conflict resolution

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Conflict Resolution:

When Crucial Conversations Matter

By Stephanie Demiris, MA

Member Relations & Services Specialist, AACN



Objectives:

•

Gain a mutual understanding of the definition ofconflict resolution.

• Gain a mutual understanding of what crucialconversations are and when we need to have them?

• Identify our individual styles under stress.

• Gain a mutual understanding of the key components ofconflict resolution.

• Explore the art of contrasting.• Role playing group activity

•

Bring it all together.



Conflict Resolution Defined:

What is conflict resolution?Conflict resolution is a process of working through opposing views inorder to reach a common goal or mutual purpose.

Historical context of conflict resolution:• Evolved in 1950s and 1960s at the height of the Cold War when

the development of nuclear weapons and conflict betweensuperpowers was threatening human survival.

• Small group of scholars from different disciplines cametogether to study conflict as a general phenomenon (e.g.,international relations, domestic politics, industrial relations,communities, families and between individuals).

• Conflict resolution as we know it in the business world cameabout in the late 1980s and early 1990s.



Crucial Conversations:

A discussion between two or more people where:

• The stakes are high• Opinions vary

• Emotions run strong

We typically handle these conversations by:

• Avoiding them

• Facing them and handling them poorly• Facing them and handling them well



Two Responses to Crucial Conversations:

Fight or Flight

or

Silence to Violence



If we go to silence:

• We avoid – we steer clear of sensitive subjects;quickly change the subject

• Don’t say anything – we withdraw or leave

• Blame the group, hoping the message will hit theright target

• Looks of disgust

•

Sarcasm – we mask our true feelings; we sugarcoat

We go to silence when we feel unsafe



If we go to violence:

• We verbally attack – we are threatening or belittling• Act like we know everything

• We discredit others

•

Use the power of the boss to force our way• Control – we force our views by cutting others off,

speaking in absolutes, changing subjects and in turnnot giving others a chance to share their view

• Subtly manipulate

• We label or stereotype

We go to violence when we feel unsafe



Why should we have crucial

conversations?

• It will improve our health

•

It will improve our relationships

• It will enhance our job performance and success

• It will make a difference



How do we have crucial conversations?

DIALOGUE



What’s your style under stress?

• Let’s find out by spending some time answering thequestions.

• When you complete the questions, refer to thescoring sheet to find out what your score means.

-We are always in control to change our behavior-



Key Components of Conflict Resolution:

There are 4 key components to conflict resolution:

• Controlling emotional responses

• Seeking understanding

• Identifying needs and common interests

• Seeking mutual benefit or purpose



Control Emotional Responses:

•

Start with yourself first – the only person you can control

• Reflect – what story are you telling yourself about thesituation? Is it either/or thinking (look for the “and”)?

• recognize how you are positioned (your personal bias’;

your beliefs, attitudes, values, etc.).

• Clarify what you don’t want

• Ask yourself what your motives are. Do others trust

your motives?• Ask yourself what you really want out of this. Do others

believe I care about their goals in the conversation?

-Step Out. Make It Safe. Step Back In.-



Seek Understanding:

• Master your story• Notice your behavior – are you moving to silence orviolence?• Get in touch with your feelings• Refocus on facts – hold your view as a hypothesis (we are

aware of our own intentions, but we are rarely aware ofother person’s intentions)

• Ask for their story• Make it safe – help make others feel safe to share their

story• Carefully listen – acknowledge feelings• Be willing to change your story as they add to the pool of

shared meaning

• Keep in mind . . . .•

Storytelling is automatic and happens quickly• A set of facts can be used to tell a number of stories• Once a story is told, it controls us



Understand Impact and Intentions:

Event

Our past

stories,

experiences

and life

history

Our values

and

identities

We react to

the feelings

from these

thoughts

We judge

and

interpretother’s

intent

We

interpret

the impact

on us

We

Interpret

what we

see/hear



Identify Needs and Common Interests:

• Listen and hear clearly what others need

•

Look for mutuality

• Use contrasting statements to state clearly what your needs are



Why Contrasting Statements?

• Contrasting statements are Do/Don’t statementsthat:

• Address others’ concerns that you don’t respect them orthat you had a malicious purpose (e.g., I don’t want . . . .)

• Confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose (e.g.,I do want . . . .)

• Contrasting is important because:• It deals with the misunderstanding that has put safety

at risk• It provides context and proportion• Can be used as prevention or first aid

• Group Contrasting Role Playing Exercise• Break up into 3 groups and spend some time going over

the contrasting activity



Seeking Mutual Benefit or Purpose:

• Commit to seek mutual purpose by truly caring about theinterests of others

• Work towards mutual respect – do others believe I respectthem?

• Brainstorm new strategies together – invite opposingviewpoints and play devil’s advocate

• Agree where you can

• If others leave something out, then agree where you can and

build from there

• If you differ significantly, don’t suggest others are wrong,rather, compare your views.



Points to Consider:

Ask yourself the following questions:

• How did we each contribute to the current

situation?• How can we change it? What can we do about it as

we move forward?

Don’t let the conflict control you.

The conflict is not who we are.



Conclusion:Six things to keep in mind

when in a crucial conversation

• Start with yourself – reflect

• Share your facts

• Tell your story

• Ask for their story (and be open to hearing it!)

• Encourage dialogue by enacting mutual purpose

• Talk, Talk, Talk



References Cited:

American Association of Critical-Care Nurses. 2002. It’s All

About You: A Blueprint for Influencing Practice . Aliso Viejo,Calif: American Association of Critical-Care Nurses Publication.

Patterson, K., et.al. 2002. Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High . New York: McGraw-Hill.

http://www.crucialconversations.com

http://www.crucialconversations.com/

http://www.crucialconversations.com/

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