chronic fatigue - an ethnography exploring the social philosophy of disease and healing
DESCRIPTION
This is an account of a sufferer's experience with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and journey to healing and self realisation.It is written from the context of anthropology and explores the theoretical background in terms of broader society and our understanding of illness, disease and healing.The constant flux between the "inside" and the "outside" view is paralleled within the subject's experiences and the writing of the ethnography.Please leave your comments.TRANSCRIPT
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Table of Contents
THE ETHNOGRAPHY 2
1. Introduction 2
2. Claire‘s Life History 4
3. Chronology of the Illness 14
4. Medical Pluralism 17
5. Life Politics 20
6. The Child and the Adult 23
7. The Victim 24
8. The Shaman 26
9. Living the Dreaming Body 27
10. Moving On 30
11. Discussion 30
THEORETICAL ORIENTATION 34
12. Theoretical Introduction 34
13. The Ontological Hierarchies of Illness 36
14. Anthropological Representations of Illness 39
15. The Soteriological (salvation) Function of Medicines 43
16. Lifeworlds as Worlds of Experience 43
17. Symbolization; the Struggle for a Name 46
18. The Making and Unmaking of Worlds 48
19. Aesthetics, Rationality, and Medical Anthropology 51
20. Soul Loss 54
21. Illness conceived as the wild body 61
22. Introduction to Burkitt‘s (1999) Relational Theory of Embodiment 64
23. Cartesianism as a 'Lifeworld.' 65
24. Emergence of the Cartesian Self 70
25. Modernity 89
26. Neo-Shamanism 92
REFERENCES: 94
APPENDICES: 95
Appendix 1: An extract from Claire‘s personal diary in 2003 95
Appendix 2: An extract from Claire‘s personal diary 2004 105
Appendix 3: An extract from Claire‘s personal diary 2005 109
Appendix 5: Interview July 2005 - Honours Year 115
Appendix 6: Interview July 2005 - Parents 117
Appendix 7: Interview September 2005 - Claire‘s Literature Review 124
Appendix 8: Interview July 2005 - Food and Categories 128
Appendix 9: Interview July 2005 - Visualising the Body 129
Appendix 10: Interview July 2005 - The Victim 133
Appendix 11: Interview July 2005 - The Shaman 142
Appendix 12: Interview July 2005 - Sociability 151
Appendix 13: Interview July 2005 - The Sacred and the Profane 153
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The Ethnography
1. Introduction
The subject of this ethnography is 'Claire', a 26 year graduate who has for the last two and
half years pitted her being (self and body) against the autoimmune disease referred to most
widely today as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME). During the
course of Claire's illness she has dwelt in the ‗wild horizons of the body‘ (Connolly and Craig
2002: 451), in which her lived experience has manifested as a desperate struggle for control
over her 'wild body' and the resultant threat of the dissolution of self it has brought with it.
The so-called 'wild body', at this stage, can be glossed the uncontrollable body, which,
because it is uncontrollable, is therefore part of 'nature' in so far as it is uncontrollable. This
'nature' is juxtaposed, in modern society, to the productive body or 'social' body, which is
characterized primarily as a stable, healthy, productive entity in the world. I have therefore
set out in the ethnography to uncover the emic perspective (i.e. the insider‘s view) of the
lived experience of ―dys-integrated sensory perception, where waking up every day might
present a different array of bodily variables, decisions, and survival choices which play
themselves out in paradoxical complexities in the politics of lived body, space, time, and
relation‖ (Ibid [emphasis added]).
Being ill means not being able to conform to what society expects, in the sense of being a
productive body. Emic studies (i.e. the insider‘s view) of illness expose the common sense
lifeworlds which belong to so called productive bodies as sufferers struggle to conform to
these normative standards. Hence when we juxtapose the 'wild body' with the 'productive
body', we expose how these 'bodies' are connected normatively (i.e. by prescribed standards),
in the context that there are social norms for being in the world that are taken for granted.
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My literature review will bring to bear an etic (i.e. outside viewpoint) vantage where I will
address some of these so-called norms to uncover how they articulate with the emic (i.e. the
insider‘s view) view presented in the ethnography.
As a guide to the reader I would like to at this point say what I am aiming as an overarching
theme in the theoretical side of this ethnography. Claire's illness, from an emic or insider‘s
perspective, cannot be separated from her lifeworld and I will use Gidden's (1991) notion of
'life politics,' as discussed in Burkitt (1999), to argue therefore, that Claire's journey and
search for meaning has culminated in an ethical quest for the so called 'maturity' of the (post)
modern subject.
This 'life politics,' is ―a form of politics which is common only in late modernity‖ and is
focused on the ―body, self-identity and the environment, and involves the collective re-
appropriation of institutionally repressed areas of life – such as birth, sex and death – which
became moral-existential questions to be addressed politically‖ (Ibid).
In this particular case, I suggest that 'maturity' be interpreted as the subject as leaving behind
'childhood' and the notions of being a 'victim' where the self is overly regulated by the
normative standards of hegemonic powers, and through a process involving Neo-Shamanic
practices an embracing of an 'adult ethical' persona which is responsive and connected to the
social and natural environment helps Claire overcome many of the experiential aspects of her
illness.
Therefore in this study I have that the current relations between people, in modernity, tend to
be based more on normative forms of control rather than ethical considerations – although I
do not pursue the reasons why this is so - such as the advancement of technology, capitalism,
globalization and utilitarian relations, to name a few.
That is, through the application of norms to the behaviour of others and to ourselves, we seek
to control and police activity rather than to realize it in an ethical form – for this to happen we
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need to feel free to act freely. In this sense ―the modern subject is still in a sense of
immaturity, tending to look to external authorities for the validation of behaviour and
applying norms created by hegemonic powers‖ (Ibid:150- 1). To this end Burkitt (1999)
suggests that
―in the West, our moral codes have become focused more on a
concern for control than for care, for regulating one another rather
than for caring for each other...the effects of normative control on the
body are ones of armouring, where vulnerability and openness become
dangers that need to be closed off behind layers of defensiveness‖
(Ibid).
The theoretical discussion traces the origins of these overly normative relations to modernity.
The quest for healing, as described in the ethnography, is integrally linked to this so called
'life' politics and the Neo-Shamanic quest is part of a journey towards connecting with the
body, self, community and the environment.
2. Claire’s Life History
Claire has had a history of illness starting in her childhood where she would often miss
school because she was ill. In March 2003, during the first term of her Honours year in
English she contracted glandular fever (a form of M.E.), as diagnosed a medical doctor.
From that time till now (a period of about two and a half years) she has suffered from chronic
fatigue and many other debilitating symptoms which have constrained her to a quite life
where loneliness has become another symptom of this chronic condition.
In this ethnography I have included accounts from Claire's personal diary (in Appendix 1, 2,
and 3) which vividly show how the intrusion of the 'wildness' (so-called nature), in the form
of the ill body, into the social sphere. This vividly shows the desperate struggle for healing
and meaning that can literally take over one's lifeworld.
Claire's parents moved to the coast in the early 1980s. They were young, poor and liberal in a
country gripped in the throes of an oppressive regime. Claire stayed with her grandmother
when she was about two for an extended period while her mother worked in the city. This
was before Claire's mother unlocked memories of being abused by her father, Claire's
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grandfather. Claire's parents were soon divorced and have since split up and made up on
countless occasions. Claire's father did his military service, a degree at University and moved
into broadcasting. Within the family he is sometimes described as a malingerer because
although he is not ill he has not been gainfully employed for over ten years. He is of an
intellectual orientation and tends to be dominated by his wife. He often seems stressed and
on occasion suffers road rage from time to time, which could indicate pent up emotions.
Claire's mother took control of the family finances and fought her way up from a secretary,
to estate agent and finally into the movie industry as a line producer, but this is not a secure
work environment so Claire has always been plagued by her parent‘s lack of financial
stability.
Claire has moved between five schools. She chose to leave each time because she was having
'issues' at the school. These issues where mostly with her peers, because she tended to do
well scholastically and her teachers tended to appreciated her.
She describes her parents as ―completely rebelling against anything conservative, no matter
how good or bad it was... they threw out the baby with the bath water...completely‖ and
carries on to assert that she grew up with ―very little structure and stability‖.
It was during her many moves between schools that she said she learned her
particular interaction skills, which she identifies as dysfunctional. This is particularly
pertinent to when she moved from a ―working class‖ school to a ―wealthy middle
class‖ school in an up market suburb. Of that time she said that she learnt the 'rules' of how
to relate to groups:
―You fuck'n check [Please note that I have included expletive here
because Claire is normally very ‘proper‘ but these interviews were
conducted after a Tantric course. She tended to swear a lot more than
normal after these courses. I will address this issue later] out who is
the power player in the group. You make sure you keep them in your
eye at all times and check how the people rank. Where do you rank,
what are the energy exchanges. When I am sitting with a group of
people I want to know exactly what's what at the table and it's only
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when I know where I stand with every single person that I can relax
and come out of myself‖ (interview).
Over and above this reaction to exclusion and symbolic violence at the hands of other school
children, Claire also had to watch her social relations in the home extremely carefully and
had to constantly check the 'emotional temperature' of the home. She said that she was
always ‗the sick one‘ in the home and related this to:
―a need to opt out of being so stressed most of the time. The incredible
tension of having to be so alert and so tuned into what is going on
around me. Being sick is an incredible relief. It‘s like I can just ... [or
rather] people can just leave me alone. I won't get a lot of flack when I
am sick, I'll just be able to turn inward and shut the world out for a
while. That was mostly the feeling then‖ (interview).
Claire describes her mother, who was entering the process of coming to terms with and
remembering her own shocking childhood abuse, as a person who at times broke the so-
called 'sacred rules of motherhood' by making terrible threats to Claire when she was young
and vulnerable.
There seemed to be a very close link between Claire's desperate need for love and protection
from her mother and the sicknesses at that time. Claire said of illness, that
―getting sick [then and now] is the same as shutting down – that
might happen during sex or when I get into a rage. It‘s like, nuh; it‘s a
power thing [saying] ' you can't budge me‘. Kind of like a catatonic
person...It‘s like 'I'm taking my power here...the only thing you
cannot do is actually make me better'‖ (Interview).
She went on to say that maybe it was a way of making her mother feel weak, a kind of
punishment. Of this she said
―my mother keeps telling me that as a child ―Oh I'm [i.e. Claire] so
much stronger‖ and that ―I am actually fucking with her.‖ Ya ... So,
there is this total disbelief about myself. I can't....All the power that I
might have in my own life gets used against me. So in a sense I need
to be in a space where I no longer have power, and that‘s being sick.
[Its] like my body takes over my choices for me. Because when I
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make the choices my mother uses them against me. [Being sick] is a
choice she can't use against me. But then obviously the sickness is
against me. Sorry this is new, now is the first time I've thought about
it. This is interesting...‖ (Interview).
When I asked her to comment if being sick was a way of communicating she continued...
―Ya, a way of communicating that I was being hurt. Ya, I mean that‘s
really where I started from. In terms of ―Oh, I‘m being hurt.‖ And so
I get sick to express it because I can‘t express it in another way. But I
think ya, this aspect of control… - because I have been trying to work
out what I understand about being sick, being a victim of being in
control. I haven‘t been able to work it back to my childhood – but
now I think I see it‖ (Interview).
And she continues...
―I was just recognizing if I had to get sick just to stop the process that
was going on with my mother, it just brings back the incredible
frustration and tension that I must have been living with…That was
the only way I could say stop…or gain some sort of foothold. Jees, it
must have been hectic mmm …huh‖ (Interview)
Claire played no sport at school and said that she only expanded her network of friends at
school when she started drama. She loved her drama and said:
―Ya...It was a lot of fun – it allowed me to experience dialogue, the
dialogue I would create on my own would not have been so fluid.
Whereas on stage its set up, you experience, by acting, by staging
what I should be experiencing in life anyway. Now that I think about
that, it might also be the case. I can play with you, you can pretend
to love me, and see how it would be like to be in a real exchange
which on my own I still [even now] struggle to do‖ (interview).‖
Claire became a vegetarian at about thirteen and says now that it was partly an act of
rejecting her family. She left her school and finished her High School in a college. She took
a year off after school during which time she entertained herself at home.
She did her undergraduate degree at University in English and Psychology, taking another
year off just after her second year during which she worked at a local video shop - a job she
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hated. The following year she struggled to choose between Psychology and English as an
honours course. She chose English and became ill during the first term of 2003.
During this time Claire had a desperate need for community but she thought of herself as
somehow wounded and not the same as everyone else. Claire is fairly serious about life
politics issues and by looking at the personal journal for 2003, an excerpt of which is in
Appendix 1, an in-depth look at her private life is available. Appendixes 2 and 3 are glimpses
spaced out in yearly intervals which for the diligent reader will bring home the meanings
attributed to the disease in Claire's lived experience.
Aside from the physical manifestations which all seem to point towards a disconnection with
the body, there is also a dream about living outside of her house (I always interpret houses in
dreams as representing the self) which also is a representation of this condition too (i.e.
living outside of her ‗body‘).
As a preface to reading this extract I would like to offer some introductory remarks. Claire
and her brother inherited money from their maternal grandfather, the same person who had
abused Claire's mother, and Claire was standing up to her mother who was the trustee of the
money. The money had been invested in a loft and so selling the loft was the only way for
her to inherit her trust fund and gain some freedom, in financial terms at least, from her
mother.
Claire's Personal Diary 20th
April 2004
―Dizzy, weak, numb hands. Managed to [just] avoid getting a
migraine this morning.
Promised myself I would work on connecting with my emotions
today. They are so far back and locked up.
Thursday night's [therapy] session with [my therapist (i.e.
psychologist)] was hectic. I fell right through the block[age]. [I] had
this picture of myself having a beautiful little house full of mud and I
am living on the roof. I need to excavate, wash clean all the rooms,
open doors and live down there in my house.
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I'm very far from that right now.
I'm hurting I think. [Its] because of my mother...because she
understood me on Saturday night, because she cared. Because I
opened up to her. Because I realized I don't want to let her go. I don't
want to make this change, and then I saw I had to. That I have to cut
loose. And then [I] saw that she'd withdrawn her love of Saturday
night.
And now I'm ashamed of how I was with her. I'm running from my
vulnerabilities. I can't allow myself to feel like I did when I spoke to
her ... and she was kind. It hurts so much. It feels like [I'm] breaking. I
could go crazy over this. [My therapist] was right. I can only handle
so much at a time. No wonder the numbness has set in.
I feel endangered. I feel as if I have to disappear for a while. But my
body isn't allowing it' I can't zone out because I start feeling
'migrainy'.
So I promised to make contact [with my body/emotions]. It‘s already
helping a bit to write. I feel emotion for seconds at a stretch. If I try to
push – to feel more – it is as if something catches in my throat and
chest – like dry retching. I've actually just got to let go of the feelings
when they go.
It‘s terrible that I have been going around for so long with this ability
to disconnect. To be smooth and calm. To 'live on top of my house
and forget that it exists'.
Poor me. Poor me, poor me. I really deserve a lot of sympathy.
I've been aware of my disconnecting for ages but I think I've only now
seen just how drastic it can be.
I went from one way of being into another in one day on Sunday.
From being convinced that I should keep the loft [which is part of my
inheritance for when I turn twenty five in August] and be supported
by my mom; to knowing the only real choice is to take what I can and
leap into the unknown. I watched myself going through that process. I
watched as I struggled to make a choice. I realize why it was so hard.
I couldn't feel anything. I had to get a Stuart to help me talk my way
into the emotional aspects of the decision. And then I knew. I could
see that not selling was a symbol of wanting to hold onto a dream of
my mother's love. If I don't take her money I have nothing to prove
she loves me [with]. And I am afraid of taking the money from the
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sale because it is a kind of payout to make up for what is missing [i.e.
my mother's love]
Money + love...so complex. If she could really parent me it would be
safe to accept her support. But she gives money instead of love. I must
take my own money and be left with nothing.
[later]
I'm watching TV, if I do it for too long at a stretch my fingers start to
tingle. Then I switch it off and focus on my body. I try to feel a
sensation of downward flow into my legs. Try to get grounded.
I don't deserve a migraine. I'm doing my best. Tomorrow I'm going
for a massage. Tomorrow night I speak to [therapist] on the phone.
Please, dear body, warn me in other ways. I will listen. I'm trying to
stay centered.
I need to talk to someone. All this silence here by myself. It‘s easy to
just switch on the TV for company.
I'm scared to open up. I keep thinking of talking to my mom, being so
real with her while being so unsafe. I knew it too [at the tine].
Body, please just know that I'm not abandoning you. I'm trying to get
back to you. I'm trying to heal you.
[later]
I feel frustrated. 'What must I do?' I should have gone for a walk.
Sitting in my house all day is not good. I can force myself to feel. I
can force myself to be grounded.
[later]
I'm tired. Exhausted. Can't get comfortable. My back hurts and I need
exercise but I just want to sit down all the time.
Is this ever going to go away?
I'm not sleeping well at the moment because of anxiety.[I] don't want
to get a migraine.‖ (Appendix 2: Claire's diary 2004)
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In the next excerpt from Claire's diary, nearly a year later, is representation of how the illness
is still manifesting itself and was being interpreted through her relationship, both with her
family and with her own body and emotions. A lot of the money from her inheritance had
been spent on trying to normalize her body so that she could start a productive year, working
or studying – finding her passion. Her illness would not relent however, and the dissolution
that confronted the self was manifested in bodily symptoms, her lack of decision making
capacity and depression was, I believe, mostly caused by the tenuousness of her control over
her life.
Claire's personal diary 23rd
January 2005
―I phoned [my brother]. Feel drained and insecure. He's so pumped up
and motivated after his trip [abroad]. [He] was giving me advice about
getting out of my comfort zone etc. etc.
Felt invalidated. Like my whole life is a waste. I began ruminating
about the money I've spent [, money from my inheritance which I
have spent on medical therapies]. I felt like I did after speaking to my
father.
NO
My family does this to me. I must recognize that this is how I feel
about myself in their presence. Like a miserable failure who just floats
through life with no direction and no real hopes.
It‘s so hard to know what I want with those feelings. I'd come very
clearly to the knowledge that I want to pursue music and that I'm not
that keen on Drama. I drew a [tarot card, asking] ―Is it in my best
interest to do Drama 1 at University this year?‖ I got: ―Judgment‖
which seemed to indicate a resounding yes. But then I heard from
[English Professor] and it perhaps refers to that?
I played [my brother] my song. He seemed to like it. I enjoyed it but
by the end of the chat I rejected it.
I need to hold onto myself. I feel like I have no space – like I'm being
crowded. The criticism has started up.
I think I got sick so that I could do precisely that. [That is] hold onto
myself. I need a long time.
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I see what [my therapist] means by differentiation. I need to know my
own life and worth no matter what my family projects onto me.
[I have] been doing Vipassana meditation.[I] need to be in my body
even though it feels very uncomfortable. It‘s who I am. I realize how
hard it is for me to listen and let my body have its say. It‘s from doing
that, that I came to the sense that Drama isn't quite what I want.
Depression and retreat is my way of validating myself. I've always felt
more real in those spaces. I could retreat and tell myself that one day
they will know.
God! It's still so important for me to keep away from them [my
family].
I just sat with that feeling of indecision and confusion left from that
chat with [my brother]. And I see how that is how I've felt most of my
life. There is such a feeling of being in danger.
Tuesday 25th
January 2005
[I] went for UBI [treatment], after first canceling again [because it is
so expensive]. I wanted it. I wanted it to let this thing [this treatment]
be done to me.
It's so clear why I feel like I've been raped now. The UBI Doctor is
awful. He cannot make the experience less invasive, more calming
and sacred as it should be.
I feel raped. I felt the urge to let it happen even though I knew I had a
problem with its invasiveness.
[My therapist] made a connection between the needs of babies being
breastfed and sexual abuse. I didn't understand it but now I do. A baby
wants to be embraced and enveloped. It needs the total blurring of
boundaries. [My therapist] pointed that this becomes increasingly so
as they start to make eye contact.
The willingness to surrender in sexual abuse comes from the same
need, [it is] an urge to be overpowered, to give in.
I have that urge, in an ugly, bad situation I get ―hooked‖ on one
pleasant or comforting thing and allow the rest of the situation to
engulf me.
My illness is like that.
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My whole approach to the world is like that.
Like my fantasies as a child of being strapped into a sex machine that
would do things to me.
Inhuman, uncaring, un-nurturing but embracing nonetheless.
This is difficult. I'm barely processing it all. I've just come back from
the UBI Doctor. I've been trying to contain myself. I feel physically
violated.
And when I think about this job in another city I get the same sense. I
wake up in the middle of the night with this intense physical horror of
that job. Of packing up and leaving [here]. Fulfilling some
expectation. The pull – the candy – is the actual work. But the rest is
not comfortable. I feel pressurized to go for it – especially by myself.
I want to prove myself. I want to be something.
God! I have an awful time making decisions. It‘s because I cannot
allow a full body/being response to the presented situation as a whole.
It would mean breaking the habit of allowing myself to be 'raped'. It
would mean feeling other horrors.
I wasn't aware [the] last time, of UBI Doctor‘s affect on me.
Last night‘s horror was a childhood feeling. Just like my past UBI
feeling. A deep loss of something very personal. Something precious
thrown away. It felt like I had already accepted the job and thrown my
life here away. Thrown away my young, sacred, tentative self who
needs to take things slowly.
Friday 20th January 2005
Feel tired. Bone tired. My brain is jammed. Not foggy, just too tired to
think.
I'm not going for UBI, I'm not going to look for work. I will take
things very slowly. I'm going to get in touch [with my body/self]
I realize that it‘s my driveness that makes me ill. I still don't feel I
have a right to rest. I've been tackling this illness with all my strength
and I can't keep doing it that way. I have to stay with myself no matter
what.
I just feel so very strange. So ungrounded. I feel myself standing in
one spot for ages. I can't make up my mind what to do.
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I need to rest. Really rest. But I don't know how to let go. I don't want
to be in my bedroom. I feel stuck in there. I think I should change it
around a bit. Clear it of bad energy.
I've been pushing myself so hard for so long. It‘s got to stop. It has to
stop now.
[Later]
Drivenness = me = lack of replenishing energy. It‘s also an urge
towards something partially satisfying, partially destructive.
There is some energy released when I run into or collapse into one of
those bad addictive situations. Disconnection from myself. Running
on adrenaline. Like the high when I get dressed up and look good. Or
the frenzy of finishing a painting that‘s purely done to impress.
The way I went to see the UBI Doctor.
It‘s not sustainable energy. That‘s why I haven't quite been able to
follow through on things I enjoy. That adrenaline (over stimulation) is
just too exhausting to maintain.
When I am driven I am denying something in myself. I am overriding
some signal.
Like being molested. Overriding the signals that say get out.‖
In this next section I want to focus on Claire's retrospective view of her illness after returning
from two Tantric courses.
3. Chronology of the Illness Claire was quite well at the end of 2002. She was running and exercising ―for the first time
ever – consistently‖. She ―started honors in English at University in 2003. It was quite
stressful for her. In first term, about March 2003, she became ill. The illness, as she now
knows it was glandular fever, it lasted for about a week. Although here was no proper
diagnosis, in the form of a blood test, Dr D, a medical doctor and acupuncturist, said it was
Glandular fever (also known as ME). She had acupuncture and he was quite sure that it
would cure her.
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The acupuncture didn't help at all, she thought. She did get better, it was like recovering from
flu but the illness then became a constant thing. Her heart developed a tired beat. She would
be lying down and would feel as if I had run a marathon. She experienced palpitations at this
stage.
During this time she experienced recurrent bouts of glandular swelling and a feeling of being
generally tired. At the time she couldn‘t connect the persistent tiredness with this particular
illness. It was only towards the end of the year, after exams in November when she was
planning to leave for an overseas trip, that it became really bad, chronic. It was then that she
knew something was really wrong.
That December she went to see her parents and while there she experienced incredible stress.
She realized that this illness was directly linked to ongoing issues surrounding her
relationship with her whole family. She said she knew internally at that time that this illness
was a big problem but did not consciously link it to her relationship with her family to a great
extent then. She knew then, however, that this wasn't just going to go away.
Back in her University town she was stuck with it for a while, and it wasn't getting better. It
was then that she consulted a homeopath in a nearby town. She worked on it with her
homeopath to a point where she could function ―OK‖ and almost feel like it was just about to
get better. She would however experience relapses. This went on for a long time. She then
she broke her left ankle and didn't really notice the illness so much while she was
recuperating from her it. This is because she was immobile for about three months and the
ME consequently took a back seat. She still experienced the heart palpitations and her
symptoms resembled having influenza.
When her inheritance money came through in October 2004 she thought ―OK lets nail this‖
disease with medical treatment. She started by having her fillings out. This was because she
believed that her symptoms were partly due to mercury toxicity from fillings – as it turned
out this was not such a good idea. It made her much more ill than she had been before.
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The experience of the metal detoxification was very bad. She had mental problems: such as
lack of concentration, being incredibly moody and even suicidal. She said she had been
depressed before but at this time she had days of being seriously preoccupied with
contemplating suicide. The intensity of the effects of the metal detoxification wore off by
about January 2005. It was at about that time that she went to see the UBI Dr for UBI (ultra
violet blood irradiation).
The UBI treatment seemed to work at first but it was very expensive. She went for treatment
for four weeks in a row. It helped a lot, she felt lifted out of a slump and she had the sense
that she was on the road to recovery. This lasted for about two months and she started
planning her life again. She wanted to go back to University to study either Anthropology or
Drama. She was trying to find her passion. It didn‘t seem to come so easily.
It was at about that time that she went away on a trip, alone, into the nearby desert – it was
meant to be a kind of spiritual journey, a quest and self-initiation. She found that incredibly
difficult, perhaps, she said, because she hadn't been away for a long time. The desert trip
brought up her recurrent issues about being alone to the surface once more. While there she
experienced how, when she was alone, her own consciousness seems to get ―stuck in my
head‖, so while sitting with her own thoughts her experience was that she could not
experience just being in her body (unselfconsciously) – it really showed her about her
intractable problem related to her so called ―mind/body split‖. This helped her to realize
more profoundly that she had a serious desire to work with spiritual and environmental
healing, and finding sacredness in her life.
It was, however, after that experience that she had another serious relapse. She had a serious
relapse of glandular fever (M.E.) which she sat with in her flat in her University town for two
months. This was very frustrating for her because she would have two good days in which
she would try to get her life back again and then she would become sick again.
17
Shortly after this she had a breakthrough in her understanding of her illness which
culminated in her attending, two Neo-shamanic or Tantrica courses in a nearby coastal town.
After this she believed she had found her passion in life and it motivated her to move down
to the city where her parents lived. On the course she found new ways of coping with her
illness and her energy levels surged significantly.
Claire is now in the city, working as a project manager for a very subversive publishing
company that has a strong anti-capitalist stance. Although she still has problems with her
health she now has a better understanding of the illness.
In the next section I will look in more detail at how Claire negotiated her way through the
various healing methods.
4. Medical Pluralism
In Claire's experience both the western and the alternative medical therapies she had chosen
have based their views on the idea of the body needing to be controlled. She had a strong
feeling that there was ―some 'will' that needs to be acted upon the body‖. She said her ill
body was ―like this thing that is not behaving well and needs to be managed – so that it will
fit [into society] again‖.
Due to the manner in which Western Medicine ―isolates parts of the body, breaks it up into
pieces‖ and the lack of interest in the 'whole person', Claire from the beginning of her illness
completely rejected this form of treatment.
Homeopathy, on the other hand suited Claire. Here, for her, ―the image is more of the body
being off balance or out of kilter...and by giving the body back the thing that it is seeking in
the unbalance – the disease itself‖ – the body is healed. So for her it was more geared
towards health.
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She also used herbal remedies, but she said that the principal of the healing was the same as
Western Medicine because there were still side effects, even though they tended to be to a
lesser extent. She sees herbal medicines as still based on a chemical theory of efficacy
whereas Homeopathy is based upon an electrical theory (or vibrational theory) of the body
where the energy of the body is attended to, to restore balance and effect healing.
Homeopathy was however, for Claire, still frustrating because in her experience it tended to
still treat a seemingly endless array of symptoms and it didn't address the 'core' of the illness.
Similarly, acupuncture, was used and seen by her as based on an energetic conception of the
body where therapy involved opening up blockages in the body. Claire's experience was that
this seemed to work well if it was concerned with a specific organ but not for a general
condition like M.E.
Claire also used massage as a therapy but said that she found it too gentle for her needs.
She also tried Kinesiology, which she said is based on muscle testing. The Kinesiologist ―has
lists of issues and illnesses, parts of the body, how things work and then you set particular
intentions to shift‖ the unbalanced issues. Claire said that it is mostly based on using words
and gestures to talk to the body, which then responds via muscle testing. This did not work
for Claire at all, she said:
―Frankly I didn't feel like it did anything. It didn't work for me
because, particularly with my illness, I need to grapple with it
logically and ... it is an emotional expression that needs to happen.
Whereas [Kinesiology] doesn't encourage that sort of thing‖ [i.e. it
works largely on a body (unconscious) level].
The UBI Doctor, a medical doctor who uses Ultra-Violet Blood Irradiation (UBI) annoyed
Claire intensely. This was because he knew ‗too much‘ about 'the body' and she says he was
not interested in 'her body'. Therefore his preoccupation with 'the way the body works' made
Claire feel that if her body responded in a fashion contrary to ‗the norm‘, then that bodily
expression was 'bad news'. She continued to say:
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―He just makes it feel as if everything is so set and structured – there
is no fluidity and you are doomed or you can be saved. He is just a
medical doctor – the machine [i.e. the body] is working or it isn't
working. It made me so depressed when it did not work, he said it
would – when it didn't I felt like a complete failure. And that is why it
has been so important for me to find the way that I am not a failure.
He doesn't understand the deeper level of what is happening. [To his
credit though,] he never made any promises‖
Therefore for Claire, the UBI doctor had holistic ideas but was still constrained
within the biomedical paradigm.
All of these healing therapies, according to Claire are about trying to get the body back in
balance. The breakthrough for Claire was through a new interpretation of illness which she
discovered through the Process Work psychology of Arnold Mindell.
For Claire, Arnold Mindell's idea is of
―rather extending the imbalance to understand what the body is
trying to say, so if the body is achy in this spot then you say – make
it more sore – just extend that pain, go into the pain – exaggerate the
pain, speak the message of the pain, pull your body into the position
of the pain and then the whole picture comes out. Whereas
kinesiology and all kinds of other medicine are just about shutting
that message down.‖
When I questioned Claire about the so called ‗Wellness Revolution‘ she started her
explanation with the following quote from Arnold Mindell: ―health (good physical health)
might not be the best thing for the soul.‖ Mindell therefore encourages seeing a spiritual
message in the illness. The 'soul' is given priority over the fluctuating rhythms of the body.
This is how Claire could now take a new outlook on her illness and say: ―Nothing is 'wrong,'
just uncomfortable. It‘s painful, it‘s in discordance with maybe your environment but it is
something new, it is a creative thing that is happening.‖
Before, Claire said she had thought something was very wrong with her, her constant health
problems created a sense that she was lagging behind everyone else, that she was below
standard. She emphasized this by recounting how her (psycho-) therapist said ―why don't you
20
give your body its own autonomy.‖ Claire and her friend's reaction was: ―huh? No! You can't
just give the body its own autonomy – it‘s like – it will want to just eat and I'll get fat or it‘s
like a child that needs to be roped in.‖ The problem as she sees it now is that people have
performance anxiety because they are always comparing themselves to other people.
5. Life Politics
Before going on the Neo-Shamanic quest Claire had a breakthrough in terms of knowing
what she wanted to do with her life. She was particularly inspired Arnold Mindell and his
Process Work, Ecopsychology literature and Derrick Jensen.
