Inside This Issue

VOLUME IV, ISSUE 1 AUGUST 28th, 2008SPECIAL BEIJING OLYMPICS EDITION: 75% LESS HUMAN RIGHTS INSIDE

John Q. can’t sleep! Page 2Olympic breakdown! Page 3

Oscar chance for Ramses III? Page 3Joe Biden- Agent of Change! Page 4

Today: Partly sunny, with a chance of forgetting building names

Rest of semester: Cold and gray, with a chance of crippling depression

BLING BLING: IT’S A BRANDEIS THING Brandeis Univerity reported it’s biggest fundraising year ever this year, logging more than $90 mil-lion in a year. Combined with the new science center, the new admis-sions building, and the new ridge-wood dormitories, it’s safe to say that Brandeis is, in economic terms, “rolling in it.” But, rather than go-ing the typical route of squirreling the money away and building an en-dowment, Brandeis president Jeudha Reinharz has decided to simply cut all of his students a check—over $25,000 each. Taking a page out of President Bush’s economic stimulus plan, which totally made up for the past 8 years of shit by sending out $300 checks, students checked their mail-boxes surprised to find a huge check. Yet, rather than paying for tuition, getting ahead on student loans, or saving the money for later in life, most students have decided to spend the cash on frivolous novelties, such as diamond-encrusted skis, suits made out of solid chocolate, and iP-hones. Reinharz says this is all part

of the plan. “The goal is to try and make our school look really cool. I mean, any university can boast an attractive campus or student body, but how many can say that over 70% of the students have diamonds so reckless that it feels like a midget is hanging from their necklaces? Only us and Princeton.” Student response has been mostly positive, if a little bitchy. “Don’t get me wrong, I love my gold plated Segway” pre-empted Tony Welch (’10), “but couldn’t they have worked out some kind of valet parking situa-tion for students with segways, hovercrafts, and rickshaws? Traffic is getting pretty ugly around Rabb, and I have to hurry home to my giant hydroponic weed farm in my East single.” Other students have opted instead to invest their money into busi-nesses or charitable causes. Literally al-most a dozen students gave almost half of

QUIZNO’S: IT’S SUBWAY FOR FATTIES Along with all the usual, and largely inconsequential, changes to the general Brandeis campus, returning students were markably less than indifferent to find a Quiznos being installed along-side the Usdan Boulevard. This marks the first change in Brandeis dining fa-cilities since 1984 when the Boulevard briefly introduced and quickly retired the “New Asian Chicken Wrap” before popular opinion forced them to return to “Asian Chicken Wrap Classic.” “I can’t believe this!” ejaculated Tim Plank. “I mean, it’s just amazing! I feel like the universe should just collapse in on itself right now because it’s achieved just complete and utter perfection.” Quiznos takes the former site of the C-Store, or the “Could-Have-Been-Significantly-Better Store,” which has been moved to a new location and re-named “POD” or “Xanadu.” For in-coming freshmen, the excitement over the change appears somewhat perplex-ing. “I don’t understand why everyone is so excited,” said Pauline Popper (‘12.) “It’s just a store. I mean, unless the last one was just a hole in the wall and never had any of the snacks or food you were looking for and always somehow man-aged to depress you, then I can’t see how this new one can be much better.” Additionally, the Faculty Club is now open to all students for lunch. Previous-ly students could only eat in the Lounge if they were there to be ridiculed by professors and forced to sing and dance for their amusement. Although there was some concern that these additional dining options would lead to confusion among students who, faced with too many options, would be forced into a

state of babbling incoherence, these concerns were quickly dismissed. Although it has yet to open, the Quiz-nos is simply the first in a long line of corporations set to take-over Brandeis this semester. SSIS is soon to be known as “the Trojan center for kinky college kicks,” the LTS help-service is being outsourced to a large firm in India, and the entire Italian Studies department is to be replaced by a Pizza-Hut. “It was a natural progression,” said President Reinharz in an interview with the Justice. “We could focus on academics and all those sort of things, and that area has been working pretty well for us for a while. But we realized that there were opportunities in other areas.” For years corporations have been trying to invade Brandeis’s campus, though many attempts have proven

unsuccessful. One might recall the infamous attempted takeover of Sherman by McDonalds, which many students actually welcomed as an upgrade in quality. However, their inability to convert their ever-popular Pork-Bacon-Lard-Lobster-Big Mac into a comparable kosher option quickly lead to the new restaurant’s demise. This new wave of corporate take-overs, however, looks like it could take hold of campus for good. After a sizable donation to the school, the new science center has been renamed the “Carl & Ruth J. Shapiro & Nike & Google.com Science Complex.” Even more inexplicably, Brandeis stationery has been updated with the new college president’s name, Jehu-da “The Hamburgler” Reinharz.

BY GRETCHEN MCHENRYLikes Tacos

Biggest fund-raising year ever for ‘deis means students are getting hefty rebates

BY DANIEL PIPESStaff Writer

TheBlowfish

JOKE OF THE WEEK:Q: Why couldn’t the bike stand on it’s own?

A: Because it was two-tired!

NOTE FROM THE EDITORS: Once again, The Blowfish has not made any significant changes to our design. If the paper appears differ-ent to you, it simply means you got one of the papers blotted with LSD

Read us online! www.blowmyfish.com!

STEROTYPE NEWS:

PUNCTUATION NEWS:

HIATT NEWS

FRESH-YEAR TIP NEWS:

INTERCOURSE NEWS:

FEED, NEWS:

Obama corners coveted “Irishman Vote” With single apostrophee.Page “<,.*”

“Emo” Student fights for antisocial justice.Page H8

Confused freshman doesn’t understand why Facebook friends don’t translate to real friendsPage 1,324 F(riends)

I got laid this summer! Take that mom and dad!Page 69

Trust us, dude. All of the cool kids eat on the Kosher side.Page 0y!

