aperture science enrichment center volunteer application form

4
08 Subject Name Notes Aperture Science Enrichment Center Volunteer Applicaon Form Subject Hometown Hello. Thank you for expressing interest in the Aperture Science Enrichment Center tesng program. By compleng this applicaon you are volunteering to parcipate in one or more standard unspecified experimental tesng scenarios. Aperture Laboratories can not elaborate on the nature of any tesng unl said tesng has begun, and in certain cases can not clarify the intent of the test unl successful compleon, or death. As part of a required protocol, we must advise you of the following hazardous condions: The symptoms most commonly produced by Enrichment Center tesng are superson, perceiving inani- mate objects as alive, and hallucinaons. To ensure the safe performance of all authorized acvies, do not destroy vital tesng apparatus. Avoid contact with any Aperture Science Material Emancipaon Grill as it may result in paral vaporiza- on. At this me the Enrichment Center would like to alert you that in certain tesng scenarios you may be assigned an Aperture Science Weighted Companion Cube. This Weighted Companion Cube will accompany you through your test. Please take care of it. Certain protocols render your Companion Cube indispensable, as it will assist in various requisite tasks. The Enrichment Center would like to take this moment to warn you that the Companion Cube will never threaten to stab you, and in fact can not speak. In the event that the Companion Cube does speak, the Enrichment Center urges you to disregard its advice. Upon compleon of given tasks you may be required to dispose of your Companion Cube in an Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator. Rest assured that an independent panel of ethicists has absolved the Enrichment Center, Aperture Science employees, and all test subjects of any moral responsibility for the Companion Cube euthanizing process. Although the euthanizing process is remarkably painful, 8 out of 10 Aperture Science engineers believe that the Companion Cube is most likely incapable of feeling much pain. If it could talk, and the Aperture Science Enrichment Center takes this opportunity to remind you that it can not, it would tell you to go on without it because it would rather die in a fire than become a burden to you. As part of a required test protocol we will not monitor the test. You will be enrely on your own. Good Luck. Please note that any appearance of danger is merely a device to enhance your tesng experience. The enrichment center apologizes for the inconvenience and wishes you the best of luck. Cake and grief counseling will be available at the conclusion of the test. Thank you for helping us help you help us all.

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Thank you for expressing interest in the Aperture Science Enrichment Center testing program. By completing this application you are volunteering to participate in one or more standard unspecified experimental testing scenarios. Aperture Laboratories can not elaborate on the nature of any testing until said testing has begun, and in certain cases can not clarify the intent of the test until successful completion, or death.

TRANSCRIPT

Page 1: Aperture Science Enrichment Center Volunteer Application Form

08

Subject NameNotes

Aperture Science Enrichment Center Volunteer Application Form

Subject Hometown

Hello.

Thank you for expressing interest in the Aperture Science Enrichment Center testing program. By completing this application you are volunteering to participate in one or more standard unspecified experimental testing scenarios. Aperture Laboratories can not elaborate on the nature of any testing until said testing has begun, and in certain cases can not clarify the intent of the test until successful completion, or death.

As part of a required protocol, we must advise you of the following hazardous conditions:

• The symptoms most commonly produced by Enrichment Center testing are superstition, perceiving inani-mate objects as alive, and hallucinations.

• To ensure the safe performance of all authorized activities, do not destroy vital testing apparatus.

• Avoid contact with any Aperture Science Material Emancipation Grill as it may result in partial vaporiza-tion.

At this time the Enrichment Center would like to alert you that in certain testing scenarios you may be assigned an Aperture Science Weighted Companion Cube. This Weighted Companion Cube will accompany you through your test. Please take care of it. Certain protocols render your Companion Cube indispensable, as it will assist in various requisite tasks. The Enrichment Center would like to take this moment to warn you that the Companion Cube will never threaten to stab you, and in fact can not speak. In the event that the Companion Cube does speak, the Enrichment Center urges you to disregard its advice. Upon completion of given tasks you may be required to dispose of your Companion Cube in an Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator. Rest assured that an independent panel of ethicists has absolved the Enrichment Center, Aperture Science employees, and all test subjects of any moral responsibility for the Companion Cube euthanizing process. Although the euthanizing process is remarkably painful, 8 out of 10 Aperture Science engineers believe that the Companion Cube is most likely incapable of feeling much pain. If it could talk, and the Aperture Science Enrichment Center takes this opportunity to remind you that it can not, it would tell you to go on without it because it would rather die in a fire than become a burden to you.

As part of a required test protocol we will not monitor the test. You will be entirely on your own. Good Luck.

Please note that any appearance of danger is merely a device to enhance your testing experience. The enrichment center apologizes for the inconvenience and wishes you the best of luck. Cake and grief counseling will be available at the conclusion of the test.

Thank you for helping us help you help us all.

