Communications Communications and Conflict-and Conflict-

Management, K. Management, K. Knox 09Knox 09

Ideas fromIdeas from Getting to Yes, Getting to Yes, Choosing Civility, Fierce Choosing Civility, Fierce

Conversations, First Things First, Conversations, First Things First, Difficult Conversations, Verbal Difficult Conversations, Verbal

JudoJudoParts 1, 2, and 3Parts 1, 2, and 3

To a significant extent…

Life is what our relationships make it. ..We exist and we perceive our identity not in a vacuum but rather in relation to others. Life is relational whether we like it or not.

No action of ours is without consequence.

What happens when…• Someone tells you you “have to” do

something or gives you a “little threat?”

“The conversation is the relationship. Incremental degradation is a compromise in authenticity in our

conversations and it’s a slow and deadly slide” (FC)

Part 1Part 1

RhetoricRhetoricThe art of verbal persuasionThe art of verbal persuasion

Perspective (the way you see things)Perspective (the way you see things)Audience (empathy; Audience (empathy; seek 1seek 1stst to understand to understand))Voice (use the mirror; record your voice)Voice (use the mirror; record your voice)Purpose (no interruptions; be clear)Purpose (no interruptions; be clear)Conscious organization (Conscious organization (begin with the end in begin with the end in

mind)mind)

Handout of scripts to practice with a partner: situational roleplaysHandout of scripts to practice with a partner: situational roleplays

Example of organization for a callExample of organization for a call

Greeting and attentionGreeting and attention Identification of self and reason for callIdentification of self and reason for call Notes to maintain focus and avoid birdwalks or repetitionNotes to maintain focus and avoid birdwalks or repetition Paraphrase what you heard; refocus your attentionParaphrase what you heard; refocus your attention Speak consciously with attentionSpeak consciously with attention Ask; seek fact finding and complete understandingAsk; seek fact finding and complete understanding Listen more than speak; don’t interruptListen more than speak; don’t interrupt Ethical presenceEthical presence Reassurance Reassurance Summarize the action planSummarize the action plan

Remember…

• The more you clarify your position and defend it under attack, the more committed you become to it. Your ego becomes identified with your position. The more attention that is paid to positions, less attention is devoted to meeting the underlying concerns of the parties.

• Positional bargaining becomes a contest of willsAssignment: review handout on positions

More thoughts• Don’t be ruled by adrenaline• Daughter’s photo and mirror• Remember that feelings are the heart of every conversation.

• Distinguish between severe and reasonable resistance• Make that 41st caller feel like the first call of the day• Always check your own assumptions• Respond don’t react with ego• Flexibility equals strength• Common sense is uncommon under pressure. If someone gets

under your skin, they control you. Don’t see the “other” as the adversary.

• Use “And” more than “but”

Unexpressed feelings ARE the conversation

When people are having a hard time listening, often it is not because they don’t know how to listen well. It is paradoxically, because they don’t know how to express themselves well. (DC p. 89)

Emotions are not a single feeling We tend to translate our feelings into judgments, attributions, or

characterizations

Instead of trying to control the other’s reaction,

• Prepare for it with a mirror• Practice what you will say, and listen to yourself;

opening lines, tone, choice of words, too soft/cushioned?, confusing, too much talking…?

• Create a learning conversation with specific, mutually-agreed upon outcomes; Invite don’t imposeAssignment: use the DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS CHECKLIST

to prepare for your next DC

Civility is liberatingCivility is liberating

It frees us from slavery to self-absorption, It frees us from slavery to self-absorption, impulse and mood.impulse and mood.

I am not just talking with I am not just talking with aa person; I am person; I am talking with talking with thisthis person. “I honor your person. “I honor your worth.”worth.”

We can gain a victory over carelessness, We can gain a victory over carelessness, indifference, anger and inertia.indifference, anger and inertia.

Part 2

Some Principles of Fierce Conversations

1. Master the courage to interrogate reality seek win-win Seek first to understand are we avoiding the “too hard” basket? there is a huge cost (economical,

emotional, intellectual) with not identifying and tackling the real issues)

what is impossible to do that if it were possible, would change everything?

“Are my truths and frustrations in my way?”

Separate the people

• From the perceived problem• Focus on interests not positions• Create a variety of possibilities before

deciding what to do (options for mutual gain)

• The result should be based on an objective standard

• Evaluate your position and hard or soft stance (see handout on positioning)

Negotiate it and frame it

• Frame it “so what’s important to you is…”

• Differences are defined by the difference between your thinking and theirs. Ultimately conflict lies not in objective reality but in people’s heads. Be prepared to withhold judgment for a while as you “try on” their views p. 22 GTY

And vs. But

• Without laying blame, catch yourself: replace “and” with “but”

• Really know that the answers are “in the room”

• Be aware of “ground truth”—what’s happening on the ground vs. in official tactics and requirements (The official truth is that we’re higher scoring than all other online schools in Colorado. The “ground truth” is…)

Principles of Fierce Conversations, cont’d

2. Come out from behind yourself into the conversation and make it real

Know that “all conversations are with myself, and sometimes they involve other people.”

Know that the emotions roiling within you are how you are showing up to others.

“Mineral rights” evaluation sheet handout

Principles of FC, cont’d

3. Be here, prepared to be nowhere elseHumans have a universal longing

to be known, and being known, to be loved“I see you”

You must learn to rebuild the links that connect people and that provide an effective antidotes to cynicism and disaffection.