Career center gets up-date; your resume still pile of steaming shit.Page 1/2

Special Election

Pull-out inside!

Students have been spending their rebates on all kinds of cool shit, as seen here on the great lawn.

Artist’s rendering of the new Quizno’s-to-be.

Student’s prepare for “grown-up person’s” food to make it’s first apperance on campus

their checks to send aid to Darfur, ending that conflict in under four-teen hours. Student entrepreneur Jack Blockman (’09) is starting a “house of ill repute” in Mod 2. Blockman told The Blowfish that he was booked for the entire academic year in under an hour. In a related story, hundreds of freshmen re-ported they sent their check on “uh, you know, stuff.” In another relat-ed story, freshmen virginity levels dropped to almost 50%, the lowest since 1967.

YO, GET THIS:The Blowfish is not a real newspaper, and as such con-tains completely fictional articles. No articles or quotes are truthful by any means and should not be conceived as such. All photos courtesy of the Internet (public domain) and staff.

Judah DruckDaniel Orkin

Sam RoosAnthony Scibelli

Editors

Alex BraverErika Geller

Jordan Goodnough

Alex NorrisRachel SierJordan Smedresman

Staff

PAGE 2- OPINIONINSOMNIA: FOR SUCKERS

BY JOHN Q. PUBICAmerican

SLICE OF APPLE PIE

When I was in elementary school, nothing made me happier than sitting under my favorite cherry tree with a big bowl of Gobstoppers and a stack of Archie comics. I could sit for hours and hours, scooping up spoonfuls of sugary candy and laugh-ing away the hours at Jughead and the gang, while the rest of the class was filing in after recess or leaving to go home. Unfortunately, Morton, the school bully, also liked Archie comics. Morton always hated me because I brought a lunch from home, and there-fore he could never steal my lunch money. I mean, why the fuck would I buy a lunch when everyday I could bring in fresh, juicy squidburgers, dripping with tentacles, from home? The squidburgers they sold at school were always too stringy. In return for not beating me up, I let Morton borrow my Archie comics. Biggest mistake of my life. As it turns out, Morton was also fond of collages, and would cut the voice-bubbles out of every single is-sue I gave him to paste on poster board. For years I read the comics without dialogue. Sure, I was able to follow the general plot through the skillful art-work and complex storytelling, but it just wasn’t enough. And then I heard the news: They were going to be showing an Archie TV show. Finally, I would be able to not only hear the voices of the characters that had filled my life with joy, but also learn what they were actually saying and follow the plot. The only problem was that it was at 3 AM, well past the bedtime of any future award-winning writers

who happen to be a child because it’s in the past. The first few weeks I tried different methods. When I got tired, I would run in circles, or pinch myself to stay awake, but nothing worked. Much as I fought it, I knew what I would have to do. Drink coffee. Tons and tons of motherfucking coffee. And so I did. Coffee at breakfast, coffee at brunch, coffee at second breakfast. Cups and cups, all through the day and night, until finally I reached that magic hour: 3 AM. The first time was surreal. I sat in bed while the rest of the world sleep outside my window, glued to my tiny television. Night after night I completed the ritual, drinking coffee and finishing the entire run of Archie and the Gang. Unfortunately, years and years of drinking nothing but coffee had an unforeseen side effect: I became an insomniac. Even after I gave up the drink, I found that I couldn’t get to sleep. Somehow, the gooey caf-feine molecules found their way into my blood-stream, coursing through my body and powering my heart and brain. At first it was interesting, and fun. When the rest of the world slept, I was awake and alert. I felt like the only man on Earth, like a lost Twilight Zone episode where I wander around an empty city in the middle of the night, screaming like Burgess Meredith into the infinite void. But I got bored of it faster than the Flash do-ing anything. Before, I often wondered about how great it would be if I didn’t have to sleep, and could just work all night. I would get so much accomplished. And for the first year or so I did. I finally finished my screenplay, Rocky VI, which, due to recent events, has unfortunately been reti-tled Rocky V I/II. I also wrote every single column scheduled to appear in this paper for the next three years. But, in reality, there really isn’t that much to do. After a year, I had basically accomplished ev-erything I had set out to do. There is really noth-ing left for me. So now I just sit up and stare at the walls, waiting for the sun to rise outside my window, filled with an empty sense of total and complete accomplishment. Plenty of famous, handsome, successful people have suffered from insomnia. Kafka, for example, and I’m sure plenty of other people. So I feel that I can connect with these great tortured writers and artists. So take it from me. Don’t force yourself into having insomnia just because you’d like to watch an Archie TV show. You might regret it.

LETTERS FROM ROOMMATES

Photo Poll:What was your favorite part about Orientation 2008?

“Watching the OLs move in my rock collection” - Dickhead Freshman

“The whole thing! It was just what I needed!” - Disorientated Man

“Easy access to constuction sites” - Donkey Kong

“It would have been a lot better if there was somewhere I could buy a Scarface poster. So far, college sucks.” - Confused Freshman

“Getting that little dickhead out of the house.” - Dickhead Parents

“Fresh meat! WOO!” - Sterotypical Frat Boy

Hey there roomie! My name is Bill Finger, and it looks like I’ll be your roommate for our freshman year, which I am extremely excited about. Don’t mind me, I was just setting up my side of the room. You can tell from my Tool and Anthrax poster that I am really into loud music, but don’t worry, I made sure to put up enough subwoof-ers in the room so we can get an equal taste. Also, don’t be alarmed by all the chains and rings I have over my body, I’m not one of those weird emo kids. I just have a thing for Satan. Trust me, a year with me and I’m sure you’ll feel the same way. What’s that? You like to go to sleep early? Oh, don’t worry man, I won’t be in the way. I have my fair share of women over at night, but I assume these squeeky bedsprings won’t be an issue. And when I wake up at 5 in the morn-ing for my workout routine, I’ll be sure to be extra quiet with my grunting. Yeah, I sweat a lot, but I hear the air circulation in these fresh-men dorms is really great. ACHOO! Excuse me. Yeah, I get sick kin-da often, and have this disease where I start bleeding kinda easily, so I’ll be sure to put all my bandages on your side of the room so you can quickly fix me up, along with my pus

jar (yeah, I like to keep it, as a souvenir.) Don’t worry about catching anything, I’m pretty sure I got vaccinated for something. Whatever, all dis-eases are the same, am I right?

