Chapter Eight

Choosing Others: Dating and Mate Selection

Why do We Date?

• Manifest Functions Fulfilled• Maturation• Fun and recreation• Companionship• Love and affection• Mate selection

Why do We Date? • Latent Functions Fulfilled

• Socialization• Social status• Fulfillment of ego needs• Sexual experimentation and intimacy• Big business

The Dating Traditions• Gender role scripts – who does what• Bat mitzvah and bar mitzvah—rites of

passage in the Jewish community.• Proms• “Going steady” and “getting pinned” were

popular after WWII. • What are the terms now?

• “Going with” or “going together”• “Hang out.”• “Getting together”• “Hooking up”

Personal ads—published in mainstream

magazines, on the Web, etc.

Mail-order brides — 200+ international services

Cyber dating & Online Matchmaking

How Do We Meet People

How Do We Meet People?Professional matchmakers—make a

living by matching people up.

Speed dating

Choosing Whom We Date: Choices and Constraints

• What constrains us when it comes to who we date?

Homogamy• Homogamy refers to dating or

marrying someone with similar backgrounds to our own.

• Why are we attracted to similarity?

Filter Theory• According to filter theory, we use

specific criteria and narrow number of candidates.

• What filters do you use?

Why Do We Date?• Sociologists consider dating a marriage

market in which the participants look at the assets and liabilities in each partner and decide which is the best for what they have to offer.

Who’s AvailableCensus Data – Who’s available• Who’s Not in Prison?• The Times interviewed parents Carl Harris and

Charlene Hamilton, whose daughters grew up without a father. Mr. Harris, a crack dealer who received a 20-year prison sentence at the age of 24, was forced to abandon his family when he was locked up.

http://rt.com/usa/incarceration-african-black-prison-606/

Results of Men In Prison“Basically, I was locked up with him,” she told

the Times. “My mind was locked up. My life was locked up. Our daughters grew up without a father.”

“A man will have three mistresses, and they’ll each put up with it because there are no other men around,” Hamilton said. Epidemiologists believe the AIDS rate among African-Americans would be lower if the incarceration rate dropped. 

Theories of Mate SelectionSocial exchange theory—posits that

people will begin and remain in a relationship if the rewards are higher than the costs.

Equity theory—an intimate relationship is satisfying and stable if both partners see it as equitable and mutually beneficial.

How We Evaluate a Relationship

Outcome Level – satisfaction based on rewards vs. costs.

Comparison Level – comparison with past relationships and other’s relationships

Comparison Alternative Level – comparison with next best option (dependency)

– OL + Clalt > CL = Happy and not dependent– OL > CL > Clalt = Happy but dependent– CL > OL > Clalt = Unhappy without alternatives

Relationship ViolenceWhen would you say “I deserved that”

after someone to hit you?

Relationship Violence• Survey of 200 teens, 46% said she

was responsible.

Relationship Violence• Types of violence

• Physical• Emotional• Sexual

Relationship Violence• May come from jealousy

• May appear as pattern of control• Controlling behaviors

• The narcissist

Cycle of Abuse1. Honeymoon Phase

2. Tension Building Phase

3. Acting Out Phase

4. Honeymoon Phase