Understanding ToddlersUnderstanding Toddlers

Autonomy in actionAutonomy in action

Creatively compiled by Michael Farnworth, Ed. D.

Please Read:Please Read:“A Dream”“A Dream”by Jeffery Hollandby Jeffery Holland

5 basic human needs...5 basic human needs...

1. Physical and safety needs1. Physical and safety needs 2. Self-esteem needs2. Self-esteem needs 3. To love3. To love 4. To be loved and valued4. To be loved and valued 5. To control and make life 5. To control and make life

predictablepredictable

Two assumptions...

Do you believe that humans have these needs and that they are essential to one’s healthy development?

Do you believe, deep in your heart of hearts, that toddlers are human?

Are toddlers really human?Are toddlers really human?

If we believe that the toddler is If we believe that the toddler is really human with the really human with the accompanying human needs accompanying human needs then we need to understand then we need to understand those needs, especially the need those needs, especially the need to have some control and to have some control and predictability in their life!predictability in their life!

Who is going to have their Who is going to have their needs met?needs met?

ADULT CHILD

NEEDS

CONFLICT

OF

Frustration-aggressionFrustration-aggression

A basic premise of human A basic premise of human personality is that when a person personality is that when a person does not get their basic needs does not get their basic needs met then anger, hostility and met then anger, hostility and aggression result...aggression result...

The role of hostility...The role of hostility...

When your expectations are not When your expectations are not fulfilled then the energy of fulfilled then the energy of hostility is created and will hostility is created and will usually be dissipated toward the usually be dissipated toward the person responsible for not person responsible for not meeting the expectation.meeting the expectation.

Three options we have when Three options we have when our expectations are not met....our expectations are not met....

1. Believe I'm wrong and change 1. Believe I'm wrong and change expectation.expectation.

2. Somebody did not “understand”, 2. Somebody did not “understand”, I'll give them another chance.I'll give them another chance.

3. Force the change to fulfill the 3. Force the change to fulfill the expectation.expectation.

An example....An example.... You are a young motherYou are a young mother* * and it is and it is

Tuesday evening. Dinner is over, Tuesday evening. Dinner is over, your husband has just left for an your husband has just left for an elders quorum presidency meeting elders quorum presidency meeting and your two older children are in the and your two older children are in the family room watching TV... Then family room watching TV... Then you see it...Jason didn’t eat his you see it...Jason didn’t eat his peas...peas...

Young mother’s Young mother’s expectations...expectations... If my child If my child lovesloves me then, she will do me then, she will do

what I ask.what I ask.

Young father’sexpectations

IF MY CHILD RESPECTS ME THEN, SHEWILL DO WHAT I ASK.

Control and predictions in the Control and predictions in the toddler’s lifetoddler’s life

Have you ever wondered why Have you ever wondered why children will sit and watch the same children will sit and watch the same show or video over and over and show or video over and over and over and over again?over and over again?

Have you ever tried changing a well Have you ever tried changing a well known child’s story to increase the known child’s story to increase the interest?interest?

Security and self-esteemSecurity and self-esteem

1. Family rules 2. Schedules and routines 3. Jobs and responsibilities 4. Parent’s personality

Creatures of habit...Creatures of habit...

Humans are most comfortable with Humans are most comfortable with the familiar and quickly establish the familiar and quickly establish routines to create order, control, and routines to create order, control, and predictability in lifepredictability in life

Any disturbance that upsets the Any disturbance that upsets the familiar is usually accompanied by familiar is usually accompanied by agitation, nervousness and irritation.agitation, nervousness and irritation.

Toddler guidelines for Toddler guidelines for autonomy/self-esteemautonomy/self-esteem

1. Provide choices1. Provide choices 2. Set limits and have boundaries2. Set limits and have boundaries 3. Allow them to do as much as 3. Allow them to do as much as

possible for themselves such as possible for themselves such as eating, dressing, bathroom use, etc..eating, dressing, bathroom use, etc..

REMEMBER: A TODDLER HAS A POOR SENSE OF TIME

A test of health for A test of health for mothers... Allowing your mothers... Allowing your children to dress children to dress themselves....themselves....

““Reasoning with a Reasoning with a toddler”...toddler”... Remember... It usually Remember... It usually

does not work!does not work! Instead provide choices Instead provide choices

and limits with and limits with consequences!consequences!

A toddler’s self-esteemA toddler’s self-esteem Understand that a toddler who has Understand that a toddler who has

autonomy, control, and some autonomy, control, and some prediction power in their life will feel prediction power in their life will feel good about themselves...Parents good about themselves...Parents who treat their toddlers with “human who treat their toddlers with “human respect” will nurture self respect and respect” will nurture self respect and esteem.esteem.