So I see you’re pre-med, so I guess you’ll be working a lot. That’s alright, I am go-ing to be an American Stud-ies major, so I definitely know a thing or two about hard work. I have a class with this guy Jerry Cohen -- I hear he is a complete hard-ass. But don’t worry, I’m sure bio-chemistry is also tough. Well, I think that just about covers me. I’ll probably be rushing a frat in the coming days, so if I end up coming back to our room wasted once in awhile, don’t freak out. I’m a really friendly drunk, or so I’m told, since I usually end up vomiting ev-erywhere and passing out, never remembering what happened the night before. But you seem like a pretty

chill guy, so I’m sure you’re totally cool. Alright, I’ll let you unpack now. I hope you don’t mind I took a couple of your drawers for my own, but these should be enough space for you too. I mean, the room is over 100 square feet, so you should be covered man. Nice to meet you. I’m looking forward to a year of being best friends!

Sam Zelitch

Thank You For Reading

He even included a picture!

“Plenty of famous, handsome, successful people have suffered from insomnia. Kafka, for exam-ple, and I’m sure plenty of other people.”

Barack “Non-Threatening Middle Name” Obama

47

Not nearly enough. Not nearly enough…

Fear of racism accusations.

Fear of reverse-racism accusations.

The real Hussein was actually a Hillary guy.

Obama’s the hottest potential president since John Kennedy, and by that I mean that he’s exciting and fast-rising, as well

as objectively really good looking, even though I’m like totally straight. Obama has been touring the country and the world to

huge crowds and fanfare, but unfortunately in all the adula-tion he seemed to forget that there was an election, and that he wasn’t winning it by very much at all. When this topic was brought up in a recent media Q and A, Obama told reporters simply that “these weren’t the droids [they’re] looking for.”

And I’ll be damned if he wasn’t right, those were totally differ-ent droids. Wait a minute… tall gold effeminate protocol droid…

mouthy R2 unit… Oh No! The droids! Sorry, I have to go.

John McCain

You expected an old joke here, didn’t you.

Years of torture in Vietnam, years of torture in Congress.

Reminds you of your grandfather that sends you fifty bucks every birthday. That is, when the alzheimers allows him to...

Fear of electing a Cylon to the presidency.

John McCain hates fun.

McCain’s best chances seem to rest on the theory that he is so impossibly elderly that he is likely to be exhausted simply by putting on his flag pin in the morning, making him easy to manipulate and puppeteer. This will allow our friendly neigh-borhood oil and defense companies to help him make the right decisions when it comes to middling issues like War, Energy, Economic Policy, and Tax Law. He also flourishes with voters with violent tendencies and/or short attention spans, as his gruff curmudgeonly nature and military background mean that at any time he could beat a fellow world leader to death. And really, isn’t that what being the President is all about?

FACE OFF ...FOR THE WHITE HOUSE

The faceoff for the whitehouse is growing more and more intense. With both parties conventions happening at the end of August, a would-be voter best read up. To that end, The Blowfish presnets a special breakdwon of everything you need to know for this election.

Age

Experience

Why you will vote for him

Why you won’t vote for him

Fun Fact

Dr. B’s Election Thermometer

Name

SPECIAL ELECTION PULLOUT

Obligated by State Consti-tution to give all electoral votes to George W. Bush.

Everyone from this state is a homosexual (not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

Low voter turnout expected because state is covered in bubbles.

Butch Cassidy has won this state four elections run-ning.

Rest of country secretly agrees not to count this state’s votes.

If you know which state this is, you payed attention in elementary school.

Voting illegal in this state.

Whoa, there’s an election? Trippy, man.

Not aware that there is another half to their state.

Is also allowed to vote in Canadian elections.

Majority of votes discarded after “Voting Booth / Outhouse” confusion.

Votes by coin flip (Heads: McCain, Tails: McCain, Edge: Obama.)

THE LEGENDDecoding the Blowlectoral map

In a speech yesterday to nobody in particular, Republican Presidential candidate John McCain identified yet another threat facing the American public. “These goddamned kids,” ranted McCain “with their wheelie-boards and their techno music, are destroying the fabric of this great nation.” Mc-Cain highlighted “long hair, television, and dope” as the principal cause of what he called “a bunch of disrespectful brats.” McCain said that he felt the current generation of young people were no more than “a bunch of hippies” and felt that “somebody ought to teach those whippersnappers a lesson.” Senator McCain was not shy about suggesting solutions to the problem, either. “Back in my day,” began McCain despite pleas not to, “we shipped ‘em all off to Vietnam. And damned if they didn’t come back broken, empty shells of men, ready to shut their dern yappers and become part of the system like good little Americans. Which is why, if elected, I will start a war with Vietnam, just to teach these punks a lesson.” The passersby that began to assemble to hear McCain speak seemed very taken with his word. “Dude, that guy, like, totally looks like a raisin!” one young hooligan was heard to comment in awe. “I like him because I know he’s not going to try and trick me” explained mother-of-six An-gela Barksdale. “I’ve got six kids. Six! I don’t have time to keep an eye on these politicians, too, running around starting wars and fucking up the economy. With McCain, I know my tax dollars will fund his assisted living fees, and he’ll simply putter around the White House for a few years, tell the nation long boring stories about meals he ate in the 50’s, and fall asleep in the oval office. That’s what I want out of a president.” McCain then declared that, as the press con-ference stretched into the five o’clock hour, that the assembled media had caused him to miss both “Supper” and “Matlock”, and that members of the press “get off his lawn” before he “gave them something to report about.” At press time, it was not clear if McCain realized Matlock has been in re-runs for almost fifteen years.

