CODEPENDENCE

A compilation of Public Domain Publications about CODEPENCE.

AUTHORS :

Dr. Irene Matiatos Ph.D.Daniel Ploskin, MDRoyane RealMelody BeattiePatty E. Fleener M.S.W.Wikipedia Encyclopedy

Codependence?By Dr. Irene Matiatos Ph.D.Source: http://www.soulselfhelp.on.ca/codependencea.html

Some of the nicest people I know are codependent. They always smile, never refuse to do a favor. They are happy and bubbly all the time. They understand others and have the ability to make people feel good. People like them!

So, what is wrong with this? Nothing, really, unless the giving is one-sided and so excessive that it hurts the giver. Then, the giver is showing the signs of codependence.

Partners who go out of their way for each other are interdependent. Only relatively healthy people are capable of interdependent relationships, which involve give and take. It is not unhealthy to unilaterally give during a time when your partner is having difficulty. You know your partner will reciprocate should the tables turn. Interdependency also implies that you do not have to give until it hurts. By comparison, in a codependent relationship, one partner does almost all the giving, while the other does almost all the taking, almost all of the time.

By giving, codependent people avoid the discomfort of entitlement. Giving allows them to feel useful and justifies their existence. Rather than simply approving of themselves, codependent people meet their need for self-esteem, by winning their partner's approval. Also, because they lack self-esteem, codependent people have great difficulty accepting from others. One must feel deserving and entitled in order to accept what is offered.

Codependent behavior is not easy. It requires a lot of work. It hurts. These individuals typically suffer with low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and especially guilt, as well as other painful thoughts and feelings. They judge themselves using far stricter criteria than they use to measure the performance of others. While they are brutally critical of their own misbehavior, they are very good at justifying and excusing the misbehavior of others.

Codependent people misplace their anger. They get angry when they shouldn't, and don't get angry when they should. They have little contact with their inner world and thus very little idea about how they feel. Usually, they don't want to know because it gives rise to painful emotions. It is easier to stay on the surface and pretend things are peachy keen, rather than deal with the stuff going on inside.

If they were to look inside, they would find their emotional starvation. They are busy taking care of others. Yet, they do not meet their own needs!They may put up with abusive relationships or relationships that are not fulfilling because any warm body beats (gasp) no warm body. Being alone is perceived as scary, empty, depressing, etc. After all, who will deliver their emotional

supplies? Who will distract them so there is no time to deal with their inner life? Even an abusive relationship is better than no relationship.

These loving, giving people find interesting ways of explaining their behavior to themselves. Loyal to a fault, a codependent individual is likely to rationalize a loved one's disrespectful behavior by making excuses for them. "He doesn't mean it." "It was not done with malice." "It is the best he can do." "She had such an awful childhood." Etc., etc., etc.

The central concept is that the codependent individual "takes it" and understands," despite feeling hurt. Waiting for brownie points in heaven, or for a loved one to be magically healed through their persistent love and care taking, they accept disrespect from others. It does not occur to the codependent person that it is not OK to "take it" and "put up" no matter what!

Much of this abuse acceptance occurs without the codependent individual feeling abused! More accurately, these individuals do not feel OK enough to expect respectful treatment at all times, and to notice when it is not forthcoming. Having grown up in a home where a parent or sibling demanded inordinate attention (due to addiction, illness, anger, or other problem), the codependent person is trained to care for others. Having grown up in a difficult environment, a negative emotional climate is experienced as normal and familiar.

This is why there is often little recognition of disrespect. If their partner is angry or upset, the codependent individual will implicitly assume that they did something to cause the anger. It does not occur to them that it is their partner's responsibility to deal with their problem and to treat others respectfully. It does not occur to them that it is their responsibility to themselves to stop another

person's demeaning behavior toward them. But, how can stop disrespect when misbehavior is not perceived as disrespectful or abusive? Disrespect is normal.

An unfortunate side effect of the codependent person's willingness to ignore, excuse, or otherwise allow the partner's abuse or disrespect, enables the misbehavior directed at them to continue and intensify.

Implicit or explicit permission to continue misbehaving is granted since the codependent partner "understands."Because codependent individuals are approval-driven, they cannot stand it when others are angry at or disappointed with them.

As such, they unwittingly place themselves in a position to be taken advantage of. The more approval is needed, the less likely is the individual to realize the extent of their self-sacrifice in favor of tending to the needs of the other. This hurts ("Ouchhh!"), and creates or maintains depression and low self-esteem, in a vicious, downward spiral.

While abuse, disrespect, or unrequited sacrifice angers them, as it should, codependent people do not realize how angry they are and at whom they are angry! Targeting the appropriate person may jeopardize a source of approval and self-esteem. To avoid facing reality, they distort it. Codependent individuals are likely to somehow blame themselves and rationalize their "over-sensitivity." They justify the other person's behavior by thinking they must deserve the treatment they are getting. This is preferable to facing the possibility that an individual who provides a measure of their self-esteem is hurting them.

"Anger...is a signal that something is wrong and needs attention". Anger is healthy. It is a signal that something is wrong and needs attention. However, if the source of anger is not articulated, how can it be fixed? Codependent people are expert at denying anger and turning it against the self - into sadness and depression. Instead of asking themselves why are they are putting up with... (fill in the blank), they ask themselves how they could have behaved differently - to obtain a more favorable reaction from their partner!

Unarticulated anger is often misdirected and expressed inappropriately. Anger may be experienced as resentment, expressed as an aggressive blow-up, or in passive-aggressive acting out. The cognitive and verbal skills to appropriately assert oneself are lacking.

Since codependent people are experts at controlling other people's thoughts, feelings, and behavior, they feel hurt that others don't reciprocate and "know" what they need. "If they really loved me, they would know." Not so! Since codependents do not have the self-esteem to ask for what they secretly want, they are unlikely to get it. If they do make a request, it is often a roundabout hint. If their partner cannot decipher the request, they feel hurt and unloved. They believe they conveyed their desires, when, in fact, they have not!

Because most codependent individuals are control-oriented, they are very responsible. They are great employees. Tasks are done thoroughly and on time. Even parts of the job that are not theirs get picked up if coworkers are neglectful or slow. They try to control outcomes, whether those outcomes are completed job tasks or reactions from other people. Anything for approval.

However, some codependent individuals are very irresponsible, in select or diverse life areas. They don't know how to or don't feel the need to take care of some of their own basic needs, especially if there is another person to care for instead. Why spend the time trying to figure out what the self needs, when the self doesn't really matter anyway? It is far more preferable to be out avoiding one's own issues: out having fun, hunting for a partner, or self-medicating feelings.

Codependent people are addiction prone. They may drink too much, shop too much, eat too much, etc. Dulling the senses is a great way to avoid knowing yourself and dealing with your feelings.

Intimacy is avoided. Intimate behavior requires familiarity and comfort with one's internal world. Since the codependent person regards ordinary human needs as shameful, embarrassing, dangerous, or otherwise uncomfortable, meeting basic needs are often dismissed.

Any relationship that ignores the self is superficial. Unfortunately, superficial relationships are safe...but empty and unfulfilling.

Control is central to the "MO" of the codependent person. They control their self-esteem by catering to others' needs. They control by their over-responsible performance, picking up where others leave off. They control by avoiding intimacy or by clouding the mind. They control by advising others on what to do. These individuals work very hard to control everything and everybody. Yet, they neglect the one person they do have control over: themselves.

Why Be Codependent?

Why would anybody spend time and energy to control outcomes, while actively neglecting the inner self? How can they do this and not realize they are selling themselves short? The Why: they know no other way; The How: they received very good training early in life.

Any dysfunction in the family predisposes a child to codependent behavior.

Children are biologically programmed to seek love and approval. They have to be cared for or they will die. When a parent or family member is dysfunctional, the child tends to focus on this person--rather than on enjoying a carefree and joyful kid existence. The child has to worry: if the caretaker does not care take, the child dies. For example, in an alcoholic home, little Sally has to worry about whether she can bring friends home - because daddy may be in a bad mood and embarrass her. Such events are training her in codependent thinking, the art of anticipating the other person.

If mom is physically ill, Teddy has to worry about exerting her. Who would care for him if anything happened to her? If daddy is angry and controlling, Timmy needs to worry about pleasing him to avoid punishment and humiliation - and to get his conditional love and approval.

Children are naturally egocentric. That means that they see the world revolving around them. If mom and dad fight, children feel that it is somehow their fault. Julie may try to make her parents happy by getting straight As in school in an attempt to keep the parental marriage together. Another child may have an abusive, or simply overactive older sibling.

Since the parents cannot be there at all times to police the situation, the younger sibling may learn to anticipate the sib's moods and to behave in ways that might increase the probability of "safety." Or, perhaps daddy is depressed. Jennifer may tiptoe around him wondering if

he is unhappy because she is not good enough. And so on.

In sum, codependent thinking tends to develop any time a child is growing up in a home where life is not care free. Often, addiction can be traced in the family tree of these dysfunctional families, whether there is an active addict in residence, or not. Nevertheless, these kids have an adult they have to worry about!

The codependent-in-training is taught to walk on eggshells. To ensure survival, the child learns to be extraordinarily sensitive in reading the moods and thoughts of others. The child learns very early to pay attention to and tiptoe around the dysfunctional family members - at the child's expense. These interactions take place silently, implicitly. The child learns to ignore the self's inner needs, instead pretending that all is OK.

When I tell my clients that codependent adults were once children who had an adult to worry about, some sharply disagree. They tell me about the loving families they came from and insist that their family members were "wonderful," etc. As denial melts and self-awareness develops, they begin to recognize the failings in a caregiver that spawned their selflessness. Sometimes, both parents were codependent, modeling no other behaviors for the child to learn.

Help! Can I Fix it?Good news! You certainly can! You can get control over your life! You can stop trying to control the lives of others and take charge of yourself!