Beginning with Derrick Jensen, she said that he stirred her emotionally in terms of her
―illness and discomfort and terrible unhappiness with the world‖ not being a consequence of
her own weakness, illness or pathology. Instead, after reading Derrick Jensen, she felt it was
―something that is part of being in a really difficult place in the world right now... in terms of
the environment, in terms of our western culture and the denial which is inherent in it‖. This
was, she said, the first book which made her feel that, possibly, her illness was really ―just
something sane in an insane world‖ and she ―'could go with' [her illness] and let it be what it
is.‖
After this insight she then stumbled onto the Process Work Psychology of Arnold Mindell
whose ideas seemed to take the ideas developed by Derrick Jensen about the ultimate
meaning of illness ―so much further in terms of the body's illness being part of the soul's
dreaming and illness being inherently meaningful in itself.‖ Illness in Arnold Mindell's
framework is that illness is the soul's way of unfolding a message and trying to reach out
with some sort of creative act.
When Claire integrated that line of she thinking she recounted how she suddenly thought:
―'fuck it', I am not crying for me, because my mommy was shit to me, I'm crying because
there is pain in the world and we are all sharing‖ this pain.
21
When she was entering the English honours course (the year she became ill) and then later
the world as a working adult, she said that she realised that her terrible angst was ―all a part
of this terror of losing my soul in consensus reality, of the death of the sacred. That is what it
felt like to me. It felt like the big wide world would swallow me up‖.
She said this was linked to how her mother taught her that 'in the real world' one had to
―wear this mask and please everybody, work hard (fingers to the bone) and then go home and
crash and hide all the pathology, all the illness.‖ She recounts how:
―the distress is left to the bedroom where you stay for weeks and
weeks and weeks – that's how my mother handled it and that‘s how I
saw it in my childhood – I was raised not to offend, and no matter
what was being done to me I had to not be offensive. To offend other
people – the world – a sense of them, their agendas and issues, not to
step on peoples toes. Ya.‖
Claire continued to say
―My mother told me once, when I was a little girl [when it] felt like we
were always in a war zone together, she told me that ―we are going to
fight… get through‖ – but it didn't come out that way overtly – for me
the message was more – ―not, come, be strong in yourself against the
world‖, it was – ―you‘re shit… prove yourself and never let anyone see
who you are‖. Yes there is un-safety but there is this constant – strain –
to be constantly pushing against the world. If you are going to crash
you have to make damn sure nobody sees you. So for me M.E. is great
[laughs] it hasn't been an illness that [I could say:] ―OK I can go to
hospital, get really sick have tons of operations come out and go back
into the world again.‖ It‘s like: ―I'm OK enough to be in the world with
my defenses on. I can't be the perfectly masked smiling girl. M.E. has
been very good in [the sense of] breaking that down… I can't wear the
mask when I am just trying to get through the day.‖
Her new understanding about the world was that life is about reciprocity. She said that she
had not been in a reciprocal relationship with the world on an ongoing basis. The messages
within the shamanism course are all really about connecting. She said that on the course she
was urged to – ―stay moist‖ – ―stay flexible‖ – ―be with the moment‖ and that is exactly what
connecting is about, she said.
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It is about being in a constant negotiation between your body and the world. She said for her
it was: ―not like I can shut my body down and do what the world tells me,‖ meaning that her
body had stopped wanting to abide by all the so called norms of the world or as she herself
puts it: ―my body has stopped wanting to cooperate with...the consensus world –it is just
saying no!‖
When I commented that her interpretation of her illness was a very reflexive view of being
sick, because most people see illness in the biomedical paradigm - that is as being attacked
by a virus, she said that she felt that her illness is an initiatory illness, and that it was as if
something inside of her forced her onto the path that she always wanted to be on but that felt
she couldn't follow. She said that the whole time she was ill that as soon as she recovered
that she knew that she would have to go and do something she really didn't want to do, that is
enter the job market. And so her illness was a way of preventing that.
She then recounted how her shaman teacher said the soul's battle with the ego was because
―the soul wants to move but the ego has worked for years... just to function in a way that it
does‖. The ego is therefore ―not prepared to give that up and so there is a war going on
inside‖ and Claire said she could feel herself in that war.
She spoke about how she came to realise how the safe space that she had created in the last
year and half is just safe in a completely cloistering way and it has 'fed' her ego. She
therefore became more and more restricted and controlling of her life. It has been such a
battle, she used to get excited about 'taking on her life', 'really shifting inside' but the ego, in
her words ―just takes over and says NO! You can't do this; you‘re too... weak.‖
Claire lamented how she had been, in her own words:
―crying out for initiation into sacred space, but I have also been
looking for the sacred in the profane, that‘s why everything becomes so
‗precious‘, like I can't eat this because its messed up and because
everything is so dirty because I am trying to find goodness and even
with people – like making friends with really silly shallow people and
trying to find depth there. [My therapist] mentioned my family as well,
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how I have been doing that with them, and it is true. I always try and
make this sacred space with them and they betray me in it.‖
After her shamanic course she explained how she had had ―an experience,‖ a kind of
initiation into ―sacred space‖ during the course. After this she said she felt completely able to
enter the world because she knew that although the world is profane - its money, living,
eating, and getting through the day – but there is also a place for something sacred. She felt
like her life was possibly set up because when she needs that sacredness, she knows where to
go.
With this new understanding of the world she reflected on how she used to feel like she
needed to be so pure, good and never lie but she is eating meat and swearing a lot more.
Finding that sacred space was described as such a relief because being allowed to be mad on
the course, to let her imagination and her body go – to just play - was fantastic and liberating
for her. This so-called madness was linked to Mindell's Process work and letting the body
have free expression without enforcing the controlling norms of society.
Being on the shamanic course also challenged her sense of being a 'child' because she was
challenged directly on these issues.
6. The Child and the Adult
She then went on to say that this illness has been a separating factor, something that has
pulled her out of her family. She blamed them for the illness and I still ―kind of‖ does. When
I interviewed her, after her 'breakthrough' she was still angry with them but said that her
illness had shown her that she doesn't really want to be separate from her family. She said
that she realises that being apart from her family doesn't make her happy and she had decided
that she can't always live in resentment. This was something she had not fully understood
until recently.
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This was tied to how her shamanic teacher‘s concept adulthood – that is, that you have to
retrieve the inner child, as Claire had been doing with her therapist to a large degree, ―to look
and see and find the original wounds deal with them and experience them, and all of that but
the point is not to recover the inner child‖ she said. The point rather is to 'grow up', to find
the 'inner adult' because that‘s what she is now. She said how she had not wanted to 'grow
up', because growing up meant entering this ―harsh world‖.
7. The Victim
In Claire's understanding the Ego is a system of defences which are formed through personal
regimes of coping with the world. Sometimes these regimes are held onto after they are
helpful, and so become pathologies.
On the shamanism course, Claire's so called ‗preciousness‘ was identified, by herself and
others, as one of her defunct coping mechanisms. Claire explained this in terms of
dispositions gleaned from her childhood:
―Well what‘s come up for me about the illness is, its… my mother
has this attitude about herself and about everything that she has been
through in her life – its she's a victim and she's um – 'this is just the
way she is' – she is like forever going to be like this – and everyone
around her must just accommodate her and everything just kind of
gets fed into that persona. So even the work she does is just feeding
that image of herself‖.
Claire believes that she has held onto that idea or disposition of being the victim and being so
sick and so sad. She sees how that is a measure of control in her life – being the victim. It
allows her to handle her environment, it means never having to surrender anything because
she has to be dealt with so carefully – and so ultimately it allows he have a sense of staying
in control a bit.
This realisation brought up issues related to being creative in the world. Being a victim for
her was related to not wanting to interact with an 'other' that is unpredictable, because as
25
soon as something is unpredictable she says she gets scared and withdraw from the
interaction.
This issue, then, is at the heart of her not connecting to other people because in her opinion,
getting to know someone is about ―taking that risk to be with something unpredictable‖. In
this way it is, for Claire, an odd paradox that being sick is a measure of control because it
allows her to, more or less, control her environment.
This passage from Claire expresses how, while on the course, her notion of being a victim
was challenged:
―It‘s funny what happens because [my shaman teacher] wasn't taking
my victim thing seriously. I saw then how the control then expanded.
I got into quite a power struggle with him. That became an obsessive
power struggle that I often got into. [When I was there] I couldn't
even take him saying anything to me about what he had recognized. I
would always say ―oh yes I know that‖. Ya I really picked that up. In
fact [I thought] ―you can't teach me anything... I am already on top of
it.‖ It was coming out in ways at dinner, lunch, picking up trays...
[once] something dropped onto the table and I was ―oo I saw that
coming.‖ You know I'm always actually in control, on top of things. I
can't bear to let go‖.
This issue of control and victimhood for Claire was part of her whole pluralistic
method of treatment. After she inherited her trust money she expanded her scope
of treatments in a desperate bid to defeat the disease.
The shaman course was for her completely different to all of her other therapies because this
time around it was much more about surrendering. Before, as she said, the other forms of
treatment were much more about control. Claire summarised it in the following way:
―OK…I have a problem with surrendering; this is a block that I am
encountering with interacting with people. The moment it gets to the
point when I have to surrender I have to let somebody in and I have to
start accepting gifts and I have to accept potential – what I was saying
– unpredictability. That is when I back off. So with being sick I think
it was also a sickness which requires a measure of surrender …
[surrender] that I haven‘t wanted. And the illness and the treatments
have all been about control and about getting more on top of things,
26
whereas the choice to go into this experience; I didn‘t quite know
what I was doing. I was really putting my body and mind – my being
into a space that I knew was going to require things of me that I would
feel uncomfortable with, and that I need at the same time. So I was
really opening up and taking a risk, more than the other ones were.‖
And she continued on the same theme in another interview:
―Ya, you have to dance with the world. I grew up in a home where I
was being messed with psychologically, like there were mind games
and so just holding onto reality, thinking what is reality – what is real
and holding it tightly was very important for me to survive. Like just
to be able to say: ―No! This is who I am‖, and strengthen and fortify,
and say – ―because everything was so messed up when I was a child,
my mother was crazy, I couldn't figure out who I was and the way
things were.‖ So the idea of being fluid is incredibly frightening to
me. I feel like I am going to go crazy because what if I lose that grip
on reality that I had to fight so hard to find.‖
8. The Shaman
Claire talked about how the Shaman is quite a post modern figure, in terms of her teacher‘s
understanding of it (i.e. shamanism). The Shaman she said is the ―technician in terms of
culture‖, the one knows the discourse, and knows how to change the particular things
through entering the realm of ―undifferentiatedness.‖ On her course she began to realize that
the Shaman is ―aware that the culture creates categories for things‖. Therefore, the Shaman,
―by going into realms that don't have categories ...can see how culture creates itself and
therefore he can function as a tool for changing mythologies or bringing in a new discourse‖.
The Shaman, she said, ―lives in the post-modern state where everything is equal, where there
is no dogma‖. He however delivers his message ―within the culture he is talking to‖ and so in
a sense straddles the two worlds. She used an example of how ―the young shaman in training
might see an animal or a person with an animal head‖ in their visions. This is not a 'monster'
but a sign that defines categorization so that the shaman knows about categorization. So in
this sense it is post modern, she says, because the shaman becomes aware of the artifacts of
culture.
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The Shamanic workshop was revelation for Claire. When she went there she was ―very ill.‖
She recounted how she sat there with the illness and ultimately discovered her energy again.
She realized that ―there was energy behind the sickness‖. She discovered how to ―just sit and
boost that energy‖. She had a very strong realization that she had found how she would like
to work through her illness. She said that although she wasn't brilliantly healthy, her outlook
is better and that now she could finally see a ―light at the end of the tunnel‖.
9. Living the Dreaming Body
In this chapter wish to briefly outline the Neo-Shamanic experience. This first excerpt is
from the brochure of the shamanic course Claire went on:
―The dreamingbody requires more than wellness; it wants challenge, risk,
personal power, and freedom. Even more than this, the body must seek
danger in order to become itself. The dreamingbody will never be healed
through healthy living alone, because it seeks the uncanny, at the edge,
through dreaming." Arnold Mindell
LIVING THE DREAMING BODY
In this workshop, we move deeply into exploring alternative realities. In
addition to power tools, we learn to use the Body as Ally. We face our
ultimate fear-threshold in our own Death Dance.
So we come to understand what is required of us to live experientially in the
place of the True Self. Using breathwork, trance dance, ritual drumming and
process work, we sustain deep altered consciousness. At the same time, we
live amongst a loving and conscious group of like-minded fellow travelers.
In this way, we bridge the gap between the actualized self and ecological
community.
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[Course outline]
The Roots of Classic Shamanism.
Recapitulation and erasing personal history.
Working with an Ally and Spirit Guides.
The Shaman‘s Horse and Soul Songs.
Regaining the Lost Soul.
The Descent into the Underworld.
Facing Consensus.
The Great Death Dance.
Moving on an ocean of Spirit without an anchor.
The Ascent into Destiny and Purpose.‖
Claire related some her experiences from the course to me. There was quite a lot of nudity on
the course. For example when Claire arrived at the retreat one of the instructors asked one of
the women to take her down to the lake for her cleansing. This person was busy so one of the
men took her down and there were one or two men already in the lake. She said to herself to
herself ―fuck it‖ and stripped down and got into the water. Normally Claire is very shy about
her body but I believe that on this course there is an understanding that everyone is entering
sacred pace.
I was told of about three rituals on the course. The ―death dance‖ was held around a fire after
drumming and perhaps some breathwork. The leader, the shaman, went first and exposed
himself to the trainees and told them many disgusting things about himself. The purpose of
the death dance is to get some of the ―muck‖ inside yourself exposed in public. Claire said
that she was surprised to see that everyone was carrying around problems with them. Later
everyone had to strip down and expose their genitals to the fire. Their ‗Yonis‘ and
‗Lingams‘. They all had to do their own death dances and tell everyone their dirty little
secrets.
When Claire had to do her death dance at first she started off quite coyly but the leader
prodded and goaded her with a stick until she became angry and wrestled (naked) with him
violently on the floor. After the death dance they all showered together. Claire seemed to
29
quite enjoy the liberation of it all. She explained how this was all ‗sacred space‘ and so it was
framed within that – that is why speaking about it in the ‗normal world‘ doesn‘t do the
experience much justice.
During her death dance she realized that she had been acting like the 'victim' so when she
was prodded and goaded and not allowed to settle for her old patterns she acted out a caged
cat. She came out hissing and spitting blue murder, snarling and prowling.
The other ritual involved going into the underworld. This I think involved hyperventilating
for about an hour. She said that the breathwork was hard rough for her but that conceptually
she could 'get to the underworld', which was played out in a game space but was very
meaningful for the participants.
The last journey I was told about was the 'journey to heaven space'. Claire, like the others,
was given a token that would allow her to pass into heaven when she found the right place.
She said she had to wonder around the forest for a bit until the environment gave her a clue
that she was there and then she had to use the token to 'pay the gate keeper' to get into
heaven. Here she struggled to get going and kept on bumping her head, or plants would pull
her hat off; this, was interpreted as her being too much in her head. She eventually, after a
long time, she found her way in and paid her pass.
The introduction to the Tantra course was more challenging for Claire. This involved
breaking down restrictive bodily space issues and connecting to other people through
touching and other various exercises.
There were lectures everyday and they seemed great. She has some notes for them and says
they were wide ranging and profound. What was very important on the course was aligning
the body with the mind through breathing techniques and spirituality. The teacher said that
some people have chosen to approach shamanism by going to traditional healers. Though this
may work for some, he said, the problem as he sees it is that the world which 'we westerners'
live in is very different from most so called traditional people and so for 'westerners' there are
many new problems to deal with that the so called traditional shamans are not adept at
dealing. He called some of these ―the 'white' man‘s burden.‖
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10. Moving On
After doing her homework assignment for the Neo-shamanism course, which involved
driving out of town in her car with no preplanning, just going ( I suppose a bit like ―On the
Road‖ by Kerouac), Claire realized that she had to leave her University town because it was
too cloistering for her. She felt it was difficult to step out of that ―narrowness‖ there. This
was further reinforced when she met and interacted with the people on the course who she
said had interesting and creative lives. Furthermore by moving to the city she could find
better employment opportunities and start attending Process Work group sessions.
Claire packed up her belongings and left her University town in her little red Golf. She found
a place to stay in a picturesque part of the city, and even started waitressing. She stopped the
waitressing after a few attempts and has instead found a publishing related job. She still has
problems with her family, she still struggles to connect and make friends but she is aware of
what she needs to do now and has started going out at night with her brother. She even had a
few glasses of wine the other night!
She has stopped taking expensive medicines and is working with a very well respected
Chinese Medicinal Healer. The strange thing is that he has told her to stop eating all the raw
food that she had been eating and told her to eat three cooked meals a day. In addition he has
given her some herbal teas to make. All the treatments seem well priced.
Claire‘s health seems to have returned and I am hopeful that she will follow this path because
it seems to have had a transformative effect on her.
11. Discussion
[You should read the Theoretical Orientation below for a more detailed explanation.]
Claire has, because of her traumatic experiences during childhood, I believe, struggled with
issues of belonging. This is why when she became ill, these issues were much made worse by
the illness. Her struggle for healing initially fed into her need to control her life, her body and
31
her environment. Through her interests in life politics (connecting to others, her body,
emotions and the environment) she has been drawn towards Neo-Shamanism.
My interpretation of her Neo-Shamanic experience is that is seems to bring back the
carnivalesque, grotesque body of the medieval times and therefore offer an new experience
of the energies of the body, self, and a sense of connection to others and the environment
which is not governed by the norms of society (which I have discussed as being formulated
into a ‗Cartesian lifeworld‘). She says that she can go into the ‗profane‘ world because she
knows (experientially, that is) that there is a ‗sacred‘ world. The Neo-Shaman teacher, talks
about Tantra (an important aspect of his Neo-Shamanism) as making no issue about its
radical methods of breaking down the individuals habituated perceptions of reality. The
Tantric method is to actively seek out such intense and even shattering experiences in order
to achieve a higher freedom. Part of its success is to transform unconscious content into
action.
When passions or emotions manifest, Tantra teaches, that the correct approach is to actively
open into and identify with these energies until the very roots of these emotions surface. The
adept should not become separated from these powers. Rather, assume those powers and
bring them to the highest degree of intensity whereby they consume themselves.‖1
He goes on to say ―this intensifying of feelings might seem similar to psychological methods
that explore sexuality and attachments to family and society, Tantra also works with the deep
spiritual forces that are accessed later in the journey‖. This, he argues, is ―past the edges
where psychology operates‖. ―The total disintegration of personality that is a prerequisite of
Tantric training is part of a lifestyle that affords few compromises on the journey to self-
realization‖.
It is essentially because of these understandings of overturning the norms of society, those at
least which tend to be experienced by many subjects, within so called ‗late‘ modernity, as
disruptive, that I have introduced Burkitt‘s (1999) theory of embodiment. This is because I
see a close correlation with his so called ‗maturity of the (post) modern subject‘ and the
1 Reminiscent of Nietzsche‘s ideas.
32
principles and aims espoused in the Neo-Shamanic (or Tantra) movement as represented here
by the shamanic teacher.
These were expressed by Claire‘s understanding of the ‗child‘ and the ‗adult.‘ The relational
theory of embodiment is insightful here because (with Claire) there is an overturning of the
‗ontological [i.e. nature of being] order of being‘ in her search for meaning, in which through
the privileging of the transcendent the ethical self is privileged over the normative self
resulting in a rejection of the radical doubt of Cartesianism. These Neo-Shamanic aims
discussed directly above, are also very similar to that in the so called ‗maturity of the (post)
modern subject‘ discussed in Burkitt‘s (1999) relational embodiment theory and the ‗life
politics‘ of Giddens (1991) –that is, from a philosophical view point.
Therefore in this study I have suggested, following Burkitt (1999), that the current relations
between people, in 'late' modernity that is, are overly based on normative forms of control
rather than ethical considerations (Burkitt 1999: 150). That is, through the application of
norms to the behavior of others and to ourselves, we seek to control and police activity rather
than to realize it in an ethical form. In this sense ―the modern subject is still in a sense of
immaturity, tending to look to external authorities for the validation of behavior and applying
norms created by hegemonic powers‖ (Ibid: 150- 1). To this end Burkitt (1999) suggests that
‖in the West, our moral codes have become focused more on a
concern for control than for care, for regulating one another rather
than for caring for each other...the effects of normative control on the
body are ones of armoring, where vulnerability and openness become
dangers that need to be closed off behind layers of defensiveness‖
(Ibid).
The quest for healing here is integrally linked to this so called 'life politics' and the Neo-
Shamanic quest is part of a journey towards connecting with the body, self, community,
environment and ultimately the transcendent (or God).
Furthermore Good (1994) in discussing the saliency of lifeworlds has opened a path for
understanding that lifeworlds are actively constructed through ‗lived experience‘ and belief.
33
Belief here is not seen as the rational choosing of one ideology or the other but rather in the
Medieval sense in that it is a commitment to a ‗way of being in the world‘ and an active
construction of that lifeworld.
He has also underscored (following Shutz 1971) the taken for granted importance of the
common sense world which can be severely disrupted by illness. This I have also argued is
related to the norms of the productive body. In this conception, following Connolly and
Craig (2002), the so called ‗wild body‘ is seen as an intrusion of ‗nature‘ into society and is
therefore a source for the disruption of the sense of an integrated self.
The integrated self of productive bodies takes for granted the somatic experiences of life and
therefore severe disruptions can occur when the body does not ‗behave as it should.‘ The
concept of ―Soul Loss‖ as discussed by Desjarleis (1994) emphasizes the somatic aesthetic
experiences of the body and I believe that these closely correlate to Claire‘s search for
healing.
In conclusion then I would like to emphasize the courage and creativity that Claire has shown
in actively constructing a spiritual path that has had positive implications for her overall well
being (wellness). This I believe highlights how the quest for meaning is an essential task for
culture in that it turns pain into suffering and thereby reconstitutes a valid lifeworld. The
answer for Claire has been to connect; this was however something she knew intellectually
for a long time. It was not until she had a visceral experience of something ‗sacred,‘ that is
something other than what she considered as the ‗profane world of production,‘ that she
could finally ‗see the light at the end of the tunnel‘ and make the decisive move towards so-
called ‗adulthood.‘
34
Theoretical Orientation
12. Theoretical Introduction
In this section I wish to present the theoretical framework for the interpretation of the case
study.
In Chapter 13: The ontological hierarchies of illness, I argue that Western Biomedicine
places biology at the centre of its ontological hierarchy of illness and social relations at the
periphery where as this is reversed in Alternative (or so-called Traditional) Healing therapies
to a large extent. This highlights the reason for both the rejection of Western Biomedicine
and the attraction of Alternative medicines for many sufferers of chronic illnesses because
when Western Biomedicine cannot cure them, sufferers seek to manage the integrity of their
'lifeworld.' Here the orientation of Alternative therapies suits this endeavor because it
counters the objectification of the body as an object and so offers a path toward the integrity
of self and body.
In Chapter 14: Anthropological Representations of Illness, I review discuss the relevant
medical anthropological concepts and perspectives for a study of chronic fatigue from an
emic socio-cultural perspective.
In Chapter 15: The Soteriological (Salvation) Function of Medicines, I briefly discuss why,
in a society characterised largely by materialist individualism, Biomedicine has become the
ultimate source of salvation because life, health and youth are privileged above earlier forms
of transcendence such as the messianic realm.
Chapter 16: 'Lifeworlds' as Worlds of Experience, introduces the notion of the lived worlds
of experience which are the subjectively lived lives of chronic fatigue sufferers.
Chapter 17: Symbolization; the Struggle for a Name, suggests illness needs to be
incorporated into the symbolic domain so as to be made manageable by the sufferer. Positing
meaning onto the disease turns pain into suffering, thus giving it meaning.
35
Chapter 18: The Making and Unmaking of Worlds, examines the healing process from the
viewpoint of re-making lost 'lifeworlds'.
In Chapter 19: Aesthetics, Rationality, and Medical Anthropology, I argue that from an emic
perspective the biological reductionism of biomedicine does not account for the experience
of illness.
In Chapter 20: Soul Loss, I introduce the anthropological concept of soul loss for a cross
cultural perspective on a syndrome which seems to closely resemble chronic fatigue (as it is
experienced in Western cultures), and I stress the importance of embodiment theory in
understanding the 'lifeworlds' of sufferers.
Chapter 21: Illness Conceived as the 'Wild Body', introduces Connolly and Craig‘s (2002)
concept of the 'wild body' and situates the research in a critical stance, which I argue exposes
the 'productive body' of normal subjects within a modern capitalist world.
In Chapter 22: Introduction to Burkitt's (1999) Relational Theory of Embodiment, Chapter
23: Cartesianism as a 'lifeworld', Chapter 24: Emergence of the Cartesian Self, and Chapter
25: Modernity a comprehensive review and discussion of Burkitt's relational embodiment
theory is undertaken to argue that within modernity there has been a construction of the
Cartesian Self which is common to so called modernity and 'late' modernity. The reason I
introduce this here is to argue that 'existential fright,' (Burkitt 1999: 141) at experiencing the
disruption or disintegration of the so-called productive body, within 'late' modernity tends to
be dealt with through a nostalgic (or neo-Romantic) search for connection with the self,
body, community and environment. This is discussed by Giddens (1991) under the rubric of
‗life politics.'
The overarching theme of Claire's search for healing and meaning is I argued situated within
the framework of 'life politics' and can be interpreted as a quest for ontological security
through overcoming the alienation and division of self which is common to 'late' modernity.
Her pluralistic use of medical therapies underscores this need for intellectual, emotional,
somatic and ultimately spiritual connection with herself, body, family, community and
environment.
36
Finally in Chapter 26: Neo-Shamanism, I introduce the Neo-Shamanism of the shamanic
practitioner with whom Claire trained. The primary aim here is to introduce some
background information before the case history of Claire is presented. A fuller investigation
is not possible here.
13. The Ontological Hierarchies of Illness
A defining characteristic in Claire's illness is her rejection of the objectification common in
the biomedical sphere. She has instead preferred to consult so called alternative therapists. In
this chapter I will discuss the broad differences between biologically determined and socially
constituted healing methodologies to expose the objectification that Claire experiences when
confronted with medical practitioners.
Good (1994) says that the nature of illness leads persons to confront the material body as
well as the moral dimensions of life, this is so even in the modern world where overarching
moral orders have been fragmented, and so all medicine joins the rational with the deeply
irrational (Good 1994: 24). Confronting the moral dimensions of life is a quest for meaning,
which Good (1994) says is the ―central task of the 'work of culture' [, that is,] to transform
human misery into suffering, and to counter sickness with healing‖ (Ibid).
There is a fundamental dichotomy between Western medicine's and many of the so-called
traditional or alternative medicines' understanding of the ontologies of illness (Ibid).
Although the Biomedical view is a powerful and effective way of seeing reality, it is
contrasted to a view held by many traditional and alternative medicines; in which social
organization and social relations are the ontological source of the so-called ―great chain of
being‖ (Ibid)
Western Biomedicine
Looking first at Western Biomedicine, Good (1994) argues that the message of medical
training is that there are ―worlds within worlds, each subsumed by the other... [down to] ...the
molecular level‖ (Ibid: 75). In this hierarchy biology is at the center and social relations at
37
the periphery (Ibid: 76). Those diseases in which the mechanisms are clearly understood
provide the prototypes for all disease and suggest that all disease is of the same order or kind
and so the message is clear: ―we only need to fill in the missing structural links‖ to find the
cure (Ibid). Western Biomedical treatments tend to be ―mechanical and impersonal‖ and the
healers described as cool, distant and formal in their relations with their patients (Ibid: 24). In
accordance with this they use abstract concepts about 'the body' (Ibid).
The Medical Gaze:
With the emergence of the body as a site of medical knowledge, the body is newly
constituted as a medical body (Ibid: 72). The medical body is therefore quite distinct from
the bodies with which we interact in everyday life, and ―the intimacy with that body reflects
a distinct perspective, an organized set of perceptions and emotional responses that emerge‖
(Ibid). For example Good (1994) describes the anatomy laboratory as having a distinct set of
moral norms which changes their perception in those settings (Ibid).
This so-called ―whole other world‖ is a ―biological world, a physical world, a complex three
dimensional space‖ (Ibid: 73). ―Thinking anatomically‖ is central to the medical gaze (Ibid).
The training is very visual in that learning anatomy requires a training of the eye, ―to see
structure where none was obvious‖ to the untrained eye (Ibid). Three dimensional images
remain central to biology. The message of medical training is that there are ―worlds within
worlds, each subsumed by the other... [down to] ...the molecular level‖ (Ibid: 75). This kind
of view is what is posited to lead to biological determinism, for a polemical critique of
sociobiology see Sahlins 1976b.
In medical training Good (1994) says that in the intern phase of the training there is a real
sense of becoming a professional attached to writing up a diagnosis of the patient and a
conscious construction of what a patient is to the doctor (Ibid: 78). The following excerpt is
from a student at the Harvard Medical School when Good (1994) asked about 'editing out'
patient's stories:
―You're not there to just talk with people and learn about their lives
and nurture them. You're not there for that. You're a professional and
38
you're trained in interpreting phenomenological descriptions of
behavior into physiologic and pathphysiologic processes. ... [Telling
someone's] story ...is missing the point. That's indulgence, sort of...
What you need ...is stuff you are going to work on‖ (Ibid).
Good (1994) insists that writing opens up the methodology for constructing the interactions
with patients (Ibid).Conversations with patients are not stressed whereas presenting cases is a
crucial part of the training, and this has to follow a very restricted format (Ibid: 79). The
discourse permitted for presenting cases is very limited to the biological realm which is the
―important stuff‖ (Ibid). It is the through the presentation of cases that the student largely
gets the recognition and consequently the confidence to become a doctor and Good (1994)
argues that these performances are not simply a way of depicting reality but a very particular
way of constructing it (Ibid: 80).
Case presentations are constructive in the sense that they represent disease as the object of
medical practice. The ―story‖ presented is a story of disease processes, localized spatially in
disease tissue lesions and disordered physiology and temporally in abstract, medicalized time
([Frankenberg 1988c] paraphrased in Ibid). The person, the subject of suffering, is
represented as the site of disease rather than as a narrative agent‖ (Ibid). So with the strict
focus on the identification of pathologies and the application of medical therapies, the result
is that the 'lifeworld' of the patient is neglected as is now widely documented in the medical
social science literature (Ibid).
For the medical doctor, then, the ―medical construction of the body through various
interpretive practices‖ are what Autin (1962) calls ―speech acts‖ because they are powerful
ways of acting, leading to further actions which ―quite literally shape and reshape the body‖
(Ibid: 81). Although this depiction is a caricature because in a hospital setting these
interpretive practices are necessary to a large degree, it however opens up a general critique
of the formal medical institution. What it does reflect is that the psychosocial (and social)
dimensions of medicine are severely marginalized. Notwithstanding the positive aspects of
modern medicine, this criticism highlights the materialist and individualist vision of the
instantiation of the practice of medicine in Western or Modern settings (Ibid). These
39
shortcomings tend to become highlighted with syndromes which cannot easily be penetrated
by the medical gaze.
Traditional Medicine
In contrast to this the ―Zinacanteco System,‖ from Mexico (as an example of traditional
medicine), of curing uses ―emotionally charged symbols, and the treatment relationship is
characterized by closeness, shared meaning, warmth, informality, and everyday language‖
(Ibid: 26-7). The most obvious interpretation for the difference in these approaches is that
―Western curing is aimed at exclusively the mechanical body, while Ziacancento procedures
are directed at social relations and supernatural agents‖ (Ibid: 27).
It is common for many traditional healing rituals in Africa to incorporate the whole family or
support network of the sufferer into the healing ritual – which may be interpreted from a
sociological viewpoint as an active process of treating the ‗lifeworld‘ of the patient to assist
them to cope with their illness.
14. Anthropological Representations of Illness
In this chapter I explore how anthropologists have examined illness from a cultural
perspective.
Illness representations as culturally constituted realities: The “meaning
centered” tradition.
In the empiricist tradition many writers have externalized disease from culture and treated it
as a part of nature while in the cognitivist anthropologists have been largely indifferent to the
epistemological status of disease (Ibid: 52). It has been the interpretive anthropologists,
following Kleinman's work in the late seventies that has ―placed the relation of culture and
illness at the center of analytic interest‖ (Ibid).
