APOCALYPSE ANONYMOUS

Written by

Alex Luber

OVER BLACK we hear a VOICE:

GABE (V.O.)Hi. Im Gabe.

A chorus of VARIED VOICES answers.

VOICES (V.O.)Hi Gabe!

GABE (V.O.)What was I doing on April 18th?

FADE IN:

INT. BOAT SHOWROOM - DAY

GABE (30) A tired man with a shaky voice passes row after row of expensive yachts, speedboats and jet skis.

He pays no mind to the HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE dismantling boats behind him as he holds a small MOTOR in his arms.

SEVERAL EMPLOYEES are huddled around a small television set.

NEWS ANCHOR (O.S.)We are getting word that a rag-tag group of soldiers, computer hackers and astronauts are currently planning a last-ditch effort to destroy the asteroid. Their plan, however, is not likely to succeed and new data shows that we are all pretty much fucked.

The news banner changes to: Breaking News: Humanity Fucked.

Gabe is oblivious to the newscast as he marches past the television toward the door of an OFFICE at the back of the showroom.

Its walls are huge windows looking out onto the showroom.

After taking a deep breath, Gabe CHUCKS the motor through the window. It SHATTERS into pieces as he steps through.

INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

DAVE (35) with greasy hair and a very punchable face looks up in alarm from the small TV at his desk.

DAVEChrist, Gabe! What the fuck!

An empty bottle of Jack Daniels falls from Daves desk and shatters on the floor.

Gabe is calm and casual.

GABEDave, can I say something?

EXT. SUBURBS - DAY

Gabe walks towards a typical house on a suburban street.

Several LOOTERS break into homes behind Gabe, a fire is raging down the block.

Gabe just keeps walking towards the front door ahead of him.

He knocks.

GABES DAD, RICHARD (60) answers the door.

RICHARDGabe? Hi.

GABEDad, Can I say something?

INT. APARTMENT STAIRWELL - NIGHT

Gabe climbs the stairs of his apartment complex.

Sirens blare and the sound of riotous crowds can be heard through the paper-thin walls.

Gabe pays no mind to them as he stops at an apartment door and knocks.

A WOMAN, MELANIE (30) answers. She is out of breath and sweating.

MELANIEBabe? Youre alive.

She pulls him into a crushing hug.

Gabe reciprocates for a brief moment and then steps back.

GABEMelanie, Can I say something?

2.

INT. BOAT SHOWROOM - DAY

Back in his office, Dave is unprepared for the ensuing onslaught.

GABEDave, I quit.

DAVEYeah. No duh.

Gabe takes a deep breath.

GABEI fucking hate you. I hate you so much. Youre the dictionary definition of douchebag. You went on your honeymoon to the UFC world championships. Last week, You called me gay in front of the whole office because I brought in Hummus with my lunch. And yesterday, I had to sell that yacht that you picked up that hooker in. The customer asked me what that smell was and I had to lie and say it was just new boat smell. I dont even know what that is!

DAVEGabe--

GABERemember when you said anyone who sold 12 boats last December would get a raise and then you cancelled the contest after I sold my 11th? I didnt even say anything to you. I sold 14 by the end of the month and yes, getting the commission was nice but you promised a raise as an incentive and then you didnt have the balls to back it up. I was so stoked about it. Like I was finally gonna win something for working hard. Like playing by the rules would actually pay off for once.

Gabe is shaking with anger. Dave stares at him blankly.

GABE (CONTD)Fuck you, Dave. I quit.

3.

EXT. SUBURBS - DAY

Gabe still stands at his dads door.

GABEListen, Dad. Mom left you when I was ten and she barely saw you after that. And I have always wondered why I still visit you. I know I had to by law when I was little but when I came of age, why did I still see you? I mean youre just an awful, awful father. Its the literal end of the world and you didnt even call your own son. You have my cell number when you forget your own wifi password or you call me to talk about March Madness. Which I dont follow for the thousandth time. But God forbid you even tell your own son that he meant something to you. Youll be dead in a few hours and you were probably perfectly okay with your last act on earth being watching Sports Center in your boxers and scratching at your balls. I just wanted to tell you that. Because I know if I hadnt shown up today our last conversation would be some forced attempt at civility over the phone while I pretend to care about last nights episode of Pawn Stars. Goodbye, dad.

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

Gabe is more emotional than weve previously seen him.

