

• The next time you receive an e-mail message from someone that has a closing line like the one on the previous slide, or that says if you receive this message back from two people you are a loser; from five people, you are an OK friend; from ten people you are a good friend, etc., your challenge is to remove the threat from the end of the message before you forward it.

Emotional Reasoning

• Using emotions as a way to evaluate a situation, event, or what we believe. – “I can’t believe I screwed that up. I am such a

loser.”

Exercise Your Thinking

• Let’s look at an example of distorted thinking.

• Read Dot’s Story and then underline the statements that reflect a form of distortion.

• When you have finished, we will look at ways to challenge those thoughts and re-frame them.

Dot’s Story

Dot’s Story

I had bought an old house and was doing some renovations. My plastering was not perfect, but I was feeling proud of the fact that I was learning to do these things. My brother and his wife came to visit and, when he saw my work, my brother said, “I wouldn’t have done it like that, but if you can live with it, I guess it’s OK.”

As soon as the words got to my ears I was ready to explode! I can’t stand it when he does this. Everyone picks on me. They never help me with this stuff. They just wait until I screw up and then laugh at me. It isn’t fair.

Miscommunication

• Miscommunication is a prominent factor in provoking anger.

• If you consider precipitating factors again, can you think of ways that miscommunication can also be a precipitating factor?

Miscommunication

• What are two elements to this miscommunication example?

Summary

• Understanding hot buttons and triggers helps us control our anger.

• When we exist in denial, lacking awareness of our buttons and triggers, we are more likely to exist within an environment of unhealthy anger as events around us continually provoke negative reactions.

Review Questions

1. Describe should/must thinking.

2. Describe magnification.

3. Explain how precipitating factors can worsen miscommunication.

4. What is the difference between a trigger and a hot button?

5. What is the value in developing an action plan as a response to triggers and behaviors?

Module 3: Understanding Behavior Types

In this Module, we will learn to:

• Differentiate between different behavior types.

• Develop an understanding of the different ways that people express anger.

• Learn to recognize signs of manipulation.

Behavior Types Abound

• Just as there are different people in the world, there are different ways to express ourselves.

• Once you understand your preferred approach for dealing with anger, you can also recognize how other people express it.

• Use this knowledge as part of your tool kit for managing your anger proactively and in healthy ways to avoid the side effects of holding onto stuff that is unhealthy.

Passive Behavior

• Passive behavior refers to the responses that you choose when you are so angry that you do not appear to even respond.

• These behaviors can be the way that people look good despite doing bad things.

• Passive behaviors can be covert, hostile, and even nothing (where you are behaving badly simply by refusing to act).

Manipulative Behavior

Manipulation is:

• Really a type of passive behavior.

• Controlling people without their knowledge.

• A way to create an environment we can tolerate when we work with difficult people.

• Sometimes the action of choice when we do not want to confront someone constructively.

Assertive Behavior

• Assertive is defined in the Oxford Dictionary of English as “having or showing a confident personality.”

• When we discuss strategies to manage anger, we can apply assertive behavior when it comes to confronting someone else’s behavior.

• Assertive means that we are looking out for ourselves and that we can say what needs to be said at the appointed time.

Assertive Behavior

• Describe a way that you could be assertive about your need to express your anger.

• What does that mean?

Aggressive Behavior

• Aggressive is “ready or likely to attack or confront; characterized, by or resulting from, aggression.”

• Usually takes place with all of the physiological signs of anger:– Increased heart rate

– Increased blood pressure

– Flushed face

– Tense muscles

Aggressive Behavior

• Write 3 to 4 points that describe an aggressive response to the garbage example.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior

• Passive-aggressive behavior is passive planning (conscious or unconscious) that results in overtly aggressive, even violent, behavior.

• For example, the husband who criticizes his wife’s cooking (nicely, because she has ruined an expensive roast again) but gets no response, and then discovers that all of his white underwear has been washed with the red towel and is now pink, is experiencing passive-aggressive behavior.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior

• Passive aggression comes in different forms, but with common elements.

• Normally, the person is struggling against anger, often with helplessness, feelings of inadequacy, and a lack of control. In order to feel that they have some control but remain “good” on the outside, they manipulate situations.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior

• A destructive cycle occurs when a passive-aggressor manipulates someone who is outwardly hostile or aggressive.

• The passive-aggressor may not recognize how destructive their actions are. You can ask them:

– “What are you thinking?”

– “You have been silent about this; what can I do?”

– “What do you see as the next step?”

– “What is bothering you?”

Summary

• Understanding different behavior types means that you can recognize and work with them.

• A good understanding of your own behavior or responses to anger may allow you to improve your ability to cope, as well as your overall communication strategies.