The fundamental claim of this ―meaning centered tradition has been that disease is not an
entity but an explanatory model‖ (Ibid: 53 [emphasis in original]). Therefore ―disease
40
belongs to culture...[which] is not only a means of representing disease, but is essential to its
very constitution as a human reality (Kleiman 1973b; B. Good and M. Good 1981)‖ (Ibid).
―Disease thus has its ontological grounding in the order of meaning and human
understanding (A. Young 1976)‖ (Ibid).
It is, therefore, a ―category fallacy‖ according to Kleinman (1977) to believe that disease (as
a category) belongs to nature (Ibid). Any illness event has ―multiple interpretive frames and
discourses‖ brought to bear upon it and the interpretive approach in taking a ―strongly
interactionist and perspectivist position...rather than either reifying or denying the
significance of biology [instead seeks to analyze how] biology, social practices and meaning
interact in the organization of illness as a social object and lived experience‖ (Ibid: 53).
The meaning centered approach, then, highlights that the ―interpretations of the nature of an
illness always bear the history of the discourse that shapes its interpretation, and are always
contested in settings of local power relations‖ (Ibid). The empirical research in this field has
exposed surprising variations and diversity in the ―construction of clinical realities across
sub-specialties‖ even within given societies and has sought to show ―how cultural
interpretations interact with biology or psychophysiology and social relations to produce
distinctive forms of illness‖ (Ibid). According to Kleinman (1973b) the symbolic bridge
between intersubjective meanings and the human body is provided within the context of
culture (Ibid).
What the research in this tradition has suggested is that ―cultural 'idioms of distress' (Nichter
1981) organize illness experience and behavior quite differently across societies, that culture
may provide 'final common ethno-behavioral pathways' (Carr and Vitaliano 1985) and
construct unique disorders‖ (Ibid: 53-4). Good (1994) points out that the course and
prognosis of major chronic diseases can differ profoundly between individuals and cross-
culturally (Ibid). These differences ―have been shown to be produced by cultural meanings,
social response, and the social relations in which they are embedded‖ (Ibid).
Furthermore in the investigation into the ―role of therapeutic practices both in the 'clinical
construction of reality'‖ and in the production of healing efficacy, rhetorical practices, in
41
particular, have been shown to have ―powerful effects‖ in a number of empirical studies
(Ibid). Good (1994) cites Csordas (1983), (1988); Csordas and Kleiman (1990) among others
in this regard. Therefore it can be seen that instead of merely focusing on ―representation per
se, this tradition has investigated how meaning and interpretive practices interact with social,
psychological, and physiological processes to produce distinctive forms of illnesses and
illness trajectories‖ (Ibid).
Good (1994) says that research on the semantic networks associated with the core symbols
and symptoms in medical lexicons suggests that
―networks of associative meanings link illness to fundamental cultural
values of a civilization, that such networks have longevity and
resilience, and that new diseases (such as AIDS) or medical categories
acquire meaning in relation to existing semantic networks that are
often out of explicit conscious view of members of the society‖ (Ibid:
54-5).
Furthermore this research also suggests that these semantic networks are not only the simple
precipitates of social practices or explanatory models but are also ―deep cultural associations
(such as that between obesity and ―self control‖ in the U.S.) that appear to members of the
society simply as part of nature or an invariant of the social world and may therefore be part
of hegemonic structures (cf. B. Good and M. Good 1981)‖ (Ibid)
Of current concern within (circa 1994) this tradition is the difficulty, shared with sufferers, of
the representation of ―suffering and experience in our ethnographic accounts, the problematic
relation of experience to cultural forms such as narratives, and the efforts to understand the
grounding of such experience in local moral worlds‖ (Ibid). In these so-called ―experience
near‖ accounts the rendering of a present body has been important. A phenomenological
theoretical orientation has been used by some to study of the ―medium and structure of
experience, conceiving the body as subject of knowledge and experience and meaning as
prior to representation‖ (Ibid). Along with studies on embodiment (Csordas 1990),
phenomenology has become increasing important in ―investigating the relation of meaning
and experience as intersubjective phenomena‖ (Ibid).
42
Illness representations as mystification: views from “critical” medical
anthropology
A body of scholarship which has elaborated on Foucault‘s assertion that ―when there is
power, there is resistance‖ (Foucault 1978: 95-96) counters the tendency to see those who
suffer oppression as passive (Ibid: 58). Ong's (1987, 1988) study used the concept of
resistance to analyze how the young female Malaysian factory workers experienced violent
spirit possessions to express their reactions to ―changes in their identity and to demeaning
work conditions‖ (Ibid). Similarly Lock's (1990) study of the complaints of nevra by Greek
women in Montreal shows how this malaise ―give[s] voice to oppression‖ but simultaneously
―reinforce[s] differences‖ and situates them in a socially ―dangerous liminal position‖ (Ibid).
This tradition therefore shows that the language and action of illness or possession can
function to covertly articulate social and political meanings. This form of ―critical‖ medical
anthropology serves to advance Allan Young's (1982) challenge that medical anthropology
should develop ―a position which gives primacy to the social relations which produce the
forms and distribution of sickness in society‖ (Ibid). These ―thick descriptions‖ can ―reveal
how oppressive global and societal forces are present in small details of living and dying‖
(Ibid).
Despite the apparent hegemony of the doctor over the docile body of the patient, medical
treatment is ―also a conversation, a dance, a search for significance, the application of simple
techniques that save, lives and alleviate pain, [and] a complex technological imagination of
immortality‖ (Ibid). Medicine also mediates, in Good's (1994) view, between soteriology
(salvation) and physiology and he goes on to suggest that ―illness combines physical and
existential dimensions, bodily infirmity and human suffering‖ (Ibid: 70). Therefore medicine,
despite its materialist grounding in the natural sciences, when analyzed as an activity ―joins
the material to the moral domain‖ (Ibid). To this end, ―Weber (1946: 267-301) held that
civilizations are organized around soteriological vision – an understanding of the nature of
suffering, and means of transforming or transcending suffering and achieving salvation. In
43
contemporary Western civilization, medicine is at the core of our soteriological vision‖
(Ibid).
15. The Soteriological (salvation) Function of Medicines
Good (1994) suggests that medicine plays a very particular soteriological function in modern
societies, characterized as they are by materialist individualism (Ibid). Weber stressed the
pivotal role ―of ideas of redemption or salvation in the organization of civilizations‖ which is
dependent on the image of the world (Ibid). He wrote that before the onset of modernity,
―[o]ne could wish to be saved from political and social servitude and lifted into a Messianic
realm in the future of this world...One could wish to escape being incarcerated in an impure
body and hope for a purely spiritual existence (Weber 1946: 280)‖ (Ibid). Whereas in the
modern world, it is Medicine which frames to a large extent our ―contemporary image of
what constitutes suffering‖ and our culture's vision of redemption because it is the deep
commitment to biological individualism, where the spirit is an increasingly ―‗residual
category‘ (Comaroff 1985: 181)... that the maintenance of human life and the reduction of
physical suffering have become paramount‖ (Ibid). ―Sickness, death, and finitude are [now
therefore] found in the corpse, that is, in the human body itself‖ (Ibid). Salvation, or at least
some partial representation of it, is therefore present in the ―technical efficacy of medicine‖
(Ibid).
16. Lifeworlds as Worlds of Experience
The ―lifeworld,‖ the Lebenswelt, is the world of our common, immediate lived experiences.
For many this is the world of reality. Science is grounded in this lifeworld and assumes a
particular perspective and attitude toward reality thereby constituting particular forms of
knowledge (Ibid: 122). The Scientific world is however only one of several ―worlds‖ of
experience, such as religious, dream, music, art and common sense ―worlds‖ of experience
and knowledge (Ibid). Phenomenology attempts to give a direct account of these experiences
(Ibid). The rhythms and disruptions of experience presume a socially organized lifeworld
44
(Ibid). Therefore ―a description of the contours of the lifeworld, and a description of the
contours of the social world as experienced requires attention not only to the cognitive
shaping of experience, but to the sensual body as well‖ (Ibid).
―The self is constituted in relation to a world, and it is not only through direct description of
embodied experience but through the description of that lifeworld that we have access to the
selves of others‖ (Ibid). In some cases of illness the sense that the world we live in is
common to those around us gives way, and the significance of life shifts so that the world of
the sufferer - in Scary's (1985) expression: ―the world is transformed or 'unmade'‖ (Ibid).
Good (1994) discusses the narrative structures of chronic pain sufferers and concludes that
they ―follow patterns all too recognizable to those who study chronic pain in Western
culture‖ (Ibid: 120). That is, Soma is juxtaposed to Psyche (Ibid) The tendency is therefore
for
―the body [to be treated] as [the] object of treatment and source of
hope [which is then] juxtaposed [to the] life history as the source
of suffering and the psyche the object of therapy....All narratives
are... stories about lived experience... and so accounts [tend to] link
...lived experience to an underlying coherence, a story line, a
meaning‖ (Ibid).
These stories, as Paul Ricoeur (1981a: 278) says, ―extract a configuration from a succession‖
and the story line has a quality of ―'directness,' a teleology, a sense that the story is going
somewhere (Ibid). The narratives are aimed not only at ―describing the origins of suffering,
but at imagining its location and source and imagining a solution to the predicament‖ (Ibid:
121). However, when the healing of the two narratives fails to materialize neither narrative
(the psyche or the soma) gains authority ―and the self is threatened with dissolution‖ (Ibid).
Shutz's “Multiple Realities”
In ―On Multiple Realities,‖ Shutz (1971) argues that the common sense world, as opposed
the scientific, religious etc worlds, has the characteristic of taking objects for granted rather
45
than submitting them to critical attention and so is somewhat divorced from the worlds where
theory and imagination predominate. Good (1994) suggests that examining how illness
―unmakes‖ or ―systematically subverts‖ the common sense world could further social and
cultural analysis (Ibid).
Therefore knowing what constitutes this common sense reality would be a useful starting
point, and Shutz (1971) indicates six of these features (Ibid).
1. The specific mode of experiencing the self, in this common-sense reality, is that the
―author‖ of activities (and the ―originator‖ of on-going actions) is an ―undivided total
self‖ (Ibid). In contrast to this ―undivided total self,‖ the experience of chronic pain
and illness can turn the body into an object, that is, a ―distinct and alien from or even
alien to the experiencing and acting self‖ (Ibid). This can shape not only the
experience but also the experienced world of the sufferer (Ibid: 125).
2. Shutz (1971) argues that there is a ―form of sociality‖ typical of common-sense
reality and that it is one of the common assumptions in common-sense reality that
the world we experience is inhabited by others who share that world with us (Ibid).
When this assumption is called into doubt they can feel alienated from the everyday
world of work and accomplishment (Ibid). Now when you have a chronic condition
that essentially undermines the close link between the visual and the real in the
clinical practices of medicine, the failure to classify and bring the illness into the
social realm of cause and effect causes the sufferer to doubt their own suffering
because of the lack of social validation (Ibid). If the words of the sufferer are
doubted then their world is called into doubt along with its author and so the world
and the self of the author become threatened with dissolution (Ibid).
3. Shutz (1971: 214-18) argued that the experience of a ―common time perspective‖ is a
subtle assumption in common-sense reality and is sometimes called into question in
the experiences sufferers of chronic conditions (Ibid). ―Time caves in. Past and
present lose their order‖ and thereby the private world of the sufferer ―not only loses
its relation to the world in which others live, [but] its very organizing dimensions
46
begin to break down. Pain [and suffering] threatens to unmake the world and in turn
to subvert the self‖ (Ibid).
4. There is the order of consciousness in the common-sense world which is
characterized by ―wide awakeness‖ and full active attention.
5. There is a natural attitude in common-sense reality which is to suspend doubt in
appearances, as Shutz (1971: 288) says we ―take the world and its objects for granted
until counterproof imposes itself‖ and we ―live as though the present extends itself
indefinitely‖ (Ibid: 127). When this natural attitude fails the sufferer then there is
often a sense of betrayal that the taken for granted world has been somehow stolen
from them.
6. The everyday world is made up of intentional projects, this is lost to many suffers of
chronic illness.
17. Symbolization; the Struggle for a Name
The systematic dissolution of the lifeworld is countered in chronic illness sufferers by ―a
human response to find or fashion meaning, to reconstitute the world or as Scary (1985: 6)
says, ―to reverse the de-objectifying work of pain itself into avenues of objectification‖ (Ibid:
128). In this way many healing activities, including medical activities, can be interpreted as
devoted to reconstituting the threatened lifeworld (Ibid).
These take shape in the form of diagnostic, therapeutic, the construction of meaningful
narratives and occupational therapies which all can be seen as seeking to reconstitute the
lifeworld of the ill (Ibid). Diagnosis is an effort to construct an ontological source for the
symptoms and locate it an objectifiable and localizable order in which the cause is ―known‖
(Ibid).
Similarly ―narrativization is a process of locating suffering in history, of placing events in a
meaningful order in time‖ (Ibid). Also, because history is implicitly the study of change it
opens up an imaginable future in which the illness is overcome and a positive ending to the
story is held in the present time which encourages hope, even in the deepest moments of
adversity (Ibid). Therefore, as Good (1994) asserts, one of the central aspects of healing is
47
the ―symbolization of the source of suffering, to find an image around which a narrative can
take shape‖ (Ibid).
Unfortunately sometimes the source of the suffering, particularly for those with chronic
illnesses, ―refuses to speak... and resist[s]... symbolization‖ and refuses to 'answer' to a name,
though many names have been proposed (Ibid: 129). Examples of the names which have
been posited are ―childhood trauma‖ (for a generation of therapists), localization by
biomedical diagnoses – but when these fail the search does not stop, this is because the
naming of the origin of the pain or suffering is a ―critical step in the remaking of the world,
in the authoring of an integrated self‖ (Ibid).
The role of symbolization in healing, as discussed by Leihardt's (1961) study of the Dinka
experience of possessing spirits (demons), suggests that this form of symbolization ―may be
understood to represent complexes of Dinka experience... which they understand to be the
grounds of their experience‖ (Ibid). He writes that:
―Without these powers or images or an alternative to them there
would be for the Dinka no differentiation between experience of the
self and of the world which acts upon it. Suffering, for example, could
be merely ―lived‖ or endured. With the imaging of the grounds of
suffering in a particular Power, the Dinka can grasp its nature
intellectually in a way that satisfies them, and to some extent
transcend and dominate in this act of knowledge. With this
knowledge, this separation of a subject and an object in experience,
there arises for them also the possibility of creating a form of
experience they desire, and of freeing themselves symbolically from
what they must otherwise passively endure ([Leihardt 1961: 170]
cited in Good 1994: 130).
In the modern world these so-called demons ―remain latent sources of objectification. Unlike
the experience of the Dinka, in the modern world demons are not fully integrated into the
intersubjective world. Demons are therefore not ―social beings which serve to join
consciousness to the social world, subject to ritual action and thus forces for healing‖ (Ibid).
More commonly, in the Western orientation, relief is sought in the dominant identifications
of illness with a physical lesion or psychological trauma (Ibid). Good's (1994) example, of
Brian, a patient suffering from chronic pain, for whom the medical and psychological
48
explanations have failed shows that there are alternative, creative responses. For Brian, in the
absence of a shared cultural myth such as the Dinka, it is a clinging to the expression
afforded by his ―art work as a form of imaginative self-extension, of projecting
consciousness into the world... which maintains his relation to the social order [and] enabled
him to cling tenuously to the everyday world‖ (Ibid).
18. The Making and Unmaking of Worlds
In discussing the nature of grief and mourning as a way of being in the world Good (1994)
suggests that ―[f]or the mourner, the world... appears unfamiliar; people are strange, the
landscape unnatural, movement stops midstream...nature appears alien‖ (Ibid: 130-1). When
healing has taken place the world is reconstituted or put back together and the conversation
with 'the environment' resumes (Ibid).
The resumption of this conversation with 'the world' is often a long and tortuous process and
Good (1994) posits that ritual work is often aimed precisely at rebuilding the ―conventional
world, returning solidity to the social order of the survivors, returning the ―houseness‖ to our
houses, the ―streetness‖ to our streets, masking the absolute change that has occurred‖ (Ibid).
―Sickness subjects man to the vital rhythms of his body,‖ wrote Merleau-Ponty wrote (1964:
172) and therefore interrupts the normal rhythms of social life (Ibid). These normal rhythms
of lived experience include ―moving from activity to rest, from work to play, concentration
to relaxation (Ibid). Exclusive involvement in one or the other is a sign of pathology, or a
moral flaw (Ibid). With the focus on the vital rhythms of the body penetrating uncontrollably
in the social rhythms of social experience this distorting presence causes the body to be
objectified and alienated from the (normal) experiencing self (Ibid: 132). When medical
practices fail to successfully localize the source of suffering objectification is unsuccessful.
The experience ―is thus proclaimed subjective, a functional disorder of the subjective self.
The sufferer is then held responsible for producing their own suffering (Ibid).
Good (1994) goes on to argue that ―symbolization‖ and narrative can be understood better as
―invoking‖ the origins of suffering rather than a ―depiction‖ of them (Ibid). This is because
49
language, outside of the empiricist, referential view of language depicting an objective world
'out there', is also metaphorical and subjective (Ibid: 132-3). Charles Taylor (1985a, 1985b)
argues that this ―invocative function is often more primary than the describing or depictive
functions of language‖ (Ibid). Metaphors become then a way of ―invoking and formulating
reality‖ (Ibid). Placebo drug research (for example Moerman 1983) has made this invoking
of reality in the process of diagnosis and medicinal and therapeutic treatment patently
obvious (Ibid). The representation of the complex causes of illnesses is certainly partial at
best in most cases in any case (Ibid).
Disease occurs not in the body but of course in life. That is, it is ―not only in the body – in
the sense of the ontological order of the great chain of being – but in time, in place, in
history, and in the context of lived experience and the social world (Ibid). Therefore
narratives are central to the understanding of illness for sufferers because in the spaces
opened up by the narratives these experiences are not divorced from other aspects of life and
experience (Ibid). Hayden White (1981) writes,
―if we view narration and narrativity as the instruments by which the
conflicting claims of the imaginary and the real are mediated,
arbitrated, or resolved in discourse, we begin to comprehend both the
appeal of narrative and the grounds for refusing it (1981: 4-5)‖ (Ibid).
Narratives, as such, are the basis for ―moralizing judgments‖ (White 1981: 2-3) and to the
―why me?‖ type of questioning (Ibid). In this sense it is crucial for making sense of suffering
in the moral order and is the pathway to hope (Ibid).
The Narrative Representation of Illnesses
Early (1982; cf 1985, 1988) suggests that, from the listening to everyday stories of illness in
Cairo that, these narratives ―develop an interpretation of illness in relation to a local
explanatory logic and the biographic context of the illness, to negotiate right action in the
face of uncertainty, and to justify actions taken, thus embedding the illness and therapeutic
efforts within local moral norms‖ (Ibid: 140-2).
50
Kleinman (1988b) argues that ―the study of the experience of illness has something
fundamental to teach each of us about the human condition‖ ([Kleinman 1988b: xiii] cited in
Ibid), and demonstrates how current practices in medicine have alienated the chronically ill
from their care providers and led practitioners to relinquish ―that aspect of the healer's art
that is most ancient, most powerful, and most existentially rewarding‖ (p. xiv) (Ibid).
Good (1994) discusses the ―virtual plot‖ which he says is when the story or rather the ―plot‖
is incomplete, not only because the illness is ongoing, but because the suffer/story teller is
continually trying to find out what is really happening, ―what the real story is, what story has
the potential to invoke a cure‖ (Ibid:145). The narrative being told from ―the blind
complexity of the present as it is experienced‖ ([Ricoeur 1981a: 278] cited in Ibid) is then
still actively engaged in what Good (1994) calls ―emplotting‖ the condition from which they
suffer and in seeking a plot which opens the way to the desired outcome they seek (Ibid:
146).
Disease as represented in biomedicine is localized in the body, in discrete sites or
physiological processes, whereas the narratives of those who are subjects of suffering
represent illness, by contrast, represent it as present in life (Ibid). Illness, in the emic
perspective, is grounded in human historicity, in the temporality of individuals and families
and communities (Ibid). It is present as potent memories and as desire (Ibid). It embodies
contradictions and multiplicity (Ibid: 157-8). It cannot be represented from a single vantage
but in Iser's (1978) words it is constituted, rather, as a
―network of perspectives... As the readers wandering viewpoint travels
between the segments, its constant switching during the time-flow of
reading intertwines them, thus bringing forth a network of
perspectives, within which each perspective opens up a view not only
of others but also of the intended imaginary object [1978: 197]‖ (Ibid).
Good (1994) goes on to assert that ―illness, present in imagination and experience, is
constituted with an openness to change and healing‖ (Ibid).
51
The Narrative Positioning of Suffering
The illness belongs not to the individual but to the whole family (Ibid: 160). This is very
evident in Claire's construction of the ontological source of her illness.
The Narrative Shaping of Illnesses
An obvious reason for the rejection of illness narratives as interpreted as fiction is that
―illness is all too real, and its attendant fears and misery ―cannot be wished away‖ (Ibid:
163). Any analogy of such experience to ―fiction‖ has the potential to devalue suffering and
misrepresent the very essence of the experience (Ibid). However, disease as embedded in life
can only be represented through a creative conceptual response (Ibid). Its ―thereness‖ in the
body must be rendered ―there‖ in life (Ibid). And this process, even more than the referential
or ―locutionary‖ processes of biomedical representation, requires an aesthetic response, an
active, synthetic process of constituting in an effort to grasp what is certainly there but is
indeterminable in form (Ibid).
19. Aesthetics, Rationality, and Medical Anthropology
Illness as an ―aesthetic object‖ refers to how we analyze the disjunction between disease as
an object (or condition of a physical body), as it is popularly (and medically) conceived, and
disease as a presence in a life or in a social world (Ibid: 166). The proclivity for naturalism
and biological reductionism is thus challenged. ―The aesthetic object is a particularly
complex and dynamic form of relationship [it is] a relationship which depends upon and yet
transcends performance and audience, reader and text, the material object and a reflexive,
sensuous response‖ (Ibid: 167). Thus Good (1994) asserts that
―any cross-cultural study thus faces the methodological and
theoretical challenge of investigating illness and healing with full
awareness of this multiplicity and with methods the synthesizing
activities by which disease is made an object of personal, social,
political, and medical significance‖ (Ibid).
52
For individual sufferers their acquaintance with their chronic illness involves a process which
Good (1994) describes as similar to that of the experience of a reader reading a text (Ibid:
170). He quotes Iser (1978) who argued that the characters of a literary or dramatic text and
imaginary worlds which they inhabit are not entirely fixed by the text but instead the partially
indeterminate text provokes the imagination of the reader and so the characters in the text are
―constituted through a complex relation among text, reader, and the
social and historical moment of each, at once dependent on and
transcending these. The synthesis is not a single, final act of the
reader, but an on-going process, joining memory and anticipation, a
process imaged by Iser as a ―moving viewpoint‖‖ (Ibid).
This is reiterated in Iser's (1978: 197) remarks which highlight that this form of ―knowing‖
requires a synthesis which transcends particularity:
―As the reader's wandering viewpoint travels between all these
segments, its constant switching during the time-flow of reading
intertwines them, thus bringing forth a network of
perspectives, within which each perspective opens up a view not
only of others but also of the intended imaginary object, of which it
only forms one aspect. The object itself is a product of
interconnections”” (Ibid [emphasis by Good (1994)]).
So Good infers that in becoming acquainted with a chronic illness, an individual's
understanding is informed form a variety of sources and held in a kind of narrative tension as
discussed by Iser (1978) above (Ibid). In this tension, then, no synthesis is ever complete
(Ibid).
The term ―heteroglossia‖, introduced by the Russian critic Mikhail Bakhtin and his analysis
of the dialogical quality of texts and their interpretation, serves to highlight that ―illness is
not only constituted in the ―wandering viewpoint‖ of the individual – the sufferer, a family
member, a care provider (Ibid). It is also multiply constituted in ways that are often
conflicting (Ibid). In this sense
―illness is essentially dialogical...Thus, while core symbols in a
medical lexicon may indeed condense or hold in tension a powerful
53
network of meanings, the process of synthesis is not only semiotic,
but social, dialogical, imaginative and political. And so too should be
our analyses‖ (Ibid: 173).
―The problem we face is not whether there is a correspondence between language and the
empirical world, but that there are too many correspondences‖ (Ibid:177) ―Meaning and
knowledge are always constituted in human experience, formulated and apprehended through
symbolic forms and distinctive interpretive practices‖ (Ibid)
―Symbolic practices and our technologies mediate knowledge. They
open worlds to exploration; they open to understanding aspects of
the natural world and world of human experience. And meaning and
knowledge are always constituted in relation to such worlds of
experience‖ (Ibid).
Therefore reality cannot be observed except from the point of view to which each of us has
been inescapably assigned in the universe (Ibid). ―That reality and this point of view are
correlative, and just as reality cannot be invented, so the point cannot be feigned either‖
(Ibid).
In conclusion, then, I am convinced, along with Good (1994),
―of the threat of the dominance of instrumental rationality [of
biomedicine] to human freedom and to our experience of the
meaningful, mythological, and transcendent dimensions of illness,
healing, and human existence‖ (Ibid: 181).
A Medical Anthropology which is formulated ―in the language of belief and rational
behavior [of formal or modern medical institutions] contributes...to the advancement of
―cognitive rationality‖ in matters of health and healing, and thus helps reproduce a narrow
vision of medicine as the domain of instrumental rationality‖ (Ibid). Therefore in making
―making explicit the narrative and moral dimensions of routine clinical practice,
investigating illness in the context of local moral worlds, and rethinking medicine's common-
sense epistemological claims‖ in the practice of Medical Anthropology is vital in any
―attempt to resist the encroachment of instrumental rationality into this domain of the
lifeworld‖ (Ibid: 181).
54
20. Soul Loss
This chapter will look at how this view of the experience of illness has been articulated
within through ethnographies concerning the phenomenon of ―Soul Loss‖ or ―Spirit Loss,‖
and anthropological explanations of the experience of illness.
―Soul Loss‖ or ―Spirit Loss‖ is a very interesting constitution of illness and the form of
healing associated with it, with regard to chronic fatigue in general and especially with
regards to Claire's story, is illuminating. Although I have already detailed, citing Good
(1994), that it is very difficult to translate the understanding of illnesses across cultures,
notwithstanding this, there are however remarkable similarities between the cases that I
explore in this chapter and the experiences that Claire has been through.
It is however necessary to understand that Claire is a University educated modern, western
person. For this reason the factors detailing what could contribute to so called 'soul loss' for
Claire are very different. I would however like to postulate that the experience of the
Cartesian Self, a virus called (Epstein Bar virus) glandular fever, very painful and difficult
relations with her mother, isolation, social anxiety, alienation anxiety linked to
objectification through the capitalist rationale and is related to the perceived material
reductionism of the medicalization discourse, and an internal logos of controlling behaviour
may all contribute to an 'existential fright' (Burkitt 1999: 141) which could cause in a
western sense a broken heart, or depression that all contribute to so called ―soul loss.‖
Before detailing the anthropological comparison's I would like to also offer an explanation
for the healing that Claire has experienced through Neo-shamanic work. This has included
breaking through the social barriers concerning the body, rituals, connecting to other people,
the environment, her own body (through breathwork etc.) as well as somatic experiences
(touch, smell, etc) which I believe correlate very well to Desjarleis's explanations of how the
soul is 'hooked' back into the body. From Good's (1994) view point it could be interpreted as
remaking Claire's lifeworld.
55
I will undertake a chronological look at this phenomenon so as to foreground why I believe
theories of embodiment are so important for my theoretical orientation with regards to
chronic fatigue. These theories will then be taken up later to expand the analytical
understanding of this illness as it is represented in Claire's story by introducing a rendering of
Connolly and Craig's (2002) insights from their article Stressed Embodiment: Doing
Phenomenology in the Wild and lastly Burkitt's (1999) relational embodiment theory as
outlined in his book, Bodies of Thought will be comprehensively examined.
Anthropological Explanations for Soul Loss
One of the pioneers in the study of the experience of illness was John Gillin, who by 1939
had already taken a psychological stance on the phenomenon of culture (Reina 1976:
82). He posited that culture ―existed in the minds of the individuals who compose …society‖
(Reina 1976: 82). Drawing on this theoretical model of culture he published the first
sustained account of a ritual healing ceremony for ―Soul Loss‖ as performed by the
Pokomam Indians in the highlands of Guatemala. His well known article ―Magical Fright,‖
first published in Psychiatry (1948) and reprinted in Lessa and Vogt's Reader in Comparative
Religion (1958, 1965), has played a foundational role for later work in ethnomedicine and
the anthropology of religion (Ibid).
In his ethnographic essay, ―Magical Fright,‖ Gillin dramatically presents a case to suggest
parallels between native treatment through a ritual healing ceremony and modern therapeutic
measures (Ibid). ―Magical Fright‖ (espantos or ―Soul Loss‖), he stated,
―exists in the thinkings of people and in the culture of the group
and produces elements which for all practical purposes are quite
real. A man‘s anxiety does not have to be based on the germ theory
of disease to make him ill,‖ he concludes in his original essay. This
straight forward approach to ultra-psychic processes and culture
was considered quite unique at the time‖ (Ibid).
The main point being made is that the subjective experience of traditional illnesses is shaped
both by the cultural background of individuals, and by the sociological features of the setting
where these individuals live.
56
Gillin‘s approach to the loss or theft of one's soul or ―Magical Fright,‖ which is said to
dislodge a victim‘s soul, was however still coached within an essentially functionalist
theoretical model. His explanation of the curative rite was that it was enacted to make certain
communal trouble - which was somatised (or embodied) in the body of the afflicted person -
public. Gillin's analysis therefore centred on the way relations between Indian and Ladino
[The Ladino population can for the purposes of this discussion be glossed as the descendants
of European settlers] populations were renegotiated by imagery articulated within the ―soul
loss‖ healing ritual (Lincoln 2001: 778).
In his ethnography he describes the ritual healing ―of an elderly woman [who‘s life] hung by
the proverbial thread‖ (Ibid). Through this example he ―attempts to demonstrate how the
sociocultural system created specific kinds of insecurity and disquiet, along with equally
specific mechanisms for their relief‖ (Ibid). This was premised upon
―a proverb he heard in San Luis that constituted fear as an index of
culture: Los temores que un hombre tenga hablan delpais de lo que
venga (the fears a man harbours speak of the country he comes
from)‖ (Ibid: 779).
The treatment of this malaise is carried out by a healer by practicing a gruelling night-long
ceremony along with other expeditions which enact the recovery of the lost soul (Ibid: 779).
It is the relations with their Ladino neighbours that Gillin emphasizes as source of the illness.
The soul stealing spirits, he recounts, are repeatedly marked as Ladinos (Ibid). Healing is
effected by the performance of rituals by the healer, along with the entire social network of
the afflicted person.
It is important to note that the healer inhabits an ambivalent space in the community. As
such, he deals with the spirits calmly and in his repertoire refers to them as compadres (i.e.
the god parents of one's children: a very important institution in the local cultural milieu) or
―virtual kin‖ (Ibid). It is through the healer‘s mediation and the collective performance of the
rituals that the soul of the afflicted individual is said to be returned and the cure effected.
57
Lincoln‘s (2001) critique of Gillin‘s account of soul loss among the Pokomam focuses upon
what he sees as an over determination of inter cultural conflict at the expense of intra cultural
conflicts. He states that:
―Gillin's portrait of the patient emphasizes her debilitating fear, her
extreme vulnerability, and her ultimate resilience. In this, he made
her a trope, more precisely a synecdoche, for the Pokomam
community and, what is more, to all subaltern populations who face
the loss of their land and, with it, their way of life, their dignity, self
confidence, sense of purpose, and their capacity (even desire) to
survive—in a word, the loss of their souls‖ (Ibid: 787).
Lincoln first criticises the way Gillin‘s account ―reflects the healer's perspective more than
that of the other Pokomam‖ (Ibid). In so doing he emphasises how the healer imaginatively
or ritually creates a space in which fears and anxieties attributed to the Other (i.e. the
Ladinos) can be negotiated and overcome and neglects the sometimes contrary sentiments of
the rest of the villagers (Ibid).
