P.J. RyanMA ScreenwritingKelly Marshall

‘The Garden of Forking Paths’ – Anthony Khaseria

Adaptation – Rough Draft Reader’s Report

General Positives/Negatives

I generally have nothing negative to say about this script I thoroughly enjoyed every bit of it. This was one of my favourites to report on and one of the brightest scripts I’ve read all year. I have nothing but praise for this script.

I hope now my report can aid you in your future developments with the script. I don’t think big chances are necessary but little tweaks here and there are worth a look at.

The Active Question

Will Madden and Felix be able to solve the case of Dr. Albert’s death? What was Yu Tsun trying to communicate to the Germans?

Story Structure

This script twists and turns at any given chance especially at the beginning and end like Dave’s script but with more clarity and ambition.

Both active questions drive this narrative really well and are filtered into every scene consistently. A sense of urgency and lack of time helps the pace and excitement of the script.

When you suddenly think the story is going to go off in a new direction e.g. the exposition of the novel, it returns to the main story and investigation of Dr. Albert’s death. You dip your foot into the water of exposition of the novel and then quickly return to the surface of the story before it reaches a stage of bogging it down with detail that it doesn’t. Those scenes of exposition will look great of screen – being transported to ancient China.

I thought maybe you could add a scene before Yu Tsun is being strapped up to be executed. Denton could lead him down a dark damp hall, handcuffed, Yu Tsun in his thoughts – leading into the scene 40.

Ultimately, I was engrossed in the script because of the time play, the pacing, the well thought out characters who are likable in every way and the story of course is just something I’d liked to see happen on screen. This is a great adaptation.

Jo Shoop RYA09285026 16/11/10

P.J. RyanMA ScreenwritingKelly Marshall

Characters

I was pleased to see you took some of my advice about the realism of an Irish officer, Madden, working in England at a time where Ireland and England came to blows in 1916. This angle is worked into Denton degrading Madden in front of Felix. This heightens Denton antagonistic behaviour and Felix’s loyalty towards his superior.

I like all the characters in this script. The chemistry between Madden and Felix is undeniable, distinguished and well developed throughout.

I would make Sgt. Lamb more bossy and someone you just couldn’t reason with – adding to Madden’s struggle with the case. Denton was developed better this time around into a more sinister, threatening archetype. The chemistry between Madden and Yu Tsun was also interesting. Their relationship dips on and off which was great to see – and the scene where Madden wants answers out of Yu Tsun with what he had done ultimately was powerful and a key moment.

Dialogue

The dialogue carried the story, the mystery behind it all – a real page-turner. At times I smiled at some of the speech as it fit the time of the setting. The best thing about the dialogue was you allowed it to ‘breath’ – no interruptions of scene descriptions.

The scene where Madden appraoches Yu Tsun about the air raid is the best scene in the script. It was emotionally gripping and enthralling to read Madden off the wall with emotion and Yu Tsun completely calm about what has happened – a great interaction here between the two characters.

The next challenge is to try and visually get across some points and information without dialogue. You have already done this in scenes – you are making good progress.

Just a suggestion to get rid of the CONT’D beside character names as this is a little off putting and will make your script much neater – some grammar mistakes also just read through it carefully. I’ve marked them on your script.

Tone/Genre

This is a detective/mystery drama set in Wartime London with little hints of mythology or philosophical elements that make it all the more riveting to read and understand.

Jo Shoop RYA09285026 16/11/10

P.J. RyanMA ScreenwritingKelly Marshall

Cinematic Values

This adaptation is very visually. It uses a lot of clever visually devices especially in the transitions between scenes e.g. the whiskey smashing on the floor – Denton hitting Yu Tsun. The opening scene is very strong in visual. This script was meant for the medium of film it oozes a lot ‘mise en scene’ that helps this world come alive so vividly and true.

The mythology parts of the story come alive strongly in the end when scenes are repeated in different ways. It’s almost surreal and you have tried to really nail your theme: future can be depicted in any sort of way you want it to.

Jo Shoop RYA09285026 16/11/10