While children are truly not responsible for their actions, adults are. To experience a more satisfying life, it becomes incumbent upon the adult to take control of the unavoidable childhood or present-day scars they experienced. Parents don't set out to hurt their children; neither do abusive partners! We get hurt and we in turn hurt others because we are imperfect. We may never achieve perfection, but we can improve.

It is important to remember that we are in part a product of our environment. If we mis-behave, we have learned to do so. The good news is that what was learned can be unlearned or modified. The best news is that, in my experience, codependency issues are in most

cases not particularly difficult problems to deal with.

I find a blend of cognitive behavior therapy with an emphasis on cognitive and verbal skills training combined with a 12-Step approach very effective. Many self-

help resources are available from books to support groups, as well as professional guidance.

"Codependence" is cocktail party talk. Walk into your local book store's self-help or psychology section and look around. Melodie Beattie and Pia Mellody are two of my favorite authors in the field. Also, check out some of Albert Ellis' cognitive-behavioral work that helps in stamping out irrational codependent thinking. Self-help groups such as ALANON and CODA are 12-Step programs that have their own formula help change codependent behavior.

So, go to therapy. Read, get to a meeting. Get yourself evaluated for medication if you are depressed. Do whatever you need to do. As an adult, you have options. You can take control of your life! You are the only one who can take control of your life.

CODEPENCEby Daniel Ploskin, MD - August 21, 2007 – A.O.

What Is Codependence?While not recognized as a diagnosable illness in the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Psychiatric Disorders (a professional reference used to make diagnoses), codependence generally refers to the way past events from childhood “unknowingly affect some of our attitudes, behaviors and feelings in the present, often with destructive consequences,” according to the National Council on Codependence. Certain signs can help us identify a tendency toward codependence.

Self-worth comes from external sources

Codependent people need external sources, things or other people to give them feelings of self-worth. Often, following destructive parental relationships, an abusive past and/or self-destructive partners, codependents learn to react to others, worry about others and depend on others to help them feel useful or alive. They put other people’s needs, wants and experiences above their own.

In fact, codependence is a relationship with one’s self that is so painful a person no longer trusts his or her own experiences. It perpetuates a continual cycle of shame, blame and self-abuse. Codependent people might feel brutally abused by the mildest criticism or suicidal when a relationship ends. In his 1999 book, Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls, author Robert Burney says the battle cry of codependence is: “I’ll show you! I’ll get me!”

Examples of codependency

Health professionals first identified codependence in the wives of alcoholic men. Through family treatment, they discovered that spouses and family members were codependent, or also had addictive tendencies. Co-addiction occurs when more than one person, usually a couple, has a relationship that is responsible for maintaining addictive behavior in at least one of the persons.

For example, co-addicted people might believe that, at some level, getting a partner or family member to become sober or drug-free might seem like the one goal which, if achieved, would bring them happiness. But on another level, they might realize they are behaving in a way that enables the addict with whom they live to maintain their addictions.

For instance, they might never confront the addict about her behavior. Or they might become her caretaker, spending limitless time worrying about her. They might assume it’s their responsibility to clean up after and apologize for their loved one’s behavior. They might even help her continue to use alcohol or drugs by giving her money, food or even drugs and alcohol, for fear of what would happen to her if they did things differently. Many codependents come to believe they are so unlovable and unworthy that to stay in a dysfunctional, destructive relationship is the best and safest way to live.

Codependent people who believe they can’t survive without their partners do anything they can to stay in their relationships, however painful. The fear of losing their partners and being abandoned overpowers any other feelings they might have. The thought of trying to address any of their partner’s dysfunctional behaviors makes them feel unsafe. Excusing or denying a problem like addiction means they avoid rejection by their partners.

Instead, as in the example above, co-addicted people often will try to adapt themselves and their lives to their partners’ dysfunction. They might have abandoned hope that something better is possible, instead settling for the job of maintaining the status quo. The thought of change might cause them great pain and sadness.

Codependence works the same way, whether the addiction is drugs, alcohol or something else, such as sex, gambling, verbal or physical abuse, work or a hobby. If the addicts’ behavior causes worry, forcing the partners to adjust to

and deny the problem, they are at great risk of becoming codependent. Those who were abused as children face an even greater risk.

Checklist for family members of people with Mental Health Disordersby Patty E. Fleener M.S.W.

I wanted to touch on codependency. It seems like an old subject yet people are hurt by this "condition" so often and so many of us have these issues and are not aware.

Why do I bring this up in a mental health website? Most person with a mental health disorder has a family member. If you are the family member, check yourself out for these behaviors quickly and if you can't relate then move on. 

Just because those of us who have mental health disorders may not be a family member of someone with a mental health disorder, doesn't mean we don't have a problem with codependency and it is very difficult to work on recovery when our focus is always on someone else. In fact, downright impossible. 

So many family members are focusing completely on the person who has the mental health disorder that they are not in touch with their own needs at all. This is not only unhealthy for the family member but for the person with the disorder as well. 

You must learn to get your life back and as the author Melodie Beattie says "lovingly detaching." You are not on this earth to take care of your partner or your daughter or your cousin, etc. Let me repeat that. You are not on this earth to take care of your partner or your daughter or your cousin, etc. 

That may be a part of your life and a very important part of your life. But that is not the only reason you are on this earth and that is not the only thing that defines you. You must

find out who you are and become that person once again. You must be that person you were before you knew "that person" and have that person in your life as well.

What does it feel like if you have been around someone strongly codependent?

I felt violated. My boundaries were crossed. I felt extremely angry and upset. I felt manipulated and power was taken away from me that belonged to me.

I had always heard that 50% of chemically dependent people are codependent. My husband who attends AA says the joke there is that it is 100%. So I do not know what the exact figures are.

Let's review some basic codependency behaviors. 

What do Codependents try to do? Control others or situations. Do they really think they can control others? Yes. Can anyone ever control others? No Do they cross our boundaries? YesDo they mind their own business? NoDo they manipulate? YesDo they know what is best for you? YesWhat do they say when we get angry with them for crossing our boundaries?I was only trying to help.What are some reasons they do this?To avoid their own issues. To get their mind off of themselves.What does Al-Anon and CoDa tell them to do?Butt out! Mind their own business. Get the focus off of them and back on their selves.What do codependents do when they can't control you? Get angry.

Characteristics of Codependency

1. My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you 2. My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you 3. Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain 4. My mental attention is focused on you 5. My mental attention is focused on protecting you 6. My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way 7. My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems 8. My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain 9. My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests 10. Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me 11. Your behavior is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me 12. I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel. 13. I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want. I am not aware - I assume 14. The dreams I have for my future are linked to you 15. My fear of rejection determines what I say or do 16. My fear of your anger determines what I say or do 17. I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship 18. My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you 19. I put my values aside in order to connect with you 20. I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own 21. The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours 

Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More developed this check list:

*********************************************************Website Links for Codependents: http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/coda/ *********************************************************

Are You Codependent?By Royane Real - Published: 5/6/2006

Do you feel like you give and give in your relationships but you get very little back? Are you always trying to save somebody or rescue somebody that doesn’t have their life together? You may be co-dependent. Take this quiz and find out.

In a relationship between two emotionally healthy adults, the roles of giving and receiving help are balanced. Both people offer help and receive help from each other in approximately equal amounts.

However, there are some people who always take on the role of being the helper, no matter what relationship they are in. These people give, and give, and they always seem to get involved with people who have very serious emotional problems, such as addiction. And they exhaust themselves trying desperately to save the other person, even at tremendous cost to their own health.

These people have friendships that focus exclusively on trying to solve the problems of their friends. We sometimes call this quality "co-dependency", and we may label people who are obsessed with helping others "co-dependent".

A person who is co-dependent will tend to have relationships with people who have a lot of problems – emotional, social, familial and financial. The co-dependent person may spend much of their own time, money, and energy helping other people who have problems, while ignoring the problems in their own life.

Why would somebody be co-dependent?

A person who is co-dependent often suffers from a deep sense of worthlessness and anxiety, and tries to derive a sense of self-worth by helping or rescuing others. A person who is co-dependent may not know how to relax and feel comfortable in a friendship where both people are equals and the relationship is based on enjoying each other’s company.

Co-dependent people may even feel anxious if someone they have been helping gets their life in order and no longer wants their help. The co-dependent person may immediately look around for someone else they can "save".

If you frequently take on the role of helping the people who are your friends, how can you tell if you are acting out of genuine kindness and concern, or whether your behavior is in fact co-dependency?

When is it healthy to put the needs of other people first, and when is it unhealthy?

There aren’t really any hard and fast lines between the two.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself to see whether your "helping" behavior may actually be co-dependency:

- Do you have a hard time saying no to others, even when you are very busy, financially broke, or completely exhausted? - Are you always sacrificing your own needs for everyone else? - Do you feel more worthy as a human being because you have taken on a helping role? - If you stopped helping your friends, would you feel guilty or worthless? - Would you know how to be in a friendship that doesn’t revolve around you being the "helper"? - If your friends eventually didn’t need your help, would you still be friends with them? Or would you look around for someone else to help? - Do you feel resentful when others are not grateful enough to you for your efforts at rescuing them or fixing their lives? - Do you sometimes feel like more of a social worker than a friend in your relationships? - Do you feel uncomfortable receiving help from other people? Is the role of helping others a much more natural role for you to play in your relationships? - Does it seem as if many of your friends have particularly chaotic lives, with one crisis after another? - Did you grow up in a family that had a lot of emotional chaos or addiction problems? - Are many of your friends addicts, or do they have serious emotional and social problems? - As you were growing up, did you think it was up to you to keep the family functioning? - As an adult, is it important for you to be thought of as the "dependable one"? - Do you feel responsible for other people--their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being and destiny? - Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems or by trying to take care of their feelings? - Do you find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others than about injustices done to you? - Do you feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others? 