Lincoln (2001) here states that the
―faith in such processes [of ritual negotiation] demands a minimal
sentiment of affinity: an understanding that the Other is not innately
and incontrovertibly evil, but a being like oneself, with whom one
can establish meaningful dialogue and productive relations‖ (Ibid).
In doing so Gillen, in accordance with his functionalist orientation, does not
account for the substance of the phenomena and therefore fails to stress how ―the
demonic nature of these spirits normalizes the terror experienced by the Indian
population, who represented their Ladino Others as the very incarnation of evil‖
(Ibid: 788).
Theorising the soul loss primarily in terms of the Indian-Ladino cleavage, with relatively
little explicit attention to the specifics of gendered status of the afflicted person along with
the attendant intra cultural problems, is, in Lincoln‘s (2001) analysis, an omission which
makes Gillen‘s assessment of the ritual incomplete (and biased).
58
Gillen did however introduce a reading of the sick human body as ―site where social
pressures and tensions are experienced most acutely‖ (Ibid: 791). He also treated fear as a
social product and postulated that an analysis of this fear, as manifested through illness, can
broaden the understanding of ―contradictions and lacerations that divide a community‖
(Ibid). The body is also situated in the analysis as site of ―suffering and resistance for
embattled populations‖ (Ibid). Finally, Lincoln (2001) concludes, Gillin showed how through
the minute description of a single ritual performance the larger socio-cultural issues afflicting
the society can be explored through ethnographic research.
Robert Desjarleis's (1989;1992;1996) treatment of soul loss and the healing methods
employed focuses on the aesthetics of the act of divination performed by the shamans of the
Yolmo people, who live in the Nepalese Himalayas. Soul loss here is presented is such a way
so as to lay ―out the somatic, geographic, emotional, and social landscapes of pain through
which lost souls and healers travel in the universe of the Yolmo‖ (Aggarwal 1997: 497).
In Presence (1996), Desjarleis discusses ―spirit loss‖, ―a sensibility bound by loss, fatigue,
and listlessness,‖ and how the Yolmo Shamans heal and ―create a new ...vitality, presence
and attentiveness in those who are healed by their ministerings‖ (Desjareis 1996: 143). He
describes this 'spirit' which is lost as a ―spiritual force that courses through the entire body
and upon which rest other psychological functions (volition, motivation, energy)‖ (Ibid:
144). In the local idiom the understanding of what a spirit is, briefly stated, the ―heartmind –
[which is] the locus of personal knowledge, desire and imagination‖ (Ibid).
―Spirit Loss‖ is described as when the spirit is said to leave the body when frightened or
startled and then be carried by witches or ghosts to the ―land of the dead‖ (Ibid). A certain
―dullness‖ wells up in the ―heartmind‖, dimming the afflicted persons ―thoughts, memory,
and sense of alertness‖ (Ibid). ―Spirit Loss‖ is also an illness which manifests somatically
(i.e. in the body): for example with regard to the heart, the pulse slows and becomes irregular
―like a watch that is not ticking properly,‖ as one woman put it (Ibid). ―Spirit Loss‖ in short
is a loss of an aesthetic ―sense of presence‖ (Ibid).
59
The ritual act of healing employed by the Shaman, he says, ―changes how a body feels by
altering what it feels‖ (Ibid). This is achieved through a ―cacophony of music, taste, sight,
touch, and [a] kinesthic‖ activation of the senses (Ibid). Focusing on the sensate, the core
phenomena which are experienced in the healing is that ―bodies become ‗lighter,‘ heartminds
become ‗brighter,‘ and the sense of fatigue and listlessness that troubles a spiritless person is
‗cut‘ from the body‖ (Ibid: 149).
Explanations for the efficacy of the healing rite can be couched in various theoretical
orientations. From the intellectualist perspective, Desjarleis says, it could be attributed to the
faith or belief in the patients mind that this ritual can ameliorate the illness – this in turn is
premised on the efficacy of the ritual in previous instances (Ibid: 150). This follows
Malinsowki (1945) who stated that ―ritual acts are geared not to mean something, but to
enact something.‖ In other words, in this view, partaking in the ritual enacts the belief or
faith in the ‗cure‘ and makes it ‗real‘.
Similarly the symbolist position would explain the efficacy of the ritual by emphasising the
transformations in the worldview or symbolic categories of the afflicted patient (Ibid).
Desjarleis therefore says that according to this stance, the
―shaman …evokes symbols or metaphors that provide a tangible
―language‖ through which patients can express, understand, or
transform the personal or interpersonal conflicts underlying their
illness" (ibid).
Although both theoretical orientations go some way to explaining the structural logic of the
healing rite, they fail in explaining how or why the Yolmo shamans heal (Ibid). This is
because the structure of the Yolmo shaman‘s mythic narrative is less like
―a mythic narrative, progressing from one stage to another, than an
imagistic poem, evoking an array of tactile images which, through
their cumulative effect evoke a change of sensibility in the bodies of
its participants – a change, that is, in the lasting mood or disposition
that contribute to the sensory grounds of a person‘s existence‖
(Ibid).
60
Desjarleis argues that taking into to consideration the ―visceral impact‖ rather than the
―metaphorical structure‖ shifts the focus from Yolmo epistemologies of illness and healing,
which exist as abstract categories, to incorporate sensorial criteria and changes in how the
patient feels (Ibid).
The importance of stressing the visceral is stressed because, in the local parlance, it is the
through feeling that patients know themselves to be healed (Ibid). To this end Desjarleis
states that the
―healing transformations take place not within some cognitive
domain of the brain or heartmind, but within the visceral reaches of
the eyes, the ears, the skin, and the tongue. Indeed the feeling of
rejuvenation (rather than just its idea or symbolic expression) is
essential‖ (Ibid).
Desjarleis's research (which is presented in book length form in ―Body and Emotion:
The Aesthetics of Illness and Healing‖ (1992)) if viewed from the perspective of theories of
'embodiment', is about another kind of rehabilitation - the healing of anthropology itself
(Aggarwal 1997: 497). Viewed in this way,
―it is Desjarlais who is the medium, the hybrid interpreter who
straddles dual worlds, the diviner with "an accent on the
sensory" (p. 14) who journeys to Nepal and apprentices himself
to a local healer, the exorcist who drives out the demon theories
that afflict the anthropological order. What the author seeks to
recover is an embodied knowledge, an aesthetic of experience
that has, in his view, been ignored by generations of
anthropologists who privilege discursive, cognitive, symbolic,
or social forms of analysis‖ (Ibid).
The 'cure' that Desjarlais prescribes requires a "sensate treatment" where stories, sentiments,
and memories are conveyed through cartographic (i.e. geographical) images, where valuable
anthropological insights are obtained from the ethnographic encounter and the resulting
"tension between symbolic systems (how reality is defined, the body held or experience
articulated)" (Ibid).
61
In conclusion this brief survey of how ―soul loss,‖ and its amelioration, has been understood
by anthropologists, using the aforementioned examples, charts a course of theoretical
development in which the
―traditional analysis of the body as cultural artefact and
template of meaning ([other iconical examples would include
Mary] Douglas, 1966, 1970; [Victor] Turner, 1967) has been
remobilised within such contexts as postcoloniality, post-
modern discourse, gender theory and discourses of
medicalization‖ (Lester 2004: 414).
For the most part, however, 'embodiment' as conceptualised in these approaches, which
ranges from Gillin's 'psychological functionalism,' through the Structuralist, Semiotic to Post
Structuralist explanations, tend to replicate the Cartesian (Material vs. Symbolic)
distinctions, with the body presented either as an essential source of meaning ...[or] as an
object of cultural inscription‖ (Ibid: 515). In short, following Desjarleis 1996, it is now
important, theoretically, to aim at ―'rematerialis[ing]' the body while simultaneously
analyzing this process of materialisation itself as one of social construction within
relationships of power‖ (Ibid).
21. Illness conceived as the wild body
In Stressed Embodiment: Doing Phenomenology in the Wild Maureen Connolly and Tom
Craig (2002) seek to addresses a ―curiously taken-for-granted dimension of 'lifeworlds', that
is, the so- called undeniable 'givenness' of internal processes of ongoing concordance which
take bodies as primarily stable, healthy, productive entities in the world‖ (Connolly and
Craig 2002: 451). They examine the radical implications of what they call ―the politics of
sensory integration and ask what invisible structures are exposed when sensory integration is
not presumed from the outset‖ (Ibid: 451-2[emphasis in original). They argue that sensory
integration forms part of the pre-reflexive lifeworlds for normal and productive persons
(Ibid). Therefore by examining the experiences of these so-called wild bodies they expose
these taken for granted assumptions and constitutions which for healthy people are taken for
granted.
62
They use as their contexts of investigation ―the enigmatic lived experiences of Autism/PDD
and of the autoimmune disease referred to most widely today as Myalgic Encephalomyelitis
(ME/CFIDS/FM)‖ (Ibid). It is ―the lived experience of dys-integrated sensory
perception‖ they discuss because, as they say, they ―take seriously the role of the actually
embodied, involved, and pathic subject‖ (Ibid). They argue that the wild body transgresses
―the ongoing stases of ―ablist‖ and ―normalizing‖ boundary maintenance‖ (Ibid: 453).
In their outline they contend that Autism/PDD and adult-onset ruptures such as ME
―can manifest profound disruptions in sensory integration and
perceptual-motor functioning, especially executive
control/central processing challenges, amplified responses to
sensory input, and the dys-integration of sensory and
perceptual-motor functioning itself‖ (Ibid: 454).
They argue, through two examples which I will include below, that attempts to heal the
rupture experienced by Autism/PDD and M.E. sufferers are an ―ingenious (and somatically
honorable) ways of dwelling in these worlds of embodied discordance‖ (Ibid).
Example 1: Autism and Nudity
―Children and adults who live with autism/PDD may engage in what others perceive as
inappropriate nudity. Typical examples include going outside in cold weather wearing only
underwear or nothing at all, or removing clothing and pressing the naked body against a hard
or definitive surface, such as a wall or floor. Such behavior arises in response to a tactile
integration dysfunction around body image and object awareness problems related to bodily
boundaries – feeling the difference between self and not-self – and processing information
that comes from touch.
If we imagine that a person with autism/PDD does not sense his/her own body-self as distinct
from the world, then ―getting a feel‖ for the body-in-the-world by presenting the skin (as a
boundary) to an intense sensation such as cold air or a hard surface can be seen as an
ingenious experiment in sensory awareness. Such encounters with the world can then be seen
to ―ground‖ the body-subject as an individual contained and distinct from the world rather
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than a porous entity through which sensations of the world flow indiscriminately (as if the
person were not there, i.e., amorphous or absent).
Example 2: ME and Odours
Connolly and Craig (2002) describe a person living with ME as inhabiting a body which is
―profoundly [and] intensely susceptible to sensory input that manifests itself across several
continua of discomfort and affect‖ (Ibid). For some ME sufferers, scents (perfumes, after-
shave, etc.) or chemicals etc. can be ―experienced as substantive invasions of the body‖
(Ibid). These ―bodily responses‖ can be so invasive so as to cause can be ―nausea, dizziness,
disorientation, headache, severe eye irritation, breathing difficulties, or otherwise
unexplained body aches, to name a few‖ (Ibid).
These sensory reactions have social ramifications upon individuals with ME. When they are
in public spaces, for example:
―that person faces competing bodily tolerable and culturally
acceptable choices – to move away quickly and abruptly or stay
and become increasingly ill/nauseous/congested while directing
the requisite mass of energy to attempting to endure – in the
moment – this sensory onslaught‖(Ibid).
Such overwhelming susceptibility to ―normal‖ sensory input, as can be imagined, has
significant consequences because the lived relation with others, objects, and places (their
lifeworld) is drastically unsettled (Ibid).
Connolly and Craig (2002) set out their manifesto on what research into the lived worlds of
discordant bodies in terms of ―lived textures of stressed embodiment as manifest in the over-
aroused nervous systems of persons with Autism and ME‖ reveals about ―the social world of
the stable, healthy, and productive body taken for granted in so many of our own – largely
normalized – cultural expectations‖ (Ibid).
This research then suggests offers an emic view in that ―pain, gesture, gait, posture,
sensation, and perception are bodily modes which are expected to be managed in socially
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appropriate ways if the social and political agendas of stability and productivity are to be
maintained‖ (Ibid).
22. Introduction to Burkitt’s (1999) Relational Theory of
Embodiment
The metaphor of the productive body is especially useful for the purposes of understanding
the issues that this research exposes about the experience of living with (and to some extent
through) chronic fatigue illness. This is a term advocated by Ian Burkitt (1999) in his book
entitled Bodies of Thought: Embodiment, Identity and Modernity and is meant to present the
corporeal presence as both ―trapped within relations of power but [also] as possessing the
capacities to change them‖ Burkitt 1999: 3). I was initially very interest in the notions of the
―wild body‖ (Connolly and Craig 2002: 451) because it unsettles the taken for granted norms
applied to healthy and productive bodies (compared to which illness is a pathology) which
the experience of a chronic fatigue sufferer aptly represents in the frustration of not being
able to control the body so as to 'fit in' to the norms and standards dictated by so-called
modern society.
The wild body also introduces the ―notion of the pre-social, irrational, emotional body that
must be contained and disciplined by a rational and orderly society‖ (Burkitt 1999: 3).
Burkitt's (1999) insightful theoretical proclamations on embodiment, by focusing on
relations, however encourage a view which is transcendent of the Cartesian paradigm which
juxtaposes 'Nature' and 'Society.' He therefore sees (as will be elaborated on in due course) a
reading of the body and emotions ―as having pattern and form because they are part of social
relations‖ (Ibid).
The so-called wild body, then, which seems to have a will of its own and does not conform to
the norms of 'modernity', can be seen as being re-formed by these relations in an
intersubjective fashion (Ibid). The so-called wildness of the body can then be repositioned as
the subject not conforming to the prevailing relations of power in society – in this case the
body (and its habitants) may appear opposed to the (perceived) social order but not
necessarily as therefore part of 'nature' (Ibid).
65
Burkitt's (1999) productive body therefore does not have to take the view that this non-
conforming body is irrational or pre-social (Ibid). His thesis sets up a ―clash‖ between the
powerful and dominant social forces and the body, which is formed over longer time scales
than contemporary society, in which society does not always win (Ibid). This opens up a
space for the so-called 'wild body' to be 'productive' for the individual (in terms of a spiritual
path opening up as is common in the shamanic tradition when illness is a form of calling),
but not necessarily the society at large.
This is an interesting vantage for the analysis of the experience of chronic fatigue in Claire's
instance because in her search for healing and meaning she came to see her illness in a
spiritual fashion. Through the process work of Arnold Mindell, writings on eco-psychology,
like Derrick Jensen, she was lead toward a Neo-Shamanic way of dealing with the chronic
dissociation of self. She attended two Neo-Shamanic workshops which focused on
'connection'. That is connection to the environment, to the self, to spirituality and ultimately
to a healing path, the meaning of the illness and a community of fellow 'travelers'. Although I
cannot elaborate on this at this juncture, the theoretical insights that introduce below are, I
believe, very insightful for conceptualizing and contextualizing this overall process of living
and transcending chronic fatigue. What I intend by a thorough examination of this theory and
the following discussion is the not only expose the so-called norms common to western
modernity but also to trace their historical origins.
This is important because later I will attempt to use this discussion to frame the ethnography
and suggest that this particular response to the illness, as experienced by Claire, is directly
related to these issues in that her the healing methods used are attempts to counter hegemonic
threats to ontological anxiety, made worse by illness, but, common to Gidden's (1991) so-
called late modernity.
23. Cartesianism as a 'Lifeworld.'
The theory of the Cartesian dualism is so ingrained in Western thought that many
individuals, including (I believe) Claire, have grown accustomed to a way of understanding
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themselves as ―which divides their existence between mind and the body‖ (Ibid). This is
particularly so in the cognitivism which so popular in psychology, and to which Claire has
spent the last eight years attending psychotherapy at least two time per week 'religiously'
(Ibid: 7).
By refocusing the study away from the mind as a static entity, as it exists as such, and instead
focusing upon ―social relations, activity and human embodiment‖ the mind can be seen as
existing in the world instead as a disembodied entity as it does in the Cartesian paradigm
(Ibid). Similarly to undermine the biological reductionism, inherent in (most) western
thought, of the 'body as a machine' metaphor which limits the operations of the body to fixed
biological processes; the body is reconceived ―as a social and natural construction, as a
malleable organism which is open to re-formation through its location within networks of
historically variable social relations‖ (Ibid). This foregrounds the notion of the body as being
activated by social relations ―because it is brought into being and mobilized by its
positioning in the interweaving networks of human interdependence‖ (Ibid).
The body is therefore not merely affected by social relations ―but forms the basis for and
enters into the construction of social relations‖ ([Shilling 1993: 199] cited in Ibid). It follows
from this understanding that human attributes are neither natural (as biological reductionists
would have it) nor social (as constructionists would argue) – they are, although decisively
influenced by social relations, socio-natural because the body (in a material sense) is integral
to the construction of social relations (Ibid). Burkitt (1999) goes on to suggest that the
diversity of bodily dispositions and capacities (both intra and inter culturally) is due to the
fragmentary and disparate nature of human relations and the varied influence of social
relations upon individual subjects (Ibid).
Burkitt (1999), unlike most other critics of Cartesianism, develops a new explanatory model
with his ―notions of the productive, communicative, powerful and thinking body‖ as
metaphors to enable the presentation of our ―corporeal presence as not just trapped and
constrained within social relations, but as possessing the capacities to change such relations
and also to transform different aspect of the physical world‖ (Ibid). This transformation of
the physical or material world is achieved through the creation of artifacts which can be
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understood as ―prosthetic extensions of the body‖ because they are used to ―rework the
conditions of our existence‖ (Ibid).
Therefore he rejects the Cartesian legacy which has produced the conception of two
different realms of substances (mind and matter), replacing this with the notion of ―one,
complex reality‖ which conjoins thoughtful activity to the ―social and material contexts in
which activity takes place, including the means by which such activity is accomplished‖
(Ibid). This complex reality he argues ―includes the symbolic dimension..., but is irreducible
to the other dimensions of space and time‖ (Ibid).
The Cartesian dualism is however a distinct 'lifeworld' which is largely lived by individuals
in the western world as a historical experience of being divided between mind and body
(Ibid: 8). This much is evident from the interviews with Claire as well as the extracts from
her diary, yet it is also evident that in the search for meaning and a resolution to her suffering
that she has been trying to reconstitute this 'lifeworld' by healing this division (which at this
stage can be glossed as an effort to make herself whole or integrating her 'mind' with 'body').
Pursuing the Mind Body Connection:
A gloss of the Cartesian theory is that ―who we are" is not associated with our bodies, but
with our thought processes‖ (Ibid). In modernity then a person considered ―brain dead,‖ that
is if they can no longer think of their own existence, act or exercise free will – they are
considered dead (Ibid: 9). However by pursuing the mind body connection ―we find that
being embodied and located in the extended world of time and space is not only a necessary
precondition for thought, it is, rather, it‘s very basis‖ (Ibid).
The Cartesian theory is premised by beginning ―with the smallest indivisible entity and to
build, through reason, one's knowledge of larger complexes by working up to a picture of the
whole as constituted by its individual parts‖ (Ibid: 11). ―Such objects are ontologically prior
to the whole, which in turn can only be understood as a sum of their parts‖ (Ibid). Here we
can see how this is a mechanical metaphor for all material objects and their interrelationships
(Ibid).
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Burkitt's (1999) model however begins at a systemic level, that is, ―with relationships
between bodies and individuals within and ecosystem‖ (Ibid [emphasis added).
―Furthermore,[he adds,] time and space is not to be conceived of as externally given and
absolute, but is itself immanent in the socio-natural system and, as such, is variable and
multi- layered‖ (Ibid). This is because the point of departure is the system [Bateson's (1973)
―Steps to an Ecology of the Mind‖ and Einstein's notion of the space-time continuum for me
aptly demonstrate how different levels of systems entail very different conceptions of 'time'
and 'space.'].
The Cartesian dualism is, however, correct in asserting that the self or person does not reside
entirely within the body and cannot be identified with any of its parts. But in setting up a
dualism between the mind and the body Cartesianism does not recognize that active sensate
bodies located in a particular time and space, and in relation to persons and things, is a
precondition for what we call 'mind' (Ibid). I therefore rather, for these purposes, conceive
the 'mind' in a systemic fashion, as Burkitt (1999) suggests, that is, as ―an effect of bodily
action in the world and of becoming a person from the recognition of one's position in a
diverse network of social relations‖ (Ibid). In this view, then, it is not individuals or things
that are pre-given in the form of identity because the view espoused here is fundamentally
different because, as Levims and Lewontin (1985) have argued,
―human individuals (embodied persons) become identified within
multiple relations in which they are located and which, as agents, they
change through their mutual relationships meaning that these are
properties of things that we call dialectical: that one thing cannot exist
without the other, that one acquires its properties from its relation to the
other, that the properties of both evolve as a consequence of their
interpenetration‖ ([Levims and Lewontin 1985: 3] cited in Ibid).
Therefore in this view the heterogeneity is assumed from the beginning (and at every level of
abstraction) and the whole system is therefore heterogeneous making it difficult to draw
boundaries between identities developing within this system of interrelationships (Ibid).
Analytically persons hold, and negotiate, multiple identities and these identities 'leak' into
each other and make it impossible to draw fixed boundaries around the so-called self (Ibid:
12-3). Thus Burkitt (1999) argues that
69
―without the notion of fixed and given individuals with which
we can begin an inquiry in absolute certainty, we must focus on
the series of interrelated systems in which parts make wholes
and wholes make parts, and neither can be seen as having
ontological priority‖ (Ibid: 13).
An Ecological View has Drastic Implications for Time and Space:
It is most interesting that at this point that Burkitt (1999) says that this has ―drastic
implications for Descarte's view of time and space as given, unchanging dimensions‖ (Ibid)
in that ―there are multiple spaces of times (and space-times) implicated in different physical,
biological and social processes‖ ([Harvey 1993: 31] cited in Ibid). These processes, then, all
produce their own forms of time and space because these processes do not ―operate in but
actively construct space and time and in so doing distinctive scales for their development‖
(Ibid [emphasis in original). Pre-given entities as the basic units of analysis therefore cannot
exist because the constitution of scales of space and time in one particular ecological niche
are dependent upon the relations within it, and will vary according to ecosystems of [a]
different scale (Ibid).
Burkitt (1999) compels a rendering of the 'thinking body' as ―acting in different dimensions
of time and space‖ which is important for ―any consideration of contemporary societies
because, as Giddens (1990, 1991) illustrates, so called 'late modernity' disembeds humans
from the traditional experiences of space and time, reconstituting them at the global and local
levels‖ (Ibid). The mind is then in this view ―is only present in the various socio-natural
systems and space-time contexts inhabited by humans‖ (Ibid).
Reconceptualizing the Mind:
Following Foucault's (1982) reading that the basic coordinates or relations of human life
delineate into ―relations of communication, relations of power and relations that transform
the real‖ (Ibid: 14). The human body is then located
―within these relations and draws its various powers and
capacities from them – it‘s varying degrees of ability to transform
the environment, its skills of communication and the power to
70
affect the actions of others and to determine its own field of
activity. From this positioning of the body in relations there is
also created the identity of the person, along with his or her
abilities and capacities, knowledge and beliefs, none of which can
be separated from the creation of 'mind' (Ibid: 14-5).
The mind is therefore ―reconceptualised as an emergent effect of a body active within social,
historical and biological dimensions of space and time‖ (Ibid). This necessitates a conception
of historical time as multi-leveled in which (for analytical purposes) ―biohistory represents
the time of longest duration, while socio-historical relations and practices is equivalent to
intermediate time, and everyday life is of the same order as micro-history (Ibid). The concept
of biohistory illustrates the duality of human nature because the body is open to re-formation
at the point where biohistory and social history meet; it has adaptive capacities with regard to
social conditions but only within naturally imposed limits (Ibid).
24. Emergence of the Cartesian Self Following Foucault and Ellias the experience of Cartesian dualism (the notion of humans as
divided between body and mind, thought and emotion) can be understood here as having its
origin in the changes in power relations in the structure of society during the seventeenth
century in Europe (Ibid: 18). While Foucault has dealt with social forms of political control
of the body and importance of the notion of the machine metaphor in this, Elias has
commented on the emergence of the Cartesian experience and its implications of self-
regulation (Ibid).
For Elias this experience is framed by the ―decline in the authority of the church and the
waning of the religious understanding of the world, corresponding with the rise of secular
authorities and styles of knowledge‖ (Ibid). The loss of the religious authorities‘ ability to
―interpret [a] sensate experience‖ of the world for individual led a new interpretation of the
senses through the power of reason – as can be seen for Descartes (Ibid). This transition from
an authoritarian to an autonomous mode of perception of the bodily senses and emotions as
―objects that were to be scrutinized, categorized, regulated, controlled and tested by doubt
...are the origins of the experience in which the body becomes the object of a mind that is felt
to be separate from it‖ (Ibid).
71
Thought therefore becomes regarded as like a 'thing', an intangible organ separated from the
other organs of the body ―setting up an invisible barrier between ourselves and others‖ in
which intensification of control of impulses and emotions in social situation leads to an
intensification of the feeling of the self as trapped in a bodily shell‖ (Ibid). These defense
mechanisms, described by Reich (1950) as bodily armour, are ―felt to be a 'presented self' or
a 'false self', displayed to others yet hiding the 'real' 'I' inside‖ (Ibid).
It is then the changing in the mode of social relations in which increased self-restraint is
imposed upon feelings that have led to an increased sense of isolation and alienation (Ibid).
So this 'lifeworld' is partly self imposed but not however always present within everyday life
because
―we are located in everyday relations as embodied beings, with
connections to other people, and with our own experiences
which cannot be neatly compartmentalized ...and when
we realize our relations to the others with whom we are
interdependent, then something of this experience cuts across
the forces of dualism‖ (Ibid: 20 [emphasis in original).
Therefore, seen dialectically, the body is not only ―constrained by relations of power, but
finds within them spaces of resistance in which it can formulate, with others in a similar
position, its own personal viewpoint on the forms of government [or hegemonic powers] that
seek to shape it‖ (Ibid). Thus understanding the body and its experience as multi-dimensional
opens up a space for people jointly to create alternative forms of understanding (Ibid:
21). This is because the symbolic is not the only dimension, in which experience is
constituted, and there are many spatial and temporal points in which relations of
communication are conducted (Ibid)
Therefore thinking of five dimensions of experience: the three dimensions of space (breadth,
depth and height), time and the symbolic (which includes language and other signs), allows
us to ―think of the different dimensions of human life which are distinct and cannot be
reduced to each other, yet at the same time cannot in any way be separated‖ (Ibid). Two
examples can illustrate this: a hologram incorporates three dimensions of space but the
location of the ending or merging of one dimension is impossible to determine – similarly
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Einstein demonstrated how space and time are inextricably linked (even though they are
experienced as distinct) (Ibid).
The Artifact2
A conception of 'memes' or artifacts, in terms of human evolution, refocuses the analysis
natural selection towards the transmission of information, in which humans ―were gaining
proficiency at extrasomatic transmission of information‖ (Ibid: 32). Meme's should be
considered as artifacts because they extend the capacities of the body and they are therefore
used to transform ―the environment and the actions of others through their employment in
relations that transform the real and in the relations of communication‖ (Ibid: 33). ―This is
not a question of 'memes' leaping form brain to brain, but of artifacts employed in the multi-
leveled relations of humans and their ecological niches‖ (Ibid). The concept of transmission
and the artifact extends the vision of the active rather than the passive subject because it
―means we can change some aspect of the world by working on it, or we can change the
behavior of another person by communicating with them (Ibid).
Hence there arises the two forms of power that Foucault talked of: the power exerted over
things and that which is exerted by individuals or groups upon one another (Ibid). Central to
both of these is the artifact (Ibid). The term 'artifact' refers to a created object in which
human activity is embodied because it has been fashioned for some use within human
practices (Ibid: 35). ―Our way of being-in-the-world, of acting, knowing and thinking, is
largely dependent on artifacts and how they re-form embodiment‖ (Ibid: 36). ―They are not
dumb objects like those found in the natural world; they speak to us and take on significance
because we see reflected in them our own activity and strivings... social meaning [is]
embedded in them and they invite not only use but interpretation‖ (Ibid).
―Words are also artifacts because they are physical entities which have human activity
embodied in them, thus having meaning due to their use in social practice‖ (Ibid). ―Even
those objects not created by humans are given a meaning, so that we no longer live in a
2 Note in UK English, artefact and artifact are interchangeable.
73
purely physical environment, but one saturated with meaning in which people can recognize
their humanity, purposes and needs in even the most inert, non-human objects‖ (Ibid).
―We do perceive elements of the socio-natural world in it‘s various times and spaces, but the
artifact 'diffracts' (Harraway 1991) them so they are never perceived directly‖ (Ibid). The
artifactual dimension, with its meaning-giving properties, is ―always fundamental to
conscious perception, blending with the reality it diffracts‖ (Ibid: 37).
The sensuous mind:
This multi-dimensional perspective allows movement past the pitfalls of discursive social
constructionism which only conceives of knowledge as lingocentric. This style of social
constructionism
―preserves the Cartesian doubt and an element of dualism, for while it has
transcended Descartes‘ individualism, it keeps intact radical doubt about
the relation of knowing and thinking to any 'objective' world. Physical
reality is either bracketed out as unknowable (Edwards et al. 1995) or a
split is effected between the physical and the social‖ (Ibid).
Leontyev (1981) ―believes that what we call the mind – defined more precisely as thinking
and consciousness – is a property of matter in motion, of activity and the increasing
complexity in the many relations composing life (Ibid). ―In the active interrelation of
organism and environment, all life forms develop a 'sensitivity' to the ecology which orients
their activities within it‖ (Ibid: 37). Therefore the mind evolves from bodily sensation. ―Body
and mind are united at the very point of origin‖ (Ibid).
Because in human consciousness the process is governed by social laws rather than the
purely natural relation between organism and environment, ―consciousness, then, is a
product of these social relations and the artifacts that mediate them‖ (Ibid). However,
conscious thought always retains a sensory basis, even though sensation no longer defines
the entire experience of conscious thinking (Ibid). In this formulation, then, ―conscious
perception of an object reflects not only its material physicality, its form, color, mass or
material composition, but, also its meaning and function – a book, a table or food...Human
consciousness is, for Leontyev (1981), multidimensional‖ (Ibid).
74
The Body as Object: from the Grotesque to the Closed Body
In the Western world the way that individuals have experienced their embodied selves has
changed drastically in recent history. Since the 17th century westerners have begun to feel
that they are living in a dual existence in which the ―self is essentially disembodied and the
self caste into a shadowy and troublesome existence‖ (Ibid: 45).
Foucault analyzed this as the extension of bio-power, ―which is a form of power exerted over
the population and over the bodies of individuals, disciplining them and regulating them, and
turning them into rational and calculating machines‖ (Ibid). Bio-power brings life into the
―field of political calculation and manipulation‖ so that a bio-politics of the population
develops in which politics now begins to ―intervene in the very reproduction and regulation
of life itself‖ (Ibid). This view needs supplementing and Burkitt (1999) introduces the notion
of the medieval, 'grotesque body', and how it ―became transmuted into the disciplined and
concealed modern body‖ (Ibid).
Drawing on Bakhtin's (1984) reading of Rabelais (c.1494-1553) language and imagery
depicting the unofficial language of the people, Burkitt (1999) argues that the 'grotesque
realism' of markets and carnivals of that time imagined the body in an exaggerated form and
―can be linked to the festive world of giants, monsters, dwarfs and fools‖ (Ibid: 46). In this
time then a
―...direct and unmediated sensuous involvement with the world
[was still available to people in certain occasions -] …where the
boundaries between the inside and outside of the body, and the
dividing line between the individual and the collective, were not
drawn as sharply as they are drawn today.‖ (Ibid)
This was most evident during the ―strictly delimited time of the carnival‖ which allowed a
real and present experience of the sensuous body to be part of life (Ibid). Carnivals were
about participation, not an event to be watched. Furthermore it temporarily turned the world
on its head and mocked the upper classes and were linked to the natural cycles the
environment which allowed people to enter into a ―utopian realm of unbroken continuity
with their ancestors, and experience feelings of community, freedom, equality and
75
abundance‖ (Ibid). ―In this 'grotesque realism', the image of the body is a positive one; like
the carnival itself, the body is not seen as a private possession, but a universal, lived
phenomenon, represented in everyone‖ (Ibid).