North Dakota: Okay, I’m go-ing to put something out there. I don’t think this state exists. Out-side of an occasional sighting in the NCAA Tournament, I have no evidence to contradict the idea that it may be a giant train-ing facility where the govern-ment is creating evil robot apes, then training them to be ninjas in a nuclear warfield. You can laugh now, but when evil nuclear robot ninja apes inevitably vote for Mc-Cain (they’re fiscal conservatives and believe strongly in the power of the free market), don’t come crying to me.

Idaho: Fuck Idaho. Seriously, like five people and a million potatoes live in this state, yet it’s still allowed to get four electoral votes. If elections were really fair, Idaho would get jack shit and we’d all be just as happy. But of course not, god forbid we leave out a state as important as Idaho, which has given us...give up?...that’s right, absolutely fucking nothing. Most elections, the embarrassment of being popular in Idaho actually makes a bigger impact than those four votes, so both candidates must be sure to separate themselves from the biggest douchebag state in the Union. Fucking Ida-ho...

Hawaii: Hey! Who left this here? If you can learn to put things back where you found them, you won’t be allowed to play with them.

The Blowfish’s guide to the blowlection presents: A Blow-by-blow breakdown of the states in the blowlectoral collegeMcCain: Biggest Threat to our nation is ‘Damn Kids’

SPECIAL ELECTION PULLOUT

John McCain giving what he calledhis “Best Smile.”

The small community of Exeter, New Hampshire, was in shock this week when local butcher and African-American Tim Henderson confided to friends that he “didn’t think [he] would vote for Obama.” The townsfolk are having a hard time adjusting to the idea. “I mean, I just don’t understand,” opined Alan Trembek, a local carpenter. “He’s black, Obama’s black… it just seems like such a perfect match.” The African-American commu-nity is clearly shaken. Local Alderman Joseph Campbell told The Blowfish: “It’s really beyond anyone’s comprehension. I mean, has he heard Obama speak? The Senator could inspire a fucking potato.” Yet, Henderson says he simply “isn’t sold” on the Junior Senator’s ability to lead the nation. “Obviously, he’s a great orator, and a role model for young people, especially African-Americans,” Backtracked Henderson. “I’m just not sure that a few years working in the Illinois State Senate qualifies him for arguably the single most powerful position on the face

of the Earth. I mean, there’s a lot about his record in Illinois that’s a little confusing, or contradictory, and I’m kind of reti-cent to elect a guy like that. Plus, I’m a fiscal conservative.” It’s unclear whom Henderson will ultimately vote for, though it is almost certain it won’t be for an African-American. He concedes “there’s a good chance I’ll wind up voting for Mc-Cain, if I even vote at all.” Henderson maligned the fact that white candidates like Ron Paul, Hillary Clinton, and Mike Huckabee couldn’t have a real chance in this election. “I guess I just feel like this election process of ours has gotten a little out of hand. I just don’t think two candidates is enough.” Henderson tried to brush off questions about the obvious racial component of his vote, saying, “Race has nothing to do with it. I want a president who can keep this country safe.” Despite these pleas, copies of Henderson’s voting records, illegally stolen by The Blowfish from George Bush’s desk, show that he has never once voted for an African-American presidential candidate. And what’s he implying when he says “safe”? What a racist. Henderson’s story has begun to garner attention nationally as well. The NAACP released a statement calling Henderson a “Straight up Oreo” and asking why he was “tryin’ to fuck this thing up for us.” Obama himself could not be reached directly for comment, but an aide told The Blowfish that the senator was “deeply saddened by this flagrant betrayal of [Hender-son’s] race,” and mentioned that, if elected, Obama will be sure to “show him a confusing record...right in the mouth.” As of press time, it was unclear if this was a threat.

Massachusetts: Voters in Massa-chusetts are sure to have a hard time choosing between an old, conserva-tive, anti-abortion, anti-gay, pro-business candidate and a young, lib-eral, pro-choice, populist one. Yes, the Massachusetts outcome is sure to be a wild one.

Ohio: Did you know the capital of Ohio is Colum-bus? Of course you didn’t, it’s fucking Ohio. In fact, the only thing you probably do know about this state is that it fields shitty baseball teams and was the title of that preachy CSNY song your parents dropped acid to. Well, Ohio tries to change this every election, shoving itself into the limelight by claiming to be an important political battleground. While most candidates can’t seem to figure out why the Ohio vote is important, nev-ertheless months are spent campaigning until a president is chosen, after which Ohio goes back to being that state Lebron James owns.

Idaho: Idaho again? Christ...

The Blowfish’s guide to the blowlection presents: A Blow-by-blow breakdown of the states in the blowlectoral college

Georgia: This state may soon be part of Russia, which could be bad news for McCain.

Louisiana:Named for Supreme Court Jus-tice Louis “Louie” Brandeis, the state of Louisiana has traditionally been ignored by politicians. This is a huge mistake, mostly brought on by ignorance. Although Loui-siana is a modestly sized state, few people realized that it has the most electoral votes in the Union. That’s right, because of out-dated history books and the slow unending pace of American bureaucracy, Louisiana still retains all of the electoral votes that it would have if it were still it’s original size; that is, the entire Louisiana Purchase. When it was originally purchased by Thomas Jef-ferson, Louisiana extended all the way to the West Coast. This gives the state almost as many electoral votes as all of the other states combined.