- Do you feel insecure and guilty when someone gives to you? - Do you feel empty, bored and worthless if you don't have someone else to take care of, a problem to solve, or a crisis to deal with? - Are you often unable to stop talking, thinking and worrying about other people and their problems? - Do you lose interest in your own life when you are in love? - Do you stay in relationships that don't work and tolerate abuse in order to keep people loving you? - Do you leave bad relationships only to form new ones that don't work, either? 

If you answered "yes" to a lot of these questions, you may indeed have a problem with co-dependency.

This does not mean that you are a flawed person. It means that you are spending a lot of energy on other people and very little on yourself.

If it seems that a lot of your friendships are based on co-dependent rescuing behaviors, rather than on mutual liking and respect between equals, you may wish to step back and rethink your role in relationships.

If you suspect that your helping behavior is a form of co-dependency, a good therapist or counselor can help you gain perspective on your actions and learn a more balanced way of relating to others.

What does a healthy friendship look like compared to a codependent friendship?

I'm just at the beginning stages of discovering what that's like. From what I know so far I can say that you should not have such high expectations of your friends. You should value the differences you see in them.

Also, you should not depend on them. You can depend on them to a certain extent, but with a healthy relationship it's not life or death if you are not with them.

Obviously love is a part of a friendship, but now I'm learning to love others by faith unconditionally. We all fail but you have to leave room for failure in a friendship because

we're all human so disappointment and mistakes are bound to happen. 

I've also discovered that relationships are not all about me.  It's about how loving and serving the other person. Also

a good friendship is really about how we can build each other up.

I have learned a lot about forgiveness too. I had to forgive people in my past for what they did to me. Now I have to forgive myself for what I did to Anna.

Holding onto my past hurts facilitated a lot of my actions. I know that a healthy friendship brings freedom. I'm so much more relaxed now. I have lots of friends but I don’t feel as if I really need any friends or one best friend. 

How can someone recognize this pattern in their own life?

I think there always has to be a more dominant person in a codependent relationship. You could be the dominant one. I was the dominant one. The dominant one takes the initiative. The dominant one has all the expectations of the other person and can feel like the other person doesn't measure up.

Often as the dominant one I felt sad or lonely. When I hung out with other people I would think of her. My heart would not be fully engaged with other friends. People considered us to be so close so the thought of even breaking away from each other was horrifying. I invested a lot in her. I shared my emotions with her. I never got close to anyone as I did with her.

That's another pattern of codependency - only letting that one person get close and not letting others get close to you.

Even if someone were to show me, I still didn't see at all how I was codependent on Anna. It is very much a process of discovering on my own the kind of lifestyle I was living. 

I am a stubborn person too. I didn't quite want to give her friendship up, as unhealthy as it was. I knew I had a problem, but I didn't want to break from this friendship because I was scared of the unknown. All I knew was what I was comfortable with and I didn't want to separate myself from that comfort. I wanted to change my life but it took months and months before I could take the necessary steps, which made me realize just how unhealthy my relationship had been. 

What are some key questions that would help someone realize if they are in a codependent relationship?

How much time am I spending with this friend? That determines a lot right there. Am I neglecting other friends? Do I think this relationship is healthy? What do others in my life who care about

me think about this relationship? Are there questions about the past that I need to answer for myself? Have I forgiven people in my past that have hurt me, and moved on?

What addictive behaviour were you struggling with?

A codependent friendship.

How did it start?

Six years ago I met a person I thought would be my best friend for life. I was going through a huge transition in my life coming home from college and having to start over in building friendships. Although I graduated, all my friends were still in college and my old friends from high school had all changed.  It was hard for me to identify and connect again with my old friends.

I connected with a few of my old friends from high school, and through one of them I met Anna.

At the beginning of our friendship Anna and I connected really well and we had a lot of fun.  We spent a lot of time together right from the beginning. She too had just come home from college and didn't know anyone.

We started hanging out 2-3 times a week, but I started calling her more and more.

By the second year of our friendship we hung out every night and were communicating thoroughly every day.

We became inseparable to the point that people thought we were sisters. 

Neither of us had been in an unhealthy friendship before and because we shared a deeper dimension of life in our friendship (faith and spirituality), we never thought our attachment to each other was unhealthy.

But, over time, I started becoming more manipulative over her and placed higher and higher expectations on her.  I figured that if she knew me best she should know how to treat me perfectly. 

She was the one that I thought had to give me what I needed and I would get upset if I didn't get it.  I demanded a lot from her and she complied most of the time with what I needed.

What kinds of needs did you want her to meet?

I was really looking for Anna to meet my emotional needs. I wouldn't go to God first at all. I thought about praying but the first person I thought of was Anna.

Ultimately, I thought Anna could help me and pray with me.  We were there for each other spiritually, but only in a selfish way.   

Why did you feel "addicted" to this relationship?

Because I felt I needed. It seemed to be a safe place to go for refuge. To me, she seemed like a safe haven.

I tried to find my satisfaction and fulfillment in Anna. But, she could hardly meet a tenth of what I expected or thought I needed from her.  

When did you start to see a problem with your relationship?

Anna's relatives and close friends would say that we hung out too much. But both of us were too entrenched in our friendship to think anything was really wrong. We were both needy and we both fulfilled needs in each other. But, at the same time, we weren't satisfied because there was a void there that we could feel and sense, especially spiritually.  We knew that only God could fill that void and fulfill our needs, but we went to each other instead of to God.

We began to realize that we were becoming too dependent on each other. At first there was no way I'd drop her friendship, because she still meant the world to me. But after spending more time with God and reading bookson friendship and codependence, we were both seeing just how unhealthy the relationship had become.

Describe what your relationship looked like in its most dependent stage...

Often Anna would get angry easily because I was manipulative and possessive.

I was outgoing and dominant, and she, being opposite, was a good follower.  Our difference in personality made it easy for our friendship to get out of balance.

Throughout this time I was blinded to my other friends. I didn't see how my other friends were really important to me. I also neglected to value my own family. I cared more about Anna coming over on a family day more than I cared about seeing my family.

I wanted to be with her all the time. I would shower her

with cards and gifts. She would do the same for me.

When I was hanging out with Anna I would try to control who she hung out with and control how deep her friendship with others would get. 

I would ask her what she was doing during the week and made sure she spent the most time with me.  I continually re-affirmed in my mind that I was number one in her life.

Throughout all of this, I didn't realize how manipulative I had become. 

Looking back I can see how much of what I did had an ulterior motive.  I wanted what was best for her, but I was the one who determined that.  I figured what was best for her was to build our friendship.

I tended to see myself as a needed person in her life. If I wasn't in her life I thought she would be weakened and not grow to her potential. It was selfish because I thought I was everything to her.

But often, our friendship was disappointing.  When we spent time together, I would expect it to look a certain way and would be angry, sad, or disappointed when it didn't go the way I expected. 

I would analyze our time together and question if our time together was quality or deep enough. This wore me out and made me anxious.  It felt like the end of the world when we couldn't hang out together.  Overall, my self esteem sucked. 

How would you feel if she wanted to leave you?

We constantly confirmed with each other that we would never be separated.  Any time I would panic she would always affirm that "I'll always be your friend, I'll always be there for you."

But, you can't make promises like that to a friend because you don't know where you'll be or how you'll change. We made these promises to each other to give each other a sense of stability.

What steps did you have to take to get back out of this codependent relationship?

Through mentorship, reading the Bible and reading books I learned that our friendship was unhealthy.

About 5 months ago she took an important step and asked to take time away from our friendship.

Since then, we haven't communicated or talked. God has done so much in both our lives in the last 5 months. It was the best thing we've ever done.

For me, it is a daily decision to look to God instead looking to others.  I've given Anna to God every single day since our separation. Each day I have to decide that God is the Lord of my life, not Anna. I made the mistake of considering Anna to be God to me.

It has been a grieving process as well.  God's been showing me more and more what a real friendship, what a God centered friendship, looks like. Now I love God more than I ever did before.

Did you notice a pattern of control in your past relationships?

Yes, it started immediately after high school. High school was a crucial time in my life and I never felt accepted.  I felt rejected basically for who I was and felt very alone.  I tried really hard, and was afraid I wouldn't have any friends.  I wanted to ensure that I had friends so I was always trying to be in control. 

In college I became dependent on friends. But, this dependency didn't reach its peak until I met Anna because at that point I really wanted a best friend. Anna was so compliant to go along with all my suggestions and I was not allowing God to direct my heart or mind.   

There were so many things I didn't believe about myself so my mind was really left unaffected by God. I didn't let him take over my thoughts and this affected my

feelings. I loved others but I loved wrongly. My love was misdirected.

After turning my life back over to God, my mind changed from one that was very selfish and focused on me, to having God as the center of my thoughts. 

Instead of caring mainly about what people think about me, now I think of what pleases God and how He would want me to love. As I love myself and others the way God wants me to love, I reflect His image and love. 

Helping a Person Who Is CodependentIf someone in your life is codependent -a spouse, parent, child or friend- your support may be an important part of recovery. Here are some ways you can help.

Spouse

Begin a dialogue about childhood and messages your spouses might have received from his parents that could have caused shame. You might want to share your own experiences of shame and how they affected you. If you are recovering from an addiction, it might be useful to discuss how most spouses are affected by their partner’s addiction and what might be helpful to him (Al-Anon Meetings, Codependence Anonymous Meetings). Attending therapy with a spouse or buying a book on codependence and reading it together are other ways to begin to help.

Friend

You might want to get a friend to open up to you by sharing your own insights with him. You can offer to go to a Codependents Anonymous Meeting with him or buy him a book to read about codependence. You also could offer him a place to stay (if he is living with an addict and could benefit from time apart) or a referral to a mental health professional. Sometimes making the first phone call for help can be the first step toward empowering the person to get well.

Child

Helping a child, unless it’s an adult child, might not be appropriate since codependency as dysfunctional behavior is hard to distinguish from normal dependency when a child is still young. If you are the parent of an adult son or daughter who is now in a codependent relationship, you could help by telling your child how much you love her and that getting well is possible. Remind your child of the strengths and positive qualities that sustained her through other difficult times. Offer a place to stay or to go to a 12-Step meeting with her.