In the grotesque image of the body, emphasis is placed on orifices and protuberances,
especially in the lower bodily strata – bowels, buttocks and genitals – which are linked to the
earth and its reproductive power‖ (Ibid). ―Grotesque bodies are not closed, but are open to
the world, and emphasis is placed on the body parts that stretch out into it, such as the nose,
pot belly, phallus, breasts, and those open to it, such as the mouth, genitals and anus, all of
which connect us to the earth and to other people‖ (Ibid).
During the early Renaissance then the body could be ambiguous ―reflecting at one and the
same time life and death, youth and age, reproduction and degeneration‖ (Ibid). In modern
society ―the emphasis on lower bodily strata, the images of excrement and birth, of fertilizing
and generating, appear vulgar or coarse and the complex meaning within them are lost‖
(Ibid). The images of bringing someone down to earth such as ―I shit on you‖ (Bakhtin 1984:
148) are ―linked to the carnivalesque aims of leveling and reducing the social
hierarchy...Curses always indicated a downward motion‖ (Ibid).
The carnivalesque because it constituted in its own time is linked to generating a new social
order (Ibid). When it is over social life continues but has been invigorated (Ibid). The main
functions of the carnival ―are to connect people to the collective and to the earth..., as well as
dispel fears through collective laughter‖ (Ibid). ―Food and wine, then, are seen in
philosophical terms as having their own truth, which is a tendency to superabundance,
victory and merriment, opposing the serious world of fear and oppression‖ (Ibid).
As the Renaissance progressed the body ―began to acquire a private, individual nature, one
that was closed off to the world and complete within itself (Ibid). Thus, rather than the open
and unfinished body, accent was placed on its sealed and finished nature... [here] attention
shifts ...to [the body's] closures – its skin, smooth surfaces, musculature and, in particular, to
the face and the eyes‖ (Ibid: 48). ―Sexual life, giving birth, death, eating and drinking turned
into private acts and lost their public, symbolic content‖ (Ibid). In this they became bodily
76
functions and ―the by-products of the bodily machine, and as such lost their meaningful place
in the cycles and rituals of public life‖ (Ibid).
The new body was the private, greedy body of bourgeois society, ―whose aim was not so
much to be satiated and satisfied, as to hide away, sequester and guiltily indulge‖ (Ibid). One
could say that this body no longer aimed to satisfy need, but followed the dictates of the law
of desire (Ibid). Sex, urination and defecation were also bodily acts consigned to specific
private areas – chambers or rooms – and regarded as functions one did not speak of in polite
society‖ (Ibid). The grotesque still lives to a degree in popular culture and comedy theatre
but the emphasis is upon private consumption and it has ―lost its rambunctious and
threatening element of full public participation‖ (Ibid).
The Romanticism of the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries can be seen as an attempt to
revive the grotesque genre but with a radically transformed meaning - ―it became the
expression of a subjective, individualistic world outlook‖ (Ibid). It was a backlash against the
classicism of the Enlightenment and the rational disembodied beings of Cartesianism (Ibid:
49). ―Romanticism created its own figure of the 'interior man', who is deep, complex and has
inexhaustible internal resources...[and] now the elements of the grotesque are reflected in an
inner life rather than a public one (Ibid). Here we find ―Romanticism's contribution to
modernity, in the view of humans with hidden and unfathomable inner depths, like the
unconscious 'inner universe' investigated by Freud‖ (Ibid).
Romanticism faded by the late 19th
century and the overwhelming influence upon the modern
perspective has been the classical cannon of the enlightenment in which the ―closed and
rational Cartesian body is ...severed from its sensuous connects with the world and its
collective associations with other beings. ―Alone and in perpetual doubt of sensate
experience and the uncertainty of any knowledge, the self is plagued with that ontological
insecurity so redolent of modernity (Giddens, 1990, 1991)‖ (Ibid). ―The person of
rationalism and classicism is firmly encased in his or her closed bodily shell, alone with his
or her doubt, uncertainty and fear. This is not to say that all of human life has at its base these
existential fears and dreads, but that they have become a chronic condition for modern
humans in the West‖ (Ibid).
77
Accompanying these changes was a change in the perception of time from carnival time,
which was cyclical, to an experience of time which emerged towards the end of the
Renaissance, which was linear (Ibid). While an awareness of history and historical change
emerged at this time, it also ―severed the cyclical linkage of death and birth, of decline and
renewal‖ so integral in cyclical carnival time (Ibid).
Thus in the new ―linear frame of time, death is antithetical to life, marking its ending rather
than its renewal‖ (Ibid: 50). Death no longer marks the point when the individual is taken
back into the ―body of the ancestral people; rather, death is the annihilation of their being‖
(Ibid). The medieval hierarchical order of the Universe was dismantled ―and its elements
were transferred to a single, linear plane‖ (Ibid). Therefore the spatial-temporal emphasis
was transferred from the 'higher and lower' to the 'forwards and backwards' and death is
conceptualized and an individual phenomenon.
The Civilised, Armoured Body
During the Renaissance the civilising restraints that where placed upon the body were largely
emotional ones ―aimed at the more basic responses to other people and their actions‖ (Ibid).
The notion of curbing volatile emotions originated in aristocratic society and the notion of
'civilized' or polite society emphasized thinking before expressing feelings and that ―one
always had to be sensitive to the effects of an action or expression upon another person‖
(Ibid). Burkitt (1999) stresses that this ―is not simply a suppression of emotion; rather, it is
more of a deferral and differentiation of feelings‖ (Ibid). This means that emotions of the
Middle Ages were less nuanced and more polar with ―little scope for ambivalence in them‖
(Ibid).
―This increased differentiation increased with the modulation of
emotional control, which worked at the level of the body in two
ways‖ (Ibid). Firstly, due to the ―finer modulation of emotion‖,
people had to be constantly conscious of their bodily gestures
and facial expressions so as not to offend others sensibilities‖
(Ibid).
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Elias (1978) argues that here we find the emergence of the psychological attitude within
people which is due to the necessity to gauge the 'inner' feelings of others through responses
veiled in sentiments of politeness or demure (Ibid: 50-1). ―Emotions therefore become
psychologised and move to an 'inner' plane‖ (Ibid). Instead of remaining part of the
responsive aspects of peoples' interactions, they become something to be felt but not always
to be shown (Ibid). Secondly, there is also increased control over the bodily functions, such
as spitting, farting, sex acts, urination etc. which are confined to private spaces (Ibid). The
emerging norms of conduct extend to birth and death, and demand that ―individuals should
not give off any signs of their bodily needs in case this might offend others‖ leading to the
creation of private and public spaces, ―which corresponded to a psychological topography of
the conscious and the unconscious, the admitted and the hidden‖ (Ibid).
The closing of the human body, according to Bakhtin, occurred around the height of the
Renaissance period and was expressed, for example, in the formalizing of table manners
where ―suddenly, people become more sensitive to the exchange of bodily fluids which
raises fears of contamination‖ (Ibid). Thus taboos placed around bodies and the substances
that pass between them are seen as a closing or armoring of the body (Ibid). The rise of
seeing people in psychological fashion is also evident in the increased focus upon eyes and
faces, while simultaneously the body itself is more elaborately clothed and decorated
(concealed) and ―becomes a danger zone‖ (Ibid).
The sexualization of the body is due to nakedness being less commonplace resulting in ―the
body [becoming] the subject ...of a greater erotic investment as an object of fantasy and
wishfulfilment‖ (Ibid). This correlates with focus on the more distant senses of sight and
hearing and a decrease in the importance of smell, touch and taste, which are associated with
closer contact (Ibid). ―Because psychological understanding is linked closely to the
psychological understanding of others, vision came under the control of cognitive
apprehension (Mellor and Shilling, 1997)‖ (Ibid).
Therefore because as the body becomes more closed there is an increase in the fineness and
differentiation of feelings, there is also an intensification of bodily experience (Ibid). Burkitt
(1999) argues that this ―creation of inner longings and desires... become[s] the basis for the
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Romantic movement in the arts and the object for psychoanalysis in the sciences‖ (Ibid).
However intensified these emotions are concealed and private and the ―barriers of reserve
and restraint on feelings become a body armor, frozen into movements, gestures, posture and
musculature (Ibid). This intensifies the body's surface only at the cost of petrifying it in terms
of spontaneous expression (Ibid). ―The body becomes more a communicative body rather
than an assimilative one (Falk, 1994; O'Neill 1985), a signifying surface that both expresses
and yet conceals‖ (Ibid). The court society is a place of masks that hide as much as they
show (Ibid).
Although the body becomes more intensified in terms of experience, ―this occurs only
through it becoming an 'object' of the mind, viewed at a relative distance‖ (Ibid). Therefore
not only are the bodies of others the objects for psychological observation, but so is our own
(Ibid). The act of thinking became ―crystallized into the idea of 'intelligence', 'reason' or
'spirit' which was now somehow distinct from the rest of the body‖ (Ibid). Therefore
―the relation between mind and body, thought and emotion,
became conceived in spatial terms. Moreover, the mind was
seen as trapped inside the body because of the increased barriers
of restraint between people and the doubt about the actual
existence of things beyond their comprehension in reason‖
(Ibid).
Humans felt that they were looking out on the world from inside a casing, or at worst a
prison. Elias (1999a:13) refers to the metaphor of 'thinking statues', ―each one standing in
isolation and silent, inanimate in contemplation of the 'external' world with which we feel we
have lost direct contact (Ibid). Thinking itself is now experienced in a new way, as something
solitary, still and silent (Ibid). This distant and inanimate way of thinking comes to dominate
other bodily forms of knowing (other than thinking itself) which involve all the human
senses - ―of communication and dialogue, action and movement, touch, sight, sound and
smell‖ (Ibid). It is
―visual perception and its links to a form of cognitive
apprehension – which is to say, purely 'mental' as opposed to
sensual – that take precedence. The outwardly projection of
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persona then becomes like a shell or a wall that stands between us
and all that is beyond our bodily limits (Barker 1995)‖ (Ibid).
So by the start of the eighteenth century in Europe this experience is entrenched in the court
and bourgeoisie (Ibid). It spreads via 'civilized' forms of manners and other norms started in
the court into the 'lower' via bourgeois educators and administrators, and the teachings of the
church (Ibid).
Today the experience of the grotesque body has long since disappeared and is only
―approached through the depths of inner experience, which is a legacy of Romanticism‖...
which has not been able to ―dispel the Cartesian understanding of the body as a closed
machine, so that the life of humans has largely moved 'inward' to a psychic plane, creating
the deep subjectivity that we experience as a private possession, removed and distanced from
others‖ (Ibid). Social life is regulated and emotion and fantasy is deepened.
As Mead (1964) said, emotion is delayed impulse, and the inner - delaying agency is the
conscience or superego. This inner psychic censor is nothing more than the internalized
social norms that govern and regulate social relations, so that, in contemporary life, conflict
is also internalized and expressed as the battle between conscience and temptation (Barker
19995: 43)‖ (Ibid). These norms as has been shown stem from social changes taking place
during the period of the Renaissance (Ibid).
State Formation, Ideological and Normative Control: a Divided World
All of the aforementioned changes in the social formations, which caused the 'closing' and
'armoring' the body, were ―dependent on wider social changes, which many commentators
agree is related to the centralization of the state during the Renaissance and its
monopolization of the means of violence (Bakhtin 1984; Barker 1995; Elias 1978, 1982)‖
(Ibid: 53). This monopolization meant that ―many spaces of everyday life within society
became pacified‖ (Ibid). People no longer able to resort to violence had to find new ways to
influence the conduct of others (Ibid). Nation states also became more pacified in the
treatment of their own citizens and so a form of ideological control developed so that
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individuals began to self-discipline themselves through various ideologies which were able to
work on the unwritten laws and norms controlling subjectivity (Ibid).
The rule of the monarch is symbolized by the sword because violence was integral to
governance but in the later formation with the disinclination toward violence (which
increased with the monopolization of power by the state) there is a new ―continuous
regulatory and corrective system‖ came about as the law came to operate more as norms
(Ibid).
―A normalizing of society is the historical outcome of a technology of power centered on life
(Foucault 1979: 144)‖ (Ibid). Thus normalizing took place through institutions such as the
hospital, prison, and other forms of administrative organization which aimed at producing
―docile bodies that are disciplined and ready to be used as labour power (Ibid). Burkitt
(1999) says that here we see
―the two-pronged movements of bio-power: on the one hand,
working at the level of populations, adjusting them to economic
processes; and, on the other, disciplining and yet intensifying
individual bodies, creating in them new aptitudes and capacities
as free citizens and laborers, without at the same time making
them more difficult to govern‖ (Ibid).
By focusing mainly on the techniques and strategies of power, Foucault had ignored ―'the
techniques of the self' through which individuals constitute themselves as disciplined
subjects‖ (Ibid).
His later work focused on these 'techniques of the self' by looking at how individuals enter
into an ethical relationship with themselves – that is he studied how ―individuals turn the
body and the self into an object, making it the target for the application of regimes, diets or
moral precepts‖ (Ibid). What is ignored in this view is how the norms of the moral world of
selves interacting are achieved (Ibid).
Burkitt (1999) says that ―moral norms are both the medium and outcome of moral
interactions, borrowing the language of structuration, because, as moral precepts are largely
unwritten, they are open to reformulation and re-negotiation in their practical use‖ (Ibid). So
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although Foucault emphasized the individuals and not interaction between them, he was, in
the sense of this interaction, right when he claimed that the ―'modern state', as it began to
develop around the eighteenth century, is one that did not form above the people, but
integrated them into its very structure, being concerned with individualizing people as much
as totalizing the state formation‖ (Ibid).
This means that the ―modern form of regulating behaviour through norms is one that
individuals practice upon one another as well as upon themselves‖ (Ibid). Of course between
the normalization practices of the state (in the form of institutions) and the individual, are the
everyday practices of individuals applying norms onto others through their joint practices
(Ibid).
Foucault's notion of ethical self formation implicitly implies that in this process individuals
become the subjects of discourses (Ibid). To this end Burkitt (1999) suggests that this is why
the type of discourse which claimed to reveal the truth about the self, as can be seen in the
popularity of diaries and biographies among the bourgeoisie of the 18th and 19
th centuries,
was because of the ascendancy of writing and speech as primary modes of communication of
the embodied self (Ibid). Here we can see
―the bodily aspects and processes associated with the grotesque
body have now become functions, largely stripped of their
symbolic content, and language is the primary means through
which the self finds expression. The subject becomes an author
in discourse and the body sinks beneath the discursivity of the
subject (Barker, 1995: 57)‖ (Ibid).
―The Bourgeois subject, then, narrates both the self and world from a private place, and the
certainty of that narration beyond the private place of the study, or the psyche, is called into
doubt‖ (Ibid). From this position there opens up all the divisions which still mark the
contemporary Western world: the division between private and public, subject and object,
spiritual and material, mind and body, individual and society, and self and others (Ibid: 55-
6).
The armoring and division of bodies then connects to all of these dichotomies and is
experienced both within and between individuals (Ibid). ―As the individual becomes solitary
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and private, and his or her own self is understood as a textual narration composed in a private
place, the world of materiality and sociality 'outside' that space is felt to be radically distant,
as is the materiality of the body (Ibid). ―Even the ties between words and things become
broken so that language itself is experienced as autonomized‖ (Ibid).
This can be seen with Descartes‘ grounding of all truth in the certainty of his own cogito
(Ibid). As Heidegger (1977: 128) says, this is when ―man becomes the relational center of
that which is as such‖ (Ibid). Therefore in contrast to ancient and medieval humans (for
Heidegger) the world for modern humans appears as a picture – therefore as in 'I get the
picture' the self is the beholder of knowledge whereas in the medieval and ancient view this
picture (for Heidegger) didn't exist because humans belong to the rank of that which is
divinely created by God, so never being at the centre of the hierarchy ―the being of all that
exists is not placed before humans as the objective, in the realm of human knowledge and
disposal‖ (Ibid).
―Thus the world becomes something represented by humans in
pictorial fashion, an objectifying act which also inspires people
to go forward and master it (Ibid). So not only does time get
stretched on to a linear and flat plane, as Bakhtin (1984)
suggested, but space also opens up to modern humans as
objective and separate dimensions, to be seen known and
mastered (Ibid). What is being accentuated here is the
importance of vision in modern forms of understanding and the
close link that is established between sight and cognitive
apprehension, or seeing and knowing‖ (Ibid).
In the modern mind therefore the metaphor of sight is primary (Ibid). The Foucauldian notion
of surveillance ties into the emergence of vision's saliency to the modern self that ―power
relations and normative controls working on the body, restricting sensate experience mainly
to vision, and linking this to forms of cognitive apprehension – the only sure root to the
truth‖ (Ibid). This general trend towards ―the cognitive representation of a picture of the
world what Barker (1995: 86) calls 'the positivism of the object‖, or Heidegger refers to as
the position of realism; that is, of thought being in the position of having to prove the reality
of the outer world, of having to save that which is‖ (Ibid).
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For Heidegger, this Cartesian doubt can only be overcome by questioning the truth of being,
the notion of the human cognito as the foundation point and guarantor of all truth (Ibid).
However such questioning of being turns into the project of overcoming Cartesianism into a
philosophical, and perhaps ultimately a metaphysical, journey, where here I want to,
following Burkitt (1999), suggest a relational approach to the problem (Ibid). That is, instead
of understanding humans as the relational centre of all that exists, we replace this with the
understanding of humans as non-central points in the networks of various relations, which
encompass relations between people and also with the non-human (Ibid).
Upon the emergence of the 'I' of thought processes or the Cartesian subjectivity, there is a
simultaneous emergence of reason as the guide to truth and a Protestant led secularization in
the religious sphere (Ibid). This causes a ―loss of religious practice as a guarantor of truth and
certainty in the world‖ (Ibid) and further undermines the religious conception of the
hierarchy of the great order of being (Ibid).
―According to Barker (1995), while the self becomes expressed in discourse, the body is
excluded as an expressive being, [and] instead... it becomes the object rather than the subject
of discourse (Ibid). Through the discourses, as Foucault suggested, ―of medicine, of wealth
and populations, economics and sexuality – the body becomes regulated and disciplined, the
subject of various relations of power‖ (Ibid: 58).
Ethical Self Relation
―In ethical self relation, something else emerges – another aspect of selfhood – which is the
internal witness and judge, the part of the self that stands above all the others and evaluates
them. This forms out of the paradox that Benjamin (1990) has pointed to when she claims
that, to be a free and autonomous agent, the Western self must first be recognized as such by
another. In so doing, the independent agent must cede agency to another. Put another way,
we can only make ourselves free and autonomous agents through the political and moral
precepts of Enlightenment culture, which holds independent agency as the highest value to
be attained. These are the values of the general culture and not our own making. To be
recognized as an independent agent, then, we must always form ourselves in the values and
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the 'eyes' of the Other, and take that Other into ourselves in the process of ethical-self
formation. There is always, then, an aspect of the self which is not-I or Other. It has been
referred to previously as the 'upper-I‘ (Burkitt 1991), but Bakhtin refers to this, perhaps more
accurately, as the 'supra-I'. 'Something absolutely new appears here: the supraperson,
the supra- I, that is, the witness and the judge of the whole human being, of the
whole I, and consequently someone who is no longer the person, no longer the I, but
the other. The reflection of the self in the empirical other through whom one must pass in
order to reach ‘I-for-myself’ '([Bakhtin 1986: 137] cited in Ibid).
Furthermore Psychology, Burkitt (1999) says, also corresponds to the emergence of these
two aspects of the modern self too: ―the self as a textual being that narrates its own existence
and identity and, behind this, the self as a cognitive and rational being which speaks the truth
about itself and the world‖ (Ibid).
Notwithstanding these factors Burkitt (1999) claims ―that at the root of this Cartesian
division are wider social changes, which intersect the individual and his or her relation to
others and to the world‖ (Ibid).
First of all there is the centralization of the nation state, its monopolizing of the means of
violence, and the switch from physical coercion to ideological or normative control. These
controls, practiced by individuals on one another and upon their own selves, produce a
greater emotional distance between people and the feeling that the self is encased inside the
bodily armor‖ (Ibid).
The notion of closed versus the grotesque body implies a ―wedge [being]...driven between
the immediate sensual experience of individuals in their interaction with each other and with
the objects of the physical world, and this divide extends into the body with the division
between the body and the mind‖ (Ibid).
The notion of personal freedom rises along with the shift of control from feudal and
ecclesiastical to social power centered more on norms and self-discipline is only partly true
because ―while this created the view of individuals as free and autonomous agents, it was at
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the expense of people acting as agents of social control upon each other and upon
themselves‖ (Ibid). Human agency became shaped by the ideologies of the day (Ibid).
While the hierarchies of the modern state are not temporarily subverted as in the carnivals of
the Renaissance there have been unofficial sites of resistance which have emerged as
unofficial discourses and heretical discourses, ―such as political parties, trade unions and
other social movements‖ (Ibid). Also, official and unofficial ideologies are never separate
things because they intermingle and are dependent on one another (Bakhtin 1986; Bourdieu
1991; Volosinov 1986). Burkitt (1999) sees ideologies as world outlooks comprised of
(sometimes) internally contradictory discourses; that is discourses in the Foucauldian sense
that they ―are tactical elements or blocks operating in a field of force relations... usually
centered on the construction of some object of knowledge, such as the population or the
human body‖ (Ibid). The composition of the ideology is dependent upon power relations of
the groups holding different discursive knowledges (Ibid).
Bio-power, as Foucault has claimed, takes life itself into the ―realms of power and political
calculation‖ (Ibid). However because, bodies are constituted ecologically our bodies do not
conform strictly to the dictates of modern power relations, meaning that they are not
controllable at the level of everyday consciousness (Ibid). Death for modern humans
becomes then ―the most secret and private events for modern people‖ and the very limit of
bio-power‖ (Ibid).
Thus filtering these themes through the relational perspective
―the embodied location of the individual, in both its spatio-
temporal context and within social relations, can be regarded as
the person (McNamee and Gergen 1999), upon whom is
conferred rights and duties, along with individualizing marks,
names and numbers (Ibid).
It is around theses symbolic markers (including ethical codes and norms), as well as through
our own sense of bodily location, that we identify ourselves as a specific person (Ibid).
Against Descartes, then, it can be argued that the body is central to the identity of the person
and that personhood does not simply reside with the 'mind' (Ibid). The person has a fairly
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stable identity that changes only slowly with place and time; ―like the body itself, it has an
enduring, though not unchangeable quality, a bit like the image of a person's face as it
gradually ages‖ (Ibid).
―In contrast to the more stable aspects of a person's character there are also the various selves
that develop which are more context dependent and can change from situation to situation in
the space of a day‖ (Ibid). The perspective we have on our own embodied person can change
as rapidly as our view point changes, creating the impression of a variety of selves, or
different ways of viewing and presenting ourselves in different social contexts (Ibid).
Like the person to whom they are related, the various selves only emerge through the ethical
relation we establish with ourselves, and so they configure around a relationally and spatio-
temporally located body (Ibid: 62-3). Therefore Burkitt (1999) insists that
―while persons and selves cannot be reduced to the body,
because they have their origin partly in the symbolic realm, nor
can they exist without their embodied location. The difference
between persons and selves is that the latter allow for a degree
of reflexive distance from embodied personhood and for the
ability to take a more universal, although partially situated,
towards other people and things‖ (Ibid).
It is the attitude of self-discipline, developed in the ethical self-relation and the emergence of
the Other within the self, which has, from the Renaissance period onwards, alienated
Western selves more and more from their bodies (Ibid). The body is thought of as a machine,
rather than the basis of a sentient, thinking being (Ibid). ―Instead, the self is intensified as the
realm of inner experience, the deep subjective 'interior', which is experienced as the very
essence of the human soul‖ (Ibid). The self is expressed largely through text or in symbolic
communication and so many contemporary social theorists speak of the self as a purely
textual construction (Ibid).
The carnival was in some ways a reaction to the violent and dogmatic authoritarianism of the
feudal, ecclesiastical orders and early state formations (Ibid). However although ―reflexive
modernization‖ (Ibid: 64) brings with it doubt, anxiety, uncertainty and individual isolation,
it has also brought many freedoms too (Ibid). Heidegger (1977) for instance has pointed out
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that when there is a division between the individual and the collective that a positive aspect is
that the collective is recognized as having worth (Ibid). For the individual, the rights of the
collective still hold within them the possibility for the individuals to distance themselves for
authority, which is the possibility for maturity (Ibid).
The problem of wishing to return to earlier forms of close-knit communal association is that
they can be highly exclusionary, so that they involve not only the desire to belong together
―but the pursuit of identity through 'burning others together'‖ ([Mellor and Shilling 1997: 27]
cited in Ibid).
So because the dualisms seem to have worth and problems, Harraway (1991) for example
introduces the notion of living in the border lands through her notion of hybridity, which,
―translated to humans, would mean that we no longer maintain
the rigid dichotomies between the human and the non-human,
society and nature, mind and body, demanded by the classical
canon, and instead focus on the areas where these categories
fuse... [;]we need to focus on the relations rather than the duality
of things to understand what binds people and things together
and, at the same moment seek to draw differences between
them‖ (Ibid).
Overcoming the dualism is not, as Heidegger suggested, to critique being, ―but to understand
how we are constituted and divided relationally‖ (Ibid). ―Relations and the inherent
ambivalence of things then become the main tools of analysis‖ (Ibid).
Therefore with the rise of ―the closed, communicative body where the signifying surface of
the body expresses but at the same time conceals part itself behind its armouring[,]...
individuals then become the watchers and the watched, surveying others as well as their own
selves‖ (Ibid). This is how ―norms... [came to be] applied to the self in the process of ethical
self-formation and this creates the appearance of a spatial distance between thought and
active, sensate, emotive being, which is associated with the body‖ (Ibid: 65-6).
The self then comes to ―associate its existence with the cognitive rationality that seems to be
central to its very being, and with the text through which it narrates its own biography and
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reassures itself of its own identity‖ (Ibid). This is what Heidegger called the self which
experiences itself as the relational centre of all that is (Ibid).
In the relational approach, humans, like other things in the world, are the ―non-central points
in the networks of relations‖ (Ibid). The experience of the division between the body and
mind is therefore formed as non-corporeal relations of power and communication (Ibid). As
such, they are not universal and inevitable phenomena, but totally dependent on their social
and historical context‖ (Ibid).
25. Modernity
Burkitt (1999) insists that positivist and constructionist theories (including post modernist
theories), don't overcome the Cartesian dualism, and so fail to challenge the central problem
of our (Western) society, which ―is the integration of classical and romantic understanding,
the rational and the sensuous ... which is experienced as the fragmented bodies and divided
selves‖ (Ibid). I suggest that this can be seen in the plethora of alternative healing therapies
as well as the 'wellness revolution' which actively seeks integration of ‗body, mind and soul'.
From a historical vantage, as I have discussed earlier, this problem is partly due to the
'closing' of the body in modernity during which time the body came under stricter social and
personal control (Ibid). The cost of this extended control is fragmentation in which the
experience of the wholeness of the body is lost to ―feelings of a mental or personal essence
divided from the automaton it must inhabit‖ (Ibid).
Burkitt (1999) suggests this desire for the recovery of some permanence or wholeness (which
at this stage can be glossed as healing) in an increasingly heterogeneous world through a
quest for further control is paradoxical because this only tends to entrench the ―modern
mechanical, rationalized forms of control deeper into society and into the body‖ (Ibid).
This would only make sense for the modern self because if we consider Gergen's (1991)
claims seriously, when he states, contrasting so called post modern selves (or in Gidden's
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(1991) terminology 'late modern') with modern selves, that the modern self ―was said to
exhibit essential qualities, such as measurable traits that made up the personality‖ (Ibid). The
so called post modern self, on the other hand, is a reaction against rapid change because
persons exist in a state of ―continuous construction and reconstruction ... each reality of self
gives way to reflexive questioning, irony, and ultimately the playful probing of yet another
reality‖ ([Gergen 1991: 6-7] cited in Ibid). Self and reality therefore come to be constituted
and reconfigured within relationships and not inner essences because relations are the source
of identity and feelings during this time (Ibid: 131-2).
Although relations are now argued to be the source of identity and feelings, this positioning
of persons within relations is not, however, unproblematic, especially when the body is taken
into consideration because as I will show shortly it does not always obey the controlling,
Cartesian self (Ibid).
Expanding on this issue of control, Giddens (1991) asserts that modern individuals are
deskilled with dealing with that which is beyond their control, as can be seen with death
(Ibid). Giddens sees this as a confrontation with 'original nature' – here death ―is 'sequestered'
away from everyday routines and confined ... to particular spaces where experts can deal
with them‖ - such as the hospital and the hospice (Ibid: 141).
Giddens (1991) sees this as a confrontation with 'original nature' – here death is 'sequestered'
―away from everyday routines and confined ... to particular spaces where experts can deal
with them‖ (Ibid: 141). He sees a need for body controls and disciplines, which are part of
the very style of modern living, because they are necessary in order to create ontological
security, to stave off ‗existential fright‘ at the possible intrusion of 'nature' into the highly
protected modern world (Ibid). He also sees narratives, which are highly textual and
cognitive, as binding a person's identity by weaving them into a ―protective cocoon of bodily
control and socially warranted knowledge claims‖ (Ibid).
Furthermore, following on from this, Gidden's (1991) understanding of 'life politics' as ―a
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form of politics which is common only in late modernity‖ which focuses on the ―body, self-
identity and the environment,‖ revolves around those areas of social life which are
designated as 'natural' and ―involves the collective reapropriation of institutionally repressed
areas of life – such as birth, sex and death – which become moral-existential questions to be
addressed politically‖ (Ibid). Therefore these new social movements refuse to focus solely
upon inequality and injustice but incorporate other issues such as environmental concerns
and 'life politics' is meant to indicate the interest in so-called 'original nature' (Ibid).
Martin (1989), for example, powerfully details the fragmentation of the female imaginary
body in her study of women's experiences of the medicalization of their body process, in
which a desire to be whole was expressed so clearly (Ibid: 102). This clearly shows that
―the body is becoming an issue because, in an increasingly
fragmentary world, there is a growing desire for wholeness, for
integration and for healing. It is not a reactionary tendency, nor an
inability to cope with the excitement and possibilities presented by a
fractured world, but a critical stance which refuses to take at face
value division, rupture and, behind this, various forms of domination
and exploitation‖ (Ibid: 145 [emphasis added]).
Burkitt (1999) goes on to suggest that alternative ideologies, such as those Claire has used
during the course of her illness, open up a new space where creative practices can be
explored and developed (Ibid: 145). In resisting forms of domination and dividing practices,
the body becomes a point of focus because it is around the body, as it is located in relational
networks, that individuals can integrate the various aspects of themselves into a whole
person, and demand to be treated as such (Ibid).
This is not to say that these are the only influences, Mellor and Shilling (1997) point out the
decline of the Protestant religion with its strong ascetic control of the body, and with this
decline, the rise once more of a modern form of counter-reformation spirit, in which
―'baroque modern bodies' seek out opportunities for fleshy pleasures
and sensuality: they call this a ―Janus-faced- modernity‖ because the
old cognitively based forms of social control are still in place, with
their contractual mentality towards social associations, while, at the
same time, we witness the rise of other forms of social bonding based
on emotional, bodily and sensual forms that connect people to one
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another‖ (Ibid).
Burkitt (1999) suggests a Romanticist reactionary tendency can be felt at this present time in
the ―rise of tribalism and the desire to swathe oneself in the protective bonds of the emotional
community‖ (Ibid: 150). Claire's recent adventures with Neo-shamanism could be indicative
of this.
Burkitt (1999) concludes by stating that ―all politics, then, is life politics, where we recognize
our connections to `other life forms and to things, seeking not the eradication of difference
but the necessity of relatedness across boundaries and across borders‖ (Ibid). It is from this
sense of relatedness, he suggests, that ethics grow and flourish (Ibid). In the ethnographic
account I address Claire's so called life politics as indicative of this.