• Manipulative behaviors can be the most difficult to recognize despite being quite common.

• When people are angry, it is important to recognize that they might be struggling with their own emotional baggage.

Review Questions

1. Define passive-aggressive behavior.

2. Describe the difference between aggressive and assertive behavior.

3. What are some helpful questions to ask someone who is behaving passively?

4. List three ways that people can be manipulated.

5. What are the positive effects of expressing anger aggressively?

Module 4: Using Coping Tools

In this Module, we will learn to:

• Manage our reactions.

• Start and maintain an anger log.

• Constructively analyze and release anger.

• Apply relaxation techniques.

• Use coping thoughts.

• Make the best of things with humor.

Managing Reactions

• Delay tactics, like counting to ten, do nothing to help you deal with underlying anger in a healthy way.

• A constructive release of our anger is a way to rid our bodies of the physical effects, invigorate our minds with positive and healthy cognitive effects, and enrich our spirits through not hanging onto baggage.

Managing Reactions

Ask yourself these questions to uncover what is really behind an angry reaction:

•What have I lost? Is the loss real?

•Was it something important to me? Why was it important?

•What was its value?

•Is this my loss or someone else’s? If it is someone else’s, how do I know about it? Why do I care?

•Do I feel like someone has attacked my dignity? Have I been humiliated or embarrassed in some way?

•Has my reputation been damaged? Was I denied a fair reward or a form of recognition?

•Is the insult unfounded or is it an accurate interpretation of something that I have done? What is it that bothers me so much about this?

•Has my freedom or safety been threatened or removed?

•Have I lost power, authority, influence, or status?

•Thinking objectively, how big is this loss? Will it have an impact anywhere in my life? Are there ways that I can recover or minimize the loss?

•What will happen if I just ignore the issue?

Managing Reactions

• I have lost __________________ and this makes me angry. This loss is important to me because I (value/believe/want or need) __________________________________.

Managing Reactions

• Next, look at the individual or issue who is the target of your anger, and evaluate their intent. Ask yourself:

– Who is responsible for what has happened (the culprit)?

– Did they do this deliberately? If so, how do you know that? How can you find out what their intention really was?

– Do they consider themselves responsible for what took place?

Managing Reactions

One final component is to understand whether a culprit acted unfairly.

•Why do you believe that this action was unfair?

•What would it look like for you to consider it fair?

•What is the culprit’s point of view?

•If the willing culprit were a good friend or someone with a strong sense of fairness, what would they have done? How do you know this?

•What would you have done in a similar situation? What did you do the last time you found yourself in a similar situation?

•What do you see as a fair outcome to this situation? What standard did you use to determine “fair” in this case? It is a widely accepted and well-founded principal of fairness? Is it a standard that the agent would accept?

•How can you check any assumptions that are in this list?

Starting an Anger Log

• An effective way to explore what your own triggers and hot buttons are, as well as your reactions, is to keep an anger log.

• Keeping an anger log will help you to become more aware of the number of times that you become angry, as well as what your reactions are.

Starting an Anger Log

• Each anger “event” gets a separate entry in your log.

• Use “SEFAC” to remember the steps when creating your anger log.– S: Story

– E: Examine beliefs

– F: Feeling

– A: Actions

– C: Challenge

Starting an Anger LogAnger Log

Date

Story

Beliefs

Feelings

Actions

Challenge

Working with Your Emotions

Try some of these techniques to work anger out of your system:

•Play music that helps you express what you are feeling.

•Think about something that made you mildly angry. If you can’t think of anything right away, you can make up a situation.

•Turn your anger into a gesture or movement as you listen to the angry music.

•Get your body into it as you listen; move about the room.

•Has your anger changed at all? How does it feel now? Did you notice a difference in how you felt or the intensity of your anger after you moved around?

•If you don’t notice a decrease in your anger by this point, put on some music that you find soothing and allow yourself to shift to a more neutral place. Again, create a physical gesture or movement that reinforces the feeling of the music.

Thought Patterning

• When you catch yourself thinking an angry thought, write it down. Then, re-write it so that it is positive.

Angry Thought Positive Thought

Nobody makes a fresh pot of coffee but me. These people are so thoughtless!

If the coffee pot is empty, I know how to make more. I like drinking coffee. I will approach my colleagues and remind them that if they finish the coffee in a pot, it is considerate of them to make a fresh pot. Since the machine is new and people may not be familiar with it, I will prepare a “how to make a new pot” sign and post it for people to refer to.

People are always asking me to do more. I am such a pushover for always saying yes.

People often ask me to take on extra tasks. They must like what I do. Rather than let that define that they must like me, I can choose to take on the work or not.