Parent

Helping a parent often is like helping adult children. Parents may resist taking advice from their children. But if, together, you can go to a 12-step meeting, go to therapy or read a book on codependence, you may begin to stir up a desire for recovery.

Co-worker

Helping a coworker might include sharing information over lunch or inviting her over for coffee after work. If you are aware of a codependence problem with a coworker, chances are she already has entrusted you with some intimate information. However, work might not be the best place to discuss a topic as personal as codependence. Often, you can help just by offering to listen outside work or to be an escort to a 12-step meeting.

Treatment Options for CodependenceIf you think you have a problem with codependence, treatment is available and can help you feel better. Healing takes time and hard work, but talking with other codependents and seeing a therapist are two of the best ways to start your recovery.

Therapy

Treatment may consist of individual therapy, group therapy and, eventually, couples and family therapy. A clinical social worker, psychologist or psychiatrist with experience treating codependents and families of addicts can help you identify and discuss the feelings, thoughts and behaviors that you and others find troubling.

Twelve-step groups

Many advocates of the codependency theory view codependency as a type of addiction. Therefore, they maintain that codependents can overcome their symptoms with a 12-step process similar to that used by Alcoholics Anonymous.

Twelve-step recovery programs bring codependents together as a group to talk about their struggles and share hope and experiences. The 12-step recovery process involves spirituality and is nondenominational. Codependents Anonymous meetings can provide participants with a great source of emotional and practical support. Program recovery involves admitting your life has become unmanageable because of your codependence. It requires expressing your feelings, doing what you can to get better and letting go of things you can’t control. Familiar 12-step affirmations include “One Day at a Time,” “Easy Does It,” “Let Go and Let God (a higher power).”

If you are interested in going to a meeting, contact your local mental health center and ask where you can find a Codependents Anonymous meeting in your area.

Medication

If you are confronting codependence issues as well as mental illness such as a depression or anxiety disorder [Link to articles on Depression and Anxiety Disorder], you might want to see your primary care doctor or a psychiatrist. He can determine whether medication such as an antidepressant might help you. Often those who take medication and attend therapy and 12-step sessions find this combination to be the fastest and easiest way to get well.

Healing shame

The key to healing a “wounded self” is to change the distorted, negative perspectives and reactions to our human emotions that result from having grown up in a dysfunctional, emotionally repressive and spiritually hostile environment.

Most therapists agree that part of this healing process must involve grief. Grieving for the pain that caused the codependence and for the difficulties you suffered is a difficult but rewarding process. Learning to love yourself requires acknowledging your shame, disowning it, grieving the emotional damage you have sustained and healing the emotional wounds.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/what-is-codependence/

The Twelve TraditionsThe Twelve Steps are accompanied by The Twelve Traditions of group

governance as developed by Alcoholics Anonymous through its early formation. Most 12-step fellowships also adopted these principles as their structural governance. In AA, the empathetic desire to save other drunks resulted in a radical emphasis on service to other sufferers only. Thus “the only requirement for AA membership is the desire to stop drinking”. Similar membership guidelines were adopted by other fellowships, with particular

emphasis on freedom from alcohol because of the formative history of these traditions (note that alcohol is considered a drug in most substance-related twelve-step groups).

The Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous:

Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon A.A. unity.

For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority — a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.

The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking. Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other

groups or A.A. as a whole. Each group has but one primary purpose to carry its message to the

alcoholic who still suffers.

An A.A. group ought never endorse, finance, or lend the A.A. name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property, and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.

Every A.A. group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

Alcoholics Anonymous should remain forever non-professional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

A.A., as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

Alcoholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the A.A. name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films.

Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

Meeting Process

One of the most widely-recognized characteristics of twelve-step groups is the requirement that members focus on the admission that they "have a problem". In this spirit, many members open their address to the group along the lines of, "Hi, I'm Pam and I'm an alcoholic" — a catchphrase now widely identified with support groups.

Attendees at group meetings share their experiences, challenges, successes and failures, and provide peer support for each other. Many people who have joined these groups report they found success that previously eluded them, while others — including some ex-members — criticize their efficacy or universal applicability. This varied success rate, along with the fact that twelve-step programs have been associated with the belief in a higher power -- a belief often associated with religion -- has caused some controversy.

Twelve Step processTwelve Step programs symbolically represent human structure in three dimensions: physical, mental, and spiritual. The disorders and diseases the groups deal with are understood to manifest themselves in each dimension. For addicts the physical dimension is best described by the "allergy-like bodily reaction" resulting in the inability to stop using substances after the initial use. For groups not related to substance abuse the physical manifestation could be much more varied including, but not limited too: agoraphobia, apathy, distractibility,

forgetfulness, hyperactivity, hypomania, insomnia, irritability, lack of motivation, laziness, mania, panic attacks, poor impulse control, procrastination, self-injury, suicide attempts, and stress. The illness of the spiritual dimension, in all Twelve Step groups, is considered to be self-centeredness. This model is not intended to be a scientific explanation. It is only a model that members of Twelve Step organizations have found useful.[12][13]

In time, the process is intended to replace self-centeredness with a growing moral consciousness and a willingness for self-sacrifice and unselfish constructive action.[13] In Twelve Step groups, this is known as a spiritual awakening or religious experience.[14] This should not be confused with abreaction, which generally only results in temporary change.[15] In Twelve Step groups, "spiritual awakening" is believed to develop, most frequently, slowly over a period of time.[16]

SponsorshipIn twelve-step programs, a sponsor is a more experienced person in recovery who guides the less-experienced aspirant ("sponsee") through the process of the steps as a program of personal recovery. One of the first suggestions newcomers to 12-step meetings are offered is to secure a relationship with a sponsor [17][18]. A vast array of publications from various fellowhips emphasize that sponsorship is a "one on one" relationship of shared experiences focused on working the 12 steps[19][20][21].

Many forms of sponsorship exist. Sponsors and sponsees participate in activities that lead to spiritual growth as defined by the twelve-step process. These may include practices such as literature discussion and study, meditation, and writing. Part of the final of the twelve steps is often interpreted to imply becoming a

sponsor to newcomers in recovery. "Sponsorship, with its continuing interest in another alcoholic, often develops when the second person is willing to be helped, admits having a drinking problem, and decides to seek a way out of the trap. [18]."

"Sponsors share their experience, strength, and hope with their sponsees... A sponsor’s role is not that of a legal adviser, a banker, a parent, a marriage

counselor, or a social worker. Nor is a sponsor a therapist offering some sort of professional advice. A sponsor is simply another addict in recovery who is willing to share his or her journey through the Twelve Steps."

– from NA's Sponsorship: Revised[22]

Sponsees typically do their Fifth Step with their sponsor. The Fifth Step, as well as the Ninth Step, have been compared to confession and penitence. Many, such as Michel Foucault, noted such practices "produces intrinsic modifications in the person" and exonerates, redeems, purifies them; it unburdens them of their wrongs, liberates them and promises their salvation.[23]

The personal nature of the behavioral issues that lead to seeking help in 12-step fellowships results in a strong relationship between sponsee and sponsor. As the relationship is based on spiritual principles, it is unique and not generally characterized as "friendship." Fundamentally, the sponsor has the single purpose of helping the sponsee recover from the behavioral problem that brought the sufferer into 12-step work[18], which reflexively helps the sponsor recover.

Acceptance of a Higher PowerA primary tenet of 12-step recovery requires a member to surrender willful self-reliance (a characteristic of afflicted persons) and adopt a practice of reliance upon a "Higher Power" of the member's own understanding. Proponents of twelve-step programs allege that agnostics and even atheists can be helped by the program, as a member’s concept of a Higher Power may focus on the 12-step group itself. With time, any other entity, thing(s) or object(s) that aid a member in accepting their powerlessness over their problem, are claimed to become the Higher Power that will help them to recover. It is colloquially stated that any Power perceived as being greater than oneself will do, provided the power is not any other, single individual, or one's own unaided will.

Literature studied in most 12-step groups is limited to their own publications, as these groups claim no outside affiliation. The members of 12-step groups make the distinction that the groups are spiritual, and not religious. Some members of 12-step groups are also members of a wide variety of religious bodies. Nearly every meeting begins with

the Serenity Prayer, a prayer addressed to "God." Some critics also question the idea of giving up on self-reliance, which, they argue, results in a form of idealized despair. Others acknowledge a debt to the twelve-steps movement but do not have a culture of belief in God.

Court-mandated Twelve-step attendance

The success of twelve-step programs in aiding the recovery of chemically-dependent persons is an argument of significance in jurisdictions of some criminal justice systems. The criminal justice system of the United States has ordered attendance at 12-step meetings to convicted criminals as well as inmates as a condition of parole, condition of shortened sentence, or as an element of a sentence. Four courts have ruled that Alcoholics Anonymous groups are religious organizations.[24] The New York Court of Appeals ruled in Griffin v. Coughlin , 88 N.Y.2d 674 (1996) that doing so compromises the Establishment Clause of the United States Constitution on the grounds that A.A. practices and doctrine are (in the words of the district court judge who wrote the decision) "unequivocally religious". The Supreme Court of the United States denied US Legal Certiorari and allowed the New York court's decision to stand. Such a denial "imports no expression of opinion upon the merits of the case, as the bar has been told many times." Missouri v. Jenkins, 515 U.S. 70 (1995). Denial of certiorari means that no binding precedent is created, and that the lower court decision is authoritative only within its area of jurisdiction -- in this case the State of New York. However, the decision does create a persuasive precedent for other jurisdictions.

These are some versions of the Twelve Steps from different sources.

The 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol --- that our lives had become unmanageable.

2.   Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3.   Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4.   Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5.   Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6.   Were ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7.   Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8.   Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9.   Made direct amends to them wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10.  Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11.  Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for His will for us and the power to carry that our.