Delaware: As the first state in the Union, Delaware has the distinctive of being “Uncle Sam’s favorite.” Besides being spoiled by their rich uncle, Delaware holds the power to choose the presidential candidate. If the people of Delaware disapprove of the president, they reserve the right to choose the other candidate. It sucks, but hey, it’s life.

African-American man considering not voting for Obama

Florida- Hurricanes love it, Mickey Mouse lives in it, and some shit happened in 2000. Congratulations, you know ev-erything there is to know about Florida.

“[T]here’s a lot about his record in Illinois that’s a little confusing, or contradictory, and I’m kind of reticent to elect a guy like that. Plus, I’m a fiscal conservative.”-- Tim Henderson

SPECIAL ELECTION PULLOUT

Not learning from out mistakes: elections through historyOog vs. Mog, 11,970 BC: The first election ever, a close battle was fought between two highly prestigious hunter-gatherers in Pan-gaea. Oog had an early lead, as Mog’s pas-sage of laws banning the use of automatic and semi-automatic rocks and clubs lost much support from the woolly mammoth hunting demographic, while his use of the wheel greatly offended religious voters. However, Mog was able to rebound simply by killing a dinosaur, thus wooing all female voters for a landslide victory. “Oooh blah frhoo” is all Oog managed to say, shaking his head in shame. “Oooh blah frhoo.”

Harding vs. Gerard, 1920: Man, this elec-tion was a doozy, right? Trick question! For-mer Ambassador to Germany James W. Ge-rard of New York wasn’t the nominee, it was Governor James M. Cox of Ohio! Who’s an asshole now?

Kennedy vs. Nixon, 1970: Often known as the first time that television played a major

role, this election set the precedent for many elections to come, as seen in our current elec-tion, in which voters can text in their votes to see which candidate wins, while the other trav-els to the “Island of Doom,” where he must go through numerous challenges in order to get a tiki torch from Jeff Probst. In the election’s first debate, Kennedy came out looking young and fit, while Nixon looked kinda like a raccoon that had been run over by an SUV a number of times, then left in the sun to rot for hours. While nobody seemed to notice that Nixon discussed many intelligent ideas to help the country grow while Kennedy heiled Hitler a number of times, at that point, America had already made its de-cision.

Clinton vs. Dole, 1996: Famous for being the first election you pretended to pay attention to so you could impress your 4th grade teacher with your vast knowledge of “the economy…and stuff…” Things really looked up for you when you ran as class president that year, prom-ising more jobs, better healthcare, and expand-

Although Bill Clinton’s appearance on Arsen-io Hall is reported as the first instance of a presidential candidate on a late night show, this is inaccurate. A number of politicians have appeared on such programs over the years. Clinton’s ap-pearance was simply the most successful and most widely cel-ebrated. What follows are a few notable ap-pearances by presi-dents and presidential candidates that have gone terribly awry: Few who witnessed Richard Nixon’s appear-ance on the Johnny Carson show during his bid for reelection have forgotten the catastrophe. Sweating profusely and constantly fidgeting with his ascot, the president delivered a brief stand-up monologue. Although his opening joke about “Chinamen” was met with a few po-lite laughs, the rest of his material was viewed as “unsettling,” “mumbled” and “anti-Semitic.”

As the news media prepares to enter 36-hour-a-day coverage of the Presidential race, the in-creased scrutiny often turns up new informa-tion that can swing elections. We all remember in October 2004, when the Swift Boat veterans successfully undercut Democrat John Kerry’s service in Vietnam. And before that, in 2000, news that George W. Bush had been issued a DWI years earlier broke just a few days before the election, locking down the critical “drunk driver” vote (sometimes known as the “Re-publican” vote) and helping propel him into the White House. While it remains to be seen what issue will ultimately screw Obama out of the election he has rightfully been granted by his father, The Lord Almighty Jehovah, The Blowfish has re-searched deep into the night to try and find for you the story that will shape the next four to eight years of our nation’s future. And did we ever hit pay dirt. Most Americans already know that John Mc-Cain began his relationship with Cindy Mc-Cain in 1979 (about a year before he divorced his first wife, Carol-- remember kids, it’s not morally wrong to cheat if you’re a registered Republican!), but few are aware that, as ter-rifying as it is to imagine the McCains mak-ing love, that John and Cindy have had sex at least three times-- because that’s the number of children they have. Now, dear reader, you are probably starting to wonder “So? Most presidents have children before they take office, and almost all of them

have had sex!” [Ed’s Note: The exception here is Lyndon B. Johnson, who died a virgin] Well, dear reader, maybe you should stop being so mouthy and read on. We’re getting to the point, I promise. The point is that McCain’s oldest, Meghan McCain, is a twenty-four-year old hottie. Seri-ously. Look at the picture. She’s blonde, uses a Mac (and a Powerbook at that; clearly she’s in it for the high-end media-based software, not the

trendy commercials), she drinks alone, and she’s surprising buxom. To top that, she’s a blogger! A blogger! Tell me you haven’t spent countless nights wondering what it would be like to fuck a buxom blogger. Studies done at The Blowfish Institute for Hotness showed that Meghan is the hottest first daughter since Paris McKinley, best remembered for the scandalous daguerreotype of her kissing her boyfriend that was distributed quickly thanks to the advent of the Pony Express. And after the disappointing performance out of the current first daughters, the Bushettes, (who not only look dis-turbingly like their grandmother, but acted dis-turbingly like their father) and the absolute farce that was Chelsea “Ginger” Clinton, who not only was too young for voters to legally lust after, but then turned into a total boner-killer by going to nerd-farm Princeton. Meghan, on the other hand, majored in Art History at Columbia, where it is rumored that she was “like totally bohemian” and “a little slutty, but not in a gross way, just in an at-tainable way, you know? It was hot” according to urban legend. In contrast, Barack Obama’s own children are an embarrasing 10 and 7 years old, leading some to wonder if they are experienced enough to lead our nation’s children. So, while the campaigns rage on, keep an eye on Meghan McCain. Even if she doesn’t end up being the deciding factor, you’ll probably enjoy keeping your eyes on her. Just don’t let her dad catch you scoping her out-- we hear he’s a real nut.