FOCUS without multitasking

Assignment: choose one of your challenging parents or students. Apply principle 3 in a conscious way. This will take more than one interaction. Write a journal entry about what you did and said and what’s happening.

A dialogue

“How’s your work going?”“great.”

“Everything working out?”“yeah.”

“Any questions?”“no.”

“That’s good—that’s what I like to hear. Have a good day!”“yeah.”

assignment: practice these guiding assignment: practice these guiding sentences sentences

““What is the most important thing you and I should be What is the most important thing you and I should be talking about?”talking about?”

““How is this issue impacting you? When you consider these How is this issue impacting you? When you consider these impacts how are you feeling?”impacts how are you feeling?”

““If nothing changes, what are the implications?” or If nothing changes, what are the implications?” or “Imagine it is a year later and nothing has changed What is “Imagine it is a year later and nothing has changed What is likely to happen?”likely to happen?”

““How have you helped to create this situation?”How have you helped to create this situation?” (“I don’t Know” triggers “what would be it be you did (“I don’t Know” triggers “what would be it be you did

know?” or “that’s useful to think about.”)know?” or “that’s useful to think about.”) What is the ideal outcome? What is the most potent step What is the ideal outcome? What is the most potent step

you can take to being to resolve this issue?you can take to being to resolve this issue? When should I follow up with you?When should I follow up with you?

Come into the conversation with empty hands; just bring yourself

• If you ask for the issue, don’t…

--Jump right in and offer suggestions or points

--Share stories about yourself (takes the focus onto you)

--Put so many pillows around a message that the message is lost all together and there is confusion (softening the message is just trying to protect ourselves)

--get into all sorts of birdwalks and extraneous details

--tell them right way, the rules they are violating; they know…

--don’t let your voice include anger or angst; you may induce profound indifference

Instead, Use the 60 second/7 question handout for review and practice

Mole whacking vs. grubs

• Behind each mole is another one…

Some principles of fierce conversations, cont’d

4. Take responsibility for your emotional wake Recognize that everything you say creates an

emotional wake

--This is where we are going; this is how we are going to get there; this is why we are going to get there

Recognize that there are multiple truths Recognize that when your emotions are negative, the

more you say increases the likelihood of a negative wake, so I need to say less and listen more

Don’t use absolutes “you never” “you always” Assignment: Practice the handout of Conversational

Phrases aloud

Fierce conversations con’td5. Let silence do the heavy lifting. Reflect on beliefs and paradigms; let others

participate fully; scan your head for ground truths.

Don’t be guilty of:--interrupting by talking over someone else--formulating your own response while someone is talking--responding quickly with little thought--attempting to be funny, clever, charming, competent, impressive…--jumping in with advice before an issue has been clarified--changing topics--talking in circles; nothing new emerging--allowing cell or email interruptions--cancelling an important meeting with a parent or student--monopolizing the air space and/or talking too fast with “umms” to monopolize the air space. TALKING IS NOT CONVERSATION.

Part 3

The three conversations: copy this slide

• The “What happened” conversation– Includes thoughts about truth, intentions and

blame

• The feelings conversation

• The identity conversation

This translates to

• Am I competent?

• Am I a good person?

• Am I worthy of love?

_________________________

Justify,

deny,

give up…

Roleplay

• Try speaking with someone you don’t really like or who is angry with you and the school

• Try calming someone who is angry about the LMS and attacking you personally

Use part 1 tools; use script phrases--debrief

Debrief what’s happening

• Respecting other’s opinions that differ strongly from yours

• Handling interruptions • Body language• Mind-set• Level of “hard and soft”

communications• The personal interferences • “giving in”

Redirection without passionRedirection without passion

The first principle of verbal judo is to not The first principle of verbal judo is to not resist your opponent. Instead move with resist your opponent. Instead move with him and redirect his energy. him and redirect his energy. p. 43 VJp. 43 VJ

Difficult people built this country. We need to allow room in our system for Difficult people built this country. We need to allow room in our system for them and their questions. When you shift from resisting to appreciating and them and their questions. When you shift from resisting to appreciating and even welcoming difficult people, things become interesting and less tense. even welcoming difficult people, things become interesting and less tense. P. 44P. 44

MUSHIN (the “still center”)MUSHIN (the “still center”)

Thinking beyond me

• Draw a circle with COVA in it• To the right draw a 5 pointed star to represent you• To the right of that draw a box with a C in it which stands

for your contact point. • Now draw a figure 8 which represents your job that

begins on the left, passes through you and continues to the right before passing through you again. Continue to trace the figure 8. You serve as a conduit between 2 entities in such a manner as to generate voluntary compliance.

• Soon, you’ll see you are virtually obliterated by your representational job. If you are a mouthpiece, you don’t represent your own ego. The more ego you show; the less power you have over people.

MediationMediation

• Saying so doesn’t make it soSaying so doesn’t make it so

• Tone and modulationTone and modulation

• The “ending phrase”..what does she hear? The “ending phrase”..what does she hear? “…“…you fool”you fool”

• Redirect with WIIFH vs confrontRedirect with WIIFH vs confrontRoleplay assignmentRoleplay assignment

Assignment: use the Confrontation Model handoutAssignment: use the Confrontation Model handout

Practice it

Handouts; include:

and/but

framing it

mirror

debrief

Ongoing practiceOngoing practice

• Use two new techniques this weekUse two new techniques this week• Journaling/self reflectionJournaling/self reflection• Teacher partnersTeacher partners