Before he begins his rant, TOM (25) crosses the apartment naked. Gabe doesnt see him as he rushes out of view.

GABEMelanie. I love you and I always will. But Im sick and tired of listening to you. And I mean that in two separate ways: Listening to you as in always doing exactly what you tell me and Listening to you as in hearing you speak. I have wasted two years of my life with you.

(MORE)

4.

Two years I could have spent doing something worthwhile or even spent doing something thats a complete waste of time like learning origami or something. Even learning to fold paper into different animal shapes is more valuable than the time Ive spent with you.

MELANIEGabe, what the fuck?

GABEAlso Im glad to know youre so embarrassed by me that you had to tell your parents Im an Aquatic conveyance specialist. I just sell boats. I know that, you know that and your parents, who are stupid, stupid people know that.

MELANIECan we leave my parents out of this, please?

GABEIm sorry. I just needed to tell you that... you make me hate myself and that in turn makes me hate you. You know I only had one missed call from you today. One. An asteroid is going to murder every human on earth and you didnt try calling me a second time when I didnt answer. Im breaking up with you. Enjoy the next twelve minutes.

He leaves.

Melanie is stunned for a moment and then retreats back into her apartment.

INT. STAREWELL - CONTINUOUS

Gabe breathes a sigh of relief and begins to cry. Everything hes been holding in has now been said.

EXT. APARTMENT - NIGHT

Gabe exits into the streets. HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE are still running around in a panic.

GABE (CONT'D)

5.

Gabe looks to the sky to see A GIGANTIC ASTEROID rapidly approaching.

Gabe staggers backwards as the fireball grows ever closer.

Everyone on the street screams in preparation for their imminent demise; Gabe winces as the light from the flames shine a bright light onto the street.

SUDDENLY, A spaceship comes hurtling through the sky and shoots the Asteroid. It Explodes into a cosmic fireworks display.

The crowds stare up at the sky in amazement and silence.

Then, they ERUPT in triumph.

Everyone hugs and cheers as BEAUTIFUL MUSIC swells.

Gabe stands alone.

GABEFuck.

INT. MEETING ROOM - NIGHT

We are in a typical community center. A flier on the wall reads: Apocalypse Anonymous

About THIRTY PEOPLE sit on chairs arranged in a circle.

Gabe is finishing up his story.

GABESo I had effectively placed all of my chips on the world ending. I burned every bridge Ive ever built. Now I dont know what to do.

RONNIE an OLD MAN (70) calls out.

RONNIEThat was it?

GABEYeah.

Ronnie laughs callously.

RONNIESo the world was ending and you just made a bunch of speeches and alienated everyone in your life?

(MORE)

6.

Thats a normal Tuesday for me. Come talk to me when the apocalypse causes you to do what I did.

GABEWhat did you do?

RONNIEI killed my neighbor.

GABEWhat?

RONNIEYeah. His stupid little French bull-dog always shits on the sidewalk outside my house and I just had enough. You know?

GABESo you just killed him?

RONNIEYeah. It was the end of the world. Didnt really matter, did it?

GABEHoly shit. Do you feel bad about it?

RONNIEWhat?

GABEDo you feel bad for killing your neighbor?

RONNIEIm gonna be honest with you. Not as bad as I thought I would feel.

GABEWho else killed someone during the end of the world?

a few more members of the group raise their hands.

GABE (CONTD)Jesus.

JANINE (50) speaks up.

RONNIE (CONT'D)

7.

JANINEI didnt kill anyone. I just stole from the library. Well not really stole. You see, they have these books on tape that I really like to listen to but you can only take out one at a time and I took out three.

RONNIEBut the world was ending.

JANINEYeah.

RONNIESo when would you have gotten the chance to listen to them?

JANINEI dont understand the question.

Gabe disregards Janine and keeps pressing.

GABELet me ask you guys something. Why do you come here if you arent remorseful?

RONNIECourt ordered. The government figured if they arrest everyone for their crimes during the almost apocalypse, there would be no one left. So they make us go to these stupid meetings.

GABEI see.

RONNIEWell why are you here?

GABEI just... needed people to listen.

RONNIEWow what a pussy.

JANINEIm just here to party.

Janine removes a flask from her purse and takes a large gulp.

8.

GABESo none of you feel bad?

The group shakes their heads.

GABE (CONTD)But you guys ruined your own lives! You let your actions over the course of six hours determine... everything!