Burkitt (1999), however, in his study suggested that the current relations between people are
based (mostly) on normative forms of control rather than ethical considerations. That is,
through the application of norms to the behaviour of others and to ourselves, we seek to
control and police activity rather than to realize it in an ethical form. In this sense, then,
Burkitt (1999) suggests, ―the modern subject is still in a sense of immaturity, [in that they]
tend... to look to external authorities for the validation of behaviour and apply... norms
created by hegemonic powers‖ (Ibid: 150- 1). He goes on to state how
―in the West, our moral codes have become focused more on a
concern for control than for care, for regulating one another rather
than for caring for each other[,]...the effects of normative control on
the body are ones of armouring, where vulnerability and openness
become dangers that need to be closed off behind layers of
defensiveness‖ (Ibid).
26. Neo-Shamanism
Claire's ongoing searches for healing and meaning have led her to the Neo-Shamanism of her
teacher. She was drawn to this through her ongoing life politics journey which was in its
latter stage influenced by Eco-psychology and Arnold Mindells' Process work (which is
93
based upon and developed from Jung's imaginal psychology which prioritizes the soul‘s
journey in the quest for integration and meaning). A proper introduction to this area of
investigation is beyond the scope of this paper.
The Teacher:
―[his] journey to becoming an empowered teacher began with studies and
practice in Yoga, natural healing, Macrobiotics and Taoism while completing
a Philosophy degree at University. During this time, he made initial contacts
with Sangoma [African healer/diviner). For the following 4 years, he studied
Kabala and other disciplines at a Rabbinic College in Israel.
For over 12 years, he traveled in the deep bush throughout Southern Africa,
where he was taught various skills and given many gifts by numerous
Sangoma. He participated in rare initiation ceremonies and rituals, all-night
drumming and Trance dancing. Personal studies in Taoism, Tantra and
Shamanism continued.
Subsequently, he studied Breathwork methods, regression therapies and dream
analysis. At the same time, he enhanced his work in massage, oils, crystals and
other ancient healing methods. He then consolidated extensive studies in
theoretical and practical contemporary therapeutic techniques, which were
then integrated with traditional teachings. In 1994, he began to do his current
work full time.
In group and individual therapeutic work, [he] uses body-conscious therapies
and Mindell-type deep process-work, together with Jungian analysis and
Hillman's Archetypal-based Soul work.
Individual therapeutic work includes dealing with family-of-origin
dysfunction, dream analysis, substance and process addictions, sexual and
relationship issues and difficulties, depression and the psycho-spiritual crises
that often accompany the emerging true Self. Group work also includes
exploring the peri-natal realms as well accessing expanded states of
consciousness and transpersonal realms and integrating the insights gained
into everyday living. Advanced group work includes teacher-training
programs and advanced practical workshops.
[His] work extends beyond the boundaries of the contemporary therapeutic
movement. He also continues to create original workshops that challenge both
participants and consensus.‖
94
References: Publications:
Aggarwal R. 1997. ―Review: Body and Emotion: The Aesthetics of Illness and Healing in
the Nepal Himalayas by Desjarleis R.R.‖ American Ethnologist 24(2): 497-497.
Burkitt I., 1999. ―Bodies of Thought: Embodiment, Identity and Modernity.‖ London: Sage
Publications.
Connolly M., and Craig T., 2002. ―Stressed Embodiment: Doing Phenomenology in the
Wild.‖ Human Studies, Vol. 25, 451-462.
Desjarleis, R.R. 1989. ―Healing through images: the magical flight and healing geography
of Nepali Shamans‖. Ethos, 17 (3), 289-307.
Desjarleis, R.R.1996. ―Presence‖. In Laderman, C. & Roseman, M. ―The Performance of
Healing‖. New York and: London: Routledge.
Good B. J., 1994. ―Medicine, rationality, and experience: An anthropological perspective.‖
Great Britain: Cambridge University Press.
Jensen D., 2004. ―A language older than words.‖ New York: Chelsea Green Publishing.
Lester R J. 2004. ―Material Bodies and the Transformation of the Social‖. Theory and
Psychology, 14(3), 409-419.
Lincoln, B. 2001. ―Revisiting ‗magical flight‘‖. American Ethnologist, 28(4), 778-802.
Reina R. E., 1976. ―John Philip Gillin, 1907-1973‖. American Anthropologist, New Series,
78(1), 79-86.
95
Appendices:
Appendix 1: An extract from Claire’s personal diary in 2003
11th of March 2003
I'm going off my head! I had a rehearsal [for an honors play at the University Drama
department] this evening. We read over the play. I am struggling with the accent. She wants a
kind of Liverpool sounding accent. You know ―sorry luv or loov. I can't do it.
[later] I can't sleep. Too self-conscious. Can't breathe through my nose at all. Need to go to
the acupuncturist again.
I feel I am owned now... because of the play. I need to try not to go beyond myself.
13/03/2005
I am in agony. My whole body hurts. Joints aching. Really hurting. My throat is swollen and
sore. FUCK!!! I CANNOT BE SICK NOW!! I think, no I know, this is about the play. I DO
NOT WANT TO DO IT. I've been overextending myself. The play requires more than I can
give without hurting myself. I don‘t know what to do. I need to find a way to pull
out now! It‘s the girl's director‘s piece and marks so she needs to find someone to replace me
now.
I want to cry. I want to fake a crisis. I want to get on the bus and go to The city. I need to get
away right now!
I have my first essay due on Monday [for the English Honours that I have registered for at
University]. Its Thursday now...about three in the morning, I can't sleep. Hectic day to come
[tomorrow] and I am sick.
I can't be sick now. It‘s going to add more stress than [it will] remove.
I'm praying. To God, to the earth, to my own body... [―] please don't let me be sick now. Help
me heal fast[‖].
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How do I do this? I don't want to lose the outing next week [which is with my entire English
Honours Class. It‘s so important to me. That‘s number one. Then number two is my essay.
Number four are my [English] tut[orial]s tomorrow. No. five is the play. No. six is the Video
Shop [where I have a part time job]. Maybe I should quit [my job at the] the Video Shop.
More stress!
I think I have a fever.
I am going to [the director of the play I have a part in] and say I am sorry [but] I've
overextended myself and I'm starting to get sick. [―]I see where this is headed and I think it
[is] best to call it off while you can find a replacement [‖].
All the voices in my head are yelling at me. Like [―] I'm a failure[‖]... [―] You did this with
the choir[‖] [―]You won't be able to audition there again!‖
―Come on, you can do it!‖
My body says no! I can't because I don't want to. I didn't feel comfortable in the audition, and
every rehearsal has felt like that. No I must end it. I knew it wasn't right from the beginning.
It was about 44 degrees [celcius] today. It‘s fucking hot now too. I was actually cold and
sleeping under a duvet. I went and put water over me and [then] stood in front of the fan...[it
was then] when I realized I must have a fever. I feel the heat now.
You know, maybe acting isn't for me. I have a talent, but...[in original]. No, this part isn't for
me. These circumstances aren't for me.
I just drew the 'ten of wands' [from my tarot cards. It said:] ―Exhaustion. Being
overburdened. Taking on too much responsibility. Find peace within by making way for new
passions. Release responsibilities from the past that no longer seem valid for they are
encumbering further growth. Rest in tranquil surroundings‖
Perfect.
97
I think I have underestimated the effect of this heat. It is like a furnace. I bet nobody can
sleep tonight, which means I won't be the only overtired person tomorrow.
I feel better already. Just knowing I am allowed to quit [the play] honorably.
If I am sick at least I'll have time to rest and heal this weekend. I can borrow a computer
screen from [a friend] so I can work here [instead of in the university computer labs]. [My
maid]... is coming tomorrow or today ...so I'll be able to ―Rest in tranquil surroundings.‖
I'll be fine.
I got my period two days ago and I hardly had any pain. I am sure it is because of the
[vitamin] B-complex I am taking.
I am going to make an appointment with [Dr] D (acupuncturist). I've heard he is great with
flu. Maybe he can help me with my fatigue and lack of energy.
I know what I need to do is learn how rest. It‘s fine being busy if I know how to really take
some time out. But I don't seem to be able to. I just gogogogo.
It‘s got a lot to do with liking myself. Knowing I deserve rest. I'm so hard on myself. Yelling
at myself for not working hard enough.
I think I am worried about losing that satisfaction of having the voices shut up. If I quit the
play I am no longer being a ―good girl‖ (i.e. someone who is hard working and reliable, and
committed and successful...with a smile on her face).
I have to find a way of accepting and appreciating my own way of being in the world.
Acknowledging that ―time out‖ helps me digest things and actually do better.
[later]
I'm wide awake. As soon as I lie down my nose blocks up and I can't breathe comfortably. I
eaten raw onion, a teaspoon of masala powder, two teaspoons of curry paste and it is still
blocked.
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Maybe I am not supposed to sleep tonight.
Nose, why are you so blocked? Don't you know you're supposed to clear yourself. I'm angry
with you.
My top lip burns from Vicks [eucalyptus cream]. This is unacceptable! I have a nose to
breathe with dammit!
[next day, later]
I did it. Canceled. Pulled out [of the play].
[After seeing Doctor D] I may have glandular fever. Watching video tonight.
17/03/2003
Still sick. It‘s been three days. I'm pondering ideas for a long essay [for my English honors
course]. [I] need to get my thoughts in order.
[In Lord of the Rings] Frodo's journey. He is an orphan like so many heroes. He is
afflicted with knowledge of evil that separates him from his peers. He must leave
Middle Earth with wise men who can love him because they too know evil. NB:-
[This] brotherhood [is] based on deep love and respect, [and] yet is born out of
pain... [they are] mourners [as] they have seen both worlds [I presume the good and
evil sides].
[Ursula Linguine‘s] The Dispossessed [in which [a man leaves his own planet to go
to its neighbor [and afterward] can never ... truly belong to either.
Super hero orphans. Superman, Batman, Harry Potter, Frodo [...this is] the Western
condition. We are orphans. No culture, no stable system. [I am thinking of the]
Continuum concept. How the mind takes over. [In Collin Wilson's] From Atlantis to
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the Sphinx [he explores] right brain versus left brain societies. [Western culture has
been affected by the] rise of the machine ... [as] Lord of the Rings [describes].
[I can also include] descriptions of this [so-called] Western society [as is described
in] [Bret Easton Ellis's] American Psycho, Raymond Carver's Mediated Desires.
[They talk about the] empty self [, in which people are] slaves to the media [and they
are] immature beings controlled by the state. [They also speak of the] break down of
community. [The 'advertisers'] build up the artificial and through [their] advertising
[use] mind control to make money.
The super hero searches for family, finds [a] community and power to overcome evil.
[the next day]
Gosh, this music is so soothing. Dead Can Dance, Aion. I've been dreaming that music is
very important. Its balance seperates good from evil. I feel much more centered with it on. It
takes me to a good place. A place I feel I belong [in]. A very sad but warm place. Deep and
wise.
I've been weeping about the African Rainforest. [I] saw a National Geographic special on the
Ba'Aka of Cameroon, They are Pigmys ... their rainforest is being killed. They are so
innocent. They went into a logging town where they were cursed at by all [those] they
passed. They found the top Government official who promised them their land 'won't be
hurt'. The next day the loggers came.
I wept when I told [my psycho therapist] the story. A part of me felt silly. I heard my mother
saying ―what are you really crying about?‖ She always did that. When I cried about doggy
dying in the movie she said I was crying for me. After a while I stopped crying other things
and only cried for myself.
She actually told me I was unable to really feel anything for the dog, [the] orphan, [or the]
chopped tree – that all emotion is projected. I'm sure it helped her to believe that. I'm sure it
made her lack of empathy easy to live with.
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People care. People hurt for each other. People feel deep, deep sadness over things that do
not directly affect their lives. [I should tell my mother] Don't tell little girls with big loving
hearts that there is something wrong with them for caring. Don't fuck with their minds and
make them doubt themselves...Don't pathologize little healthy children with your
psychobabble. Don't experiment on your kids.
Frodo joins a brotherhood of people who have seen evil. Who have felt it. Who know the
sadness like I do. He finds his family.
Frodo is twice orphaned. He loses his parent but Bilbo [Baggins] Steps in. Then he is
orphaned from the world as he knows it. A world to which he cannot return. He is stolen in
fact by the ring. Harry Potter is wounded as he is orphaned, but in a display of strength.
Frodo does not gain power from [the] quest.
I'd like to write about [the work of] Raymond Carver. Particularly looking at the ―missed
connection‖ with the ―other‖. [The] inability to hear/see or communicate. A barrier is up
around the individual that separates him from his community. In a way this is what happens
to Frodo. But Frodo can communicate and share, just not with his peers. It‘s a matter of [his
peers] not understanding that isolates him.
In Carver the inability to communicate is lacking. [Carver] creates a world of outsiders who
are not even connected with themselves. Where Frodo hides his pain from his friends,
Carver's people struggle to name it in themselves. [In] Mediated Desires the characters have
no self. Evil... I would like to explore the continuum concept as the fall from Eden. I would
then like to bring Collin Wilson in [with his theory about right and left brained societies and
how industrial societies are disconnected]. This could lead to a discussion of Bret Easton
Ellis's American Psycho [where the protagonist has to mutilate people to 'connect' with
them... he wants to see what is 'inside them' but can only conceive of this in violent physical
way]. I could say this [thesis] is about evil versus the acceptance of pain, and the sadness as
[a] healing power.
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Surfacing {by Margaret Attwood) would be an illustration. In this novel the character
searches for her parent. [She] goes into a shamanic experience. [This is about] regression
[and] reconnection.
[Next day]
There are times when I feel so warm. Such a deep sense of something amazing and beautiful.
Something so personal. Like someone reaching out to me. I'm listening to Dead Can Dance
again. It‘s amazing music. It‘s from a world I want to be in. Something Pre-Western yet
Western. My tribal ancestors. It also contains many ―religious‖ sounding songs. Chanting
like monks do. Yet there is a fiery edge, something whirling and wild. It‘s sad but free music.
I see deep colors of brown and red. Ochre. I see myself in a thick peasant‘s shirt with long
walking boots. I feel fresh and strong. Happy.
When all the layers peel off I come down to this dark well of sadness and mystery. I can rest
here. Yet before I allow rest I mark out a map, some way to keep this passage open,
available. The fear that I may lose the peaceful beautiful feeling eats up the peaceful
beautiful feeling.
No. I must find my way down into the dark watery cave over and over again. I want to set
my life by this. I want to yell out NO! To so many things. My head! My head must go!
[Later]
How very ironic! Just as I wrote the last line Mike arrived needing a lift [in my car]. Despite
the fact that he said he can walk I offered to drive [him]. I've made a pact with myself to stay
in bed for the rest of the day. I decided to drive him halfway only.
I needed to say NO NO NO. I am so easily intimidated. Not that Mike did that; it‘s just that I
felt it was the right thing [to do]. His car is within [easy] walking distance.
[Later]
102
My mother phoned. She's been worried about me. [She] knew something was wrong. [She]
says she has a secret relationship with me. It ties into what I said the other night. About the
pact. Thorny love.
She said everything I thought today. About needing to find a sacred space inside me in order
to heal. She said ―the world is wrong‖. She talked about the coming war in Iraq and I cried.
My rainforest. She said I need to take things slowly. [My mom's friend] recently took some
crew up a mountain during a [film] shoot, and said look, it‘s just a commercial, so it doesn't
matter. My mother told me to go and touch some grass.
I told her I miss her. She told me about a woman who died and her spirit looked down on the
room and saw her dog watching, breathing faithfully next to her body. She realized she
couldn't leave her dog and went back to her body. I cried. She said my body is like that dog.
Faithful, patient and willing.
I'm sorry body! I'm sorry for wanting you to conform to the shapes in my mind. For dragging
you into my sick games. I need to go slowly, to cut corners where I can.
[Later or the next day]
I actually feel quite a lot better. I realized today that I've been in mourning. I haven't really
allowed it.
I call on my [spirit] guides. I wish to enter the cave of sorrow and holiness. I wish to be
bathed in blue-black waters that do not break. So clear and so deep. Inside I shimmer, naked
little fish. There is no bottom here.
[I imagine a story:] I have a wife and child. Hurt and stolen. I have a sacred place burned and
desecrated. I have an ancient forest, the face of my mother, shorn and broken. Dead in the
sand. I have a sun that bakes and bakes as it always has on an empty land now a dying land. I
have a child twisted so that it cannot love. A child who loves only pain. I have the eyes of the
pigmies so round. I owe. So whole and honest weeping in shaking heads. I have the last
minute shouts, appeals banging on double glazed windows. I have unformed heads turning
away on shrugged shoulders. I have heart hearted boys with orthodontist smiles. I have
103
Mercedes. I have a video of the city. I have tiled concrete floors. I have a Zen garden. I have
an au pair. I have a closet full of shoes. I climb in the closet. I close the door. It‘s quite. It‘s
dark.
[Later or the next day]
I am gonna quit [my job] at the video shop. Tomorrow.
18/04/2003
Because Frodo knows the source of his pain he can leave the place he does not belong to.
Carver's do not and cannot.
[Later]
No wonder I get sick. I feel totally invalidated when I am out in the world. Like a little kid
whom everyone thinks is naughty. How on earth do I cope?
Retreat can be an act of strength and power.
I wish to wear white.
I really want to retreat. But not into despair or depression or isolation, but into my more
intuitive realms. I want to make a larger space for it in my life. I want to retreat from ―head‖
space into ―heart‖ and ―body‖ space. I've often felt this need. I've always seen it as some kind
of failure on my part. A need to escape. An inability to deal with reality.
Yes, I wish to escape the Apollonian reality and seek our Artemis. In Dr D's acupuncture
room there's a painting of a big moon behind a peak which is surrounded by water. It‘s a
murky green so you can't make out too many details. I love it. It‘s so feminine.
The world is wrong, I'm not going to stress out about the demands it makes.
Every time I dismiss this side of myself in any way, I am killing off my life force.
I've quit [job] at the video [rental]. I'm so glad.
104
I don't want to know other people's business. I want to keep my life simple. I don't want to
care about things other people value. I don't want to justify my own way of being.
[Later]
OK back to my thesis.
Carver and Ellis present Hell. Actually Carver presents reality, Ellis takes it to its extreme –
alienation in acute form (i.e. total lack of humanity; inability to desire or feel anything
outside the program). Complete materialism [where] connections can only be physical...
[here] intimacy is dismemberment; there is no social cohesion, [or] a psychological net to
contain the individual.
Frodo is a prototype. The hero's journey seen at the turn of the century. But is such a journey
possible. [It is possible] only if the source is found. Frodo is hurt in adulthood. Postmodern
man is hurt in infancy. The wound is hidden.
[There is a] preoccupation with Fantasy. [This is] the quest for major inspiration. [In this,] 1st
the hero is recognized, His orphanhood is ended by this recognition. But then there is a quest.
A talisman of power, something must be found.
I believe for me and for many others the quest is for the source of pain and joy.
I would like to explore some fantasy works too [in my thesis]. Particularly clichéd ones. [In]
the medieval setting. ―Olden times‖ - time before industry. Connections are still viable. The
world is safe and evil is identifiable. I want to look at Calesture by Storm Constantine. I like
the floating cities. A bit of modernity disconnected from the real world, but totally dependent
on it. A man who is alone in his own city creates the fantasy out of loneliness.
Fantasy provides an escape from the emptiness of Craver's realm. We are looking for 1)
community, 2) for a mirror, 3) for an explanation. 1) [looking for community] is inherent [I
would link this to the] (Continuum concept). It is a natural genetic expectation. 2) the mirror
this is part of [the search for community (no. 1)] but it also helps to rectify [things] if no. 1)
is not met. 3) [Is the] last resort.
105
[The] Orphan is about broken connections.
[Later]
I really healed myself yesterday. So much badness came out of me. I haven't been able to go
there today. Having work to do puts me in ―head‖ space.
I'm rebelling. My essay is due tomorrow at nine but I am going to hand it in later. I am not
prepared to hurt myself more to write this essay. I'm at that point where I'm overcome much
of the illness and feel so relieved that it‘s easy to jump too far too deep too soon. I'm gonna
take things slowly. Very slowly. And no one will rush me. If Prof wants to penalize me.
Fine! It will be spiteful because he knows I'm sick and I'm gonna bring another note.
Tomorrow I will finish off the essay, go to the doctor, hand in my essay, pick up my tutorial
paragraphs and come home and mark them.
My gums are infected. It‘s never been so bad. I flossed and they just swelled up. Now I have
to floss to keep them clean.
I really don't want to push anymore. I don't have to.
Appendix 2: An extract from Claire’s personal diary 2004
One Year later...
20th April 2004
Dizzy, weak, numb hands. Managed to [just] avoid getting a migraine this morning.
Promised myself I would work on connecting with my emotions today. They are so far back
and locked up.
Thursday night's [psycho therapy] session with [my therapist] was hectic. I fell right through
the block[age]. [I] had this picture of myself having a beautiful little house full of mud and I
am living on the roof. I need to excavate, wash clean all the rooms, open doors and live down
there in my house.
106
I'm very far from that right now.
I'm hurting I think. [Its] because of my mother...because she understood me on Saturday
night, because she cared. Because I opened up to her. Because I realized I don't want to let
her go. I don't want to make this change.
And then I saw I had to. That I have to cut loose. And then [I] saw that she'd withdrawn her
love of Saturday night.
And now I'm ashamed of how I was with her. I'm running from my vulnerabilities. I can't
allow myself to feel like I did when I spoke to her ... and she was kind. It hurts so much. It
feels like [I'm] breaking. I could go crazy over this. [My therapist] was right. I can only
handle so much at a time. No wonder the numbness has set in.
I feel endangered. I feel as if I have to disappear for a while. But my body isn't allowing it' I
can't zone out because I start feeling 'migrainy'.
So I promised to make contact. It‘s already helping a bit to write. I feel emotion for seconds
at a stretch. If I try to push – to feel more – it is as if something catches in my throat and
chest – like dry retching. I've actually just got to let go of the feelings when they go.
It‘s terrible that I have been going around for so long with this ability to disconnect. To be
smooth and calm. To 'live on top of my house and forget that it exists'.
Poor me. Poor me, poor me. I really deserve a lot of sympathy.
I've been aware of my disconnecting for ages but I think I've only now seen just how drastic
it can be. I went from one way of being into another in one day on Sunday. From being
convinced that I should keep the loft [which is part of my inheritance for when I turn twenty
five in August] and be supported by my mom; to knowing the only real choice is to take what
I can and leap into the unknown. I watched myself going through that process. I watched as I
struggled to make a choice. I realize why it was so hard. I couldn't feel anything. I had to get
[] to help me talk my way into the emotional aspects of the decision. And then I knew. I
could see that not selling was a symbol of wanting to hold onto a dream of my mother's love.
107
If I don't take her money I have nothing to prove she loves me [with]. And I am afraid of
taking the money from the sale because it is a kind of payout to make up for what is missing
[i.e. My mother's love]
Money + love...so complex. If she could really parent me it would be safe to accept her
support. But she gives money instead of love. I must take my own money and be left with
nothing.
No wonder that now, now that the mandate is signed and the sale [of the loft] is on, I can't go
back to feeling vulnerable. To craving my mother's love. I am too angry. Too stunned by
what I've done. Especially I phoned her on Sunday morning and said maybe we shouldn't
sell. Maybe I can let her help me out [with money instead of selling the flat].
I have to reject her offer of money and let myself still fell a need for her. That‘s the pain. In
her eyes it must seem like I'm fucking with her. [―]Mommy please give me love (money),
mommy I don't want your money (love) [‖].
No wonder I woke up in the middle of the night [after our talk] so adamant that I must not
sell [the loft]. I was an extension of her reality that I'd [unwittingly] stepped into while we
talked. Her presentation of how things could be. ―Come home and we'll look after you, we'll
wrap you up nice and warm in a straight jacket‖. I don't doubt I would have been mentally ill
if I had continued to live with them.
[Later]
It‘s hard not to hope that having this cash will sort everything out. I know it won't. I have to
heal. It may make that a little more possible. It‘s hard not to think of all the things I'm going
to do with it. Thinking about it is a nice kind of escape.
[Later]
I'm watching TV, if I do it for too long at a stretch my fingers start to tingle. Then I switch it
off and focus on my body. I try to feel a sensation of downward flow into my legs. Try to get
grounded.
108
I don't deserve a migraine. I'm doing my best. Tomorrow I'm going for a massage. Tomorrow
night I speak to [therapist] on the phone.
Please, dear body, warn me in other ways. I will listen. I'm trying to stay centered.
I need to talk to someone. All this silence here by myself. It‘s easy to just switch on the TV
for company.
I'm scared to open up. I keep thinking of talking to my mom, being so real with her while
being so unsafe. I knew it too. [I.e. Claire felt betrayed by confiding in her mother].
Body, please just know that I'm not abandoning you. I'm trying to get back to you. I'm trying
to heal you.
[Later]
I feel frustrated. 'What must I do?' I should have gone for a walk. Sitting in my house all day
is not good. I can force myself to feel. I can force myself to be grounded.
[Later]
I'm tired. Exhausted. Can't get comfortable. My back hurts and I need exercise but I just want
to sit down all the time.
Is this ever going to go away?
I'm not sleeping well at the moment because of anxiety. [I] don't want to get a migraine.
21/04/2004
[I had a] weird dream. Especially the part with [my friend]. I've been thinking about her.
About how much she helped me. What could it mean?
I went for my massage. [I] felt more vulnerable than I have before. [I] felt panicky for a
while too. I really relax more when there is pressure and a little pain.
[I] felt great afterwards. Much more grounded. I had more energy too.
109
Appendix 3: An extract from Claire’s personal diary 2005
23 January 2005
[English Professor] has informed me that there is a lecturing job I could take at a University
in Costal City. [The] jury is still out about whether I really want it.
I phoned [my brother]. Feel drained and insecure. He's so pumped up and motivated after his
trip [abroad]. [He] was giving me advice about getting out of my comfort zone etc. etc.
Felt invalidated. Like my whole life is a waste. I began ruminating about the money I've
spent [, money from my inheritance which I have spent on medical therapies]. I felt like I did
after speaking to my father.
NO
My family does this to me. I must recognize that this is how I feel about myself in their
presence. Like a miserable failure who just floats through life with no direction and no real
hopes.
It‘s so hard to know what I want with those feelings. I'd come very clearly to the knowledge
that I want to pursue music and that I'm not that keen on Drama. I drew a [tarot, asking] ―Is it
in my best interest to do Drama 1 at university this year?‖ I got: ―Judgment‖ which seemed
to indicate a resounding yes. But then I heard from [English Professor] and it perhaps refers
to that?
I played [my brother] my song. He seemed to like it. I enjoyed it but by the end of the chat I
rejected it.
I need to hold onto myself. I feel like I have no space – like I'm being crowded. The criticism
has started up.
I think I got sick so that I could do precisely that. [That is] hold onto myself. I need a long
time.
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I see what [my therapist] means by differentiation. I need to know my own life and worth no
matter what my family projects onto me.
[I have] been doing Vipassana meditation. [I] need to be in my body even though it feels
very uncomfortable. It‘s who I am. I realize how hard it is for me to listen and let my body
have its say. It‘s from doing that, that I came to the sense that Drama isn't quite what I want.
Depression and retreat is my way of validating myself. I've always felt more real in those
spaces. I could retreat and tell myself that one day they will know.
God! It's still so important for me to keep away from them [my family].
I just sat with that feeling of indecision and confusion left from that chat with [my brother].
And I see how that is how I've felt most of my life. There is such a feeling of being in
danger.
Tuesday 25th
January 2005
[I] went for UBI [treatment], after first canceling again [because it is so expensive]. I wanted
it. I wanted it to let this thing [this treatment] be done to me.
It's so clear why I feel like I've been raped now. [Dr] UBI is awful. He cannot make the
experience less invasive, more calming and sacred as it should be.
I feel raped. I felt the urge to let it happen even though I knew I had a problem with its
invasive[ness].
[My therapist] made a connection between the needs of babies being breastfed and sexual
abuse. I didn't understand it but now I do. A baby wants to be embraced and enveloped. It
need[s] the total blur[ring] of boundaries. [My therapist] pointed that this becomes
increasingly so as they [start to] make eye contact.
The willingness to surrender in sexual abuse comes from the same need, [it is] an urge to be
overpowered, to give in.
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I have that urge, in an ugly, bad situation I get ―hooked‖ on one pleasant or comforting thing
and allow the rest of the situation to engulf me.
My illness is like that.
My whole approach to the world is like that.
Like my fantasies as a child of being strapped into a sex machine that would do things to me.
Inhuman, uncaring, unnurturing but embracing nonetheless.
This is difficult. I'm barely processing it all. I've just come back from UBI. I've been trying to
contain myself. I feel physically violated.
And when I think about this job I get the same sense. I wake up in the middle of the night
with this intense physical horror of that job. Of packing up and leaving [here]. Fulfilling
some expectation. The pull – the candy – is the actual work. But the rest is not comfortable. I
feel pressurized to go for it – especially by myself. I want to prove myself. I want to be
something.
God! I have an awful time making decisions. It‘s because I cannot allow a full body/being
response to the presented situation as a whole. It would mean breaking the habit of allowing
myself to be raped. It would mean feeling other horrors.
I wasn't aware [the] last time, of DR UBI affect on me.
Last night‘s horror was a childhood feeling. Just like my past UBI feeling. [A] deep loss of
something very personal. Something precious thrown away. It felt like I had already accepted
the job and thrown my life in my University town away. Thrown away my young, sacred,
tentative self who needs to take things slowly.
Thursday 27th January 2005
I told my mother how I felt when I went [home] for Christmas [last year]. I told [her] how
angry I am. I told her that [if] she [had] not caused so much shit then I might not have stayed
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so ill for so long. They could have helped me. Instead it was like people just rolled their eyes
and dismissed me. I've paid dearly for that neglect.
She said that she got flack from my dad and my gran, and that my gran said some things that
I might not like. She said ―You don't stay with Ouma and lean on her. You just don't. She's a
selfish woman!‖ I said yes. I felt like she thought I was crazy. My mother said [my gran had]
said something about my mother needing to take me to hospital.
[My mother] also mentioned that my attitude on arrival freaked her out. My aloof
friendliness. Like I was hiding my anger.
I explained I was hiding nothing! I tried to make her see that I was being true to mixed
feelings. How can I hide something that is supposed.
Friday 20th January 2005
Feel tired. Bone tired. My brain is jammed. Not foggy, just too tired to think.
I'm not going for UBI. I'm not going to look for work. I will take things very slowly. I'm
going to get in touch [with my body/self]
I realize that it‘s my driveness that makes me ill. I still don't feel I have a right to rest. I've
been tackling this illness with all my strength and I can't keep doing it that way. I have to
stay with myself no matter what.
I just feel so very strange. So ungrounded. I feel myself standing in one spot for ages. [I]
can't make up my mind what to do.
I need to rest. Really rest. But I don't know how to let go. I don't want to be in my bedroom. I
feel stuck in there. I think I should change it around a bit. Clear it of bad energy.
I've been pushing myself so hard for so long. It‘s got to stop. It has to stop now.
[Later]
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Drivenness = me = lack of replenishing energy. [It‘s also an] urge towards something
partially satisfying, partially destructive.
There is some energy released when I run into or collapse into one of those bad addictive
situations. Disconnection from myself. Running on adrenaline. Like the high when I get
dressed up and look good. Or the frenzy of finishing a painting that‘s purely done to impress.
The way I went to see DR UBI.
It‘s not sustainable energy. That‘s why I haven't quite been able to follow through on things I
enjoy. That adrenaline (over stimulation) is just too exhausting to maintain.
When I am driven I am denying something in myself. I am overriding some signal.
Like being molested. Overriding the signals that say get out.
Appendix 4: Interview July 2005 - Chronology of the Illness
27/06/2005
Stuart: I would like you to discuss the chronology of the illness.