Page 2: Aperture Science Enrichment Center Volunteer Application Form

Form 2873(Rev. December 1995)Aperture Laboratories

Application Questionnaire for theAperture Science Enrichment Center

Please answer all questions completely to the best of your knowledge

Part I Identification of Applicant

1 Name 2 Badge ID

Part II Questionnaire

1. It is important to consult a physician before starting an Aperture Science Enrichment Center Program. If one or more of the statements listed below applies to you, please contact your supervisor to secure permission to consult a physician before beginning an Enrichment Center program. Pick the condition that most applies to you.

dizziness shortness of breath problems waking up in the morning problems staying up 48 hours straight have not previously performed an enrichment center program

2. Sally, Dwayne, Anthony, David, and Franklin are, collectively, exactly 10 years apart in age. Sally's is two years older than David. David's favorite letter is 'g'. Anthony's favorite letter is also 'g', but Dwayne has no preference, insisting that he likes all the letters equally except for 's'. What is Franklin's favorite letter?

3. Which of the following best describes your pain?

Nondescript Shooting Stabbing Burning Prickly Aching Sharp Dull

4. How do others describe your education?

Nursery School Grade School Junior High High School Some College Associates Degree Bachelors Graduate Degree PhD / Post-Doctoral None

5. What is your current living situation?

Live Alone Live With Roommate(s) Live With Kids Live With Parents

6. Do you requre jewelry for any health reasons?

Yes No

7. Do you requre socks to be a part of your uniform?

Yes No

8. Do you prefer long or short sleeves?

Long Sleeves Short Sleeves Sleeveless / Shirtless No Preference

9. Does your illness prevent you from working?

Yes No

10. Not including periods of mandatory silence, what is the longest you have gone voluntarily without talking?

1 Day 2–6 Days 7–14 Days 14–30 Days 30–90 Days 90 Days – 6 Months 6 Months – 1 Year Greater Than 1 Year

11. Do you requre music to perform simple tasks?

Yes No

12. Are you plagued by suspicions that other people, including coworkers and relatives, may be doing things behind your back that will hurt you?

Yes No

13. What is your favorite meal?

Lunch Dinner

14. A cake can be sliced into more than seven pieces by making only four diameter cuts through its center.

True False

15. Which pre-Christian mathematician is not correctly matched to his home city?

Thales of Miletus Anaximander of Miletus Pythagoras of Samos Anaximenes of Miletus Cleostratus of Tenedos Anaxagoras of Clazomenae Zeno of Elea Antiphon of Rhamnos Oenopides of Chios Hippocrates of Chios Hippias of Elis Theodorus of Cyrene Philolaus of Croton Democritus of Abdera Hippasus of Metapontum Archytas of Tarentum Theaetetus of Athens Leodamas of Thasos Eudoxus of Cnidos Callipus of Cyzicus Xenocrates of Chalcedon Heraclides of Pontus Bryson of Heraclea Theudius of Magnesia Eudemus of Rhodes Autolycus of Pitane Aristarchus of Samos Archimedes of Syracuse Philo of Byzantium Nicoteles of Cyrene Eratosthenes of Cyrene Conon of Samos Apollonius of Perga Dositheus of Alexandria Dionysodorus of Amisus Diocles of Carystus Hypsicles of Alexandria Hipparchus of Nicaea Zeno of Sidon Geminus of Rhodes

16. Complete this sentence,

Page 3: Aperture Science Enrichment Center Volunteer Application Form

Form 2873(Rev. December 1995)Aperture Laboratories

Application Questionnaire for theAperture Science Enrichment Center

Please answer all questions completely to the best of your knowledge

Part II Questionnaire (continued)

17. Please choose the description that best describes your personality:

Childish Oafish Stolid Timid Reserved

Conceitful Scornful Boastful Sleepy Stable

18. Which interrogation technique do you think would be most effective on you?

Going Next Door Nobody Loves You The All-Seeing Eye The Barbering Curriculum The Informer News from Home The Witness Joint Suspects The Big Bang Pearls Before Swine Chicken Button Death Eats a Sandwich Hammerhead Pain Fried Hole Hangri-La Ivan Is a Dope Joint Interrogators Law of Partial Pressure The Spinoza Gospel Shark Cloud Cuckoo Land The Wolf in Sheep's Clothing Good Cop / Ventriloquist Cop Alice in Wonderland Monster Polygraph Confession is Good for the Soul Silver Tongued Devil Deep Sea Diver Pay The Piper Federal Bikini Inspector Big Wig Carlsbad Caverns The Boy Who Cried Goonland Role-Role Theory Zipf's Law Stream of Unconsciousness Flash in the Pan The Little Bird Welcome to Bethany Ampere's Rule The Dental Assistant