12.  Having had a Spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

The 12 Steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous

1.   We admitted we were powerless over others --- that our lives had become unmanageable.

2.   Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3.   Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.

4.   Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5.   Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6.   Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7.   Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.

8.   Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9.   Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10.  Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11.  Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.

12.  Having had a Spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other co-dependents, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

The 12 Steps to Recovery for Codependents

From: Choicemaking by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse

1.  We acknowledge and accept that we are powerless in controlling the lives of others, and that trying to control others makes our lives unmanageable.

2.   We have come to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore enough order and hope in our lives to move us to a growth framework.

3.   We make a decision to turn our lives over to this power to the best of our ability, and honestly accept that taking responsibility for ourselves is the only way growth is possible.

4.  We make an inventory of ourselves, looking for our mental, emotional, spiritual, physical, volitional, and social assets and liabilities.  We look at what we have, how we use it, and how we can acquire what we need.

5.  Using this inventory as a guide, we admit to ourselves, to God as we understood him, and to other caring persons, the exact nature of what is within that is causing ourselves pain.

6.  We give to God as we know him all former pain, hurt, and mistakes, resentments and bitterness, anger, and guilt.  We trust that we can let go of the hurt that we cause and receive.

7.   We can ask for help, support, and guidance and be willing to take responsibility for ourselves and to others.

8.   We begin a program of living responsibly for ourselves, for our own feelings, mistakes, and successes.  We become responsible for our part in relationship to others.

16 Steps for Discovery and Empowerment

From: Many Roads, One Journey; Moving Beyond the 12 Steps by

Charlotte Kasl Ph.D.

1.   We affirm we have the power to take charge of our lives and stop being dependent on substances or other people for our self-esteem and security.

2.   We come to believe that God /the Goddess /Universe /Great Spirit /Higher Power awakens the healing wisdom within us when we open ourselves to that power.

3.   We make a decision to become our authentic Selves and trust in the healing power of Truth.

4.   We examine our beliefs, addictions, and dependent behavior in the context of living in a hierarchical, patriarchal culture.

5.   We share with another person and the Universe all those things inside of us for which we feel shame and guilt.

6.   We affirm and enjoy our strengths, talents, and creativity, striving not to hide these qualities to protect other's egos.

7.   We become willing to let go of shame, guilt, and any behavior that keeps us from loving ourSelves and others.

8.   We make a list of people we have harmed and people who have harmed us, and take steps to clear out negative energy by making amends and sharing our grievances in a respectful way.

9.   We express love and gratitude to others, and increasingly appreciate, the wonder of life and the blessings we do have. 10.  We continue to trust our reality and

9.  We make a list of persons to whom we want to make amends and commence to do so, except where doing so would cause further pain for others.

10.  We continue to work our program, each day checking out our progress and asking for feedback from others in our attempt to recover and grow.  We do this through support groups.

11.  We seek through our own power and a Higher Power, awareness of our inner selves.  We do this through reading, listening, meditation, sharing, and other ways of centering and getting in touch with our inner selves.

12.  Having experienced the power of growing toward wholeness, we find our bodies, minds, and spirits awakened to a new sense of physical and emotional relief which leaves us open to a new awareness of Spirituality.  We seek to explore our meaning in life by honest sharing with others, remember that BECOMING WHO WE ARE is a lifetime task which must be done one day at a time.

daily affirm that we see what we see, we know what we know, and we feel what we feel.

11.  We promptly acknowledge our mistakes and make amends when appropriate, but we do not say we are sorry for things we have not done and we do not cover up, analyze, or take responsibility for the shortcomings of others.

12.   We seek out situations, jobs, and people that affirm our intelligence, perceptions, and self-worth and avoid situations or people who are hurtful, harmful, or demeaning to us.

13.  We take steps to heal our physical bodies, organize our lives, reduce stress, and have fun.

14.  We seek to find our inward calling, and develop the will and wisdom to follow it.

15.  We accept the ups and downs of life as natural events that can be used as lessons for growth.

16.  We grow in awareness that we are interrelated with all living things, and we contribute to restoring peace and balance on the planet.

12 Steps for Kids From: Kids' Power: Healing Games for Children of Alcoholics, by Jerry Moe

1.  I am powerless over alcohol, drugs, and other people's behavior and my life got real messed up because of it.

2.   I need help.  I can't do it alone anymore.

3.  I've made a decision to reach out for a Power greater than me to help out.

4.   I wrote down all of the things that bother me about myself and others, and the things that I like too.

5.  I shared these with someone I trust because I don't have to keep them a secret anymore.

6.   My Higher Power helps me with this, too.

7.   The more I trust myself and my Higher Power, the more I learn to trust others.

8.   I made a list of the people I hurt and the ways I hurt myself.  I can now forgive myself and others.

9.  I talked to these people even if I was scared to because I knew that it would help me feel better about myself.

10.  I keep on discovering more things about myself each day and if I hurt someone, I apologize.

11.  When I am patient and pray, I get closer to my Higher Power, and that helps me know myself better.

12.  By using these steps, I've become a new person.  I don't have to feel alone anymore, and I can help others.

The Twelve Steps of Non-Recovery

Evidently originally called the Twelve Steps to Insanity From the March 1990

Issue of the ACA Communicator, published by the Omaha - Council Bluffs

Area Intergroup.

1.  We admitted we were powerless over nothing, that we would manage our lives perfectly and those of anyone else who would allow us to. 2.   Came to believe there was no power greater than ourselves and the rest of the world was insane. 3.  Made a decision to have our loved ones and friends turn their will and their lives over to our care, even though they couldn't understand us. 4   Made a searching moral and immo-ral inventory of everyone we knew. 5.   Admitted to the whole world the exact nature of everyone else's wrongs.

6.   Were entirely ready to make others straighten up and do right. 7.  Demanded others to either shape up or ship out. 8  Made a list of all persons who had harmed us and became willing to go to any length to get even with them all. 9.   Got direct revenge on such people whenever possible, except when to do so would cost us our lives, or at the very least a jail sentence. 10.  Continued to take inventory of others, and when they were wrong promptly and repeatedly told them about it. 11.  Sought through complaining and nagging to improve our relations with others as we couldn't understand them, asking only that they knuckle under and do it our way. 12.  Having had a complete physical, emotional and spiritual breakdown as a result of these steps, we tried to blame it on others and to get sympathy and pity in all of our affairs.

12 Step Process

 THE BIBLE & THE TWELVE STEPS

The 12 Steps, properly understood, are actually twelve verses of scripture specifically chosen and simplified for the addicted one.  When properly applied, they have the ability to walk a man out of bondage, clean him up, teach him how to live, and equip him to effectively help others find freedom.  A physically sick person would go to a doctor and get a medicinal prescript-ion, and if taken as directed, would hopefully recover.  The addicted one on the other hand has damage in all three areas (body, soul, and spirit) and is in need of healing in all three areas.  The problems burried deep within the soul and spirit are spiritual and thus require a spiritual solution.  The only One that can expose and dispose (surgically remove them) is the Spiritual Surgeon, Jesus. 

The twelve steps, "a spiritual prescription of scripture" are twelve verses of scripture simplified for the alcoholic and the addict to understand, accept, and utilize.  This process, Biblically speaking, is known as deliverance.

This simple formula has the ability to deliver an abuser from a life of bondage and insanity, to a place of freedom, peace, and joy.  We find in Jesus, what most have been searching for in the bottle, a needle, and a pipe.

Steps 1 through 3 have the ability to take a person from a state of selfish self-centeredness, powerless, helpless, and hopeless, to a Christ-centered life, hopeful and all-powerful in Christ Jesus.  At step three, the all-powerful Helper comes to live within.  "Made a decision" has deeper meaning to it.  To decide actually means to kill off the other option or options.  In the process of deliverance, this term is called renounce.  When we decide to turn our will and life over to the care of God, we are actually renouncing the connections we have made with the other gods we were worshiping such as alcohol, drugs, sex, etc.  The Gate Keeper, our Lord Jesus Christ, the only One with the power to get them out, can and will get them out and will keep them out but only if He is asked.  He is the giver and respecter of free will, leaving it up to us to choose how we want to live.  When a spirit is removed (in the power of Jesus), the only way that spirit can return is through a conscious or unconscious invite back.  God has given man a free will and He will certainly respect and protect it. 

Steps 4 through 9 are house cleaning steps, a time to utilize the Helper (the Holy Spirit living within) in the cleansing process of inner self.  First, immoral behavior (sin) is dealt with, then the sinful nature (the defective character living within) that leads us to sin, and finally we face those that we have harmed with our sinful destructive behaviors.  Admitting our wrongs, repenting of that behavior, forgiving one's self, forgiving others, and receiving God's forgiveness as well as the forgiveness of others is the key to freedom.  What a freeing experience it is to clean up the wreckage of our sinful destructive behaviors.

Step 10 is the maintenance step, teaching us to evaluate our daily behavior, while encouraging us to clean up potential problems before they become problems.  Diligently revisiting this step keeps us from building a new inventory of lingering unresolved immoral issues.

Step 11 encourages continual spiritual growth, continuously improving our personal relationship with God.  It is His desire to have an ongoing personal relationship with each of us, and healthy relationships require good communication.  We communicate with Him through prayer and meditation.  In prayer, we speak to Him, and through meditation, He speaks to us.  Some of our biggest lessons come directly from Him through prayer and meditation.

Step 12 is all about trying to help those still suffering in bondage to their addiction.  We become living, breathing testimonies of God's transforming power.  Carrying the message of freedom, Biblically speaking, is known as the great commission.  Those that have experienced this new found freedom can't help but want to share it with others.      