A Model for Confrontation

• There are times that we must assert ourselves and respond to a situation in an appropriate manner.

• Having a model helps us to recall a helpful process and gives us the chance to practice the technique before we need it.

A Model for Confrontation

Confrontation in Five Steps1. Describe a positive future.

2. Outline the specific problem.

3. State why this is a problem.

4. Offer a positive solution.

5. End by recapping the positive future.

A Model for Confrontation

If you can, set up an argument rule list. • We will not have physical contact.

• We will not name call.

• We will not shout (unless both parties agree to it – some people prefer volume).

• We will not interrupt one another.

• We will not walk away unless one of us feels unsafe.

• We will take a full deep breath before expressing our anger.

• We will not answer the phone or door.

• Everyone will do their best to keep the argument in the present and not bring in anger from the past.

Relaxation Techniques

• Releasing anger in the workplace can be related to what is commonly referred to as “stress management.”

• Basic things like exercise, good sleep, ample nutrition and building strong relationships, all reduce stress and your susceptibility for anger.

Relaxation Techniques

• A helpful relaxation technique is meditation.

• In an anger management context, some people who are trying to deal with their anger solely through mediation and prayer can spend several hours a day working at it. In reality, most of us do not have that luxury of time.

• In addition, some of those people are not actually releasing their anger; they are quashing it.

Relaxation Techniques

• If you use meditation or prayer as a way to resolve anger, there are a couple of important features that you must include:

• Anger is an emotion. You must feel it in order to release it.

• You cannot give your anger to anyone else in the hope that you will no longer be affected by it.

Coping Thoughts

• In the midst of an angry confrontation – whether started by you or someone else – it may not be safe to express your own anger. In those cases, it may be necessary to cope with the anger and then find a safe way to express it later.

Coping Thoughts

• Anger will seep out slowly or burst explosively unless we actually let it out intentionally. While we need to release anger physically, it does not have to be violent/loud.

• A release can be as simple as breathing deeply, making ugly faces, or sharing your outrage with a friend.

• The important thing is that no one is hurt, threatened, or frightened by your release.

Coping Thoughts

• Here are the most common reasons that people choose not to release their anger:– They don’t know how to release their anger safely.

– They get embarrassed thinking about screaming or yelling and being judged by a possible bystander.

– They are afraid. They have learned that anger is equal to pain and that if they express anger, they will hurt someone or themselves. Emotional release work can be frightening because the thought of working hard to get anger out feels like we are giving up control. However, emotional release work is done in safe and appropriate circumstances which means that you remain in control at all times.

Using Humor

• When we use humor as a way to manage – and release – anger, we can diminish its effects on ourselves.

• You can apply mindfulness to laughter; purposely laughing heartily to release tension stored in our bodies and minds is a very effective way to relieve our bodies of anger.

Using Humor

• Think of a time when you felt really angry. • Does your physical self react to the memory? • Can you recall the physical sensations that

accompanied your anger? • Can you take the story of that time and turn it

into a humorous anecdote that would make your friends or loved ones hold their sides with laughter?

• If so, you have reframed an angry moment into a humorous one. Good for you!

A Model of Release

• There are different methods for releasing anger; the right one for one person may not be right for everyone, just like people need different foods to be nourished.

• Releasing anger should be controlled and safe for the angry person as well as any bystanders.

• Releasing anger should be done with intention and awareness.

A Model of Release

• You can choose adapt this model to your needs.

• The steps are to:

– Interrupt

– Assess the situation

– Respect

– Release

– Forgive

Interrupt

• In order to remain in control, to diffuse an emotional or anger filled conversation, step back and assess whether this is part of a pattern. If you can interrupt a pattern, you can reduce the level of anger that you feel.

• Name three ways that you could interrupt the pattern of argument in the example.

Assess the Situation

• Look at the situation unfolding as objectively as possible.

• Is there an opportunity here for you to do some damage control?

• Are you aware of the triggers for this angry response (whether it is your anger or someone else’s)?

• Is there a healthy way to diffuse and then work through the anger?

• If the situation is dangerous, can you remove yourself safely, and if so, how?

Respect

• When a situation becomes volatile, it is important to conduct yourself in a respectful manner, just as it is important that you treat everyone else respectfully.

• What are three ways that you can begin a discussion with someone, despite being angry, while maintaining respect for that other person and yourself?

Release

• Releasing anger is about actually, physically, feeling the feelings that are present at the time they occur and then intentionally behaving in a manner that discharges them from your body.

• We have already discussed the ways that anger can be unhealthy for our bodies. Write down three key negative effects.

Forgive

• Forgiveness is something that you actually do for yourself, not to make someone else feel better.