RONNIEWe didnt ruin anything. I dont regret nothing.

GABEBut--

RONNIEListen, kid. Did you ever just think to ask for your job back? Have you even seen your girlfriend since that night?

GABE...No.

RONNIEThen what are you doing here?

GABEI wouldnt know what to say anyone.

The group utters a collective groan.

INT. BOAT SHOWROOM - DAY

Gabe enters through the front door of the showroom.

He keeps his head down as he passes his FORMER CO-WORKERS. A FEMALE CO-WORKER laughs.

FEMALE CO-WORKERWalk of shame.

The group laughs.

Gabe waves awkwardly at them.

GABEHey.

9.

He walks on toward the back office. Its large window is now replaced.

Gabe knocks.

DAVE (O.S.)Yeah?

INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

GABEDave?

DAVEWow. What the fuck do you want?

Gabe stammers.

DAVE (CONTD)-- Please dont tell me you want your job back.

GABEI--

DAVEChrist. Tell me, Gabe. Would you hire you again?

GABENo.

DAVEThen what are you doing here?

GABE...I was going to ask for my job back.

DAVEYou know what, Gabe? Youre fucking pathetic. You say all that shit to me and then come back here to beg me to re-hire you?

GABEDave, I--

DAVENo, Gabe. You really want your job back?

10.

GABEYeah.

DAVEAre you sorry for all the shit you said?

GABEYeah.

DAVEThen you have to apologize to me in front of the whole office.

Dave dials the phone on his desk. His voice echoes through the intercom in the showroom.

DAVE (CONTD)Will all employees please meet me in the back office? Thank you.

Gabe waits as everyone shuffles into the small office.

DAVE (CONTD)So. Are you ready.

GABEYeah.

DAVEGood. Now fucking apologize.

GABEIm... sorry.

DAVEAbout what? Be specific, motherfucker.

The whole office laughs.

GABEIm sorry that I... called you a douchebag.

DAVEAnd...

GABEAnd told you to go fuck yourself.

DAVEAnd...

11.

GABEAnd shattered your window with a boat motor.

The whole office erupts in laughter.

DAVEJesus, that was you?

GABEWhat?

DAVEYoure the one that broke my window?

GABEYeah. Dont you remember?

DAVENah. I dont remember shit. I was so fucking hammered.

GABESo how do you know that I quit?

DAVEI didnt. Stephanie said you ran out of here crying like a little bitch the other day so I just put the pieces together.

Gabe is shaking with anger and embarrassment.

DAVE (CONTD)Now get the fuck back to work. For some reason everyone almost dying was a great incentive to buy a boat.

Everyone starts to leave the office.

GABESo I have my job back?

DAVEYeah. But youre paying for my fucking window.

(beat)And hang this up.

Dave hands gabe a sign that reads NO RETURNS.

Gabe straightens his tie a walks back into the showroom.

12.

Next, we see a SERIES OF SHOTS:

- Gabe looks at the showroom TV. A news banner reads: OVERPOPULATION CONCERNS PROJECTED FOR 9 MONTHS FROM NOW

- Gabe walks down the street and past a GLASS REPAIR MAN counting a ridiculously large stack of cash in his truck.

- A MAN carrying a TV walks up to the door of an electronics store. THE OWNER meets him at front door.

MAN WITH TVHi. I stole this from you guys a week ago. You can have it back if you want. My wife actually stole a bigger one.

- Gabe stands in front of a large wall. It has hundreds of pictures stapled onto it of missing people and animals. He stares at each of the faces.

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Gabe is in mid-apology with Melanie.

GABEIm sorry. I was being selfish and shitty and I really fucked up big time. And Im sorry.

MELANIEYou already said you were sorry.

GABEOh I did? Shit. Sorry. I mean... Shit.

Melanie laughs. This eases the tension a bit.

GABE (CONTD)So can we just pretend that it never happened?

MELANIEWe can try at least.

Gabe laughs and breaths a sigh of relief.

GABEOkay.

They kiss.

13.

MELANIEOh and Rebeccas having a party tomorrow night so Id appreciate it if you didnt mention us breaking up. I havent told anyone.

GABEOh. Okay.

INT. MEETING ROOM - NIGHT

Gabe is back at another meeting. Hes surrounded by the same group of miscreants.

A young man of 20, ROCKO is talking.

ROCKO...So I said fuck it and just went for it.

Another man, STEVE (35) speaks up.