List 5 qualities that you List 5 qualities that you really admire in yourself and really admire in yourself and that you would like to pass that you would like to pass on to your children... record on to your children... record these in your journal.these in your journal.

Now list 5 qualities that you Now list 5 qualities that you dislike in yourself and that dislike in yourself and that you would rather not pass you would rather not pass on to your children... on to your children... Record these in your Record these in your journal.journal.

The dynamics of the The dynamics of the qualities...qualities... Maybe the good is bad...Maybe the good is bad... Maybe the bad is good...Maybe the bad is good... Who told you they were good or Who told you they were good or

bad...bad... Maybe they are both good and bad...Maybe they are both good and bad...

Beware the “energy”...Beware the “energy”... The more intense the energy the The more intense the energy the

greater the bonding force in feelings greater the bonding force in feelings and words.and words.

Sometimes our best intentions “back Sometimes our best intentions “back fire” and we end up creating the very fire” and we end up creating the very thing we dreaded.thing we dreaded.

The more contempt a person The more contempt a person has for them self the more has for them self the more dangerous they are to their dangerous they are to their children…children…

““You can drive the devil out You can drive the devil out of your garden but will find of your garden but will find him again in the garden of him again in the garden of your child.” your child.” Heinrich PestalozziHeinrich Pestalozzi

Much of what parenting is Much of what parenting is about is the transfer of about is the transfer of energy from one generation energy from one generation to the next... (Food, religion, to the next... (Food, religion, sexual stuff, sports, sexual stuff, sports, education, etc.)education, etc.)

You You can not can not give what you give what you do not do not have...have... You will not be able to pass on to You will not be able to pass on to

your child any better of a self your child any better of a self concept than you possess...concept than you possess...

Until your own needs are met- you Until your own needs are met- you will not be free to meet the needs of will not be free to meet the needs of your child...your child...

The basis and core of your The basis and core of your spiritual life...spiritual life... Is how much compassion and Is how much compassion and

acceptance you feel in your heart acceptance you feel in your heart toward the little child you once were-toward the little child you once were-

No other truth will have more of an No other truth will have more of an impact on you than this simple but impact on you than this simple but profound relationship.profound relationship.

Now think about it...Now think about it... If you were not given enough control If you were not given enough control

as a child over your life maybe your as a child over your life maybe your current current preoccupationpreoccupation with control is with control is a reflection of that reality.a reflection of that reality.

If you were not respected as a child If you were not respected as a child maybe that will explain your maybe that will explain your demandingdemanding respect as an adult. respect as an adult.

Childhood is an Childhood is an immersion in immersion in neediness...Andneediness...And

A needy child is considered, A needy child is considered, in this culture, a bad child in this culture, a bad child with his or her behavior with his or her behavior considered the “worst” considered the “worst” when they are the most when they are the most needy.needy.

““Looking back, I'm not sure I could put Looking back, I'm not sure I could put words to what I was feeling. I know words to what I was feeling. I know I didn’t want to impose my moods on I didn’t want to impose my moods on her or even let her know I was having her or even let her know I was having some uncomfortable feelings. I never some uncomfortable feelings. I never much liked having to ask for much liked having to ask for anything...It’s easier to take care of anything...It’s easier to take care of these kinds of things myself.”these kinds of things myself.”

The dependency needs of a The dependency needs of a child:child: CareCare

AttentionAttention TouchTouch RespectRespect ProtectionProtection MirroredMirrored AdmiredAdmired Listened toListened to Taken seriouslyTaken seriously

The narcissistic disturbanceThe narcissistic disturbance

When, if as a child, our narcissistic When, if as a child, our narcissistic needs were not meant and we were needs were not meant and we were used by others as an object; Then we used by others as an object; Then we will experience a disturbance in our will experience a disturbance in our souls that will haunt us in our adult souls that will haunt us in our adult years trying to meet the needs that years trying to meet the needs that were never fulfilled in our were never fulfilled in our childhoods... Needs like control, childhoods... Needs like control, respect, self-esteem, love.respect, self-esteem, love.

Growing up in this family...Growing up in this family... There was a father who would not There was a father who would not

allow any infant to be attended to allow any infant to be attended to while he or she was crying... He while he or she was crying... He would wait until they stopped and would wait until they stopped and then went to them...then went to them...

What would be some potential What would be some potential results of growing up in this home?results of growing up in this home?

If you ever heard a version of this If you ever heard a version of this growing up...growing up...

““You were such a good child you You were such a good child you never caused a moments concern or never caused a moments concern or problem.”problem.”

Translated may mean: you Translated may mean: you discovered that to be of value in your discovered that to be of value in your family it was important not to be family it was important not to be needy... Which was considered good.needy... Which was considered good.

Create a child...Create a child... What qualities would you What qualities would you

have in a child if you could have in a child if you could put one together from put one together from “scratch”?“scratch”?