One of the earliest occurrences of political sat-ire appeared during Julius Caesar’s reign in An-cient Rome. It was during this time that a num-ber of comic actors had begun experimenting with the comic archetypes that exist to this day. One of these comic actors, Chevius Chasemus, became well known at this time for his popular impression of Julius Caesar, appearing weekly at a Saturday night, live theater. Spectators at the time described Chasemus’s impression as “bit-ingly funny” and “an accurate caricature” noting that the actor “calls attention to Caesar’s short-comings by mimicking and amplifying a number of his mannerisms, including his stutter and fre-quent toe-snapping.” In response to Chasemus’s popularity, and in an attempt to prove his own sense of humor, Julius Caesar sentenced Chase-mus to death by lions. Reports from critics de-scribe the execution as “hilarious” and possibly Chasemus’s best work, calling specific attention to his dedication to physical comedy, especially considering his increasing lack of physicality. At least one critic noted that “it will be very hard for Chasemus to top this performance.”

Special Report: Meghan McCain is pretty fucking hot

Those blonde, flowing locks, that come-hither gaze... yeah, I could vote for that.

SPECIAL ELECTION PULLOUT

Political satire in Roman times

ing social security. Yes, you were a shining example of what it takes to be the President. Sadly, you lost badly because that asshole Jake simply promised more candy in the school and talking TVs instead of teachers. Also marks the first day you started despising going to school.

Hopper vs. Grammar, 2008: Taking place in the soon to be famous film Swing Vote, this exciting election came down to a single vote, namely that of Kevin Costner, who we assume was on break from his latest baseball film, Strike Out!, in which he plays a retired baseball player who is forced to return to the big leagues because his daughter is sick with a sympathy-inducing health problem, all of which leads to a mix of hilarity and wackiness, while also maintaining the important message about the need for friends and family in times of hard-ship. While nobody really saw this film, we can assume it was awesome, since you know any time you have a choice between Dennis Hopper and Kelsey Grammar, you’re gonna come out ahead.

After the set, Johnny waved the president over to the couch, but only so he could quip, “And I thought the only bomb-ing you were doing was in Cambodia.” In the mid-1980s, presi-dent Ronald Reagan ap-peared on the children’s program Sesame Street, in a bid to win support and show that he was not afraid to visit “an in-ner city, urban neighbor-hood.” Although appear-ances on the program by celebrities like Vincent Price and Stevie Wonder have been lauded, many

view this move as a miscalculation by the presi-dent. Moments after filming began it became ob-vious that he would be difficult to identify when standing alongside the other Muppets. After forget-ting the words to a duet with Ernie, he confused Oscar the Grouch for Mikhail Gorbachev. At vari-ous times he reminded viewers that the show had been brought to them by the letter “M,” “Lucky Strike cigarettes” and “the Gipper.”

Political TV spots

Ronald Reagan (C, in Trashcan) on Sesame St.

Pharaoh delivers Oscar-worthy Dictatorship

BY: NIGEL SUPPLEWOODFilm Critic / Egyptologist

Burdened with such summer clunkers as Indi-ana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, one must thank the gods for the rare sequel that comes as an actual improvement over the origi-nal. I’m talking, of course, about the historical event that everyone seems to be talking about this summer: the reign of Ramses II. Despite how it might have looked from the out-side, the role of pharaoh was a deeply challenging position, one only attempted by Egypt’s noblest royalty. Unfortunately, over time and through various interpretations, the role had become a mere clownish stereotype, a sort of costume that otherwise serious Egyptians might try on in or-der to practice their buffooneries. Romerhotep, for instance, was fond of telling crass jokes and puns. The first Ramses, albeit the greatest miz-marist to ever come out of Memphis, developed some sense of character, but he showed neither the emotional depth nor natural, sprightly physi-cality that his usurper would eventually bring to the part. These prior pharaohs were just clowns in little fake beards. Ramses II may have worn the same little fake beard (as was customary for the pharaoh to wear) but during his reign for the first time we were able to see the pharaoh as a real and-- dare I say-- likable human being.

Foremost on the minds of his fans, however, is his famous early death, which scholars agree oc-curred of a drug overdose in the year 1213 B.C., at the age of 91. Some suspect intentionality in the act, as if playing the pharaoh for so long without a break may have lead young Ramses to end his own life. Additional to the theory that his death was intentional was his gargantuan stone tomb that must have been constructed years before his planned demise, and the several hermetically sealed jars found near his corpse, containing his liver, heart, and a delicious pickled herring that maintained its sharp taste even 3,300 years later. Despite such an elaborate suicide, we are grate-ful for the humble legacy he left behind, not to mention the hoards of obelisks and stone stat-ues still causing traffic congestion in the Greater Abu Simbel area. Ramses was undeniably great, but the question remains: was he Oscar-worthy? No doubt there are great individuals every year who somehow fail to receive due recognition, but the Acade-my’s dismissal of Pharaoh Ramses has gone on for more than three thousand years! Talk about lifetime achievement, Ramses accomplished more than most Olympic athletes, especially with a career lasting past the age of 11. I can be realistic: a win would be nice, naturally, but a nomination would be of comparable value. And then again it might not be the right time, now. There’s always next millennium. But if not Ramses, Academy, please don’t for-get Bernie Mac.

