concise writing part 3

Writing Workshop SeriesConcise Writing

How not to use a needlessly excessive amount of words to write or compose what you really

want to express or communicate when you have a whole lot to write or compose…

Presenter: Rachael Walker Date: October 23, 2015

Outline

Outline

Hitlist Activity

Outline

Hitlist Activity

Email Etiquette

Outline

Hitlist Activity

Email Etiquette

Email Activity

Word Economy

Word Economy

Habitual expressions

Redundancies There is…

Noun constructions Active voice

Wordy verbs Vague nouns

Noun strings Adverbs

Prepositional phrases Inflated words

Word Economy







in the process of doing

Word Economy







in the process of doing doing

Word Economy








specific changes

doing

Word Economy








specific changes

doing

changes

Word Economy








specific changes

make a recommendation

doing

changes

Word Economy








specific changes


doing

changes

recommend

Word Economy








specific changes


is doing, has knowledge of

doing

changes

recommend

Word Economy








specific changes


is doing, has knowledge of

doing

changes

recommend

does, knows

Word Economy








specific changes


is doing, has knowledge offactor, area, aspect, degree

doing

changes

recommend

does, knows

Word Economy








specific changes


is doing, has knowledge offactor, area, aspect, degreehospital employee health program

doing

changes

recommend

does, knows

Word Economy








specific changes



doing

changes

recommend

does, knows

health program for hospital employees

Word Economy








specific changes



really, very, totally, extremely

doing

changes

recommend

does, knows


Word Economy








specific changes



really, very, totally, extremelythe opinion of the group

doing

changes

recommend

does, knows


Word Economy








specific changes




doing

changes

recommend

does, knows

The working group’s opinion


Word Economy








specific changes




utilize, is cognizant of

doing

changes

recommend

does, knows



Word Economy








specific changes




utilize, is cognizant of

doing

changes

recommend

does, knows



uses, knows

Activity

Dear neighbour, Our manufacturing establishment will be opening a new store in the neighbourhood of your home in the near future. In the event that you are not already familiar with ABC Shoes, we would like to place emphasis on the advantages of wearing our shoes.

We are of the opinion that we manufacture the highest quality shoes possible. In addition, our shoes carry a one year guarantee. In the event that you are not completely satisfied with out shoes, we will, without delay, repair or replace them without charge. Our policy is not without misinterpretation. We have never refused to repair or replace a pair of ABC shoes, up until this time.

Your attention is called to the fact that in time past, we have found it impossible to offer our customers shoes at sale prices. At the moment, however, we are in the position to offer you an extremely excellent bargain. From October 16 - October 31, the enclosed coupon will enable you to buy any pair of shoes in our new store at a 20% discounted price.

Do not fail to bear in mind that this sale will not proceed after the 31st of October. Visit our new ABC Shoes Stores in the near future. There is no doubt that you will be pleased with our products and our services.

Yours truly, Melvin Shoemaker Sales Manager

Outline

Hitlist Activity

Email Etiquette

Email Activity

Email Etiquette

Email Etiquette

Email is electronic mail

Email Etiquette

Email is electronic mailNOT

Email Etiquette


Letter format and formalisms

NOT

Email Etiquette



Consider:

NOT

Email Etiquette



Consider:

Audience

NOT

Email Etiquette



Consider:

AudienceTime between correspondence

NOT

Email Etiquette

28%

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39%

Role specific tasksCollaborationResearchEmail

Email Etiquette

Email is free

28%

19%14%

39%


Email Etiquette

Email is freeNOT

28%

19%14%

39%


Email Etiquette

Email is free

Opportunity cost

NOT

28%

19%14%

39%


Email Etiquette

Email is freeNOT

28%

19%14%

39%

Email Etiquette

Email is free

Don’t send it

NOT

28%

19%14%

39%

Email Etiquette

Email is free

Don’t send it

Keep it short

NOT

28%

19%14%

39%

Email Etiquette

Email is free

Don’t send it

Keep it shortInformative subjects

NOT

28%

19%14%

39%

Email Etiquette

Email is free

Don’t send it


Breaking into points

NOT

28%

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39%

Email Etiquette

Email is free

Don’t send it


Breaking into pointsReply to points

NOT

28%

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39%

Email Etiquette

Email is free

Don’t send it



Prioritize

NOT

28%

19%14%

39%

Email Etiquette

Email is free

Don’t send it



PrioritizeMultiple emails

NOT

28%

19%14%

39%

Email Etiquette

Email is free

Don’t send it

Keep it short Informative subjects

Breaking into points Reply to points

Prioritize Multiple emails

NOT

28%

19%14%

39%

Email Etiquette

28%

19%14%

39%

Email Etiquette

Don’t send it

28%

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39%

Email Etiquette

Don’t send it

When asking a question:

28%

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39%

Email Etiquette

Don’t send it


Google, Quora, other resources 28%

19%14%

39%

Email Etiquette

Don’t send it


Google, Quora, other resources

Wait28%

19%14%

39%

Email Etiquette

Don’t send it

28%

19%14%

39%

Email Etiquette

Don’t send it

When answering a question:

28%

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39%

Email Etiquette

Don’t send it


Written record 28%

19%14%

39%

Email Etiquette

Don’t send it


Written record

Archive and search28%

19%14%

39%

Email Etiquette

Email is free

Don’t send it




NOT

28%

19%14%

39%

Email Etiquette

Keep it short

28%

19%14%

39%

Email Etiquette

Keep it short

Email is like an SMS

28%

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39%

Email Etiquette

Keep it short

Email is like an SMS

5 sentence rule

28%

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Email Etiquette

Keep it short

Dear Todd,

There will be a meeting to discuss the new Sage software platform Tuesday, Nov. 2 at 10AM in conference room 2.

Please read the attached information on the software before the meeting.

Thank you, Patty

28%

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39%

Email Etiquette

Email is free

Don’t send it




NOT

28%

19%14%

39%

Email Etiquette

Informative subjects

28%

19%14%

39%

Email Etiquette


Short but informative

28%

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39%

Email Etiquette



70 characters or less

28%

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39%

Email Etiquette




Email in the subject 28%

19%14%

39%

Email Etiquette




Email in the subject

Critical details

28%

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39%

Email Etiquette


28%

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39%

Email Etiquette


"Save the Date"

28%

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39%

Email Etiquette


"Save the Date"

"Event Title, Save the Date: Date.” 28%

19%14%

39%

Email Etiquette


"Save the Date"

"Event Title, Save the Date: Date.”

Example:

28%

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39%

Email Etiquette


"Save the Date"

"Event Title, Save the Date: Date.”

Example:

Annual Christmas Party, Save the Date: Dec. 3, 8PM

28%

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39%

Email Etiquette


28%

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39%

Email Etiquette


An email to a book supplier. Your

company has run out of stock of a

popular book, Fun Language Exercises.

You need to order more copies urgently.28%

19%14%

39%

Email Etiquette


An email to a book supplier. Your

company has run out of stock of a

popular book, Fun Language Exercises.

You need to order more copies urgently.

An email attaching a final report that

you completed, requested by the Chief

of Operations two days ago. You

studied the results of a product trial.

You present your findings with tables,

graphs, and detailed conclusions.

28%

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39%

Email Etiquette

Email is free

Don’t send it




NOT

28%

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39%

Email Etiquette


28%

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39%

Email Etiquette


Wall of text

28%

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39%

Email Etiquette


Wall of text

Use of white space 28%

19%14%

39%

Email Etiquette


Wall of text

Use of white space

Independent thoughts28%

19%14%

39%

Email Etiquette


Wall of text

Use of white space

Independent thoughtsQuestions

28%

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39%

Email Etiquette


Wall of text

Use of white space

Independent thoughtsQuestions

Use bullet points

28%

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39%

Email Etiquette


I had some ideas about using our new Sage software to track renumeration

changes. Is that possible? It doesn't seem possible to do it effectively without putting in a lot of back data. I also thought we might be able to use it to record

promotions. I saw there is a new bulletin on management responsibilities. Did you read it? I think the new employee health program will work out because our

employees have a stake in it, it provides a great benefits package, and it will definitely save us money in the long run.

Email Etiquette


I had some ideas about using our new Sage software to track renumeration changes.

Is that possible?

- It doesn't seem possible to do it effectively without putting in a lot of back data.

I also thought we might be able to use it to record promotions.

I saw there is a new bulletin on management responsibilities. Did you read it?

I think the new employee health program will work out because:

- our employees have a stake in it,

- provides a great benefits package,

- it will definitely save us money in the long run.

Email Etiquette

Email is free

Don’t send it




NOT

28%

19%14%

39%

Email Etiquette

Reply to points

28%

19%14%

39%

Email Etiquette

Reply to points

Discussion

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Email Etiquette

Reply to points

Discussion

Many points

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Email Etiquette

Reply to points

You can't use Sage to track renumeration changes at the moment, but you will be able to do so once we upgrade near the end of the year. Talk to Patty in IT for updates. You’re right that switching will be a lot of work. We are considering hiring temporary data entry technicians. It’s a great idea to use it to track promotions. We’ll be looking into that as well. I haven't seen the bulletin. Can you send it? It’s great that employees feel involved in the health plan. Unfortunately, we might not be able to include the allergy tests in the yearly exam, as it’s too expensive. The prevention program will certainly save us money.

From: Todd in HR >I had some ideas about using our new Sage software to track renumeration changes. Is that possible? > - It doesn't seem possible to do it effectively without putting in a lot of back data. >I also thought we might be able to use it to record promotions. >I saw there is a new bulletin on management responsibilities. Did you read it? >I think the new employee health program will work out because: > - our employees have a stake in it, > - provides a great benefits package, > - it will definitely save us money in the long run.