Twelve-step programFrom Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

A Twelve-step program is a set of guiding principles for recovery from addictive, compulsive, or other behavioral problems, originally developed by the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous ("A.A.") to guide recovery from alcoholism.[1]

The twelve steps were first published in the text Alcoholics Anonymous ("The Big Book").[2] This method has been adapted as the foundation of other twelve-step programs such as Narcotics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, Marijuana Anonymous, Crystal Meth Anonymous, Co-Dependents Anonymous and Emotions Anonymous. Mandated court involvement with 12-step fellowships is a controversial practice of some governments; as stated in the Twelve Traditions, Twelve-step fellowships have no opinion as a group on issues other than personal recovery. As summarized by the American Psychological Association, working the Twelve Steps involves the following.[1]

admitting that one cannot control one's addiction or compulsion; recognizing a spiritual higher power that can give strength; examining past errors with the help of a sponsor (experienced

member); making amends for these errors; learning to live a new life with a new code of behaviour; helping others that suffer from the same addictions or compulsions.

Overview of Twelve-Step ProgramsThe way of life outlined in the 12-steps has been adapted widely. The effects of A.A. recovery within the family unit providing improved quality of life resulted in fellowships like Al-Anon; substance-dependent people who did not relate to the specifics of alcohol dependency started meeting together as Narcotics Anonymous [3] ; similar groups were formed for sufferers of cocaine addiction, crystal meth

addiction and many other behavioral problems. Behavioral issues such as compulsion and/or addiction with sex, food, and gambling were found to be solved for some people with the daily application of the 12-steps in such fellowships as Sexual Compulsives Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous and

Emotions Anonymous. Other groups addressing problems with certain types of behaviors include Clutterers Anonymous, Debtors Anonymous and Gamblers Anonymous. Over 50 fellowships composed of millions of recovery members, all based in the same principles, are found around the world.

"After a while I began to wonder why I was not [happy] ... I decided to strive for my own spiritual growth. I used the same principles [Bill] did to learn how to change my attitudes. ... We began to learn that ...the partner of the alcoholic also needed to live by a spiritual program."

– "Lois's Story" in the Al-Anon "Big Book", a typical story of a sufferer finding fulfillment through application of the 12 steps[4]

The Twelve StepsThese are the original Twelve Steps as defined by Alcoholics Anonymous:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the

exact nature of our wrongs. 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of

character. 7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to

make amends to them all. 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when

to do so would injure them or others. 10. Continued to take personal

inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His Will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Other twelve-step groups have adapted these steps of Alcoholics Anonymous as guiding principles for problems other than alcoholism; in some cases the steps

have been altered to emphasize particular principles important to those fellowships[6][7][8].

History

The first such program was Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.), which was begun in 1935 by Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob Smith, known to A.A. members as "Bill W." and "Dr. Bob", in Akron, Ohio. They established the tradition within the "anonymous" Twelve-step programs of using only first names. The Twelve Steps were originally written by Wilson and represented Wilson's incorporation of the teachings of Rev. Sam Shoemaker about the Oxford Group's life-changing program.

As Alcoholics Anonymous was growing in the 1930s and 1940s and definite guiding principles began to emerge as the 12 traditions, a singleness of purpose emerged as tradition five: "Each group has but one primary purpose to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers." [9] Consequently, drug addicts who do not suffer from the specifics of alcoholism involved in Alcoholics Anonymous hoping for recovery technically are not welcome in 'closed' meetings for alcoholics only[10]. The reason for such emphasis on alcoholism as the problem is to overcome denial and distraction[11]. Thus the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous have been used to form many numbers of other fellowships for those recovering from various pathologies, each of which in term emphasizes recovery from the specific malady which brought the sufferer into the fellowship.

Key Recovery ConceptsThere are five key recovery concepts that, through her research, Mary Ellen  found to be essential to effective recovery work. They are:

Hope - People who experience mental health difficulties get well, stay well and go on to meet their life dreams and goals.

Personal Responsibility - It's up to you, with the assistance of others, to take action and do what needs to be done to keep yourself well.

Education - Learning all you can about what you are experiencing so you can make good decisions about all aspects of you life.

Self Advocacy -Effectively reaching out to others so that you can get what it is that you need, want and deserve to support your wellness and recovery.

Support - While working toward your wellness is up to you, receiving support from others, and giving support to others will help you feel better and enhance the quality of your life.

Recovery StepsRelief of symptoms is only the first step in treating depression or bipolar disorder. Wellness, or recovery, is a return to a life that you care about. Recovery happens when your illness stops getting in the way of your life.

What is Recovery?

SAMSHA (the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration/Center for Mental Health Services) http://www.samhsa.gov/ defines recovery as:

Mental health recovery is a journey of healing and transformation enabling a person with a mental health problem to live a meaningful life in a community of his or her choice while striving to achieve his or her full potential.

Next Steps in Recovery

Depression and bipolar disorder are mood disorders, real physical illnesses that affect a person’s moods, thoughts, body, energy and emotions.  Both illnesses, especially bipolar disorder, tend to follow a cyclical course, meaning they have ups and downs. 

Treatment for these illnesses can also have ups and downs. As much as we may want it to, wellness often does not happen overnight.  It is normal to wish you could feel better faster or to worry that you will never feel better.  However, know that you can feel

better, and that ultimately you are in charge of your recovery.  There are many things you can do to help yourself. 

Relief of symptoms is only the first step in treating depression or bipolar disorder. Wellness, or recovery, is a return to a life that you care about. Recovery happens when your illness stops getting in the way of your life. You decide what recovery means to you.

You have the right to recover according to your needs and goals.  Talk to your health care provider (HCP) about what you need from treatment to reach your recovery. Your HCP

can provide the treatment(s) and/or medication(s) that work best for you. Along the way, you have a right to ask questions about the treatments you are getting and choose the treatments you want.

It can also be helpful to work with a therapist, family member, friend and peer supporters to help define your recovery.  Your definition of a meaning life may change at different times in life.  At times, depression and bipolar disorder might make it seem difficult to set a goal for yourself. 

Sometimes it might feel almost impossible to think about the things that you hope for or care about.   But goal setting is an important part of wellness, no matter where you are on your path to recovery.

Work on what you can when you can.

Setting Goals

Identifying life goals is the heart of the recovery process.  When we see a future for ourselves, we begin to become motivated to do all we can to reach that future.  Goals can be big or small, depending on where you are in your recovery journey.

Ask yourself:

What motivates me?

What interests me?

What would I do more if I could?

What do I want?

What do I care about, or what did I care about

before my illness?

Where do I want my life to go?

What brings me joy?

What are my dreams and hopes?

It can help to start small and work up to larger goals.  You might want to begin by setting one small goal for yourself at the beginning of each day.  As you move forward with your recovery, look at the different areas of your life and think about your short and long term goals.

Short term goals might include:

← Be out of bed by xx:00 am.← Finish one household chore.← Call a DBSA support group.

Long term goals might include:

← Get training or experience for a job.← Change a living situation, e.g., find an apartment← Build a relationship with a friend or family member.

Remember break your goals down into small steps at first.  Looking at a goal such as 'move to a new city' can be difficult to visualize and plan all at once.  Ask yourself what you need to do first.  What can you do now that will help you eventually reach this goal?  Not only will this help move you closer to your goal, but it will also help give you a positive feeling of accomplishment.

What are some things I can do that might help me feel better?

Know the difference between your symptoms and your true self. Your HCPs can help you separate your true identity from your symptoms by helping you see how your illness affects your behavior. Be open about behaviors you want to change and set goals for making those changes.

Educate your family and involve them in treatment when possible.  They can help you spot symptoms, track behaviors and gain perspective.  They can also give encouraging feedback and help you make a plan to cope with any future crises.

Work on healthy lifestyle choices.  Recovery is also about a healthy lifestyle, which includes regular sleep, healthy eating, and the avoidance of alcohol, drugs, and risky behavior.

Find the treatment that works for you.  Talk to your HCP about your medications' effects on you, especially the side effects that bother you. Remember to chart these effects so that you can discuss them fully with your HCP.   You might need to take a lower dosage, a higher dosage, or a different medication.  You might need to switch your medication time from morning to evening or take medication on a full stomach.  There are many options for you and your HCP to try.  Side effects can be reduced or eliminated.  It is very important to talk to your HCP first before you make any changes to your medication or schedule.

Talk with your HCP first if you feel like changing your dosage or stopping your medication.  Explain what you want to change and why you think it will help you.

Treatments for Depression and Bipolar Disorder 

Treatments that work can help you:

← Reach your goals.← Build on the strengths you have and the things

you can do.← Plan your health care based on your needs.← Live your life without the interference of

symptoms.

Treatments can include some or all of these elements:  therapy, medications, peer support, and overall lifestyle changes.

Medications for Depression and Bipolar Disorder

Your HCP might prescribe one or more medications to treat your symptoms. These may include: 

■ Mood stabilizers: These medications help balance your highs and lows. Some mood stabilizer medications are called anticonvulsants, because they are also used to treat epilepsy.

■ Antidepressants: These medications help lift the symptoms of depression. There are several different classes (types) of antidepressants. 

■ Antipsychotics: These medications are primarily used to treat symptoms of mania. Even if you are not hallucinating or having delusions, these medications can help slow racing thoughts to a manageable speed.

Talk Therapy

There are many types of talk therapy that can help you address issues in your life and learn new ways to cope with your illness. Goal setting is an important part of talk therapy.

Talk therapy can also help you to: 

← Understand your illness← Overcome fears or insecurities← Cope with stress← Make sense of past traumatic experiences← Separate your true personality from the mood

swings caused by your illness← Identify triggers that may worsen your symptoms← Improve relationships with family and friends← Establish a stable,

dependable routine← Develop a plan for coping with crises← Understand why things bother you and what you can do about them← End destructive habits such as drinking, using drugs, overspending or risky sex  ← Address symptoms like changes in eating or sleeping habits, anger, anxiety,

irritability or unpleasant feelings

Peer Support

Support from people who understand is another important part of recovery.  There are many ways to get this support.  DBSA offers a variety of ways to interact with your peers, such as support groups, discussion forums, and an interactive chat room.