STEVEAnd then what happened?

ROCKOWell I just let them all go. Its the apocalypse, why should they all spend their last moments in a zoo?

STEVEOkay. I see your point but no ones getting their mail because the Rhinos have taken up residence in the post office and no one has the balls to kick them out.

ROCKOOh boohoo. Its the 21st century just use email you fucking plebeians.

DONNIE(to Gabe)

Whats up with you and your girlfriend, kid?

GABEWere back together!

The group applauds unenthusiastically.

14.

RONNIE(sarcastically)

Good for you, kid. We were all on the edge of our seats.

GABEIts actually a funny story I was--

JANINE--Did I ever tell any of you about that orgy I went to that day?

The group shakes their head in disgust as Janine begins her story.

Gabe sinks back into his seat and listens.

INT. CAR - NIGHT

Gabe drives with Melanie in the passenger seat.

MELANIEThis will be fun.

GABEYeah. I cant believe something as normal as a dinner party can still exist.

MELANIEPlease. Dont mention anything that happened in the apocalypse.

GABEWhy not? I bet everyone has some great stories.

MELANIEIts sort of taboo now. No one likes bringing that up. And like I said, dont bring up our break up.

GABEFine.

MELANIE...I wish you didnt wear that shirt.

Gabe looks down at his mustard colored button-down.

GABEWhy?

15.

MELANIEIt just... doesnt look good.

GABEYou should have said something before we left.

MELANIEI only just noticed. Its no big deal.

GABEThen why did you say anything?

MELANIEGabe, please.

He is silenced. They drive on.

INT. REBECCAS HOUSE - DINING ROOM - NIGHT

About TWELVE GUESTS are seated around a big table. They are chattering excitedly.

REBECCA, the party host, talks across the table to Gabe.

REBECCASo, Gabe hows work?

GABEWorks great.

REBECCAThats great!

The whole table eats silently.

REBECCA (CONTD)Must be nice to have a steady job.

MICHAEL (30) from another end of the table speaks.

MICHAELOh Gabe, what do you do?

MELANIEGabe is an aquatic conveyance specialist.

MICHAELOh wow. That sounds pretty hard.

Melanie meets Gabes disappointed look.

16.

The dining room door swings open and JANINE, the older woman from Gabes meeting enters the room with TOM. She is his senior by about thirty years.

REBECCAOh Janine, youre here!

Rebecca gets up to hug her and accepts the bottle of wine wrapped in a bow that Janine is holding.

Gabe coughs up a bit of his soup onto his lap.

Rebecca addresses the table.

REBECCA (CONTD)This is Janine and Tom, everyone.

The group exchanges hellos.

Gabe and Janines eyes lock.

So do Melanie and Toms.

INT. DINING ROOM - LATER

The party has divided up into a few separate conversations.

Janine gets up.

JANINEExcuse me, Rebecca. Wheres your rest room?

REBECCADown the hall and to the right

JANINEThank you.

Janine leaves the room.

Gabe follows her as stealthily as possible. Melanie notices him get up but doesnt say anything.

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

GABEWhat the hell, Janine?

JANINEWhat?

17.

GABEWhat are you doing here?

JANINEListen, Im just as surprised as you are. Whats the big deal?

GABEI dont want anyone to know about our group.

JANINEDont worry, dear. I wont tell if you dont.

GABEOkay good.

Gabe turns to leave.

JANINESo how do you know Melanie?

GABEWhat? Shes my girlfriend.

JANINEThats Your girlfriend?

GABEYeah. Why?

JANINEI just thought you would have been there during the apocalypse.

GABEWhere?

JANINEThe orgy.

GABEWhat? Why would I have been at your Orgy?

JANINEWell, it was Melanies party.

Gabe is stunned.

GABEWhat?

18.

JANINEYou mean you didnt know about it? Half the town was there. I think I even saw the mayor at one point. You know hes so handsome. I mean I dont always agree with his policies but--

GABEShut the fuck up!

INT. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Everyone turns their heads Gabes outburst.

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Janine is taken aback.

GABEIm sorry I didnt mean to scream at you. I just need to figure this out. What the fuck do I do?

JANINEI dont know. Maybe its best not to bring it up until you get home, though.

GABEOkay.

Melanie walks in.

MELANIEBabe, is everything--

GABE--You had a fucking end of the world orgy and you didnt invite me?