• Forgiveness is not:– Letting someone off the hook.

– Denying or ignoring what has happened or your hurt feelings.

– Condoning, justifying, or making excuses for bad behavior.

– Condemning the offender.

– Forgiveness is not trust. Forgiveness can be given, but trust must be earned.

Forgive

• Forgiveness starts with an acknowledgement of your feelings of hurt, anger and even hatred.

• You must analyze the event and determine exactly what you see as injustice.

• Avoid the “why” and be comfortable with understanding “how.”

• The next step is for you to decide to forgive.

• Tell the wrongdoer that you forgive them.

Forgive

• List the six steps for forgiveness.

Notes on Awareness

• Awareness and mindfulness are extremely helpful in releasing anger.

• Awareness refers to being open to all the circumstances of a situation (even the aspects we do not like to admit are present).

• Mindfulness refers to consciously dealing with the situation and, in this situation, purposely allowing those tensions to be released from your body.

Summary

• Understanding anger and the behaviors associated with it is strengthened by the tools to cope with and release tension from our physical body while also having the courage to deal with issues.

• A model for confrontation, as well as a model to release anger, is supplemented with discussion on forgiveness and acting with awareness.

Review Questions

1. List the five steps in confrontation.

2. What are the principles of forgiveness?

3. Can humor be used affectively in anger management? If so, how?

4. What is the value in keeping an anger log?

5. What are two ways to release anger?

In this Module, we will learn to:

• Apply good listening skills.

• Ask the right questions.

• Solve problems effectively.

• Develop assertiveness in order to get what we need.

Module 5: Communication Skills

• When we actively listen to someone, we have to put all other brain noise away. We need to hear what the person is saying. Observe their body language (unless we’re speaking over the phone or online).

• When someone is listening closely to what you say, what sort of body language or words do you expect?

Listening Skills

• Read the following statements closely and then write your rating on the line beside each statement. – I check my watch when people speak with me.

– I plan my response before the person gets through their question or statement.

– I have been known to misunderstand what someone means.

– I have upset a good friend, child or co-worker by not listening to them.

– I have upset a parent, spouse or significant other by not listening to them.

– I have a tight schedule so very little time for chit chat.

– When someone shares a problem with me, I want to solve it for them, not just hear about it.

– When I go in to a restaurant and the server explains what the special is, I quickly forget it.

– When I am watching television, I tend to change the channels in mid-program.

– I argue with people that they have never told me about something, even though they are certain that they did tell me.

Listening Skills

• Two powerful roadblocks on our journey through life can be mind reading and passing judgment.

• If you feel yourself getting angry, or that angry feelings are intensifying, you could be entering the mind reading trap or passing judgment. You need to ask yourself some questions.

Asking Questions

Asking Questions

Mind Reading Judgment Reality Truth

Jim is mad at me. Jim’s jealous that I have been asked to present the report at the shareholder meeting.

Jim got stuck in a fifteen minute lineup at the coffee shop. Jim was worried that he kept you waiting too long.

Jim is happy that you are doing the presentation. He likes working with you and thought you should have been presenting the last report too.

Asking Questions

When you are ready to start asking questions:

• Avoid using ones that start with “why” or “how”

• Also avoid personalizing by using “you”.

• During the next week, keep track of the number of times you notice yourself mind reading and making unfair judgments.

• Then, get real on each one by asking questions.

Moving Forward

• Just because we have learned to express our anger does not mean that everything will change the way we want it to.

• Don’t let fear hold you back.

• Use the resources you have (friends, acquaintances, support groups, etc.) to help you with your fear.

Solving Problems

1. Identify apparent problem2. Seek and analyze the causes3. Define the real problem 4. Identify alternative solutions5. Choose the best solution6. Plan a course of action7. Implement the plan

Solving Problems

Apply the seven-step model to Gina’s punctuality problem that we discussed earlier today.

Apparent problem

Causes

Real problem

Alternative solutions

Best solution

Course of action

How Gina can start implementing the plan

Assertiveness

• Assertiveness is about behaving with outward confidence.

• When you use assertiveness techniques like establishing rules for confrontation and having steps to follow, you will find that you actually resolve tensions.

Summary

• People who have excellent listening skills are important assets in the workplace.

• Once you have learned to approach conflict assertively and skillfully, you will find that your enjoyment of work improves dramatically.

• Asking the right questions and avoiding mind reading and judging makes you an effective anger manager.

Review Questions

1. If you give someone an ultimatum in a fit of anger, and later want to withdraw it, what are your options?

2. Describe mind reading.

3. Explain why anger management is a key skill in the workplace.

4. Why is assertiveness an important part of communication?

5. What is one way to ensure we listen well?