← Find a support group ← DBSA's discussion board

← Interactive chat room

Lifestyle

A healthy lifestyle is always important. Even if symptoms of depression or bipolar disorder make things like physical activity, healthy eating or regular sleep difficult, you can improve your moods by improving your health.  Take advantage of the good days you have. On these days, do something healthy for yourself. It might be as simple as taking a short walk, eating a fresh vegetable or fruit, or writing in a journal.  A talk about lifestyle changes should be a part of your goal setting with your HCPs.  

You have the power to change.  You are the most important part of your wellness plan. Your treatment plan will be unique to you. It will follow some basic principles and paths, but you and your HCPs can adapt it to fit you. A healthy lifestyle and support from people who have been there can help you work with your HCP and find a way to real and lasting wellness.

Family and Friends' Guide to Recovery From Depression and Bipolar Disorder

When a friend or family member has an episode of depression or bipolar disorder (manic depression), you might be unsure about what you can do to help. You might wonder how you should treat the person. You may be hesitant to talk about the person’s illness, or feel guilty, angry, or confused. All of these things are normal.

There are ways you can help friends or family members throughout their recovery while empowering them to make their own choices.

The Five Stages of RecoveryIt can be helpful to view recovery as a process with five stages. People go through these stages at different speeds. Recovery from an illness like depression or bipolar disorder, like the illness itself, has ups and downs. Friends and family who are supportive and dependable can make a big difference in a person’s ability to cope within each of these stages.

1. Handling the Impact of the IllnessBeing overwhelmed and confused by the illness.

An episode of mania or depression, especially one that causes major problems with relationships, money, employment or other areas of life, can be devastating for everyone involved. A person who needs to be hospitalized may leave the hospital feeling confused, ashamed, overwhelmed, and unsure about what to do next.

What friends and family can do:

← Offer emotional support and understanding. ← Help with health care and other responsibilities. ← Offer to help them talk with or find health care providers. ← Keep brief notes of symptoms, treatment, progress, side effects and setbacks in a

journal or personal calendar. ← Be patient and accepting.

Your loved one’s illness is not your fault or theirs. It is a real illness that can be successfully treated. Resist the urge to try to fix everything all at once. Be supportive, but know that your loved one is ultimately responsible for his or her own treatment and lifestyle choices.

2. Feeling Like Life is LimitedBelieving life will never be the same.

At this stage, people take a hard look at the ways their illness has affected their lives. They may not believe their lives can ever change or improve. It is important that friends, families, and health care providers instill hope and rebuild a positive self-image.

What friends and family can do:

Believe in the person’s ability to get well.

Tell them they have the ability to get well with time and patience. Instill hope by focusing on their strengths.

Work to separate the symptoms of the illness from the person’s true personality. Help the person rebuild a positive self-image.

Recognize when your loved one is having symptoms and realize that communication may be more difficult during these times. Know that symptoms such as social withdrawal come from the

illness and are probably not a reaction to you. Do your best not to rush, pressure, hover or nag.

A mood disorder affects a person’s attitude and beliefs. Hopelessness, lack of interest, anger, anxiety, and impatience can all be symptoms of the illness. Treatment helps people recognize and work to correct these types of distorted thoughts and feelings. Your support and acceptance are essential during this stage.

 3. Realizing and Believing Change is PossibleQuestioning the disabling power of the illness and believing life can be different.

Hope is a powerful motivator in recovery.  Plans, goals, and belief in a better future can motivate people to work on day-to-day wellness. At this stage people begin to believe that life can be better and change is possible.

What friends and family can do:

Empower your loved on to participate in wellness by taking small steps toward a healthier lifestyle. This may include:

Sticking with the same sleep and wake times

Consistently getting good nutrition Doing some sort of physical activity

or exercise Avoiding alcohol and substances Finding a DBSA support group Keeping health care appointments

and staying with treatment Offer reassurance that the future can and will be different and better. Remind

them they have the power to change. Help them identify things they want to change and things they want to

accomplish.

Symptoms of depression and bipolar disorder may cause a hopeless, “what’s the point?” attitude. This is also a symptom of the illness. With treatment, people can and will improve. To help loved ones move forward in recovery, help them identify negative things they are dissatisfied with and want to change, or positive things they would like to do. Help them work toward achieving these things.

4. Commitment to Change 

Exploring possibilities and challenging the disabling power of the illness.

Depression and bipolar disorder are powerful illnesses, but they do not have to keep people from living fulfilling lives. At this stage, people experience a change in attitude. They become more aware of the possibilities in their lives and the choices that are open to them. They work to avoid feeling held back or defined by their illness. They actively work on the strategies they have identified to keep themselves well. It is helpful to focus on their strengths and the skills, resources and support they need.

What friends and family can do:

Help people identify:

Things they enjoy or feel passionate about Ways they can bring those things into their

lives Things they are dissatisfied with and want to

change Ways they can change those things Skills, strengths and ideas that can help them reach their goals. Resources that can help build additional skills Help them figure out what keeps them well. Encourage and support their efforts.

The key is to take small steps. Many small steps will add up to big positive changes. Find small ways for them to get involved in things they care about. These can be activities they enjoy, or things they want to change, in their own lives or in the world.

 5. Actions for ChangeMoving beyond the disabling power of the illness.

At this stage, people turn words into actions by taking steps toward their goals. For some people, this may mean seeking full-time, part-time or volunteer work, for others it may mean changing a living situation or working in mental health advocacy.

What friends and family can do:

← Help your friends or family members to use the strengths and skills they have.

← Keep their expectations reachable and realistic without holding them back.

← Help them find additional resources and supports to help them reach their goals step-by-step.

← Continue to support them as they set new goals and focus on life beyond their illness.

← Help them identify and overcome negative or defeatist thinking.← Encourage them to take it easy on themselves and enjoy the journey.

People with depression or bipolar disorder have the power to create the lives they want for themselves. When they look beyond their illness, the possibilities are limitless.

What you can say that helps:

← You are not alone in this. I’m here for you.

← I understand you have a real illness and that’s what causes these thoughts and feelings.

←You many not believe it now, but the way you’re feeling will change.

←I may not be able to understand exactly how you feel but I care about you and want to help.

←When you want to give up, tell yourself you will hold of for just one more day, hour, minute - whatever you can manage.

←You are important to me. Your life is important to me.

←Tell me what I can do now to help you.

← I am here for you. We will get through this together.

Avoid saying:

← It’s all in your head.← We all go through times like this.← You’ll be fine. Stop worrying.← Look on the bright side.← You have so much to live for why do you want to die?← I can’t do anything about your situation.← Just snap out of it.← Stop acting crazy.← What’s wrong with you?← Shouldn’t you be better by now?

What to find out:

Contact information (including emergency numbers) for your loved one’s doctor, therapist, and psychiatrist, your local hospital, and trusted friends and family members who can help in a crisis

Whether you have permission to discuss your love one’s treatment with his or her doctors, and if not, what you need to do to get that permission.

The treatments and medications your loved one is receiving, any special dosage instructions and any needed changes in diet or activity.

The most likely warning signs of a worsening manic or depressive episode (words and behaviors) and what you can do to help.

What kind of day-to-day help you can offer, such as doing housework or grocery shopping.

When talking with your love one’s health care providers, be patient, polite and assertive. Ask for clarification of things you do not understand. Write things down that you need to remember.

Helping and getting help

As a friend or family mem-ber you can provide the best support when you’re taking care of yourself. It helps to talk to people who know how it feels to be in your situation. Talk with understanding friends or relatives, look for therapy of your own, or find a support group.

DBSA support groups are run by families and friends affected by depression or bipolar disorder. They are

safe, confidential, free meetings where people can learn more about these illnesses and how to live with them.

One father of a daughter with bipolar disorder says, “DBSA support groups help take a lot of stress out of your life. As a family member, you have to be as prepared as possible, and accept that things will still happen that you aren’t totally prepared for. DO all the research you can. Build a long list of dependable resources and support people, so when a situation arises, you know where to turn and how to take the next step. This really helped my family when we needed it.”

WHAT TO DO WHEN SOMEONE IS IN CRISIS 

Sometimes depression and bipolar disorder have symptoms that can best be helped by inpatient psychiatric treatment. Try to find out what treatment is available to your loved one, and what steps you can take during a crisis before the crisis occurs, if possible.

People may need to go to the hospital if they:

Threaten or try to take their lives or hurt themselves or others

See or hear things (hallucinations) Believe things that aren’t true

(delusions) Need special treatments such as

electroconvulsive therapy Have problems with alcohol or

substances Have not eaten or slept for several

days Are unable to care for themselves or

their families, e.g., getting out of bed, bathing, dressing

Have tried treatment with therapy, medication and support and still have a lot of trouble with symptoms

Need to make a significant switch in treatment or medication under the close supervision of their doctor

Have any symptom of mania or depression that significantly interferes with life

Voluntary hospitalization takes place when a person willingly signs forms agreeing to be treated in the hospital. A person who signs in voluntarily may also ask to leave. This request should be made in writing. The hospital must release people who make requests within a period of time (two to seven days, depending on state laws), unless they are a danger to themselves or others.

Most psychiatric hospital stays are from five to ten days. There are also longer residential rehabilitation programs for alcohol or substance abuse, eating disorders or other issues that require long-term treatment.

Involuntary hospitalization is a last resort when someone’s symptoms have become so severe that they will not listen to others or accept help. You may need to involve your loved one’s doctor, the police or lawyers. It is better to talk with your loved one before a

crisis and determine the best treatment options together. Work with your loved one in advance to write down ways to cope and what to do if symptoms become severe. Having a plan can ease the stress on you and your loved one, and ensure that the appropriate care is given.

How can I convince my loved one to check in voluntarily?

← Explain that the person is not going to an institution, asylum or prison. Hospitalization is treatment, not punishment.

← Reassure your loved one that the hospital is a safe place where a person can begin to get well. No one outside the family needs to be told about the hospitalization.