The Gods Must be Chinese!With the Olympic games finally over, The Blowfish presents some of Beijing’s biggest stories

Following an extremely successful trip to the Olympics this past week, the Chinese women’s gym-nastics team recently returned triumphantly home, ready to take on a new challenge: kindergarten. After winning numerous gold medals, including defeating the United States in the women’s team all-around, the Chinese team was sent back to school where they could continue to develop their skills outside of the gym. “I am really looking forward to this stage in my life,” said one member of the team, before realizing that it was 2 PM, signaling nap time. Others shared similar feelings, prov-ing once and for all that the Chinese are legally allowed to have feelings. Of course, these reports have further fueled speculation that the Chinese team fielded an under-age team, as many Internet records had some members listed well below the required age of sixteen. While the International Olympic Committee is currently investigating such re-ports, China has vehemently denied such alle-gations. “This is preposterous,” said one Chi-nese official, who was too busy breast-feeding a girl who looked suspiciously like He Kexin, winner of the uneven bars, to elaborate. While many have pointed out that kinder-garten is meant for five year olds, the Chinese government was quick to give an explana-tion. “It’s like that movie Jack where Robin Williams ages really fast but is really young. Except, you know, the exact opposite.” The Blowfish sent a reporter to China to get more info on such a ridiculous claim, but he has since mysteriously disappeared. Of course, while the “women” have proven themselves capable of completing fantastic flips in the air, maintaining their balance on the balance beam, and doing whatever the hell you are supposed to be doing on the pommel horse, many are unsure how they will stack up in the classroom. In early preliminary rounds, He Kexin, a member of the Chinese team, managed to clock in at a mere 17.6 seconds in the Macaroni Picture competition, while Jiang Yuyan, after failing to be allowed out of the room to go to the bathroom because someone was already out, simply sat in the corner and cried. The impact of the current IOC investigation is sure to be significant. Many suspect that if the Chinese women are, in fact, underage, their medals will be revoked, the team will be banned from further competitions, and, as a result, China will start World Wars III and IV. Others suspect that the IOC will find nothing, being that they were apparently too stupid to notice in the first place that the team looked like a fetus does four months into pregnancy. Bela Karolyi, NBC commentator and fa-mous gymnastics coach, also voiced in, but The Blowfish was unable to understand anything he said through his Sweedish Chef accent. Whatever the case may be, this story is unlikely to go away. That is, unless the Chinese have it mysteriously disappear.

In addition to achieving eight gold medals and becoming, arguably, the greatest Olym-pian since Aristotle, Michael Phelps has made an achievement that many celebrated scientists and television producers thought impossible: he made swimming watchable for one whole week. In the past t e l e v i s i o n p r o d u c e r s have care-fully avoided any nautical themed pro-g ramming , because these shows had a tendency to be “so fuck-ing boring.” Phelps, how-ever, proved that Ameri-cans would watch some-thing com-pletely bor-ing, as long as a world record was on the line. “We should have thought of it years ago,” said Wally Gingerbuns, the producer behind television shows like My Four Granddads and America’s Next Top Hat. “I mean, we obvious-ly avoided shows like So You Think You Can Swim? and The Office: Underwater because they were terrible ideas. But if a world record

NEWS- PAGE 3

Some suspect intentionality in the act, as if play-ing the pharaoh for so long without a break may have lead young Ramses to end his own life

is on the line, people will be glued to their sets. It’s a can’t lose formula.” Doctors and scientists claimed that the source of Phelps’s abilities come from the size of his heart, which is comparable to that of a giraffe or Globetrot-ter. According to Phelps, his freakishly over-sized heart was the result of one Christmas morning, when

the he over-heard a village singing and his heart grew three sizes. This also might explain why the Grinch has excelled at synchronized diving. However, now that Phelps has won every swimming re-cord known to man, with the exception of the ever-elusive re-cord for great-est swimming

mustache (still held by Mark Spitz), networks are planning to retire swimming programs for the near future. However, being that the US is up for nu-merous records in gymnastics next Olympics, look for a new string of shows revolving around the nu-merous teenagers spreading their legs and looking way too attractive for their age to be aired. Oh wait, there already is a 90210.

Michael Phelps Makes Swimming Watchable For Two Weeks

In yet another tragic escalation of the Russian-Georgian War, Russian track-and-field Olympic contenders brazenly stormed Beijing Star Hotel last weekend, barging into the suite belonging to the Georgian women’s synchronized swimming team and conducting what can only be described as one of the most horrific panty-raids of the modern era. Human rights groups were quick to condemn the action and urge both sides to show restraint, citing the Geneva Conventions and the Anti-Cootie Ac-cords, as did a variety of world leaders, including UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon. “The only way this crisis can be resolved,” announced Ban in a recent statement, “is if the Georgians agree to end persecution of the South Osetians, and the Russians both withdraw from Georgia and return all of the pilfered panties, including both ‘g-string’ and ‘granny’ varieties.” The Georgian victims of this latest tragedy had been moved to a refugee camp, and were unavailable for comment.

Russian Olympians open second war front

Michael Phelps can even make golf interesting. GOLF!

This is what they thought “reading” was.

PAGE 4- P.S.