Claire: I was quite well at the end of 2002. I was running and exercising for the first time
ever – consistently. I started honors [in English at University] in 2003. It was quite
stressful. In first term, about March 2003, I became ill. [The illness, as I now know it
was]…glandular fever, [it lasted]… for about a week. [Although] there was no
proper diagnosis… Dr D [, a medical doctor and acupuncturist] said it was Glandular
fever. I had acupuncture and he was quite sure that it would cure me, and that I
would be fine. I don't think [the acupuncture] … helped at all. I did get better; like
recovering from flu but [the illness] became a constant thing … my heart had a tired
beat. I would be lying down and felt as if I had run a marathon – not palpitations
[yet]. [During this time I experienced recurrent]… bouts of glandular swelling and a
feeling of being generally tired. [At the time I couldn‘t connect the] … persistent
tiredness …with this particular illness. It was only towards the end of the year, after
exams in November…when I was planning to leave for overseas, that …it …
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[became] really bad [or chronic]. [It was then that I]… I knew something was really
wrong. That December I went to the city [to see my parents] and [while there I
experienced]… incredible stress. [This was directly linked to ongoing issues
surrounding my relationship] with my whole family. …I knew [internally at that
time] that this [illness] was a big problem [but did not consciously link it to my
relationship with my family to a great extent]. [I knew then however that] this wasn't
just going to go away.
Back in my University town I was stuck with it for a while, and it wasn't getting
better. It was then that I consulted a homeopath [in a coastal town nearby]. I worked
on it to a point where I could function OK and almost feel like it was just about to get
better. I would [however] … [experience] relapses. This went on for a long time. [I]
then I broke my left ankle. [This was directly after standing up to my mother and
demanding that I receive my trust money because I was twenty five years old]. I
didn't really notice the illness so much [while I was recuperating from my broken
ankle]. [This is because] I was immobile for about three months…and ME
[consequently] took a back seat. I still … [experienced] the heart palpitations… [and
my symptoms resembled] …having [influenza].
[When my] inheritance [money] … came through in October 2004 …I thought OK
lets nail [this disease with medical treatment]. [I started by having]…my fillings out.
[This was because I believed that my symptoms were partly due to mercury toxicity
from fillings] – [as it turned out this was] not such a good idea. It made me much
more ill than I had been [before]. The [experience of the] metal detox[ification] was
very bad. I had mental problems: [such as] …[lack of] concentration, I was
incredibly moody and [even] suicidal. I've been depressed before but [at this time] I
had days of [being seriously preoccupied with] contemplating suicide. The intensity
of [the effects of the metal detoxification] wore off by about January [2005]. [It was
at about that time that] I went to see Dr UBI for UBI. [The UBI treatment]… seemed
to work [at first but] it was very expensive. I went for [treatment for] four weeks in a
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row. It helped a lot, I felt lifted out of a slump and I had the sense that ―OK I am on
the road to recovery.‖ This lasted for about two months and I started planning my life
again. I wanted to go back to University and do [either] Anthropology or Drama. I
was trying to find my passion. It didn‘t seem to come so easily. [It was at about that
time that]…I went away [on a trip, alone,] [in]to the Karoo – [it was meant to be] a
kind of spiritual journey. I found that incredibly difficult, [perhaps because] I hadn't
been away for a long time.
[This Desert rip brought up my recurrent]…issues about being alone [to the surface].
[While there I experienced how when I was alone my consciousness seems to get
stuck] in my head, [so while] sitting with my own thoughts [my experience was that I
could not experience] just being in my body – it really showed me …[my]
mind/body split. [This helped me realize more profoundly]… that I have a serious
desire to work …with spiritual and environmental [healing], [and finding] sacredness
[in my life]. But it was after that that I had my relapse. [I had a] [s]erious [relapse of]
glandular fever (or viral attack) … [which] I sat with [in my flat at University] for
the last 2 months. [It was very frustrating because] I would have two good days [in
which I would try to get my life back again] and then [I would] become sick again.
Appendix 5: Interview July 2005 - Honours Year
28/06/2005
Stuart: When you became ill, it was in that post grad environment [of your English honors
degree at University. [Of h]aving to prepare for seminars and perform in front of
people.
Claire: So true.
Stuart: [Do you think that] maybe moving to that next level caught you out.
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Claire: Ya that was a huge issue during honors, of not feeling like I could go in there and be
who I was. I had to constantly prove myself and pose.
Stuart: You were in quite a brilliant class too, I thought anyway.
Claire: Ya, we were, [there was] a lot of pretentiousness.
Stuart: And lots of fragile egos. Artistic competitiveness?
Claire: Snobbery, particularly in this department.
Claire: There was a lot going on. I thought how can I be real in this environment – I felt like I
was posturing, even when I was at home alone reading the books. I was so out of
myself – I felt like I was playing a role [even] while I was reading. I hated that, I felt
split. It‘s all about the ‗Canon‘, society and the institution, you are being initiated,
you have to prove yourself. It was not about my education. Many of the novels were
about the rebellious spirit and the wakeful soul, but they were presented in such an
inaccessible way. When I think about honors and let myself go back there I just want
to cry, I am angry for pushing myself to keep going – again it‘s that idea of ―I am so
pathetic‖, ―if I stop now...‖ ―my wanting to stop is a sign of my weakness‖. So this
need to push through it [was a big issue for me], and I definitely wanted to stop. I
thought about [pulling out] a lot. Sure it‘s given me something, it‘s useful but it‘s
also – I don‘t think I would have been so ill if I had pulled out. I mean that whole trip
to [a remote coastal village] was like – huh – I could breathe again – I felt like there
is a bigger world – I'm taking this knitty gritty seriousness so seriously, and I just
want to get out. I was trying too hard to make friends with people who are just [not
worth it for me because they are operating on different assumptions about the world]
- I wish I could go back there and just hug myself – I would say: ―Claire, pack your
bags and get out of here‖.
The head of department wants people to prove themselves to her. You‘ve got to
always be sharp and witty and clever – even if you are, she can feel so threatened by
you, she misunderstands you and pounces on you. It‘s this game of trying to please
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her all the time – you've got to really suck up to her – cower a bit before she takes
you seriously – but not if you are a boy, if you are a boy you can say anything you
want and she will like you.
Appendix 6: Interview July 2005 - Parents
Stuart: I would like you to expand a little on your past, on your parents' and your experiences
during childhood. And how you moved from one school to another snooty, snobbish
school. It‘s known throughout the country that upmarket city dwellers can be [the
biggest] snobbs, [it can be] very cliquey [down there and you went into one of the
cliquiest schools in the city, in the country.
Claire: Ya
Stuart: A little girl from a working class neighborhood at the time].
Claire: It was not cool [for me].
Stuart: Both of your parents are not native English speakers, yet you have a more proper
English accent than I do [coming from a self consciously English background].
[Getting back your experiences at school,] I saw a program about an Australian girl‘s
school, which was about how vicious girls can be at school, especially to the odd one
out. Even when they were caught on camera the girls denied being nasty, and it was
very nasty, symbolically. They were so sassy… onto it. Now you were thrown into a
school, with all the little rich kids. This vulnerable, emotionally sensitive ‗little
thing‘…
Claire: Jesus
Stuart: So do you think that your experiences there reinforced what your mother had said to
you, namely ―that it s not safe out there.‖ What I saw on that program seemed to
show that some children can get beaten up, literally but albeit symbolically, everyday
at school.
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Claire: Precisely. I mean I needed school to be a safe place and I was also – looking at the
[shaman teacher]'s thing: puberty is a key time – things that happen then [can] really
imprint on you because things are happening at that point [of one‘s life]. [I think]
that‘s how I was imprinted [at an ego level of being able to cope] - on how to relate
to groups. [The rules that I learnt there are:] ―You fuck'n check out who is the power
player in the group. You make sure you keep them in your eye at all times and then
check how the people rank. Where do they rank, what are the energy exchanges.
When I am sitting with a group of people I want to know exactly what‘s what at the
table and it‘s only when I know where I stand with every single person that I can
relax and come out of myself.
Stuart: [That (knowing where you stand) is something] you can't know [and] so you never do
[come out of yourself].
Claire: Ya. You know I felt angry because I got a lot of flak for my poor behavior in this
[Tantra] course. But you know Jees, how are you supposed to behave when you...are
under threat, but I think they do that on purpose as well, to see how people behave
under stress. That‘s what they want to see.
Stuart: Ya. That‘s the whole point, they want to push your buttons...and then see [what
happens]. You have also mentioned about being the 'go between' between your
parents. As the eldest (not even any older cousins) ...well the oldest [child] takes
most of the flack and you say [repeatedly] how they [, including your father],
―fucked up on you‖ [with regards to their parental skills]. It‘s a terrible thing to say.
Now your parents got divorced and your were the one in between them trying to
maintain order. I am thinking of 'Absolutely Fabulous' where the daughter rebels
against the mother's rebelliousness. So were you the serious one…
Claire: True. I am trying to think where the illness comes in because I was sick all the
through my childhood.
Stuart: [getting off] school.
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Claire: All through, even before [school] I was always the sick one. I had asthma, allergies,
pneumonia, flu – I kept going in and out of school [because of my illnesses]...You
know it was [hard] and I am trying to think how that relates to all of this.
Stuart: Who treated you when you when you were sick?
Claire: I went to doctors, my mother also [treated me] for various things. But it was also just
a need to opt out of being so stressed most of the time. The incredible tension of
having to be so alert and so tuned into what is going on around me. Being sick is an
incredible relief. It‘s like I can just ... [or rather] people can just leave me alone. I
won't get a lot of flack when I am sick, I'll just be able to turn inward and shut the
world out for a while. That was mostly the feeling then.
Stuart: [So it is] almost as a counter [measure] to your mother's terrible threats. You told me
[earlier] that she breaks the [sacred] rules [of motherhood]; [she] goes too far.
Claire: Ya. {quietly}
Stuart: To make that threat unreal, [to make your mother] not [to] have crossed that
boundary, you become ill and say...
Claire: Will you take care of me.
Stuart: [or] ―I am being taken care of [while] I am not performing [as a good girl should and]
so [I am] breaking down the fear of the 'unrealness'.‖
Claire: Also when I think of, again…Ya, I mean if my mother is constantly, like trying to get
[inside my head]....fucking with me and playing games with me, and you know
putting me in these different roles. Even at six [years old] I was apparently really –
well she accuses me of being so cruel. Maybe six is too early, perhaps a little older.
And [she was] never really engaging with me. Getting sick is the same as shutting
down – that might happen during sex or when I get into a rage. It‘s like, nuh, it‘s a
power thing - ―you can't budge me.‖ Kind of like a catatonic [person].Its ―I‘m taking
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my power here‖ [in being non-cooperative]. ―One thing you cannot do [is] you can't
actually make me better‖.
Stuart: [You mean you are saying (metaphorically)] ―you can't move me.‖
Claire: Ya, ―you have no control over me being sick or getting well‖. It‘s very interesting.
Stuart: So. It‘s like from a personal perspective, [because] I've never really been sick...just
one of those people who has never been to hospital, I've had appendicitis ...it healed
itself, my doctor gave me orange juice [liqui fruit was quite a treat back then] and
bad tonsillitis but it healed itself. I tried, like shit, to get out of school when I was
younger. My mother would come in with a thermometer… she was a nurse. I tried
very hard to bullshit her and every single time - [she would say] ―No, you are going
to school.‖ I couldn't ever – even when I didn't want to go to school, even when I
made myself believe I was ill [and] made myself feel sick – but my mother wouldn't
believe me… and so five minutes later would be feeling fine again.
Claire: I just had an interesting thought. Maybe I got sick to frustrate my mother because it
made her feel weak. It was like she, Ya...With my shaman teacher when I went into
shut down and he was like ―stop doing this to frustrate me,‖ I actually felt quite a lot
of satisfaction by the fact that I was frustrating him.
Stuart: Really?
Claire: You know that‘s it, it‘s a punishment.
Stuart: Ya?
Claire: It makes my mother...my mother keeps telling me [that] as a child ―Oh I'm [i.e.
Claire] so much stronger‖ and that ―I am actually fucking with her.‖ Ya ... So, there
is this total disbelief about myself. I can't....All the power that I might have in my
own life gets used against me. So in a sense I need to be in a space where I no longer
have power, and that‘s being sick. [Its] like my body takes over my choices for me.
Because when I make the choices my mother uses them against me. This is a choice
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she can't use against me. But then obviously the sickness is against me. Sorry this is
new, now is the first time I've thought about it. This is interesting...
Stuart: Very
Claire: Ya.
Stuart: Related to this, how in the social context (family, neighborhood) when a child is ill
there is an implicit notion of so called ―bad motherhood.‖ There are certain socially
embedded rules or laws about how a mother should treat or deal with a sick child.
Now what I am thinking is that as a child you were angry, you have no other
appropriate way to express this so you become ill, say, and your mother freaks out
because you are ill. Your mother had issues because of her mother‘s silence with the
child abuse (incest) – so when you are ill it is a way of getting back at her. And at the
same time it may also be a cry for help that extends outside the family. It made your
mother angry because there is, perhaps, implicitly something wrong with a mother
with a sick child.
Claire: You are saying it was just a way of expressing how she was hurting me.
Stuart: Not only between the two of you but to everyone else…
Claire: Ya, a way of communicating that I was being hurt. Ya, I mean that‘s really where I
started from. In terms of ―Oh, I‘m being hurt.‖ And so I get sick to express it because
I can‘t express it in another way. But I think Ya, this aspect of control… - because I
have been trying to work out what I understand about being sick, being a victim of
being in control. I haven‘t been able to work it back to my childhood –but now I
think I see it.
Stuart: OK….Your frustration with the Shaman teacher on the course; was that [frustration
from] controlling yourself or someone else.
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Claire: Someone else or taking my power. At least having some sense of power when I feel
like I am being controlled… Sorry this is bringing up stuff for me…Sorry I‘m going
into therapy mode…but this is new. I don‘t know if you want to skip it.
Stuart: No, it‘s OK [carry on].
Claire: I was just recognizing if I had to get sick just to stop the process that was going on
with my mother, it just brings back the incredible frustration and tension that I must
have been living with…That was the only way I could say stop…or gain some sort of
foothold. Jees, it must have been hectic mmm …huh.
Stuart: You are doing very well Claire.
Claire: it‘s just like VVV…energy moving through me….
Stuart: [a short while later]… Now… there are some say if you don‘t play sports that it can
hurt or damage your confidence. Just to add onto all the rest [of your childhood
woes].You never played sports – [I mean] interaction in that game setting – that
experience. Almost all your experience has been interpersonal [as opposed to being
part of a group interacting with another group as you would get in sports].
Claire: Ya
Stuart: Even this [shamanic] course (besides everything else) it is a kind of social
intersubjective, a verbal eye to eye [kind of] communication scenario, not expressing
yourself with your body through netball, running, swimming…that kind of physical,
organic game with someone else, [with you] its always intellectual or the
interpersonal side [of interactions that you partake in].
Claire: you are talking about having my body in the social sphere. No I haven‘t played
sports. The only time my body was out in the social sphere was in drama – so there is
always that thing of acting and how I am being seen. It‘s an external relationship…
Stuart: you loved [drama] and you were brilliant [at it]
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Claire: Loved it.
Stuart: But you were the one in your class who got the roles.
Claire: I don‘t know if it was talent or just enthusiasm. It was just acting out the games I was
already playing [anyway].
Stuart: It also expanded your network of friends?
Claire: Ya...It was a lot of fun – it allowed me to experience dialogue, the dialogue I would
create on my own would not have been so fluid. Whereas on stage its set up, you
experience, by acting, by staging what I should be experiencing in life anyway. Now
that I think about that, it might also be the case. I can play with you, you can pretend
to love me, and see how it would be like to be in a real exchange which on my own I
still [even now] struggle to do.
Stuart: Outside of drama, what was your network [of friends] like? Your personal network
[of friends.]
Claire: Ridiculous, because I moved around so much – my parents were coming and going.
Stuart: How many times did you move …?
Claire: So many times, before the age of two I had moved three times, two crèches, five
schools… I usually moved school because of the fact that I was not very happy in the
school…I was having issues…the stress was obviously just because of stuff going on
at home.
Stuart: When I was at school I never even knew I had a choice…
Claire: But you have to understand my parents were like these liberal funky…
Stuart: New Age?
Claire: Ya, they were completely rebelling against anything conservative, no matter how
good or bad it was… they threw the baby out with the bathwater…completely.
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Stuart: No structure?
Claire: No structure.
Stuart: And your parents thought that because ‗we‘ live in such a bad society – any structure
is bad.
Claire: Ya
Stuart: Therefore you could push and there would be no boundary
Claire: Ya
Appendix 7: Interview September 2005 - Claire’s Literature Review
The Last Taped Interview with Claire before she leaves for the city (this is after her return
from the Tantra course).
Stuart: My aim today is to go over the last month or so, starting when or rather after you read
the three important books. I would like to briefly review them, and then go onto how
you found the course you have been on etc. It‘s a loose interview and I think now is a
good time because you are still fresh for your course. I think let‘s start with Derrick
Jensen which for you I see as the end of a process which began with making friends
with [] and loving your lecturer‘s [environmental and materialist] History course
Claire: Ya, exactly it was excellent
The door that opened for me was: the idea of illness being more than an individual
process – it being a kind of societal thing. It seems clichéd but [No] – the illness of
[Derrick Jensen's] father being the denial [inherent in Western] culture. The same
violence that his father acted on him [as a child], is the violence that is acted on the
environment… [it is] by the same process of denial.
Stuart: Denial of...
Claire: Denial of self, of one's own pain...I can't remember the book so well.
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Stuart: [So] pain and illness has a larger function in an environmental global view – we need
to feel pain – we need the people [of the world] to feel the pain [for Gaia].
Claire: In order to stop the behavior.
Stuart: Pain and illness as...
Claire: A warning sign [that] abides changed behavior or to unfold new behavior.
Stuart: So do you think that there is anything in Derrick Jensen's book that allows you to
express...
Claire: Derrick Jensen..., the idea of pain and illness as guides to stop, to change the
situation, to change the world...
Stuart: Behavior...
Claire: Ya, to affect change on an external level. To recognize violence on an external level –
whereas [Arnold] Mindell is more pain and illness as creating change on the inside,
more of an internal unfoldment of the soul, the process of dreaming and... they are
two sides of the same coin.
Stuart: Ecopsychology, especially the one reader you read...you have a bachelor‘s degree in
Psychology, which were the specific readings in that reader that enticed you.
Claire: It was actually...that book was an extension of Derrick Jensen. It was very much the
world crying out in pain through our illness. The disconnection with the world
resulting in illness, and also being used as a means of reconnecting with the
environment.
Stuart: These books don't really speak about friendship networks – it‘s about healing the
world but in the little I read of Derrick Jensen's book, he is ostracized by society. He
works through it, he has some theories that illness is not and individual problem,
only for me there seems to be a contradiction because if your group is part of the
illness and [Derrick Gensen] criticizes [them] from the point of view of the
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environmental perspective...if he doesn't believe they are right, and then he
verbalizes it he gets ostracized himself. Isn't he isolating himself again? Does he
replace the social with the environment of 'Nature' itself?
Claire: Ya you may be right...
Stuart: Is sharing experiences with fellow travelers very important to you... [I am] not
[talking about] just anyone. For example you found it difficult to connect with your
old friends from your undergrad days. They were so mundane and profane to you.
Claire: I think for me the issue of connection... [is a big one], I struggle to connect [with
people]
Stuart: To whom.
Claire: To anything, to everything. I struggle to connect with work, with life, with particular
people, with anything - with the environment – with my body – with my emotions. I
need to re-establish that [connection].
Stuart: Arnold Mindell...the process work is almost, for me [anyway, about going] past being
afraid to express yourself through being ill.
Claire: It is interesting it is almost like through [Arnold] Mindell it gives [me] permission to
connect with the illness. If I can't connect with that experience...
Stuart: Experience is important?
Claire:… and let that experience be my guide. So I am not running, I am not disconnecting
further from my illness experience - [by saying OK lets] see what 'it' wants to do,
where it is taking me?...What is it about?
Stuart: Finding meaning in the body? When you are in denial, you just want to
[recover]...[you think] if you can just connect with consensus reality, everything
must be 'well', 'the wellness revolution' [implies] you have to medicate [even when
you are not ill], you have to be proactive etc. or else your body will become out of
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line with what is normal and therefore you have to apply remedial remedies to bring
the body back into line, whereas Mindell [starts from the position] of saying no – the
body is 'out of line' because it wants to express itself and [by not listening] you are
just trying to stonewall it...How does that work for you?
Claire: that's right, I don't know
Stuart: You mentioned that you were reading all these books but you have read a lot of other
books before this, so these were rather part your long term process of trying to find
meaning [in general], through all the books that you have been reading, all the
alternative, pluralistic things that you have been doing (sorry too academic). You
were ready to understand the books you read in your way. I am sure that you had
heard of shamanism before, but it is interesting that you were saying that you had a
talk with your grandmother and then you opened up a path there before you found
your shaman teacher's site on the web.
Claire: Oh right, Ya. I said ―help me find‖ [to my deceased grandmother]....I was thinking I
was interested in this stuff, reading ecopsychology and Mindell, [I was thinking that]
this is what I would love to do. Then I just thought, you know I can't be the only
person in my country who is interested in this, surely more people – who are older
and wiser than me…are doing this [neo-shamanistic/process orientated work]– [my
country] can't be that backward. And so that's when I said to my grandmother: ―Fine,
OK, help me to find the people‖ and then I found it on the net.
Stuart: Besides that, the fact that you actually asked was important because you had had
unresolved problems with her.
Claire: Ya, I didn't really feel comfortable with my grandmother, I had this idea that she was
around and uh, ya I have been tense around her [presence], so I suppose again it is up
to a connection… ―OK allow life in, open up, just open up to possibilities, don't
[hold onto the] need to control so much, [thinking] is this appropriate or isn‘t this
appropriate or whatever‖.
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Stuart: In other words an either or mentality…
Claire: Yes I'll take this risk [I thought to myself].
Stuart: [You mean that you decided to] take the help from grandmother even though her
actions [with regard to not protecting your mother from your grandfather‘s sexual
abuse] have had fucked up consequences [for your mother and yourself].
Claire: Ya
Stuart: What do you think about family constellations...
Claire:....
Stuart: Is it mostly an unformulated idea...sorry I am sweeping through things here, I have
been talking too much...
Appendix 8: Interview July 2005 - Food and Categories
Stuart: What about the food regimen and the strict categories.
Claire: It is an artificial sense of control, an artificial kind of feeling of ―this is who I am, this
is what I stand for because I am so afraid of losing myself‖, [of being] afraid of the
threat of being flexible in the world. Just before the workshop I realized how [I had
reached the stage that] every food [group] was poisonous – I can't eat this because it
is full of chemicals, this food is grown in this part of the country, I must rather eat
the organic, mustn't eat meat because it is really morally unsound...in the end the
world is just this dirty polluted scary place and I am probably better off if I don't eat
at all. ―Don‘t drink water, breath the air‖. That is how it was starting to go. Ya it is
all the same idea.
Stuart: [What about] when you became a vegetarian? Well when I became a vegetarian I was
trying to escape the society‘s [white male] stereotype and the ideals [bound up with
that identity]. I needed that then and it cut my circle of friends down. That‘s when I
met you. [What you eat] here [in the university town, in our country tends to]
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…‘group you‘ [into] ‗veggie‘ vs. ‗meat-eater‘. Eating with people can be interpreted
symbolically as taking energy with them [don‘t you think?].
Claire: Ya, for me it was a way out of my family – [looking back it could be interpreted as:]
―I am not going to be part of you guys‖.
Stuart: I didn't drink tea for ten years [when I was young because I was singled out as being
too young to drink coffee while my brother (only 13 months older than me) was
allowed to drink coffee]...
Claire: this illness has been a separating factor, something that has pulled me out of my
family, I blamed them for it and I still kind of do. I'm still angry with them. But it‘s
shown me, God, that I don't really want to be separate from my family. [Being apart
from my family] doesn't make me happy. [I have decided that] I can't live in
resentment always, [but until recently] I haven't understood how.
It‘s how my shaman teacher – his whole thing is about adulthood – [is that] sure you
have got to go and retrieve the inner child [as I have been doing with my therapist to
a large degree], [to] look and see and find the original wounds deal with them and
experience them, and all of that but the point is not to recover the inner child. It is to
grow up, to find the inner adult because that‘s what you are now. I have not wanted
to grow up, because growing up means entering this harsh world.
Appendix 9: Interview July 2005 - Visualising the Body
Stuart: how do you visualize your body – i.e. as a picture? Chinese doctors see a flow of chi
or energy, Homeopaths are electrically orientated and doctors are chemical...could
you expand on this.
Claire: Both the western and the alternative medical therapies I have chosen have based their
views on the idea of the body needing to be controlled. Of some will that needs to be
acted upon the body. So it is like this thing that is not behaving well and needs to be
managed – so that it will fit again [into the consensus].
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Stuart: Can you quantify or qualify that statement in terms of what is done or said in that
regard.
Claire: I [have] completely avoided Western Medicine, in particular because it isolates parts
of the body, breaks it up into pieces and they almost seem uninterested in the rest of
you. So that if I go to a doctor now with a urinary tract infection, they will give me
an antibiotic for it. Go back two weeks later with a chest cold, they will treat it and
not look at the bigger connection. Whereas homeopathy, the image is more of the
body being off balance or out of kilter...and by giving the body back the thing that it
is seeking in the unbalance – the disease itself – [the body is healed]. So the
homeopath will give you the thing that makes you ill in a certain dose to, kind of, get
the body to pull itself into the opposite direction. It is more geared towards health. I
also use herbal stuff, which is on the same principal as western medicine.
Stuart: but it has fewer side effects.
Claire: but they do have side effects, it is different from homeopathy, it is a chemical thing.
Homeopathy, [like the other two] still treats the symptoms. This is frustrating
because every time you treat the symptoms, it‘s just this endless pursuit of the right
remedy and this gets treated, then something else flares up, it just goes on and on.
Stuart: Am I asking the right questions?
Claire: Acupuncture is about opening up blockages. It seems to work for me, when it is
working on an organ, but not so much on a general condition. When the liver is not
in sync acupuncture challenges the energy to flow again – it encourages the flow.
Stuart: Have you used massage treatment.
Claire: A little, I find it too gentle, I felt I needed something more drastic.
Stuart: What about [your kinesiologist].
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Claire: She does Kinesiology, which is based on muscle testing. She has lists of issues and
illnesses, parts of the body, how things work and then you set particular intentions to
shift this. Then she tests you whether it has changed. It is like working precariously
with the body. Using words and gestures but it doesn't enter into the conscious and
logical mind in any way, but it is still verbal and somehow that is supposed to have
an effect on the body. Frankly I didn't feel like it did anything. It didn't work for me
because, particularly with my illness, I need to grapple with it logically and I need to
... it is an emotional expression that needs to happen. Whereas that doesn't encourage
that sort of thing.
Stuart: So what you are trying to say is that your body is trying to speak to you and you are
making it unconscious instead.
Claire: Ya and also kinesiology is about trying to get it back in balance. Whereas if I look at
Mindell, the idea of rather extending the imbalance to understand what [the body] is
trying to say so if the body is achy in this spot then you say – make it more sore –
just extend that pain, go into the pain – exaggerate the pain, speak the message of the
pain, pull your body into the position of the pain and then the whole picture comes
out. Whereas kinesiology and all kinds of other medicine is just about shutting that
message down.
Stuart: So how does this fit into the wellness revolution.
Claire: It might not be your body, your mind, your soul for it to be in a position set for that
ideal.
Stuart: I still don't see where Mindell fits into the Wellness revolution.
Claire: OK a quote – health (good physical health) might not be the best thing for the soul,
curing the body...
Stuart: Wellness assumes peak health at all times – that is what we are supposed to be –
illness is when something is wrong, Mindell therefore has a new way of seeing
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illness, illness is a challenge for the soul, in the bigger scheme it is not necessarily
wrong.
Claire: Nothing is 'wrong,' just uncomfortable. It‘s painful, it‘s in discordance with maybe
your environment but it is something new, it is a creative thing that is happening.
Stuart: Do you remember your own metaphor of having to 'work on yourself' all the time,
what do you think about your shaman teacher's koan about the working twice as hard
can sometimes cause you to take twice as long.
Claire: Ya, exactly because I really believed that there was something wrong with me. It was
like I was different from other people and I had to catch up with the rest of the world
and the standard they had set.
Stuart: That is what I have found so frustrating about my stammer, if I work more
consciously with it, it normally gets worse.
Claire: Try making it worse, play with it, exaggerate the feeling of it.
Stuart: If you can't control your body, like me with this speech, the way it is supposed to be
controlled – if you fight, you are working against it all the time...maybe you are
creating the problems by pushing yourself away from the body.
Claire: [My therapist] said this thing to [my friend] - ―why don't you give your body its own
autonomy‖ - both us were like ―huh? No! You can't just give the body its own
autonomy – it‘s like – it will want to just eat and I'll get fat or it‘s like a child that
needs to be roped in.‖
Stuart: Ya women's relationships with their bodies and consensus reality. Just think about
period ads ―now I can swim when I want to.‖
Claire: Ya, now women can be free because they have found a way to control their periods,
which means you can only be free if no one knows you have your period.
Stuart: Only if you can hide all the symptoms are you free.
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Claire: Freedom is becoming more androgynous.
Stuart: Think about men for a while, ―man is a machine,‖ our bodies are pushed to excel.
Claire: We have performance anxiety, when we consider it a performance- they consider it
life. Everything‘s about how well I am performing in relation to other people
Stuart: Moving between practitioners, how do you speak about your body?
Claire: Dr UBI annoys me, he knows too much – because he knows too much, you know, he
is an expert – he is not interested in my body – he is interested in 'the body.' 'The way
the body works' and he knows exactly, statistically if it does not respond within so
long then, within three weeks then it means that I have got this problem or that
problem. Then you get the bad news because it hasn't responded. He just makes it
feel as if everything is so set and structured – there is no fluidity and you are doomed
or you can be saved. He is just a medical doctor – the machine [i.e. The body] is
working or it isn't working.
Stuart: So male, western – the idea that he can fix it. Finding the Holy Grail, that missing link
that will solve everything.
Claire: It made me so depressed when it did not work, he said it would – when it didn't I felt
like a complete failure. And that is why it has been so important for me to find the
way that I am not a failure. He doesn't understand the deeper level of what is
happening. He never made any promises
Stuart: He has to believe in his own remedy to be able to do it in good faith.
Claire: He has holistic ideas but… [still conforms to the orthodox medical viewpoint].
Appendix 10: Interview July 2005 - The Victim
Stuart: OK. Please go through the initial problems you had when you spoke to your shaman
teacher. There was the money issue, you were uncertain of him at first and you
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pulled out of going. How did you finally decide to go? Was it a cathartic thing or did
you just say ―fuck it‖ [because you were desperate for anything], how did it go...
Claire: Well speaking to him on the phone, I saw this course and I thought, after I read the
web site, that there were things there that looked interesting. But there were other
things that I wasn't so sure about. I thought let me try – it‘s appropriate, it‘s soon, its
close by, and I can do it – let me try. Immediately on the phone I sensed something
quite scary, I felt, immediately, a bit threatened and at the same time fascinated. Like
I want to do this but I was already quite sacred. He said [later] that was probing me
on the phone.
Stuart: What type of things were you talking about?
Claire: He wanted now who I am, what am I doing. Where have I been the last year... [I told
him] I've been sick, chronic fatigue. This immediately put up a flag for him. OK, he
has his categories of what is connected to chronic fatigue...Ok so probably home
issues with relationships, and that kind of thing. I said ya its true. He said ―I'm just
checking, I'm pushing you a bit, I want to see how far you can go.‖ I said ―Fine.‖
Then he said ―how have you been able to support yourself.‖ ―Well I've had some money that
I inherited.‖ ―Ya, he said sometimes more of a curse than a blessing.‖ And I said
―YES‖ and he kind of kept pushing me a bit and
Stuart: He seemed to hone in on a few things quite quickly.
Claire: Ya he does- very quickly. He's very smart... [but] he doesn't stop talking [its]
annoying, he doesn't really listen...he just kind of [talks at you]
Stuart: That pisses you off about people
Claire: Yes it really does...After talking to him I couldn't sleep that night, I felt very tense,
like ―what the hell is going on‖, I felt really shaken by the conversation.