Email Etiquette

Reply to points

>I had some ideas about using our new Sage software to track renumeration changes. Is that possible?

No, not at the moment. It will me once we upgrade at the end of the year. Talk to Patty in IT for updates.

> - It doesn't seem possible to do it effectively without putting in a lot of back data. Indeed. We are considering hiring temporary data entry technicians.

>I also thought we might be able to use it to record promotions. Great idea! We’ll be looking into this as well.

>I saw there is a new bulletin on management responsibilities. Did you read it? I haven’t seen it. Can you send it?

>I think the new employee health program will work out because: > - our employees have a stake in it,

This is great. > - provides a great benefits package,

Unfortunately, we might not be able to include the allergy tests in the yearly exam, as it’s too expensive. > - it will definitely save us money in the long run.

Agreed!

Email Etiquette

>I had some ideas about using our new Sage software to track renumeration changes. Is that possible?

No, not at the moment. It will me once we upgrade at the end of the year. Talk to Patty in IT for updates.

> - It doesn't seem possible to do it effectively without putting in a lot of back data.

Indeed. We are considering hiring temporary data entry technicians.

>I also thought we might be able to use it to record promotions. Great idea! We’ll be looking into this as well.

>I saw there is a new bulletin on management responsibilities. Did you read it?

I haven’t seen it. Can you send it?

>I think the new employee health program will work out because: > - our employees have a stake in it,

This is great.

> - provides a great benefits package, Unfortunately, we might not be able to include the allergy tests in the yearly exam, as it’s too expensive.

> - it will definitely save us money in the long run.

Agreed!

Email Etiquette

Reply to points

28%

19%14%

39%

Email Etiquette

Reply to points

Exceptions:

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39%

Email Etiquette

Reply to points

Exceptions:

Single point reply

28%

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39%

Email Etiquette

Reply to points

Exceptions:

Single point replyDelete unnecessary points 28%

19%14%

39%

Email Etiquette

Email is free

Don’t send it




NOT

28%

19%14%

39%

Email Etiquette

Prioritize

28%

19%14%

39%

Email Etiquette

Prioritize

Place action items first

28%

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39%

Email Etiquette

Prioritize


Example: 28%

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39%

Email Etiquette

Prioritize


Example:

Two paragraphs on the criteria for new

requirements.

Can you send me a list of our products that meet this criteria before Dec 1?

28%

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39%

Email Etiquette

Prioritize


Example:

Can you send me a list of our products

that meet this criteria before Dec 1?

Two paragraphs on the criteria for a new requirements.

28%

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39%

Email Etiquette

Prioritize


Example:

Can you send me a list of our products

that meet this criteria before Dec 1?

Two paragraphs on the criteria for a new requirements.

28%

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39%

the following

Email Etiquette

Prioritize

28%

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39%

Email Etiquette

Prioritize

Only the top 5 lines will be read

28%

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39%

Email Etiquette

Prioritize

Only the top 5 lines will be read

Sort remaining points 28%

19%14%

39%

Email Etiquette

Email is free

Don’t send it




NOT

28%

19%14%

39%

Email Etiquette

Multiple emails

28%

19%14%

39%

Email Etiquette

Multiple emails

Distinct topics

28%

19%14%

39%

Email Etiquette

Multiple emails

Distinct topics

Individually processed emails 28%

19%14%

39%

Email Etiquette

Multiple emails

I had some ideas about using our new Sage software to track renumeration changes. Is that possible?

- It doesn't seem possible to do it effectively without putting in a lot of back data.

I also thought we might be able to use it to record promotions.

I saw there is a new bulletin on management responsibilities. Did you read it?

I think the new employee health program will work out because: - our employees have a stake in it, - provides a great benefits package, - it will definitely save us money in the long run.

Email Etiquette

Email Etiquette

Use plain text instead of rich text

Email Etiquette


Longer to deliver

Email Etiquette


Longer to deliver

Considered spam

Email Etiquette


Longer to deliver

Considered spamMessy formatting

Outline

Hitlist Activity

Email Etiquette

Email Activity

Email Etiquette

Email 1: An email to your line manager about a training course you would like to go on. Ideas: what the course will teach you; why you would like to go; how you and the organization will benefit; basic information like the cost and dates; whether you want the company to pay all or just a part of the cost etc.

Email 2: An email to all staff about a special event that is going to take place inside the organization. Ideas: a product launch? an anniversary? somebody leaving after long service? basic information like dates and times; what will happen at the event; any action you want staff to take etc.

Email 3: An email to all staff announcing a change in policy or procedure. Ideas: changes to the security procedures in the building? changes to Health and Safety procedures? changes to some aspect of working conditions like office hours or lunch breaks? changes to company policy about personal use of the Internet during working hours? changes to some aspect of company ‘perks’ like a mobile phone, laptop or health club membership?

concise writing part 3

Education