Presidential candidate Barack Obama’s re-cent decision to choose Senator Joe Biden as his running mate was seen as yet another step in the Obama campaign towards change. Biden, a wealthy, Christian, white politician who at-tended law school, is a true sign of Obama’s revolutionary ideas. Many were worried that electing a black man would seem a bit too cliche for a campaign that has mostly revolved around innovation, including new Iraq war strategies, and new ways to cover up such strategies when they invariably get fucked up. Therefore, it seems like a bril-liant move for Obama to turn to the kind of politician not seen in the White House in re-cent memory. "Personally, I think this makes Obama the clear front runner," said political correspondent and facial hair enthusiast Wolf Blitzer. "I for one cannot wait to finally see a white man in power."

Yet, there are those who see the Biden selec-tion as being too radical. "Why do we have to disrupt the natural order of politics by having a white Christian in power?," said Rush Lim-baugh, political commentator and all around douchebag. "Leave it to the liberals to have to make a statement by turning politics upside-down. What's next, white hockey players?"

National polls show many voters are comfort-able electing a white man to power, though

there are some, especially those from the deep south, that admit they are not quite ready to look past skin color. "I mean, I'm not racist or anything," said one Alabamian, who asked that his name be withheld. "But I just can't imagine a white man being so close to the Presidency. My conservative values just don't allow it." While Obama now holds a steady lead, look for John McCain's pick to be just as contro-versial, perhaps even going so far as to choose a wealthy Vice President, another would-be first.

Obama’s VP Pick Furthers Promise of Change

The final political frontier: A white, male, vice president.

BY ANGELO MARTINEZNot Hispanic

“Leave it to the liberals to have to make a state-ment by turning politics upside-down. What’s next, white hockey players?”

-- Rush Limbaugh

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1. Blocks, bands 5. Wilson of Matilda 9. Vibes 14. Poisonous 19. Large scale 20. First year law student, for short 21. Old, trite 22. Celestial hunter 23. ____ question (inquire) 24. Bambi’s dad 25. Pavarotti, for one 26. Long (for) 27. Andy Kaufman chases a falling star in this biopic? 31. Maui meal 32. Visualize 33. Federal retirement org. 34. Extra qtrs. 35. Pea holder 38. Electronics giant 40. Reuters rival, for short 42. CEO degree 43. Evil Kryptonian general 46. That guy who won’t shut up in class? 48. Anna Karenina goes to infinity

and beyond in this feel good film? 54. Some digits 55. Measuring cup material 56. Quid pro ____ 57. Cipher 58. 16th century Spanish fleet 61. Screw up 62. Ipod outlet 63. Less bright 65. Bowser enemy 67. CBS hit 68. Yoga accessory 69. Hosp. areas 70. John McClane peruses The Satanic Verses in this thriller? 75. One ____ million 77. “I hope I get an ____ this test!” 78. Furry TV alien 79. Mass meeting 80. Life story 82. Concorde, for one 83. Tiger org. 85. Grammar teacher’s concern 89. Buckeye state 90. Ganja 91. False move 93. Overhang 94. Shakespeare wannabe hijacks criminal carrier in this action flick? 98. Skiing mecca 99. Fe fi fo ____ 100. Cellular energy source, for

one 101. Circle segment 102. “Absolutely!” 104. Time period 105. Deis improv group 106. Tree fluid 108. Creed 111. Top of a sundial 113. Denzel Washington uses a golden compass to find his missing charge in this drama? 120. Couple cuddle 122. Edison’s ____ Park 123. Elderly 124. Carrier to Tel Aviv 125. Peter of Casablanca and M 126. ____ Gold (1997 Fonda film) 127. In ____ of flowers... 128. This, in Tijuana 129. “____ we all?” 130. ESPN figures 131. Digital displays, briefly 132. Punishment unit Down

1. Kidney or Lima 2. Church nook 3. _____ Tiki Tembo 4. Resell illegally 5. Brandeis Pre-Orientation pro-gram 6. Against 7. Paper quantities 8. They make pools green 9. Concerning 10. 120-Across, for one 11. Tirades 12. Honolulu hello 13. Arid, withered 14. Camry and Sienna 15. Twistable cookies 16. Terra-cotta warriors site 17. Super ending? 18. Atlanta-based network? 28. Robot from The Day the Earth Stood Still 29. Castrate, as a pet 30. _____ Dick 35. Hummus holder 36. Stench 37. Carpe ____ 39. Swiss peak 41. Plague 42. Bovine bellow 43. Raced 44. Judge’s cry 45. Salon workers 47. First name in terrorism? 49. Keep an ____... 50. Hockey legend Bobby 51. A kraken is a huge one 52. Formal attire, for short 53. Vintage film channel

59. ____ Lama 60. Knight garb 62. Baseball bat wood 63. Author Roald, and others 64. 2006 World Cup winner 66. Bond creator Fleming 67. Liq. in the brain 68. ____ culpa 70. Dr. Seuss character 71. Bob Marley, for one 72. Final, abbr. 73. Ahmadinejad, for one 74. Hall of Famer Sandberg, and others 75. “See ya later!” 76. India’s first Prime Minister 81. Ball or bass ending 82. Cry 83. Erasable writing implement 84. Jolie title role 86. Record 87. Declare 88. TV warrior princess 90. Sony handheld device 91. 6-Down’s opposite 92. Attempt 95. Presidential appointees 96. Slanted type, abbr. 97. Juliet’s surname 98. Z ____ zebra 103. Uris novel 105. Rose feature 106. Competed in a bee 107. Sleep disorder 109. Miniscule 110. Harry Potter specialty 112. “____ Pretty” (West Side Story song) 113. Skin opening 114. Controversial radio host 115. Defeat 116. Requirement 117. Ingrid in Casablanca 118. “Darn!” 119. In the Valley of ____ 120. Patty Hearst kidnappers 121. ____ favor

BOOKS ON FILM...Ebert and Roper give Johngrishamericanpie two thumbs up!