““Projection parenting”Projection parenting”

We have created an imaginary child in We have created an imaginary child in our minds...our minds...

This creation has taken years to This creation has taken years to accomplish and is either an: accomplish and is either an: 1.Accepting introjections, or 1.Accepting introjections, or 2.Rejecting introjections 2.Rejecting introjections of of your parents behavior towards you.your parents behavior towards you.

Projection is the process where by Projection is the process where by you attribute and assign your you attribute and assign your children to act out this “imaginary children to act out this “imaginary child” you have created in your child” you have created in your mind.mind.You will want your children to fulfill You will want your children to fulfill your dreams and will use your dreams and will use “psychological force” to make them “psychological force” to make them behave.behave.

How can a child ever feel How can a child ever feel good about themselves, if good about themselves, if they never seem to measure they never seem to measure up...To your fanticiful up...To your fanticiful expectations of them!expectations of them!

Listen to a song... Perfect Listen to a song... Perfect By Alanis MorisetteBy Alanis Morisette

Sometimes it’s never quite enough. If Sometimes it’s never quite enough. If your flawless, then you’re in my love. your flawless, then you’re in my love. Don’t forget to win first place. Don’t Don’t forget to win first place. Don’t forget to keep that smile on your face. Be forget to keep that smile on your face. Be a good boy. Try a little harder. You’ve a good boy. Try a little harder. You’ve got to measure up, make me prouder. got to measure up, make me prouder. How long before you screw it up. How How long before you screw it up. How many times do I have to tell you to hurry many times do I have to tell you to hurry up! Cause everything I do for you, the up! Cause everything I do for you, the least you can do is keep quiet.least you can do is keep quiet.

Be a good girl ,you’ve got to try a little Be a good girl ,you’ve got to try a little harder. That simply wasn’t good enough harder. That simply wasn’t good enough to make us proud. I’ll live for you, I'll to make us proud. I’ll live for you, I'll make you what I never was. Cause make you what I never was. Cause you’re the best and maybe so am I, you’re the best and maybe so am I, compared to him, compared to her. I’m compared to him, compared to her. I’m doing this for your own good. You’ll doing this for your own good. You’ll make up for what I blew. What’s the make up for what I blew. What’s the problem? Why are you crying? Be a problem? Why are you crying? Be a good boy. Push a little farther now. That good boy. Push a little farther now. That wasn’t fast enough, to make us happy. wasn’t fast enough, to make us happy. We’ll love you just the way you are...If We’ll love you just the way you are...If you’re perfect.you’re perfect.

The two most common The two most common parenting abuses:parenting abuses: 1. 1. EnmeshmentEnmeshment: don’t grow up so I : don’t grow up so I

can take care of you to fulfill my can take care of you to fulfill my emotional needs of feeling emotional needs of feeling important .important .

2. 2. AbandonmentAbandonment: hurry and grow : hurry and grow up so I don’t have to be up so I don’t have to be inconvenienced and bothered by inconvenienced and bothered by you.you.

Abandonment...Abandonment... If our parents did not affirm If our parents did not affirm

ourselves, our bodies, our feelings, ourselves, our bodies, our feelings, our realities...If they did not support our realities...If they did not support us in who we really were and what us in who we really were and what we were experiencing- then they we were experiencing- then they may have abandoned us in favor of may have abandoned us in favor of their “version” of us.their “version” of us.

Marital issues for enmeshed Marital issues for enmeshed or abandoned children?or abandoned children?

EnmeshedEnmeshed: boundary issues, loyalty : boundary issues, loyalty issues, identity issues intimacy issues.issues, identity issues intimacy issues.

AbandonmentAbandonment: boundary issues, : boundary issues, loyalty issues, intimacy issues, trust loyalty issues, intimacy issues, trust issues, safety issues.issues, safety issues.

CathectCathect

Cathect means to: bring in, to Cathect means to: bring in, to love, to make it your own. It is love, to make it your own. It is the process of loving the process of loving something: “i just love that something: “i just love that song”, “i love this restaurant”, song”, “i love this restaurant”, “i love you”.“i love you”.

““The issue”The issue” Will the child be able to Will the child be able to

cathect the mother and use cathect the mother and use her to meet it’s needs? her to meet it’s needs?

Or will the mother cathect the Or will the mother cathect the child and use the child to child and use the child to meet her own needs?meet her own needs?

““To be or not to be”...To be or not to be”... To cathect or be cathectedTo cathect or be cathected To objectify or be objectifiedTo objectify or be objectified To live one’s life or to live the mother’s To live one’s life or to live the mother’s

lifelife To be autonomous or con-To be autonomous or con-fusedfused To be whole or to fragmentTo be whole or to fragment To bond to or be in bondage toTo bond to or be in bondage to To project ones energies or to introject To project ones energies or to introject

the energies of anotherthe energies of another

THESE ARE THE QUESTIONS!