Melanie glances at all of the onlookers in the dining room.

MELANIEBaby, Can we talk about this later?

GABENo!

Melanie is mortified by the scene hes causing.

19.

GABE (CONTD)Were talking about it now. Everyone here got invited but you didnt invite your boyfriend of two years? What the fuck?

MELANIEI--

GABEAnd thats why you were so out of breath? I thought you were just nervous about the asteroid!

MELANIEWell to be honest I thought you would have died.

Gabe is even more shocked.

GABEWhat?!

MELANIEWell, there were thousands of rioters between your job and our place. I doubted you would be able to get through them. Lets be honest, your chances against an angry mob arent very high.

GABESo you just assumed I was dead and hopped on top of the mayor?

MELANIEWell it just started with a couple of us and then someone tweeted about it and it kind of got out of control...

GABEI dont want to hear this.

He begins to leave and turns to Rebecca.

GABE (CONTD)Your brisket was dry.

He leaves.

Next we see another SERIES OF SHOTS:

- Gabe shows a small sailboat to a family.

20.

- Melanie calls Gabe. Gabe ignores the call.

- Gabe is berated by Dave once again. Gabe takes it silently.

- Gabe moves boxes into a new, smaller apartment.

INT. MEETING ROOM - NIGHT

Gabe sits at the familiar circle of seats. His fellow group members are listening intently, for once.

Gabe is seething with contempt.

GABESo I want to thank you all for your terrible, terrible advice.

RONNIEWhat advice?

GABEYou said I should get back together with my girlfriend.

RONNIENo I didnt. I just asked if youd tried talking to her.

GABEWell I tried and it was a mess.

RONNIEYeah I heard. You didnt tell us your ex-girlfriend was orgy girl.

The group giggles.

GABEWell she was. She is. And... How are you all so casual? I feel like Im the only person who acknowledges the asteroid! Its like I cant even--

RONNIEStop, kid. Its no secret that the difference between you and everyone else is that weve all actually accepted the fact that what happened during the apocalypse ACTUALLY HAPPENED. None of us are trying to fix our lives because theres nothing to fix.

(MORE)

21.

Do I maybe wish I didnt kill my neighbor? Yes. Is he dead regardless of how remorseful I am? You bet. Whatever. The world keeps turning.

Gabe thinks for a moment.

RONNIE (CONTD)Look, I dont know why youre taking advice from me anyway. Its not like Im your father.

Gabe gets up.

GABEThanks. I have to go.

He leaves and exits into the hallway.

Gabe passes a room with a flyer next to the door that reads Alcoholics Anonymous

He hears voices from inside the room speaking at once:

VOICESGod grant me the serenityto accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Gabe takes in their words and continues toward the exit of the building.q

EXT. SUBURBS - DAY

Gabe once again stands at the door of his fathers house.

It is a calm morning and houses in the distance are being rebuilt.

Gabes father answers the door.

RICHARDHey.

GABEHey. Dad, look I--

RICHARDIts fine.

RONNIE (CONT'D)

22.

GABEWhat?

RICHARDYou were upset. We were all dying. I get it. Its cool.

GABEWow. Thanks dad.

RICHARDDont mention it.

GABEYou arent a terrible father by the way, dad. I just--

RICHARDYes I am. Im a shit father but youre stuck with me so youre gonna have to deal with it.

They both share a short laugh.

INT. GABES FATHERS HOUSE - DAY

Gabe and his father watch baseball on TV while drinking beers.

RICHARDSo she didnt even invite you? Thats pretty fucked up.

GABEI know, right?

RICHARDSo what? You dont need her anyway. Youll meet someone new. Someone who... invites you to orgies... I guess.

Gabe laughs.

RICHARD (CONTD)She was never really right for you anyway.

GABEI know. I just wish it didnt take the end of the world to see that.

23.

RICHARDWell it shouldnt.

GABEWell now it wont. Im thinking of leaving for a while.

RICHARDReally? Where you going?

GABEI dont know.

RICHARDThats a good start.

They both laugh even harder.

INT. BOAT SHOP - DAY

Dave enters his office to a piece of paper on his desk. A stack of cash falls out as he unfolds the note.

It reads: Heres the money for the boat I took, you greasy haired fuck. I quit. Again. = Gabe.

EXT. BOAT - DAY

Gabe is driving a small speedboat off toward the sunset.

He smiles.

CUT TO BLACK.

24.