Stuart: Did you have any dreams related to that.
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Claire: I can't remember, I'll look it up. I kind of sensed that this was going to be about –
almost remolding the ego.
Stuart: How do you define the ego?
Claire: Ego is defenses. How you learn to cope with the world… sometimes not very well.
You can kind of attach to certain behaviors and feelings.
Stuart: Your preciousness?
Claire: Ya, my preciousness. I immediately phoned him the next day and said that I get the
sense that this is going to be an emotional boot camp...And he said ―no, no don't
worry about it‖ – but it has actually turned out to be quite hectic. And then I got
really sick. The fear, the fear I think of knowing that I am going to an initiation of
some sort. Knowing that this is going to shake me up. It‘s going to rearrange the
circumstances that I have set up for myself. And really wanting to be all that but also
feeling quite daunted. And [as] you know I started to have quite serious thoughts
about pulling out. And I got very ill. I phoned him about it and he said ―I've heard all
of this before‖ - he said ―take heart and just come along‖. Ya so I did. I just threw
myself in there. And when I arrived I was like ―What the fuck am I doing here.‖ It
felt like death.
Stuart: How was this compared to your other trip into the Karoo when you wanted to
commune with nature. You are [in my opinion] still very people orientated [and] you
thrive on interaction.
Claire: Ya
Stuart: But [till now] you haven't been able to get what you wanted.
Claire: It‘s this ambivalence I have about being close to people. I get so lonely and I want to
interact and I know that there is this really spontaneous engaging part of me – I want
to have fun and just play with people – but it comes to a point and then I go into a
block – I just can't push past that block and I just withdraw. It‘s this
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ambivalence...Like I really want to be with you then I really don't want to be with
you at all and ya I feel...
Stuart: Is it part of your illness, you feel ill, you can't hang in there and put up with...
Claire: Well what‘s come up for me about the illness is, its… my mother has this attitude
about herself and about everything that she has been through in her life – its she's a
victim and she's um – 'this is just the way she is' – she is like forever going to be like
this – and everyone around her must just accommodate her and everything just kind
of gets fed into that persona. So even the work she does is just feeding that image of
herself.
Stuart: The fact that she is the victim [is a paradox] because she is the bread winner and the
sick one [at the same time while your father is the healthy one who cannot work].
Claire: Ya
Stuart: It makes it tragic.
Claire: Ya everything is tragic, and I think I have held onto that, that idea of being the victim
and being so sick and so sad. And I see how that is a measure of control in my life –
being the victim – is... ―Oh look at me, Oh I must be handled so carefully‖. It allows
me to handle my environment. It means I never have to surrender anything because I
have to be dealt with so carefully – so it allows me to stay in control a bit. I can say
―oh, you can't do that because I'm so hurt‖; and I think that‘s where ―being precious‖
comes in.
Stuart: If your mother is the bread winner and the victim how do you think that would make
you think about going into the bread winning role for yourself. Taking on her role as
breadwinner means then also taking on that illness too – it‘s a paradox if the strong
one [compared to your father] is the victim too.
Claire: Week no, the paradox is that if you are the strong one, no one will love you. Its only
if you are you are the weak one that people will take care of you and will love
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you...so I think [in that way] it is part of it. But I just want to get back to the victim
thing because it‘s subtle but it is so important. I don't want...I mean run back into
―Oh but I'm so hurt‖ because I don't want to be with life in its own creative way, so I
don't want to interact with another that is unpredictable. As soon as something is
unpredictable I get scared and I withdraw. And that is what really knowing someone
is about; it‘s taking that risk to be with something unpredictable. If I am sick I can
more or less control my environment. So it‘s odd that being the victim is actually a
measure of control.
Stuart: On this [Tantra] course you have been challenged as far as people accepting your
victimhood.
Claire: Ya
Stuart: And normally that is how you structure your relationships – in a way. You go out
there and if people don‘t see you, then you can think this or that person is a real
bastard...
Claire: Ya
Stuart: So in this, game, this sacred space, people really take you on...
Claire: Ya
Stuart: It‘s hurtful but...
Claire: It‘s funny what happens because [my shaman teacher] wasn't taking my victim thing
seriously. I saw then how the control then expanded. I got into quite a power struggle
with my shaman teacher. That became an obsessive power struggle that I often get
into. [When I was there] I couldn't even take him saying anything to me about what
he has recognized. I would always say ―oh yes I know that‖. Ya I really picked that
up. In fact [I thought] ―you can't teach me anything... I am already on top of it.‖ It
was coming out in ways at dinner, lunch, picking up trays... [once [something
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dropped onto the table and I was ―oo I saw that coming.‖ You know I'm always
actually in control, on top of things. I can't bear to let go.
Stuart: When we had dinner in the city with your family, my brother and his friend...you like
to place people at the dinner table.
Claire: Ya [laughs] but that worked nicely didn't it.
Stuart: [So you think that only] ―If I can control everyone, everything will be OK...then I can
relax‖
Claire: Ya...It‘s exactly the case. I mean it‘s this thing I have noticed – where if I am sitting
in a group with four other people.[If] two of the people get a little tense [with each
other]... [if] they are not really understanding each other, Yo! I get scared. It‘s like
my whole body starts to burn and I want to jump in and start explaining what‘s
happening...And this is just my parents.
…continuation
Stuart: OK let‘s get back to the present. From the moment that you decided to pay for the
course. Tell me about the pre-course work, the quest…
Claire: Talked about it. What is it you want…?
Stuart: OK I was talking primarily about making the decision to go on the course, it is an
expensive course and I know how freaked you have been about spending money on
your treatments before. Take the UBI treatment for example. You had the idea when
your money came through that you should throw your money at the problem of your
illness. The other expenses were for physical treatments, the UBI was on the physical
plane. At the time [I presume] you were thinking, get the body ‗right‘ and everything
else will flow. But that didn‘t really work for you…
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Claire: You see in terms of this one [i.e. the shamanistic course] it was exactly – it was
working in a completely different way. And I was basically suicidal [before I
decided.]
Stuart: I know, I remember – I was here and said that we would do whatever it takes…
Claire: Ya, it got to that, I mean the desperation just to reconnect to people, to be engaged
with something that I enjoy. It really looked like something I could enjoy.
Stuart: How did you compare that to having your fillings pulled out and the UBI? You were
in a different [space]
Claire: I [thought] I was on top of it, I felt like I was in charge, and I could decide to apply
this…
Stuart: You were going to choose your experts, use your power [which] you had gained
[through inheriting your trust money].
Claire: It was different; this time around it was much more about surrendering. Before the
other one‘s were much more about control.
Stuart: Could you explore the two modes of treatment through your breakthrough [which you
had earlier concerning] …control. There are essentially two modes of treatment that
you [have] had. Well three with your psychotherapy.
Claire: OK…I have a problem with surrendering; this is a block that I am encountering with
interacting with people. The moment it gets to the point when I have to surrender I
have to let somebody in and I have to start accepting gifts and I have to accept
potential – what I was saying – unpredictability. That is when I back off. So with
being sick I think it was also a sickness which requires a measure of surrender …
[surrender] that I haven‘t wanted. And the illness and the treatments have all been
about control and about getting more on top of things, whereas the choice to go into
this experience; A) I didn‘t quite know what I was doing. I was really putting my
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body and mind – my being into a space that I knew was going to require things of me
that I would feel uncomfortable with, and that I need at the same time.
So I was really opening up and taking a risk, more than the other ones were.
Stuart: When did you decide to move to the city? After, during…
Claire: Just before – I realized on my homework assignment – the drive out - I realized that I
am not engaging – how closed my life has become. How by exercising so much
control, [my life] has become so narrow. And I realized that in my university town it
is difficult for me to step out of that narrowness. I need [more]…its hard in my
university town to generate the stuff that I like – I know a lot of people too [in the
city] – you can make a life for yourself. I am not in a space where I can really do that
yet – I need to go to a place where things are already happening – when I realized
that – I started thinking about going to the city. The course just brought that [to a
head]. I talked to people doing cool stuff, living lives, doing amazingly interesting
things. That was like, OK, I‘ve got to do this.
Stuart: The world had called out to you. Pulled you into it.
Claire: Ya, also I‘ve had so much doubt about myself. Before I went on the first course, it‘s
like [I was] really in victim mode. Like I‘m so sick, I can‘t do it. Why would I be
able to do it? That‘s what‘s been changed on this last course. It‘s like I‘m actually
much stronger than I think.
Stuart: Can I ask you about your web research. What kind of information did you get from
other M.E. patients – blogs, work groups – what was the general prognosis. What
was the difference between web research and meeting people on the course who had
M.E...? And to you what was it like for you to hear their own experience, through the
course, and seeing how they were managing to deal with it, versus your private web
research, which I presume was primarily based on the biomedical paradigm at the
time.
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Claire: When I spoke to people on the course, they weren‘t that different from me and from
people I‘ve read about – I actually felt Jees, I‘ve done quite a lot better than they
have. I‘ve kept up my energy quite a lot compared to the way they describe it, One
woman even on the course felt like she couldn‘t get up, so I gave her some of my cell
food and she was [snaps her fingers] like that …better. Another girl was going
through Chinese medicine [treatment] and that was helping her. So just in terms of
M.E. treatment I don‘t really think that the course offered that much.
Stuart: You realized how empowered you were with your pluralistic...understanding?
Claire: I don‘t care what my shaman teacher says about throwing out the medicine. I actually
know quite a lot, I know how to manage my body through all these things but at the
same time [the course] gave me a sense of my own purpose. I can‘t really compare
myself to other people. I will not sit with M.E. for much longer, I refuse to, as much
as that sounds like more control. It‘s like I am willing to go into whatever I need to
do.
Stuart: So you are willing to open up now.
Claire: Ya I am terrified but…
Stuart: I can still remember when you had that saying ―To endeavor to let the world change
you‖ a theme which you revisit. You know these things along time ago, but it takes a
long time to clarify it.
Claire: Ya, I wrote it on my mirror, but I took it off because I no-longer agreed with it. Ya I
stopped. That just indicates how much of a ‗wuss‘ [softy] I am about being pushed
around, I need to be strong. Which is true but you have to do both.
Stuart: I like the martial arts metaphor of accepting your attacker energy instead of pushing it
away. As long as you are flexible you can get them off balance while moving into
your power. To flow and to change yourself, once your enemy is off balance they are
spent and you leave them behind.
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Appendix 11: Interview July 2005 - The Shaman
Claire: [Talking about post modernism] The Shaman is quite a post modern figure (with
reference to my shaman teacher's course) the shaman is the technician in terms of
culture, he knows the discourse, and he knows how to change the particular things
through entering the realm of undifferentiatedness – there aren't the categories of
specific culture, you realize that the shaman is aware that the culture crates
categories for things. And by going into realms that don't have categories he can see
how culture creates itself and therefore he can function as a tool for changing
mythologies or bringing in a new discourse.
Stuart: So you can go outside of the parameters that define the characters and return.
Claire: The shaman lives in the post-modern state where everything is equal, where there is
no dogma. But he delivers his message within the culture he is talking to. And
because he understands, like this example said, the young shaman in training might
see an animal or a person with an animal head – it is not a monster – what that does,
it defines categorization – and then teaches the shaman about categorization, not
necessarily about the act of categorizing, so that he becomes aware that those are the
artifacts of culture. So that's how it ties into post modernism.
The Shamanic workshop has been quite a big deal for me, when I went there I was
very ill, I sat with the illness and found my energy again. Actually I realized that I
could work, almost that there was energy there was energy behind the sickness. I can
just sit and boost that energy. And I found that‘s how I would like to work with it.
Now I am not brilliantly healthy, but my outlook is better, there is light at the end of
the tunnel.
Stuart: You had a break through before you went there; you were looking for something and
felt excited about it. Process work, ecopsychology (Mindell, Jensen and
ecopsychology)
Claire: Big ones
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Stuart: It seems to have galvanized you into action.
Claire: Jensen stirred me emotionally. My illness and discomfort and terrible unhappiness
with the world is not a consequence of my own weakness or my own illness or
pathology – rather it is something that is part of being in a really difficult place in the
world right now. In terms of the environment, in terms of our western culture and the
denial which is inherent in it. It was the first book which made me feel, maybe my
illness is really just something sane in an insane world and I could go with it and let
it be what it is. Then I stumbled onto Arnold Mindell who takes it so much further in
terms of the body's illness being part of the soul's dreaming and illness being
inherently meaningful in itself – it being some way (albeit uncomfortable) of
unfolding a message and trying to reach out with some sort of creative act. That
really...
Stuart: Gaia to Self
Claire: I suddenly thought ―fuck it‖, I am not crying for me, because my mommy was shit to
me, I'm crying because there is pain in the world and we are all sharing it, um, which
is interesting in terms of this shamanism course. Because he talks about the shaman
as the one who does the dreaming for the world. That society need the shaman to do
the dreaming but at the same time doesn't reward the shaman because the shaman can
do what the rest of the world has been too afraid to do. So, that has been useful, it
makes me feel special. Instead of something I constantly have to fix.
Stuart: [What about] wildness [and] allowing yourself to be sick?
Claire: I can see now that after finishing my Bachelor degree, I was entering the honors
course and then entering the world as a working adult was all a part of this terror of
losing my soul in consensus reality, of the death of the sacred. That is what it felt like
to me. It felt like the big wide world would swallow me up.
Stuart: I am thinking about lord of the rings, the machine has no feelings.
Claire: Ya
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Stuart: And your mother as this polar machine [who had to go into the world of terror and
then return home]...
Claire:[My mother‘s story is that] when we go into the world we have to wear this mask and
please everybody, work hard (fingers to the bone) and then go home and crash and
hide all the pathology, all the illness. The distress is left to the bedroom where you
stay for weeks and weeks and weeks – that's how my mother handled it and that‘s
how I saw it in my childhood – I was raised not to offend, and no matter what was
being done to me I had to not be offensive. To offend other people – the world – a
sense of them, their agendas and issues, not to step on peoples toes. Ya.
Stuart: I have just watched the aviator, Howard Hughes‘s mother told him, you are not safe.
Claire: My mother told me once, when I was a little girl [when it] felt like we were always in
a war zone together, she told me that ―we are going to fight… get through‖ – but it
didn't come out that way overtly – for me the message was more – ―not, come, be
strong in yourself against the world‖, it was – ―you‘re shit… prove yourself and
never let anyone see who you are‖. Yes there is unsaftey but there is this constant –
strain – to be constantly pushing against the world. If you are going to crash you
have to make damn sure nobody sees you. So for me M.E. is great [laughs] it hasn't
been an illness that [I could say:] "OK I can go to hospital, get really sick have tons
of operations come out and go back into the world again.‖ It‘s like: ―I'm OK enough
to be in the world with my defenses on. I can't be the perfectly masked smiling girl.
M.E. has been very good in [the sense of] breaking that down… I can't wear the
mask when I am just trying to get through the day.
Stuart: So you have to learn to go slow and it‘s hard to explain yourself to the world.
[Especially when some people think M.E. suffers are malingerers.]
Claire: That is the thing, it is about reciprocity. I was not or have not been in a reciprocal
relationship with the world on an ongoing basis – that is what this shamanism thing
has really been about – ―stay moist‖ – ―stay flexible‖ – ―be with the moment‖ and
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that is exactly it – you have to be in a constant negotiation between your body and
the world – it's not like I can shut my body down and do what the world tells me.
Stuart: Accepting gifts as part of the world. What would you like to get out of this project?
Claire: It is nice for me to formulate it as a whole experience.
Stuart: Someone else to textualize it, what I see, not psychology that makes you sick, what's
the world like, a body being sick, a person, what are the rules out there
Claire: The consensus world – and the fact that my body has stopped wanting to cooperate
with it, it is just saying no!
Stuart: It seems a very reflexive view of being sick, most see it as being attacked by a virus.
Claire: I feel it is an initiatory illness, just something inside me forcing me onto the path that
I always wanted to be on and that I felt I couldn't follow.
Stuart: How long have you felt that way for?
Claire: The whole time I have been sick it‘s been, as soon as I am better I am going to go and
do this, take on the work. It‘s this exhaustion, I have to get better to go and do
something I really don't want to do. And
Stuart: Not being able to trust the one thing that everyone trusts – their body – You can't trust
your body in the illness – you have no pint to push off from – you just feel like you
are sliding.
Claire: My shaman teacher said… how he put it is the souls battle with the ego – the soul
wants to move but the ego has worked for years... just to function in a way that it
does. It is not prepared to give that up and so there is a war going on inside and I can
feel myself in that war. I mean the safe space that I have created in the last year and
half is just safe in a completely cloistering way but it fed my ego and I just became
more and more controlling of my life. And more and more restricted and ya ... [it‘s
been] such a battle. So that thing about having to break down the good things, I'm
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pretty sure that that is the same ego battle - yes I get excited - yes I'm going to take
on my life, really shift inside and the ego just takes over and says NO! You can't do
this, you‘re too... [weak?], this is threatening.
Stuart: And there is no rite of passage for western culture, so when you went to the Karoo on
your own, it was meant to be a rite of passage – but you can't do it on your own.
Claire: No you can't
Stuart: You can‘t expose yourself to nature...
Claire: thank God actually.
Stuart: Nature is too wild. On your course I imagine you exposed yourself to 'wild people' –
that was sacred space.
Claire: Ya. It's great that, a relief to me, I mean [my therapist] has been going on at me about
―one has to be alone‖. I actually got angry with her because, fuck it, I have been
alone and I know, yes existentially we are all alone and your personal journey is
your own but I need to get into feeling that you don't have to be alone and what My
shaman teacher says is that what you gain on this journey is travelling companions.
Stuart: That is something you have been bleeding for.
Claire: Ya
Stuart: For the kind of travelling that you are interested in you cannot just choose those
around you – you have to move to where they are. You've lacked that group – it‘s
about not having to pretend.
Claire: It comes down, again, to the same issue, of being too afraid to interact. About holding
back. That thing about the Karoo trip, again, it was ―oh I can do this by myself‖, it‘s
like it‘s all happening on this strict little boundary of myself. And with the incredible
exhaustion of that.
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Stuart: When you first became ill – you had a big battle with [your head of department]
Claire: Ya, I couldn't be real there.
Stuart: So she was the Gatekeeper at the door of the academy for you.
Claire: Travelling companions: I had to accept that my honors class were not going to be
travelling companions for me. It only came to me at the end of the year – like what
am I trying so hard for these people, they are not worth it.
Getting back to Sacred and Profane space. My shaman teacher was saying that the
gift of the Shaman is the ability to move between the sacred and the profane space,
but if you blur the boundary, life gives you a slap. And I think that I have been
blurring that boundary, I have been trying – desperately – because there hasn't been a
kind of contained sacred space. I think you need other people to teach you that. You
need that with people, if you don't know how, you can't create it for yourself.
Stuart: Initiates are taken by the men.
Claire: Ya, you need to be initiated into it. And maybe that is it. I have been crying out for
initiation into sacred space, but I have also been looking for the sacred in the profane,
that‘s why everything becomes so precious, like I can't eat this because its messed up
and because everything is so dirty because I am trying to find goodness and even
with people – like making friends with really silly shallow people and trying to find
depth there. [My therapist] mentioned my family as well, how I have been doing that
with them, and it is true. I always try and make this sacred space with them and they
betray me in it.
Stuart: So true. Because they are not really interest [in what you are interested in], so you get
angry that they will never move into your world.
Claire: Ya
Stuart: They say ―Claire is just difficult‖
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Claire: Ya
Stuart: I was there. Their world carries on... [they see things] totally from their own point of
view.
Claire: My father almost has me on a pedestal, it‘s almost like, I represent the sacred to him –
but he doesn't know how to take part in it.
Stuart: How do you delineate the boundaries, now that you have…?
Claire: Experienced something...I feel completely able to enter the world because I know
that, the world is profane. It is just what it is -its money, living, eating, and getting
through the day – and I can do that because there is a place for it. Because there is
also a place for something sacred. I feel like my life is possibly set up. When I need
that sacredness, I know where to go.
Stuart: Such a big shift.
Claire: Ya and I am eating meat and loving it! I had ostrich steak for breakfast the other day.
Stuart: You've done it, found, achieved...
Claire: Just before I found the web site, firstly I watched John Edward for like two weeks
solid – every day – I have been sort of having this argument with my grandmother,
who is dead, not really arguing but kind of working out my feelings toward her. You
know she was really a mother to me and really loved me and ...but she messed up my
own mother so badly- she really fucked up there. I know she watches over me, I
know she is deeply concerned over me. I can just feel it, but I have been just kind of
pushing her away – ―what the fuck do want woman‖ - I would say to myself - ―you
messed up so badly.‖ And then just before I found this website I said OK – just take
me where I need to go. It was like a few days before.
Stuart: White noise interlude.... [amazing]
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Stuart: Being in the world now … you have to be a trickster because the world is not run by
sacred people on a passionate journey but by profane…
Claire: Absolutely
Stuart: it‘s a mundane world...
Claire: I feel so much better about – like I used to feel like I need to be pure, good, never lie
and now it‘s like fuck it, now I am swearing a lot more.
Stuart: Ah, the fairies were always naughty little shits, trying to fuck up what the 'plodders'
are doing – they are the wild ones.
Claire: What was such a relief to me as well, I can see it now, is just to be mad, to be allowed
to be mad [on this course], to let your imagination go and to let my body go – to just
play. It was fantastic.
Stuart: Sounds a bit like Mindell's Process work, allowing the body to be sick.
Claire: [To let it] move as it wants to.
Stuart: [That] you were sickly [on the course] was the right way for you [to be then].
Claire: Ya, one guy told me that I seemed pathetic, it was quite hurtful. But he got a lot of
flak for being hurtful in general – so it was OK. But there was something I actually
wanted to say to them. ―Like guys, you don't understand what a big thing it was for
me to come into this space and be me, and to be ya, not so keen to impress
everyone.‖
It was quite cool, like right in the beginning my shaman teacher pulled me aside and
said – ―take part, you are part of the group, you are playing quite small. You are
being like a little college student, you have to accept that these are your
peers.‖ Again on the same issue he said ―you are actually more advanced than a lot
of the people in this group.‖ It felt really good, I realized that the work I have done is
actually ....I have gained things.
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Stuart: Nothing is in vain; a lot of men in their middle age may have never stopped to smell
the roses.
Claire: Manhood is a big issue. One guy [was] talking about his penis, this big phallus – he
has always looked at his penis as this thing that hurts – then my shaman teacher
talked...women don't realize what issues men have with their penises. Claiming
manhood was about turning the penis into the phallus, for womanhood it is about
turning the vagina into the yoni: the woman's inner phallus. It‘s cool.
Stuart: The course seems...well when you arrived you told me that you skinny dip to enter
into the [sacred] space. I have dreams when I need to let 'others in' of being naked in
public, of allowing people in, to see me. Now it strikes me that as this is the first
thing you do ... and you said ―Fuck it‖ [and went ahead with it]. It was a risk, a big
risk ... we have this kind of feeling they will all start laughing and say that they were
only playing.
Claire: Exactly, but I just want to get back to the pain, how OK is it to cross the boundary,
how OK is it to let myself out. Shoo what a big terror it was.
Stuart: Don't you think a lot of people try to achieve that with alcohol and drugs to numb
themselves.
Claire: Ya you don't really have to expose yourself when you don't have to...
Stuart: Feel?
Claire: Ya, alcohol and drugs create a new boundary.
Stuart: No alcohol or drugs.
Claire: Fudging the transition so I don't have to consciously cross that boundary, something
else pushes me over, then it is OK, the painful transition of it is avoided.
Stuart: Like your varsity mate Fred,
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Claire: When he drinks he is someone else
Stuart: ya, a ―babe puller‖.
[Break]
Claire: When you do breathwork your hands go numb, they tingle a bit like a migraine
experience.
Stuart: and the paranoia?
Claire: Not paranoid, just my lungs couldn't do it. My lungs shut down.
Appendix 12: Interview July 2005 - Sociability
Stuart: How do you use your space? In the university social scene you say that you used to
get too ‗hyper‘ [active].
Claire: ‗Hyper‘ is associated with my mother's ―pleasing the world‖ kind of face.
Stuart: When you got sick were you forced to pull out of that, I am thinking of Cheryl and
Kathy.
Claire: I've got it. It is like I was saying about M.E. I can't wear the mask. If I am going to be
in this world and be sick, I can't hide my sickness – it's so obvious. I am not sick
enough not to be in the world, so it‘s a way of bringing myself and my vulnerability
into the world and yet this last year that has been my big problem – that I have not
wanted to be in the world – even though I probably can. And so by continuing to
want to hide my illness and myself – and maintain that mask, I have withdrawn and
cut myself off. And so I sit and I am incredibly bored and lonely and frustrated but
that seems to be preferable to actually taking the risk of exposing myself -which I
had to do on this course. I had to just let myself be seen – however inelegant.
Stuart: This last year you had Carey as a friend, she wants to change things... [in the world].
Claire: She's a warrior [unlike my other friends], who were consumers of consensus reality]
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Stuart: You had a dream before you went on the course. You told me you were standing up
and telling it like it is. [i.e. taking on the banal discourse of commercialism].
Claire: Oh ya, I remember.
Stuart: You spoke about being able to play the guitar and sing [beautifully]. You [seem to]
have withdrawn yourself from inauthentic relationships [which seemed to have
previously] – has the illness weaned you off of them.
Claire: [My other friends] weren't really friends, those weren't soulful or meaningful
friendships...I want to go back to this issue of crossing boundaries – of at least
exposing myself. That was at least, on this workshop, was the big issue for me. My
mother taught me never to expose myself and that that is the last stand – no matter
what happens. In our fights, arguments – she would cross sacred barriers – the rules
of mother daughter relationships – like you do not threaten your child with, you
know, kicking her out of the house – you don't tell her that you didn't want her and
run at her with a car – my mother‘s last stand – those were not it.
The last stand was not ever being vulnerable and making that final closed space
around her – this will not be transgressed, no matter what, no matter who it is and
here I am having to go into the world and risk being vulnerable and risk being judged
– having to open myself to just, both trusting that other people have good intentions,
even though they can be shit – but also that I am strong enough to handle people's
bad intentions. Um and the whole time on this course I was just so paranoid because
I just couldn‘t figure out that boundary ... and another thing that came up was that
before I want to get into something I want to feel completely prepared – like one of
the journeys was going into heaven – we had to find heaven in the woods and I
couldn't go, I couldn't find heaven because I didn't feel like I was worthy. Until I
realized that I have to go into heaven being unworthy, being exactly who I am. That
was the most difficult thing for me to do on that course. I could go into the
underworld, I could face my pain, shit – but couldn't go into heaven with who I am,
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that is it, I have to go into the world, I have to engage with people and allow myself
that fluidity of boundaries.
Stuart: Do you remember your own saying: To grow you have to...
Claire: Let life change you, ya a scary thing.
Stuart: So is the [so-called] shamanic way of life about building that bridge from the ego or is
it the soul? Is it about flowing, you mentioned staying moist earlier, well water is a
very good conductor, heat transfers from the world.
Claire: Ya, you have to dance with the world. I grew up in a home where I was being messed
with psychologically, like there were mind games and so just holding onto reality,
thinking what is reality – what is real and holding it tightly was very important for
me to survive. Like just to be able to say: ―No! This is who I am‖, and strengthen and
fortify, and say – ―because everything was so messed up when I was a child, my
mother was crazy, I couldn't figure out who I was and the way things were.‖ So the
idea of being fluid is incredibly frightening to me. I feel like I am going to go crazy
because what if I lose that grip on reality that I had to fight so hard to find.
Appendix 13: Interview July 2005 - The Sacred and the Profane
Stuart: Please elaborate about the sacred and the profane...
Claire: The illness is the body's wish to transgress over the categories and the boundaries of
the consensus world and it‘s a frightening, ego threatening experience to let go of
those categories and say OK maybe I am not just Claire: post-grad stuck in my life.
It‘s like there is something else and if I allow my body to live itself completely out
there – clashing...
Stuart: A wild body
Claire: Ya, to be a wild body in this tame world, maybe a new message will come out that is
quite shaky; that is frightening. That is a threat to the consensus structures. But can
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ultimately create something new. That‘s how I understand the shamanic process. The
understanding of the initiatory illness - well that‘s how I reread it.
Stuart: Darwin was fond of saying that every new theory when first postulated – in a shaman
like fashion – is most creative, pure thought, when it first arrives on the scene. From
there it gathers belief and solidity. Is your process a creative act – must you listen to
it.
Claire: You have to listen to it without preconceptions.
Stuart: without structure?
Claire: Ya – you just have to let it speak its own language and hopefully, in some way, you
will be able to understand. You should be able to understand because it is your body,
it‘s a personal message. But if I am stuck in one structured view – even the simplistic
psychological view: my liver is sick because I was wounded as a child- and so my
liver is trying to make me remember that wound. You know it‘s more than that
because in looking at it like that I am still structuring it. Instead my liver is sick, I
feel pain of lacking love, I want to be more creative, and I want to feel more. You
know I haven't figured it out yet but you know, a much bigger thing.
Stuart: Let‘s get back to the sacred and the profane distinction that seemed so important
when you first arrived back from your course. You spoke about sharing space with
people; staying alone too much; staying in your head; food taboos: all of which have
been reinforcing the illness. Now what about sharing sacred space? How important is
it to have a community. You said that if you bring the sacred into the profane you get
rebuffed, it‘s really tough [in the so-called profane world].
Claire: To me it goes into a different plane when there are other people around. Its huh, just, I
am still trying to figure it out – I was arguing [with my therapist] about this thing:
―one has to be alone‖ [my therapist would assert] – but it is not true – there is a space
where there is cooperation...the world engages with your dreaming and your....know
what I mean...
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Stuart: Well I have this idea that who we really are is made up not inside of us but through an
engagement with the world. So to be alone and reflect is fine – important – but to
engage with the world is living, creating. That is how you become who you are and
so to become more yourself, you must engage more with the world – to withdraw (I
do it) is to in some respects to lose your identity.
Claire: I was talking more about performance, it‘s almost like I have been seeing interaction
with the world as a performance for which I prepare myself in isolation – I am
myself when I am by myself.
Stuart: I remember the drama thing that you were keen on in the beginning of the year. It
freaked you out. Was that the ego creating the expression?
Claire: The point is if it is not a performance it‘s the real thing, the interaction is me...see
that's the thing I've always felt like, I am only me when I am by myself. I lose myself
when I am with others – bits of me disappear and I have to go back to gain myself
again. It all comes back to the idea of being able to be to be fluid – which I struggle
with – being able to dance and not stop being myself when I am dancing. So that it is
not a performance, it‘s the real thing, like you are saying, you are who you are
through interaction – that‘s new for me, I have to work on that, I have to play with
that.
Stuart: China?
Claire: I didn't want to do it – there wasn't anything I really wanted to do but through the
illness and through exploring it a little bit more I've managed to find what I have
always wanted to do but which I didn't think was available to me – through these
people that I have met now. And this kind of spiritual, physical healing work.
Stuart: Would have been harder?
Claire: If I hadn't been sick?
Stuart: no trust fund?
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Claire: Oh
Stuart: [Being] tied to your mother, having to explain yourself all the time.
Claire: My shaman teacher, talks about nine month cycles, none months ago I got that
money, so a step into independence, this is kind of the next step.
Stuart: Nine months, China and exams?
Claire: Or rather my leaving my family in such an abrupt way – that was January – just over
nine months ago. It‘s such a shift, I have formulated new ideas.
Stuart: During my June exams you were so excited. You did this on your own.
Claire: Yes I had a breakthrough, this is something – but at the time I had another complete
breakdown and I am still sitting with that – this feeling of wanting to give up. How can I
continue in this absolute loneliness – feeling a sense of the world not cooperating? Ya it‘s
something I have to work with because in the end whether the world cooperates or not it has
so much to do with perception. I dunno, my shaman teacher said that I am maybe a bit
pessimistic – that I can expect miracles. It‘s scary not being able to trust the good things – to
constantly be checking – ―is this real‖? So ya, that‘s something [my therapist] said that I have
this habit of unmaking the good; I work, work, work then I completely break it down into
nothingness so it‘s meaningless.