Role reversals in Role reversals in dysfunctional familiesdysfunctional families In families that suffer from abusive In families that suffer from abusive

dysfunctional relationships the dysfunctional relationships the children are often recruited to meet children are often recruited to meet the needs of the parents assuming the needs of the parents assuming adult like traits , while the adults are adult like traits , while the adults are acting more like children...acting more like children...

Hunger or love?Hunger or love? Hunger:Hunger: Takes fromTakes from DrainsDrains OverprotectiveOverprotective JealousJealous ExcludesExcludes ControlsControls SuffocatesSuffocates

Love:Love: Gives toGives to FillsFills StrengthensStrengthens Freeing Freeing IncludesIncludes RespectsRespects EmbracesEmbraces

DEPRIVATION ABUNDANCE

““Hungry love”Hungry love” ““I love you so much I want I love you so much I want

to use you for the rest of to use you for the rest of my life. I want to own you, my life. I want to own you, consume you, to eat you consume you, to eat you up!”up!”

Love is an energy Love is an energy and children can and children can feel its absence...feel its absence...

The End

A passive dependent A passive dependent personality disorder:personality disorder: This personality disorder is someone This personality disorder is someone

who is very rigid in role expectationswho is very rigid in role expectations Need of others so give them identity Need of others so give them identity

and meaningand meaning ““Love”things without a will: pets, Love”things without a will: pets,

infants,thingsinfants,things

Transitional objectsTransitional objects Transitional objects are things which Transitional objects are things which

are not part of the infant’s body yet are not part of the infant’s body yet are not fully recognizes as belonging are not fully recognizes as belonging to external reality. to external reality.

T.O.S are a defense against anxiety T.O.S are a defense against anxiety and loss, and have an addictive and loss, and have an addictive quality about them.quality about them.

Examples of transitional Examples of transitional objects:objects:

In childrenIn children:: BlanketBlanket Teddy bearTeddy bear MommyMommy PacifierPacifier ToyToy

In adultsIn adults:: MoneyMoney StatusStatus PartnerPartner FameFame PowerPower

T.O.S CAN PROVIDE SECONDARYSATISFACTION BUT NEVER PRIMARYSATISFACTION.

Primary satisfaction:Primary satisfaction: Love Love WholenessWholeness SafetySafety AcceptanceAcceptance ContentContent PeacePeace UnityUnity

Secondary satisfaction:Secondary satisfaction: SuccessSuccess ReputationReputation WealthWealth PowerPower Food Food Sex Sex DrugsDrugs RomanceRomance ChildrenChildren

““Outies versus innies”Outies versus innies” When people can not find When people can not find

satisfaction in themselves then they satisfaction in themselves then they will seek it outside themselves: will seek it outside themselves:

LOVESECURITYACCEPTANCEMEANINGTRUTH

Our adult behavior?Our adult behavior?

How might our adult behavior be How might our adult behavior be a clue to understanding the a clue to understanding the history of our own childhoods history of our own childhoods and the needs we are seeking to and the needs we are seeking to fulfill...fulfill...

Listen to a poem... Listen to a poem... By Goldie D. IvenerBy Goldie D. Ivener

The inner soul is buried by the outer The inner soul is buried by the outer shells and further smothered by shells and further smothered by conformity to physical beauty that the conformity to physical beauty that the culture dictates.culture dictates.

Attempts to break through these layers Attempts to break through these layers of shells is accompanied by ridicule, of shells is accompanied by ridicule, criticism and personal attacks.criticism and personal attacks.

Children are permitted, at times, to Children are permitted, at times, to express their inner souls but soon the express their inner souls but soon the family and education train them to family and education train them to conform, to regurgitate the party conform, to regurgitate the party theme.theme.

The measure of maturity is determined The measure of maturity is determined by this conformity, so, the so called by this conformity, so, the so called productive years reflect what others productive years reflect what others have dictated.have dictated.

The successes achieved are tangible The successes achieved are tangible items like dollars, besting your rival, items like dollars, besting your rival, big houses, nice cars and climbing the big houses, nice cars and climbing the ruthless ladder.ruthless ladder.

The soul becomes atrophied at times The soul becomes atrophied at times of crises and illness crying out for of crises and illness crying out for some recognition, for some some recognition, for some connection with other inhabitants.connection with other inhabitants.

At times this is accomplished but for a At times this is accomplished but for a fleeting moment, for when the crisis or fleeting moment, for when the crisis or illness is over once again, the soul illness is over once again, the soul retreats to its niche hibernating until retreats to its niche hibernating until the next crisis occurs.the next crisis occurs.

So the culture prevails dictating to us, So the culture prevails dictating to us, who accept with various degrees of who accept with various degrees of resistance what is expected of us.resistance what is expected of us.