← Tell your loved one that getting help does not mean someone has failed. A mood disorder is an illness that needs treatment, like diabetes or heart disease. Hospitalization is nothing to be ashamed of.

← Call the hospital and find out more about admission, treatment and policies. ← Help your loved one pack comfortable clothing and safe items that are reminders

of home. ← Offer the person a chance to make choices (such as what to take to the hospital,

or who to go with), if this is desired.

How should I talk to a person in crisis?

← Stay calm. Talk slowly and use reassuring tones. ← Realize you may have trouble communicating with your loved one. Ask simple

questions. Repeat them if necessary, using the same words each time. ← Don’t take your loved one’s actions or hurtful words personally. ← Say, “I’m here. I care. I want to help. How can I help you?” ← Don’t say, “Snap out of it,” “Get over it,” or “Stop acting crazy.” ← Don’t handle the crisis alone. Call family, friends, neighbors, people from your

place of worship or people from a local support group to help you. ← Don’t threaten to call 911 unless you intend to. When you call 911, police and/or

an ambulance are likely to come to your house. This may make your loved one more upset, so use 911 only when you or someone else is in immediate danger.  

Crisis Planning:

Some people find it helpful to write down mania prevention and suicide prevention plans, and give copies to trusted friends and relatives. These plans should include:

← A list of symptoms that might be signs the person is becoming manic or suicidal. ← Things you or others can do to help when you see these symptoms. ← A list of helpful phone numbers, including health care providers, family members,

friends and a suicide crisis line such as 1-800-273-TALK. ← A promise from your friend or family member that he or she will call you, other

trusted friends or relatives, one of his or her doctors, a crisis line or a hospital when manic or depressive symptoms become severe.

← Encouraging words such as “My life is valuable and worthwhile, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.” “Reality checks” such as, “I should not make major life decisions when my thoughts are racing and I’m feeling ‘on top of the world’. I need to stop and take time to discuss these things with others before going through with them.” How can an advance directive or a medical power of attorney help?

An advance directive and a medical power of attorney are written documents that give others authority to act on a person’s behalf when that person is ill. Your loved one can specify what decisions should be made and when. It is best to consult a qualified attorney

to help with an advance directive or a medical power of attorney. These documents work differently in different states.

Helping Others Throughout Their Lives

What can I do when my child is ill?

Patience and understanding are especially important when a child is ill. Children with bipolar disorder often have different symptoms than adults do, and are more likely to switch quickly from manic symptoms to depressive symptoms. Make sure you have a doctor who understands mood disorders in children, and is able to spend time discussing your child’s treatment. Communicate to your child that there is hope - you and the doctors are working on a solution that will help him or her feel better. Explain your child’s disorder to siblings on a level they can understand. Suggest

ways they can help. Seek family counseling if necessary. It is also helpful to network with other parents whose children have a mood disorder.

With the assistance of your child’s mental health care provider, help your child learn relaxation techniques and use them at home. Teach positive coping strategies to help him or her feel more prepared for stressful situations. Encourage your child to self-express through art, music, writing, play, or any other special gifts he or she has. Provide routine and structure in the home, and freedom within limits. Above all, remember that mood disorders are not caused by bad parenting, and do not blame yourself for your child’s illness.

Children with mood disorders do better in a low-stress, quiet home environment, and with a family communication style that is calm, low-volume, non-critical, and focused on problem-solving rather than punishment or blaming. Stress reduction at school through use of an Individual Educational Plan (IEP) is also very important. Request an evaluation from your child’s school counselor or psychologist to get the process started.

If your child with a mood disorder is an adult, it is important to treat him or her like an adult, even when he or she is not acting like one. As much as you may want to, you may not be able to force your adult child to keep doctor’s appointments or take medications. As with any other family member, keep encouraging treatment and offering your support, but establish boundaries for yourself too, such as not lending money if your adult child seems to be having manic or hypomanic symptoms.

What can I do when an older relative is ill?

Mood disorders are not a normal part of aging. You may face more challenges if an elderly relative is ill and lives far away from you or in an assisted living facility. Stay informed about the treatment your loved one is receiving. Develop a relationship with his or her doctors and the staff at the facility. Your relative may need special help remembering to take medications. Make sure all of his or her doctors communicate if he or she is being treated for multiple illnesses. This is extremely important, since some medications for mood disorders can interact with medications for other illnesses and cause problems.

It may be helpful for you to spend additional time with your elderly relative, or, if that is difficult, meet with other relatives to see if you can take turns visiting or caring for your loved one.

Self Help Affirmations That Work

Memory Storage:It used to be thought that information is planted in long term memory through repetition. Today, we know that information transfers to long term memory through association between new data and the already stored information.

Affirmations that Don’t Work:Ever promised yourself, “I’m going to do better, I’m going to do better, I’m not going to eat so much junk food, I’m going to eat healthier” to find you ate even more? Most try such affirmations hoping the repetition, earnestness, positive words and thoughts will transform a habitual negative behavior. Wrong! Truth is, for the most part, just the opposite transpires. You often end up doing more of what you don’t want and less of what you do want. Affirmations done in this way just may be a part of the problem, not a part of the solution.

On a conscious brain and body awareness level, you made a promise that the unconscious brain and body did not hear, understand or agree to. Often times, the more the incongruent affirmation is repeated, the further into despair and failure you can sink. Sometimes the only result is increased guilt, hopelessness, powerlessness and self doubt that further sabotage your positive intention to change. Detrimental early experiences, generational coding, and environmental learning drive the unconscious reactions and are not readily resolved with traditional affirmations, medicine, or treatments.

Learning new habits requires unlearning existing ones. For several reasons, it is easier to learn something new than to unlearn something old. First, many factors influence how information is stored in the memory. The hippocampus part of the brain records a lifetime of experiences and thoughts. One thought connects to another. Information is retrieved by searching through the network of interconnections to the place where it is stored. The more frequently a path of retrieval is followed, the

stronger the path becomes. It took years to create the negative part in the first place, so how many repetitions would it take to create a new one in it’s place? You could just try harder, but the latest scientific research found it takes at least a 1000 repetitions before a habit begins to change on the unconscious level. Most people are not motivated to commit to such a long term process of repetions, no matter how much they desire the outcome.

Second, the unconscious does not hear or process negative words. Traditionally, affirmations state what you don’t want, plus what you do want. For example, you may say, “I’m not going to eat ice cream every day, because I don’t want to get fat so I’ll

choose more fruits and vegetables.” Your unconscious hears, “I’m going to eat ice cream, I’m going to get fat, I’m going to choose more fruits and vegetables.” These messages are usually enhanced mentally with pictures of ice cream and being fat instead of eating healthy vegetables and a healthy body.

Affirmations That Work!Most spend far more time thinking what they don’t want than what they desire. Each time you think about a problem in a particular habitual way, the mental circuits or pathways get activated and strengthen with each recall. Through time, mental ruts form that makes it difficult to reorganize infor-mation, or see it from a different perspective, much less choose a different behavior.

Reversal Conflict Tapping Technique uses a combination of energy modalities including Touch for health, Eye Movement Desensitization, and the Acupuncture Meridian System. The goal is to 1) confuse and weaken negative habits and neural pathways, and 2) replace and strengthen new, positive patterns of connections between the nerve cells, so increasing the odds are that you will call up the new memory. Real change without the struggle can be realized when the unconscious and conscious brain and body are congruent. Given the right tools, all parts are willing, ready and able to change.

Reversal Conflict Tapping Technique:Goal: Confuse and delete old habits and install a new ones.

1. Pinpoint your underlying negative emotion or state: fear, stressed, anxious, depressed, failure, angry, overwhelmed, guilty, sad, jealous, stuck, frustrated, hopeless, powerless

2. The key to choice and change is to make peace with your conflicting parts that sabotage your intentions and affirmations. This requires self acceptance and love for yourself just the way you are presently, even before things

change, even if things never change.

Say: “In spite of this inner conflict, _______ (ie, fear, anxiety,depression, apathy, anger, failure, conflict, etc.) “ I deeply and profoundly love, accept, and respect myself.”

3. Stimulate both brain hemispheres. Since your brain has 100 billion neurons, each being a “learning center” capable of storing new information, activate this potential by tapping.

Do: Tap lightly in a semi-circle on the area one inch above and around the ear.

4. Circular eye movements integrate both brain hemispheres to assist in deleting the mental ruts and replacing them with new information.

Do: With your head still and facing straight, move your eyes in a large circle, then begin looking down on the floor, move them to the right as if you are outlining a large circle with your eye. Follow the imaginary circle up and down the opposite side, and back to the floor where you started.  Repeat the circles for 5-6 times in one direction, then change directions for 5-6 eye circles.

* Combine A, B, C to delete the old and enhance the new.

5. Exercise your mind to strengthen your desired outcome. Expedite change through the visual field of your brain. Take advantage of your brain’s inability to know the difference between the past, the present, and the future. Play the new, more positive movie as if it already is … in the present.

Do: Put a picture of the affirmation you desire on the movie screen of your mind. See it clearly, with color, up close, and life size, the way you dream it to be. Play that movie often.

How long will it take before the person feels better?

Some people are able to stabilize quickly after starting treatment; others take longer and need to try several treatments, medications or medication combinations before they feel better. Talk therapy can be helpful for managing symptoms during this time.

If your friend or family member is facing treatment challenges, the person needs your support and patience more than ever. Education can help you both find out all the options that are available and decide whether a second opinion is needed. Help your loved one to take medication as prescribed, and don’t assume the person isn’t following the treatment plan just because he or she isn’t feeling 100% better.

There is hope:

As a friend or family member of someone who is coping with bipolar disorder or depression, your support is an important part of working toward wellness. Don’t give up hope. Treatment for mood disorders does work, and the majority of people with mood disorders can return to stable and productive lives. Keep working with your loved one and his or her health care providers to find treatments that work, and keep reminding your loved one that you are there for support.