19. Have you experienced recurrent thoughts of regicide?

Yes No

20. If you answered 'yes' to the previous question, please rate the following statement: I know what 'regicide' means.

Strongly Disagree Disagree Agree Strongly Agree N/A

21. You are a liar:

Can’t Honestly Disagree Agree Strongly Agree

22. Can you flash your ROM?

Yes No

25. Are you functionally incapacitated by witnessing other people's misery?

Yes No

26. Do you get pleasure from solitary pursuits?

Yes No

27. What is your favorite flatware for, purely as an example, eating cake?

Spoon Banquet Fork Fork Salad Fork Meat Fork Cocktail Fork Dessert Fork

Serving Fork Fish Fork Table Fork Pastry Fork Knife

28. What is your favorite number between 31 and 37?

31

37

32 33 34 35 36

29. What is your favorite color?

Peach-orange Linen Dark goldenrod Pumpkin Zinnwaldite Lavender Blush Midnight Blue Amber Pale red-violet Pale chestnut Bondi Blue Gamboge Steel blue Tangerine Seashell Pale pink Dark turquoise Pale cornflower blue Denim Burnt Sienna Pear Orangatan Red Chestnut Dark Tea Green Dark salmon Dark tan Pine Green Ochre Klein Blue Pale Sandy Brown Dark Terra cotta Safety Orange Coral Scarlet Bistre Cerulean blue Dodger blue Violet-eggplant Amethyst Ultramarine Fuchsia Chocolate Sea Green Pastel pink Persian blue Mountbatten pink Pale carmine Bright green Gray-Tea Green Pale brown Lavender

23. Do you feel bad that you have let your coworkers and/or larger mandated collective down?

Yes No

24. Pick the sentence that incorrectly employs the word 'excruciating'.

The test caused excruciating pain. The participant felt excruciating pain. I like to eat cake while excruciating.

Page 4: Aperture Science Enrichment Center Volunteer Application Form

Form 2873(Rev. December 1995)Aperture Laboratories

Application Questionnaire for theAperture Science Enrichment Center

Please answer all questions completely to the best of your knowledge

Part II Questionnaire (continued)

38. On a scale of 12 to 11, with the 12 possible choices arranged as on the face of a clock, how would you rate your awareness of any habitual physical mannerisms such as tugging your ear or hair, eye twitches, hand spasms, etc.?

12

6

37.

1

7

2

8

3

9

4

10

5

11

39. First Pet’s Name:

40. Do you regularly experience déjà vu?

Yes No

41. Choose the correct inspiration for this inspirational phrase, “You can succeed best and quickest by going it alone.”

Purpose Patience Success Endurance Courage Teamwork

42. I express my opinions, even if others in the group disagree with me:

Almost never Rarely Sometimes Quite often Most of the time

30. Do you trust yourself?

Yes No

31. How often do you exercise?

Every Day Monthly Every Other Day Yearly Twice Weekly Every Few Years Weekly Once a Decade Twice a Month Once

32. If you disappeared tomorrow would anyone miss you?

Yes No

33. Do you feel depressed, guilty, or remorse-ful?

Yes No

34. Do you ever have feelings that people are talking about you or watching you?

Yes No

35. Rate the pain you have been able to withstand without losing consciousness:

1 – Slight Pain 2 3 4 5 – Regular Pain 6 7 8 9 10 – Worst Pain Imaginable

36. Complete the following statement with the answer that DOES NOT apply to you:I am often

worried that life is vague and unreal. suspicious of the actions of others.

disturbed by the noise of the wind.

irritated by my past failures and children.

convinced that nobody really cares about me.

enraged by the petty foibles of those around me.

too depressed to kill an animal or colleague in order to put it out of its pain.convinced of the correctness of my opinions on subjects about which I am not an expert.

prejudiced in favor of my own depart-ment, lab, product, skin color, etc.

speaking very slowly for no apparent reason.

Pick your favorite type of cake:

Angel food cake Apple cake Battenburg cake Black Forest cake Buccellato Bundt cake Butter cake Butterfly cake Carrot cake Cheesecake Chocolate cake Chiffon cake Croquembouche Cupcake Date and walnut loaf Devil's food cake Eccles cake Fairy cake Fifteens Fruit cake Sponge cake Génoise Cake Gingerbread Gooey butter cake Honey cake Hot milk cake Hummingbird cake Ice cream cake Jaffa Cakes Suncake Mooncake Pancake Panettone Petit fours Pineapple Upside Down Cake Pound cake Queen Elizabeth cake Red velvet cake Rhubarb cake Sachertorte Simnel cake Spice cake German chocolate cake Stack cake Tarte Tatin Teacake Tres leches cake Vanilla slice Vanilla Crazy Cake Victoria Sponge Wedding cake

43. Please acknowledge before submitting your application: "I understand that my responses to all items in this questionnaire are the property of Aperture Science. As such, they will remain strictly confidential, though they may be used to distribute prizes and/or initiate, prolong, or modify the invasive properties of authorized questioning, investigation, testing, and surveillance."

I have read all or most of the above.